Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block

Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D.Psychologist

Division of Behavioral HealthA I duPont Hospital for Children

Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics

Jefferson Medical College

How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children?

Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or…

…validate these feelings?

Self-Esteem: “Its all relative.”

How much we approve of/value ourselves

Based on comparison

Low Self-Esteem

Comes from the child’s evaluation of his/her perceived inadequacies.

Low Self-Esteem

“I do not measure up.”

High Self-Esteem

“I measure up well.”

Artificially Inflate Self-Esteem

“Give” high self esteem:

- Praise indiscriminately

- Protect from frustration/self doubt

Artificially Inflating Self-Esteem

Caregiver Response

• “You’re so smart.”

• “You’re so kind.”

• “You’re so pretty.”

Child Translation

“Smartness makes me loveable.”

“Being kind makes me loveable.”

“Being pretty makes me loveable.”

Inflating Self Esteem

Less than perfect is not ok…

…so, cannot take constructive feedback and does not learn from mistakes

Drawbacks of Self-Esteem when things do not go well

Narcissism

Self absorption

Self-righteous anger

Prejudice

Discrimination

Entitlement

Humiliation

Incompetence

Inferiority

Depression

Anxiety

Anger

So, how do we:

Maintain a stable sense of self in the midst of success as well as failure?

How do we:

Have high self-esteem… ….and not always measure up?

• By being content with not always measuring up

• Maintaining stability in the midst of success as well as failure

• Accepting failure as a fact of life

Here’s how:

Self-Compassion

How much warmth do we have for ourselves?

Based on self-acceptance

Not based on self-evaluation/social

comparison

Self-Compassion

How much warmth we have for ourselves especially

when the road gets tough

Self-Compassion

SC: “Could have happened to anyone.”

SE: “These things only happen to me.”

Self-Compassion: 3-Step Process

Realize things are difficult

Respond to yourself with kindness/

understanding

Normalize it

Self-Compassion

“It sounds like you’re feeling aggravated.”

“That sounds so hard!”

“Did that make you angry?”

“How awful!”

“It’s normal to feel….”

“It sounds like that made you happy.”

“That sounds like a good plan.”

“I really like the….”

Self-Compassion

Provides the same benefits of high self-esteem….

…without its drawbacks

How to Help Children Develop Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself

Teach children truth about life

Ease into self-compassion slowly

Judge the behavior, not the child

Model future behavior, don’t punish the past

Are there drawbacks to self-compassion?

Will it lower standards/encourage laziness?

Self-compassionate people are less likely to lower their standards (Neff, 2011).

Self-Compassion: Rewards

Higher standards

Strong work ethic

Personal responsibility

Not afraid of failure

More courageous

More aware of personal faults

Self-Compassion: Rewards

Decreased anxiety, depression, self-criticism

Increased coping ability

Greater feeling of social connectedness

How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children?

Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or…

…validate these feelings?

Cabane, O. The Charisma Myth, (New York, Penguin Group, 2012).

Gilbert, P., Baldwin, M. W., Irons, C., Baccus, J. R., & Palmer, M. “Self-Criticism and Self-Warmth: An Imagery Study Exploring Their Relation to Depression,” Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy 20, no. 2 (2006): 183-200.

Kagan, J. Three Seductive Ideas, (Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press, 1998).

Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion,” in Handbook of Individual Differences in Social Behavior, eds. M. R. Leary and R. H. Hoyle (New York: Guilford Press, 2009), 561-73.

Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K., & Rude, S. S., “Self-Compassion and Its Link to Adaptive Psychological Functioning,” Journal of Research in Personality 41 (2007): 139-54.

Neff, K. D. Self Compassion , (William Morrow, 2011).

References