Divorces/Separationsimpact on children

Ellen Piot 18/01/2016

Remorse from devorce

This essay shows the importance of being a parent.

I’m sure you know at least 4 couples who are divorced or seperated. And minimum 2 of them have children. If you recently haven’t reflec-ted on our new society, I hope you will do it sponteniously while reading this essay. Did you ever think about polyamory? If you are married, do you remeber exactly why? Actually, do you know more than 3 couples who never got married?

I’m wondering why there are so many more divorces and less marriages in Europe comparing to the 70s. How much did this evolution affect posperity and society and what do children need in this situation. As a designer, I’m asking myself if through design it is possible to dicrease divorces and how it could provide a better support for the children.

Religion, tradition, history, civil laws, rituals, ethic choises, monogamy,... are terms which are inaxtricably linked with the act of ‘marrying’ and ‘divorcing’.

To start, some divorce facts:

• One out of two marriages today ends in divorce• Almost 50% of the children are growing up in a single parent en-

vironment• Belgium has the highest rates of divorces• In the past 25 years we have seen a 50% increase in the number of

divorces• ”Divorce is now the single largest cause of childhood depression.” • 50% of divorcees regret ending their marriage

Marrying is an historical fact.From gift giving to honeymooning, the contemporary wedding is stee-ped in tradition. But when did these traditions begin and what do they signify?

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Virtually every part of a wedding has rich history. Cultural roots, ancestry, and religious beliefs have shaped marriages for thousands of years.

Historians believe the first wedding occured some 4350 years ago. Before this, families were composed of groups of roughly 30 individuals. From that moment till today the rituals of marriage has changed and evolved many times. The act of marrying was to exchange possessions. Dowries have been exchanged since before existence of written records. The father of the bride would pay to marry off his daughter either with sheep, cows, land or jewelery.

The symbol of exchanging rings started in ancient Egypt, where we recorded the first use of wedding rings. This first braided rings were made of hemp or reed, but these materials didn’t last very long, so they were soon substituted with rings made of leather, bone or ivory. The value of the ring demonstrated the wealth of the giver. Egypt viewed the circle as a symbol of eternity and the ring served to signify the never-ending love between a couple. Egypt was also the origin of the practice of wearing the wedding ring on the 4th finger of the left hand, which the Egyptians believed to house a special vein that was connected directly to the heart.

In the middle ages, pope Nicholas I decrees that an engagement ring was required of who inteded to marry. From that point the church introduced uniform regulations. One of those regulations was that parental consent along with the church’s consent was requi-red for marriage. Later it was even decreded that a Roman Catholic marriage would be recognized only if the marriage ceremony was offi-ciated by a priest with two witnesses.

During the 15th and 16th century, european husbands would bestow a gimmal ring upon their wifes. It consisted of two interlocking bands. The bride and groom would each wear one of these bands after their engagement, and the two bands would be reunited at the wedding ceremony. The wife would then wear the combined ring. A further evo-lution of the gimmal ring, is the ‘puzzle ring’. It was made up of several pieces that would join together in a cohesive band when worn correctly. This ring was to be very difficult to put on properly so that, if the wife took off her wedding ring, she would be unable to reassemble the ring before it’s absence would be noticed. The rising expectations of equality between the sexes in nearly all spheres of life during the 20th century spreaded the trend of the double-ring ceremony, wedding rings for both partners.Marriages and divorces today, as a result of changes:

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It’s remarkable how this old tradition of giving a ring as a symbol of eternal love is still so strong and worldwide preserved. Regrattably we lost so much of the significance behind those rituals over the years.

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since the grip of the church on society loosened, the moral pressure to marry decreased. It’s not longer a big deal or shame to get divorced. Nobody will be blamed because of that. It became a socially accepted phenomenon. The church defined women’s place in marriage. They had almost no rights or possibilities. After their marriage they were subject to the authority of heir husbands.

The position of woman in modern society changed completely. Over the past fifty years they became financially and socially independent. Today they can afford their own basic needs without the aid of a husband. Even for in vitro fertilisation and raising a child men are unnecessary. In former times, wifes stayed at home to educate the children and manage the houshold. In doing so, they didn’t encounter others and weren’t tempted by other man. Women emancipation made seduction more present. Due to this sexual movement of the 60s and the anticonception, it became more common to have multiple relati-onships. Gradually, marriages were more and more delayed. The average age to marry in 1960 was 20, the average age of today is 28. This number will probably continue to increase in the future. Maybe we will evolve to a society without marriages or even without a sexual commitment. Of course people have different opinions about this topic. There is a group of people who don’t see any problem and accept the increased number of divorces as a reslut of the global changes. Simone Van Saarloos, a young Dutch filosopher tries to convince the majority with her book, “The monogamous drama” of an emotional free relationship with more people. She is wondering how we can rationaly live individually. She explains that love is socially determined and emphasizes the advantages of a polyamorous life. So maybe now, we are in a transitional stage? In contradiction to Simone Van Saarloos’ point of view, sexuologist Rika Ponnet still believes in the importance of a monogamous marriage. “It’s a human being’s biological behaviour to desire for a deep connection with one person. In the beginning it’s the care taker with whom we built up that. Later it would be possible that desire will evolve into a partner relationship.” Ponnet explained. “It’s all about exlusivity, choosing one person and knowing that that person also contemplate you as the only person to love, gives people an incredible feeling of self-esteem.” And exactly this is what com-pletely get lost in a polygamous relationship.

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The digital age we live in, also provokes a lack of commitment. Everyone uses Facebook, Instagram and Tinder. Naturally, this is not a problem. But it causes a lot of side effects which are the foun-ders of the morality changes of today. People start to compare their relationship with others. They get teased by the ‘perfect’ world others try to create on the internet and get jealous. The grass is always greener on the other side. Due to the increase of social contacts, people are less scared to stay alone after a divorce. Rush and productivity are keywords for our new society. People work to live and live to work, which gives them a lot of stress. Time to work on a marriage or relationship is neglected. When a couple has a fight, they will rather separate than try to solve it.

Never in history where people more individual than now. Self-deve-lopment is the new aim in life. Time and space to experiment and get to know yourself became fundamental. In addition, people have become more demanding. Individuals are searching more specifically to find someone who really match their pesonality, interests and values in life. All those elements contribute to the licentious way we live together in the 21th century.

Impact on posterity and society:

Parental love is fundamental, children don’t have to deserve it. It’s there from the day the child is conceived. This essential love is necessary to build up their basic trust and safety and for their future bonding.

“We want a divorce because we really don’t get along very well any more, and we understand that our child will be better off after we divorce than if we stay together.” Rarely, if ever, did I hear a family say, “We’re having conflict, but we have decided to work as hard as we can at solving our problems because we know that children of divorced families are more disturbed than children of intact families.” Wade Horn, former commissioner of the U.S. Administration for Children, Youth and Families pointed out the problem here. Parents use this to satisfy their own conscience. They don’t really know what is going on in their children’s heart. Of course they know it hurts them, but not that they will be damaged for the rest of their live. It becomes so easy to divorce, so easy to find a new relationship and separate again, etc. This are ethic choices in life, choices wich are taken by individuals. When these individuals have children,

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they take ethic descissions in the child’s place, which is inhuman and unaxeptable. Several studies have proven that the only thing more stressful than parental divorce was the death of a parent or close family member. Parental divorce received a higher rating than the death of a friend, being “physically hit” by a parent, feeling that no one liked them, or being seriously injured.

Children shouldn’t choose between their parents. We all know that this is fundamentaly wrong. But it happens, a lot. Missing a good realationship with one parent after a divorce is what disturbs a child the most. According to psychological research this is how children think; -a magnified example-“My father doesn’t love my mother anymore, therefore he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not important enough to fight for. It’s my fault, I wasn’t a good child and now he wants to move out.” Considering this example, how would it ever be possible to trust new people, to built up something with a stranger and to keep believing in love. To trust and be satisfied about new relationships, if your own blood, your nearest relatives so easily break an inner human connection. Divorced parents have marked their children’s future. Young or old, soon or late they will face deep feelings of distrust, anger, self insecurity, sadness, shortcoming and disbelieve. They will question their position and value in live as a person. In many cases the reaction comes years after the divorce. It depends on character and age. In the case of babies a divorce will damage their bonding capacities. Young children don’t understand why their parents don’t love each other anymore because they don’t have any knowledge about the sexual aspect of a realationship. They see the bonding between their parents as something unconditionally. Teenagers usual don’t show their emotions, they want to be strong. In some cases they have to take the responsibility for smaller siblings or even for their dumped parent. Every age has a few reactions in common. They will never admit that they don’t feel good,simply because children don’t want to burden their parents. A reaction that also was confirmed in a movie I saw lately, ‘Force Majeure’, by Ruben Östlund. I recommend this movie whichembodies the content of this passage perfectly.

It has been proven that children from divorced parents end up more easily in the same situation. A vicious circle where it’s hard to escape from.

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The wedding is one of life’s primeval and surprisingly unchanged rites of passage. Nearly all of the customs we observe today are merely echoes of the past. Everything from the veil, rice, flowers, and old shoes, to the bridesmaids and processionals, at one time, bore a very specific and vitally significant meaning. Today, although the original substance is often lost, we incorporate old world customs into our weddings because they are traditional andritualistic.

Old world marriage customs continue to thrive today, in diluted,disguised and often upgraded forms. Customs we memorialize today were once “brand new” ideas. Although historical accuracy is hard to achieve, the historical weight attached to old world wedding customs and traditions is immense.

Remember, as you plan for your wedding, to create new family traditions and customs to be handed down to your children and their children. Just think, maybe someday, your “new custom” will be as unique and exciting as these presented here.

Could we introduce a ‘new custom’ through design?

Design is an all encompassing medium that deals with daily life situations. Problems can be solved by design, wheter they are material or imaterial. Design solutions can change mindsets and behaviour.So yes, design solutions could redress this devorce era. It could provide support for children or prevent divorces. Think for example about the awareness raising campaign of the ‘abortion-rightsmovement’ of the 70’s. All women were made conscious about their own body and rights.

People are not only holding on to marriage, but traditions in general. Nowadays tradition is the main raison why couples decide to marry. The financial advantages of marriage from the past diminished and are replaced by new civil laws. ‘Legal cohabitation’ for example, introduced in the year 2000 in some european countries, gives financial security without taking a lifelong commitment.Marrying today is more a emotional commitment. It gives us more an emotional security than a financial or social one. Marrying has evolved from a rational choice to a choice of love.

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‘The new custom’ in my opinion could be a ‘new adapted symbol or ritual’. It would let people realize and reflect on the meaning of the old customs we lost over the years and reinforce our traditons with a modern ritual. A ritual that answers the needs of our modern society. It may give people a new profound commitement to the union of two people and the founding of a family. The new costum should’t only adres couples who are going to marry, but all couples who wants to commit their lifes to eachother and secure it by a ritual or symbol. The idealistic costum I have in mind, would not only be between partents but also between parents and their children.

People should be aware of the consequences that are involved with a lifelong commitment. It’s a designer’s task to think about social problems and to offer a solution. That doesnt mean that the designer has to solve the problem. Making people aware of it and stimulting them to take action is allready a big step forward.

That’s why I, as a designer, searched for a solution. I developed an object which involves a ritual that connects parents with their children. A ritual that fits within the social changes of today. In specific the increased number of divorces from which the children are the main victims. The object are a pair of umbilical scissors that consists of three parts: the two legs, the joint which connects the two legs and the two rings wich forms the handles of the scissors.

The ritual starts when the couple gives each other on of the rings as a symbol of eternal love. When this evolves in expecting a child, the ritual continues. First they need to connect the legs with the joint to obtain the umbilical scissors. Subsequently, the parents connect their rings to the umbilical scissors to make it functional. Now the child can be separated from the mother and is the bond between the parents and the child symbolized. Literally, it means:“No child without parents.”

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When you will read this essay next time, I hope the first paragraph wouldn’t apply anymore.

Resources

http://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php/Marriage_and_divorce_statistics

http://emeryondivorce.com/how_divorce_affects_children.php

http://www.demorgen.be/wetenschap/hoe-complexloos-en-vrij-is-polyamorie-nu-echt-b69a8ab6/

http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divor-

ce-001.aspx

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/14/reasons-not-to-get-married_n_5274911.html

http://familylawanddivorceadvice.blogspot.be/2010/10/marriage-statistics-in-europe.html

References

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTzA0IH6EjE

http://www.tzum.info/2015/12/recensie-simone-van-saarloos-het-monogame-drama/

http://respectwomen.co.in/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/abortion-poster.gif

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