Successfully Dealing with Difficult Peopleperformanceandculture.com/wp-content/uploads/... · Your experience of dealing with difficult people 7 First things First – You always

The Three Steps in Successfully Dealing with Difficult People

© The Communication Training Company 2008

Presented by

Juliet Fraser- Ellis

Performance and Culture

[email protected] Tel: +44 (0)1993 850183

The Three Steps in Successfully Dealing with Difficult People ©Performance and Culture 2008

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Contents page How is this report going to help you? 5

Who is Julie Ellis and why should you listen to what she has to say? 6

Your experience of dealing with difficult people 7

First things First – You always make an impression 9

Being deliberate about having a positive impact 9

We all struggle with difficult people 9

The Three steps in successfully dealing with difficult people 10

Step One – be aware of your state (your thoughts and feelings) 10

An important place to start is to ask the question

“why are people difficult?” 11

So, if we each think the other is difficult, what’s going on? 12

Difficult people are not difficult at all but it is your judgement of them 13

Not convinced? Let’s look at this further 13

Traditionally, we don’t like to talk about emotions

in the corporate world 13

Your negative emotions can drive your behaviour – negatively 14

So how do you know you are going outside your comfort zone? 14

But these negative emotions and barriers are so uncomfortable 15

These barriers feel so bad – why wouldn’t we always want to avoid them? 16

I’ll remind you why I am going into so much detail about this –

yes, I am still talking about Step One! 17

What does hitting a barrier look like? 17

To recap: The process we go through when we hit a barrier 18

How can I get through these barriers? They feel so real! 18

What is Observe Mode and how does switching into it help

me to get through my barriers? 19

We have a hand in creating the difficult people in our lives 20


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Remember a time when you had the courage to face a difficult

conversation 21

We always have a choice 22

Let’s sum up Step One 23

Step Two – be aware of their state (their thoughts and feelings) 24

We send and receive hidden messages 24

If you want to communicate effectively you may need to

make some adjustments 25

What does the other person do when they’re in a negative state? 26

If they look closed, are they? 26

Let’s sum up Step Two 27

Step Three – adapt your communication style 28

Have you got time to prepare? 28

Or have you been hijacked? Let’s talk about this first 28

Think about how you want to deal with being hijacked 29

What impact do you want to have? 29

What outcome do you want to achieve? 29

Let’s think about it some more 30

What to do when you’ve been hijacked 31

If you have time to prepare 32

Become aware of your communication style when you

feel uncomfortable 33

How can you set yourself up to win? 33

How can you set yourself up to win with your communication style? 34

The Magic Wand in your communication toolbox 38

Let’s look at acknowledgement more closely 41

When you are in co-operation, acknowledgement is still important 43

Let’s review 44

Completion 45


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Copyright

Feel free to distribute this e-book to others.

Copyright © Juliet Fraser-Ellis, Performance and Culture. All Rights Reserved.

This e-book may not be reprinted or distributed in any format without express written

permission.

[email protected]

DISCLAIMER

All attempts have been made to verify information provided in this publication.

The Author assumes no responsibility for inaccuracies or omissions.

mailto:[email protected]


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HOW IS THIS REPORT GOING TO HELP YOU?

Have you ever had to deal with difficult people?

This report is for anyone who will ever have to deal with difficult people. Of course,

this includes everyone at some time or another. However, if you:

Are in a position at work where there is pressure and stress

Have customers who have queries or are not fully satisfied

Are a manager or team leader and you have to motivate your team under

stressful circumstances

Are selling in some capacity

Need to persuade

Need to give constructive feedback

Need to increase co-operation

then you can particularly benefit from reading this report.

By the end of the report you will be able to use the three steps I’m going to tell you

about to create co-operation very quickly when you are faced with a difficult person.

You will be able to turn a negative situation around and create a positive outcome. If

you use these steps you will shorten meeting times (some of my clients have halved

their meeting times) and if your productivity relies on communicating effectively with

others, then you will get much more done.

Imagine having an extra half-day per week without staying late. If you use the steps

in this report you will become more effective every time you communicate.

You won’t waste time putting off ‘that’ difficult conversation. The cloud of concern

which hangs over having to deal with a difficult person will lift and you’ll feel better

more quickly.


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Up until now, the information you are about to go through has been closely held as

material in my training manuals only available for my tailored corporate clients.

Typically the first workshop of a programme costs a minimum of £5,000.00.

There’s a very big idea inside this report and many people have transformed the

quality of their lives and their relationships once they have grasped the contents

you’re about to receive right here for free.

Who is Juliet Fraser-Ellis and why should you listen to what she has to say?

In a nutshell I have been using these tips and techniques for over 30 years to be

effective and get results quickly. I started life in telephone sales and to get the

demanding results that were expected, I needed these skills to increase my ability to

persuade and overcome objections. I’ve used these skills throughout my career in

face-to-face sales and as a Sales Director creating top level relationships with clients

and managing my team members. I have used these skills to improve the results I

got in the training room as a trainer and to support my clients to improve their

performance and change their culture. I’ve used them to unlock some tough

relationship issues from Board level right through organisations. In running my

consultancy company and as an Executive Coach and trainer these skills are

continuing to be a godsend. You will recognise some of the organisations I have

worked with: First Direct, Next plc, British Midland Airways, Coca-Cola, BUPA.

Time and time again I have seen my clients at all levels in organisations use these

techniques to achieve goals ahead of deadlines, to transform complaining customers

into advocates, to create co-operation and teamwork, to reduce debtor days, to bust

through sales targets and quickly gain commitment internally to new ideas. Some of

them have been astounded at the immediate, positive turnaround of seemingly stuck

situations between themselves and other people and between team members when

they have put these techniques into action. Needless to say, these skills have been

invaluable both in work and in my private life.

Over the years I have come across hundreds of people who struggle with dealing

with difficult people and I wanted to create flexible training and packaged materials to


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be easily available to them. So, about 18 months ago I reduced my bespoke training

and consultancy commitments to concentrate on creating seminars and coaching

programmes for individuals across different peer levels, sizes of business from solo

professionals to Blue Chips and across different industry sectors. The material you

are reading now houses the knowledge and experience I’ve built up over my career

in helping people to become more powerful and effective as communicators.

Your experience of dealing with difficult people

Have you ever had the experience of talking at cross-purposes and being confused,

or going round the houses because you found it a bit daunting to just ‘say it how it is’,

or being frustrated while you listened to someone else not getting to the point as

quickly as they could?

Have you ever not got the answer to your question because you couldn’t keep the

other person focussed, or not found yourself able to give the short answer and

needing to give the long one because you felt uncomfortable? Have you ever felt

dissatisfied because you did not fully give the whole picture in a conversation for fear

of upsetting someone? Have you ever thought that someone else is not giving you

the full picture because they are afraid of upsetting you? Do you get stuck and

frustrated when people ‘dig their heels in’?

Is there someone you know who keeps not hearing you right or you have to walk on

eggshells around?

Have you ever delivered bad news and made it worse because you want to minimise

the negative impact? Have you ever tried to disagree and caused offence?

Have you ever put off a conversation because you think it will be uncomfortable and

have you ever come away from a conversation not saying the thing you wanted to?

I understand what it’s like when you are faced with relating closely and consistently

with a difficult person. It can be a miserable and frustrating experience.


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Communicating ineffectively takes up so much time.

My intention in this report is to give you the understanding and tips you need to help

you deal with these and other difficult and uncomfortable situations.

Obviously this doesn’t constitute a training session, but if you put these tips into

action there is enough here to get you started. I promise that if you follow the advice

in this report, you will see an immediate difference in the way people respond to you

in difficult situations.

I am going to go through the principles of how to deal with difficult people so that you

can put them into practice in any situation you encounter. A lot of the time I will be

talking about negative situations, negative thoughts and negative feelings. This isn’t

because I’m a negative person who doesn’t like to look on the bright side. It is

because, by the very nature of viewing someone as a difficult person in our lives, we

hit negative experiences – so I need to talk about it and explain it so that I can show

you how to overcome it.

The other thing I’m going to do is to say the same thing several times in different

ways. This is deliberate and it is my way of delivering this information to enable you

to digest it, see the points I’m making and hear the ideas enough times so that you

are able to put the techniques into action.

Being able to communicate effectively is a matter of learning the principles and then

practicing these principles until they become habitual.

Can you recall how you learnt how to drive a car or ride a bike or swim. You learnt

the theory and then put in a lot of practice until it became second nature. If we take

driving as the example, you then became able to drive anywhere and able to cope

with all the challenges of being on the road – any road, anywhere. Similarly, with

effective communication skills, once you learn the principles and practice them you

will be able to cope with all the everyday challenges of communicating successfully.


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I will go through the principles and give you advice and tips. You’ll get the value

from this report when you give it a go and practice.

FIRST THINGS FIRST – YOU ALWAYS MAKE AN IMPRESSION

The way you communicate now and the impression or impact you have is the sum of

all the decisions you have made about how you’d like to be seen. In other words, as

you have grown up, you have watched various people in your life dealing with

different situations in different ways. You have copied the best of what you have

seen and then incorporated this behaviour into the way you do things. Now this

behaviour is so automatic you don’t even think about it.

Being deliberate about having a positive impact

You can be blissfully unaware of how you come across. However, if you want to be

deliberate about having a positive impact – especially when you are facing difficult

people and situations, then you must get honest feedback. This is because any

mannerisms you have which inadvertently winds people up will get in your way when

you are trying to get what you want in your life. As soon as you know what these

mannerisms are, and know what you need to do to minimise any negative impact,

you can start practicing the new behaviour – and immediately see the results in the

way people respond to you.

WE ALL STRUGGLE WITH DIFFIUCLT PEOPLE

A lot of people struggle with dealing with difficult people. Difficult people are not

going to go away and most people don’t have to look very far to find one. However,

we never really stop to think or learn about how to deal successfully with these

challenges. Reading through this report and spending time answering the questions

can give you the time to step out of your busy life for a few minutes to consider how

you are going to deal with difficult people in the future and learn some tips to help

you.


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THE THREE STEPS IN SUCCESSFULLY DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

When you look at the subject of dealing successfully with difficult people there are

three major steps to take:

Step One: Be aware of your state (your thoughts and feelings)

Step Two: Be aware of their state (their thoughts and feelings)

Step Three: Adapt your communication style in order to create co-operation

In this report I will take you through these steps, one at a time.

STEP ONE – BE AWARE OF YOUR STATE (YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS)

Why is this important? When you are aware of your state (your thoughts and

feelings) you are in command of your responses and your communication style. In

other words, being self aware is paramount when you want to deal successfully with

a difficult person. I will explain this over the next few pages.

You will certainly want to be sure that you are not putting blocks in your way when

you’re trying to successfully deal with a difficult person. It’s bad enough as it is

without you being your own worst enemy. You will want to know that the way you

are communicating gives you the best chance you have of getting a positive

outcome.

If you are aware of your state you will have the clarity of mind you need to get that

positive outcome.


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An important place to start is to ask the question “why are people difficult?”

Here is a list which describes some of the reasons that make people difficult. This is

my list and you will have one too. Between us we could make a list as long as our

arm.

People never think they are being difficult. They are just being themselves,

responding in the way that they do, to a certain stimulus. Many years ago I had a

boss who was very fast and speedy. She spoke quickly and she moved quickly, she

had lots of ideas which tumbled out of her at the rate of knots. I was rather slow

compared to her and tried to ponder each idea which came my way. I was trying my

best to participate and contribute. She didn’t stop to check that I could understand

any of her ideas. Imagine how I felt. I thought she was difficult to deal with, she was

impatient and didn’t listen. She didn’t pay any attention to how I was feeling or to

what I thought so it seemed as if she thought my ideas weren’t worth listening to. As

time went on I felt like withdrawing my efforts as I didn’t ‘see the point’.

Of course to her I must, also, have been a difficult person. She must have been

irritated that I was slow. To her I may have even seemed not as interested or not

having the same approach or motivation for the project that she felt she had. At the

time I thought it was worth doing something about it. I didn’t have the courage to talk


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to her about how I felt and I had learnt a little about creating rapport (we’ll talk about

this later), so I tried adapting my normal communication style. I couldn’t believe the

difference it made. She even slowed down a little and she seemed less irritated and

started to make eye contact with me. She even asked what I thought about her

points of view.

That good result was achieved by adapting my communication style just a tiny bit

and I was amazed at the result. To some of my clients it’s meant the difference

between getting:

a “yes” and getting a “no”

a sale or not

success or failure at a critical point in a conversation

a positive or negative result during a negotiation

a motivated or resentful team member

So, if we each think the other is difficult, what’s going on?

What makes them difficult?

A negative thought has triggered our emotions, we are immediately under

pressure or stress and we feel negative –usually towards the other person

© Performance and Culture 2008

If someone accused you of being difficult you would probably get rather defensive

about it and quickly say that you are only trying to understand or that you are only

trying to get your point across or that you only want to be listened to or that it’s just

that you don’t agree. None of that has anything at all to do with being difficult . . . .

to you. It does, however, feel very difficult to the other person,


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Difficult people are not difficult at all . . . but it is your judgement of them

So, difficult people are not necessarily difficult. It is the way we view them and the

way we feel when we are around them that makes us think they are difficult.

Not convinced? Let’s look at this further

Let’s look at some other words we could use instead of ‘difficult’. There’s:

hard to get through to

tricky to deal with

complicated and not easy to understand

tough negotiator

demanding and intimidating

testing and challenging

problematical with lots of issues.

Think about these, they all describe a challenge of sorts. When you are challenged

you will be facing the discomfort of going outside your comfort zone.

Traditionally, we don’t like to talk about emotions in the corporate world

Dealing with difficult people can be uncomfortable and we don’t really like to talk

about emotions – especially in the corporate world. The truth is, negative emotions

hang about (in our bodies and in our minds) and negatively influence our

communication style making us less effective than we could be. That’s why we need

to be aware of our state (our thoughts and feelings) so that we can purposefully

communicate effectively when we know we are more likely to have difficulty.


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Your negative emotions can drive your behaviour – negatively

Your negative emotions can drive your behaviour – especially when you’re outside

your comfort zone. You can stop thinking logically and get those knee jerk reactions

which are not always the most creative and positive. Honestly, when was the last

time you didn’t agree with someone or felt put out by someone and your reaction

(even unspoken and just in your mind) was, shall we say, less than positive? If you

follow this route, it can lead to days of to-ing and fro-ing, point proving and justifying

until the job finally gets sorted out.

So how do you know you are going outside your comfort zone?

Going outside your Comfort Zone

Pride – why should I?Anger – ........!

Fear – I can’t, I’m not up to itUpset – it’s not fair

Apathy – I can’t be bothered


Comfort Zone Barrier Breakthrough

DownwardUpward

Feel great, feel confident,

get what you want and ‘up’ for more

challenges

When you feel uncomfortable you have negative thoughts and negative feelings.

These thoughts can broadly fall into

Why should I? I don’t see why I should . . .

I’m furious about . . .

I can’t . . . I’m not able to . . . I’m not up to it, what if I fail?

It’s not fair, it’s happening to me again, I’m unhappy about . . . why me?

I can’t be bothered, I’ve tried and it hasn’t worked, why bother?

I despair! I give up . . . there’s no point.


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These are all negative thoughts which trigger a negative emotion. We’ll call these

experiences ‘barriers’ because they can stop you from achieving a successful

outcome with a difficult person. In fact they can stop you from achieving everything

you want in your life, but that’s a whole other conversation for another time and

place! Know that you never need to let them get the better of you and you can

achieve anything you want to.

But these negative emotions and barriers are so uncomfortable

Accompanying these barriers are negative thoughts and emotions and the physical

feelings in your body – which for the most part none of us like, so we want to avoid

them. Some of them are:

Heart beating faster (you’ll be able to feel it)

Dry mouth

Sweaty palms

Butterflies (or the tummy turning over or feeling sick - especially if it’s really

bad)

Wobbly knees

Wanting to run to the loo

Forgetting what you want to say

Tunnel vision (you can only see what’s in front of you)

Impaired hearing

Lots of loud internal negative chatter (thoughts) such as “it’s all going to go

wrong” or “I’m going to look stupid” or “it won’t work “ and others like these.

Also chatter of the justifying kind such as why you have taken the route you

have and why you are right and the other person’s ideas are wrong

Basically they are the physical reactions of a fight or flight experience. Even though

you are not cave men or women any more, when you are under pressure you still

feel these uncomfortable feelings. Unfortunately, for the most part, you have been

brought up to think that it is bad to have these feelings and it is not OK to feel fear,

get angry and have all the feelings that are very natural to every human being.


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These barriers feel so bad – why wouldn’t we always want to avoid them?

We could spend a lot of time on this subject and it is worth seeking out more

understanding if you want to get really good at getting what you want in and out of

work. For now, what will be helpful to you is to know that:

It is completely natural to feel negative emotions

They are not wrong or weak

You feel them every day

You feel them mostly when you are going outside of your comfort zone

You go outside of your comfort zone when you face a challenge

You face a challenge when you are:

o Trying to do something you have never done before

o Trying to do something that you find difficult

o Extending yourself

If you try to think of the times you felt proud of yourself you probably had to go

through some uncomfortable barriers.

So, when you are expanding your abilities and growing as a human being, you will

hit barriers. Basically, they are an occupational hazard to you becoming successful.

They are to be welcomed and an indication that you are achieving your objectives

and getting what you want. So the next time you hit a barrier think:

“Great, I’m feeling uncomfortable. That must mean that I’m extending myself and

growing and getting better at what I’m doing!”

That might sound a bit cheesy and I know it’s hard, isn’t it, to feel this way when you

are so uncomfortable? Because it’s so widely accepted to think that these feelings

are bad, we don’t want to accept them so we don’t own them and would rather

believe that we are the victim of ‘difficult’ people.


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I’ll remind you why I am going into so much detail about this – yes, I am still

talking about Step One!

The reason all this talk about barriers, negative thoughts and not very nice feelings is

so important is because when you hit a negative emotion it can negatively influence

your communication style. Remember, dealing with difficult people is difficult enough

in itself without you undermining your own efforts with a communication style which

could make matters worse. Later I’ll go through what you can do about this.

It is important, though, in this step to understand that your communication style can

be negatively affected when you feel negative and that you are able to admit to

yourself that you feel negative emotions when you try to deal with difficult people.

If you don’t take that idea on board and you think your style is always fine whatever

you feel, and you’re not open to considering that at times you may need to be more

flexible in the way you communicate, then you won’t be open to adapting it. If you

are not open to adapting your communication style then you won’t necessarily give

yourself the best chance of turning a difficult situation around.

What does hitting a barrier look like?

Just suppose you have to have a difficult conversation and you promise yourself that

you are going to have that conversation today. So up you get form your desk and en

route . . . . . . (you start to feel uncomfortable/hit a barrier) . . . . . and you decide to

put the conversation off because you have ‘that report’ to do or ‘that phone call’ to

make.

We’ve all done it and we all know this is an excuse and we are simply avoiding the

situation. However, we often hear ourselves justifying our decision, saying ‘it’s not

my fault, I needed to do the report!’. If you avoid for very long you feel worse and

you’ll drop into a downward spiral – then your internal chatter becomes very loud as

you have to further justify your decision to put it off so you start blaming your

circumstances and the people around you. Then you can fully believe that you are

right and that their ideas are wrong and it will take even longer to get back through


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that barrier. With this attitude, you will tend to approach a conversation in fight or

flight mode, so your communication style will be anything between weak and passive

to aggressive. Neither of these styles (or variation on these styles) will get the result

you want and you’ll end up winding up the other person even more and getting even

more frustrated yourself.

The outcome is huge amounts of wasted time and very ineffective communication -

not to mention the damage you are doing to every cell in your body from the stress

you are causing yourself.

To recap: The process we go through when we hit a barrier

If you don’t like feeling uncomfortable you will put off the thing that is making you feel

uncomfortable. Then you stay in your comfort zone. Then you have to justify why

you are staying inside your comfort zone. This justification comes in the form of very

loud chatter inside your head about the situation you think you are being confronted

with. Any negative emotion you have grabs your attention and you start to think a lot

of things that are not necessarily true. This is when you can create dramas where

no dramas exist. You create imagined attitudes about the other person or people.

Then you believe them. Then your behaviour is dictated by those thoughts, beliefs

and feelings and you get yourself into a very time consuming and distressing mess.

How can I get through these barriers? They feel so real!

You and only you can go through your barriers. There are different things you can

do to help you get through these barriers. Some of the most important are to

remember your goal, recommit and raise your energy. Don’t put off facing the

challenge. Get a friend to support you and be prepared to adapt your

communication style.

You have to be prepared to accept and experience your feelings. They won’t

miraculously disappear just because you’ve decided to go for it. To help you,

remember the benefits to you of having the difficult conversation. Remember what

you want to get out of it and how you want the relationship to be. Spend some time


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imagining yourself in the position of having transformed the situation – what will it

feel like, what will it look like and what sort of things will you be hearing? Create a

positive feeling about having that outcome.

If you have ideas that are pulling in different directions they’ll keep you stuck - such

as:

You want to transform a difficult relationship

BUT

It will feel incredibly uncomfortable and you don’t want to feel bad/if you

communicate it will make things worse/they won’t like you for saying what’s on

your mind

These negative beliefs need to be transformed. Ask yourself these questions:

Do you know for sure how the other person is going to respond?

Are you absolutely certain that the other person will respond in the way you

think they will?

Do you think the other person wants a positive relationship with you?

Answering these questions will help you to align your thoughts and minimise the

“yes, but’s” which pull you away from your objective.

The next step is to decide how you are going to communicate. I will go into this later

in this report.

What is Observe Mode and how does switching into it help me to get through

my barriers?

The trick is to be able to observe yourself when you get into this state. We’ll call this

switching into Observe Mode. If you listen to yourself think and you watch yourself

communicate to others you are well on the way to behaving in the most intelligent

way you can when you are hitting a barrier.


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When you switch into Observe Mode, you distance yourself from that chatter that

goes on when you hit a barrier. Then you simply listen to the chatter rather than

believing it to be true. You also distance yourself from your negative emotions and

those uncomfortable feelings. You are still thinking and feeling those negative

thoughts but, now, you are much more able to say to yourself “that’s interesting that I

think . . . . and feel . . . . . about that person”, instead of “he’s . . . . and she’s . . . .

and if they think I’m going to . . . . then they’ve got another think coming!”, or words

to that effect. You’ll have your own version.

I hope you can see that you can switch into Observe Mode just by listening to your

thoughts and watching your feelings. Begin to practice this vital skill of switching into

Observe Mode as often as you can. This helps you to manage your state (your state

being what you are thinking and how you are feeling at any given time) and is so

necessary when you are dealing with a, quote, difficult person.

We have a hand in creating the difficult people in our lives

From our discussion so far, I hope that by now, you can see that we all have a hand

in creating the difficult people in our lives. Depending on your background and how

much exposure you have had to information of this kind, you might be thinking

“. . . this isn’t news to me”. Even if we know this to be true, it is still easy to go into

knee jerk reactions when we hit negative emotions. It is a lifelong practice to be able

to manage our state with complete composure.

So, it is how you think about the other person and how you feel about them that can

make them more difficult than they are. As soon as you meet a person around

whom you are thrown outside of your comfort zone, you immediately hit a barrier

which feels uncomfortable and then you think they’ve done it to you. In fact, their

presence has facilitated the triggering of your negative thoughts and emotions.

Ten different people would have ten different reactions to the same person. When

you take ownership for your own reactions, you are in the best place to quickly and

creatively achieve success. Your reaction and how you deal with it is the real route

to you increasing your skill. Let’s face it, it’s the only thing you have control over and


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can do anything about, so the quicker you can concentrate on that instead of

blaming someone else for making you feel bad, the quicker you’ll get more of what

you want.

Remember a time when you had the courage to face a difficult conversation

You can remember times when you got up the courage to have a difficult

conversation. However inelegant or awkward your communication was at the time,

you probably felt great afterwards. Remember, these barriers are simply an

occupational hazard to becoming successful. Once you have gone through a barrier

you feel confident and you feel great.

So remember, if you feel nervous, it doesn’t actually mean that you can’t do it – even

if your negative chatter is telling you that you can’t. Don’t believe it. The point here

is to remember that you want to be successful, remember your goal and where you

want to get to. The downside is that to achieve your outcome you will have to go

outside of your comfort zone. At these times increase your energy because all

those negative thoughts and feelings suck your energy. You need to decide that you

will do it anyway and accept that you may feel negative at the same time.


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We always have a choice

Our choice

• If you didn’t react in a negative way then the situation or person would not be ‘difficult’ anymore

• You always have a choice about how you are going to behave – each and every second


So we’ve seen that it’s not the situation itself or the difficult person in front of you, it’s

how you deal with them that will take you into the downward spiral or propel you into

the upward spiral. It’s always your choice.

“But”, I hear you say, “I can’t help how I feel! So, therefore, I don’t have a choice”. I

know it certainly feels like it. Your thoughts trigger your emotional reactions. What

you do have, is a choice about how you respond when you have these emotional

reactions. This is such an important point when you are trying to deal effectively with

difficult situations. Each and every second you have a choice. If you take ownership

for the thoughts and emotions you are having you immediately put yourself in the

driving seat and you are able to have intelligent responses to the other person.

Try to see all situations in two parts – the practical, physical aspects and your

emotional reaction to it. Separating them out can help you deal with it much more

successfully. What they are saying and what you choose to feel about what they are

saying are two different things. What they say belongs to them and how you choose

to feel belongs to you.


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Let’s sum up STEP ONE

STEP ONE - Be aware of your own state

• Listen to your internal chatter – you can create dramas where there are no dramas

• Switch into Observe Mode - observe yourself in action and in relationship with others

• Practice when you are feeling comfortable so that you get good at it


We need to observe ourselves in action and in relation to other people. You can do

this right now. Imagine you observing you in relation to the other people around you.

In this mode you can watch your emotional reactions and listen to your internal

chatter. If you don’t, you’re in the feeling and being driven by it. When you are in the

feeling and believing your internal chatter all of you attention is on yourself, you go

into a knee jerk reaction and straight into the downward spiral.

Practice observing yourself when you are comfortable and when you are inside your

comfort zone – at lunch, chatting to friends and so on, so that you get good at it for

when you need it. When you’re in a difficult situation your internal chatter will get

very loud and if you haven’t practiced it you won’t easily be able to switch into

Observe Mode when you need to.


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STEP TWO – BE AWARE OF THEIR STATE (THEIR THOUGHTS AND

FEELINGS)

STEP TWO - Be aware of THEIR state

• They will be in one too – you can make an educated guess as to what they are feeling

• How? Look and listen for the hidden messages

• If they are in a negative emotional state then the chatter in their heads related to this state will be very loud indeed


If you are dealing with a difficult person you can bet they’ll be in a negative emotional

state as well. You can take an educated guess about how they might be feeling.

This will give you information that you can use to create co-operation.

We send and receive hidden messages

Our ability to pick up hidden messages from other people is very acute. Although

you are largely unaware of it, most of the time, when you are talking to someone you

are looking for signs to see if they are agreeing with you or like what you say. Or

you look for signs to show you that you are in control or have more (or less) power.

People send hidden messages all the time via their tone of voice, facial gestures and

body postures. You walk into a room and you send a message before you have

even started speaking. Practice looking out for other people’s mannerisms which

send hidden messages – in other words they are sending hidden messages via their

facial gestures, tone of voice and body posture that are different to the words they

say.


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For example, you’ve probably heard someone say “yes” when you know they mean

“no”. The overt message is the “yes” and we call the “no” as the hidden, covert

message because it is sent via a tone or facial gesture. Actually the hidden, covert

message has a greater impact than the overt message and this is where you can get

yourself into deep water if you don’t know what your impact is like. But now we are

getting into more detail on the wider subject of how to have a positive impact, so I’ll

get back to the purpose of this report.

For the purpose of this conversation, if you are listening to and watching yourself in

action, you will get good at noticing the hidden messages you might be sending.

Notice people’s reactions to what you say. If they react in an unexpected way, then

you may have inadvertently sent a hidden message. In other words you may have

sent a message via your tone of voice, facial gestures or body posture which is

different and counter to the message you are sending through the words you use.

This always causes confusion for the other person and they will often react

negatively. It is not what you say, it is the way that you say it that delivers the

loudest message, so start increasing your awareness by listening carefully.

Remember, listening is the last thing you’ll want to do when you are trying to turn

around an already difficult situation.

When you are hitting a barrier you are more likely to send these hidden messages!

If you want to communicate effectively you may need to make some

adjustments

If your voice is high or breathy you won’t sound powerful. If your face is always on

one side you could look questioning and if you have your head up you’ll have to look

down your nose. If your eyebrows are up you could look disdainful or disapproving.

These gestures send a message and other people won’t be able to help but react

negatively to them. People will either withdraw or they’ll want to be antagonistic

(remember the fight or flight syndrome we spoke about earlier?). Have a good look

at the photographs in this report and see if you can make an educated guess at the

hidden messages they are sending. In a negative situation or indeed any situation

where you want to get what you want, the last thing you should be doing is anything


26

that might wind the other person up. You have to adjust the way you communicate

in order to get the results you want. On this basis you need to know what to change

about the way you come across to give the best impression and have the most

positive impact. To get you started, I will give you some tips (later in the report)

which will minimise any negative mannerisms you have.

What does the other person do when they’re in a negative state?

The answer to this is pretty much what you’ll be doing when you’re in a negative

state. So, you know that when you hit a barrier the chatter in your head becomes

very loud. Similarly, the chatter in the other person’s head will be very loud too

(although their chatter will be different to yours) and we have already seen that they

will be paying attention to their chatter rather than listening to you.

In terms of how someone feels, you can only guess at how they might be feeling.

You absolutely don’t know what someone is experiencing. You can take an

educated guess – by reading the hidden messages. You still won’t know for certain

that you are right, though.

If they look closed, are they?

I know many people who sit with their arms crossed and they are feeling perfectly

good-willed and open. I also know of people who sound irritated all the time yet are

open and happy. I know even more people who sit in a slouched fashion and are

fully attentive. So, just a point here: If someone has cultivated a style over many

years it will become part of their habitual behaviour. It may not mean that they are

closed, or angry or whatever else you might read into their body language. So don’t

think you know everything that someone is thinking or feeling because you think you

are reading them right. You’ll be on dodgy ground. Make no assumptions. You can

make an educated guess, though, that they may not be open to your ideas. This

means that you may need to be ready to adapt your communication style to get a

positive response from them.


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Let’s sum up STEP TWO

Consider their state

• How might they be feeling?

• How might this effect their communication?

• Adapt your communication to ‘get through’


What do these people look like? They could all look as if they’re saying “don’t ask

me to do anything more”. You don’t know for certain. However, you do know that

they don’t look particularly open at the moment.

Just the most miniscule facial gesture or tone could send a negative message.

These people may not be being difficult, remember it may just be habitual for them to

have these mannerisms. If you assume they are going to be difficult, what are you

likely to do? You will go into fight or flight. You’ll get aggressive in some way or

you’ll go weak in your communication. Whatever you do, other than being straight,

will not be effective.

If they are in a negative state (hitting barriers), you’ll have fierce competition for

airtime because they will be listening to their chatter and not to what you have to say.

They’ll be dealing with their own knee jerk reactions to you and they’ll be feeling very

uncomfortable.

So how do we communicate effectively in these circumstances?


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STEP THREE – ADAPT YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE

STEP THREE – Your Communication Style

Let’s think about this:• Have you got time to prepare or have you been

‘hijacked’?• What impact do you want to have (confident,

positive, friendly, co-operative, clear, in control, powerful)?

• What do you want to get out of it – what do you want to come away with?


Have you got time to prepare?

If you know you are going to go into a situation with a difficult person, it could be a

team member, a customer, your boss or a friend and you have time to prepare, do

so. It is really worth it. We’ll come onto how to do that later.

Or have you been hijacked? Let’s talk about this first

Imagine this scenario . . . you are having a very nice conversation with someone and

suddenly it becomes difficult. Perhaps you’ve said something that they take offence

to, perhaps it’s something they disagree with or simply don’t like the sound of. There

may have been an uncomfortable pause or they replied with a negative tone in their

voice. Either way, you’ve definitely picked up enough of the hidden messages to get

the impression that their feathers have been ruffled. You know that feeling you get

when this happens, right then and there, in the conversation you start to feel

uncomfortable. You might get the butterflies, you might feel shock and stop listening

to them for a few seconds and you might ‘go quiet’. Certainly the chatter in your

head increases as you try to work out what just happened. You’ve been hijacked. If


29

you’ve been hijacked, you’ll suddenly have a negative thought which will instantly

make you feel uncomfortable - you’ll have hit a barrier. You have no time to prepare.

All of this happens in less than a split second. That’s why it is so difficult. You

cannot help how you feel. You can, however, help how you respond.

Think about how you want to deal with being hijacked

When you’re being hijacked, your communication suffers. Your attention is

immediately diverted to yourself, your ability to listen drops and your ability to talk

sense drops (because you are listening to your internal chatter which is all about

justifying why you should stay in your comfort zone).

What impact do you want to have?

So, take this opportunity, as you are reading this, to think about what impact

you want to have when you are in this sudden, uncomfortable situation. Do

you want to come across as out of control or weak or aggressive? Or do you

want to come across as confident, effective or co-operative? (I know there’s

no contest in making that decision). Notice I said “do you want to come

across as confident etc”. I didn’t say “do you want to feel confident etc.” If

you are in the middle of an uncomfortable situation, be prepared to feel

uncomfortable, while at the same time, communicating in a confident manner.

Your feelings will soon catch up. Firstly, though, decide for yourself about

how you want to come across. Deciding this now will prepare you for when

you are in the middle of the hijack.

What outcome do you want to achieve?

Here I mean, what generic outcome do you want to have in these types of

situations? It could be that you always want to come away with the other

person agreeing with you. Personally, I think that’s a bit of a tall order. It

could be that you’d like to create mutual respect or co-operation as a


30

minimum outcome. Think about what you want. If you remember this when

you get hijacked it will definitely help.

Let’s think about it some more

Answer these questions:

• How do you want to deal with difficult people (as a whole)?

• What happens to you when you are suddenly havingto deal with a difficult person – in terms of your thoughts and emotions?

• Are you getting good at switching to Observe Mode?

Let’s Think About This


Genuinely, right now, have a think about what it is you do when you are suddenly

confronted with a difficult situation. What sort of thoughts do you have and how do

you tend to deal with them?

The more self aware you are, the more you are likely to be in command in a difficult

situation and the more you are likely to be able to communicate confidently.


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What to do when you’ve been hijacked

• Notice that you are outside of your comfort zone – that’s not hard – it will hit you

• Switch into Observe Mode - notice your thoughts and feelings

• Breathe• Put your attention OUT on the other person• Remember that their irritation or upset probably

has nothing to do with you• When you communicate, try to create rapport

When You’re In It – No Preparation Time


Are you practicing and getting good at being in Observe Mode.

In order to get the best result, when you’re hijacked, switch into Observe Mode to

distance yourself from your negative thoughts and emotions. This does not mean

suppress your feelings or pretend you are not having them. By observing them you

are accepting them but not being controlled and driven into a knee jerk reaction by

them. Being in Observe Mode will also help you to put your attention on the other

person.

Remember, their upset has probably very little to do with you.

Try to create rapport – more on that later.


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If you have time to prepare

• Decide on your outcome• Where are you now?• If your outcome is a long way from where you are now, break it

down into stages (you may need more than one conversation)• What clear ideas do you want to get across?• What mood are they likely to be in?• What are their likely considerations or objections to your ideas –

prepare answers to these• How are you going to create rapport?

If You Have Time to Prepare


You have time to prepare when you are about to go into a conversation with a

difficult person (real or imagined).

Answer these questions:

What outcome do you want as a result of the conversation

What do you want to come away with? This may be different from the first

point

Where do you stand now with that person?

Before you launch into the main conversation, always set a context. Describe the

bigger picture which gives some background. Say why it is important to you and

then continue with a question.

If your outcome is a long way off from your starting point, break it down into stages.

Think carefully about this – get a piece of paper and work it out – don’t just do it in

your head. So, firstly write down what your final outcome is. Then break it down into

smaller outcomes. Give them opportunities to say “yes” to easy requests. Once


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they’ve said “yes” you are more likely to get another “yes”. If they keep saying “yes”

to you you’re more likely to end up with your big “yes”. If you start with asking for the

final outcome it may well be too much of a leap for the other person. An inch is a

synch, a yard is hard.

What if you get a “no”?

In your preparation make sure both the content of what you say and how you say it,

creates a positive experience. I’ve seen so many people scupper themselves

because they, inadvertently, send hidden negative messages via their tone of voice,

facial gestures and body posture. For each stage of the conversation – for each

outcome you are going for, think through all the considerations or objections that the

other person could come up with. Doing this leaves very little to catch you

unawares.

Become aware of your communication style when you feel uncomfortable

When you feel uncomfortable, what happens to your communication? Do you forget

what you are going to say? Do you waffle or go round the houses? Do you come

away kicking yourself that you had forgotten to say ‘such and such’? Is your volume

and energy lower than usual? Do you forget to listen?

Before you go into a difficult conversation do you have an imaginary conversation

(internal chatter) between yourself and the other person about what he’s like or what

she’s done to you previously and how it’s not fair or why you should or shouldn’t do

this or that? Do you run through a pretend argument with them? If you do, do you

always come out on top, finishing with something like “well, that told him!”

How can you set yourself up to win?

Take your notes in with you, take your water in with you if you think you might get a

dry mouth. What mood are they in? A morning meeting might be better than an

evening meeting.


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Brainstorm – think of everything that could get in the way of not getting the result you

want. Then take each idea at a time and work out what you could do to minimise the

problem. Once you have got to the end of your list, if you still feel uncomfortable or

anxious, find some more things that could go wrong and keep going until the anxiety

has lifted.

How can you set yourself up to win with your communication style?

• Create rapport – match their speed of speech and if possible, their body posture

• Minimise everything that could reactivate the other person:• Lower your voice tone and keep it straight• Drop at the end of your sentence• Keep eye contact (don’t stare)• Do not smile unless it is appropriate – you won’t seem

genuine• Keep an upright posture

Set yourself up to win


So how do you adapt your communication style to give you the best chance you can

to create co-operation?

Create rapport to help the other person feel more comfortable

Simply slow down a little if the other person speaks slower than you and, conversely,

speed up a little if they speak faster than you. It will mean that you have to have

your attention on them (otherwise you won’t notice) and you will have to be flexible

and willing enough to adapt your speed.


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If someone is under pressure and they are speaking very quickly and you are rather

slow and ponderous they will probably become even more irritated because they will

want you to speed up.

Have you ever been on your way to the airport and you were late to catch your plane

and the taxi driver was driving v-e-r-y slowly. It’s as frustrating as hell. I’ve found

myself in the back seat trying to ‘sush’ it along! That’s the experience they will be in.

Conversely, if you are under pressure and speedy in your speech and movements

and they are slow, your words will fly over the top of their heads and they will feel

panicky.

Can you recall being on a train looking out of the window. The train speeds up so

much that you can’t see all the sights you want to – they become a blur. They slip

out of view quickly and you cannot hold them long enough to make sense of them,

so you end up choosing one piece of the landscape and holding it as long as you

can. If you are talking far too quickly for someone, they can only hear a small

percentage of the ideas coming at them.

Does it really matter?

When you are dealing with a difficult person (real or imagined), it definitely does

matter. It can make such a difference if the other person feels more comfortable. .

They will be able to listen and more intelligently respond to you.

Match their speed of speech and, if possible, their body posture. There is a whole

art to creating rapport. For now, if you concentrate on matching their speed of

speech and body posture you will make a big difference to the experience of creating

co-operation.

As well as matching their speed of speech, match their body posture. If they are

standing, you stand. They won’t notice if you just change your body posture slightly

to emulate theirs. If they have their arms folded, just fold yours. Don’t try to

obviously copy them. All you should be trying to do is to be more like them. Just


36

edge your behaviour towards theirs. Every little bit will help them feel more

comfortable.

Lower your voice and drop at the end of every sentence

Lower your voice, speak in a level, even, unwavering tone and drop the tone at the

end of the sentence. I don’t mean that you should sound like a robot. You do need

energy in your voice, just don’t let the tone waver. Don’t go up at the end of your

sentence. Go down.

It takes practice and you may need some feedback from someone or you could

record your voice to help you. Even with a question, drop the tone at the end of the

sentence. You‘ll have much more natural authority in your voice. If you go up at the

end you’re more likely to send a hidden message of some sort, so don’t risk it.

A lower voice has warmth in it. It says “I’m open”. A higher voice tone has a

different energy and resonance than a lower tone. Energy transfers and your energy

will engage other people more effectively when it is lower. They will enjoy listening

to you and they’ll feel good without really knowing why. So that you can become

more flexible and skilled, practice speaking from your throat and then practice

speaking from your tummy and notice the difference in tone. When you use your

voice from lower down in your body, you will begin to experience more confidence

and natural authority.

Having said that all of this, if you are talking to someone with a very high voice tone

and they are being ‘difficult’, then don’t respond with a very, very low tone. That will

send you out of rapport. Start the conversation with your tone high-ish and then

slowly bring it down.

Always, drop at the end of the sentence. It works.


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Keep eye contact.

It is very natural, when we are talking to look up to the right or the left, we don’t have

to stare or keep eye contact all the time.

Don’t smile unless it’s appropriate.

You know that when you‘re nervous you can start to a smile in the wrong places.

Observe yourself to see if this is something you tend to do. If you do, it will make

you seem false and untrustworthy. You won’t come across in a genuine, honest

way. Only smile or laugh when it’s appropriate so that your communication is

congruent. Being congruent in your communication means that you will be sending

the same message via your tone of voice, facial gestures and body posture as you

are through the words you use. If you are feeling uncomfortable and you smile all

the time you’re sending a hidden message such as “please be nice to me”. You

won’t be taken seriously and you’ll be sending the message that you don’t take

yourself seriously either.

Keep an upright posture

This will give you the impact of confidence. Having said this, bear in mind the other

person’s posture. If they are sitting in a hunched position, or with their head resting

in their hand and elbow on the table, if you are sitting with a fully upright posture you

won’t create rapport. Be flexible and trust your instinct.

Everything I am recommending in this report will help you to minimise anything that

could negatively reactivate the other person.


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The Magic Wand in your communication toolbox

Listen

If you are feeling uncomfortable, you won’t want to. Imagine driving on a very

slippery, icy surface and you go into a skid. We are taught, aren’t we, to drive into

the skid. But every cell in our body is telling us to slam on the breaks and turn the

wheel the other way. You know, however, that doing that ends you up in the ditch.

To be safe, we need to drive into the skid, we need to do the very thing that we don’t

want to, we need to do the thing that, at the time, looks as if we’ll get ourselves into

even more trouble.

It is the same as when you are faced with a difficult person. You won’t want to listen

and you will want to bring the shutters down. You will want to get out, but you must

force yourself to put your attention on the other person and listen. This is critical (like

driving into the skid) and it’s very hard because we want to shut down – we’d rather

retreat into ourselves and listen to our own chatter than stay open and listen.


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Acknowledge

The principle of using acknowledgement and why this is your magic wand . . .

If an idea is fully acknowledged and accepted it disappears – forever! Think about

how amazing and useful this is! If you are on the receiving end of negative ideas

which could be anything from ideas you simply don’t like to ones which are highly

critical and ones that you totally do not agree with, then, by simply acknowledging

them, they disappear.

Acknowledgement is not agreement. It is a neutral statement such as:

o I understand

o I see

o I can see what you are saying

o I can hear what you are saying

Be very careful not to fall into the trap of the “I hear what you say, but” with a tone

which is sending the much louder message of “I don’t care what you are saying,

listen to my, much better idea”.

Now imagine a slot machine with a stack of bars of chocolate. Imagine the one at

the bottom, the first one to come out of the stack is equivalent to the first very critical

idea someone is slinging at you. If you fully acknowledge it, it disappears. Then the

next idea drops down ready to be sent. If you acknowledge that one too, it

disappears. The first few ideas may be negative, then they turn rather neutral and

then at the top of the stack sits co-operation.

All you have to do is fully acknowledge every idea which is sent in your direction to

create co-operation. Using acknowledgement is like sprinkling magical fairy dust

and turning a very negative situation into a positive one . . but we have to know how

to do this properly and you have to have the stamina to keep going without reacting

in a defensive manner. That is why I’m telling you to keep your voice tone level and

drop at the end of your sentence. Doing this removes any defensive tones out of

your voice.


40

It takes practice and includes the following:

o The other person has to experience that he/she has been fully

acknowledged. He/she needs to see, hear and feel that you have

acknowledged their ideas (on the phone they want to hear and feel)

o You must acknowledge not only exactly what they say but also what they

might be feeling

o You must have your voice tone absolutely level and drop at the end of

every sentence

o Keep your voice tone as low as you can whilst at the same time creating

rapport

o You must match their energy and speed of speech

o Do not match any angry or upset tones

I know this looks like a lot, but practice one element at a time so that you can hear

yourself following these steps.

Remember, if someone is emotionally upset, that emotion with all the related chatter

will be shouting loudest in their heads. You must do your utmost to make that

disappear first. So, acknowledge what you perceive to be their negative emotion

first.

The next thing that will be shouting loudest in their heads will be the actual facts

about the situation that they are critical or feel upset or angry about. You must then

do your utmost to make that disappear before you can make progress.

Once both these very loud and emotive ideas have been ‘disappeared’ from the

other person they will become much calmer, they will experience that you are on

their side and that they feel fully understood by you.

If you do this right, you will see them physically relax right in front of your eyes. Their

voice tone will relax and become even and their energy will lighten up.


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With every idea that you acknowledge they will become more and more open to your

ideas.

Let’s look at acknowledgement more closely

• Listen

• First, acknowledge fully how they feel

• Then, acknowledge fully what they say e.g.

“ I can imagine you must feel very frustrated by this, what you are saying is ..... USE THEIR WORDS”

Acknowledgement


So, what’s the best way to do this? Keep your attention out.

You’ll probably be hitting a barrier, so observe yourself and make sure that you’re

not having any knee jerk reactions and sending hidden ‘wind up’ messages.

Remember, keep your voice level and drop and the end of each sentence.

Listen and watch their mannerisms. They will probably be sending some hidden

messages which are tell-tale signs of what their emotions are likely to be. If they

have an irritated tone, they’ll probably have quite high energy and lots of peaks

and troughs in their voice tone. If they look downhearted they are likely to have

low energy and low volume. Remember you will never know for sure, so you

have to take an educated guess.


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Of course, they may be very overt about how they feel in which case you won’t

have to guess. They may, on the other hand, say everything is “OK” when you

are picking up from their mannerisms that everything is not “OK”.

Remember, the first thing to do is acknowledge the other person’s emotions.

Their emotions will be shouting loudest and taking most of their attention, so

disappear those first. It is absolutely critical to have your tone of voice even and

steady otherwise you may convey that you are questioning or disdainful or

condescending or something else that you don’t want to convey. This will only serve

to make matters worse.

If you think the other person is irritated, say something like “It looks like you’re

irritated with . . . . . , is that how you feel?”

Wait for the answer. If you are right, they will definitely let you know and they may

add to it.

They may say, “yes I am, and actually I feel very disappointed as well because the

report wasn’t done on time”.

In this case you know that you’ve disappeared the irritation and they are also telling

you that they feel disappointed.

So then you say, “right, I can completely understand that you feel disappointed with

the report not being done on time”.

Always, always, always use their words. If your guess is wrong they will let you

know immediately and sound even more negative. Don’t panic, just acknowledge

what they say. Be careful not to sound like a parrot!

They’ll probably say something like “No! I’m not irritated, I’m upset that the report

wasn’t done on time and I don’t feel that my time is respected!”

In which case you then say “Right, I completely understand that you are upset that

the report wasn’t done on time and that you don’t feel that your time is respected”.


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If you acknowledge the emotion first they will calm down much more quickly than if

you acknowledge what they are actually saying. You will then be able to move

forward in the conversation more quickly than if you acknowledge what they are

saying first (and the negative emotion second).

As soon as a negative emotion is not acknowledged in any conversation, progress

gets stuck (sometimes for years!).

However tempting, never, ever try to deliver any of your own ideas until you have

fully acknowledged everything they want to say first. They won’t hear you and they

won’t be able to respond positively until this has happened. They will just become

more negative.

This is very difficult to do when you want to be defensive and this is why it is so

important to get into Observe Mode. When you are observing yourself you are more

able to manage your own state while you are dealing with the other person’s.

When you are in co-operation, acknowledgement is still important

Acknowledgement must take place for any communication to be effective. When

you are in a perfectly normal situation where co-operation already exists then a nod

of the head, and a “right, I see” will do fine. Use your own words. Some people hate

“I see”, so use your own words. “OK” works, as long as it is said in a neutral manner

and does not sound like “I agree”. It is when you are dealing with negative emotions

that a full acknowledgement, as we have described above, is required.

Of course, when you’re on the ‘phone a nod won’t work. You’d be surprised though,

how easy it is to forget this.


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LET’S REVIEW

• Prepare if you can• Step One: Notice how you feel switch to Observe Mode• Step Two: Notice how they feel – keep your attention out• Step Three: Listen, acknowledge fully what you think

they feel, then, acknowledge what they say (their words)• As soon as you fully acknowledge, co-operation can take

place – then you can positively continue with the conversation

Three steps in successfully dealing with difficult people - Review


Notice how you feel – practice being in Observe Mode.

Keep your attention out on the other person

Acknowledge their emotions first and then the facts (what they are talking about).

Keep your voice tone level and drop at the end of your sentences.

Use their words, not your words. As soon as you fully acknowledge, co-operation

can take place and then you can positively take the conversation down the route

you need to, to achieve what you want.


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Completion

As much as I’d like to convey everything I know about this subject, I have tried to

give you the information you need to immediately transform the difficult situations

you come across on a daily basis.

I hope you find the time to read through this information thoroughly and practice the

skills. I think you’ll be very pleased with the result. Please let me know how you get

on.

I wish you every success.

Juliet

For workshops and more information go to www.performanceandculture.com

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Successfully Dealing with Difficult Peopleperformanceandculture.com/wp-content/uploads/... · Your experience of dealing with difficult people 7 First things First – You always