Teaching Your Child to:

Cooperate WithRequests

The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning Vanderbilt University vanderbilt.edu/csefel

Does this Sound Familiar?

KKevin and Chelisa are at the end of their rope. Theyare constantly reminding their three children to pickup toys, to play nicely together, and to help with

chores. They would very much like their children (ages6, 4, and 3) to respond to their requests. However, itoften feels as if all three children are uncooperative andout of control. They run in the house, leave toys on thefloor, and refuse to sit at the table for meals. On manyoccasions, the children’s failure to follow the rulesresults in shouting, frustration, and tears. Lately, Kevinand Chelisa have stopped asking their children tofollow their directions, because it’s just too hard to getthem to follow directions.

The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning Vanderbilt University vanderbilt.edu/csefel

The FocusYoung children can learn to followadult expectations, includingperforming simple chores, if theexpectations are developmentallyappropriate (meaning they matchwhat can be expected for children atthat age) and are taught to the child.Below is information on what youmight expect from your preschoolerand some tips for helping your childlearn and follow your requests.

What to Expect Children who are 3 often can• Put their dirty clothes away• Put toys or books away• Put clean clothes away• Put their shoes away• Put non-breakable dishes in the

sink• Wipe the table with a sponge• Put trash in the trash can• Put napkins on the table• Wash their hands independently

Children who are 4 often can• Pick up toys on request • Put clean clothes away• Put clothing on independently• Undress and place clothes away• Wash self in the bathtub• Brush teeth independently• Put silverware on the table• Put dry pet food in a dish

• Return outdoor toys to their storagespot

Children who are 5 often can• Remember and restatehousehold rules• Ask adults’ permission todo activities• Follow established rulesand routines without beingasked (e.g., wash handsbefore eating, clean up toysbefore going to bed)• Independently do asimple chore (e.g., feed apet, get the mail, make thebed)

• Help adults with morecomplex chores (e.g., water

plants, fold clothes, washdishes, dust)

• Be independent with most self-care skills

When children have disabilities, theymay need special assistance to meetthese expectations. You may want todo the following:

• Expect your child to do only part ofthe task, while you complete thepart that is difficult for him

• Provide help to your child so thatshe can complete the task

• Provide instructions in differentways (e.g., using a picture or usinga gesture) so that your childunderstands what you are asking

Teaching your child to dosimple chores Are you surprised that young childrencan manage so many differentactivities and responsibilities? Are youinterested in your child becomingmore independent and helpful? If youwant your child to be able to do a skillor activity, you have to teach him orher what to do. It’s really lesscomplicated than it sounds. To teachyour child, follow these steps:

1. State clearly what you want yourchild to do. For example, if youwant your child to throw his napkinin the trash, you would say,“Andrew, go put your napkin in thetrash can.” Sometimes parents donot state their expectations veryclearly. For example, a parentmight ask, “Where does that go?”or say, “Don’t put your trash in thesink.” These directions do not tellthe child exactly what is wantedand may not produce the expectedbehavior.

2. If your child seems unsure ofwhat is expected or does notunderstand the direction, followyour direction with, “Let me showyou how to do it” (said in a gentletone of voice) and provide yourchild with the minimal amount ofhelp that he needs to do theactivity.

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The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning Vanderbilt University vanderbilt.edu/csefel

need to give your childa warning before

making a request. If yourchild has a disability or

language delay, you mightneed to provide a concrete

cue that shows your child whatyou want her to do (e.g., handing

your child the toothbrush toindicate that it’s time to brushteeth). You might need to get downon your child’s level and make sureyou have her attention (e.g., makeeye contact, touch your childgently) before making a request. Ifyour child seeks negative attention(e.g., misbehaves to get yourattention), you might try ignoringthe misbehavior (not scolding ortalking to your child) and thenpraising your child when he isdoing something appropriate.

What Can You Do WhenChildren Refuse toFollow Instructions orRequests?When children are very young, theyare often eager to learn simplechores and they approach the taskswith enthusiasm. Part of their joycomes from receiving your praiseand attention and from the sense ofaccomplishment they have at beinga “big boy” or “big girl.” It isimportant to recognize that oncethe child is able to do the activityindependently, he might be less

Why Do ChildrenSometimes Refuse toCooperate?The preschool years are a time whenchildren are learning how to expressthemselves and interact with others.Their refusal to cooperate is notalways a deliberate refusal to followyour directions, but may be due toother reasons. For example, yourchild may • Need a warning that you expect

him to stop an activity to complywith your request

• Might be thinking about somethingelse and not hear the request

• Might not clearly understand yourrequest

• Might be more used to receivingnegative attention (e.g., yelling,scolding) and may refuse therequest to get that attention

By thinking about why your childmay not be responding to you, youcan determine what your next stepshould be. For example, you may

3. When your childattempts to do the activityor carries out the request,immediately praise hiseffort. You might say, “Lookat you! You are a big boy. Youcan throw the trash in the trashcan.” The key is to praise withenthusiasm and be specific aboutwhat your child did.

4. Be prepared for the possibilitythat the very first time your childattempts a new activity (e.g., putssilverware on the table, socks inthe drawer, toys on the shelf), herefforts may not meet yourexpectations (e.g., silverware ismixed up or socks are not putaway neatly). When your child isfirst learning an activity, it is veryimportant to encourage herattempts. If you discourage orreprimand your child because shedid not do it quite right, she maybe less eager to try the activityagain.

5. Your child may need to practicethe new skill or activity before hecan do it independently. If theactivity is complicated and youhave shown your child how to do it(e.g., putting toys on the shelf),you may want to avoid actuallyshowing your child how to do itand just provide verbal directioninstead. Remember that whenproviding instructions, you shouldstate exactly what you want yourchild to do (e.g., pick up the blocksand put them in the bucket) andrespond with praise when the childcompletes the task.

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motivated to complete the taskconsistently. (Face it, how manyadults take joy in making the bed?).At this point, you should rememberthat your praise and attention can bea powerful tool to gain your child’scooperation. If your child isreluctant to do a chore that he iscapable of completingindependently, try the following:

1. Move closer to your child,get down on his level, andrestate your request, statingexactly what you expect in acalm and firm tone of voice.(e.g., “Parker, pick up yourbooks and place them on theshelf.”)

2. If your child resists or refuses,take a deep breath (so you canremain calm) and think aboutwhy the child might be refusing.After examining the situation,you might

• Tell a child who is reluctant tostop an activity, “I see you wantto keep playing. You can playfor 3 more minutes. I’ll time you.Then you must clean up.”

• Tell a child who is angry, “Youare telling me you are angry, andyou don’t want to clean up. Thebooks need to be picked up.Once you are calm, you willneed to pick them up.” Then waituntil your child is calm beforerestating your direction.

• Tell a child who is slow to begin,“I will help you get started. I willpick up one and then you pick upone.”

3. As soon as your child beginscooperating with the request,provide praise or feedback. Whenyou praise your child, describeexactly what he or she is doing.For example, “That’s great. Youare picking up the books. I likehow you are cleaning up.”

• Tell a child who may not beaware of the fun activity thatwill come next, “When thebooks are on the shelf, you cantake your bath with the newbubble bath that we boughttoday.”

• Tell a child who is seeking tohave control, “You have achoice. You can put the cups orthe silverware on the table. Youmust help set the table.”

• Tell a child who is notenthusiastic about the task,“Let’s play beat the clock! Iwill time you and see how fastyou can finish it.”

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