Le Tartuffe: A New Translation

Senior Project Submitted to

The Division of Language and Literature

of Bard College

by

Matthew Lazarus

Annandale-on-Hudson, New York

May 2014

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Introduction

Recently, at Bard College’s inaugural Translation Symposium, Professor Wyatt

Mason, speaking about his experience translating Montaigne’s Essais, contributed two

points that immediately resonated with me regarding my own French translation

undertaking. The first was more an observation: that as a result of the Internet’s

gargantuan cache of literary databases - not merely limited to traditional thesauri but

expanded to include anthologies of regional expressions, slang, and the like, Professor

Mason reasoned that generations of translators beginning today would effectively

‘blow the translations of the past out of the water.’ I could not have been more in

agreement with this remark, as in my seat I promptly reminisced on what a glorious

day it was when I first discovered the Oxford English Dictionary’s searchable

Historical Thesaurus online. Instantly I had access to a scannable record of words

dating back to early Old English, and in my search I was provided with every possible

nuance of meaning a word had ever possessed. The plethora of choice became almost

a burden, and my Flaubertian imperative to land on le mot juste ballooned to almost

intractable proportions. I cannot stress what an invaluable resource the Internet has

been during the course of my project. From striving towards the zenith of pedantry in

translating Tartuffe’s voice, to my search for the most abstruse and arcane words for

the speeches of Cléante, the OED’s Historical Thesaurus has proven extraordinarily

fruitful. And, because I was attempting to step into the voices of characters whose

bearings extended beyond my innate phraseology, I also owe a great deal to the online

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catalogs of regional expressions and slang, which I mined prolifically in hopes of

ensnaring that elusive ‘right tone.’ I can say with confidence now that early in the

translation process, for perhaps the first two-fifths of the play, I was seeking more to

entertain myself with the challenge of including as many uproarious or scathingly

contemporary expressions as were contextually possible. To this day, I have yet to

discover a passage that might accommodate such stomach-churning gems as ‘slicker

than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot,’ ‘on you like a wet fart on satin sheets,’ or the

delightfully pithy and rhythmic ‘back at it like crack addicts.’ I became engrossed in

what was, generally speaking, more of a language exercise than an assignment

intended for performance.

During these initial weeks translating, I was given to opening an assemblage of

bookmarks for the purpose of pinning down the most eclectic yet pertinent Southern

and/or (regrettably classified as) Urban (or “hood”) expressions. These pioneering

websites included such indices as ‘Legends of America: Western Slang & Phrases,’

‘New York City Slang: REAL URBAN DICTIONARY – NOT THAT TRASH

ONLINE,’ ‘The Vulgar Comparative Metaphor FAQ,’ ‘Ghetto Glossary,’ ‘The Online

Slang Dictionary,’ and approximately a half-dozen crowd-sourced compilations of

Southern colloquialisms and expressions (“My redneck father always used to say...”)

with varying levels of utility. I interpret it as an indication that my methodology has

refined itself over time that, by the end of the fifth act, I had whittled down my

syndicate of viable tabs to the following: (1) the OED’s historical thesaurus, (2)

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Wordreference.com, a dependable French-English dictionary, (3) Merriam-Webster’s

online thesaurus, (4) a 2000 translation of Tartuffe so bland, so gummy, so

painstakingly literal that I would only reference it to get a broad, meat-and-potatoes

sense of a line’s meaning, (5) Rhymezone.com, a rhyming dictionary that has proved

helpful in manufacturing Cléante’s couplets, and finally, (6) the one and only

Urbandictionary.com, a marvelous inventory of flim-flammery and filth which I found

myself dipping into more frequently early on in my journey, and I retain for reasons

that mostly amount to nostalgia – a certain nostalgia for a time when I would paw for

twenty-five minutes through the incomprehensible, often disturbingly specific user-

submitted and profanity-laden potage before settling on the word “dinglefuzz.”

The biggest reason for my conscientious pruning of idiomatic resources was a

philosophical one, in which I was forced to reassess the quality of work I intended to

produce. As entertaining as it was for me to cherry-pick and reappropriate nuggets of

knee-slapping vernacular (and certainly there was a great deal more intermittent

giggling on my part while translating the first half of the play), I came to realize with

help from my adviser(s) that my sportive cannonballing into a McDonald’s ball pit of

silly jargon was costing me the immediacy of the play’s drama - the palpable hue of

panic on which the narrative’s endearing seesaw of follicle-wrenching absurdity and

unpityingly prescient social commentary firmly relies. As a result, I sharpened my

resolve and began to view each scene as if it were a helium-filled balloon; I ought to

avoid inhaling a breath for the fleeting merriment of a high-pitched chipmunk voice

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and instead strive to keep the energy of the moment taut, elevated, and boasting a

optimal PSI reading.

The second of Professor Mason’s comments that I found applicable to my

experience concerned his approach to French translation. He referred to the

advantage of his status as a non-native French speaker, such that it has allowed him to

sidestep the agonizing process of pondering what from the original text may be “lost”

in a translation into English, and instead allocating him the room to focus simply on

what he termed “the gains.” I have since heralded this as an especially lucid and

galvanizing remark, which I believe parallels my approach. While technically French

is my maternal tongue, I was raised in the United States and my command of English

easily outclasses my proficiency in French. As a result, while I continue to hail the

richness and fluidity of Molière’s verses, holding his reputation in the highest regard,

it would seem that my binational genetic plan has fortuitously spared me the feeling of

treading on the unabashedly sacred – a presentiment which the plays of Molière might

evoke in a homegrown French speaker.

Along with my lifelong penchant for the intrinsic, ineffable charms of

expressions and slang, both in French and in English, this cocktail of reverent

irreverence for language has been in my mind the catalyst for my commitment to this

project. But what exactly do I wish to achieve? Of course every translator hopes that

his/her translation will ‘ring true’ by rendering the emotional poignancy and the

crackling, vibrant thread of the original text into a new format that both preserves

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meaning and, with hope, does not strike the listener’s ear as altogether discourteous.

Along with this arguably unwinnable goal, towards whose execution no number of

revisions is sufficient, I made it my mission to repackage Classical French theater for a

member of my hedonistic, trend-obsessed, multicultural, satire-mongering,

establishment-scorning generation. This goal did not consist of enlightening them to

the networks of hypocrisy that govern us all; they are far too shrewd for that, and if

they hate anything, it is a thinly veiled lecture. What may have been a groundbreaking

revelation for audiences in 1664 is at best hackneyed punditry today. My impulse

could therefore not be a didactic one, but rather one that seeks to delight and divert.

If I were able to sift through the skepticism surrounding seventeenth-century French

theater, to deconstruct the knee-jerk assumption of an individual my age that ‘while it

might be a funny play, it’s not something I’m going to laugh at’ – if I could somehow

repurpose Molière’s playfulness, his marvelous sense of pacing, and his astonishingly

progressive flair for irony and cultural subversion through comedy into a piece of

writing that has the potential to genuinely entertain my fellow walking drums of

cynicism and latent malaise, then I will have met my objective.

I had my certified introduction to Molière at 16 when, as part of a university’s

summer program, I enrolled in an acting workshop focusing on comedy. As an

attentive, oft-wisecracking adolescent devotee of Seinfeld, The Office, Mitch Hedberg

and Eddie Murphy, I was eager to cull from the genius of the so-called father of

Western comedy. In our studies of several Molière one-act plays, among which I recall

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Le Médecin volant with particular fondness, and disregarding the perpetually

mishandled pronunciations of Gorgibus, Sganarelle, Villebrequin and (especially)

Gros-René, I came away having thoroughly embraced my teacher’s unabating

catchphrase, which is no doubt a fundamental precept of the theater – that being the

concept of stakes, and in particular, life or death stakes. He purported that no matter

how inane a scenario may be, acting with life or death stakes will rescue the scene

from the purgatory of audience indifference, and essentially intimidate spectators into

laughing. Feigned conviction spells ruination on stage. Stephen Colbert has

exemplified this principle, proving that even the most brazen right-wing casuistry is all

the more funny when he seems as though he actually believes it. The exorbitance of

my script dictates that a staged performance would constitute a considerable challenge

to the actors – one that stipulated the highest stakes. One shortcoming of my

translation might be its vacillation between its standing as a performance text and as a

text that may simply be read and enjoyed. Many great pieces of theater are virtually

intolerable when read as printed work. I dared myself to compose a text worthy of

both interpretations.

This project is a confluence of appetites. Blessed with a small high school class

and a reluctant confederation of lads, I capitalized on the dearth of competition and

secured several lead roles during my teenage years. While I would usually object to

assigning gender to an art form, the expression “Lady Theater” exists for a very good

reason; I learned quickly: when it is good, it is next to empyrean, but a long rehearsal

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for a mediocre production is a sadistic category all its own. The delight in contributing

to a live, staged performance is akin to an all-consuming endorphin jamboree from

whose zenith life itself is exposed as substandard. My effort to summon a range of

contemporary dialects has cued me to acknowledge and subsequently chase that

exhilarating moment at which writing and acting converge. No actor worth his salt is

capable of sidling up to the theater fifteen minutes before curtain and effectively

incarnating a character; the warming-up process is vital. To wit, the concept of

improvisation within the framework of an invented persona was an essential part of

my writing process. The third motivating factor for my project, alongside my

exuberant idealization of theater and my longstanding regard for the written word, is

my cultural allegiance to France, its literary canon, and my wish to both pay tribute to

and promote a basic recognition of Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, everyone’s favorite courtly

rebel, and in my eyes the headliner of France’s “Big Three” of classical theater. Along

with many Americans when faced with the work of Shakespeare, I am sure I share the

curious feeling of veneration and alienation intermingled, due perhaps to the abrupt

realization that the United States might not be the pillar of English language it was

thought it to be. In working with Molière, who is, and understandably so, no doubt

underappreciated in English, I believed I could leverage my cultural affiliation and

honor the unfiltered qualities in myself that merited the most expansion.

The impact of rhyming couplets on an audience is at once hypnotizing and

normalizing. In the case of both Molière’s text and Richard Wilbur’s seminal

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translation, I noticed that the economy of rhyme seemed to flatten, even to omit the

depth and nuance of individual character; one can only infer the essence of a

character’s nature by assessing his or her actions in the play, as opposed to through

the expressivity of his or her speech patterns. The rollicking, transparent plot of

Tartuffe, for all its innate moralizing, nevertheless has retained its hipness, its edge,

and its poignancy in contemporary society. But considering that the play is a family

drama, in which the audience knows little about the characters outside of their staged

interactions , I sensed that in order for American audiences today to tolerate such a

barefaced critique of religious hypocrisy, the characters would necessarily have to

reflect their individualism, as well as the flavor of contemporary culture. This seemed

impossible to achieve while trapped in a regimented prism of verse.

A Midwestern locale, Kansas City struck me as a particularly pliant backdrop

for accommodating voices that would contrast with one another – an element so

critical for the development of dynamic character relationships. Noting the popularity

of certain television series set in the deep south (True Blood, True Detective, among

others), I postulated that there exists a quality of Southern speech that is inherently

relatable to Americans – a certain auto-identification with Southern dogma – a

cultural common denominator, wherein a program set in the South is more likely to

amass a wider following than one in a more niche milieu, such as Manhattan or

Malibu. There is a whiff of appeasement in this phenomenon. And yet, in order to

pinpoint a character’s idiolect, while also attempting to borrow from quasi-

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irreconcilable verbiage, I needed to resist availing myself of my own verbal and

syntactical tendencies. This was not the most straightforward task, considering that I

was translating a work in which each character’s distinctive quirk happens to be an

ability to speak in rhyme.

Although my father hails from West Virginia, the capacity to cloister that

elusive Southern inflection and vernacular was by no means natural for me; this can

be restated more vigorously in the case of Dorine and Damis, whose inner-city savvy

and flagrant, decontextualized machismo, respectively, were self-conscious riffs on a

linguistic bracket I have long marveled at and admired from afar. The decision to

translate Molière into voices that were so plainly at odds with my own afforded me

first the merry exercise of assimilating flamboyant and exotic idiomatic speech to a

17th-century text, and secondly, it granted me an unfettered avenue towards the

pursuit of theatricality in language. Not unlike the patina of incredulity that permeates

the play, as the audience struggles to fathom how anyone could become so damnably

duped by such an impostor, the decision to incorporate extreme pockets of dialect

allowed me to commit to the notion that the play’s action was taking place in a sort of

alternate universe, where Dorine’s hood-rat audacity could rejoin Mariane’s prudent

ditz, and Madame Pernelle’s hayseed tirades could coexist with Cléante’s inexplicable

magniloquence – naturally, all for the sake of entertainment.

I would be remiss not to comment on the evolution of Cléante’s voice. Elmire’s

brother is an erudite lamb, a textbook pushover whose noble efforts to right his

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family’s floundering ethical ship effect reactions that range from passive endorsement

to blatant stonewalling. At the onset of my translation, I envisioned Cléante’s tone as

not simply a platform for me to pilfer antiquated language from the OED’s stockpile

of synonyms, but as another instance of droll contrast to the speech patterns of other

characters, notably Orgon. My inclination to render the majority of his speeches in the

latter acts of the play into faux-alexandrine rhyming couplets coincided with my

realization that in a play with such a condensed timeline, breadth of character is

expressed through engagement with conflict. While the mood at the household is

tense throughout the play, the appreciable shift in urgency of Cléante’s advocacy

speeches between Act 1 and Act 4 confirm that the ante has been collectively upped. I

grew to use rhyme as a rhetorical weapon, not simply as a tactic for entertaining an

audience, or as a stylistic tribute to the schema of the original text, but as a means of

echoing the dramatic crescendo of the plot, as well as a formal corroboration that

Cléante’s sound reasoning is capable of outdueling Tartuffe’s sophistry.

Thanks to the historical ubiquity of familial squabbling, the enduring influence

of hypocrisy on society, and the amenable circumscription of his plot, I found that the

vast majority of Molière’s narrative ingredients were still connectable after three

hundred and fifty years. There were, however, a handful of exceptions, beginning with

arguably the play’s most pivotal and electric character, Dorine, and the question of

how to conceive of her status as a servant. Envisioning Dorine’s voice was concurrent

with my decision to set the play in Kansas City; I was eager to exploit the comedic

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potential between a starchy, clueless Midwestern patriarch and his brassy, straight-

shooting, Brooklyn-born live-in help. Given her role as the play’s most pragmatic

moral compass, I wanted to harness the impact of her consummate emotional

intelligence by supplying her with a contentious colloquial edge and thereby forcing

the audience to recognize that regardless of her so-called profanity, the rationale

behind her speech would be seen as no less valid. In both Molière’s text and my

translation, Dorine is guilty of copious counts of impertinence that, for an employee

in her position, under typical circumstances, one presumes would warrant the ax. The

play demands a wry suspension of disbelief from an audience that sees Dorine

brazenly and unflinchingly issue her cheek.

With household conventions of politesse having presumably slackened since

the 17th century, the profanity decorating Dorine’s speech serves to compensate for

those shifting mores. And despite the trend towards informality one might anticipate

belonging to exchanges between a resident housemaid and the adults with whom she

dwells, my choice of profanity aims to underscore the sagacious effrontery of the

original Dorine. I am of course aware that festooning dialogue with foul language for

the sake of securing the ever sought-after pep and zest becoming our hip, modern age

is a ploy that is fairly commonplace among writers of all kinds. In turn, monitoring

Dorine’s use of vulgar language (as opposed to that of Damis, a committed poseur,

whose outbursts are less essential to the unfolding of the plot and more of an

accessory to the play’s comedic bent) was one of the most challenging aspects of my

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writing process. Though I stand by the premise that theater is successful when it

shocks and makes uncomfortable its audience, needless profanity is something else

entirely. I struggled to craft Dorine’s voice as one that would be both entertaining as

well as sufficiently nuanced and consistent with a rounded character.

I did not encounter another glaring trans-centenary inconsistency until the

play’s final scene, in which an emissary of the Prince arrives to arrest Tartuffe and

extol His Majesty’s beneficence. Even in French, the dénouement as it is read today

conjures up but a trace of the subtext present at the time of the play’s publication,

when Molière was compelled to swiftly dissolve the conflict – both within the

production and surrounding it – in the form of a quasi-conciliatory political button

intended to nullify, or, at least, to downplay the affront to the Church by appealing to

the monarchy’s magnanimity as the nation’s one true saving grace. In framing the

officer’s speech, I was afforded some creative license. I chose to redirect the lavish

praise meant for the sovereign Prince to an unnamed judge based on my logical

inference that such a case would likely come before a civil court. Additionally, by

repurposing the Prince’s panegyric for the nameless judge, I endeavor to accentuate

the risibility of lionizing one particular individual – for a Prince is only an individual –

expressly for having doled out a serving of justice that so patently demanded doling.

For all the mopish, grey afternoons spent swilling green tea, loathing my

impulse to check my cellphone, and pining for an operating pace that might someday

eclipse three lines per hour, the process of translating Molière’s Tartuffe has been the

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most fortifying and vitalizing literary enterprise I have ever undertaken. It has given

me cause to reflect on, among other cerebral trimmings, the notion of choice, which,

in the mind of a writer, has the potential both to strangulate and to emancipate.

Choice is unquestionably the essence of translation: the writer, if we are to uphold the

inviolability of the artist’s vision, makes one choice which could not possibly be

another way; the translator studies one line and is immediately flooded with filaments

of choice fanning out into obscurity. My exhaustive study of the original text has only

amplified my veneration for the artist’s creative invention. This project has been an

excavation of language and self. I have felt emboldened by the mollifying maelstrom of

human expression. I am proud that it may serve as a sort of time capsule, dignifying

certain idiomatic proclivities of our time, as well as a personal milestone of intonation

and syntax. I refuse to wax lyrical about Tartuffe’s relevance to contemporary society,

for Tartufferie in our world is rife. Much has been made of Molière the moralist, but

his genius lies in his imperative to entertain first and (explicitly) moralize never.

Intelligent comedy can whet one’s moral yolk more succinctly than the most fervid

political speeches. In my humble quest to entertain, I pray I have honored his legacy.

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Characters MADAME PERNELLE Orgon’s mother ORGON The patriarch ELMIRE Orgon’s wife DAMIS Orgon’s son MARIANE Orgon’s daughter VALÈRE Mariane’s lovekin CLÉANTE Elmire’s brother TARTUFFE A charlatan LAURENT Tartuffe’s minion DORINE The domestic MR. LOYAL A bailiff FLIPOTE Mme Pernelle’s aide An OFFICER

The scene is an affluent home in a gated community in a suburb of Kansas City, MO.

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LE TARTUFFE: A NEW TRANSLATION

ACT I

Scene 1 – MADAME PERNELLE and FLIPOTE, her aide, ELMIRE, MARIANE, DORINE, DAMIS, CLÉANTE

MADAME PERNELLE

Move! Flippy, when I say move, I mean move, now, shake a leg! Thaaat’s it, rápido, rápido – we got to get the heck up outta here.

ELMIRE

Throwin’ on the boosters, momma – give us a second to catch up at least! (ELMIRE reaches out to grab MADAME PERNELLE’s hand.)

MADAME PERNELLE

Don’t need no escort, honey – no, you just stay right back there. Long goodbye’s about the last thing I need.

ELMIRE

And here I was thinking we had a nice day planned, just for you - then all of a sudden you rush off without an excuse? I’m heartbroken, just heartbroken!

MADAME PERNELLE (Oblivious to the faint sarcasm:) I don’t give a hoot in a hot place how you feel about it! I’ve had it up to my ears with this house. Flippy’ll tell you, I just about lose my mind coming here. By the time I leave I’m hotter than a three-dollar pistol in the month of July! Ain’t nobody in this rat hole got a lick ‘o horse sense in ‘em – nothin’ but happy-go-lucky, prancin’ along like a peacock, letting any old thought run through their lemon – feels like Bourbon Street in the summertime - ‘n every time I try ‘n teach ‘em some good-honest principles, I get wrangled by a team of lawyers! No, no thank you - don’t need that in my life - I’d sooner leave.

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DORINE

Well if you-

MADAME PERNELLE

And here’s the perfect example! You better learn to reel it in and keep it in, missy - you run that mouth o’ yours like there’s no tomorrow, you’re stubborn as a Mississippi mule, and you got no place meddlin’ in people’s business. One of these days it’s gonna come back and bite ya! Don’t gimme that smile, this ain’t a joke! You’ll be out on your own lookin’ for a new job if you don’t watch it.

DAMIS

Hol’ up-

MADAME PERNELLE

No, you listen to me, young feller - you’re my grandson, which means I ain’t cuttin’ you no slack. There ain’t much going on in that noodle of yours, it’s plainer’n a brown paper bag, so you might as well straighten up and start actin’ right! I mean look at ‘cha! (She smacks his fitted hat off his head.) Don’t know what kind ‘o gol’darn hippity-hop mumbo-jumbo you’ve been watchin’ on the TV but for the love of Pete, clean it up! Your daddy thinks you’re dead weight ‘n I ain’t gon’ be the one to tell him he’s wrong!

MARIANE

I think-

MADAME PERNELLE

Oh, look who decided to chime in! Baby sister, such a sweet little girl, never wants to rustle nobody’s feathers. Well lemme tell you: I ain’t buyin’ it! There’s such a thing as being too quiet; ain’t nothin’ to trust ‘bout a patch of still water! You got a way about ‘cha makes me think you’re purt’near cookin’ up a ruckus.

ELMIRE

Now hang on, momma-

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MADAME PERNELLE

Not until I’m good ‘n ready, honey-pie. This is liable to sting a little bit, but I’m gonna serve it to you straight: my grandkids deserve a proper role model in life, and from what I can see you ain’t too cut out for the job! Out there gussied up like some kinda fairy Lord-knows-what – who you tryin’ to impress? Besides your husband? Yeah, that’s what I thought - don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya! I gotta step around thirty shopping bags just to get to the living room - this ain’t the Las Vegas strip last I checked! My boy’s first wife was a real pain in my sit-upon, but she ain’t lookin’ too bad next to you!

CLÉANTE

But surely you will concede that-

MADAME PERNELLE

Here comes her brother! Now for you, I must say, I hold nothing but respect and admiration in my heart o’ hearts. But I ain’t in the business of mincin’ words so here comes the rub: if I was my son, and you were my brother-in-law, I wouldn’t let you in my house for all the halos in heaven! I mean, criminy, you get to mashin’ my buttons tryin’ to parcel out that two-bit fiddle-faddle philosophizin’ to anybody you can sucker into listenin’! It ain’t right!

DAMIS

Yo das’ fucked doe - how come I ain’t hear you say that when Tartuffe be in here, ‘n his ass be trippin’ all over our morals ‘n shit?

MADAME PERNELLE

(Smacking DAMIS on the forehead) Boy, watch your mouth! That there’s a properly decent man! And ‘bout the only good thing this family’s got goin’. Boils me right up knowin’ good Mr. Tartuffe’s got a little barm-stick crack-brain like you tryin’ to tell ‘im where he gets off.

DAMIS

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Oh you think you mad? What about us? We out here every day wit’ him hikin’ on us ‘n preachin’ that bullshit like he’s the fuckin’ Messiah! You don’t own me, bro! Why you think I can’t even chill in my own crib, why? ‘Cuz I know any second he gon’ try ‘n stroke me over on some wild shit, some shit that don’t even matter! Makes no sense, yo, I’m tellin’ you, straight up: I had it wit’ his bitch ass.

DORINE

Word, honestly though, I can’t even play like I’m’a take him up on his views, ‘cuz then it’s like I’m fessin’ that everything I do is fuckin’ blasphemy! He got me paranoid, tryna dissect every little move we make, like why he so obsessed with us?

MADAME PERNELLE

Honey, it’s a real shame you can’t even realize he’s got his eye where it counts! Thanks to this man, y’all got your first chance at some down-flat true-as-steel salvation! You oughta be on your knees praisin’ the lord my son ever introduced you to him.

DAMIS

OK ma, I’m’a be real witchu now – I will never, ever, receive that dude amicably into my life - an’ that’s it, it’s done. Presentation over. Why would I lie to myself? I can’t mess wit’ his attitude, and I don’t need his ass up in our business, ‘cuz his shit is wack and it don’t mean nothin’ to me. And don’t be stupid, do not push me on this! You have been warned; I’m plucked and if he tries to run up on me again I’m finna bust that chucklehead douche nozzle skull wide open.

DORINE

OK, without even disagreeing with... most of that - can we please consider the fact that this clown was looking straight homeless the day he came in here? I mean how do you not own shoes, dude? He had, like, a Starbucks card, that’s it. Messed up, right? Homie needed us way, way more than we needed him, and now he out here walking around now like he’s the Gospel according to Alexander the Great or some shit? I can’t.

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MADAME PERNELLE

Oh yeah? Well there’s no doubt in my mind it’d be goin’ a whole lot smoother ‘round here if y’all quit fightin’ with him and tried listenin’ for a change.

DORINE

He’s a saint in your eyes but I do not play that shit – he’s a tool, he’s a bum, he’s a damn hypocrite.

MADAME PERNELLE

(Gasps) You got some nerve missy! Learn a litle respect!

DORINE

Pfff! Look at me. Observe, how little I care. And that same shit goes for his little candy-ass sidekick Laurent – the two of them get no love from me.

MADAME PERNELLE

What his assistant wants to do ain’t no skin off my nose – I only look to the man in charge. It’s obvious to me you folks only resent him ‘cause deep down, you know he’s right! Any way you wanna slice it, it’s the truth – and you’re all scared to death to admit it. He ain’t got no other motive but savin’ your soul from eternal pernicious hellfire; y’all wouldn’t know a good deed if someone smacked you upside the head with it.

DORINE

Yeah aight, whatever whatever – but how bout this cute little habit he’s got now - I’m talking about him gettin’ all Eagle-Eye Cherry, friggen grillin’ like a Cutlass at every brotha that rolls up to the crib! What, now Jesus an’ the Holy Spirit gon’ be offended at us trying to kick it with some guests? People gotta blow off steam now and then - we ain’t gotta justify that to nobody! (Beat) Man, I gotta spell it out for you? I’m sayin’, he don’t even try ‘n hide it at all - any dude that comes over here, any dude, he be hoverin’ over my girl actin’ wow jealous, like it’s honestly sad.

MADAME PERNELLE

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Darlin’ I suggest that next time you pause and reflect on yourself before goin’ ‘n makin’ a crooked statement like that. Lately, he ain’t the only one takin’ issue with the shindigs happenin’ at this address. What about all the decent folk that’s livin’ down the street? You think they appreciate it when you got cars comin’ up late at night, blarin’ that vulgar party music all willy-nilly – honey, this ain’t that kind o’ neighborhood! The locals get to talkin’ and then they hit the warpath. Now I’d hate to be judgin’ unfairly, and y’all probably got nothin’ to hide, but would it kill you to act a little more civilized?

CLÉANTE

If I might be so bold as to put forth my belief, madam, a life without superfluous chatter would be impossibly dull! And what an encumbrance it is to wish to sufflaminate the camaraderie of others lest one be targeted by wayward gossip. Do you sincerely contend to foreclose on free speech? It would be a practical impossibility for all time! Why not divest the tittle-tattle of its power over you, and focus instead on a righteous existence? The muckrakers will have their day.

DORINE

I know that cross-eyed bitch Daphne down the block with her little boyfriend been talkin’ shit about us. What ‘chu gotta realize is, the people who spread rumors do it because they don’t want that attention on them; see, they get all excited when they get a hold of something juicy ‘cuz they know they can spin it to make ‘emselves look better. What’s the best way to get away with shit? Blame it on somebody else first. I ain’t gon’ worry ‘bout it though – they gon’ get it sooner or later – nobody be talkin’ that much trash who’s ain’t guilty of something, you feel me?

MADAME PERNELLE

Honey, those ain’t nothin’ but empty words in my book. I’ll tell you one thing - your neighbor Orante is a good Christian woman who wouldn’t harm a fly, but all the hootin’ and hollerin’ that goes on at this house got her madder’n a hen in a hailstorm.

DORINE

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This is a great example, actually - take your girl Orante: she actin’ proper, she got class, manners, you know, whatever. But f’real ‘doe, you on one if you think she live her whole life like that. She ain’t doin’ it ‘cuz she a good person deep down – she do it cuz she old as hell! It’s like a reaction - you throw it back to her younger days, know what I’m sayin’ back when she had a little booty on her, yeah, you know, and she was playing the fuck outta those boys! All day, I mean they used to be on her like glasses on coasters. But then, she see the style gettin’ a little played out, and you know gravity starts doin’ what it does – now she don’t get those looks on the street like she used to and look at that, she all mad at the world! She gets all stuck up like she wanna punish everybody, all ‘cuz she ain’t got it like that no more. I’ve seen this shit happen over and over: bitches can’t compete so they bound to get salty. It ain’t about morals, ain’t about decency, nothin’: ‘ts about spite, that’s it! Why they gotta ruin it for other people just because they past their prime, I’ll never understand it.

MADAME PERNELLE

You can spin your tales all you want honey-bun, it ain’t gonna bother me nothin’. I swear it, Elmire, it takes an act o’ congress to get a word in ‘round these parts, ‘specially when you got this little missy chattermaggin’ to her heart’s content. But I’m fixin’ to give you what’s on my mind: first thing’s first, y’all better get it straight through your thick heads: what my baby’s done, in bringing Mr. Tartuffe into his home... well, he ain’t never had so much sense his entire life. Our lord and savior knew in his infinite wisdom what kinda hell y’all was raisin’ in this house and he sent Mr. Tartuffe here to teach yeh how to live right! If y’all care even one piddlin’ bit about your redemption you better pay real close attention to what Mr. Tartuffe got to say, or else by and by you’ll be dead as a doornail and your soul’ll be colder ‘n a witch’s tit in a brass brazier (DORINE laughs) - and I ain’t sayin’ that to be funny, I mean it! Quit all this commotion and carryin’ on! I ain’t heard one decent remark since the minute I stepped foot in this dump, just a whole bunch ‘o bitchin’ and moanin’ and talkin’ nasty about folks in the community. Well let me be the one to say it: a black snake knows the way to the hen’s nest; ‘fore long you’ll be reapin’ what you been sowin’: castin’ aspersions on all’em decent

22

people, runnin’ that mouth every which-way over town... all that gossip don’t do nobody any good. Just the other day I was at my doctor and he said to me, he said it’s a regular Tower of Babylon at that house, and I said doc, you hit the nail on the head: nothin’ but folks babblin’ left ‘n right, no tellin’ what they even sayin’ half the time. And then he says to me - (TO CLÉANTE:) boy, I see you there snickerin’ at me, I don’t appreciate it one bit! Y’all can yuk it up with the rest of the Mickey Mouse club, see what it does to me! (To ELMIRE:) Honey, I think it’s best I head on home; talkin’ like this got me madder ‘n a hornet. And just so it’s clear, I don’t plan on bein back’ for a good long while. (Whistles for FLIPOTE.) Flippy! Vamos! Move, you little tramp, we’re goin’ home. Git! Oh you’re gonna remember this ass-whoopin, little lady, soon as I’m done with you... Scene 2 – CLÉANTE, DORINE

CLÉANTE

I perceive no advantage in prolonging the valediction – for it would only incite another insufferable exchange. How that old woman could possibly–

DORINE

Ha! Damn, I kinda wish she heard that - I mean, she probably ain’t been referred to as a woman in a long-ass time. She’d think you was hittin’ on her ‘n shit. She might smack you for sayin’ she old, though.

CLÉANTE

What an ugly display of choler she evinced – and over such trifles at that - not to mention how enamored she is with Tartuffe!

DORINE

Hell, you oughta see how her son be lookin’ at him – a lot worse than her, I’ll tell you that. Dude’s got it real bad. I used to respect him, y’know back when he used to think on his own. But ever since Tartuffe started bummin’ off him, I see him walking around like, straight possessed or somethin’. He’s showin’ him the type o’ love he don’t even

23

show to his family, pretendin’ like they go way back – which they don’t - I mean he basically just met the mothafucka! Shit is out of control, with like, Tartuffe gettin’ him to confess all this shit to him, takin’ all his advice and what not - shit I wouldn’t even do to my boyfriend ya hurd me? I’m talkin’ ‘bout some real like intimate associations bein’ established with them – it’s mad weird right? I mean he got him sittin’ at the head the of table in his own damn house! This fool is stuffin’ his face hard, I mean he goin’ in on every meal, pickin’ up all them choice cuts, like no, bitch, you cannot have my pork chop! It was placed in front of me for a reason. Plus when you got my man rushin’ over to say “God bless you” to every little sound he hears - I mean honestly, please, give me a fuckin’ break. Tartuffe got him hooked, I’m tellin’ you, the situation is lookin’ grim, dog: Orgon be tryin’ to jack his style on every little shit he does, like the thirst is crazy, I’m sorry. Tartuffe could be talkin’ some random-ass shit he seen on a fortune cookie and Orgon would think he’s quotin’ him scripture. But Tartuffe, you know, he’s a slick mothafucka too, he knows he got him in his pocket. He exploits that shit. Bleedin’ him dry why he tells us how to live our lives. Even that dipshit Laurent gettin’ in the game, patronizing piece of shit... I’m tight. Two days ago he came jacked up like a hoop-dee, tellin’ me I wear too much makeup?! He kept talkin’ shit about my rings - he even tried to jack my momma’s scarf, right off my head! Tellin’ me silk is the fabric of the devil... man I’m done. Scene 3 – ELMIRE, MARIANE, DAMIS, CLÉANTE, DORINE

ELMIRE

Boy, she’s a real peach – had just enough left in the tank to hit me at the door with one last laundry list of malfeasances; you guys were very wise to not to come along. Though I did happen to spot my husband coming down the road... I’ll wait for him to come find me upstairs.

CLÉANTE

I can spare a brief salus, but I mustn’t be detained here much longer.

DAMIS

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Ey yo-yo-yo, my mans, hol’ up - do me this one time ‘fore you dip – you think you can, y’know, talk to my dad, break me off a little read on’nat Mariane-wedding situation? You do that for me? Real talk, I got a gut feelin’ Tartuffe, his bitch-ass finna break the shit up, and you know he gonna wanna rope my pops into seein’ it his way. Dawg, please, I got a lot ridin’ on this shit: we got Valère tryna beat with my sister and I’m trying to get it poppin’ with his, ya feel me? I can’t be like-

DORINE

Whooop - incoming. Scene 4 – ORGON, CLÉANTE, DORINE

ORGON

Woo! My brother, what’s shakin’ bacon?

CLÉANTE

What winsome happenstance, to meet with your arrival just as my bell of quittance was sounding. I presume in the countryside they still await the change of season.

ORGON

Dorine (To CLÉANTE:) - hang tight there brother, don’t leave just yet – you wouldn’t mind if I get her to fill me in real quick on anything I might’a missed while I was gone? Gotta get that weight off my mind! (To DORINE:) Hit me with the two-day update Dorine, what’s everybody up to? How’s the mood around the estate?

DORINE

Well on the night you left your wife was positively burnin’ up with a fever - her head was killin’ her so bad she couldn’t see out into the hallway.

ORGON

And what about Tartuffe?

DORINE

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That guy? Oh he’s fine, he’s livin’ that dolce vita let me tell ya, he’s... he’s got a real glow about him.

ORGON

Bless his poor soul!

DORINE

Seeing Elmire at the dinner table was like staring death right in the face. She couldn’t eat a thing, not one thing, could barely lift up her fork, her head was splittin’ so bad.

ORGON

And what about Tartuffe?

DORINE

Oh, oh he ate - he was gettin’ his big-boy chow on, no doubt about. Had him some of those lil’ roasted quails he likes, ‘bout half a wheel of brie cheese, and then he absolutely crushed a tri-tip steak.

ORGON

Bless his poor soul!

DORINE

Your wife had not slept at all when the sun came up the next morning. Couldn’t physically close her eyes, like she was petrified - her whole body was on fire – the sweat was soaking through to the box spring. We stayed up with her all night; I was scared!

ORGON

And what about Tartuffe?

DORINE

Well at the end of the meal you could start to see him gettin’ all squinty and drowsy, looking like De Niro after

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a pig roast. Then he marched into his room, got all up in’nem toasty linens, and passed the F out, cold.

ORGON

Bless his poor soul!

DORINE We begged her and begged her to take something for the pain until she finally gave up and took a codeine pill. It was the only way we could get her to sleep.

ORGON

And what about Tartuffe?

DORINE

Oh was damn sure perky as can be come this morning! Slept like an angel – you could tell. He had so much energy that he drained a whole bottle of Bordeaux at lunch. I’m assuming he was toasting to Elmire’s recovery.

ORGON

Bless his poor soul!

DORINE

Yeah... it’s definitely the picture of health around here... all systems point to ‘go.’ (beat) I’m gonna run ahead and just let your wife know you’re here... I really hope I can convey to her the, uh, breadth of your compassion. Scene 5 – ORGON, CLÉANTE

CLÉANTE

Come now, brother - do acknowledge that she has just made sport of you directly to your face. And with no wish to solicit your ire, I am compelled to submit to you my conviction that this renegade bearing is altogether defensible. Have we failed to effectively ventilate this pestersome vagary? Has one man placed such a strangulating

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spell over your faculties that it would denude all other matters of their due surveillance? After such magnanimity, such a vivacious beau geste, in your resuscitating him, delivering him from the most abject straits, even shepherding him into your own home—

ORGON

(Putting up his hand:) Don’t start in like that, brother - not when you don’t have a clue who you’re talkin’ about.

CLÉANTE

Even your most earnest endorsement could not persuade me to commune with him further – though, in order that we may decipher this man’s true nature–

ORGON

Now hang on there, hold on - see, you’re my brother, which is why I’m gonna tell it to you straight like this – you’re missing out. Plain and simple – and you don’t even want to give him a chance? Oh, that’s big time, big time missin’ out. Day or two with us, ‘n I’m tellin’ you, buddy, you’re golden - I mean, feels like my soul’s on an island vacation and my heart’s on a joyride down to the coast, and it never stops! I never felt so... in tune with the world. See, this fella, see he’s a fella that, well he’s the type who – ahh, what a guy! ‘ts like I got Mozart playin’ in my head all day long, like a soundtrack. I swear he and I get to talkin’ and just like that, I was a new man. He’s got me lettin’ go of all my earthly attachments: no room in my soul for trifles and pettiness of any kind. You take my mother, my brother, my wife and my kids – kill ‘em all on the spot, right in front of me: I’m tellin ya, I’m so at peace with myself, I wouldn’t even flinch.

CLÉANTE

Such a vive portrait of benevolence, my ears have never beheld!

ORGON If you’d’a been there like I was when he first rolled into town, then maybe our friendship wouldn’t be such a hopeless mystery to you. I’d see him every day at church, wide-eyed

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like a lil’ Basset hound, and he’d be kneelin’ right up close to the altar. I got lucky, bein’ I was right across from him, but every set of eyes on God’s green acre was watchin’ and fixatin’ on him. He wasn’t no hot-doggin’ Bible-belt grandstander neither: he was the real deal. Folks just about melted into a puddle, the way he was shootin’ those prayers up to heaven. Givin’ these delicate little sighs, all meek and to himself, kissin’ the ground - I’m talkin’ all the stops! He even flagged me down as I was leaving to make sure I got my share of the holy water – I thought, this guy’s unbelievable. He had a little friend taggin’ along with him, real good kid, and he got to breakin’ down for me the direness of the financial imprecation that had befallen him. I said heck, I’ll be more ‘n happy to chip in! So I did; but being of the relentless good nature that he was, he’d always try and fish me back a little somethin’ of it. “That’s way too much!” he’d tell me – “I’ll settle for half, that’s it! You confer on me a sympathy that is hardly deserved.” So after I told him, in so many words, that he could take that idea and direct it towards a certain unmentionable region, he walked right out and redistributes my charity to those bums sittin’ outside! (Shaking his head, smiling:) Ever since the good Lord graced us with his presence in my familial abode, well, life can’t get much sweeter. He’s got an eye over this place like a red-tailed hawk – and he’s so gracious, he’d even do me the personal courtesy of keeping extra-close tabs on my wife! The minute some poor sap starts makin’ eyes at her, he’ll swoop right in – heck, he gets more worked up over it than I do! And don’t even think about questioning the pureness of his devotion: he just about crucifies himself over the tiniest, most trivial little nothin’ ain’t worth a hill o’ beans – it’ll just about break his heart in half. Good example, just the other day he squished an ant by the sugar bowl, and the poor guy was almost in tears, scared he had killed it usin’ too much aggression.

CLÉANTE

By the bones of Rameses! You’ve gone exceedingly far off your onion now. In spewing this moronic babblery have you any other ambition but to scandalize me and malign my intellect? What is your thesis, amidst all the driveling, decerebrate, bee-headed stultiloquence I’ve just heard?

ORGON

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Easy does it there, brother – this conversation’s gettin’ a little fast, little loose for my taste. From what I see, you might be the one who needs his head checked. Now, I’ve been keepin’ it nice and civilized with you, tryin’ to pass along my principles, but if you keep makin’ this difficult, I can’t promise there won’t be trouble down the line.

CLÉANTE

Allow me to belay the stump speech of your coach-fellows. Blind as they are: this is how they wish the whole world to be. Suddenly, to employ a functioning set of eyes is an intimation of sacrilege; he who fails to cling to these unscrupulous pageantries is said to denounce and disgrace all that is holy. Well have at me then! And behold what little trepidation in me your blathering inspires. This resounding contestation is my own, and I beg the Lord to explore every avenue of my soul. We shall not bend to your pettifogging minstrels, at whose hands piety is travestied at the same rate as valor. And since we seldom glimpse the terrain of the truly intrepid among us, so we are left to judge our heroes only by the racket they incite. Those earnest devotees, whose only mandate is their perficient example, would never sink to such flagrant contrivances. Great smoldering Vesuvius! Are you so inattentive to the line which exists between hypocrisy and devotion? You would compile them under the same heading if you could! At a masquerade ball, would you approach the other guests and compliment their candor? There’s no severing what’s earnest from brazen forgery, no dissolving what’s true from its winking veneer. What prevents you from walking up to a person’s shadow, asking it to dinner, and then settling the tab with spurious bills? By the flocculent goats of Kashmir, man is a curious breed! Seldom patrolling the path of good virtue, he twists to offload the trammel of pure reason. He defiles principles by distending their margins, warping what is righteous, trumping all its noble standing, all for the desolate glory of some petty advantage. I only wish to impart these words to you in passing, my dear brother.

ORGON

(With naked irony; deliberately hokey:) Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit – we got ourselves an ee-meritus scholar! (Pretending to call ELMIRE:) Honey, when’s the

30

next big pickup? We got encyclopedias to unload! Don’t need ‘em no more – your brother, yeah he’s got allll the answers! Jeez, this whole time, I had no i-dea we had a professor in the family! You’re like a regular Arnold Einstein, like a Sig-man Froyd or somethin’ – must be a real pain in the neck puttin’ up with us yo-yo’s all day long, huh?

CLÉANTE

Brother, I do not purport to be a preeminent philosopher, nor would I ever profess to maintain a singular grasp of man’s intellect. But despite my limited percipience, I assure you that I can distinguish quite cleanly between what is bona fide and what is simply a sham. Just as there can be no hero more valiant than those pure-hearted servants of God, and thereupon no earthly element more precious than the efflorescent fervor of a quenchless devotee, I consider nothing to be more pernicious, more grossly repellent, than the snide facade of a fraudulent believer; those craven charlatans, those fair-weather worshippers, who hither and yon defile hallowed ground with their obsequious gaze, and desecrate all that is blessed and revered by the good denizens of our nation. Those opportunistic scoundrels make a bezesteen of faith, snatching up principal and capital with fandangous winks and fallacious sighs. Watch them clamber up Jacob’s ladder with their hypertrophied zeal – not in hopes of salvation, mind you, but instead some piddling, pistareen gains. Each day before the congregation they smolder and supplicate, touting redemption and celestial grace. They calibrate their piety to offset their sins; they are wily and splenial, akratic and hollow. And when electing to malign some unfortunate soul, they need only feign a superbient oath to our heavenly Father and the contemptible deed is acquitted straight off. But unhinged and incensed, O the havoc that lies ahead! How swiftly they impugn us with that which we hold dear, and that flame, which in worship amasses untold cachet, makes white-hot a holy dagger to carve out our hearts. Replete as the world is with these rankling ringers, the well-conditioned heart - one utterly clear of falsehood, makes its presence known to all like a crocus in spring. And brother, our era is brimming with paragons of virtue: look to Ariston, look to Periander – to Orontes or Alcidamas, to Polydorus or Clitander – who would dare bring forward calumnies against them? Set against the impudent phantastry of those pious braggadocios – these

31

icons would never subscribe to such an ugsome charade! Their merciful hearts are steadfast as the sun’s rays. Their agenda is not to rebuff and rebuke our most trivial choices, like so many surquidious buzzards; such a practice carries too much hubris and spite. Yielding this asinine stricture to others, they seek to enlighten only by virtue of their principled acts. To them, the clamor of evil has minimal drift; rather, their soul is adept at discerning the good. They harbor no penchant for collusion or graft: an existence that’s pure, both in action and thought, is all they propose to achieve on this earth. The sinner himself in them triggers no wrath – they reserve their hostility strictly for sin, and they would never condescend in heaven’s name to vehemence that heaven itself was loath to inflict. On these men I enact a most fervent salute – may they remain at the vanguard of all our actions, and shepherd our ways for as long as we live. Your associate inescapably merits none of these bouquets. And no matter how stalwart, how affectionate, how wholesome your adherence to his emanations may be, I will continue to insist that you are utterly beguiled, brother: to a tee.

ORGON Oh is that the end? Did you get it all off your chest, pal?

CLÉANTE

I believe I have.

ORGON

Good. I’ll catch ya on the flip-side. (He turns to leave.)

CLÉANTE

Tarry but a moment, good brother, that I may have one last word. Let us abandon, shall we, this particular theme. (Beat) You are indeed cognizant of the moment Valère took your sworn oath that he shall become your son-in-law.

ORGON

You betcha.

CLÉANTE

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And you have established a date on which this farrand espousal will obvene.

ORGON

Affirmative.

CLÉANTE

What pretext have you then to delay the nuptials?

ORGON

Couldn’t tell ya.

CLÉANTE

Does some fresh intimation give you cause to rethink?

ORGON

It’s possible.

CLÉANTE

Do you intend to renege on your contract?

ORGON

Now don’t go puttin’ words in my mouth.

CLÉANTE

Upon my soul I can conceive of no reason why you should not uphold that which has been forsworn!

ORGON

Details.

CLÉANTE

All this sophistry for a mere confirmation! Valère has petitioned me to broach the matter with you.

ORGON

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(Now toying on his cell phone:) Hosanna, it’s gonna be a scorcher tomorrow.

CLÉANTE

But what tidings can I bring to appease him?

ORGON

Go with sump’n that sounds good.

CLÉANTE

I refuse to withdraw ‘til I have gleaned your position. Reveal it to me this second!

ORGON

Only to do what the man upstairs wants.

CLÉANTE

If I may seize this opportunity, to simply clear the air: I repeat, Valère’s faith - his very happiness - rests in you. Will you uphold it or won’t you?

ORGON

So long, fella. (Exits)

CLÉANTE

(Alone) I fear for his love, which soon may be thwarted. I’ll run to alert him – this must be reported.

ACT II

Scene 1 – ORGON, MARIANE

ORGON

Mariane!

MARIANE

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In here, daddy.

ORGON

Huddle up with me now – daddy’s got a little somethin’ for your ears and your ears only.

MARIANE

(As ORGON is poking through the closet) Whatcha lookin’ for?

ORGON

Just gettin’ a reading on our surroundings here, makin’ sure we don’t have any covert operatives listen’ in on us. ‘Cuz let me tell you, this’d be a dandy place to hide. (Pause) And it appears we are secure! (ORGON sits back down) Now I’ve known this to be true for quite some time, and it ain’t no secret to the world either: you, darlin’, you got a heart sweeter ‘n a sugar boat on a river ‘o honey. And even if that wasn’t true all the time – heaven forbid – you know you’d always be my baby girl. MARIANE

Daddy, please – you know your love means the world to me.

ORGON Sweetheart, hearin’ you say that brings so much joy to my heart. Now, far be it from me to tell you how to run your life - that’s not what I’m doin’ – but, if you wanted to guarantee that that love you care about so much stays right where it belongs, all’s I ask is you make your old man’s happiness your number one priority. That’s a fair trade where I come from.

MARIANE

You know I do, daddy – that’s never gonna change.

ORGON

Well, dynamite, I’m thrilled to hear it. So now, talk to me. How’s it been livin’ with Tartuffe around the house?

35

MARIANE

You mean, like, for me?

ORGON

I mean for you. And I don’t want any fluff now – take your time and think on it, then you give me a real answer.

MARIANE

Oh God! I might as well just tell you what you want to hear.

ORGON

That’s an A-1 idea, you’re talkin’ daddy’s language now! I’ll just start you off, get the ball rollin’ for ya – why don’t you, y’know, if you want, comment on how he walks around with an aura that radiates the glory o’ God... that his presence makes your heart wanna swell up and chirp like a meadowlark... and that you’d be tickled pink, up over the harvest moon if I went ahead and hitched you two up in the style of holy matrimony. That sounds like you, doesn’t it? (MARIANE is perfectly still, in shock.)

MARIANE

Does that... wait- ORGON

Well?

MARIANE

You’re sayin’-

ORGON What?

MARIANE

Am I, like, missing something?

ORGON

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I don’t know, are you?

MARIANE

Daddy, wait: whose presence are you sayin’ should make my heart chirp like a meadowlark? Who do you think I’d be tickled over the moon for if you hitched us up in holy matrimony?

ORGON

Well in’t it obvious? I’m talkin’ bout Tartuffe!

MARIANE

(Shaking) But daddy... I don’t feel any o’ that. I’ve never felt anything close to that. You wouldn’t want me to lie to you, would you daddy?

ORGON

No, cupcake, I most certainly do not. But I do want you to make it so it’s true. Which is why, with your future in mind, I’ve gone ahead and orchestrated the thing myself.

MARIANE

WHAT?! Ohmygod Daddy, wait, wait, are you sayin’-

ORGON

That’s right baby girl! I’m sayin’ it’s celebration time! And I’ll tell you the truth, you can kick and scream and work me all you want - it’ll be as useless as tits on a rattlesnake, ‘cuz what we’re fixin’ to have is a jubilant union of the families: Tartuffe and my Mariane in blessed, righteous wedlock. Mmm, mmm! You see, as the paterfamilias of this household I’m granted certain privileges, you know, kind of a blank check, if you see what I’m gettin’ at... Scene 2 – DORINE, ORGON, MARIANE

ORGON

Whoa there, hang on now. (Walking up to DORINE) You got a press pass to show? What are you even doing here? You got

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some mighty big huevos Dorine, just waltzin’ in, thinkin’ you get to listen in on our private conversation – but that is what you do, isn’t it?

DORINE

Well you know how it is, bitches down at the rumor mill, they be circulatin’ a lotta wack-ass misinformation and what not - and me, I’m not tryna be perpetuating that shit, feel me? So usually I just let it go. But then, today, this beat-down fool was tryin’ to gas me sayin’ we got a wedding goin’ down at the crib and I was like bro – that’s incorrect, don’t be comin’ at me crooked like that!

ORGON

Come on! Why, why is that so hard to believe?

DORINE

Are you listenin’ to yourself? Yo, one time – you may think I’m buggin’, but trust me: the feeling is mutual.

ORGON

You don’t know squat – once you hear my story, I’ll have ya on board faster’n tumbleweeds in a tornado!

DORINE

Aw yeah, OK, I see you Billy Shakes, go on, cut me off a slice ‘o that narra-tive. I could use some entertainment.

ORGON

The deal is imminent, Do-Do bird. That ink is gonna be drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic, and once it is, you ain’t gon’ have nothin’ left to whine about.

DORINE

You wylin’!

ORGON

(To MARIANE:) Don’t you worry baby doll, we’re still on for what we discussed earlier.

38

DORINE

(Likewise to MARIANE:) C’mon girl, don’t let ya pops front on you like that! He ain’t ‘bout it!

ORGON

I’m ‘on tell you this once more-

DORINE

You can tell it to me once, you can tell it to me a thousand frickin’ times – you talkin’ still ain’t worth a dime.

ORGON

Lord help me, Dorine ‘cuz I am fit to be tied...

DORINE Ahright ahright, chillax, OK? My bad, we get it, you’re tellin’ the truth – on the rilla though, you’d be lookin’ a lot better if you was lyin’. But damn Papa dukes! I’m a little fuzzy on this, so if you wouldn’t mind explainin’ somethin’ to me real quick: how can a sensible-ass, no-nonsense-havin’ motha-crusha like yourself, with such an exquisite and robust mustache as you do possess - don’t deny that, it is glorious – be out here gettin’ played like it’s recess by some tight-ass...

ORGON

Now you listen to me: you’re in my house, on my property, and I’m gettin’ a lil’ tired of all your yackety-yack, grantin’ yourself all these... conversational liberties, y’understand? And I ain’t in the mood to be repeatin’ myself, y’hear me?

DORINE

Man why’ont you just marinate for a second? You ain’t gotta get all heated up in this popsicle stick, c’mon now... let’s keep it civilized, boo! Straight up though, the homies gon’ ridicule yo’ ass over this shit. You know damn well that dude ain’t tryin’ to mack it witcha daughter – he

39

out here hustlin’, I mean he’s schemin’ on some other shit. What the fuck’s in it for you anyway? You got dem duckets playa! What’chu wanna let some broke dick get all up in ya lineage fo’?

ORGON

You shut your cake hole, lady! Now it ain’t no covert secret that he currently populates the realm of the f’nancially bereaved. What’s more is we owe him our blessings and admirations on account o’ that very destitution. Hard times have befallen on him, vis-a-vis no fault of his own; as a matter o’ fact, in the eyes of the good Lord, he’s a heck of a lot more redeemed than we are, in this house, with these hip little frills all over the place; he has willfully deprived himself of that dinglefuzz, the reason bein’ our go-go MTV lifestyle don’t hold a luminaria to the kingdom of eternal salvation he’s fixin’ to land in. So you see that my charitable subsidies will permit him to obtain a level of social palatability, while also just plain helpin’ him feel a little better about his situation on Earth. Y’need t’understand - where he comes from, if you ain’t holdin’ some capital, ain’t nobody gonna respeckcha. He might not have that type o’ respect at the moment, but he sure as heck deserves it from us.

DORINE

Mmm, yeah he out here every day talkin’ that same noise to us, like he a gentleman and all’at. Now I’m no theo-logian, but that shit smells like a conflict of interest to me. How you gon’ act all churchy and innocent like you the fricken Pope or some shit, then go ‘n floss on us like you a big dog, like you all that ‘n a bag o’ Frito-Lay? C’mon blood, if you really finna be dedicated like that, then we don’t wanna listen to you put on fo’ ya district. Shit is OD cocky – like what’s the point? But OK, I see you squirmin’, feelin’ disrespected, so let’s forget about his wack-ass heritage and lemme hitchu wit’ my feelings on him as an individual. I mean, what’s really good – are you tryna tell me it wouldn’t piss you off havin’ some bent-ass, bootlickin’, candy-ass jabroni fuck nut controllin’ ya daughter? Does it not occur to you that we live in a society, feel me – that when you pull shit like this, at some point you gon’ have to ride the beef? I mean, when you press ya baby girl into marryin’ some butt plug who she

40

doesn’t even like? – that shit is cold, B, like a Eskimo dick, man, that shit is so cold. And you best believe if she ain’t feelin’ it, that’s gonna throw dirt all over that sweet little disposition o’ hers tha’chu love so much. Swear down, she gon’ lose that drive to be a good person early if she get the impression he don’t deserve that side o’ her. There’s a lotta salty-as-fuck Tiger Woods-ass trife bitches runnin’ ‘round here that’s just what they man make ‘em out to be – tell me, who’s gonna wanna stay loyal to a piece of shit like that? And when she’s out here rackin’ up all that bad juju ‘cuz she hate her husband, Jesus gonna be comin’ for you, not for her – you drew it up, pop – you precipitated that shit. So goddamn, just vegitate for a minute, get ya mind right before you go and dig that kinda grave for y’self.

ORGON

She needs to learn there’s a right way and a wrong way to livin’!

DORINE

And I’m sayin’ you’d be a lot better off peepin’ my recommendations.

ORGON

(To MARIANE:) Come on now, sweet pea, we shouldn’t be indulgin’ her carryin’ on like this. I’m your daddy, ‘member? And daddy knows best, dun’t he? Now I had gone ahead and given my blessing to Valère on the subject o’ his proposal – but it’s come to my knowledge, via the municipal grapevine, that he likes to spend a fair bit ‘o time tryin’ his luck at the tables, studyin’ the ol’ California prayer book... so I would be remiss if I didn’t act on my suspicions of him as personifying the very essence of delinquency and perversion. His presence at service on Sunday is, shall I say, far from habitual.

DORINE

Oh I see, so maybe I should just give him the drop on ya schedule, huh? Y’all can coordinate the times and show up together, hand in hand, with ya bowties on – just like all those other goons who ain’t there for no reason but to get they ass noticed.

41

ORGON

Nobody’s askin’ for your two cents on this, Dorine. (To MARIANE:) You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about, angel-face. Tartuffe’s sittin’ so close to the Good Lord he can just about lean over ‘n slap him some skin – and that there’s the most precious commodity around. Formin’ a union with him’s gonna be like somebody granted every wish you ever coulda wanted – nothin’ but pink cupcakes and diamond bracelets, baby girl, from here on out! Y’all are gonna be shacked up cozier ‘n a couple ‘o chickadees in a wool sock, soakin’ up that m’nogamistic bliss like there’s no tomorrow! Y’all ain’t gonna be squibblin’ or squabblin’, no petty contra-tempsin’, no sir – and that’s a promise! He’s all yours, darlin’ – make him into whatever you want.

DORINE How ‘bout some dipshit who gets cheated on? You down for her to make him into that?

ORGON

Cheese and crackers, Dorine! You still givin’ me lip?

DORINE Man, you can see it in his eyes, that dude’s gon’ get cuckolded out the yang, I’m callin’ it. I mean, all due respect and all, but the shit just feels predestined to me – and ya lil’ cookie-face boo-boo tweetie-bird here can’t do a damn thing to stop it.

ORGON

How ‘bout you go fifteen seconds without interruptin’ our conversation, huh? How ‘bout givin’ that a try? ‘Stead ‘o hornin’ in on our business, on sump’n that doesn’t even concern you?

DORINE

Eyyo cool runnings, poppa bear – I’m doin’ this f’y’all’s benefit, not mine. (Every time ORGON turns to speak to MARIANE, she interrupts.)

42

ORGON

Well how ‘bout easin’ off on the empathy, Mother Theresa, ‘cuz it ain’t appreciated. Please, just cork it from now on.

DORINE

I just got all this love inside, for you, you know-

ORGON

Nope, hold it right there, no need, please – you don’t love me.

DORINE

Ohhoho I’m’a love you, big daddy, you ain’t gotta worry about that!

ORGON

Criminy!

DORINE

Man, you know I got ‘cho back like chiroprac’! We been at this for a long time, me ‘n you, and you treat me good, Papa Smurf, real good – but I can’t just stand all idly by while you get juked by some ass-clown who don’t give two coconuts about you! I know you ain’t tryna be no laughingstock!

ORGON

Don’t you ever take a break?

DORINE

Man, don’t trip – it’s this girl’s future we’re talkin’ about! I got a conscience too, shit, I got values! You let her marry this dude, now I can’t sleep at night!

ORGON

43

You just shut your ball-washin’ hood-rat whore mouth before I—

DORINE Eyyyo!! Hold onto the got-damn tele-phone, hit pause - I know I didn’t just witness a crime – I thought you were a man of God! I thought you had principles! I ain’t heard o’ no church-goin’ brothas that get get all twisted up, poppin’ off with all types o’ nasty-ass aspersions and vilifications and shit like that! Man, watch ya mouth!

ORGON

Lord help me, it’s true: I’m all... riled up on account ‘o all your... (Struggles to avoid profanity) diddle-daddle. All I’m askin, please, I’m beggin’ ya – just... stay quiet and let me conduct my conversation in peace.

DORINE

Yeah ok, no, that works, you do ya thing, chicken wing. But just ‘cuz I don’t say nothin’, don’t mean I ain’t got somethin’ cookin’ on the mindgrapes.

ORGON

Fine by me – you think to your heart’s content. Just don’t go thinkin’ your way into thinkin’ it’d be a good idea to share what you’re thinkin’ with me, ‘cuz you’d be in for an honest-to-God grade-A -- you know, that’s enough for me. I’m gonna turn around now.(Turning back to MARIANE:) Baby, you know I ain’t one to jump into sump’n spur-of-the-moment. You gotta understand though, I’ve been rackin’ my noodle over this thing like you wouldn’t believe, and-

DORINE

This shit got me tight! How you gon’ tell me I can’t speak? (DORINE shuts up as soon as ORGON turns his head.)

ORGON Now I know he ain’t no Leonardo Capriccio or nothin’, I know he ain’t winnin’ no beauty contests, but Tartuffe, see, he got that special quality in’nim that-

44

DORINE

You serious? Shit, I must be a freak ‘cuz I think he fine as hell. I mean, he got dem beady lil’ eyes lookin’ atcha, and you know the lil’ scruffy, the lil’ (Brushing her chin)... whatever he got there, you know I’m feelin’ that – man I’ll tap dat ass all into next week!

ORGON

(ORGON turns menacingly towards DORINE as he continues) – even if you ain’t, you know, too keen on all the other, y’know, the particulars, you still gonna-

DORINE

Oh yeah! My girl’s gettin’ it right now, flashy lifestyle, we ‘bout to turn up in here! (Beat.) But real talk though, if that was me in the situation, you betcha ass I wouldn’t let a muthafucka run up on me and twist my arm into no marriage agreement! We could be at the damn reception, I could have my dress on, it don’t fuckin’ matter - I’d still tell him, straight up, he betta’ watch his ass - ‘cuz a lady always be set to flip the script on her man.

ORGON

So... you’re just gonna forget about our agreement?

DORINE

Whatchu all over me for? I ain’t talkin’ to you.

ORGON

I’d sure love to know what you’re doin’ then.

DORINE

I’m talkin’ t’mah damn self.

ORGON

(Beat.) Well ain’t that just a piece o’ pudding. See, I get no pleasure from resortin’ to violence, but if my acts of diplomacy ain’t doin’ the trick, then I’m gon’ just have to

45

get medieval on your hide til’ you start showin’ me some proper respect! (ORGON holds his arm in a position to slap DORINE with the back of his hand before turning his head back to MARIANE. DORINE remains stoic.) Now listen, honey - this isn’t really up for negotiation. We’re fixin’ to whip up a wedding here real soon, and the man I’ve chosen to be the groom is — (To DORINE:) nothin’ you want to say to yourself?

DORINE

Nah B, I’m straight.

ORGON

Not even a teeny little word? There’s gotta be sump’n.

DORINE

I ain’t tryna contribute right now.

ORGON

Sure ya are! C’mon, we’re all listenin’.

DORINE

Man, I ain’t stupid!

ORGON

(Turning back to MARIANE:) You’re daddy’s girl, y’hear me? You got one job - that’s mindin’ what daddy tells you, and if I say this marriage is on, I don’t wanna see you rollin’ your eyes about it.

DORINE

Try ‘n entrap my ass into marryin’ a weasel-ass dude like that... shit is gross, yo, makes me sick, I ‘ont get down like that. I’m out. (ORGON takes a swing at DORINE but misses. DORINE exits.)

ORGON

46

Mariane, I don’t need to tell you, we got a varmint on the loose. It’s a doggone infestation in here, and my problem is I ain’t got the means to address the situation in a way that’s, you know, decently Christian. I’m all buggered up in the head, I ain’t fit to be discussin’ this with you right now... that good-for-nothin’ sassafras got me madder’n a one-legged lady at the IHOP. Imm’on take fifteen, get a little air, get my wits about me... Scene 3 – DORINE, MARIANE

DORINE

Hey! Little Miss Silence of the Lambs – did you forget how to open ya mouth? You want me to write your thank-you notes and do ya taxes and wipe ya ass too while I’m at it? I’m up here takin’ hella risks and shit tryna cover f’yo ass so you can maybe, I don’t know – not make a decision that’ll ruin ya life – and you ain’t doin’ dick to back me up!

MARIANE

But you see how he is, he controls everything... what am I supposed to do?

DORINE

You get up on ya grown woman shit and you do whatchu need to do avoid gettin’ served up like a goddamn pig roast up in here.

MARIANE

But... how though?

DORINE You gotta be real wit’ him! Tell ‘im he can’t make your heart feel some typa love if you ain’t feel’ it y’self. Tell ‘im when the time comes f’you to get wifed up it’ll be ‘cuz you found somebody who’s gon’ really hold you down – not ‘cuz it’s convenient for him. And seein’ as you kinda the cornerstone o’ this whole operation, na’im sayin’, we wouldn’t be here if it wun’t f’you, that means you runnin’ this bitch, you callin’ the shots – ya husband gotta be

47

about makin you feel good, and notcha dad. ‘Cuz I mean, if ya daddy really thirsty for Tartuffe like that, if he think they could, y’know, vibe o’ whateva, tell ‘im he can throw a ring on it and be out!

MARIANE

But Dorine... he’s my dad, it’s like... he’s got this power over me. I’d never be able to say that stuff to him.

DORINE

Hold up, let’s just meditate fo’ a minute. Young Valère, as I’m sure you know, has been puttin’ in that work. My man’s been grindin’. I mean, he’s tryna lock that ass down. So let me pose the question directly: do you love Valère, or do you not love Valère?

MARIANE

Do-rine! I- I- that’s so unfair! How can you even ask that question? Here I am, pourin’ out my heart to you for weeks, for months, Dorine – I mean, what doubts could you possibly have at this point?

DORINE

Yeah I know you been talkin’ that talk – but that shit is cheap, ya dig? How’m I supposed to know for sure that you feelin’ all’em Disney-type emotions deep inside ya heart?

MARIANE

I can’t believe you Dorine. I’m really insulted that you wouldn’t even take me at my word, after all the times I’ve repeated myself.

DORINE

Yo quit stallin’ – you tryn’a be in there or not?

MARIANE

Of course I am! I love him, I love him more than anything in the world!

DORINE

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And based on what you’ve observed, you would assume he feels the same way.

MARIANE

I know he does.

DORINE

And both o’ y’all finna get married, like, right the eff now?

MARIANE

Totally, like, this second.

DORINE

So... this whole thing with Tartuffe, y’dad... what’s the word on that? C’mon honey, we in the huddle right now, n’a mean, what’s the game plan?

MARIANE

If that guy comes anywhere near me with a ring, I’m gonna swallow like 45 Advil liqui-gels and that’s gonna be it.

DORINE

Oh... oh brah-fricken-vo. That’s on point right there, that shit is dice - did you go to Harvard? You must be a genius o’ somethin’, ‘cuz that shit hadn’t even crossed my mind. My momma musta threw some paint chips in my oatmeal when I was a kid because my dumbass never would’a even considered such a reasonable, practical, well-crafted, constructive solution to ya lil’ predicament – you can just kill yourself! It’s beautiful! You get props f’this one. I usually hate it when mah’fuckas take the easy way out.

MARIANE

Jesus, Dorine, stop it, you’re freaking me out! This is, like, a really hard time for me, so how about being a little more sensitive, ok?

DORINE

49

OK, I apologize... but you know, I don’t typically like to show my sensitivity to triflin’-ass lil’ pussies who wanna fold like some knockoff Prada suit when it’s time to step the fuck up!

MARIANE

I don’t get what you want... I, I’m like, really not a fan of confrontation, so, like, I don’t know what to do.

DORINE

Don’t gimme that shit girl – you’re in love! You just said so! You need to tap into that vitality, feel me? You gotta have that swag comin’ outcha skin!

MARIANE

You think I don’t feel that way when he’s with me? God, Dorine.... anyway, he’s the man, right? He should be the one dealing with daddy, not me!

DORINE

Don’t even come at me with that weak-ass logic! You tryna say that just because y’daddy happens to be a bigheaded bumbofuck buffoon who’s trippin’ so hard that Tartuffe got him sittin’ on his lap sharin’ a GOT-damn strawberry milkshake out the same straw, who’s such a scumbag that now he tryna screw you over and cancel the wedding he promised you – you wanna go tell Valère that’s his mess he gotta deal with? Nn-nn, girl, you wrong f’dat, I’m sorry.

MARIANE But I’m gonna feel like such a bitch if I turn him down... plus, I don’t want Valère to think I’m, like, obsessed with him or something... I mean is it really worth getting to marry the person I want if it means my dad’s gonna hate me forever? Also, like – this is my business, you know? If I make a big deal about marrying Tartuffe, everyone’s gonna think I’m just some spoiled brat who-

DORINE

50

Yeah, yeah, I feel ya, I’m witcha. I know you not lookin’ to deal with all’at hoopla ‘n shit. I mean, clearly you tryna sign those papers and be Mrs. Tartuffe – so we good money then! You know ‘cuz I definitely ain’t tryna run ya life f’ya - that’s all you, n’a mean, that’s your prerogative. This wedding’s gonna be on ‘n poppin stat, and me, I’m in no position to discourage that shit. I must be buggin’ too, tryin’ to make you second-guess yourself – you ‘bout to get hit wit dat ill matrimonial hookup girl! No lie, we talkin’ about Mista TAR-TUFFE right now - oooowheee, that’s a fly-ass dude – nah, fuck it - that’s a man right there! That brotha’s cooler than Denzel on a off day – he ain’t even gotta sweat about provin’ it to nobody! Class is on point. From this point on, you two gon’ be that corona and lime, all the damn time – those perks gon’ be off the chain, you already know! Every mothafucka in the game be on his tip... dude is signin’ autographs, kissin’ babies and shit when he goes home... how does he stay so humble!? Plus, I mean, let’s keep it real: he got them lil’ rosy cheeks, that bubble butt... ooh girl you done hit the jackpot!

MARIANE

OHHHMIIIGODDDDD...

DORINE

What about that ring ‘doe? How many diamonds you think? What’s ya birthstone? Aw shit, how ‘bout that reception ‘doe, you two gonna be gettin’ down on the parquet, man it’s gonna be so frickin’ beautiful... (DORINE pretends to well up) aw hell where da Kleenex at?

MARIANE

UGH! Stop it, Dorine, I’m not kidding, pleeease, cut it out! You gotta come up with a plan – I can’t marry him! I can’t! Seriously, I don’t care about anything, whatever you think’ll work, I’ll do it, just tell me!

DORINE Oh hell no! Have you lost ya mind? I ain’t about to negotiate on this – we’re talkin’ ‘bout ya pops right there, that’s the man that gave you life – if he tells you you gotta marry some nappy-ass no-teeth-havin’ crackhead

51

from the corner you betcha ass you’re walkin’ down that aisle! And you gon’ be cheesin’ like you just won the lottery! I’m pickin’ up some ungrateful vibes from you right now and I have no idea why – this shit’s gon’ be cake! Cake cake cake! Y’all roll up in the 7-series Beemer where da fam be - I heard they got some estate-type joint out there, somethin’ like, palatial and shit – say what up to everybody: aunts, uncles, cousins, gettin’ down with the whole crew – they love you, obviously. Hospitality is crazy. Soon you’re choppin’ it up with the big wigs, the high societies, that creamy del creamy, ya dig? Socialite status, postin’ up at the mayor’s crib, throwin’ down with models – they’ll have you sittin’ at the head o’ the table – guest of honor ‘n shit! I’m talkin’ velvet ropes, VIP, New Years Eve poppin’ bottles... picture that wit’ a Kodak! And you got your husband with you the whole time, he ain’t never leave ya side-

MARIANE

Ahhhhh Dorine I’m gonna dieeee... give me something that’s gonna help me, not something that’s gonna make me want to slit my wrists!

DORINE

(Ironically tipping her cap and turning to go:) M’lady.

MARIANE

Stop!! Oh my god Dorine, please-

DORINE

How ya gonna learn? If you don’t accept the shit and move on? Just let it happen!

MARIANE

Dorine!

DORINE

I ain’t here.

MARIANE

52

What do I have to say to-

DORINE

Bitch please! You made the bed, now yo’ ass gon’ sleep in the bed. And that bed is called marryin’ Tartuffe.

MARIANE

What about all the times you gave me advice?! Doriiiiine you know you’re the only one I can talk to about this... just gimme-

DORINE

I aintcha therapist! The practice is closed, indefinitely! It’s about to be Tartuffasaurus Rex, all day, everyday in this mothafucka!

MARIANE

OK fine, Dorine, fine! Whatever! I guess all this time I wasn’t aware that you had a robot heart made out of... cement! And poison! And death! And... ah, just go, it’s fine, just... leave me alone with my sadness. At least my sadness cares enough about me to listen! I can probably just ask my sadness for some helpful advice. (Stands staring at DORINE, then abruptly turns to leave.)

DORINE

Eyyo! (MARIANE freezes.) Getcha whiney-ass back here. Forget that shit. I ain’t mad. Gimme a hug. (DORINE swings open her arms. MARIANE bashfully accepts.)

MARIANE

You get it though, right? I mean, if my dad actually makes me go through with this, it means I will literally, 100% have no reason to live, and I’ll probably have to hang myself.

DORINE

53

Yo, why are you buggin’? Just be cool Em... c’mon we got this! This’s how it’s goin’ down: we just- oh shit, boo alert, this is a boo alert, not a drill – V-baby, comin’ in hot... Scene 4 – VALÈRE, MARIANE, DORINE

VALÈRE

Oh hey guys, so - this is interesting, very interesting actually, you’ll like this: I just got wind of some news. Yup, some news, some news just, scooted its little way across my radar. I had not heard this news until just recently. Is it good news? Is it not good news? I think it’s probably good news because-

MARIANE

What.

VALÈRE

I heard that you were getting married. And when I asked who, they told me it was some guy named... I want to say, Tartoof-ie? Know anyone by that name?

MARIANE

It’s all my dad, he’s got this whole... thing, he’s planning, it’s such a big deal-

VALÈRE

Oh your dad? Your dad who - I just had a conversation with your dad, not too long ago, in which he told me -

MARIANE

I know, I know, and then he changed his mind. He just dropped this on me, like, I don’t know, twenty minutes ago.

VALÈRE

Are you fucking kidding me?

MARIANE

54

No, dude, sadly I am not fucking kidding you. He’s like, on a mission - he’s never wanted anything so bad in his life.

VALÈRE

I see, I see. OK. No problem. But let me ask then, just out of curiosity: are you on board with this?

MARIANE

I don’t know.

VALÈRE Oh... kay, wow, kind of brutal. Um – so you just, you just don’t know, huh? You have no idea.

MARIANE

I don’t.

VALÈRE

Y’sure?

MARIANE

What do you think I should do?

VALÈRE

I? Well, as far as... “I” is concerned, I think you should marry him.

MARIANE Really. You think that.

VALÈRE

Ahhhbsolutely. Congratulations.

MARIANE

You 100% for realsies think I should marry him.

VALÈRE

55

Not even a speck of doubt in my mind – this right here is a once in a lifetime chance! You’d have to be completely insane to pass it up.

MARIANE

Well... thanks for the input, man. I might just have to do it now.

VALÈRE I’m thinking it’s not gonna be such a tough decision.

MARIANE

Maybe. At least, not as tough as it was for you to say that.

VALÈRE

Oh, me? (Soft chuckle) I’m... I- I’m just, I’m happy if you’re happy. I’m looking out for you, bottom line. Which is why... I... suggested that.

MARIANE

Awesome. That’s so great because guess what? All I ever wanted was to make you happy. So, yeah, I’ll just do it because of that reason.

DORINE

(Aside:) Look out, we ‘bout to get it crackalackin’ in here.

VALÈRE

So that’s it, huh? Our love means nothing to you? I’m just this... this sock puppet to you – we’re playing, we’re having fun, I’m the sock, you’re the hand, it’s all peachy, and then the sock starts to get a little dirty so you just... throw the sock away?

MARIANE

56

Wha- it is not OK to say that to me! You just told me like five seconds ago I should marry him for realsies because it’s what my dad wants! You said I should! I’m only doing this because you said so!

VALÈRE

OK, what is happening right now is actually bullshit – why are you even pretending like you care what I think? You clearly had already made up your mind to marry him before I even got here, and now you’re obviously projecting - you’re leveraging all your fucking guilt onto me so you can feel like I’m forcing you into making this decision, ‘cuz there’s no way you’d have the guts to make it on your own.

MARIANE

Wow. You’re like, a genius.

VALÈRE

I really, really must be. The thing is, I don’t actually care! At all! Because now I can see, with pristine and unprecedented clarity, that you never loved me.

MARIANE

Uh!! Well... you’re obviously allowed to think of it that way.

VALÈRE

Wow, thank you - it’s so great to have your permission – and I wouldn’t waste your time feeling grateful for my love either. This is how it breaks down: you, ruthlessly spurning me like the rabid, frigid bitch that you are, and me, perfectly satisfied knowing that at any point, I can march into any bar, or bookstore, or Trader Joe’s in this city and walk out with a girl who will love me and appreciate everything I have to offer.

MARIANE

Of course you can. I hope I’m there when it happens. God, I love a man with confidence, who knows exactly what he wants - it’s definitely one of your better qualities.

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VALÈRE Why don’t you just spare me any insight you have regarding my “qualities” – whatever they might be to you. At this point, it’s become unabashedly clear you’re not really such a fan. But there is a lucky lady out there, waiting, so patiently, to take my hand, welcome me into the closet of her heart, and wash out the chalky, bitter, festering taste of loss from my mouth. And since you have so generously granted me this convenient window of opportunity – I doubt she’ll be waiting too much longer.

MARIANE

Oh really? It’s that huge of a loss? ‘Cuz you and this new girl seem to have a great thing going. I’m so impressed - you’re just, like, taking everything in stride.

VALÈRE

Don’t think I’m not trying my absolute hardest - I am. Because when someone stabs you through the heart - cleanly, and repeatedly, with no inhibition of any kind – it triggers a battle cry, deep from within, where from that point forward you are fighting to protect the very legacy you will leave on this earth. Every last thread of your being must be devoted to shutting that person out of your mind. If you can’t do that, well... just fake it ‘til you make it. But whatever you do! - No matter how much you may ache, or seethe, or waver on the brink of total annihilation of the self – never, under any circumstances, should you surrender one shred of your affection to the person who tossed you out and left you for garbage.

MARIANE

I think it’s awesome you’re being so mature about this.

VALÈRE

You’re damn right it’s awesome; people could learn something from me. Tell me though, honestly, while we’re here - would you prefer it if I stayed in love with you? Forever? Always pining, yearning, choking on the smoldering embers of unrequited passion? Then watching you from a distance, sucking face with that guy at the mall with the neck tattoo who works at Cinnabon? I really think if one

58

day, you just saw me walking in the distance with my arm around another girl, it would send you into such a colossal tailspin of anguish and insecurity that they would have to pry you off the ground with a two-by-four.

MARIANE

Um, what? - No, no, wrong – I actually do want that for you, I want you to be happy, and I wish I was looking at you with another girl right now.

VALÈRE

Is that so? Right now?

MARIANE

I do.

VALÈRE

Pfff - wow, ok, fuck this, fuck everything, I’m gonna go. Hope you like what you see. (VALÈRE turns, takes a few hard steps, and then stops.)

MARIANE

Sounds great to me.

VALÈRE

(Whipping around) I hope you’re not forgetting that you are 100% responsible for everything that’s happening right now. All of it. I might be losing my shit over here, but just keep in mind, you brought that on yourself. (VALÈRE starts walking away.)

MARIANE

I get it.

VALÈRE

(Turning back) Oh, so you get that I’m not doing any of this by choice. Your callous fuckery, equals, determining

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factor, A.K.A. primary causality - ER-go, this whole miserable godforsaken shit parade. Great. (VALÈRE turns to go.)

MARIANE

You’re being very clear.

VALÈRE

Good, because I’m done. You’ll be reaping the rewards in no time.

MARIANE

Can’t wait.

VALÈRE

Lap it up, bitch! You’re not gonna see this handsome face again for the rest of your life.

MARIANE

Perfect timing! (VALÈRE turns and walks away. When HE gets to the door, HE pauses and turns back.)

VALÈRE

Wha’wazzat now?

MARIANE

Hwha?

VALÈRE

You di- uh, did you say something?

MARIANE

Nope. Must’a been a ghost.

VALÈRE

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(Beat.) Yeah. OK, well... bye.

MARIANE

K bye.

DORINE

Uuuuuuhhhhmmmm, well - if a muh’fucka was curious enough to consult my ass about the situation, I’d prolly tell’m y’all a couple o’ wylin’-ass, cupcake-bimbo fools for puttin’ on this fuckin’ Junior High crack circus in front ‘o me. I was finna let the shit run, thinkin’ you was gonna resolve it on y’own but now, nn nn, I ain’t here f’dat. Yo! VV Top! (VALÈRE has had his back turned, near the door. DORINE strides over to him and grabs his arm. HE resists overly dramatically.)

VALÈRE

Ah! Jesus Crist Dorine, what?!

DORINE

Man, get’cho ass over there.

VALÈRE

No! No, I won’t do it, I’m wiped out. I can’t be close to her – it’s too much strain on my battered heart. Plus she doesn’t even want me around; don’t make me go against her will, she’ll get all... y’know, vexed.

DORINE

Quit talkin’ that shit – I’ma smack you!

VALÈRE

You stop! Read the goddamn room, Dorine, the show’s over! Clear the auditorium. Sweep the stage. The audience goes home disappointed.

DORINE

What the fuck are you talking about?

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MARIANE

(Aside:) Oh God it’s killing him to look at me right now. I can’t, like, be here if he starts crying or something. I gotta give him some space, I’m gonna go.

(MARIANE starts to tiptoe away to the opposite exit. DORINE whirls around and runs to grab her.)

DORINE

Ey yo! Cinderella! What’chu think, you gon’ run off to the ball now?

MARIANE

Lemme go!

DORINE

We ain’t done in here! Attendance is fuckin’ mandatory.

MARIANE

Dorine, I’m serious, you’re making it worse. Let it go, I’m not staying here.

VALÈRE

(Aside:) This has gotta be torture for her, I’m making her so uncomfortable, just standing here - there’s no way she can relax. A real man would leave and give her the respect she deserves. (VALÈRE tiptoes to the exit. DORINE chases him down.)

DORINE

Oh hell no – you try’na dip out on me again?! Son, I see you! My vision is impregnable! You can’t pull that David Copperfield shit on me - I got this whooole bitch on lockdown. Now both o’ y’all gon’ quit bein’ a couple o’ sketchballs and stand wit’ me here fo’ a minute. Goddamn, shit is ridiculous...

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(DORINE pushes VALÈRE and MARIANE into the center of the room so that they eventually flank her on either side.)

VALÈRE

What’s the deal, Dorine?

MARIANE

Yeah, like, what are you trying to do?

DORINE

Y’all ‘bout to make the fuck up; it’s goin’ down right nnniddow – oh I’m serious as a heart attack, kids. You think I’m playin’, but I’m not - (To VALÈRE:) c’mon V-train, why you so salty, B?

VALÈRE

I’m sorry - were you not here when she was ripping into me with her talons?

DORINE

(To MARIANE:) C’mon bae, why you gettin’ all heated like a thermostat over this shit?

MARIANE

Are you kidding me? You weren’t here when he was acting in-sane and treating me like a monster? He literally just said I had talons.

DORINE

That’s it! Everybody cool out - ya both done fucked up, the shit is a given. (To VALÈRE:) C’mon, playa – look, look at my face – that’s ya girl right there, that’s wifey, that’s ya boo. You gotta feel me on this: she ain’t tryna be with no other dude. Take that witchu – what, you think she and I don’t talk? (DORINE turns to MARIANE:) Listen girlfriend – that man, that... ok I’ll call him a man right now, for the sake of... whatever – he is like, wow smitten wit’ yo’ ass – he ain’t got it in ‘im to love another chick. Homie wanna wife you up so goddamn bad it’s like a sickness. That’s on some truthful shit.

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MARIANE

What are you trying to tell me, Dorine?

VALÈRE

Why are you even bringing this up, Dorine?

DORINE

Y’all are some idiots, I swear. OK, we reunitin’ right now, let’s get it, ya freaky-ass bitches, getcha hands in. (To VALERE:) You, gimme ya hand.

VALÈRE

(Giving DORINE his hand:) Why do you need my hand, exactly?

DORINE

(To MARIANE:) Oh you ain’t exempt, honey, c’mon, ‘das all you.

MARIANE

(Likewise giving over her hand:) What are we even doing?

DORINE

Jesus Christ! Why y’all takin’ so long? Too much sex up in here t’be wastin’ my time like this... smell the fuckin’ pheromones! Y’all are straight clueless – here. (DORINE forces their hands together. MARIANE and VALÈRE hold hands without eye contact for a bit.)

VALÈRE

(To MARIANE:) Hey, why you gotta be so serious all the time, hm? You got some nice teeth, people want to see ‘em, y’know?. Just one man’s opinion. s (MARIANE turns slightly to VALÈRE and shows a faint smile.)

DORINE

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Aw ff— I’m done. But I guess you know it’s love when it makes you (Directly to the couple:) lose ya damn minds!

VALÈRE

(Breaking free from MARIANE, taking a step back.) Wait, wait, wait, hang on! Let’s just... let the collective jets cool down for a second – and in the meantime, technically, the way I’m reading the situation is: I still have grounds to entertain some beef with you. And in the interest of full disclosure, and since we’re clearly playing by Western rules of reconciliation, I have to wonder: would your recent statements to me, which were of a decidedly inflammatory and - I don’t think I’m being unfair when I say - venomous nature, would they NOT, in this case, qualify you as... I don’t know... a ginormous BITCH?

MARIANE

PUH-LEEZE, I honestly pray that you’re joking right now because if you’re not that would make you the most ungrateful, conceited—

DORINE

Y’all need to save the cute lil’ soap-operatics for the ride home. This ain’t no game, see, we gotta get cognitive in this bitch prontissimo, y’feel me, ‘cuz we tryna murk this wedding, point blank!

MARIANE

So give us jobs! Tell us what to do, what’s the plan?

DORINE

Oh we gon’ be on his ass like shit on Velcro, yes Lawd! (She clears her throat.) Big news outta KC tonight: local witnesses have confirmed that papa bear, aka the Orgomatic-3000, aka Macdaddy mustache - be actin’ a straight dunce on the Reggie Miller and it’s startin’ to piss muthafuckas off. So here it is: I’m’a need y’all to focus on keepin’ it reaaall chiiiillll... all day, every day, no exceptions. Y’all gotta be cooler than some three bean gazpacho. Get down with the sickness - all the lil’ plans ‘n shit – just so he ain’t got nuttin’ t’suss out, na’I’m sayin’. Once pops is comfortable, we just delay, delay, postpone, delay,

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and it’s all Gucci. Bottom line is we need time – we get some a little breathing room, we gon’ be straight. Annie, I seen you fake like you got the flu ‘n shit, hit ‘im wit’ summa dat. V-baby, I want you to make up some excuse why we gotta change up the date; say you seen a black cat walk under a ladder and bust up the side mirrors on ya whip wit’ a baseball bat - boom, now we got some more time. Shit is light work! Basically, it’s simple – as long as this one (Gesturing to MARIANE) don’t walk up in the spot with a white dress on and say ‘I do,’ then we cool as some dudes on‘nem waves out in Malibu. But just so we ‘ont ha’ no snafu’s, no problems, nuttin’, I’m ‘on request that ’y’all cut out any public displays of... bein’ in the same room together. We gotta keep this strictly professional. (To VALÈRE:) So if we’re clear, then my man, you gots t’bounce. But get ya boys in’on’is – lett’em know the deal, what we talked about, and make sure they protect ya neck ‘n don’t let you do nuttin’ stupid. The two of us gon’ get the kid D-Rock up to speed, then we gon’ holla at Elmire, ‘cuz we gon’ need her too. Aight? Let’s make it happen.

VALÈRE

(To MARIANE:) This... wow. (Beat.) This is gonna be some.. fucking mountain to climb. But... you’re my North Star, babe. I know you’ll be there to light the way. And all I can think about is what it’s gonna be like to meet you at the summit.

MARIANE

(To VALÈRE, swooning:) I don’t even care what my dad thinks. My heart belongs to one man and one man only: that’s you, Valère.

VALÈRE

Ah! You don’t even know what those words do to me... it’s like... you’re rushing through my veins... like, no matter what happens--

DORINE

Couples, man... they don’t fuckin’ stop! (To VALÈRE:) Yo, be out! Peace! (VALÈRE takes two steps away and turns around.)

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VALÈRE

You forget about how—

DORINE

(Grabbing the back of his shoulders and forcing him towards the door:) Nope, nope, she ain’t forget shit. Write it down, Romeo, save it f’da wedding. Or y’know, just text her. See ya.(DORINE pushes VALÈRE out the door before turning around and seeing MARIANE, who has been taking tiny shuffling steps in VALÈRE’s direction.) Nuh-uh! Girl, your door is thatta way, don’t even get it twisted... yeah, bye.

ACT III

Scene 1 – DAMIS, DORINE

DAMIS

Yo... on crip, I ain’t lyin’: put me in the ground with some shit like a Uzi, a MAC-11, a fuckin’ AK – I mean, like, you can go tell er’body in the hood I suck dick for a fuckin’ cheesy gordita crunch at tha Taco Bell if I ever feel some typa conscious that wanna stop me from bustin’ a cap inn’at punk-ass muthafucka. He finna get clapped, early- ey yo meet my Beretta, bitch!! West sieeeeede!! (DAMIS pretends to shoot someone violently, with relish.)

DORINE

Man, sit ‘cho corny ass down... you ain’t packin’ shit! You’d prolly put ya eye out wit’ a BB gun. Ya pops ain’t done nuttin’ but make a lil’ announcement – so chill, homie. He ain’t no dictator! He not God! How many times you think I ain’t done what he ask me to do? Shit, I’m out here doin’ me. You feel me? So what I mean is: pace, that’s the word you need to remember. We gots to pace it, baby, c’mon – can’t be makin’ moves all reckless ‘n what not. I need you onn’at slow grind right now, that Smokey Robinson.

DAMIS

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Yo, I don’t play that shit. If I think the fuckin’ ruckus needs bringin’, then it’s time to bring the fuckin’ ruckus! I’on’t fucks wit’ fake Christians, ‘das it. This wha’ I’ma do, I’m’a whisper a lil’ sump’n in his ear like, and he gon’ be type skurred, and then-

DORINE

Bitch, you crazy! You ain’t gon’ talk to nobody – not him, and not ‘cha father either. My girl Elmire gon’ step up, she gon’ handle that. She got Tartuffe on layaway... and he finna make a deposit, you know wh’I’m sayin’?! – He be sittin’ up straight, actin’ all polite and friendly and shit when she walk in the room... he get ‘dem nasty-ass pit stains too, I know you seen ‘dose. He might be tryna violate some commandments with her ass... but listen, real talk, I wish that boy would try ‘n put the moves on her: man that would be straight delectable! Shit got my hyped just thinkin ‘bout it – plus then we’d be done hearin yo’ bum ass wit’ dat crybaby shit every day up in here. She gon’ meet up with him ASAP, so I’m talkin’ soon, B, we ‘bout to get the inside scoop on that wedding y’hurd me... you ain’t gotta get heated no mo’, talkin’ all that belligerent shit ‘bout how you can’t marry ya girl - this is eyewitness news, yo, we got a bitch on the scene! She finna drop bombs, too – she gon’ let ‘im know if he sign off on this wedding, then he gon’ be dealin’ wit’ mad repercussions and shit, like he’d be crossin’ a big line... basically just sayin’ it would be a very fucked up thing for him to endorse. I asked his... you know his lil’ minion dude, I asked ‘im where his man at and he said he was prayin’, so I ain’t seen ‘im yet, but the dude also said he was ‘bout to come down, which means you gots t’get ghost, dawg.

DAMIS

Fuck no. I’m’a be posted up right here, the whole time.

DORINE

Muthafucka no you not! I need this shit to go down as planned, i.e. the two of them, alone, without you involved at all.

DAMIS

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I ain’t gon’ say nothin’.

DORINE

Ha! Now ‘das some bullshit. I seen you almost chokeslam a brotha for givin’ you a poppy seed bagel instead of a sesame! If there is one thing you do do well, it’s threatening people with violence and making situations uncomfortable for all parties involved. Squalay!

DAMIS

Yo, I’m tellin’ you, I really just wanna be here, and witness this shit, and not get mad.

DORINE

Fuck! Why are you so dumb!? That’s him, goddamn, just... get in the fuckin’ closet. (DORINE shoves DAMIS into the closet just in time.) Scene 2 – TARTUFFE, LAURENT (offstage), DORINE

TARTUFFE

...and throw my vestment on a hanger, Laurent – one of the good hangers, you know which ones – then offer a humble prayer to the Lord, that you should always feel the resplendent glory of His everlasting light. If anyone wants to get in touch with me, just tell them I’m over at the shelter again, scraping together the last of what I have to help those poor, neglected souls.

DORINE

(Aside:) Damn, yo, I can’t with this fake-ass, uppity, poser mothaf—

TARTUFFE

What can I do for you?

DORINE

I wanted to talk fo’ a minute-

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(TARTUFFE whips a handkerchief out of his pocket.)

TARTUFFE

Yeow! (Coughs) Oh... my precious coals, I implore you, my child, take this handkerchief before you say another word.

DORINE

Excuse me?

TARTUFFE

Please, extend me the simple courtesy of shielding your bosom; my eyes were never meant to see it. Many a chaste soul has been plunged into degeneracy over such visions, the likes of which can only give rise to wanton reverie.

DORINE

Oh, well! I can see that now and then you can be prone to a little uh... titillation? Can I say that? (She laughs.) Apparently it don’t take much! Drop a lil’ cleave and look atcha – sweatin’! I’m’a be honest wit’chu ‘doe – that shit don’t make a whole lotta sense to me. I mean, it could just be you gettin’ down, doin’ what you does, but for me, I ain’t gon’ fiend for somebody in a split second like that. Straight up – and I would prefer not to have to prove myself on this – but if you got butt-ass naked right now I swear to GOD that shit would not be sexy to me at all.

TARTUFFE

You have a simple choice: either you can adjust your tone, making it modest and befitting a lady, or I can walk out of this room right now.

DORINE

No need for either of those, ‘cuz I’m ‘bout to peace. I wanted to give you a lil’ heads-up though, jus’ so you know: the lady of the house ‘bout to come through, she on her way now, and she’d be so grateful to have a precious moment of your time.

TARTUFFE

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Is she! Well then, I am more than happy to oblige.

DORINE

(Aside:) I swear this dude is softer than some ring dings! Damn, I’m nice - instincts is on point.

TARTUFFE

Did she say she would be arriving soon?

DORINE

(Listening:) Uh yeah... pretty sure I hear her now... aw yeah, I know that’s her – I’m’a leave you two alone. Scene 3 – ELMIRE, TARTUFFE

TARTUFFE

(TARTUFFE walks towards ELMIRE until he is right in front of her by the last line:) May the infinite grace of His kingdom on high be a nourishing balm for the rest of your days. May He safeguard your health, both body and soul. And would that His noble blessings could even aspire to the passion of his servants’ most humble desires.

ELMIRE

Wow. I can’t tell you how honored I am by those... remarks – really, I am. But hold that thought – (Sidestepping TARTUFFE) let’s get us a couple chairs, shall we? I think chairs... would be good. For conversation.(ELMIRE puts a chair behind him; TARTUFFE sits.)

TARTUFFE

I take it you have fully recuperated from that dreadful bug?

ELMIRE

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I certainly have – you’re so sweet to ask. The fever went away, so... yeah, I’m good as new.

TARTUFFE

It is unreasonable to believe that my prayers alone could have ever prompted the Lord to bless us with this divine favor – yet for days now, I have not offered up a single plea that did not yearn for your immediate convalescence.

ELMIRE

Oh! That sounds... excessive, actually. I’m thinking any kind of yearning you do for me is probably unwarranted.

TARTUFFE

Your return to health is a treasure that renders all expressions of gratitude insufficient. In securing yours I would have readily sacrificed my own.

ELMIRE

Wait, what? – That’s crazy, I mean, that’s way, way beyond just Christian compassion. I could never repay you for being so... thoughtful and so... kind.

TARTUFFE

You deserve a thousand times more than I have even the power to provide.

ELMIRE

Uh-huh – well, I really was hoping to speak to you, privately, on a matter of... some delicacy... in here, where I know for sure there’s no one eavesdropping.

TARTUFFE

I won’t hide my delight at being deemed worthy of your confidence. And to add to that, I might simply acknowledge what a distinct pleasure it is to find myself sitting face-to-face with you, alone, at last. Prayers I have launched, in hopes that I might live to experience this vision, and now, at this very moment, I see I have been afforded my dream.

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ELMIRE

Right. Well. As far as, you know, me, and what I’m bringing to the table: I just want to be able to have a conversation and know for sure, especially on matters of the heart, that I’m getting the unequivocal, 100%, God-honest truth out of you.

TARTUFFE

I would scarcely tolerate anything less than the fullest disclosure from my soul to your ears. And while I openly admit to the commotion I have caused, regarding the recent influx of benign houseguests – unquestionably a natural consequence of your indelible charms – please note that my disapproval stemmed not from any hostility towards you; quite the opposite actually - I was blinded by the light of my own devotion, hampered by my relentless pursuit of...

ELMIRE

Don’t worry about it, really. I take it as a compliment. Your only concern was my safety.

TARTUFFE

(He takes her fingertips in his hands:) It was, it was indeed, all for your safety... something, which, I happen to be quite keen on protecting-

ELMIRE

(Pulling back:) Oooh... ouch! That’s quite the kung-fu grip you got there.

TARTUFFE

Ah - my zeal is overflowing. No particle of my being has ever once wished to hurt you; in fact, I would much rather... (TARTUFFE lays his hand on ELMIRE’s knee.)

ELMIRE

That hand... what’s it doing there?

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TARTUFFE

Studying your material – the texture is bewitching.

ELMIRE

Aha! Ah... take it off, please – I’m insanely ticklish.

(ELMIRE shifts her chair back a few feet, and TARTUFFE shifts his forward.)

TARTUFFE

Good God! This fabric... the artistry, the flawless craftsmanship that went into this stitching... it’s magnificent! The industries of today achieve unparalleled miracles – in the course of all history, mankind has never been so proficient at turning out so many beautiful creations.

ELMIRE

Not gonna argue with ya there! But if we could just circle back to our topic for a second, you know, while I have you here – there’s been some buzz, ‘round these parts, that this husband of mine is considering backing out of his promise and offering his daughter up... to you! Of all people, it’s you! So if you wouldn’t mind, I was hoping you could shed some light on that for me. Am I making it up? Are you even interested?

TARTUFFE

It was alluded to, briefly, on one occasion. But to be perfectly sincere with you, I know the happiness that I covet won’t proceed from this union; I must forage elsewhere, in hopes of unlocking that impermeable bliss, towards which all my most humble wishes converge.

ELMIRE

Right, right – all these mainstream, superficial desires make no impression on you whatsoever.

TARTUFFE

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Well I wouldn’t say my heart is made entirely of stone...

ELMIRE

I mean, at least from my perspective, it seems like you’re throwin’ all your chips on the man upstairs, because... well, nothing down here is really doin’ it for ya, right?

TARTUFFE

Let me tell you something: the love we feel when we let God in, when we entrust ourselves fully to Him – it’s indescribable. But our commitment to God’s word doesn’t dictate that we stop paying attention to the staggering beauty that surrounds us on a daily basis – I mean, have you seen His designs? I can state with absolute confidence that He has nailed the aesthetics portion of the program. And while I’m lucky enough to be sitting here in front of one of His latest and most impressive showpieces, I’ll say that He must not have been operating under any budgetary constraints when He cut the mold on you. He set you up with a face that would freeze you on the street and make you feel like you’re at the beach in Bora Bora. I look at you, and all I can do is sing praises to the heavenly Father for introducing the world to such a flawless creature, knowing full well that this face, which belongs in a museum and whose eyes look at me like I’m staring into the soul of Christ the redeemer, has put my heart in a figure-four leg lock with no chance of clemency in the foreseeable future. This love I sensed was real, it was undeniably verboten, and it terrified me. I thought Satan was greasin’ up the slope and layin’ down banana peels, just waiting for me to slip. You were the one thing standing in the way of my salvation, and the mere thought of making eye contact with you or brushing your sleeve made me want to implode. Then one day, my sweet, beautiful cherry-blossom, one day, it all coalesced, and I realized that this passion coursing through my veins is not shameful, or criminal all! I knew I had the necessary fortitude, the self-restraint, and the basic human decency to calibrate those feelings and keep myself from veering off the tracks into iniquity. Once I had established that... there was no reason to wait - I told myself to take the plunge. Now I’m fully aware how irreverent this seems, me putting my heart on the line for you, in this moment - but how could I stand to lose anything knowing my desire is in vain, and that the sole determining factor in all this would be the gift of your

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benevolence. But still, I am compelled to voice these thoughts. You are my haven, my oasis, my dispenser of dreams. I either wither up in debilitating loss or rejoice in unparalleled ecstasy – the choice is yours. I know I will be one of only two states: overjoyed or despondent, and it all depends on you.

ELMIRE

Wow, that is quite the romantic proposal. I gotta say though, I’m a little nonplussed... someone like you should be... keeping your cards closer to the vest, you know, emotionally speaking. Lock that stuff down, and maybe think it over next time? I mean, people talk about you like you’re a saint, like you’re this God-fearing, über-pious—

TARTUFFE

Aha! But to be a man of God, one must still be a man. And a man’s heart can’t expect to reason properly on its own when every single day he sees you floating by in broad daylight like some celestial popinjay. I know this must sound pretty baffling, coming from me, but you boil it all down, I’m here to tell you I am not an angel, and you can’t come down on me for voicing my sentiment without reproaching yourself for supplying the inspiration that led to it. From the very moment I glimpsed your preternatural radiance, I knew you would be the shepherdess to govern my heart’s teeming flock. The interminable rapture of a passing glance was enough to fell the heavy beams around my innermost soul. All conventional measures were thwarted: I fasted; I prayed on my knees for hours; I sobbed so hard one day, I almost threw out my back. I drew curtain after curtain over my heart but still your light shone through. I have spelled out sonnets with my sighs and penned novels with my eyes, but for clarity’s sake I’m now resorting to speech. So that if you should deign to descend, in tenderhearted compassion, to meet the hollow plight of me, your wretched slave - if the Lord prescribes that I should take divine refuge in your merciful arms, and if that indulgence should continue, and you should stoop to minister to me ‘til I’m swallowed up by the earth, well then, O my twinkling pearl, my fervent allegiance to you will be in a class unto itself. I’m giving you the genuine article – no double-dealing, nothing to tarnish or besmirch your good name. And when you look at these hotshot boy-toys that make all the women go gaga, it’s just a bunch of flashy gestures and empty words!

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They love one thing, and that’s spouting off about their escapades – oh, they couldn’t keep a good thing to themselves if they tried. Loose lips are fated to ruin good men, and those saccharine words do nothing but cheapen the altar where a respectable gentleman would humbly offer his devotion. Our hearts burn with the heat of a covert flame, and we know our love’s secret will be safe for all time. I guard your reputation with every last ounce of commitment that I bring to my own – because it’s only people like us, that when you welcome them into your heart, can show you what it means to love without shame and know pleasure without fear.

ELMIRE

(After a pause:) So, I’ve been listening to all this. And I’m quite clear on the message you’re putting across. But aren’t you in the least bit concerned that one night, when I’m lying in bed, and I’m in the mood to dish about this cosmic infatuation of yours, that my husband, now acutely aware of your passionate feelings for me, won’t immediately put the kibosh on your whole bromantic escapade?

TARTUFFE

I know you’re far too meek and mild to do a thing like that; that you would be lenient towards my foolhardy transgressions; that you would sooner chalk it up to the innumerable vices of mankind that can combine to produce such malignant entanglements of the heart. I can tell just looking at you: you would use common sense, and admit that I am only a man made of flesh, and blood, equipped with eyes that have never been blind.

ELMIRE

Well, I realize that others might handle the situation differently, but I’ve decided not to suppress my hardwired altruism. I won’t be telling my husband anything, but you’ll pay me back by insisting to him – and this is a deal breaker, mister - that the marriage between Valère and Mariane must take place, that you wouldn’t have it any other way; you are rejecting these abuses of paternal authority which would no sooner cut down one person’s happiness to provide for another’s; and— Scene 4 – ELMIRE, DAMIS, TARTUFFE

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DAMIS

(Bursting out of the closet:) NO fuckin’ way, nuh uh, y’all are not keepin’ this shit on the DL. I been up in that closet the whole time - I heard allll that bullshit, and now I’m ‘bout to get on my Christian duty flow, aka that’s God up in here sayin’ ey yo check this shifty-ass Judas mothafucka, tell him we ain’t got time fo’ dat two-face phony bullshit in this house, and if he wanna run up on me with that shit again, best believe I ain’t gon’ try and talk wit’ ‘im or say nuttin’ about nuttin’ – bitch, I’m’a kill ya. Dead ass, I don’t fuck around. But first, I’m’a holla at pop fo’ a minute, ‘cuz that dude needs to realize that this bitch-ass, backstabbin’ fuckstick is out here spittin’ game, talkin’ bout how he love you and shit!

ELMIRE

Damis, no. It’s under control. He knows he has to fix his behavior, OK? He’s working hard so he can be worthy of the forgiveness I’m showing him. I promised him, OK? Please don’t make me break that promise. I’m not the kind of person who likes to kick up controversy. Wives are used to hearing this kind of stuff; it’s funny to them. I’m not going to get my husband all riled up over something as trivial as this!

DAMIS

I know you got reasons, I know you got some typa logic behind doin’ what you’re doin’, but yo, I got reasons too, and I do my business a lil’ different. You talkin’ ‘bout forgiveness? This ain’t time for forgiveness! I’ve had this dude in the crosshairs since day one, and he been sidesteppin’ me real good, but the chemistry in this house is too fucked up! I ain’t here for that! It’s been weeks and this asshole’s still got my dad on a goddamn leash, not to mention I’m tryna get married, Valère’s tryna get married, and he’s been fucking our shit up! Pops gotta drop this scumbag like a bad habit – and I got the hook-up now baby, praise the Lord! Some cold, hard, evidence. I might start goin’ to church after all this blows over. I can’t fuckin’ ignore this shit when it’s right in front of me! God is slangin’ me some opportunity – if I don’t use it now, he might take it back!

ELMIRE

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Damis—

DAMIS

Nope, nuh-uh - all due respect, but fuck what you were about to say – I need to follow through on this, I’m tellin’ you, it’s a need. I’m puttin’ the team on my back! Man I’m ‘bout to be so fuckin’ ecstatic over this shit, y’all can’t even handle me right now. OK? So Jesus Christ, please, do not talk to me about how this dude don’t deserve what he about to get. The shit ends today. And the last item on my list just walked into the room. Scene 5 – ORGON, DAMIS, TARTUFFE, ELMIRE

DAMIS

OK dad, I’m ‘bout to hit you with that new-new, that exclusive drop you ain’t never heard – you gonna wanna sit down for this. My man Tartuffe is livin’ good right now, real good - and that’s all thanks to you. You get the credit f’dat. Everything you’ve done for him... he’s so grateful. He’s so dedicated to you, his commitment to you is so strong, that he just had to go and show us how much he cared – by sticking a knife right between your shoulder blades. Aw yeah, he in trouble now – I was in the closet over there and I heard him confessin’ all this romantic shit to Elmire – this dude wants to get up in ya wife, dad! And she, bein’ the sweet person we know she is, she don’t wanna tell nobody! She wanna dance around, pretendin’ like it ain’t happen – but me, I don’t play that shit. We talkin’ bout some mothafuckin’ transgressions here. So I’m like, if I don’t let you know, then I’m doin’ you just as bad as he is.

ELMIRE

Yes, it’s true – and I do stand behind the fact that a husband doesn’t deserve to be bothered over narcissistic exhibitions like the one I just witnessed. Nothing’s deserves to threaten his honor, because I’ve been in situations like this before and I do have certain strategies at my disposal. I’ve said my piece – and Damis, if you had any respect for me at all, you would have stayed in that closet and shut the hell up.

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(ELMIRE strides off.) Scene 6 – ORGON, DAMIS, TARTUFFE

ORGON

If I just heard what I think I heard – oh, sweet Mary Magdalene, is it true?

TARTUFFE

Oh yes, brother, oh yes. You heard it right – I’m an evil man, a shameful man, a loathsome sinner who’s rotten to the core – I’m the most vile, corrupt miscreant the earth has ever seen. My crimes grow more and more repugnant with every passing second - my life is like a hideous merry-go-round of delinquency and vice, and now the time of reckoning has come – God’s got his smiting stick out and He’s aiming for me. I will comply with any charge you bring; and I’ll spare you a meager testimony. All the rumors, you can take them to the bank: they’re all true. So come on! Rip my head off, get out all that rage and then kick me to the curb like the scum that I am. I’m not afraid of the humiliation I’ll feel when walk out that door because I know in my heart I deserve even more.

ORGON

(To DAMIS:) You no-good snake in the grass! Look what you did, you humiliated him!

DAMIS

WHAT?! He get a lil’ emotional and ‘das it, you forget about it?! Yo man how far up his ass are you-

ORGON

Boy you better shut that snitch mouth!

TARTUFFE

Oh let the boy talk! You’re being way too harsh with him when you ought to be hearing what he’s got to say. I mean, how can you in good faith give me the benefit of the doubt on this one? After all this time, do you really not get

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what I’m capable of? ‘Cuz I’ll tell ya, buddy – you can’t always go off appearances alone. You think I’m some boundless beacon of virtue just ‘cuz I can rattle off a few prayers? Looks are deceiving, brother, very deceiving. I’m a whole lot less honorable than people give me credit for. Everybody wants to pass me off as some sort of sanctified demigod... meanwhile, the bitter truth of the matter, what no one seems to realize, is that my soul ain’t worth diddly. (To DAMIS:) Go on young man, let it fly, gimme your worst – I’m a traitor, aren’t I? I’m perverted, I’m pathetic, I’m a washed-up old dingbat, right? You can get meaner than that I know it - stoop as low as you want, you won’t hear a peep out of me, ‘cuz I always knew I had it coming. I want your words to be like lashes on my skin for all the trespasses I’ve committed.

ORGON

(To TARTUFFE:) Hey, hey, go easy on yourself brother. (To DAMIS:) Would it kill ya to show a little compassion for once?

DAMIS

You serious right now?! Man, his shit is so played out, how do you even fall for that-

ORGON

Shut that mouth you good-for-nothin’ weasel! (To TARTUFFE:) Rise, brother! Stand up, for God’s sake. (To DAMIS:) You’re a real piece of work, you know that?

DAMIS

He’s just-

ORGON

I don’t want to hear it.

DAMIS

Man, NO! Come on pop! This shit got me heated like-

ORGON

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If I hear one more word outta you I’m going to take your arm and twist until something breaks.

TARTUFFE

Whoa nelly... a-hem, in the name of the Holy Spirit, brother, don’t let that anger get the best o’ you. I’d rather suffer the agony of eternal hellfire than let you harm a hair on this young man’s head for my sake.

ORGON

(To DAMIS:) You worthless snake!

TARTUFFE

Leave the boy alone! If I have to get down on bended knee and pray for his absolution, I’ll do it... (TARTUFFE kneels before ORGON.)

ORGON

(To TARTUFFE:) Is this a joke? (To DAMIS:) What you’re seeing right now is true devotion, you piece of trash.

DAMIS

Oh aight, so that’s-

ORGON

Silence!

DAMIS

Man shut up, I’m just-

ORGON

I said silence! Now - you think I don’t understand what this vendetta’s all about? Every person in this house wants to undermine my friend – I can see the hatred on all of your faces! I see it on my wife’s face, my children’s face, on the faces of the people on my payroll. Y’all are hatchin’ some kinda conspiracy where you get the pleasure of throwin’ this good man, this devoted follower of God’s word, out of my house. But I’m’a tell it to ya like this:

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the harder you try to evict this man, the harder I’m gonna work to keep him right here, starting by arranging that my only daughter and he be bound, eternally, in sanctified wedlock - just to give you smart-alecks a little somethin’ to suck on.

DAMIS

Oh so you gon’ straight up make him accept that?

ORGON

That’s what I said, traitor. And I’ll make it happen tonight too, just to piss you people off. Aha! I’ll stick it to all of ya, I’m not scared – Christ, it’s about time somebody started paying me some proper respect, since I’m the one runnin’ this ship! I’m the boss! So go on, you little punk, right here, right now: get on your knees and kiss his feet while you beg for forgiveness.

DAMIS

Pause – you askin’ me? I ain’t ‘bout to ‘pologize to no bogus fuckin’ wannabe Jesus-

ORGON

Oho! Still got a little fight left, huh, y’little squealer? You think callin’ people names is gonna help your cause? Well alright then – you’re gettin’ the belt, boy! Somebody get me my good belt. (To TARTUFFE:) Don’t try and hold me back this time. (To DAMIS:) I want you out of this house for good! And you better not be stupid enough to come crawlin’ back, y’hear me!

DAMIS

Yo chill, I got no problem leavin’, just that-

ORGON

Well, folks, time to clear out. Nothin’ left to stick around for here. Oh, but let me just add one thing: I’m cuttin’ you outta my will, kiddo – you get nothin’ from me. All I can hope for is the pleasure o’ one day spitting on your grave.

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Scene 7 – ORGON, TARTUFFE

ORGON

Talkin’ that obscene language to a proper man of God! I never raised no backtalkin’, blasphematin’...

TARTUFFE

(Aside:) Christ almighty - show this guy some mercy for the headache he’s givin’ me. (To ORGON:) If only you could grasp the displeasure I feel when someone tries to embitter my own brother against me...

ORGON

Don’t say it!

TARTUFFE

...And the idea that someone could be so ungrateful... it sends my heart plummeting into a glacial chasm of disaffection and despair. All the indignities I’m left to endure... my soul lays battered, so blitzed and besieged that if I keep my mouth open another moment I’ll die. (TARTUFFE buries his head in his hands, while ORGON runs to the door out through which he had chased DAMIS)

ORGON

(Shouting at DAMIS:) You criminal! I repent that my fist took pity on you, ‘cuz if I was thinkin’ straight you’d be lookin’ at a broken nose right now! (To TARTUFFE:) Easy-does-it now, brother, there’s nothin’ here to get angry about.

TARTUFFE

All this friction among family, all these pernicious debates... enough is enough. There’s a reason you can feel hostility hanging over these halls like a sticky mist... I brought it with me the day I walked in that door. Which is how I know it’s time for me to go, brother.

ORGON

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(Slight pause) Are you jokin’ me right now?

TARTUFFE

I can feel their hatred swirling all around; they’re banding together to spoil your image of me.

ORGON

Big deal! Does it look like any of it matters to me?

TARTUFFE

You can trust that they’ll follow up, and with persistence; their message may not appeal to you now, but after some time you might be more effectively persuaded.

ORGON

No way, hombre. Not gonna happen.

TARTUFFE

Aha! Listen brother, wives can very easily trick their husbands into thinking they’re calling the shots.

ORGON

Nope, nope, not me.

TARTUFFE

Let me go, now – they will have no reason to terrorize me when they find out I’m not here.

ORGON

This is my decision and you’re not going anywhere.

TARTUFFE

(Pause) Well if that’s the case... it will involve painful acts of atonement. But if you truly mean it...

ORGON

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Oh! I-

TARTUFFE

That’s enough then, we won’t belabor the point. However, I believe I may have resolved the nebulous issue concerning your better half... out of solicitude for both her integrity and for the preservation of our friendship, and as the only true method of circumventing the nature of gossip, I vow to avoid your wife at all costs; we will never step foot in the same--

ORGON

No. Here’s what’ll happen. Despite what anybody might think, you will be seen with her. I live to see folks get pissed off, makes me giddy as a schoolgirl to be honest with ya, so I need you two to be chained at the hip. And I’m not stopping there: just so they know I like to twist the knife, I’ve officially decided to give you exclusive access to all my inheritance – that’s right buddy, as soon as I can get it in writing, you’ll be my one and only legacy. You’ve been a good and honest friend to me, who’s earned the right to be my successor. You’re worth a whole lot more to me than my son, my wife, or my parents, that’s for sure. So what do you say to that? Do we have a deal?

TARTUFFE

Oh heaven... thy will be done!

ORGON

Bless your soul! I’ll call my lawyer and we’ll get this thing drawn up. Those jealous dogs can chew on that!

ACT IV

Scene 1 – CLÉANTE, TARTUFFE

CLÉANTE

Public discourse has risen to a maenadic pitch, and I will assure you, the din of these proceedings has left your reputation irrefragably marred; and now, my good sir, this

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moment of sporadic serendipity offers me the vantage to neatly submit you my snappy synopsis. I won’t deign to dissect each extemporate claim; my assessment derives from a cursory probe. Let us suppose what Damis propounds to be pure confabulation – that the indictments against you were doctored and false: then, would good Christian dogma not demand his acquittal, and vanquish in you the appetite for revenge? And would you acquiesce, in ensuring your welfare, that from the home of his father a son be expelled? Let these words be redoubled, and as candor marks my immutable station, know that your name citywide rings of abomination. If you complied with my conjecture, you would mitigate all matters, in order to avoid an apoplectic end. Release your paltry rage into the hands of the Lord, and reinstall the young man into the custody of his father.

TARTUFFE

Nectar of the lotus! – That’s everything I could hope for, truly, in my heart of hearts, it is; for that young man, my dear sir, I harbor not an ounce of resentment; I absolve him unconditionally – irreproachable he is, on all counts – and with all the flushness of my soul I yearn for his success in this world. But alas, the will of the Holy Father is decidedly disinclined to that arrangement, and if Damis should reappear at this address, then immediately I would be forced to withdraw. The young man has cast an inexpiable stone, and any future rapport with him would only spark controversy. Heaven can guess at how the public would construe it – they would label me Machiavelli, a meddling fiend, so bedeviled by shame that to soothe my accuser I’ve resorted to playing a benevolent game – that my warmth holds him hostage, and now he’s forced to endure the silence I secretly strive to secure.

CLÉANTE

These excuses amount to a tympanous crock: an unctuous, stilted, sophistic burlesque. What lamentable itch has dispatched your being to shoulder the office of heaven above? Has He summoned your succor to chastise the fallen? Please, the Lord needs no chaperone to administer vengeance. You ought to engage in pacific reprieve, relieving the world of your punitive sentence – and if you seek to conform to divine revelation, of your fellow man spare us the denunciation. I say! Should the nettlesome sting of a neighbor’s opinion deprive a laudable deed from

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its noble fruition? No, never! Let us always cleave to the behest of the Almighty King, and let no further precautions embrangle our spirits.

TARTUFFE

As I succeeded in mentioning earlier, I have issued him a reprieve with all the amplitude my heart can offer, which, kind sir, is wholly tantamount to the scheme of God’s word; but in the wake of this morning’s inglorious tiff, Providence appears diametrically opposed to our cohabitation.

CLÉANTE

Is Providence not similarly opposed, gracious sir, to your staunch ratification of a father’s corroboration with the whims of his son’s vagabond inflammation? Has He likewise ordained that you should promptly absorb the assets of your host - a munificent bequest, to which the pillars of civility allot you no claim?

TARTUFFE

Those well acquainted with my true nature would never theorize that this development could be driven by the slightest self-interest. I am hardly seduced by all the pampered indulgences on this terraqueous globe; their treacherous charms do little to inveigle me. Now then, if I have determined to accept this bestowal from a man who expressly prescribed it to me, I would have no other object than to allay my fear that some malevolent customer might take hold of said bounty – that a devious soul with an expedient brain might pounce on such spoils for nefarious gain, rejecting its use, turning down my design, as a deference to heaven and an aid to mankind.

CLÉANTE

Bah! My dear fellow, I implore you at once to vacate these fastidious fears, which might bring consternation if the rightful heir hears. And so, to dispense with the onus of your circumspection, simply permit the young man to speculate in the perils of his proper inheritance, all the while championing the principle that the young man’s prerogative to squander his trust far outmuscles your pretense of a salutary thrust. What expressly confounds me

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is that without so much as a trace of confusion, you would stoop to entertain this paternal delusion. Among the heartily devout, did I even once hear that admirable dictum that states descendants should be ravaged and consigned to be victims? Even if between yourself and Damis the canopy of heaven had somehow installed a mandate that barred you from sharing these walls, would it not then befit you, gentleman as you are, to compile your effects and then say au revoir? Flaunting inviolable tenets of reason, will you linger in these quarters, snug and protected, while a son from his childhood home is ejected? What more gallant a design to attest to your grace, than-

TARTUFFE

Sir, I regret to point out that the clock has struck three-thirty, and therefore I must attend to my Christian duties upstairs. I am hopeful you will pardon such a brusque decampment. (TARTUFFE exits.)

CLÉANTE

Grrah! Scene 2 – ELMIRE, MARIANE, DORINE, CLÉANTE

DORINE

Ey! Aquí capitano, we need’ja crafty ass on this thing, let’s get it right now, post-mothafuckin’ haste, aight? ‘Cuz we got a code red on the lil’ prima ballerina – morale is fuckin’ droppin’ like the elevator to the lobby, ya hurd? Her daddy tryna read dem marriage rites to-night and my girl is crackin’ like some seashells in a suitcase on a transcontinental flight, yes sir. He’s on the way now – you better get that brainstorm goin’ pop, the shit is not a drill – we got a ‘by any means necessary’ situation right now – we need to stop the bleeding, even if it means that somebody gotta bleed. Scene 3 - ORGON, ELMIRE, MARIANE, CLÉANTE, DORINE

ORGON

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Ah! What a pleasure it is to find you all gathered here. (To MARIANE:) This piece of paper in my hand represents the key to your lifelong happiness; I don’t imagine you’ll have any trouble finding where to sign.

MARIANE

Daddy, just hear me out. I have no choice but to beg God, the only one who understands the turmoil I feel, and do whatever else I can do to make your cold heart flinch – anything so that you might let go of your fatherly privilege over me, so maybe true love can overcome this ridiculous commitment to code! You can’t just force me to abide by your insane fantasy and expect that I won’t curse the Lord for making me your daughter. I mean Jesus, dad! This life you gave me... it’s an amazing gift, but why the H would you want me to be miserable during it? And if, even after watching me expose my tender heart, you still won’t allow me to spend my life with the man I have the nerve to fall in love with, at least have the human decency - I’m begging you on me knees, please – to spare me the agony of belonging to a man who I am literally repulsed by... and don’t, with this power you’re desperate to use, drive me to some action I’d be loathe to choose.

ORGON

(To himself, feeling his defenses weakening:) No. Nuh-uh. None of that achy-breaky stuff. You’re a big strong man.

MARIANE

You can love him all you want, really, it doesn’t bother me. Go on vacation for all I care, take out an ad in the paper – let him have your money, the house, and if that’s not enough, he can take what mom left for me; I’m honestly dead serious, he can have everything – but whatever you do, don’t include me, my body, in one of your deep expressions of gratitude – I’d rather you just let me ride it out in a convent where I can stay and be heartbroken and alone for the rest of my life.

ORGON

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OK! I’ve only heard this one about a million times – a father can’t say one thing about his baby’s little sweetheart without her throwing a fit sayin’ she wants to become a nun - don’t try and pull that stunt on me, young lady. Now stand up straight and listen! The more you let yourself get agitated over this thing, the more glory, the more honor you stand to gain by just givin’ in and lettin’ it happen! I don’t give a honey nut cheerio if your feelings ain’t happy – the wedding is on, so why don’t you quit chappin’ my hide over something that ain’t gonna change?

DORINE

Hold up – run that back for me one time.

ORGON

You! You lock it up, missy. Shouldn’t you be spraying Windex somewhere? You are banned from this conversation – I don’t wanna hear a peep outta you!

CLÉANTE

If it strikes you as copasetic to reflect on my recommendation...

ORGON

Brother-man, lemme tell ya: nobody dishes out the advice better ‘n you. Always so logical, and reasonable... but the fact is, none of that baloney has ever done me any good.

ELMIRE

(To ORGON:) This show you’re putting on... I have no words. Honestly. You deserve at least a medal, an Oscar, something. We should get the Pope in here to shake your hand. Tartuffe must be one hell of a best friend, a real kindred spirit, because after what you saw this morning, he’s got the wool so far down over your eyes, you’re basically a sock puppet.

ORGON

Honey, I’m gonna ignore whatever it is that was, and make it real simple for you: I call ‘em like I see ‘em. I

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figured you woulda realized that by now. What’s more, I know you’ve been hidin’ a little soft spot for that jughead son o’ mine, which is why you had no problem lettin’ him run wild over my poor, innocent friend. You ought’a be glad you’re not lookin’ to be no Hollywood starlet, ‘cuz that little acting job you had goin’ needs a whole lotta work.

ELMIRE

I see... so according to you, if a man so much as hints at making a pass at me, I’m supposed to immediately fly off the handle in defense of my womanly honor? Say he starts going off-book, and the conversation gets a bit... informal - at that point, you recommend I bust out the rape whistle, start spitting in his face and waving around my pitchfork? Is that the idea? Personally, when it happens to me, all I want to do is laugh. There’s just no point in throwing a fit. Given the choice, wouldn’t we all rather behave with composure and, I don’t know, dignity? I’m sick and tired of these saber-toothed princesses acting as if they need a whole army to protect their precious virtue. They act all prim and proper until out of nowhere they want to bite your head off over – what? A little flirting? Mother of Mary, please promise you won’t let me end up as immaculate and chaste as those girls. It’s extremely possible to feel pure inside and not have to be a total shrew to everyone around you – and when it comes letting a man know I’m not interested, in my experience, nothing is more efficient than your basic, run-of-the-mill icy staredown.

ORGON

I know what I know on this, and I’m not movin’ an inch.

ELMIRE

Wow, it’s... almost impressive to me how misguided you are. Really makes me wonder what it would be like to have you see for yourself how painfully right we’ve been this entire time.

ORGON

See?

ELMIRE

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Oh yeah.

ORGON

Don’t BS me.

ELMIRE

You think I’m not serious? How about if I made it happen right before your eyes, right here, in broad daylight...

ORGON

You’re wastin’ your time!

ELMIRE

The nerve of this guy! At least have the decency to give me a yes or no. Do you realize that I’m no longer asking you to only take me at my word? Just imagine that you and I put our heads together, decided where we wanted to do this thing, and then set you up in a nice, cozy spot where you could see and hear evvvverything. Then what would you say about your poor, innocent friend?

ORGON At that point I’d probably say... nothing, zero - because what you’re describin’ – it’s not even possible.

ELMIRE

OK, enough is enough – we’ve been dancing around this thing for way too long, and I’ve had it up to here with you telling me I’m wrong. Get ready for some indisputable evidence that I’ve been right this whole time. Assembled right here for your viewing pleasure.

ORGON

Alright, deal. You go ahead and get your little show prepared, and we’ll see if you can make good on your word.

ELMIRE

(To DORINE:) Get him in here.

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DORINE

He ain’t dumb, you know. He might get suspicious if you just try ‘n run up on him.

ELMIRE

No, no, no – we’re more than willing to let ourselves get tricked by the things we love. Plus, his category of narcissism tends to cave in on itself eventually. Tell him to come down. (To CLÉANTE, MARIANE) You two, take it outside. Scene 4 – ELMIRE, ORGON

ELMIRE

OK, we’re going to move this table over just a scooch, and you’re gonna get under.

ORGON

You want me to what?

ELMIRE

We have to hide you – this whole plan is based on you hiding.

ORGON

Yeah, I get it, but do I have to be under the table? My knees are not what they used-

ELMIRE

Jesus Howard Christ, can you just follow directions? We’re doing my idea – once it’s over, you can give me all the feedback you want. As I was saying, you’ll be under this table, and you need to make sure that nobody can see or hear you.

ORGON

What can I say - if you’re gonna climb the tower, you might as well ring the bell. It’s your funeral.

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ELMIRE

I doubt you’ll have too many complaints when it’s over. (At this point, ORGON is under the table.) I just want to warn you though, in terms of what you’ll be hearing, with this conversation, it’s going to get a little sketchy, a little weird. I’m not trying to give you a heart attack under there, but you need to let me say what I have to say, and know that I’m just doing it to prove a point. I will be batting my eyes, I will be twirling my hair, I will be uttering certain phrases – not because I want to, but because you backed me into a corner and now getting this rat-faced hypocrite to show his true colors is all I care about. It’s gonna be about buttering him up and patting his ego to the point where I have him eating out of the palm of my hand... then, once those juices are flowing and that creepozoid is pouring his heart out – then, then we drop the hammer. But actually, since this is all for your benefit, in order for it to be a convincing performance, that I really, you know, want anything to do with him, I plan on keeping it going until you tell me to stop. Are we absolutely clear on this? You will be playing the role of the cold shower. You will be the one to spare your wife the humiliation of being forced to endure his disgusting advances. The minute you’ve seen enough to amend your opinion of him, you just come on out. You make your decision as the man of the house. And – ok, here he comes! Sit tight - this is happening. Scene 5 – TARTUFFE, ELMIRE, ORGON (hidden under the table)

TARTUFFE

I was told you wished to have a word.

ELMIRE

I do, I do. I have a few juicy secrets to uncover. But before we can get started, I’ll need to ask you to close that door, and if you wouldn’t mind giving a little sweep of the surroundings, I would feel just so much more comfortable. We wouldn’t want to have a repeat of the other day, am I right? (laughs) Ohhh my goodness, talk about a shot to the nervous system! When Damis came barreling out of that closet I practically had a stroke! You saw me,

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right? I wanted to stop him, I tried to get him to calm down, really I did, but honest to God my heart was beating so fast, I was so flustered, it didn’t even cross my mind to tell him he was out of his mind. Not that any of that matters now, bless the Lord – I mean, between you and me, we couldn’t have asked for a better outcome. Look - nobody can be mad at the most popular guy in town, especially not my husband, who would rather choke to death on a toothpick than hold a grudge against you. Now he’s got this plan to make the two of us inseparable – just to give the rest of ‘em something to complain about! (laughs) Ah... you’ll forgive me if I’m moving too quickly, but since I find myself here – in this room – with you – all alone, I can’t come up with a single objection as to why I shouldn’t expose my heart squarely in your direction.

TARTUFFE

My dear, your declaration is one I find difficult to fathom, since until now you were singing a wildly different tune.

ELMIRE

Ha! Let me tell you something: if you’re gonna get all bitter and bleary-eyed over a little rejection like that, then baby, you’ve got a lot to learn about the ways of a woman’s heart! When you see her shying away from your eyes, mounting all these silly little defenses – do you understand what any of that means? It’s just a gut response, to fight against it, when you know you’re on the verge of complete emotional surrender... we could be over the moon, Harry-meetin’-Sally, ob-la-di ob-la-da, trippin’-on-our-toes in love, and it’s still gonna be a point of pride to not wanna admit it straightaway. Yeah, we put up those walls in the beginning, we do – but we still manage to emit a certain vibe, something in the air, so the other person can know they’ve already won us over. In protecting our honor, denial is best, but those words only mean that our answer is yes. Oh jeez... I’m really spilling my marbles over here... this is no way for a respectable woman to talk about herself. But, since I already blew the lid off this thing, tell me: why else would I have tried to hold Damis back when he was coming for you? And how about the fact that the whole time while you were letting it fly with the romanticization manifestation, I was just sitting there in sweet, benign silence, demure as a messenger of

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heaven, and I didn’t even try to interrupt you once! Do you really think I would have sat there like that if there wasn’t something in what you were saying that made me feel good inside? And when I told you point-blank to torpedo that wedding, the one whose announcement my husband’s been spreading, even then, was there anything there to sound the alarm, telling you ‘alright, she succumbed to your charm?’ That the idea that your heart would be something to share might be too much distress for my own heart to bear?

TARTUFFE

It is without question a paragon of delectation to witness words such as these cross the lips of my beloved. Their mellifluous tones send swirls of honey racing through my veins, attaching a pleasure to my senses the likes of which I never thought possible. My rapture in assuring your perpetual bliss has supplanted all of my most sacred commitments, and my heart is a sailboat on the current of your desiderata. But that very same heart, my dear, requests your permission to waver a moment on this prodigious delight. I could regard your words as elements of an intricate ruse, whereby I am played upon to countermand the impending nuptials. And if candor is the key to conveying my drift, then toward your dulcet tidings I have no choice but to maintain my suspicions until I have received the substantiation I so desperately crave, lending credence at once to all your professions, and awarding my soul the most ardent conviction that my right to your treasures is not purely a fiction.

ELMIRE

(ELMIRE coughs to alert her husband.) Excuse me - what?! But... but, really? You want to move that quickly? Full throttle, just like that? What about all the... sweet, delicious anticipation? It’ll be ruined! I mean, here I am putting my neck on the line, going through incredible pains to lay bare my affection for you, telling you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear, and now you’re telling me that’s not good enough? Do we really have to jump right to the finale in order for you to feel secure about this?

TARTUFFE

The less we feel we deserve a favor, the less we venture to let it fill us with hope. Words alone do little to appease

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our most deeply entrenched desires. With fluency, we doubt our rare and perfect moment in the sun will ever come, and we choose to revel in our joy before believing it is legitimate. As for me, undeserving as I am of your graces, and so skeptical that my bullheaded enterprise could ever bear fruit, I refuse to credit your passion until you have corroborated it with palpable evidence.

ELMIRE

Good Lord! Love really brings out your despotic side, wouldn’t you say? Look’it, you got me all steamed up, in a tizzy! You’re like some kind of deranged fighter pilot, you zero in on my heart and then, boom! Just a blistering nosedive of brutality and determination until you get your hands on what it is you want! What’s that even about? Is there anything on God’s green earth that might motivate you to, I don’t know, ease up a little on the gas? Or at least give me a second to catch my breath? Is it even practical for you to keep cranking the way you do? The whole fixation, reckless pursuit, no room for compromise... thing – it makes no rational sense. People like you around here! They honestly like you; you’re telling me you would want to jeopardize all that just to keep putting the screws on me?

TARTUFFE

But if it were indeed with a blithe eye that you look upon my amorous oath, why then would you not be indifferent to some casual somatic reciprocation?

ELMIRE

But how could I agree to any of that when I know your God, the God you’re always talking about is up there watching us?

TARTUFFE

Ha! Well, if the fear of divine retribution is the only thing holding you back... you can pass the hassle on to me, given I am quite conversant in that sort of compromise. Please, don’t deny your heart pleasure over a mere technicality.

ELMIRE

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But... but what’s all this I keep hearing about, you know, ‘God’s wrath,’ the smiting, the hellfire? That stuff scares people!

TARTUFFE

(With ELMIRE coughing intermittently:) My darling, I am equipped with the power to melt away your timid little fears; you see, there’s a great art in making those qualms disappear. It is true that the heavens have banned us from indulging in certain forms of... gratification - I won’t deny it. But in His own way, God can be immensely permissive. In accordance with each person’s sundry necessitudes, there exists a systematic method – a science, really – in expanding the scope of one’s conscience in order to invite reconciliation between the quote-unquote iniquity of one’s action and the purity of one’s intention. These secrets are yours to learn, my sweet – you need only submit to my careful orchestration. So go on: be the elixir that quenches my desire, and for heaven’s sake, put aside those tremulous feelings. I will assume complete responsibility if our arrangement should go awry. (Slight pause) That cough is not getting any better.

ELMIRE

Yeah, I’m dying over here.

TARTUFFE

I usually carry some Halls...

ELMIRE

Thanks, but it’s just a stubborn cold. It’s gonna take more than a couple cough drops to get rid of...

TARTUFFE

That must be so aggravating.

ELMIRE

You don’t know the half of it.

TARTUFFE

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At any rate, these frivolous concerns of yours are quite easily remedied. I pledge unequivocal secrecy on this matter, since we all know a crime can only be measured by the outrage it causes. The public, scandalized: that’s what makes it a criminal act. Because to sin in silence is to not be sinning at all. (ELMIRE coughs again, loudly.)

ELMIRE

Well. It looks to me like the hour has come to shut up and play ball; you came here wanting something, and now, I’m agreeing to give it to you. It would be silly of me to pretend that you would come away feeling satisfied with anything less. There are certainly reasons to judge me for what I’m about to do, because clearly, I’ve made this decision in spite of myself. But since there exist certain people out there dead-set on driving me to this breaking point – certain people who refuse to take a person on their word alone, who demand something concrete, something they can really sink their hands into... well, at some point you just gotta buck up and throw ‘em a bone. If what I’m doing is really seen as crime, blame it on the guy who put me in this position. One thing I do know: it is not my fault.

TARTUFFE

Of course, my love, I’m completely to blame. And in reference to your—

ELMIRE

How about you take a peek out that door - if you wouldn’t mind, just for a second – I want to know my husband’s not lurking.

TARTUFFE

What are you worrying about him for? Just between us, the man’s missing a few dots on his dice, if you catch my drift. He’d believe me if I told him his birthday was tomorrow! And he wants us to be together 24/7, remember? I got him pinned so deep in my pocket, if he walked in on us, he’d probably turn right back around and forget all about it.

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ELMIRE

That’s not important right now – just go, outta here, now – and make sure you check every last nook and cranny. Scene 6 – ORGON, ELMIRE

ORGON (Emerging from under the table:) That’s it! I’m calling it right now – he is garbage, plain and simple – that man is a bag of trash. This, whoa boy, this is knockin’ me out right now. I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with this.

ELMIRE

Would’ja look at that! You sure it’s time to come out? So soon? Christ, you gotta lotta nerve. Get back under there, we’re not ready for you yet. Let the whole thing play out, all the way to the end. I don’t need you basing anything off speculation.

ORGON

No, no, he’s a monster I tell ya! Straight from Hell!

ELMIRE

Dear God - you can’t build a case on gut feelings alone; just hold off a little while longer, before you blow the roof off this place - we’re setting you up with some foolproof evidence – no rushing in and blowing this for me! (ELMIRE pushes ORGON to the ground behind her.) Scene 7 – TARTUFFE, ELMIRE, ORGON

TARTUFFE

The stars are aligned in our favor my dear – I scoured every inch of these halls and came across no one. My soul is set to rejoice in–

ORGON

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(Jumping out from behind ELMIRE:) Hold it right there, you horndoggin’ son of a bitch! You been doin’ a lotta thinkin’ with your prick these days... it’s about time you learned a little self-control. Aaahhh...Agh!! Man o’ God, preachin’ morals left and right – you were runnin’ me up the flagpole! Aw, but you’re a sucker for temptation, aren’t cha? Yeah, gettin’ married to my little girl wasn’t enough, and now, now you wanna diddle me outta my wife?! I’ll tell ya – I always had a hunch there was somethin’ goin’ on with you. I said to myself ‘one day, he’s gonna do somethin’ where he really blows it.’ Well guess what – you blew it, buddy! I got all the proof I can stomach now; I can do without any visual aid.

ELMIRE

(To TARTUFFE:) Nothing about this was enjoyable for me; they backed me into a corner... it was the only way.

TARTUFFE

What?! You thought that I–

ORGON

You can’t talk your way out of this one, you just can’t! Skip the big soliloquy, Marlon Brando, and hit the streets.

TARTUFFE

I only meant to–

ORGON I said we’re done listenin’ to you scammin’ us with your stories! I thought I was clear about wanting you outta my home!

TARTUFFE

You’re talking as if you were the man of the house or something. In actuality, you should be packing up your things and looking for a hotel. See, this is my home, my place of residence; I could paint you a picture, but stick around, it’ll all become clear. All your petty arguments: they’re nothin’ but useless, hopeless, drops in the bucket. Any doubts you may have, just take ‘em up with me; oh, I’ll

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show you how ruthless my fury can be. These events have besmirched the order of heaven, but you can rest assured: each and every one of you will pay for your impudent choice to evict me today. (He exits.) Scene 8 – ELMIRE, ORGON

ELMIRE

Did you know what he was talking about, with that?

ORGON

I, uh... oh no. This... is bad.

ELMIRE

What do you mean ‘bad’? How is it bad?

ORGON

Just that when he said that, ah... it hit me. Damn, I shouldn’t ‘o signed that thing.

ELMIRE

You signed something? You didn’t tell me you signed anything.

ORGON

I did, I did, I signed it, it’s a done deal. But that’s not even the thing I’m worried about.

ELMIRE

And that is?

ORGON

I’ll fill you in, just come with me. That safe better still be upstairs - I’m checking it right now.

ACT V

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Scene 1 – ORGON, CLÉANTE

CLÉANTE

Hotspur! What could be the grail of this galloping gait?

ORGON

The hell should I know? Stupid, stupid...

CLÉANTE

It strikes me as a rightful expedient to engage in a holistic enumeration of tactical avenues befitting the regnant circumstances.

ORGON

I’m losing my religion over the deal with this safe... chafin’ way more over that than with the rest of it.

CLÉANTE

This safe then, contains some untold sphinx?

ORGON

Argas, my buddy from college, he dumped it on me awhile back, told me to stash it good. Poor guy’s been on the lamb, goin’ state to state; last I heard he was in one of the Carolinas. Might’a been the Dakotas. I’m not too clear on the charges exactly, but they’re lookin’ for him, I do know that. He came to me for asylum! All his papers ‘n shit, his whole livelihood, in that stupid safe. We’re talkin’ big trouble if any of that gets out.

CLÉANTE

I can conceive of no tenable pretext for relinquishing it to another.

ORGON

And I can see why you would say that... but the stress, it was gettin’ to me. I needed a way out. So I went and took it over to that backstabbin’ phony, just to talk, y’know,

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get it off my chest, but that two-timin’ son of a gun, he got all up in my head and he convinced me to let him have it – you know, for safety’s sake. I was nervous back then, is what it was - I didn’t want to deal with no investigation. You know me, I’d be a sittin’ duck. So he had the idea, this way I’d have an alibi, I could tell the authorities I didn’t have it, ‘n still be morally in line with the fact I wasn’t lyin’.

CLÉANTE

If I am to lend credence to your delineation, then this quandary is one both vexatious and bleak. First, your pigeon-hearted unbosoming, and later, your celerious forfeiture, are, upon my own expressed valuation, an austere testament to your marked humiliation. His serpentine charms have you displaced and bemuddled, and as his newfound leverage is infallibly trouble, for your sake, a harebrained approach might well render him wild, and you ought to elect one that’s suitably mild.

ORGON

It’s amazing! I listened to that jackwagon for months... I mean he’d just about make you tear up, talkin’ this and that about the Lord, ‘n everlasting faith... unbelievable. Under all that Bible-totin’ flim-flam catamaran: nothin’ but a bed of pure evil. And I’m the ding-a-ling that ate it up! Every last lie, I took it down like a bowl o’ cheese grits, no questions asked. Well you better believe I’m callin’ it quits now, lemme tell ya: no more associatin’ with God-fearin’ freeloadin’ Jesus-junkies. I’m done! Any of those shady religious characters, it could be the Pope himself, I’ll still slam a door in his face. Bunch ‘o snake in the grasses - I hate ‘em more than I ever said I hated Satan.

CLÉANTE Oh, Ichabod! Once more I am treated to a trademark deluge of spleenful castigation. Allergic, as it were, to any temperate demeanor, as though rational thought were a gross misdemeanor, you indulge in extremes like Bavarian cream. But now your slip-up rings clear as church bells, and you realize, by dint of your intuent wiles, ‘twas facetious zeal that had you beguiled. But if t’wards your own person you seek some contrition, what would make you adopt this

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puerile disposition, conflating the viperous heart of one traitor with all those who earnestly serve our creator? What guff! As one duped by the ploy of this garish rapscallion, by sermons that shone like a gleaming medallion, why presume that all others pursue the same model, and that bona fide faith is an obsolete fossil? Cede to the cynics these bovine conclusions; distinguish what’s virtue from frothy illusion; take care not to dole out your fealty too promptly; and regard moderation as your one fait accompli. From adhering to cozenage, maintain a firm distance, but wholehearted zeal hardly merits resistance; and if resorting to extremes is your uniform mission, choose a surplus of trust over madcap suspicion. Scene 2 – DAMIS, ORGON, CLÉANTE

DAMIS

Ey yo what the fuck? Pop, I heard that limp dick chucklehead tryna dust you over on some wild shit, what’s tha deal? I never seen some shit this rude – how this mothafucka gon’ forget you was straight bankrollin’ his whole lifestyle? Now that bitch ass wanna hustle you for ya fuckin’ house? On the real?!

ORGON

It’s true, son. Your dad ain’t never been shafted this bad before.

DAMIS Yo. I know I be wylin’ half the time but today, sheeeit - I ain’t playin: this dude will bleed on account ‘o this. Dead-ass, this is for the family right now, I’m ‘on cut his fuckin’ eyes out. I’ll stab ‘im in the neck. Tell me honestly, why are we waiting? Can somebody tell me? Yo hold my phone, I’m ‘bout to get big, ‘cuz this is on me, I’m’a set the shit straight like a pogo stick. Ain’t no other way it’s goin’ down - I’m comin’ for this dude.

CLÉANTE

Such are the piquant fulminations of youth! I say, boy, curb this frenetical diatribe at once, and acclimate to the

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etiquette of our collective generation, wherein rank barbarism is a gross misapplication.

Scene 3 – MADAME PERNELLE, MARIANE, ELMIRE, DORINE, DAMIS, ORGON, CLÉANTE

MADAME PERNELLE

Now I heard there was somethin’ screwy goin’ on. Somebody better fill me in!

ORGON

Well, bit of a shake-up happenin’ around here, momma... th’most recent developments I witnessed myself, with my own two eyes. You make the effort to do good by people, treat ‘em right, and this is the thanks you get. I rescued that fella from livin’ out on the street, where he was sleepin’. Gave him new clothes, a warm bed, stuck him at the head of my table – I mean, I was really feelin’ like we were brothers. Gave him all the services, the creature comforts he could ask for. Told him he could wed my only daughter, plus take everything I own. Now at some point, while all this was happening, that jackass, that no-good wanger says ‘that’s all fine, but how ‘bout a little action with the wife?’ And, if that wasn’t enough, he took on another lil’ hobby, which I call holdin’ all my goodwill and kindness against me like a gun to the head! I presented him with a gift, outta the goodness of my own heart - now I’m out here danglin’ off the side of a cliff and he’s steppin’ on my knuckles! OK, OK, I may have been a little overly motivated to pay tribute to the friendship, but what we got now is a man stealin’ away the rights to my property, fixin’ to drive me into the state he was in when I found him!

DORINE

Shit is downright repugnant!

MADAME PERNELLE

Listen to me, honey – you may be my son, but there ain’t no way I believe that man did all them terrible things.

ORGON

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What’s that now?

MADAME PERNELLE

When a good person comes along, it has a way of makin’ people mighty jealous.

ORGON

What exactly are you sayin’ to me, momma, talkin’ like that?

MADAME PERNELLE

I’m sayin’ there’s a fair bit of monkey business that happens in this house, and y’all put a target on his back the day he walked in that door.

ORGON

OK, so people don’t trust him. I don’t see how that figures into what I just told you.

MADAME PERNELLE

I’ve been preachin’ this to you since you were a little boy: anywhere you go in the world, if you’re a decent, respectable human being, folks are gonna wanna hunt you down. Jealous people die, but the jealousy lives on.

ORGON

OK, fine, but what’s it all got to do with the news I’m sharin’ today?

MADAME PERNELLE

They’ll come up with a hundred different stories about him if they have to.

ORGON

Did you hear what I said? I saw it with my eyes!

MADAME PERNELLE

Bad-mouthers got nothin’ but hate in their hearts.

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ORGON

Momma, I love you, but you’re cookin’ my patience right now. I’ll say it one more time: I, myself, literally saw the betrayal happening.

MADAME PERNELLE

Wicked tongues, always lookin’ for somewhere to sow their venom; the rest of us ain’t got the power to stop it.

ORGON Momma, I hate to put it like this, but you’re not makin’ a drop o’ sense! I saw it, I tell you, with my eyes, my vision, I recognized and I confirmed it, visually, by way of seein’ it! That’s what it means to see something. When people say they saw something, that’s what they’re talkin’ about. You want me to record my voice on a CD sayin’ it a hundred times and give it to you for the ride home?

MADAME PERNELLE

Oh my stars and garters! Appearances are deceiving, young man, you hadn’t heard about that? You can’t put your faith in everything you see.

ORGON

I’m gonna lose it. Look out.

MADAME PERNELLE

We all have doubts we shouldn’t have, it’s somethin’ natural we do. Most of the time what we see as a bad thing, turns out to be somethin’ good.

ORGON

So when a guy leans in to try and kiss my wife, I’m supposed to take that as what, a charitable donation?

MADAME PERNELLE

Before you go accusin’ folks o’ this and that, you better make sure you’re holdin’ the facts - some evidence that

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supports it. Otherwise, nobody’s gonna listen, plain and simple. I would hold off with the accusations until you’re a little more confident in what you’re sayin’.

ORGON

Aha! Good golly Moses on the mountain – you got any tricks to share, so’s I can get more sure’n I already am? Any suggestions? Or maybe, momma, maybe you thought I shoulda hung around until I got an eye full of... nope, nope, can’t bring myself to say it.

MADAME PERNELLE

All I know is, that man’s got a soul that runs right to G-O-D, a direct line... I can’t get into the mindset where I could accept what you’re sayin’ he did.

ORGON

And what I know is... ah, I’m burnin’ up so bad, if you weren’t my momma... I really don’t know what I’d say.

DORINE

Oh so you see how it is? Stings a lil’ bit, don’t it? You didn’t believe a word we said, now look at ‘cha.

CLÉANTE

These pliant moments siphoned away over baubles and tomfoolery, ought instead to be occasioned for the devisement of some stratagem, lest we be caught flat-footed for that chiseller’s blitz.

DAMIS

Oh nah! He got a lawyer you think?

ELMIRE

I don’t think it would fly in court, I really don’t. They’re gonna look at him and see a spoiled brat.

CLÉANTE

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Your composure in this case is regrettably impolitic; he will be fully appurtenanced to render the grounds of his appeal. Suits have prevailed on pleas far more spurious – in the labyrinth of law, charisma’s injurious. I’ll recite it again: equipped with his flair, with our stick we should never have prodded the bear.

ORGON

I know it, I know it... tell me what to do, then! Every fiber of my body wants to strangle the bastard... but Lord knows I can’t keep it together in front of a jury.

CLÉANTE

My soul is aglow with a fervent desire that some agent of peace could extinguish his ire.

ELMIRE

If I knew, the whole time, he was sitting on a bomb like this, I wouldn’t have kept pushing the stakes. Ah, and another th-

ORGON

(To DORINE:) Who the hell is that guy? Go, ask him what he wants. Bah, I’m really in the mood for company! Scene 4 – MR. LOYAL, MRS. PERNELLE, ORGON, DAMIS, MARIANE, DORINE, ELMIRE, CLÉANTE

MR. LOYAL

Hi there, sweetheart. You mind showin’ me over to the man of the house? Need to have a word with him, if that’s alright with you.

DORINE

Weeeelll... he, uhhm, he’s a little busy, got some things, got some friends in from out of town, so my guess is he’s not gonna wanna talk right this second.

MR. LOYAL

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Believe me, it wasn’t my choice to have to barge in on you folks like this. I suspect however, that he’ll take kindly to my arrival. I have a message he’ll be happy to hear.

DORINE

You mind givin’ me your name?

MR. LOYAL

Just let him know that I’m here representing his interests, on behalf of Mr. Tartuffe.

DORINE

(Crossing back to ORGON:) I got a dude outside, talkin’ real friendly and shit about how Tartuffe sent him over to tell you somethin’. He says it’s gon’ make you happy.

CLÉANTE

Invariably we must welcome this fellow in order to know what he holds in his memo.

ORGON

Maybe he’s lookin’ for a truce! It’s possible, it’s possible... ok, what’s the game plan then? How do I act with this guy?

CLÉANTE (Aside, to ORGON:) Swallow your rancor, belay your suspicion; if he speaks of a settlement, make certain you listen. (DORINE has signaled to MR. LOYAL, who crosses to ORGON.)

MR. LOYAL

How do you do today, sir? Blessings to the good Lord on high! May you and your family live long and in health, and may the sun forever sink low on your enemies.

ORGON

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(Aside, to CLÉANTE:) OK, Good start, ‘ts a real good start. I think I nailed it on this one, I’m smellin’ a plea bargain.

MR. LOYAL

This house, this estate... has been, for a long time, incredibly dear to my heart, as you would expect – I used to do some work for your father, many years ago.

ORGON

Well sir – beggin’ your pardon of course - I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t know a thing about you, not even your name.

MR. LOYAL

Don’t have to be embarrassed – the name’s Loyal. I’m originally from Maine. Never thought I would be, but I’ve been a bailiff going on almost forty years now. Somebody up there must be looking out for me. And, yes I do take pride in the work I do. On this particular day, I’ve brought with me some paperwork, which I hope you’ll allow me to go over it with you. It concerns the sequestration of your property rights.

ORGON

What?! That’s why you’re here?! To throw-

MR. LOYAL

Sir, there’s no need to lose your composure. This is a simple court summons, with the additional requirement that you and your family vacate the premises immediately, removing all the furniture of course, so we can clear out the space for the next group of residents. My client has specified that this operation be carried out in an expedited manner.

ORGON

He’s kicking me out?! ME?!

MR. LOYAL

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Affirmative, sir: you. If you’ll agree to that. At the present moment, this house, this estate, as you are no doubt well aware, falls in the unmitigated possession of a one Mr. Tartuffe. That includes the full reign over your assets, which the contract I’ve brought with me clearly indicates. Vetted and notarized. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do to change that.

DAMIS

Homeboy got some big-ass nuts, I give ‘im dat.

MR. LOYAL

(To DAMIS:) Young man, this business in no shape or form concerns you. It pertains only to your father, who, from what I can tell, thankfully, is of sound mind and sensible constitution; and, as a man endowed with good reason, he understands it is in his best interests to abide fully by the injunctions of the law.

ORGON

Well wait a minute now, I–

MR. LOYAL

Thank you, sir – it pleases me to know that even if someone offered you a million dollars, you’d never stoop to willful insubordination of the legal code. As a conscientious, red-blooded American, I know your only wish is that I execute my orders today just as they were assigned to me.

DAMIS

Eyy, that’s a fresh-ass lil’ coat you got, mister bailiff man – I bet it’d look dope wit’ a couple ‘o bloodstains on it.

MR. LOYAL

Sir, I need you to tell your son to stand down and keep his mouth shut; I’d hate to have to include his name for threatening an emissary of the law when I write my report.

DORINE

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(Aside:) Mr. Loyal’s ‘bout the most un-loyal mothafucka I ever seen.

MR. LOYAL

Decent folks with good principles, that’s what I like. My only goal in extending these documents to you today, sir, is to do you the service of making your life a little bit easier. Thanks to my being here, you won’t have to deal with any of one our other agents, one who might not be endowed with my sense of compassion, and who might have taken a more, call it a rough-and-tumble approach.

ORGON

Oh, so to be throwing a family out on their asses, onto the street, you wouldn’t call that playin’ rough?

MR. LOYAL

You’ve been afforded some time. I’ve decided to defer the execution of this order until tomorrow, when it will absolutely take place. What’ll happen is, middle of the night, I show up with a crew of about ten guys, no muss, no fuss, we load everything up. Standard protocol requires you to hand over the keys to the residence at this time. We’ll be nice and quiet, so as not to disturb your in your sleep; you don’t have to worry about any damage to your property, we’re not hooligans – just doing our job. It would help us if you could purchase some bubble wrap. My recommendation to you is first thing tomorrow morning, put everything outside – I’m talking everything, down to the forks and knives. We’ll get some guys to give you a hand – lotta muscle on this squad, I picked ‘em myself. Should be one-two-three. I think I’m being extremely considerate on this; and by virtue of me and my team treating you so graciously, I only ask, sir, that you cooperate with respect and not make this any more difficult than it has to be.

ORGON

(Aside, to CLÉANTE:) I may be broke as a church mouse, but I’d put up my last hundred-dollar bill on the spot if it meant I could clock that sack of shit with everything I’ve got.

CLÉANTE

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(Aside, to ORGON:) I would abstain from exacerbating the situation.

DAMIS

(Hopping up and down:) Yo I’m finna get Macho Man Randy Savage on this dude, no lie, I’m ‘bout to put my foot up his ass.

DORINE

Mr. Loyal, you like baseball? ‘Cuz I got a Louisville Slugger that would look real good whoopin’ you upside ya head, whatchu think about that?

MR. LOYAL You better watch that mouth, little lady. The State of Missouri prosecutes women every day.

CLÉANTE

Dissolve this inane scuffle at once, sir – furnish us with our papers and take your leave.

MR. LOYAL

That’s fine, you all take care now. And may the good Lord bestow His blessings unto thee!

ORGON

Go rot in a basement! Ssame goes for that bastard who sent ya! Scene 5 – ORGON, CLÉANTE, MARIANE, ELMIRE, MADAME PERNELLE, DORINE, DAMIS

ORGON

So momma! Am I makin’ any sense now? Does the bailiff leaving my house help it to sink in at all? You pickin’ up on the betrayal I was referencing earlier?

MADAME PERNELLE

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(Stammering:) Oh dear, I... oh my... I feel dizzy...

DORINE

I think y’all are missin’ the picture here, y’all can’t be mad at him! This is textbook, classic Christian fellowship, all the way, baby! Tartuffe, he ain’t just lookin’ out for you now, he’s lookin’ after your future – oh yeah, he knows what bein’ rich’s gonna do to your soul, he knows that ain’t nuttin’ t’mess with, so by removing all’em lil’ traps and pitfalls from ya life, really, when you think about it though, this is a very generous person y’all are puttin’ on blast right now.

ORGON

You never listen when I tell you to shut the hell up but I’m gonna tell you again – Dorine, shut the hell up.

CLÉANTE

Come, we must ponder what favorable inroads we can gather.

ELMIRE

I think it’s time to put the story out there – we make sure everybody knows what a skeezy, deceitful, ass-can phony he is - they’re gonna look at his contract and see that it’s bullshit. They’ll never give him what he wants once they find out he’s a complete fraud. Scene 6 – VALÈRE, ORGON, CLÉANTE, ELMIRE, MARIANE

VALÈRE

Hey. OK – I know, and you definitely know, that me bombarding you right now is nothing either of us want. But realize that I am very much interwoven in this whole proprietary meltdown that’s happening so it’s kind of a move-it-or-lose-it situation for me, k? Anyway - one of my oldest, best friends: his brother is a public attorney for the city, and in conveying to my amigo what I, potentially, have to lose in all this, he got his brother to forward us the minutes from the preliminary talks - extremely plucky of him, yes, and we’re very grateful, because now, we have

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been blessed with the good fortune of knowing the unassailable, documented truth of the matter, which is to say – and he was pretty up-front about this: your best bet is to immediately hop a plane and take a... vacation: a vacation of ample length. I’ve been getting texts all day telling me that self-aggrandizing goon-faced Bible jockey has been traipsing all over town flagging down any state employee that’ll stand to hear him out for more than five minutes – an hour ago, he was at the police station turning a safe over as evidence and demanding that they add treason to your list of charges because apparently, you illegally withheld documents out of blind hatred for our system of government and should be thereby considered an enemy of the state?! (Beat.) Yikes. OK, look – throw out that claptrap litany he’s trying to indict you on – we’re still gonna be lookin’ at a warrant out for your arrest. Soon. Like, soon-soon. So, yeah. Also, one more thing: thought I should warn you that, per his request, he’ll be tagging along with the arresting officer... just as a... fun bonus, you could say. Making sure they... do their job? I don’t know.

CLÉANTE

These browless entreaties have spurred him to battle, hell-bent on impounding your goods and your chattels.

ORGON

Asshole... this guy... he’s the absolute worst.

VALÈRE

Hellooo! Rest assured, I’d love to pull out my monogrammed hanky and join the pity-party, but in the words of the great Christopher Cross, you need to ride, ride like the wind to be free again - you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down? There’s a car waiting outside to take you to the airport. (VAlÈRE hands ORGON an envelope.) Something to get you started; ten thousand cash simoleans. Don’t even worry about it. Let’s go, chop-chop! All this judiciary unrest and more can be avoided for the low, low-low price of you taking the money I just gave you and getting on the next available flight to another hemisphere. I’ll be riding shotgun as your chaperone until we reach our destination – couple ex-pats I know are handling your living arrangements – will be ultra, ultra simpatico.

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ORGON Well I’ll be a son of a gun – I can’t believe you’d do all this! For me! I probably owe you... hell, what don’t I owe you at this point? I’ll be compensatin’ you at a later date... but in the meantime, I just pray the Lord recognizes what an unbelievable service you’re doing. Really, I’m at a loss... OK everybody – looks like we’re headin’ out. Take care of each other, every last one o’ ya, I mean it...

CLÉANTE

Forthwith, you must decamp, brother; we that remain will oversee the requisite provisions. Scene 7 – THE OFFICER, TARTUFFE, VALÈRE, ORGON, ELMIRE, MARIANE, DORINE, CLÉANTE, DAMIS, MADAME PERNELLE

TARTUFFE

Whoa, whoa, hit the brakes, Dale Earnhardt Jr. – no need for the rush. Your new accommodations are a lot closer than you think. On behalf of the State of Missouri, we’re placing you under arrest.

ORGON

You goddamn freeloadin’ snitch! You set me up; you were waitin’ to nail me this whole time! Every second you were plottin’ up a storm - now here comes the finisher; the cherry on top of a shit cake.

TARTUFFE

Do as you please, my friend. You can erupt all you want, it won’t begin to put a damper on my mood. The light of Christ has hardied my soul to withstand all manner of vilification.

CLÉANTE

Such milken restraint – why, I am liable to faint!

DAMIS

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This triflin’-ass mothafucka be straight up shittin’ on the Bible right now – man, that ain’t right!

TARTUFFE

No display of choler, however seething, could pollute my heart with the slightest scintilla of sentiment. I merely aspire to execute my Christian duty - nothing more.

MARIANE

Wow, you must be, like, the best Christian ever then. You’re like, taking time out of your life to do this one thing and it’s like um, ok - spiritual champion much? Hashtag godly.

TARTUFFE

Yes, well – when one accomplishes a thing under due process of law, one does reap certain intangible rewards.

ORGON

Oh yeah, and what about the tangible ones, you gonna mention those? Jeez – you are really scum, you know that? Do you remember what you looked like the day you showed up at this house? ‘Member who bailed you out, who gave you a home, when you were just some decrepit, deadbeat, can’t-rub-together-two-pennies loser on the street? Huh? Ring any bells?

TARTUFFE

Indeed, I am acutely cognizant of the alms I did receive – but nevertheless, I am obligated to grant precedence toward ensuring the meticulous effectuation of the law. My solemn oath as a citizen of this preeminent nation immitigably ushers away any residual esteem I may have held for your ministrations, and in consonance with this, my illustrious conviction, I would not waver a moment in sacrificing my friends, my parents, my wife, myself.

ELMIRE

He’s bluffing! It’s all a sham!

DORINE

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I can’t even front right now: he a busta, no doubt, but he a straight-up maestro when it comes to takin’ the shit we love ‘n then fuckin’ us wit’ it!

CLÉANTE

If in fact you are blessed with this dogged conviction, which you vaunt like the pox of some stately affliction, what grounds would you have to forestall its unveiling, ‘til the perfume on his wife’s nape he spied you inhaling - lacking the gumption to force an arraignment, ‘til his honor had jettisoned you to the pavement? From the charges of treason I don’t deign to dissuade you, by invoking the gifts in largesse he has made you, but what reason begets your desire to succeed as the heir to a man of felonious creed?

TARTUFFE

(Snapping his fingers, to THE OFFICER:) Hey – I got the Spanish Inquisition over here and it’s giving me a headache, so how about you just carry out the orders you came here on so we can vamoose, sound OK?

THE OFFICER

Sir, you’re absolutely right, we’ve waited long enough. Your voice was just the jolt I needed to hear and it couldn’t have come at a better time. As my first order, I’ll need you to follow me, down the road, to the county jail, where you’ll be shacking up for the foreseeable future.

TARTUFFE

Ha!— uh, I’m sorry, who? Did you say me?

THE OFFICER

You, yes.

TARTUFFE

But, but... w-why am I going to jail?

THE OFFICER

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You, believe it or not, are not the man to whom I owe my explanation. (To ORGON:) Sir, you’re free to let go of the panic button. Fortunately for all of us, the judge presiding over this district knows a thing or two about pointing out fraud. His eyes, they pierce right through into the souls of men; one look, and he torpedoes their cagey little smoke and mirrors routine. Over the years, he has honed his unflappable, cobra-like sense of intuition, delivering every opinion with unparalleled aplomb. Even when faced with the most vile, contemptible offenders, he looks on like a Roman statue - and, when he finally imposes his sentence, it is always engineered with apposite moderation. He celebrates those whose lives are instilled with piety, though his enthusiasm for faith does not spell blanket approval; his admiration for the genuinely devout does not preclude him from spotting the threat of an impostor. This man, who stands before you today, didn’t even come close to outwitting him; believe me, the judge has shucked plenty of clams that were tighter than this Joe. He could smell the lies and corruption on him the second he walked in that room – yeah, he sliced through that act like he was waving a light saber. It wasn’t even that hard – see, this blockhead marches up to the desk, looking for a warrant to get you arrested, and he ends up practically turning himself in. Yep, sweet Lady Justice was smiling down on us that day. Once he started in with the alibis and the excuses, the judge realized he was sitting in a room with a world-class felon, one who had been living under a false name for months, and who had a rap sheet that was so absurdly long, so chockablock, so stuffed to th friggen gills with insidious criminal activity – I swear, it was like something outta Goodfellas. Somebody better make this into a movie. By this point, the judge was so utterly repulsed by this man, so appalled at how ungrateful and treacherous one single person could be, that he took me into his chambers, told me to escort him here and that I ought to let him push it as far as he could, so we could really see how flagrant and shameful he was willing to get - as well as to award you the pleasure of seeing his mug when we hand you back over the deed to your house. OK, so to sum it all up – the judge has decreed that all the documents Benedict Arnold over here claims are under his name are hereby reinstated into your guardianship. He rules that the so-called ‘contract’ which listed him as the sole inheritor of your estate and assets gross shall be declared null and void, and, last but not least, he acquits you of

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any and all counts of treason which may have been committed under duress of a friend’s looming extradition; as your record reflects, you have been an exemplary citizen of this nation, and he trusts that you will continue to do your part proudly. This gesture serves to illustrate that, contrary to lay opinion, members of our judicial branch exist not simply to dole out punishment - they also like to reward valor. Remember, in the mind of a judge, a little bit of virtue can go a long way, and good is always more memorable than bad at the end of the day.

DORINE

Hallelujah, biatch!! Champagne on ice, it’s the weekend baby!

MADAME PERNELLE

Oh Lord, I can breathe again.

MARIANE

Ohmygod, amaaaaazing – wait, where’d I put my phone?

ORGON

(To TARTUFFE:) OOOOWHEEE!! What’chu got to say now, you dickweed bastard?! Justice, baby! Now that’s what I’m talkin’—

CLÉANTE

Ah! My dear brother, control yourself – settle! Do not condescend to this rancorous mettle. Leave him to ponder his desolate station – don’t gallop to sponsor his grim lamentation. Petition instead for his moral resurgence, where grace meets volition in blissful convergence; should he censure his vices as part of his penance, pray that the court will assuage his sentence. In the meantime, this merits a visceral letter, to the judge - who could hardly have treated you better.

ORGON

Goddamn right - you said it, brother. Let’s order up some fruit baskets, maybe some of those fancy macadamia nuts with the chocolate on ‘em – this man needs to know how

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grateful we are to be back in our home! And once that’s out of the way, we’ve got one last order of business – (To MARIANE:) honey, show me Valère (MARIANE pushes him to ORGON.) – now this here’s a good man – son, you better pick out a tux – we got a wedding to plan!

CURTAIN