36 Simple Ways To Get Your Kids To Listen

By Cate Scolnik

Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 2 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com

36 Simple Ways To Get Your Kids To Listen

It’s what every parent wants.

At the top of every parent’s “This frustrates the heck out of me” list is that your kids

don’t listen.

You have to repeat yourself … over and over and over.

Or they tune you out.

Or worse, they answer back!

But you can stop tearing your hair out now, because I’ve got your covered with these

36 Simple Ways To Get Your Kids To Listen.

It’s a round up of the best advice from the best parenting experts. It’s a lot to take in,

so stick around until the end and I’ll share a simple way of using all these strategies.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

1. Validate Feelings Ariadne Brill at Positive Parenting Connection says it’s,

“…helpful to validate feelings and then trust that your child

will be able to feel her feelings and move on”

Here’s an example of how Adriadne used this technique with

her four year old:

Me: “Can you please set the place mats on the table?”

Four year old (with creative excuses): “Oh..but my legs hurt! And I’m playing with my

playmobil!”

Me (showing interest): “Oh no, your legs hurt? What’s going on with them?”

Four year old (being honest!): “Ugh, I just don’t feel like table setting mama. it’s so

boring!”

Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 3 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com

Me (validating): “uhm.uhm..you don’t feel like it. It is boring. I understand. And it’s

dinner time. So what’s your plan to get your job done?”

Four year old: “I don’t wannnna. I don’t mama.”

Me: “it’s a boring job. you don’t want to do it. Could you make it a fun job?”

Four year old (understanding my request wasn’t changing): “Can my playmobil

princess do it? You, know, with my help?”

Me: “yes!”

2. Use One Word In the book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So

Kids Will Talk Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s recommend

using one word reminders. If your child has forgotten to stack

their dishes, you can just say “dishes” to remind them. If

they’re near a hot stove, you can say “Hot stove!”

This avoids us falling into the trap of lecturing our kids, which

teaches them to tune us out.

3. Lower Your Tone Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and

author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral

development. She’s also the author of The Big Book of

Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday

Challenges and Wildest Worries

Nothing turns a kid off faster then yelling, so do the opposite:

talk softer not louder. Teachers have used this strategy for

years because it works.

Try whispering your request. It usually catches the kid off guard and he stops to

listen. (For toddlers: whisper the direction to a teddy bear or the kitty. Nothing gets a

little one’s attention faster!)

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4. Connect First Cheryl Butler at Mighty Mommy says, “Don't start talking until

you have your child's attention. Connect before you start

speaking. That means you can't yell orders from another

room and expect your child to listen, never mind respond.”

She says it’s a great idea to make a positive comment about

what your child is doing. Then, when they look up and you

have their attention, you can start talking.

5. Scale Things Down Dr Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

asks parents to, “Pare down your orders to what's really

non-negotiable. If you worked for someone who constantly

badgered you with orders, would you feel like cooperating?

You don't want every interaction with your child to be an

order. So maximize the loving, happy interactions, and

minimize the orders.”

6. Limit Your Commands Alida, aka The Realistic Mama recommends parents, “Pay

attention to how many corrections, requests or redirections

you give your child during the day. Chances are, they have

tuned you out! Focus on the big things so your child knows

what’s important.”

This is similar to scaling things down, but it’s more than that.

This is also being mindful of the corrections and criticisms –

or negative feedback – we use during the day.

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7. Follow Through Consistently Natasha Daniels is a child therapist advocates consistency

and follow through. She sees kids who tell her:

“I only listen when I hear my mom screaming.

If I don’t do it – my mom will.

My mom always threatens to take things away – but she

never does.

If I beg my my dad enough – he’ll give it back to me.

If I throw a big enough fit my dad will get annoyed and give in.

They say I can earn it back – so I don’t care if they take it away.

If my dad says no, my mom will say yes.

We are teaching our children NOT to listen to us. Isn’t that scary? Our behaviour is

shaping our children’s reactions and habits without us even knowing it! When we set

a pattern of not following through or of changing our no to yes due to exhaustion –

our children note our reaction and file it away for next time.”

8. Respond, Don’t React Suzanna Tucker at My Mommy Manual says, “…instead of

reacting to what feels like disobedience, reclaim your

personal-power and respond to your child instead.

She explains that, “Once you let go of your reaction (i.e

feeling shocked, offended, disrespected, etc), you can put

100% of your energy into responding to your child instead

(i.e. connecting and redirecting their behaviour.)”

9. Say What You Want Sheila McCraith, author of Yell Less, Love More found that a

lot of parenting sites give the same basic advice that’s too

difficult to remember, particularly when she’s in a hurry.

But she found a simple tip she really loves. She says “Begin

requests with “I want” as children naturally want to please.

This is working phenomenally. PHENOMENALLY. I hate to

admit it because whenever I say “I want” I feel selfish, but

they get it.”

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10. Make Time For One-On-One Time Amy McCready, author of If I Have To Tell You One More

Time… says, “Not listening is a power struggle and if left

unaddressed, can escalate to back talk, tantrums and even

defiance.” McCready recommends making time for one-on-

one time with each of your children, twice a day.

She says, “By far, the best thing you can do to improve your

children’s behavior is spending time with them individually

every day, giving them the positive attention and emotional connection they’re hard-

wired to need. When they don’t have that positive attention, they will seek out

attention in negative ways, and consequences and other discipline methods won’t

work. Aim for 10-15 minutes a day per child and you’ll see measurable improvement

almost immediately.”

11. Stop Hurrying Rachel Macy Stafford, author of Hands Free Mama says,

When you’re living a distracted life, every minute must be

accounted for. You feel like you must be checking something

off the list, staring at a screen, or rushing off to the next

destination. And no matter how many ways you divide your

time and attention, no matter how many duties you try and

multi-task, there’s never enough time in a day to ever catch

up.”

One day Rachel realised, “I was a bully who pushed and pressured and hurried a

small child who simply wanted to enjoy life.” Once she realised, and adjusted to her

child’s pace, life became simpler and easier.

12. Practice What You Preach Christa Osborne, recognises the irony of wanting to get our

kids to listen. She writes, “I don’t know how many times I’ve

lectured Caroline or ended up yelling at her because— She.

Does. Not. Listen. To. My. Words. The flip side is I also don’t

know how many times I’ve been trying to have a conversation

with someone while she’s tugging at my shirt saying “mommy”

over and over, and— It. Doesn’t. Even. Register. The day I

realized we mutually don’t listen to each other was a total

Keanu Reeves “Whoa” moment for me.”

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13. Add A Little Contact “I have found that one tip to get my usually-defiant child to

listen is to add gentle, but firm physical contact.” So says

Dayna Abraham of Lemon Lime Adventures, and author of

Sensory Processing 101.

Dayna says, “Although it takes a bit more effort than yelling

across the room, when I rush to his side and lift him up into

my arms to tell him exactly what I need him to do, it started

to resonate with him. Maybe it’s the undivided attention he can now pay me as I am

staring him face-to-face. Or perhaps, it’s the ability for me to speak to him sternly, yet

sincerely. Either way, 9 times out of 10 the outcome is positive.”

14. Don’t Ask Too Much Steph, momma to three small children and founder and

managing editor of Modern Parents Messy Kids says, “Too

many questions can make our kids feel like the pressure is

on. Especially when our children are just beginning to talk.”

She goes on, “ …we often can find out more about our kids,

and not just what they know, by simply listening and

watching them. If we can be comfortable with quiet and fewer

(and smarter) questions, we actually give children space to tell us (or show us) what

they want to share.”

15. Don’t Compete For Attention Catherine Bailey says, “Kids are usually engrossed in

whatever they’re doing. When they’re busy watching TV or

playing, they might say “um-hmm” or “okay,” but that doesn’t

mean they actually heard what we said. To make sure you

get their full attention, ask them to stop what they’re doing

before you voice your complaint. If they respond to your

request with “just a minute,” insist they use the ‘pause’ button

or put down the toy.”

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16. Keep Your Promises Harleena Singh says, “Sometimes as parents you might

forget to keep the promises you make to your kids. You

might mean to keep them, but due to lack of time or a busy

schedule, you can’t keep them.”

Harleena explains that “… to a child, breaking such promises

removes the trust they have in you, and eventually they stop

believing and listening to what you have to say.”

17. Let Them Reason Ann Radcliffe says it’s OK for kids not to listen. She

explains,

“One of the hardest things to accept as a parent is that

sometimes it’s a good thing that kids don’t listen. If they

always listened to us, they’d never learn to reason for

themselves. And so the most important piece of advice that I

ever got (which I’m sure I’ve been told before by someone,

but ignored and have had to relearn for myself) is that you have to let people figure

out things for themselves.”

18. Be Honest Chaley-Ann Scott says we need to stop telling ‘white lies’ to

placate our kids, because it trains them not to trust us.

Saying ‘We’ll come back tomorrow’, ‘We’ll get that game

another day’ or ‘I have no money in my purse right now’ isn’t

the answer.

She says, “Those little lies build up and, children aren’t

stupid, they work out quickly if mum and dad are people who

tell lies or people who have integrity. Why should they listen to someone who doesn’t

always tell the truth? Would you?”

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19. Bend Those Legs Katie Joiner is a mum and former teacher who recommends

getting down to their level. She says, “Standing over a child

while talking with them can be scary and intimidating for a

child, especially if you are upset. Get down to their level and

look them in the eyes. It helps them to focus and it lets them

know that you are talking with them not at them. It shows

them respect, too.”

20. Sing Instead Kate from Picklebums is a former pre-school teacher and

mother of four.

She keeps things fun and light by singing and says, “I will

sing (possibly like an opera singer) or ask for co-operating in

funny or creative ways… ‘Can you slither like a snake to the

bath?’ If all else fails I will take a deep breath, realise this is

totally normal, and start all over again.”

21. Give Choices Ilana Wiles blogs over at Mommyshorts, and also dispenses

great advice from her sister “the brilliant Dr B”. They

recommend giving kids choices, within acceptable

parameters.

Dr B says, “When children are non-compliant, they are

looking for some control. Giving choices is one way to give

your child control but on your terms. State all requests or

directions as choices when you can. Instead of saying, “You need to get dressed

now.” Try, “Do you want to put on your shirt or pants first?” while holding up both

options to make the choice as concrete as possible. Similarly, avoid making

something sound like a choice when it isn’t. For example, do not say “Can you come

to the dinner table?” when “no” is not an option.

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22. Be Positive Amanda Morgan from Not Just Cute says that kids respond

best when you word things positively. She calls this “Say

What You Need to See” and says that when we say, “Don’t

bounce in your seat” the visual image is of someone

bouncing in their seat. Instead we should say something like,

“Please sit still in your chair”

When we tell kids what not to do she says, “The verbal

image is of what you DO want to see. There is less misunderstanding and you’re not

swimming upstream against the visual of what you DON’T want to see.”

23. Write It Down Kelly Pietrangeli from Project Me, says to write things down

as a rule rather than repeating yourself over and over. Kelly

says, “When it's there in black and white you can point to the

rule, rather than saying it all over again.”

This is powerful even when children are too young to read.

The fact that it's a written rule that can be referred to will still

have an impact.

24. Employ Natural Consequences Dr Erica Reischer, author of "What Great Parents Do: The

small Book of BIG Parenting Ideas" (Tarcher/Penguin

Random House, forthcoming) says to let natural

consequences work their magic.

Erica says, “Natural consequences are those that follow

without parents having to do anything, such as getting wet

feet from wearing flip-flops instead of rain boots, or not

having their clothes laundered because they left them on the bedroom floor (again).”

She says they’re often the best teacher, as long as there are no safety risks.

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25. Give Advance Notice William Penton Sears is an American paediatrician and the

author or co-author of more than 30 parenting books

including The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know

About Your Baby From Birth to Age.

Sears says to give advance notice like “We are leaving soon.

Say bye-bye to the toys, bye-bye to the girls…”

Giving kids advance notice that you're leaving, or that toys will need to be left behind,

plants a message. Your kids may not look like they heard you, but there will be less

shock and upset if you give them advance notice.

26. Ask Them To Repeat Amy Morin is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating

children and adolescents with depression, anxiety, and

behavior problems. She’s also the author of 13 Things

Mentally Strong People Don't Do

She says to ask your child to repeat your directions out loud.

After you give an instruction to your child, ask him to repeat

back what he heard. This can ensure that he understands what you expect from him.

This provides an opportunity to provide clarification if there’s any misunderstanding.

27. Connect Consequence To Behaviour Janet Lehman is a veteran social worker who has worked

with troubled children and teens for over 30 years.

Janet says, “The consequence you give should be as closely

related to your child’s misbehavior as possible. For example,

if your daughter comes in late for curfew on Friday night, set

her curfew 15 minutes earlier the next weekend. If she is

responsible and succeeds in coming in on time, she can

have her old curfew back.”

She adds, “just like with anything else in life, practice is how your child will learn to

make better choices when he’s upset or angry.”

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28. Make It A Race Stacey Viera says to make it a race.

Got a competitive kid? “I’m gonna sit at the table first!” or “I’m

gonna use the potty first!” often motivates them because if

they win, they know they’ll get to hear, “Aw, shucks! You

beat Mommy again!”

Racing against time is also fun, especially during that most

combative situation: The Toddler Seatbelt Struggle of Doom. Save your sharp

elbows for your next Costco trip. Instead try: “Last time it took 23 seconds to buckle

you in. Let’s see how fast we can do it today!”

29. Keep Your Cool Dean Mehrkens says to keep your cool and “Don’t be a jerk”

He says, “It can be frustrating and downright infuriating to be

ignored, especially by your own kids. Getting angry with

them won’t help. It’ll only frustrate them, which is no way to

gain the trust and respect that leads to willful obedience.

Take a deep breath. Keep your head on straight. And think

like an adult, don’t emote like a toddler.”

30. Embrace “Complain Free” Coach Elaine Taylor-Klaus, “Complaining, when overused,

keeps us from taking responsibility."

She says, “Complaint-free” living means that you stop

negative approaches to sharing information, like

complaining, criticizing and gossiping. Instead of looking for

what’s wrong, it’s about looking for what could be right. After

all, whether you look for the negative or the positive, that’s

exactly what you’re likely to find.”

Try looking for all the times your kids DO listen and do what you ask – you might be

surprised. You might even learn what works, and what doesn’t.

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31. Put On Your Positive Face Michèle Gamzo says to use positive facial expressions.

She writes, “Smiles, slightly upturned lips, and eyes widened

in excitement can also affect how our children respond to our

message. Once again, by imbuing a positive expression, we

encourage our children to have positive responses. The

Raising Children Network urges that the emotional

experiences children have with others shapes their

responses throughout life.”

32. Let Them Be The Boss Andy Smithson is a Licensed Masters Social Worker and

says to let your kids be the boss sometimes. He says, “Give

your children opportunities to lead activities and conversation

and listen with full attention.”

We can teach active listening by modelling the behaviour to

our kids.

He says, “Make eye contact. Respond when they ask

questions. Even when you are busy, acknowledge their requests, questions and

statement. Let them know you will be done in a moment and then you can give your

full attention and then honor that.”

33. Look At The Circumstances Becky Mansfield, a former 2nd grade teacher turned play

therapist says to consider the circumstances.

She says, “If a child is tired after a long day, it may not be a

good time to insist on picking up all toys before bed. Pick

your battles, and pick the time/day of your battles also. They

don’t need to learn everything in one month or even one

year. It’s okay to go slowly.”

Most kids are harder of hearing when they’re tired!

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34. Understand Why They Don’t Adina Soclof is the Founder of ParentingSimply.com and a

certified Speech Pathologist.

She says we need to understand why children don’t listen

and says, “Children are often torn between wanting their

parents to take care of them and needing to feel

independent. They are confused. When their parents ask

them to do something and they need to comply, they are also

battling their inner voice which might be telling them: "You don't need to listen to

anyone. You are your own boss, you can do your own thing!" “

Once we understand why it is so hard for kids to listen, we can approach our

interactions with compassion, tact and understanding.

35. Assume They’ll Do It Alicia Eaton is a hypnotherapist and neuro-linguistic

programming expert, and author of Words That Work: How

To Get Kids To Do Almost Anything.

“'The word "when" is often referred to as the most hypnotic

word in the English language. It gently implies that

something will be done in the initial instance” says Eaton.

Eaton says to give the subtle message the task ahead is a fait accompli by using the

word ‘when’. She suggests phrases such as: 'When you've tidied your room, we'll

have some lunch', 'When you've finished your maths homework, we'll be able to go

out to the park' or 'When you've put your uniform on, we can go downstairs for

breakfast'.

36. Use Positive Persuasion Cate Scolnik is a parenting strategist, sociologist and life

coach.

Cate says to use positive persuasion, "Tell them that in order

to get what they want, they must complete the action you

want them to take."

Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 15 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com

Cate says, "I call it "So that" and here's how you'd structure the sentence:

So that you can [incentive] you need to [take action].

Here's how you might use it:

1) So that you can watch TV, you need to put your shoes on and get ready for school

2) So that you can listen to a story, you need to brush your teeth for bed

3) So that you can eat dinner, you need to wash your hands

This is similar to 'when', but the incentive comes first. It's slightly more complex

language, so I'd use 'when' for younger kids and 'so that' for older kids - once they've

reached school age.

So that you can get your kids to do what you ask, you just need to practice this

technique. See? It's so easy and effective I just used it on you (you knew that, right?)

Your Challenge

So there you have it. 36 Kick-ass ways to get your kids to listen.

It’s a lot to digest, isn’t it? It’s a lot to take in all at once.

So here’s a challenge for you. Pick one idea a day and implement it.

Do this for the next 7 days and your household will experience a transformation.

You’ll be calmer, your children will be happier, and your family will be more caring

and understanding.

It sounds amazing, but these strategies truly have the power to change your world.

In fact, they have the power to change families everywhere.

By sharing this post with every parent you know, you can help others as much as

you’re helping yourself.

Please share this resource with other parents

You have the power to change lives for the better, just by hitting a share button.

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You can choose to keep these ideas a secret, or you can share them and give other

people a great opportunity.

I can’t wait to see what you choose.

How To Train Your Children

How To Train Your Children is inspired by a popular series of books about people

and dragons - two warring parties who form an allegiance.

The people learn that by working with the dragons they can form an amazing

partnership. One that is far greater than the sum of its parts.

To outsiders it appears that the dragons are tame, but the reality is that they’re a

team, and each member has a role to play.

It’s the same in families. We can choose to fight and argue, or we can harness trust,

communication and understanding, and together become unstoppable.

Are you ready to make your family fly?

Questions?

Cate Scolnik can help you stop yelling and create

a family that listens to each other. You can

reach her at

cate@howtotrainyourchildren.com, and find

her at www.howtotrainyourchildren.com.

Cate is a parenting strategist, writer and

mother. She has super powers when it

comes to making things simple, but

effective. She has direct experience of the

career vs parenting tug-of-war, and knows

how to establish priorities so you can get

solutions fast.