HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND - Stephen Nash (CEIC)

I worked with two clients recently who both asked me to summarize how it is that I help guys with this age-old question: How To Get A Girlfriend.

I realized this was such a clear request that I have handled in my ebook, but I thought it might be useful to briefly cover this in an article - as a sort of primer - so that guys who haven’t yet purchased the book can have a clearer idea of what we’re all about here at Cutting Edge Image Consulting (CEIC).

It is rather an audacious claim – to say that we understand how to help YOU get a girlfriend. But, via tons of research, loads of interviews, massive trial and error, and a solid education at the school of hard knocks, I do believe we’ve found an answer…

Seduction is a huge catch word out there for guys – the image of you seducing women left and right is dangled in front of your nose ten times a day if you surf the web without your brain turned on. Listen, seduction is fine and dandy, if you know how to meet women, and are looking for the RIGHT kinds of women into a relationship.

It’s not how to get a girlfriend though…

I am not a fan of using seduction as a trick to get laid…or as a way of manipulating women into thinking you like them when you don’t…and I learned about that the hard way…Enough said.

For most guys who suffer from a lack of success with women, what they really want is more options, better options, and ultimately, an awesome girlfriend.

Dating is tough because most people give themselves to the laws of chance when seeking a mate. Finding a lasting relationship is hugely important to most people, so why should this be left to chance??

My belief is that a guy who is not meeting enough women, or the right women, is simply not living in the right way.

If you want to meet MORE women, do you put yourself into circumstances where you can interact with them?

If you want to meet the RIGHT women, do you do things which naturally bring you into contact with people who share commonalities with you?

Mastering the above two questions is crucial to your dating success. If you aren’t meeting enough women, and you want to get a girlfriend, you’d better find natural ways to socialize MORE. Join some clubs or take some classes. Get on email lists for events that interest you. Go to a party. Throw a party. Invite people out after work. This is the first step.

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You then need to focus on meeting more of the right kinds of women – which only happens as we gain more and more clarity on what it is that we like to do/don’t like to do and start doing it more and more.

If you are really pursuing aims in this world, which means taking lots of action, you will naturally be more and more in community with like-minded people. Also, don’t go places where you don’t want to go, just to meet women. What you need to do is to meet more people, in environments that interest you. The BEST way to meet women is along the way to doing something else.

How To Get A Girlfriend, you say? The short answer = do the things you love, and meet the others who are there doing it with you…

Knowing skills like flirting, complimenting, storytelling, teasing, engaging conversations etc. are critical if you want to streamline and maximize your success in the dating world…being evolved socially means learning through experience how to relate to others.

Having an expert like me allows you to massively speed up the process, while helping you also to round out your social acumen.

But, ultimately, LIFE-skills are what is attractive to women. Men who lead meaningful lives are the men who end up with meaningful relationships. How a man lives, is how a man loves…so, when a woman peers behind the looking glass and sees what is REALLY going on in your world – that will tell her how you will love her as well.

Life and women are very similar.

The main life skill that we advocate, and teach guys to pursue is:

Autonomy.

Being autonomous means being SECURE. Security is what women biologically/intuitively seek from men. Being secure means that you are balanced and leading a healthy lifestyle. There are a number of areas that I ask men to be accountable in – and when I work with you, we go through a series of exercises within each area to fully focus you and pinpoint areas of development.

An autonomous lifestyle + impeccable social skills = real CHOICE in dating and relationships.

This combination gives you power without sneaky, manipulative gimmicks. It also gives you the label “man” rather than “PUA”. I have met very few guys who want to be pick-up artists…but I have met plenty who feel that that is their best option. That is simply not the truth.

Having a balanced, healthy lifestyle allows you to lead your own lives without needing to “sarge”, and naturally places you in front of the women that are right for you. No more target practice, if you wish.

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Mailbag: One-itis, Toxic Women & The Genesis of “The Game”

This post could be called: the opposite of How To Get A Girlfriend. Today I want to discuss a phenomenon in the dating world called “one-itis”.

Ever hear of it?

Or, worse yet - ever experience it?? Ugh, I hope not man.

This is where you, the guy, become so obsessed with a woman that you literally cannot see other options which exist. The man afflicted with “one-itis” is consumed with the girl’s behavior, her every word, the meaning of all of her actions. He is searching for some clue that will enable him to know that she likes him.

This is no way to get a girlfriend…

I make the argument that women who trigger one-itis are TOXIC for the guy (not ALL guys, but only for the one who has the One-itis). The best course of action here is to drop her immediately. Stop any and all pursuit of her.

If she changes her behavior, and chases the guy after he drops her, this is OK…but in my experience, highly unlikely.

One-itis is VERY different from the feelings associated with falling in love. My girlfriend and I are very much in love with each other, and never have I felt an ounce of toxicity akin to “one-itis”. Mutual love rarely devolves into obsession, and when it does, it is usually quickly assuaged by true and sincere contact between the two people involved.

Real love is when both parties are interested and available. “One-itis” is when only one party is available (even though the other may be interested)…confused yet?

I remember during the Project Hollywood experiment, we ALL had one-itis at one point. Mystery for Katya, TD for some girl named Celeste (can’t remember if that’s her real name) and I for a girl named Ananda.

We would wake up controlled by the obsession of ‘winning’ her over, of making her ‘ours’. I went to incredible extremes to try and make Ananda my girlfriend. I would drive to her home unannounced, I would engage in absurd text message conversations. TD and I once went to her home after a night out, and we did indeed hook-up.

Did this satisfy me?

Definitely not.

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There is something so uncontrollable and slippery about women who are not REALLY available to us. They might say they are, they might even indicate physically that they are (having sex with us, for example), the might contain SOME interest for us, but in their hearts - they are unavailable.

So, they engage us in ‘a game’.

They are intrigued, and interested enough in our approach that they allow us to dangle on the line of pseudo-interest while they get their kicks.

Oh, and I should add, we men are NO different! How many women have I had on the line as ‘an option’ only to see them become so obsessed with me that they call/email/text more and more, trying to be reassured that I am truly interested.

Once I stopped doing this to women, I also stopped experiencing the obsession of “one-itis”.What you give is what you get, in other words.

This brings me to a very interesting mailbag question I received over the weekend. Let’s hear from him now:

Here’s my dilemma.

I love your book. I have been following your advice- lifting weights, getting into health and fitness. I am taking a computer science class at night school, so I feel like my career is going somewhere too. I signed up for a series of dancing lessons and and there were five girls in the class. After the class, I suggested that we all go across the street for a drink. After a couple of weeks, the cutest one and I hit it off.

She is a smart girl. She taught school and is now going back for her PHD. She reads a lot, has a really close family life and is especially close to her father. She is kind, happy, beuatiful and has similar spiritual beliefs to my own.

We flirted over drinks with the gang a few times and texted each other. I organized a party and she worked the door for a coule of shifts and I hung out with her. She is a great flirt and I tease the hell out of her. I called her on the phone and we had a great conversation for over an hour. Later that week, we went out on a picnic and gently kissed for two hours. She must have said about five times what a great time she had.

Now we haven’t talked for two weeks! I call her every few days and leave a message, she waits a week to call me. All told, I’ve left five messages, she’s left me two.

I think she went home from our picnic, picked up her copy of “The Rules” and said “OMG! I forgot, I am supposed to play hard to get.”

Well, if the purpose of “The Rules” is to get a guy to obsess over a girl.. it’s working! But this is not fun. We had a real connection and it would be bad enough if two weeks went by without

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seeing each other, but two weeks have gone buy without even talking. Twice already, I have said to myself “Well, I guess it didn’t work out with her, time to move on…” only to have her call me the next day (and I missed the call).

I have gone on dates with other women in the mean time, not real keepers like her, and I wouldn’t worry about her, except she is a real girlfriend-quality woman.

Any advice?

So, the natural impulse here is TO CONTROL. We want to formulate strategies that will enable us to reduce the pain we are experiencing by being unable to control the woman and dictate a certain outcome.

We want to win, we want to feel good.

So, we seek out advice for how to “get the girl”. We want some blueprint which will safely guide us to the finish line of victory.

It does not exist.

What is interesting about this guy’s question is that is really highlights that she IS interested in him. She calls him, she kissed him, she gives just enough interest to keep him - in her mind - as ‘an option’.

He emailed me a few days later remarking that:

She finally called me, so I invited her to go see a parade with my friends and I. She didn’t show up or call, so I “fired her”. I said in my email, “I wouldn’t worry about her, but she was a real girlfriend quality woman”- but it turns out she was totally not.

Denial is not only a river in Egypt…

It took him one more stab to reveal to him that she was not good for him. Good for him for recognizing it, and dropping her.

The mind is a very intelligent thing, and my belief is that when we slip into obsession we are attempting to control something which is uncontrollable. We have picked-up cue’s which inform us that she is not available. These fly in direct conflict with our desires to date her. Obsession, “one-itis” is the result of this conflict.

“The Game” is a natural result of this phenomenon.

The desire to control women is an age-old struggle. The pain experienced by a broken heart is easily one of the greatest known to mankind.

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Why wouldn’t we then attempt to control or govern an outcome?

My argument to guys is when a woman produces such toxicity within you, it is your responsibility to let her go asap. The “one-itis” obsession is extremely painful and imparts tremendous stress and pain in our lives. The arrogance is that we can “win” her even while she impacts us this way.

This is precisely the point at which we MUST drop her and we MUST move on. Our self-esteem depends upon it.

AT FIRST GLANCE

There you are, walking down the street, and you lock eyes with an attractive woman. You both hold this stare for as long as you possibly can.

Then, you pass her, and after a few paces, glance back only to find she has done just the same thing. Your hear skips a beat, and you wonder, “should I talk to her?”

If you are like most people you keep walking, regretting that you didn’t take the obvious opportunity to go for it.

Why is this?

Why is it that we receive an OBVIOUS social signal from a person we are clearly attracted to, only to find ourselves walking away from a golden opportunity?

Part of it is conditioning and part of it is fear. Fear, a most devastating force, trains us over time not to trust ourselves. If we did, we would know the door was wide open, and would walk up and start a conversation.

Think about how many similar opportunities you have had, and with a simple change in your thought pattern, what kind of difference in your life would that mean?

If a girl gives you eye contact, and holds it for just a bit longer than is the custom, it means EXACTLY what it means when you do the same thing…she feels that jolt of attraction. She sees you, and feels her chemistry change in that moment.

It is the magic of attraction - when you see each other, and something in you says “yes”. What usually happens is that we pass these open doors all the time. Sometimes it is not feasible to approach the girl.

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We might have a meeting, or might be running late to work. There are many viable reasons not to stop and talk. I think most of us intuitively know what this magic moment means, and we simply don’t trust ourselves to go for it.

Nike said it best - Just Do It.

Another definite signal she is definitely into you is if she smiles at you. Sounds obvious - and it is obvious.

She wouldn’t smile at you if she wasn’t attracted to something about you. I once knew a guy who was above average in attractiveness, who had smiles from women all day long…he thought they were “just being nice”.

In fact, this is an opening to begin a conversation. It is a signal that her first impression of you is a good one, and that she would be interested in meeting you.

Let’s say you are in the office cafeteria, having lunch with some colleagues. You are chatting away, when someone at a nearby table catches your eye. You and she look at each other a bit longer than is normal in such a situation.

You guys have all been there - you see her, she sees you, and there is a moment, albeit brief, where you really see each other. Your heart likely speeds up in that moment, your breath shortens, there is something electric about it.

Both she and you decide to allow the other to notice that you are being checked out. This is a great signal that there is some initial attraction between you and a woman.

Another way to tell if a woman is into you initially is to notice her body language and behavior.If you see that she goes out of her way to pass your table, or office, or your location, so that you can check her out - that is a good sign.

I recall once being at a restaurant with some friends of mine. I had made eye contact with a woman a few tables away. She kept getting up for one reason or another, and each time she would she would glance our way, and then parade by our table to reach her destination.

A friend of mine pointed this out to me. I then made my introduction to her later in the night, and eventually dated this woman.

Also, if a woman is in your vicinity, and she opens her body language to you by facing you, this also is a good sign that she is open to meeting you.

Imagine you are in a group of people, carrying on a conversation. When you speak, she faces you with her body. But, when someone else speaks, she turns her head to hear them, but her body still faces you. This indicates that she is more interested in talking with you than with anyone else in the group.

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Also, pay attention to your body language in social situations. When you see someone that you find attractive, don’t you subtly open your body to them?

What we are doing is signaling the other person, subconsciously, that we are interested in having a conversation with them.

These subtle cues occur within social settings constantly. If you can recognize them, you will begin to see that women are communicating with men via their behavior and body language all the time.

These are signs that, initially, she feels some attraction for you. By noticing these, you will feel a greater amount of confidence when making your introductions later.

One last point on these initial signs: if you notice a woman, and she does not signal you in any of the above ways, it might simply mean that she is preoccupied or that she simply hasn’t noticed you.

In any event, go ahead and make your approach, what do you have to lose? There are no hard and fast rules here as that would be way too easy, and therefore, unrealistic. Go for it anyway.With some good conversational skills and a solid personal style, your first impression will be great anyway.

Your chances are then very good for entering into a positive interaction with the woman you have approached.Here is a list of twenty-five ways women signal initial interest to us:

1) Repeatedly glances at you from across the room2) Walks by your location, going out of her way to be noticed by you3) Smiles at you4) Positions herself so that her body is open to you, wanting you to see her5) In a tight environment (say, by the bar or on the subway), will subtly, and purposely, bump you to get your attention and prompt an “excuse me”6) Stands close to you, subtly encroaching on your personal space7) Repeats herself, and talks about boring things to keep the conversation going8) Asks you personal questions9) Ignores her friends or cellphone to keep talking with you10) Touches you in any way while speaking with you11) Compliments you12) Talks about you in any way to other people13) Introduces you to her friends14) Flirts with you15) She asks you your name early in the conversation16) Brags about something in her life, trying to impress you17) Laughs at things you say18) Talks for a longer than normal amount of time19) She fills in awkward pauses

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20) She agrees to spend time alone with you; even a small side conversation at a party, bar, or other social setting21) Asks if you are single22) Fixes her hair, clothes, makeup, etc23) Plays with her hair while talking with you24) Agrees with everything you say25) Has that “doggy dinner bowl” look - her eyes glaze over and her lower lip pouts. This one’s a biggie!

You don’t have to witness all of these to know if she is into you or not. As few as one or two may all you get.

That is why it is important to pay attention to her behavior, as well as what she says.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I was recently out with some female friends of mine here in New York City. We were mostly talking about dating and socializing (for some reason, conversations seem to end up on that topic when I am around - haha).

One of my closer friends, let’s call her Amy, was talking about a guy she recently met at a party. Seems innocent enough, right? Well, what she disclosed to me in the next three minutes was like getting more than just a peek behind the veil. I was totally shocked at what she told me.

Before I delve into what her mental processes were, let me remind you - with women, you NEVER get a second chance at a first impression. I find that men tend to reserve judgment for a few moments before arriving at an opinion of a person.

Women, however, tend to form this in a matter of SECONDS. So, if you don’t have your look, vibe & life HANDLED, you are destined for the bottom feeding extravaganza known as sarging, and spending time with GUYS who like to talk about (but never actually DATE) attractive and interesting women.

Women have developed a system of sensitivity over the years that we can NOT relate to. They have a “Creep Meter” (now known forever as CM) that is designed to protect them from predatory, disingenuous posers who masquerade as having their shit together when in reality they are arrogantly assuming that it is OK to play in the “land of make believe”. And, just so we all know, what is small subset of these ne’er-do-wells?

- PUAs (aka, pick-up artists)- Players- Serial daters- Nicely dressed dudes, pockets filled with “things to say” only seeking sexual fulfillment (aka, pick-up artists)

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Hopefully this will be a bit repetitive to you who consistently read this blog, but the above subset only attracts its reciprocal – meaning, dimly lit hotties or player girls…which is why they are all chronically single, and mostly spend time with members of their OWN sex. Pretenders attract pretenders…the CM is much too high for women with a reasonably high IQ.

You should be suspicious of the “women experts” out there whose entourage consists of lapdog boys vaguely dressed as the guru…and who “just broke up with their girlfriend”

So, back to my story…what I did was ask her to put her thoughts into WORDS (in an email) so I could directly reproduce it here with no editorializing on my part. Here is the precise mental process of Amy:

First, I noticed his body language – it was like he was subtly leading with his dick. The guy had his head slightly tilted back, like an arrogant snob or something. I felt like he was looking down on me. I then quickly read his tone, it was tense – like he had something to hide. It was too high-pitched for his “too big” posture. I never trust a guy with tense vocal chords, I don’t really know why either. Then, I noticed he was wearing a necklace, and when I asked him about it he had NO idea that the icon in it was in fact an Asian fertility symbol – what a poser! His shirt collar had ring around the collar – how tacky is that! Next, his belt buckle was WAY over the top – classic try hard. I hate it when guys overcompensate for their lack of personality with flash and glitz. He had a slight unibrow, which is often not a huge issue for me, but combined with everything else, made it yet another piece of evidence. His fingernails were all dirty – which is completely inexcusable – and his shoes did not match his clothing. You know, all of this may seem small, and petty. But, I gotta say, all of these small things were completely congruent with his VIBE – there was something about him which was like a real estate salesman who wouldn’t take you into the basement cause he knew it was flooded. I can’t put my finger on it, but he was just CREEPY.

That’s the best I can do!

Amy.

Flabbergasting. I mean, what’s a guy to do with all of this analysis going on?? Is there any hope for us? At first, I thought that Amy might be the problem. But all of the other women at the table completely AGREED.

What I later learned was that many of these small things are not a big deal if the VIBE seems cool and trustworthy. A woman is willing to overlook a zit, or a dirty fingernail, if the overall picture is together.

So, how do you know if the overall picture is together? My advice – LOOK AROUND YOU. Are there women in your world? Do you have female friends in your life? If not, you might be setting off CM’s when you meet women.

Women WANT to meet and date cool guys who have REAL lives. If you are not dating interesting, attractive women – you are probably creeping them out.

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You can dress this up as much as you want, you can learn all the gimmicks you can get your hands on, you can even model the VERY BEST in the world…and still be single, horny, desperate…and alone.

Hell, at the end of Project Hollywood, we, the so-called BEST, were ALL single. What a joke right! There were guys there teaching men how to pick-up girls who hadn’t been kissed in MONTHS.

The message here is – GET A LIFE…and get a REAL one. That is the ONLY way to meet women. And, as you get that life, LEARN social skills the hard way – by practicing. Guys who set off the CM’s of the world are unsocialized, and are unwilling to practice in order to normalize their behavior around women.

The whole reason I wrote “How To Get A Girlfriend” was to put a system into place that would help develop a guy’s social skills so that he could approach and attract the women he desires. But, also, to provide a way for a guy to fix his internal self-image and have that align with his Look and Vibe.

WHAT “ATTRACTION” REALLY IS

So many words in our lexicon are tossed around with such a variety of meaning, that it’s a true wonder that we understand each other in this culture. This is PARTICULARLY true in the world of dating. One basic concept that you guys HAVE to grasp is the nature of ATTRACTION.

Attraction, in brief, is simply when someone feels a romantic impulse towards another. It is the first step in building a meaningful relationship.

What follows are chemistry, connection, compromise and commitment. Initially, if a woman is attracted to you and you to her, you have accomplished the simplest and most elusive building block in a relationship.

I have met many men over the years, and have studied the nature of what is attractive to women. Initially, each woman (and man) has a certain “type” that triggers the potential for attraction. This does not mean that if you don’t fit that type that you are out of luck. It does mean that your chances of engaging her in a flirtatious conversation increase.

As a man, it is very hard to know what type a particular woman is attracted to – and there is only one way to find out – initiate a conversation with her. The best way to increase your chances with women, is to increase the attractiveness of your world and the daily life you lead.

Women, intuitively, are looking for a man that fulfills her innate need for security. This is why insecure men have trouble attracting a mate. A secure man tends to embody a sense of humor, focus/determination (he lives with purpose), leadership, humility and vulnerability. Healthy, attractive women crave this combination.

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These traits are challenging for many men, which is why I believe a guy who struggles with women is living out of balance with himself. His outlook is normally negative, and he seems to respond to life, rather than act or move towards it. Insecurity is a result of being prey to negative emotions, such as depression, anger, envy, greed, lust etc.

If a guy struggles with envy, he will find himself walking through the world comparing himself to everyone he meets, subtly fulfilling his internal prophecy of “I am not enough, look at that guy, he’s got it all…”

The essence to being an attractive man is being a positive man. If you are a guy who struggles with dating and relationships, you must ask yourself these essential questions:

• Do you see problems in front of you, or challenges?

• Are you willing to accept yourself as you are, for the moment, and take on the responsibility of creating a life that is truly your own?

• Are you focused on short-term survival, or long-term prosperity?

History proves that, biologically – and therefore, intuitively - women seek out men that give them a sense of security. In order for a man to provide this, he must be secure in himself. A secure man is an autonomous man…he is the elusive one within each of us who craves to call his life his own.

If you desire to persuade people into your life in order to build relationships, you will be far more compelling to others if what you are offering promises to be a positive experience for them.

This is a simple sales model – in order to sell a product, it needs to promise a positive experience for the consumer. If your world is filled with positive emotions (humor, happiness, passion, to name a few) you will magnetically bring like-minded people into your life.

For example, when you are talking to a woman on the phone, and she asks you “what’s up?” You might reply by painting an interesting and exciting view of the world in front of you – be original. Recently, I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine, and in the middle of the conversation, I described to her the very funny scene happening directly in front of me – which was of two kids playing with a puppy.

It was a very humorous way to involve her into my world, one that helped her understand that I see the world as a lively and fun place, and that I am not afraid to share that with her – doing things like this says so much about you as a man, but do you take the time to consider it?

Another great way to reflect a powerful image into the world is in how you dress. Look at your wardrobe. Are you up on the latest fashion? Is your look something you are proud of, that you enjoy? Does your look work for your career path?

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If not, you might want to consider at least enhancing your wardrobe a bit with some of the basics or by buying a very nice pair of shoes for example. Or, seek out some help in defining a look which works with both your personality and lifestyle, and then find a way to incorporate that – hire an image consultant, get your stylish sister to go shopping with you, buy men’s magazines for ideas…the possibilities are endless here guys.

Just remember, the most critical aspect in considering how you dress is to reflect your personality in a powerful way, that also works for the environment or scene that you are in. Might not be best to wear a really cool t-shirt to your corporate job, for example.

If you can be someone who sees the world in a positive light, you will naturally bring people closer to you. Men who are successful with women are those who are autonomous and embody a spirit of security by having a full, meaningful and positive lifestyle. In short, they are happy.

HOW TO AVOID BEING “JUST FRIENDS”

Don’t worry, it happens to each and every one of us. We meet a woman, she is gorgeous, intelligent, and seems into us. And then, just as we are about to move to kiss her, she throws up her hands and delivers the CLASSIC line:A

Let’s Just Be Friends

Ugh…our hearts drop, we feel embarrassed, and our masculinity plummets. What happened? What went wrong?

There is no fail-safe method to preventing this, but there are some tried and true tips to help stave-off this dreaded phrase. Here we go:

1) Be physical. No, I don’t mean wrestle with her, but I do mean for you to TOUCH her. Perhaps you just met her, and have been talking for 5-10 minutes – touch her lightly on the hand or the shoulder. Or, you are out on your first date, offer your arm to her as you cross the street or subtly place your hand on her lower back. These are masculine moves, which signal to her that this is a romantic interaction, not a “friendly” one.

2) Be bold. Ultimately guys, she is looking to you to be both sensitive to her and to the moment. If the window opens for a kiss, be bold, and go for it. If you allow too many of these to pass, the energy changes, and you classify YOURSELF as a “friend”. Even if she rejects your advance, it is far better to go for it than not. You get nowhere fast by hoping a kiss magically happens. If she does reject you, this doesn’t mean you cannot try again later. Also, she may be saving you a lot of time by indicating that she simply is not interested in you. Better to find out now…

3) Challenge her. Too often we are so eager to please the woman that we fail to be ourselves. If we are really focused and moving our lives forward, our attractiveness to women increases tremendously. A woman, intuitively, biologically, is seeking a man who will be firm and

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steadfast in his resolve, and his purpose. The way we demonstrate this is in not accepting her at her fullest. So, if you feel that she is not really living up to her potential, TELL HER. If she is allowing herself to slip into mediocrity, TELL HER. Do it tenderly, and with love, but be sure to do it. Don’t accept less than her best.

There you go guys. If you can do these three things with consistency, you will never find yourself hearing those awful words again…”Let’s Just Be Friends”. There will be times when you do not get the girl, but you will always be firm in your purpose maintaining your integrity. And, you will be better prepared for the NEXT girl, just around the corner.

THE REVERSAL

Had an interesting conversation the other night that I wanted to share. Is it just me, or do the best inspirations always come when you least expect them?

Anyway, I am a pretty driven guy – and usually find myself out too late working on projects that interest me. I’ve been getting interested again in the arts recently, and this guy is a painter friend of mine, who is about to open a gallery show. He’s a really cool guy, but a bit clueless when it comes to women.

He’s got a cool place to live where he also works, so whenever we meet up we always go to his place so I can see what he’s up to.

As usual, anytime I am hanging with a friend, they always ‘download’ their recent girl dramas. And this time was no different. My friends all get a kick out of my job, and they also know that I LOVE hearing stories from “the field”.

He had recently hit up this bar downtown, and wanted to try out some approaches. He’s not a PUA per se, but he does like to engage women in conversation. Here’s what he told me:

Him: “Stephen, I know you guys used to script these things to a tee…and I understand that and all, but I discovered that the BEST way to open up a convo is to REVERSE their expectations from the get-go”

Me: “Hmmm…I have this image of you approaching them and pretending to be gay and completely disinterested…true? Please say no…”

Him: “No way. Not at all. But take the most common scenario, a guy rolls up and says ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ – right? Isn’t that the most common scenario?”

Me: (ugh, he’s building a ‘yes’ tree here…he’s a great salesman) YES

Him: “So, what if you – INSTEAD – said to her: “Hey girls – listen, I’ve got a little challenge – you up for it? (they always say ‘yes’). If you can guess my favorite drink, I will buy you a drink. In fact, I’ll give you three shots at it”

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Me: Hmmmm…that’s interesting…tell me more (aka, YES)

Him: “Well, it immediately puts a fun frame around the interaction, and separates you from the pack. Isn’t that what you’re always saying Stephen? AND, I got three numbers last Friday night using JUST this method.”

He was and IS right. I was so glad he brought this up, because it is so SIMPLE and useful to guys who dislike routines, but who also want some sort of structure to use when beginning the conversation.

It reminded me of a conversation Style and I had years back at Project Hollywood. We were rehashing an old Ross Jeffries routine that I used to use when I was very new. It goes like this:

“Excuse me. Are you confident enough to accept a sincere compliment from a complete stranger?”

I’ve always liked this script, and used it for a long time. I even experienced results with it, unlike most who use RJ’s stuff.

Style and I however conceived of a new way of wording it – by adding the below to the end.

(after she says ‘yes’)

“Hey, so am I! You go first”

What you do is completely reverse the expectation and cause her to have to think on her feet. This obviously separates you from ‘the pack’ while also causing intrigue. She HAS to engage you, as she can’t rely on her own bag of tricks.

So, engage her in conversation by using her expectations FOR you. The only difference – REVERSE this so that you get the advantage.

Take an obvious source of conversation, and simply reverse it on its head so that you are challenging her. Here are some examples (all said with a smile btw…otherwise you’ll come off as an ass):

“If I give you guys some cash, do you mind bringing drinks to me and my friends throughout the night? We’re really tired and would love to just kick back without running back and forth to the bar”

or

“Nice bag. Could I borrow it for say five minutes? I want to impress someone”

or

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(if someone is having a cellphone conversation nearby)

(roll your eyes) “Let’s pretend to be the other person on the line. We’ll take turns. I’ll go first: “aah, but I love you Jim, I think about you always…” (turn it into a soap opera)

Be challenging and engaging. Be DIFFERENT. Use something happening and turn it on its head. Instead of asking a lame question about it – turn it into something USEFUL.

STORYTELLING

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with NOTHING to say?

Are you the kind of guy who ‘defaults’ into asking questions when the discussion dries up?

If so, I have the perfect solution for you…

Tell A STORY!

Storytelling is an age-old art form, but for our purposes I want to keep things simple…this is just an article, right?

With women, it is important that you tell a story in a way that captures and leads HER imagination, so that it brings her into your world…which is a nice place to be, right?

Men who are naturally successful with women almost always have a sincere interest in life, and in living it to the fullest.

I talk at length about passion, and its relevance to being attractive in the final chapter of “How To Get A Girlfriend”, but I will touch on it here as it relates to storytelling.

These “naturals” have a lot of activities going on, where they are able to test themselves, and grow as men.

Their life is interesting. It brings a lot of fascination and intrigue, all because they have an open mind and choose to explore it.

One way that this serves to help them in their lives with women is that they have interesting stories to tell. Women (and all people) are captivated by a good story. The best storytellers always fill their words and tales with drama, humor, passion, intrigue and mystery.

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Next time you are at the beach, notice what kinds of books women are reading while they sunbathe. This summer, I seemed to see a lot of romance novels, as well as mystery and suspense novels.

Women are most often led by their emotional center, and when they find something (or someone) who understands how to communicate with them in an emotional way, they get interested.

What might be some topics to focus on when considering what stories to tell while in the presence of women? Here’s a list:

- Pop Culture- Spirituality- Emotionally charged memories & experiences- Travel- Adventure- Humorous stories from your life

These topics are great because they are entertaining, exciting, funny and generate positive emotions. Also, the more interested you already are in a certain topic the better. This helps you to be enthusiastic when telling your story, a VERY necessary prerequisite for capturing someone’s attention.

If you have a natural interest in one of the above topics, it makes sense for you to want to share stories from your life that reflect this interest. Get that?

So, what are some ways that we can develop this skill called storytelling?

1) Pay attention (see the world around you, and develop an eye/ear for a good story)2) Learn to communicate via emotions (as opposed to logic)3) Live passionately

Let’s spend a BRIEF minute now with each of these topics.

Pay attention: People tend to sleep walk through their lives. Great poets seem to always highlight this when they discuss the smallest things, which most of us don’t see and appreciate. As you go through your life, pay attention to what you see.

Also, remember to paint the picture for someone. Get them involved by creating clear images of what is happening. Great storytellers are comfortable using their body, facial expressions and voice to illuminate the story.

This allows them to enter into that world, and have a similar experience of the story as you had when witnessing it. This strengthens the connection between the two of you, painting an attractive portrait of your world. Makes sense right?

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Each day of your life is full of scenes, scenarios, and happenings that make for good stories.

Also, many men forget that women like it when we make fun of ourselves. It communicates that you are secure with yourself. If you can tell a funny story which pokes fun at yourself, illustrates that you are human and are comfortable with that, you will get great reactions from women – TRUST ME.

I want to emphasize the importance of paying attention to what is happening around you. This can help you in all areas of your life, not just in relating to women.

No one’s life is so boring, so lacking in humor, beauty and drama, as to prevent them from having any interesting stories to relate to others.

Here is an appropriate mindset: you find your life interesting, and the world fascinates you; you, naturally, wish to convey this to others as you are a very social guy; you want others to come into your world so you invite them in with a story.

Learn emotional communication: If women could hit us all over the heads, and in a flash change one thing about men, it would be that we are not in touch with our emotions.

In order to communicate emotionally, we first must be in contact with our own emotional lives. This means being open to how we are feeling, each and every moment. (Check out David Deida’s “Blue Truth” for more on this)

Emotional communication is where you speak in a way that creates emotions in the listener. The way to do this as a storyteller is to invite the senses and emotions into the story.

This means to recreate the images that you observed, and sounds and smells you experienced, and anything you physically felt as a result of the experience. You must do this with your words, conveying these words with feeling and emotion.

Men tend to be stoic, stiff, logical people, governed more by their intellect while women tend to be more emotional, centered in their feelings. The “natural” is not stiff; he is relaxed and unafraid to convey emotions.

He relates a story from his life with real feeling and he sympathizes with women intuitively. At the same time he offers them strength and challenges them to face things in a more balanced way.

He is unafraid to give himself to something with a great deal of passion. The next time you go to a bar, or club, or somewhere where people are socializing, notice the men who have women with them. Are they the stiff, nervous-looking guys who are mostly silent and appear as a deer in headlights when face-to-face with a beautiful woman?

Nope.

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Are they the relaxed, confident guys who are just having fun, joking around with people, sharing the moment and their life lightheartedly, without the appearance of being under a lot of pressure?

Yes.

Once you open up and begin to trust and listen to yourself, you will begin to notice many cues that were always there before, but that you were unaware of…why? You weren’t paying attention, that’s why.

This is an invaluable skill when storytelling because it adds a dimension to it that women strongly relate to – an emotional dimension.

THE ATTRACTIVE NICE GUY

We’ve all heard it…and, to a degree, its true - “nice guys finish last”.

Why is that? I mean, wouldn’t YOU be flattered with someone who buys you everything you want, arrives promptly on time, thinks of you day and night, and always answers the phone on the first ring??

Actually, NO, I wouldn’t at all….

See where I am going with this??

Guys – women want us to be nice to them, but more importantly they want us to have our own LIVES. When, we shower and flatter them constantly, well that just shows them that they are VERY important to us – which might just scare the hell out of them.

Perhaps we need to rethink this word “nice” and frame it in the context of being attractive. OK?

An attractive guy is someone whose life is in balance, and is focused on an aim. In fact, each area of a guy’s life should be focused on an aim: his career; his health; his relationships; his hobbies etc. In fact, a guy who begins to realize on a deeper level his true nature might even feel a sense of harmony with all of these areas, creating the necessary “balance” of autonomy.

Now, don’t let me lose you here. I realize I am getting a bit heady, but just know that aiming towards a goal is something we truly need in each area of our lives.

The feeling most guys project is a sense of desperation, and a lack of a strong footing. Once a guy can arrange his lifestyle in such a way as to help harness his focus (and energy) the sense of desperation vanishes. His relationships with women lose the importance that they once had. Interestingly enough, he then is more attractive (READ: less desperate) to women.

Once a guy is centered in this place of, dare I say, personal power, he can then be truly nice to women. The former example is mere manipulation, and any woman with a head on her shoulders

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will smell you from ten miles away. So, stop seeking validation from women, and get your life in order. Once this happens, feel free to be as nice and considerate as you want.

I even tell some guys to STOP dating for some time while they get the rest of their lives in order. Only then is it fair to put yourself on the market. Until then, you will not attract a healthy mate to you, and will instead be looking for someone to fill a hole which they can not fill…that hole is your responsibility, not theirs…

So, just now, take a look at the following areas of your life:

Health/FitnessCareerSocial/friendshipsFamilyFinancialHobbies/OtherSpiritual

And score yourself from 1 to 10. We have a more sophisticated way of breaking this down with our clients, and in our seminars, but for now this should suffice. Based on your HONEST answers, where do you need to put some focus? How much time do you realistically need to meet some goals? Also, if you were to raise your level in each of these areas, would you attract someone different than you might be now?

I think that’s enough for now – and you thought you were going to hear a discourse on how to be nice. Trust me, each of you knows how to be nice, but what your missing is a self connected with a true source of masculine power. Until you reach that, you will settle across the board, for less than you deserve…

CULTIVATING A “LOOK”

If you want great relationships with quality women, what we feel is that you’ve got to get your life in order. And one thing you can do is think outside of this box and build a look that works for you.

So, if your image is that of an average guy, this encourages you to fade away, never standing out. Now I’m not talking about showing up to work in an outrageous costume every day! But what I am talking about is finding an image that works for you, and that helps you to be seen.

So ask yourself these three questions when you’re building your look and enhancing your image…ready?

No. 1: Does it help me feel more powerful and confident?

No. 2: Will it help me achieve the aims I strive for in life?

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No. 3: Does it work for my body type and personality?

Take those three questions with you as you begin to cultivate and design for yourself an image. So you might consider a certain garment, jacket, pants…

Let’s use an obvious example - If you have an office type of job, and you want to dress better at the workplace, diving into the jeans rack at the Gap might not be a wise choice. What I would suggest, in that case, is going to a good men’s store, perhaps not something that’s overpriced - here in New York we have Zara, which is great for men, particularly of my size, who are fairly thin and tall - they have great pants there.

Every major city typically has exceptional stores for clothing, mid-range stores for clothing, and then the average stores for clothing. I would stay away from the average stores, and shoot for the middle rack. You know, you’re not going to go to Saks Fifth Avenue, here in New York, if you’re not loaded with green. But you might go to Macy’s, or Zara, or you might go to good, intelligent thrift stores like Housing Works, where they often have hand-me-down’s worn by people who have great taste in clothing.

I recently found a $40 pair of Boss slacks at a thrift store which fit me perfectly that are a huge steal. They would easily retail for four or five-hundred dollars!

So, you have to think outside the box.

Here’s a couple of websites: Bluefly.com and Yoox.com, where you can buy contemporary clothing that is suited, hopefully, to your body type and color scheme, which you have to consider.

Also, here’s an exercise, and I want you to ask yourself these questions - write them down. Reread this tonight or tomorrow if you need to, and then write down the answers. And from those answers begin to try to conceptualize for yourself a new look, or at least the next step in a new look.

You’re going to be asked here to become your own image consultant because you’re not here in front of me and I obviously can not work with you directly, but I can give you something to think about.

There are eight of them…here goes:

No. 1: Go to a mirror and notice your body language. And ask yourself what does it communicate? You might even involve a friend. It could be male or female - if it’s a guy that you like to go out with, fine; if you have a female friend, fine. Ask them to help you here, because you might not be the best judge.

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No. 2: What body type are you? Thin, medium build, muscular, or are you overweight? Try to keep this answer simple.

No. 3: Thumb through a men’s magazine, and ask yourself which fashion ads grab your attention and why? What about the look of the men in the picture grabs your attention? This is important in order to see what stimulates your imagination. What it is that you might begin to feel great wearing?

No. 4: Imagine a scenario where you are successful in the workplace or in your career. And ask yourself what is it that you are wearing in that image? How is your posture, what is your vibe? Are you confident and assured? Are you meek and timid? Be honest with yourself and write this down.

No. 5: Imagine a scenario where you are going out on the town with the woman of your dreams. You’re arm in arm, headed to a concert perhaps, or a show. You are both very comfortable and happy with each other. What are you wearing, how is your posture, what is your vibe? Again, is it confident and assured, meek and timid? Something else/something in-between? Write it down.

No. 6: Use your imagination to determine what type of look you picture yourself in. Is it casual? Dressed up in suits? Is it preppy? Dressed down perhaps in the latest street-wear? Consider your day-to-day life, and what image you need to project to fulfill your aims. See yourself successfully achieving these goals and notice the look you embody. That one is HUGE. If you have any impressions or images of yourself as you read this, I would encourage you to examine those and look into them and see how far you can take that.

No. 7: Consider the roles that you play daily that impact your style. Are you an executive, student, a DJ? These are common sense. If you’re stuck, think of someone whose clothes you like, someone that you think dresses stylishly and conveys the right things with their look. At the same time look at yourself and be honest. Will this work for you?

You know, I personally love the way Mick Jagger dresses, but I can’t imagine myself wearing his clothing out in my daily life. That just wouldn’t be intelligent, so you’ve got to be smart here. That’s obviously an extreme example, but I think it communicates a point.

And then lastly…

No. 8: Who do you look like? Ask yourself; do you look like Mick Jagger? Do you look like Tom Cruise? Do you look like a friend of yours? Do you have a similar body type as he? Does your hair kind of mirror each other’s in some way? Take a look at that. Examine that. See what looks good on those body types, and then maybe adapt that to your own look.

A friend of mine was recently approached by someone who said that he looked like Pierce Brosnan. This guy kept getting people coming up to him saying ‘You look like Pierce Brosnan… You remind me of Pierce Brosnan’. So, what did he do? He looked at photographs of Pierce Brosnan, and didn’t exactly mirror his style necessarily, but did take on certain looks that he wore, even in Bond films, but certainly publicity photos of him coming in and out of theatres.

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He took on some of his looks, which looked GREAT.

A GREAT DATE

A really great date idea is something that is often very challenging for men. It’s hard to really know why it is that so many of us struggle with coming up with original and interesting ideas for activities and locations for where to take women for a night out. How many guys out there have consistently fallen back on the “Dinner & a Movie” idea? Probably most, if not ALL of you.So, what I wanted to do with this post was to give you one of my favorite date ideas, break down why it is so very good, and then toss the ball to the guys reading the blog out there for your ideas - as I am sure some of you have developed good ones yourself.First of all, you gotta understand that what you choose to do with a woman on a date reveals a lot about your personality. So, if you fall back on “ordinary” activities, you will be seen as - well - ordinary. Do you want that??In my ebook, How To Get A Girlfriend, I discuss how important it is for you to get involved in your community. This is key for many reasons, but two that I want to highlight now are:1) By being really “in” your community, you have more FUN, and;2) You consequently know of more interesting and FUN date ideas…Pretty simple. But, if you never branch out and try new things you will never have a better idea for when it comes time to plan the date. You will then default to what everyone else does…dinner and a movie.Notice I highlight FUN above (actually, I all CAPS it, to get your attention…master keystroke? We’ll see…) - when considering the where/what/how/when for your night out with “her”, this should be the guiding principle for your decisions - is it FUN.Before we completely bemoan the classic “Dinner and a Movie”, let’s at least see why it is effective, if not completely ordinary:1) It has TWO different activites;2) It has TWO different venues.As principles, these are very good and useful. If you are dead-set on this, at least take her to a cool restaurant, and an interesting flick (for New Yorkers, we are about to have the Tribeca Film Festival - so, that would be far more interesting than taking her to the $2 cinema to watch “Old School” for the fiftieth time).In case you are counting, we now have three guiding principles in formulating a date:1) It must be FUN;2) It must involve more than one activity;3) It must happen in more than one venue.OK, so after all of that - here is a favorite, inexpensive, FUN, date idea:A few years ago, I met a younger girl in Los Angeles. I was out at dinner with some friends, and noticed that she and her friend were glancing our way from a few tables down. So, I drew up a hangman game on a napkin and sent it over. I think the final answer was “I Like Puppy Dogs” or something like that - funny and cute (yes, this is a fun way to meet women in restaurants…). Once she got the right answer, she sent it back with her cellphone number on it.I called her the next day (yes, always call the next day - the two/three day rule is no longer ‘cool’), and we arranged for our date. I knew that I needed to chat with her for a bit, so that we

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could at least get to know each other some - because at this point, all we knew was that we were both fun and attracted to each other…but there were no commonalities, and no comfort - which is really important if you want to convince someone to carve out an evening from their schedule for you).After about 10 minutes, I suggested we get together and she agreed. We met at an arcade off of Hollywood Blvd. Now, it might seem childish to meet at an arcade for a first date - but we both had fun attitudes about it, and I think she got a kick out of seeing me try to play video games (I am BAD at video games BTW, but skill level doesn’t matter - it’s about having FUN).When we entered the arcade, I decided to raise the stakes a bit. I purchased about $5 worth of tokens, and told her that we would play as many games as we could, but that the overall loser would have to buy dessert (incidentally, I try to avoid dinner on a first date - because if there is no chemistry, I don’t want to be stuck at a restaurant with someone for two hours, nor do I want to pay for the time - a first date is a time to get to know each other, and a second date is a time to go deeper, over dinner). So, we played a bunch of different games, and I was the eventual loser.The important thing here is that we had FUN, and there were no awkward moments as there usually are on a first date - we had instant conversation fodder, the activity we were sharing.Then, I took her to a favorite dessert spot in West Hollywood where we had coffee and cake. After sharing a fun hour or so with each other, moving into a more real conversation was easy because the ice had been broken long ago.What makes this so effective is that it is comfortable for her and for me. Women are also reluctant often to go for a dinner date (unless they are more familiar with the guy) because they too don’t want the discomfort of being stuck at a dinner table with someone they don’t really know.By having the first section of our date together be with an activity helps us both to relax, and open up. Then, we sit down and share some conversation - which is much easier now.Oh, and in case you were wondering, if you ask the girl out, you PAY for everything, got it? As you get to know each other more, the pay-burden can be shared, but on a first date, the guy always pays…So, to sum-up:1) FUN - try to plan an activity at the beginning of the date which will automatically break the ice, and help you both relax. Galleries are great places to go, for example.2) More than one activity - two things “to-do” at least. Dinner and a movie are two different activities. I like to be more creative and inventive. Step out of the box and show her that you see the world differently than the average chum…being adventurous is attractive.3) More than one venue - By going to different places, not only do you both relax, but you also get to see more than just one side of someone. Environments help people socialize around different topics. Change environments at least once on a date. Also, by having to MOVE from one to the other helps people to relax too as their bodies are now engaged. May seem like a small detail, but in my experience, this can be very helpful to both of you.Enjoy!

GOING FOR THE KISS

Here we go – the step-by-step guide to being super smooth when it’s time to smooch:

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In my estimation, this is where most guys blow it. They know the girl is ready to be kissed, yet they freeze up and pass a bunch of good opportunities to make a move, waiting for that perfect one. Even worse, they’ll wait hoping the woman will make the first move.

If you’re the kind of guy who hesitates, I got news for you… There are no perfect windows of opportunity, just many good ones, and 99% of the time she will not be the first to initiate any form of intimacy. If she does, consider yourself lucky.

How do we handle this slightly awkward situation? Very simply. The key here is spotting these good, small windows of opportunity and then taking advantage of them. Still better is to just create these windows yourself. I have covered a lot more steps in my e-book “How To Get A Girlfriend” but for now I have just illustrated a basic technique.

Let’s cover this point-by-point:

1) The first thing to make sure of is that you’re both having a good time, getting along well and physical contact has been established. It could be anything from holding hands, to a playful push on the shoulder. At this point it is important that she has touched you in some way indicating interest on her part.

2) When you feel you have reached this point, start slowing down the energy of the interaction. Start subtly moving a bit closer to her, slowing down your speech, and take longer pauses between sentences. The thought here is SUBTLE.

3) Now here’s the secret, the one move that will assure you to be remembered by her as the smoothest guy ever… During each of those pauses in your conversation, stare at her lips. You can even start talking again, though slowly, still staring at her lips. Start slowly moving in closer. The words you’re saying at this point become irrelevant; the sexual tension in the air will be too thick.

4) Slowly move your eyes from her mouth to her eyes and back again. If she has not moved away, or shown any sign of unease, you can place a hand on her hip and bring her in closer.

5) Usually she will lean in the rest of the way and kiss you. After all, at this stage, your lips should only be an inch or two away from hers.

Congratulations! In her mind, you are the world’s smoothest man.

What is Identity Building, and Why “The Game” is Flawed

I had a recent email from an NYC guy named AJ with an interesting question about identity building.

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There is a lot of talk and writing about identity in the pick-up community, most of which is based in “the game” mentality. I discuss what I learned from that former life in my ebook “How To Get A Girlfriend”, while mixing in a ton of healthy, HELPFUL advice…tested in the real world and everything…

Since I am no longer at all interested in anything based in games, I thought it might be helpful to write a bit about what identity means from the standpoint of a guy seeking a girlfriend, and a healthy social life.

If you look up the word “identity” in the dictionary, it will tell you this:1 a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances;2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual

“Sameness” and “Distinguishing” are the critical words here. What is constant about you? When you relate to others, what is it that you notice about them that distinguishes them from others? What might someone say about you? Feel free to ask people, if you want.

Typically, a person has a chief feature which somehow defines them to others. It might be that they are generous, open, or happy. Or, it could mean that they are suspicious, thrifty and negative. This little exercise is useful, but not really what we are looking for here.

What is more useful to men looking to improve their relationships with women, is to both understand themselves internally and then how that manifests externally (which is the entire point of my company, CEIC). Dare I say, the entire point of “the game” is to refuse what is internal and attempt in every way possible to create an entirely new “identity” to manifest externally.

This leads to the ongoing pattern of guys seeming “incongruent”. They seem incongruent because they ARE incongruent.

Here’s the rub though, when a guy tries through whatever measure to become congruent with this new identity, material, routine, clothing etc., he denies his true nature, his true identity.

Most guys in the community have a VERY apparent strangeness to them - no one I have met - well, save a very few (Mike, my former partner, was one of them, “26”, who worked with us at Project Hollywood, another), are cool, laid-back guys with a real life, and a real sense of their identity. The others have filled their brain with behaviors, thought patterns, and enforced circuitry which is very unhealthy, and ironically, furthers them from their goal. It INCREASES the real space between them and themselves, exacerbating the issue of being incongruent. What happens then? Well, the only women who would be attracted to such a confused and childish specimen would be someone equally confused and lost. You attract AT your level. Let this be a warning against pick-up, or at least most offerings of pick-up: that you can only develop yourself by becoming and evolving as yourself in the end, you will fool NO ONE by playing in

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the land of make believe. If you want better relationships, and higher-quality women/people in your life, you have to develop yourself first.Also, an identity is NEVER built - it is something that we discover along the path of leading a healthy lifestyle. Identity, in the CEIC lexicon, is the same as “self-image”. The only time a man needs to build his identity is when he refuses to discover and develop the one given to him. This arrogance makes the host pay dearly down the road - this is your second warning.

So, how then do we develop our identities in a healthy way, which can naturally attract like-minded people into our lives?

#1) Refuse, right now, to ever play games with women or people again. No more gimmicks, no more routines, no more FRs, LRs, DHVs etc. C’mon guys - are you still playing this BS?

#2) What do you WANT out of life? What do you feel is your purpose for being here?It certainly isn’t to manipulate and lie, I can assure you. If you were to die today, what would be the deepest source of sorrow for you? If you can sincerely face this question, you have a chance of really growing-up. The key to knowing and feeling your identity, is in first knowing and feeling your purpose. You might not know the true meaning of your life, but you might at least be curious enough NOW to begin to strive to understand that.

#3) Based on knowing your real purpose, how then should you spend your time? If you could architect your calendar, what would it look like? One thing that can directly help improving my self image, is to spend time with people whom I feel happy to be with, and in doing things that fill me with passion and joy. Taking action in the direction on REAL self-development and life-enhancement is the best way to improve self-esteem.

#4) Speaking of who you spend your time with - how active is your social circle? How often do you need social interaction? Most of us need a balance of being alone, and being with people. Do you have this balance? Also, how often do you venture out with them and try new things? New restaurants, events, galleries, movies, parties - there is certainly a lot more than meets the eye happening in your neck of the woods, are you actively exploring this? Try doing one new thing/restaurant/venue per month with your friends.

#5) With intelligence, can you grow this social circle? Can you involve more people who share like-minded interests and perspectives? This is where social skills actually come in handy so that you can present yourself in a socially intelligent way to people, not in a socially manipulative way - BIG difference. By meeting new people, and by encouraging your friends to bring along new people, you very naturally are able then to meet new people. If you do interesting and cool activities, these people will be even more interested in being involved.

What happens if you can master these five points is that you really begin to grow and build self-esteem by honoring your true nature. There is nothing that can be gained by denying your true nature. Also, you begin to magnetize like-minded people to you, including WOMEN.

The best way to meet women for relationships is to attract them to you by living autonomously and honestly. If your lifestyle is actively social you will have NO problem meeting women AND

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they will have things in common with you. Also, women (and men) tend to want to meet someone for a relationship in a safe and healthy way. The healthy women don’t WANT to meet anyone via a cold approach, they want it to happen as it happens normally - through the process of living and socializing.

So, in short, there really is no “identity building” in real life (there might be in the “Donky-Kong” game lifestyle). What there is is identity discovery and development, but from the inside-out not from the ego-in. This is the only way to experience real self-esteem development, and therefore real, healthy relationships with people in general, and with women in specific.

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