If I Show You the Strokes You’ll Swim Through Life

Intro to Strokes

When one of us recognizes the existence of another, it’s called a 'stroke'.

Examples: verbal transactions - “Good Morning”, “Hello”, “uh hu”, “hey you”,

“screw you”

Examples: physical transactions - eye contact, smiles, frowns, nods, touch, eye brow

raising, shrugs

Many people believe that recognition of existence is a basic human psychological

need. Some people believe strokes are necessary to infants for physical survival. Even

if a stroke isn’t a basic human need most people would agree that recognition is

important.

Strokes are experienced on a scale from most pleasurable to most painful. For

example receiving sexual pleasure from your lover is a set of strokes at one end of the

spectrum, and receiving a beating from a bully is a set of strokes at the other end.

Both are sets of strokes and what we know is that people will seek and/or receive any

form of stroke even if painful rather than go without. And the stroke can be either

physical or verbal. Verbal strokes are symbolic of a physical one, so not as satisfying.

We call the pleasurable strokes positive, and the painful strokes negative.

Our parents preferred to give us certain kinds of strokes as we grew up. They also

delivered strokes in specific quantities. If the supply was stable, these kinds and

quantities of strokes are what we became comfortable and accustomed to. As adults

now, we continue to prefer and seek out these forms and quantities, even if they are

negative. Therefore, a man or woman typically marries someone who delivers a

stroke profile similar to what they received from their parents. In the case of negative

stroke patterns, as observers we can only shake our heads and marvel at how

someone puts up with such abuse, aware of it, lamenting it, perhaps even hating it;

yet ambivalent enough about it to remain in the relationship. In some cases, people

reframe the abuse as a sign of caring. And indeed from a stroke perspective the

abuser cares enough about the person to pay attention and deliver strokes.

This brings us back to the fact that negative strokes are better than no strokes. A child

proves self existence because the parents respond : the child exists to the parents; he

or she must exist and matter enough to the parents because the parents are responding

with strokes. A child receiving no strokes, no recognition at all, feels emotionally

abandoned at best and nonexistent at worst. There have been many tragic cases of

this, and the child dies. There is a very effective method of interacting with children

based on stroking called the Nurtured Heart Method which I’ll describe later.

Up to this point I’ve only talked about person to person strokes, or what we call

interpersonal strokes. If interpersonal strokes (I talk about pets next) are in short

supply we will seek out intrapsychic/virtual (fantasy) strokes. These are called

intrapsychic because they take place inside oneself; the inner part of us recognizes the

existence of the outer part. This may or may not include actual touching. Much of the

appeal of daydreaming is in the delivery of intrapsychic strokes – I’m receiving

If you treat a person as he is; he’ll

stay as he is. If you treat a person

as he ought to be, he will become

what he ought to be and could be.

– Johann Goethe

"Listening is one of the finest

strokes one person can give

another. The most effective

listening involves focusing all

one's attention on the speaker, a

discipline which can be learned.

Many unaware or disinterested

people never develop the skill.

A person who has been listened to

leaves the encounter knowing that

his or her feelings, ideas, and

opinions have been really heard.

This person has not been "turned

off," but has been given active

feedback. Active listening,

sometimes called reflective

listening, involves giving verbal

feedback of the content of what

was said or done along with a

guess at the feeling underneath

the spoken words or acts. These

are verbalized. Real listening does

not necessarily mean agreement.

It simply means clarifying and

understanding another person's

feelings and point of view.

When a teen-age boy comes home,

throws his books on the table, and

groans, 'School is sure lousy,' the

mother who listens will say

something like, 'School seemed

lousy today, and you're feeling

pretty mad about it. Is that right?'

When a secretary suddenly begins

to make a number of typing

mistakes, mutters inaudibly, and

snaps at office visitors, a boss

who really listens will say

hearty accolades from the audience after my brilliant talk on The Stroke Economy.

In the movie Cast Away, Tom Hanks character needs strokes so he invents a

companion “Wilson” the volleyball, with whom he exchanges strokes. The strokes

are of course intrapsychic, projected onto Wilson, and their psychological value isn’t

sufficient to sustain the guy; which eventually motivates him to leave the island.

Looking in the mirror before going to a social function is a sequence of intrapsychic

stroking, perhaps negative: “You look fat.”, perhaps positive “You handsome

fellow”and if another person is willing to engage in interpersonal verbal stroking, so

much the better.

A large number of people have pets in order to secure a source of strokes for

themselves. These aren’t as good as human strokes but they fill the bill somewhere

between interpersonal and intrapsychic. If an animal has the mental capabilities to

deliver what we perceive as human type strokes, the animal is often a more favorable

pet. For many people, dogs are preferred over snakes or frogs for example because

the former acknowledge us with overt behavior we evaluate as recognition; for

example we walk in the room and Fido wags her tail – close to an interpersonal

stroke. Snakes and frogs are probably just as aware of us as dogs, and acknowledge

us in ‘snakey’ or ‘frogy’ ways; but not in ways we perceive and evaluate as

recognition, so we don’t receive strokes from them as we do with dogs. With either

type of pet we could decide to fantasize some strokes as in “Ah the snake is smiling

at me”, these would be intrapsychic.

For optimum health each of us need both positive and negative strokes. I know this

might sound a bit weird at first but follow along cause it’s important.

You and I, as does every child, know deep down that we are not totally acceptable to

all people. If we only experience positive strokes we will not have a realistic picture

of ourselves as others see us. Therefore we must hear some negative strokes to

validate the authenticity of our experience of reality. Negative strokes also validate

and give relative meaning to the positive strokes we receive. Furthermore, we need to

receive negative strokes to gain an appreciation for thoughts, feelings and behaviors

that are unhealthy, dysfunctional, counter productive, or anti-social.

Summary:

Strokes are perceived units of recognition of our existence. They can be physical,

verbal, or virtual. They can be interpersonal, or intrapsychic. They can be judged as

positive or negative based on the subjective experience being pain or pleasure. We

need strokes; preferring interpersonal to intrapsychic, preferring positive to negative

and preferring negative to none at all. We need both positive and negative strokes.

The Stroke Economy, Are You Prone to Recession

Since we all need them, want them and exchange them, a kind of economy has

developed using strokes as currency. As with all economies, the stroke economy has

some rules. The basis of the following rules is that strokes are in short supply. This is

a handy mistaken belief (not actually a fact) for behavior management purposes

especially for the control of children. If strokes are scarce, they can be given out like

prizes for good behavior, or like slaps for bad behavior. Tom Hanks got an oscar for

Cast Away!

Here’s the five dysfunctional stroke economy rules. If you decide to break these

rules, be prepared to feel better both mentally and physically, get along better with

others, deepen your relationships with people, always have something to say in social

something like, 'From what you

just said, you sound upset. Are

you?'"

- Muriel James and

Dorothy Jongeward

- From Born to Win:

Transactional Analysis

with Gestalt

Experiments

“The social psychiatrist's concern

in the matter is with what happens

after the infant is separated from

his mother in the normal course of

growth. What has been said so far

may be summarized by the

colloquialism "If you are not

stroked, your spinal cord will

shrivel up." Hence, after the

period of close intimacy with the

mother is over, the individual for

the rest of his life is confronted

with a dilemma upon whose horns

his destiny and survival are

continually being tossed. One

horn is the social, psychological

and biological forces which stand

in the way of continued physical

intimacy in the infant style; the

other is his perpetual striving for

its attainment. Under most

conditions he will compromise.

He learns to do with more subtle,

even symbolic, forms of handling,

until the merest nod of recognition

may serve the purpose to some

extent, although his original

craving for physical contact may

remain unabated.

This process of compromise may

be called by various terms, such

as sublimation; but whatever it is

called; the result is a partial

transformation of the infantile

stimulus-hunger into something

which may be termed recognition-

hunger. As the complexities of

compromise increase, each

person becomes more and more

individual in his quest for

recognition, and it is these

differentia which lend variety .to

social intercourse and which

situations, and probably feel more self confident in any social situation.

Rule #1: Do Not Give Strokes Openly or Freely. The mistaken belief underlying

this rule is that strokes, especially positive strokes, are rare and must be hoarded like

gold or precious gems. So of course if we believe that, we won’t give strokes freely

and willingly - thus they actually do become scarce. Once scarce, they are given only

for special occasions, for special purposes, or with special intentions energizing them.

With negative strokes, we use various methods of hiding them or hiding their

delivery. One example are called back handed complements.

Rule #2: Do Not Accept A Stroke Given To You because (oh oh) accepting it might

mean something or imply an agreement to some ulterior contract. The meaning we

assign to accepting a stroke is, more often than not, a guess as to the intention of the

person giving the stroke. A common example is when a sales person gives you a

complement. Is it genuine or part of the pitch? Similarly in couples counseling I hear

wives say they don’t trust complements from their husbands because it’s given only

as a sales pitch for sex. A smile exchanged between two people can be interpreted in

a thousand ways all of which are fictional until confirmed by reality testing; but most

people accept their interpretation as fact and live in that reality. Discounting a stroke

– “really, you like this dress on me?”, or outright refusing to accept it – “what are you

talking about, this dress is ugly“, require little effort compared to reality testing –

“what do you like about my dress?”. Another method of removing the value of a

stroke is to pass it on to others – “you look lovely too”. The presentation of the oscar

film awards is a simple demonstration of this rule. Each stroke/award is followed by a

series of ‘thank you’ strokes that psychologically balance the person’s stroke

economy – provided they remember to thank everyone. Anyone who dares break this

rule is judged rude, or worse – selfish.

Rule #3: Do Not Ask For Strokes. Even if you need them. Here’s a wild mistaken

belief: if you have to ask for a stroke, it's a sure sign of some character flaw or

personality defect, such as being weak. Here’s another mistaken belief: asking for

strokes proves that you're 'needy', and a needy person is a bad person. Ouch. Here’s

another mistaken belief: the person you ask for the stroke will not be authentic if they

give you one - they're just doing it to be polite, so the stroke is of no value. Some

people also mistakenly think asking for strokes is demeaning and they won't 'stoop' to

that - just like not asking for directions when lost. As if asking for and receiving

directions when lost instantly makes the directions of no use! Crazy belief!

In western culture, asking for strokes is a taboo thing to do. People who ask for

strokes may be considered rude, needy, or clingy at worst and perhaps simply weird

at best. And many people mistakenly believe that if they have to ask for strokes,

doing so renders worthless whatever strokes they do receive. Naturally this false

belief is accompanied by its sister belief that says "If you really loved me or cared

about me, you'd know what I need and I wouldn't have to ask." So when you put the

two rules together, they form a tight injunction against asking for strokes.

At one time when we were infants and young children, our parents did appear to

magically ‘mind read’ our needs and deliver them to us, proving their love along the

way. But as adults, the mind reading method has a very low probability of success. A

conscious adult, being responsible for getting his or her needs met in appropriate and

effective methods will ask for strokes from those people most likely to be willing to

give them. Like asking for a cool glass of water on a hot summer day, the satisfaction

comes from fulfilling a need, not from waiting for someone to notice you've passed

out.

determine the individual's destiny.

A movie actor may require

hundreds of strokes each week

from anonymous and

undifferentiated admirers to keep

his spinal cord from shriveling,

while a scientist may keep

physically and mentally healthy

on one stroke a year from a

respected master.”

- Eric Berne

- From Games people

Play

“Lush: This Alcoholic game is

most often played by a middle-

aged married suburban wife or, at

times, by a downtrodden,

hardworking white-collar

employee. In each case, it is

played in response to sexual

deprivation, or as a transactional

analyst would call it, a lack of

strokes. The thesis of the game is

a variation of "I'm crazy

(depressed), you can cure me,

make me feel better (ha, ha)." It is

usually played with a partner who

is unable, or for whom it is

difficult, to give strokes: As a

consequence, the alcoholic's

continued drinking is to the

partner's advantage since, as long

as the drinking continues, his own

emotional deficiency and his part

in the game will not be exposed.

As long as the alcoholic drinks,

the partner preserves the

appearance of blamelessness

while, of course, both know that

this is not true.

The Lush player is basically

making a plea for strokes. But

because these strokes will not be

given by a partner under ordinary

circumstances, she settles for the

costly strokes that are given to her

when she is rescued.

Because the Lush player reacts to

strokes, it is customary for her to

stop drinking temporarily and to

make considerable progress when

therapy begins. However, because

the strokes from the therapist do

not replace the needed strokes

from the partner, the temporary

Rule #4: Do Not Refuse A Negative Stroke. If you get a stroke you don't want, do

not refuse it. There’s probably a bunch of mistaken beliefs under this rule such as:

You’d be rude to refuse a negative stroke; negative strokes are for your own good;

saying no to a negative stroke will cause a physical fight; I probably deserve it and

don’t even know it.

Rule #5: Do Not Give Yourself Any Strokes. If you do, you could be accused of

bragging which of course is rude! You might also be labeled egotistical or egocentric

or even narcissistic - which is bad. And worst of all for many people, you’d be

Selfish! Recognize any mistaken beliefs?

Summary:

By playing into these rules we deprive ourselves of a nurturing resource that is in fact

free and available at no cost to anyone. They are not rare or like gold, so give them

away at every opportunity - you'll feel happier. Give yourself a stroke whenever you

want to. Most people never acknowledge their specialness to others; but they should

since it’s tacit permission for others to do the same, and furthermore, to acknowledge

you! If you are given a stroke, evaluate it. Is it healthy for you to receive it? And if

so, take it in. Every cell in your body will thank you. But if the stroke is not good for

you, don't accept it. Just say to yourself (or out loud) "That's not good for me, so I'm

not accepting it."

Conditional Stroking: I Stroke You When You Do That

Here's another aspect of strokes. They are either related to behavior, or to being -

called conditional and unconditional respectively. For example, I say to you "Hey, I

like your shoes." That's a conditional stroke because it’s about behavior, having shoes

that I like. "Good Morning" is an unconditional stroke because it’s not connected to

any specific behavior.

Conditional strokes reinforce the behavior either positively or negatively as in

praising or punishing. Award nights essentially are public occasions for positive

conditional stroking: since you did this behavior we approve of, we’ll reward you

with positive strokes. Contests, sports, and games all result in conditional positive

strokes for some of the participants, and conditional negative strokes for others. For

example: When two teams are playing for a gold medal at the Olympics, one will

receive a silver medal. Usually some members of that “losing” team regard the silver

as a negative stroke, their mistaken belief is that only a gold is a positive stroke.

Prison is negative conditional stroking: since you did this behavior we disapprove of,

we’ll punish you with negative strokes. Keep in mind that strokes satisfy the need for

recognition - to be acknowledged as existing. So while the prison stroke is negatively

associated with the anti-social behavior, it is psychologically satisfying - “if I’m

stroke deprived I can always act out.” More on this later with respect to children.

Group members stroke each other for membership behaviors and withdraw strokes

for unapproved behaviors. An extreme negative stroke would be revoking a person’s

membership in the group. Such a system builds cohesive structure, predictability,

loyalty, and social safety. The stroke economy is stable. This applies to any group.

This is what’s underneath “peer pressure”.

Conditional stroking gives a person direct feedback on thoughts, feelings, and

behaviors that can be useful to the person. Career related performance reviews for

example when executed by a skilled manager is an opportunity to convey

progress, is cut short just as the

therapist thinks the patient is well

enough to leave treatment.

Clearly, since the patient's

progress was based on strokes

obtained from the therapist, it

becomes important for the patient

to remain a patient; a situation

that she can easily accomplish by

going back to drinking.”

- Claude Steiner

- From Games

Alcoholics Play

Counterfeit Strokes – One

Stroke Forward & One

Stroke Back

I can see that you understand this,

in a rudimentary manner.

Nice hairdo. My mother had a

similar cut back in the 50s.

You’re cute. I’ve always been

attracted to older overweight men.

Normally I wouldn’t be attracted

to a person like you; but I’ve had

a few drinks.

I like your question. Let’s start

again at the beginning and I’ll

explain everything slower.

The Stroke Economy in The

School System (from the Forward to the book

Inner Wealth Initiative )

“In May 2004, the end of my first

school year, my supervisor asked

me to attend training where I

would learn about something

called the Nurtured Heart

Approach. It was an all-day

training in Seattle and I thought,

"How can I be gone from the

expectations and deliver strokes from which an employee can learn. Talented coaches

know how to offer skill corrections and strokes.

Unconditional Stroking: I Stroke You For Who You Are, For Being

We’re not taught how to give unconditional strokes like we are with conditional

strokes; and yet we get enough as infants to survive. Think of a little infant in a baby

carriage and what happens when mother takes a stroll. All sorts of people look in at

baby and smile – unconditional strokes. Baby doesn’t have to do anything for those

strokes, just be him or her self. Baby doesn’t have to put her toys away, say a new

word, demo new finger dexterity, hum a song, throw a tantrum, make him/herself

sick – just be.

Smiling at another person, saying good morning, saying “Hi, how are you?” or

“How’s it goin?” or, “I enjoy your company.” or “You’re great.” or “I’m sure glad

you’re in my life.” or “I like you.” or “I like who you are.” are all positive

unconditional strokes.

One of the most powerful unconditional positive strokes is listening to another person

with full attention. Much of psychotherapy’s healing effect is just this – the therapist

really listens to the client. Reflective listening is especially stroking, and a sub

version called empathic listening is even more stroking.

Of course the negative unconditional stroke is equally powerful if a person accepts it.

“I hate you.” “You’re such a <negative label/attribution>.” “People like you deserve

misfortune.” “Who would ever want you?” “Now that I know you I understand why

your spouse left you, your children hate you, and your employer fired you.”

Conditional Stroking (Children Especially)

There are three subtypes of conditional strokes that you should be aware of: active,

experiential, and proactive. Active stroking is describing back to the other person

exactly what you are seeing or hearing, such that, if a video was taping the scene, a

playback would confirm your observation. Experiential stroking, like active stroking,

describes behavior back to the person but also links the behavior they are doing to a

family or group or cultural value they are following in a specific irrefutable way.

Proactive stroking like active stroking describes behavior back to the person but also

links the behavior they are doing to a family or group or cultural rule they are

following in a specific irrefutable way.

Active Stroking: Describing back to the other person exactly what you are seeing or

hearing. What you are describing back is irrefutably true – no judgment, assessment,

analysis – just the undisputable facts. This form of stroke cannot be easily denied,

ignored, dismissed or discounted and as such it gets past any of the recipient’s

“critical filters” or stroke economy rule 2. The recipient knows that you are paying

attention; that you are acknowledging the recipient’s existence, and that they are

thereby worthy of your attention. Since the stroke is neutral, and therefore without

overt purpose, it’s purely an indication of their importance to you. Most people soak

these up like thirsty sponges and children take them in like candy! As a person’s

internal need for recognition gets satisfied they reduce attempts to get attention for

“bad behavior” or acting out.

The neutrality of the stroke allows the person to accept it without defending against

criticism or discounting praise. Being simply noticed and recognized, no matter how

basic a level, is a powerful acknowledgement of importance. It is emotional food for

school a whole day?" But I went.

I remember standing in the lobby

during intermission talking to my

colleagues. We were all trying to

process something that felt of an

earth-shaking nature. I had a

feeling that life as I knew it would

be different after that day.

When I presented the idea of

adopting the Nurtured Heart

Approach to my principal, he

liked the idea and agreed that we

should begin to implement the

approach right away. Needless to

say, I was very excited. Ken and I

started training the staff in the

Nurtured Heart Approach as soon

as school was out that year, and

we picked it up again when the

new school year started.

Our somewhat clumsy and

uncertain first attempts to apply

the approach with our kids did

not go unnoticed by them. When

we recognized their successes out

loud, the younger kids' whole

bodies moved toward us like a

time-lapse photo of a sunflower

moving toward the sun! From the

high school students, we heard

comments like "What are you

doing? Quit being so nice!" But

the rooms got quieter and

teachers just kept on handing out

recognitions.

Within a few weeks, the principal

and I noticed a huge difference.

THERE WAS NO ONE IN THE

HALL! DAY AFTER DAY! NO

ONE! Ken and I went through a

bit of therapist identity crisis. We

didn't feel needed by the staff to

put out crisis fires anymore. The

kids were not seeking us out for

that "attention-drink-of-water"

they had so fervently sought from

us before. I walked around not

knowing what to do. Then it

occurred to me: I needed to figure

out my new role as support

person to all of these teachers,

these "natural therapists." The

kids were now getting their needs

met by their teachers in the

classroom!

During that second year, I was

attending classes at City

University to get certified as a

school counselor to add to my

everyone; but especially for children.

Samples

I notice you are sitting and coloring, smiling and humming. You’ve colored with a lot

of different colors.

I see you looking at me listening to what I’m saying. I notice you nodding at what

I’m saying.

You’re playing on the computer. You are focused on what you are doing.

I see you getting dressed and ready for school.

I see you getting your lunch box and carrying to the front door.

You have a frown on your face and tears in your eyes. You’re stamping your feet.

I heard you ask for candy, and now you’re waiting quietly for my response.

I see you listening to me. I notice that you are being patient while I think about this.

You have a smile on your face now that I’ve said ok.

You ate your whole meal so you were probably hungry.

I see you working on ___ . It looks like you’re trying to ___.

I can tell by your voice that you’re mad.

I enjoy you, what else can I say. Sorry it bugs you but that’s the way I feel about you.

I’ll be back later to enjoy seeing you again.

Looks like you’re upset. Now you’re staring at me as if you’re angry so I’ll check in

again later.

So are you saying [repeat it back verbatum]? Glad I heard you correctly.

Are you saying you feel ____? Ah, I understand ___, I’ve felt it myself from time to

time.

I hear you asking what technique I’m trying on you now, and with your facial

expression I’m guessing you feel annoyed.

I observe you interacting with me like an adult, thinking and discussing issues, stating

your needs clearly.

I’ve noticed you working on and completing your work.

I see you doing your work.

Experiential Stroking: In this type of recognition, you connect specific observed

undeniable behaviors to values (not rules – they’re next). For example, some typical

family cultural values are: positive attitude, respect, and responsibility, and the

recognition contains no other assessment, analysis, or evaluation; but the stroke does

contain your appreciation. We call it re-framing the experience from a “means

nothing” into a “success”.

Experiential stroking teaches people, especially children, the prevailing value system

in a conscious, conscientious manner. It links the behavior they are doing to the value

they are following in a specific irrefutable way. For example: “I see you sitting at the

table doing your homework. That’s a clear demonstration of being responsible.

You’re taking responsibility for your homework. I like that.”

Most people, most of the time, are engaged in some behavior that is included in a

value; yet rarely are they recognized. Only when they behave outside the prevailing

value system are they stroked ie. criticism, and if they are already stroke deprived,

this negative attention will encourage them to continue getting negative strokes rather

than be deprived. It’s a self perpetuating system. The justice system is full of people

for whom the only recognitions they know how to reliably get are negative ones.

Furthermore, most people, most of the time, are engaged in some type of behavior

that is included in a value; yet rarely are they recognized so their behavior has no

meaning, when in fact it could be re-framed into a success. If you want to change the

therapist credentials. Toward the

end of the year, I needed some

data to complete a paper on "The

Process of Change." I wondered

what would happen if I could

compare data for students who

were at our school both the first

year I was there and the second

when we used the Nurtured Heart

Approach. I decided to use

Incident Report data, which

involved our most challenging

students.

Ken asked me to see whether my

data could reflect the intensity of

the incidents, so I decided to

break up the Incident Reports into

types of events, such as damage to

property, physical aggression

toward others, or running from

school. I found myself holding, for

one student, a stack of reports in

one hand for the first year that

was one and one-half inches

thick, and in my other hand for

the second year, I had a stack

only a quarter-inch thick. I told

the principal, "Now that's a

visual!" The results of this study

on our seven most challenging

students: the Incident Reports

contained 518 total items for the

school year 2003/2004, while

only 94 items were listed for the

year 2004/2005. That amounted

to an 82 percent improvement!

I have many remarkable stories I

could tell, but I can sum up the

differences I observed in our

students by saying that, before we

used the Nurtured Heart

Approach, our "kids in the hall"

were not able to interact

effectively with their environment.

Some seemed pre-verbal and

could barely talk. After the

intervention, they were sitting

across from me like young

versions of grown-ups, telling me

about their lives, thoughts,

frustrations and even goals for

their future!

The Nurtured Heart Approach

makes the world a better place for

everyone. We had a teacher

comment early on, "I actually

enjoy coming to work now!"

Another teacher said: "Nurtured

stroke economy of someone around you, such as and especially a child, start handing

out experiential strokes. If you want to have a tremendous impact on a child’s sense

of self esteem, personal power, effectiveness, and a feeling of success – hand out 10

or 15 experiential strokes per day.

Samples

I see you are focused and concentrating. That shows effort and persistence. I like that.

You made several good decisions. Clearly you are thinking and I’m proud of you.

I notice you walking away from a fight. Excellent self control. I’m excited about your

level of maturity.

I see you listening to me with respect. I’m delighted by that.

I saw you listening to your friends. You showed kind consideration for others. I

appreciate you.

Even though you appear to be angry with me, you are listening. That shows respect

and self control, two wonderful personality characteristics.

I saw you share your ___. I think being willing to share is fantastic.

I noticed you fidgeting and squirming in the doctor’s office; but you stayed seated.

Good self control. I’m happy about that.

I saw you looking at all the desserts; yet you waited your turn. Your patience is

something I’m excited about.

I heard you come in late last night; yet here you are getting ready for school.

Excellent demo of maturity.

I’m impressed with you. You got home on time like you said you would. Now that’s

personal power.

When I called dinner time, you came right away. I salute your thoughtfulness.

I was watching how you organized your evening into a nice balance of work and

leisure. I’m proud of you.

I noticed how you resisted the temptation to argue with me. A beautiful example of

how you’re building self control.

I appreciate the good choice you made to speak thoughtfully.

I love that you've shown responsibility in completing your homework assignments.

I'm very pleased that you've been doing your chores without being told. That's

maturity.

I appreciate that you've been using good manners. That's being respectful.

I appreciate that you've been sharing with your sister. That's a great attitude.

I appreciate that you've been doing extra reading. That shows responsibility.

I appreciate that you've been focused on your project. That shows thoughtfulness.

I like how nice you were to Billy when he felt sad. That really shows compassion.

I like that you were honest when it would have been easy to lie. That shows integrity.

You've been much nicer with your friends. I really appreciate the cooperation you are

using.

You've been using much more self-control when you're mad. I appreciate that very

much.

You did what I asked right away. You followed directions beautifully.

Typical Values to Use in Experiential Recognitions: justice, prudence, fortitude,

temperance, compassion, frugality, modesty, generosity, discipline, perseverance,

wisdom, patience, meditation, adaptability, strength, friendliness, love, compassion,

joy in the success of others, reciprocity, affection, sympathy, service to elders,

kindness to the young, generosity to the poor, good counsel to friends, indifference to

fools, respect for the learned, unselfishness, patience, forgiveness; hope, charity.

Proactive Strokes: Building on active stroking, proactive strokes describe back to

the person specific behaviors, and links them to expectations or rules or laws of the

Heart is invigorating. It makes

you say, 'Oh gosh, yes'"

The Nurtured Heart Approach is

very powerful for working with

parents and fellow staff members

as well. It provides us a way to

nourish each other with nutrients

we all are craving. It's a guilt-free

win-win program that doesn't

involve pointing fingers at

anyone. The Nurtured Heart

Approach makes it easier for us

all to be our best as we help our

children.”

—Dawn Duncan-Lewis, M.S.,

L.M.ET

Fail to Honor others, they will

fail to honor you.

- Lao Tzu

A Bit of Stroke History

Back in 1760, a Spanish bishop

writing to his superiors in Rome

noted that children in foundling

homes, though they were

sheltered and fed, regularly "die

from sadness." In the 1930s and

1940s, in the halls of American

hospitals, orphan children,

deprived only of touch and

emotional contact, died in droves.

Psychiatrists also began

identifying children who were

physically healthy but who

seemed indifferent, callous, and

unable to relate to others. David

Levy, reporting his observations

in a 1937 article in the American

Journal of Psychiatry, attributed

such youngsters' behavior to

"emotional starvation." In the

1940s American analyst Rene

Spitz coined the term "failure to

thrive" for children separated

from their parents and caught in

debilitating grief.

family culture, or society. They are very similar to experiential strokes but instead of

values, they use rules.

For example: “I’ve noticed that you’ve not used a swear word for the last hour.

You’re following the no swearing rule. Bravo. And, that shows respect. I appreciate

you.”

We all have lists of generally agreed on expectations and rules, called structure that

most of us abide by most of the time. By consciously recognizing someone who is

choosing to behave by those rules, we are encouraging the individual to continue

making that choice. For children, who need to learn what the expectations and rules

are (what the structure is), this form of recognition provides that learning. It is

essential to recognize when a child is complying. Typical rules include: no violence –

use problem solving instead, no swear words – use vocabulary instead, no illegal

drugs – use recreation & sports, no temper tantrums – calmly express your

frustration, no teasing siblings – redirect that energy into sports, no trespassing into

others bedrooms – ask for what you want, no stealing or borrowing without

permission – ask for what you want, no lying – tell the truth and ask for help with

solving the problem.

Many parents only recognize non-compliance, using negative recognitions. This

confuses many children because they’re getting needed attention by acting out.

Furthermore, the negative attention carries the implied statement “You failed.” After

a while, these become internalized as “I’m a failure.” Remember, that we need

strokes and will seek out negatives rather than go without. So a person will continue

to draw negative conditional strokes unless they start receiving positive conditional

strokes in abundance.

Samples:

I appreciate that you’ve not used any swear words all morning. Thanks for following

the rules. This also shows me that you have self control, that you are thinking, and

that you are taking responsibility for your actions. Good for you.

I notice you haven’t teased your sister. Nice job of following the rules.

I’m proud of you. Despite wanting ___, you didn’t trespass into your brothers room.

You’re following the rules. That’s quite mature of you.

I want you to know that I’ve watched you control your anger for the last 10 minutes.

Excellent self control. And I’ve noticed you using problem solving and asking for

what you want. I’m excited about you doing that.

I saw you rolling your eyes when I spoke just now so I know you’re not pleased with

what I said; but despite that you’re not having a temper tantrum, nor are you swearing

or being violent – way to go in following the rules. You’re really showing good

maturity.

I heard you ask me for a ride. Congratulations on clearly and calmly asking for what

you want. Based on that request I’m happy to agree to drive you to the mall.

When I asked you about the party I saw you take a deep breath, then you told the

truth. Bravo. Sticking to the rules even when you feel uncomfortable is very powerful

and responsible. I like that.

I’ve noticed that you are no longer wearing tops that accentuate your breasts. That’s

following our no provocative clothing rule, and I approve. I more than approve, I

applaud you on that choice because it tells me you are taking your sexuality seriously,

you’re taking adult responsibility for sexual attention. Fantastic demo of how a

woman safely conducts herself in this culture.

I appreciate that you haven't been teasing or arguing with your brother.

You haven't been mean to the dog all day long. I appreciate that very much.

Virtues and Signature

Strengths for use in

Experiential Recognition

Wisdom and Knowledge: creativity, curiosity, open-

mindedness, love of learning,

perspective.

Courage: bravery, persistence,

integrity, vitality.

Humanity: love (loving and

allowing oneself to be loved),

kindness (generosity, nurturance,

care, compassion, altruistic love,

niceness), social (emotional, and

personal) intelligence.

Justice: citizenship (social

responsibility, loyalty, teamwork),

fairness, leadership.

Temperance: forgiveness and

mercy, humility and modesty,

prudence, self-regulation.

Transcendence: appreciation of

beauty and excellence, gratitude,

hope (optimism, future-

mindedness), humor and

playfulness, spirituality

(religiousness, faith, purpose)

You have not been screaming or yelling since your time-out. I really appreciate the

extra self control you're using ...especially since I can see that you're still

disappointed.

I appreciate that you didn't throw a tantrum when you were told "no" to your

question.

I appreciate that you haven't been demanding. Good job for being thoughtful.

You have not been a bully to your brother and haven't used bad words. I really

appreciate that.

I appreciate that you haven't been aggressive. That's a healthy way to be powerful.

I appreciate that you have not been ditching school or violating curfew. Your effort

helps me a lot and it's really using good judgment and is a wonderful choice.

I appreciate that you haven't been rude to your teachers. Thank you for using good

manners.

Thanks for getting back in control of your strong feelings. You were really mad and

you calmed yourself down. Good job for choosing peacefulness.

Now That I Know The Strokes, How Do I Swim

I’ve described the types of conditional strokes that are excellent for managing

behavior, especially children’s behavior. In this regard I want to emphasize two

points:

(1) Everyone needs unconditional strokes as well as conditional strokes. We need to

know we are worthy of another person’s attention for being, not just for how we

behave.

(2) There is another type of stroke I’ve not talked about yet - praise. Praise is a

neutered impotent crossbreed stroke between conditional and unconditional strokes,

for example: “you’re a good boy/girl” “you’re being naughty” “you know better than

that” “you’re smart” “you look nice”. These examples of praise are not specific

enough to be conditional strokes but too behavioral to be unconditional strokes! As

such, praise is frequently (perhaps always) discounted by the recipient. Praise might

be accepted with skepticism and doubt as in “what’s he tying to say” or it might be

dismissed outright as in “that’s not true, he doesn’t know the real me”; but either way

the stroke is not nearly as effective as it could be. Parents especially make the mistake

of praising children when they should be giving pure conditional or unconditional

strokes. A child who is praised will often reject it with disbelief, decide something

discounting about themselves or the other (or both) and proceed to get a clear

believable negative stroke. When you hear parents say they’ve tried praising for good

behavior you’ll know what the problem is.

I suggested previously that breaking the stroke economy rules will: help you easily

build instant rapport with people, even young children; assist in understanding where

to start repairing a relationship; lead you to feel calm going into almost any social

situation; and invite you into feelings of calm and happiness. I’ve also suggested that

knowing about strokes will help you discover when to keep your mouth shut and not

say anything as a means of improving relationships or simple interactions.

So let’s get specific.

Give unconditional positive strokes freely, and if you give a verbal stroke, own it!

“in my opinion you’re a friendly person” “one of the things I like about you is your

smile” “as I was thinking of our meeting I felt excited to see you” “for me, I always

enjoy our time together” “I like your sense of humor” “I appreciate how caring you

are, and what you just said is an example” “ I love who you are” “to me you have

beautiful <physical characteristic such as eyes, skin, hair, lips etc.>” “I love you no

matter what you look like” “What you wear doesn’t affect my love for who you are.”

Give conditional positive strokes freely, and own the stroke by stating it with an I.

“I like the way you <specific behavior ie. noticed I was wanting more coffee>”

“when you say … I feel … thanks” “I appreciate you calling me” “I like the way you

use color in your scarf to bring out the color of your eyes” “I’m touched by your

interest in what’s happening with me.” “Nice smile.” “As soon as you saw us sit in

your section you came right over, I appreciate that.” “I appreciate your attentiveness”

“I’ve been noticing how you often take a leadership role around here, thanks.”

Accept the strokes you like: “thanks” “thanks for sharing that” “glad you noticed”

“yea I am a loveable person” “oh that feels nice” “yum, I’ll take that in”

Ask for strokes you want: “will you say something nice about my <physical

characteristic, personality>?” “will you tell me two things you like about me?” “will

you acknowledge how well I cleaned the kitchen?” “tell me I did well on that speech”

“I’m feeling a little unsure of myself will you confirm that I’m good looking” “will

you tell me you love me?” “will you give me a hug?” “you willing to share a hug

with me?” “what did you like about the way I did …”

Don’t accept the strokes you don’t want: “hmm, no I’m not going to take that in”

“ah, that’s not a good thing for me to hear” “I don’t believe that” “I hear what you’re

saying, but I’m not going to believe it” “I’ll think about that, but for now I’m not

gonna accept it.” “well everyone has a right to their opinion”

If you don’t want a stroke, instead of refusing it verbally, refuse it by remaining

silent. Inside your mind you should be discounting the stroke. By saying something in

response to an unwanted stroke, you’re actually giving a stroke back – rewarding the

giver; and that return stroke reward increases the probability of more unwanted

strokes coming your way. In Transactional Analysis we have a professional practice

tip that says “Catch the first discount a client makes” for this reason – it helps stop a

habit from starting in the relationship.

Lastly, give yourself positive strokes. Start a stroke folder on your computer to hold

emails, photos, videos and such. Start a physical folder to hold birthday cards, letters,

photos and such. In times when you feel lonely or as we say “stroke deprived” and

you’re not willing to connect with a real person to ask for a stroke, give yourself a

stroke by reviewing the contents of your stroke folders.