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Ten Ways to Become a Master Negotiator By Michael C. Donaldson

When you were born, you were already a great negotiator. The first thing you did was develop your own cries for everything you wanted. And you usually got what you wanted. Over time, your instincts were tempered and controlled in the name of education, order in the classroom, good manners, and a hundred other good and noble social purposes. As a result, you, the individual, may have lost some of the gumption to use the valuable instincts you were born with. My books and seminars are designed to help you recapture your birthright. You can have what you want in life. Review the topics you have read or studied and see where you can make the most effort for the most effective return. Whatever area you need to work on, start today. The process is fun and rewarding. You are the most worthwhile project you could possibly undertake. The following key points are designed to help you during your process.

1. Commit to the Process

You can commit to any process that may help you meet your individual goals for improving your communication and negotiation skills. I use the Wish-Want-Walk method (as laid out in my book Fearless Negotiating). Figure out today the best process for you personally and go for it. As you work on your negotiating skills and on getting what you want in life, adapt a new personal mantra:

I am a great negotiator.

I Am A Great Negotiator.

I AM A GREAT NEGOTIATOR.

This is the first of my ten suggestions because the vast majority of students in my seminars have the opposite mantra. The two very common self-evaluations I hear at the beginning of negotiating seminars I put on for the general public are:

• I’m not a very good negotiator.

• I avoid negotiating altogether.

The second comment simply isn’t true. You negotiate every single day unless you are stranded alone on an island. However, such a statement does provide a great excuse to the person for not developing negotiation skills. Obviously, if you don’t think you negotiate anything, you won’t prepare for negotiation. You won’t set goals. You won’t set limits. In short, you may unwittingly set yourself up to botch the negotiation almost every time.

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The first comment is a self-fulfilling prophecy. How you perceive yourself and what you say about yourself greatly impacts how others judge you and your performance. This fact is especially true if you see yourself in a negative light. Adopt the new mantra immediately. Others’ perception of you will start changing almost immediately. As you hear yourself being described as a good negotiator (even by yourself), you begin acting like a good negotiator. You eventually begin reaping the rewards of a good negotiator. For the time being, don’t study your results, just enjoy the process. Enjoy the growth.

2. Build a Temple

Take care of yourself. Nobody else can take care of your mind and your body and your soul as you can. Each element of your total self needs to be cared for, or your individual efforts in life will not achieve the results you want and deserve. You can’t be a great negotiator if you allow the other elements of your life to run amok. Some people can successfully “compartmentalize” their lives for a period of time. For example, they may ignore a physical malady in order to complete a specific, important job. But no one can keep that up for long. Eventually, a problem in one important area of your life affects the other areas of your life. You may brush off this advice at first, but it does tend to catch up with you. If you want to be a great negotiator, you have to eat right, sleep well, and get some exercise. “Some exercise” does not mean that you have to compete in the Olympics or go on 100-mile bicycle rides. It does mean that you have to move your body in ways that stretch it and keep it flexible. Walking is great. Swimming is a good low-impact activity. Do whatever is appropriate to your situation. Your soul also needs tending as surely as your physical self. Quiet time by yourself and with those who love you unconditionally is important to replenish the spirit. Beautiful surroundings are important. Whether it is the beach or the mountains or some nice local park, take yourself somewhere you can relax and rejuvenate your spirit. Do it for yourself. In order to be a great negotiator, develop a positive attitude. With a positive attitude there is no limit to what you can achieve. Negotiating is tough. It can be cruel and hurtful, but only if you allow it. It’s your job to maintain a positive attitude in order to fend off the negativity that surrounds us on a daily basis. A positive attitude doesn’t just happen or appear. You will be positive when you decide to be positive. Try to fill your day with things that make you feel good. Take care of your mind. Have a hobby: Some activity you thoroughly enjoy for its own sake without any hope or plan to make a profit or a business connection or an ounce of notoriety from it. The rewards will come back a thousandfold. Finally, continue your mental growth. You are obviously the type of person who already practices this advice, or you would not be reading this article. Books are the hallmark of the educated person. Keep them. Mark them. Treasure them. Pass them on.

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Tending to your mental, physical, and emotional health is what I mean when I say building a temple. The name of the temple is your name. The care of that temple is solely your responsibility.

3. Pick Two People and Study Their Negotiating Techniques

The process of observing what any two people do and don’t do in a negotiation sensitizes you to the importance of each of six basic negotiating skills: preparation, setting goals and limits, listening, getting your point across clearly, using pauses to your advantage, and closing the deal. By tracking how someone else does and doesn’t perform in each of the skill areas, you realize that consistently positive results only come from a consistently positive application of sound negotiating principles. You may also observe some exceptions: Occasionally good results spring from hopelessly muddled negotiations, and sometimes the negotiator doesn’t achieve the desired results regardless of being at the most advanced skill level. I suggest studying two people because doing so gives you an opportunity to observe different styles. Specifically, • Pick someone who has a reputation as a great negotiator, but with whom you don’t have a

personal relationship.

• Pick someone close to you that you can observe close up and question while negotiations are ongoing.

For example, for the first category, you may pick someone like former President Jimmy Carter or Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Both are frequently in the news and provide a good opportunity for study — even if you watch through the filtered lens of the media. Alternatively, you may want to think back to the best negotiator you have dealt with during the past year. This is not necessarily a person who got the best of you. Sometimes an unskilled jerk can obtain a great result under the right circumstances. For this exercise, identify the person who best exemplified the basic principles discussed above as the negotiation proceeded. The second category can be a business partner, associate, or even one of your children — the younger the better. The younger the child, the more pure you will find the approach. Watching a child negotiate is fascinating, and you can be a great help to the child as you teach about the importance of honesty and keeping commitments. Many people think I am kidding when I suggest that you study your children until they actually try it. Once you select the two people, try to identify how they prepare for the negotiation. What limits were set? You may never know for sure, but maybe you pushed the envelope enough so that you were told when you were at or near the limits on a particular issue. Write down two examples of when your point of view was really listened to by this respected negotiator. Write down two examples of clear communication. Can you identify at least one use of a pause during the negotiation process? Maybe you heard a phrase such as “Let’s go back over that to be sure we understand each other.” Think about the negotiation and see if you can identify any elements we’ve discussed here.

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You may decide to study someone you don’t even like or respect as a negotiator. Analyze the performance of that person. What specifically could that person do to become a better negotiator? Which of the six skills does that person do well, in spite of your overall low opinion of him or her?

4. Adopt a Hero

Pick at least one person, living or dead, near or far, whom you really admire. Follow that person’s career. Watch the person rise or fall. If the person is deceased, you can become an expert on that person by reading everything you can get your hands on about him or her. Choose someone who genuinely interests you. Successful people are always successful negotiators. Match this person’s escapades with the negotiating lessons you have learned through one of my books or seminars. Successful people have the same personal and financial problems you have. Sometimes, the problems are on a grander scale, but more often than not, their problems are similar to yours. You can learn a great deal about your own life by keeping your eyes firmly on someone you admire (be it a sports figure, a business titan, an entertainer, a politician, or your local pastor).

5. Involve Your Support Group

The human beings you count on most for love, support, and understanding are your support group. These are the people you care about the most and who care about you. For most of us this intimate circle includes parents, a spouse, and friends. You can also bond with people in the pursuit of a common goal and create a support group for self-improvement. Dieters and those who have tried to quit smoking have known the value of regular meetings with a formal support group to finally achieve their goals. You could put together your own group interested in negotiating or draw on your regular support group, but in either case, let them know of your new project to be the best negotiator you can be. The film The Firm contains a great line of dialogue I will always remember. Tom Cruise plays a young lawyer who enters a large, corrupt law firm. His ambitions keep him from facing the truth for a while, but he finally shares what he knows with a friend and confesses, “When I tell my wife, then I know it’s real.” Share the following sections of this article with a support group. You may be able to get others to join in the fun work of becoming a world-class negotiator. Over time, as you all enjoy the fruits of your labor, they may thank you for involving them.

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6. Do Some Activities!

There are games and exercises which build a skill or help focus your attention on a particular aspect of negotiation. These skill-builders can be as passive as sitting in an airport watching body language, or as active as games that involve your friends or family. For example, if you plan a birthday party for your child, some games are appropriate. I have used the game of telephone (whispering a message person to person) as successfully at a children’s party as at a negotiation seminar. Doing activities is a fun, varied way to build negotiating skills.

7. Watch some movies

Take a look at this list of movies I’ve created. The movies listed are good for building specific negotiating skills. I believe strongly in the value of these movies as tools for teaching, because each one demonstrates a specific skill. A new world opens up when you look at films through the eyes of a keen negotiator. Your whole family will enjoy watching most of these films, but make sure to check the rating before you let small children watch with you. Ed Wood—Illustrates how to create a plan to achieve your vision by thinking big and bold, despite the obstacles. Erin Brockovich —Dressing for success, despite a risqué wardrobe. How dress style affects you and your coworkers in the office. Also, it illustrates how to drive research to a positive outcome. When you are passionate about what you do, you do a better job. The King of Comedy—Knowing how to professionally negotiate with those higher on the corporate ladder. Six Degrees of Separation—Choosing the person with whom you negotiate; getting to the head honcho. The Sweet Hereafter—Searching for hidden agendas in a negotiation. A Few Good Men—Illustrates how to play detective and learn all you can about the person with whom you negotiate. Munich—Demonstrates active participation by every team member, goal setting as a shared activity, and finding common ground amongst a team. Gone with the Wind—An anecdote for achieving success despite the obstacles. Strangers on a Train—Illustrates the consequences of not setting limits in a negotiation and setting a point beyond which you won’t go.

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The Apartment—Illustrates how to walk away from a deal in a negotiation and how to set limits in the office and in your personal life. Barton Fink—Illustrates the defense mechanism of not listening during a negotiation. In this case, that mechanism is demonstrated by the wily studio chief Jack Lipnick. Broadway Danny Rose—Illustrates how success is sometimes accidental, even for those, like Danny Rose, who constantly talk and don’t listen during a negotiation. Office Space—Illustrates how clearing away the clutter makes you a better listener. Disorganization leads to mistrust from others in the office. Columbo (TV series)—One of the best examples of the key skills of a good negotiator: asking really good questions. Silence of the Lambs—Illustrates how to properly ask questions during a negotiation and how to wait patiently for an answer. Demonstrates the question and answer dynamic. Twelve Angry Men—A lesson in body language and how people communicate without speaking or writing. Frankie and Ollie—A lesson on being able to accurately read the true attitude and feelings of someone across the table. Basic Instinct—Illustrates how body language can send conflicting messages and how it can manipulate a situation. The Hudsucker Proxy—Illustrates how power is defined by the seating position in a room and the personal space each person commands. Abel Raises Cain—Illustrates how body language is contagious as evidenced on a hoax performed on the Phil Donahue show. Jerry Maguire—Illustrates the benefits of listening to your inner voice. JFK—Illustrates the benefits and obstacles of brainstorming before a negotiation. Before Sunrise & Before Sunset—Details the differences in communication between men and women Thelma & Louise—A lesson on being brief and avoiding emotional displays when communicating. Brokeback Mountain—An anecdote for sharing ideas and opening up to another person.

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Blood Simple, Barton Fink & Miller’s Crossing—Illustrate how many Coen Brothers’ film contain a “screamer.” The “screamer” is a lesson in avoiding emotional displays. Wall Street—Illustrates how to turn the gatekeeper into your ally and get through to an executive levels above you. Jerry Maguire—A lesson on speaking with authority and making your intentions clearly heard.

8. Build your negotiating library

To become a skilled negotiator, fill your bookshelf with the best books published about negotiating. Books about the particular field in which you do most of your negotiating are also very helpful. If you run a small manufacturing company, read all about small manufacturing in general, and your business in particular. It is often said about negotiators that the one with the most knowledge wins. I will start off with two works of total fiction because improving your negotiating skills should be fun. The first book is The Negotiator by Frederick Forsyth, a master of the international thriller. The Negotiator is a long book, but it’s a real page-turner. It made the best-seller list by being exciting — not because it was a good book about negotiating, even though it is. At one point or another in the book, every negotiating principle in this book is brought out in this well-told tale about a high-stakes negotiation. The story is about a man of immense power and a conspiracy to crush the President of the United States. The kidnapping of a young man on a country road in England is but the first brutal step in the explosive plot to engineer the president’s destruction. Only one man can prevent the plan from succeeding. This negotiator must draw upon his deepest strengths and skills to save not only the victim, but the entire free world. The second book is A Maiden’s Grave, by Jeffery Deaver, a man who knows how to write. His ninth thriller is about a 12-hour siege — a war of nerves between a captor and the FBI senior hostage negotiator. The book puts you in the middle of a delicate and dangerous hostage negotiation. Deaver describes the perverse bonding that takes place between a captor and the negotiator. If you ever doubted the importance of the pause button, this love affair between two adversaries should convince you otherwise. Deaver also describes the inner workings of the FBI hostage rescue team as they try to rescue eight deaf school girls and their teachers. Anything could happen as this book builds to a heart-stopping climax. My list also includes books by or about real-world negotiations. You get the participants’ version of the facts. These books take you inside the negotiation. Two examples are The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, & The Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter and Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco by Bryan Burrough & John Helyar. Bill Carter covers the television industry for The New York Times. He tells the behind-the-scenes story of two giant corporations and two quirky comedians with dreams and ambitions of their own: Jay Leno and David Letterman. This is a big story and an intense negotiation. It takes you

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step-by-step through a high-stakes negotiation with some of the most skilled negotiators in Hollywood. It also reveals, with surprising honesty, the mistakes and missteps of some of the most highly placed executives in television. Barbarians at the Gate is another totally true book that reads like a novel and was on The New York Times best-seller list for six months. This book tells the inside story of the largest corporate takeover in American history. The authors allow you to be a fly on the wall during the highest levels of negotiation. Because the authors also covered this hot story for the Wall Street Journal, they had tremendous access to the people who actually made the deal. The dialogue is as accurate as the memories of the people they interviewed. This reality adds to the book’s excitement. I also recommend books by or about great negotiators such as the following: Kissinger: A Biography by Walter Isaacson. Isaacson interviewed Kissinger and 150 other people who played a role in Kissinger’s life. The book covers Kissinger’s life from growing up as a Jewish child in Nazi Germany to his tortured relationship with President Nixon to his present-day success as an international business consultant. Talking Peace: A Vision for the Next Generation by Jimmy Carter. The book was originally intended to introduce children to the peace process. I recommend the book for its simplicity and the way Carter explains negotiation, mediation, and how to achieve win-win settlements. Carter founded The International Negotiation Network (INN) to seek peaceful ways to reduce civil conflicts and to prevent smaller-scale disputes from escalating into wars. Carter talks a great deal about negotiating skills in this book, with a special emphasis on the importance of preparation. This Side of Peace: A Personal Account by ‘Ha‘nan Ashr‘aw‘i. Ashr‘aw‘i is the highest-ranking woman involved in the Middle East negotiations. She is a Christian Arab woman in a Muslim, male-dominated world. She is also a working mother who is a pivotal peacemaker in the most monumental negotiations of our lifetime. The Middle East negotiations are as tough as negotiation gets. We think that no single situation tests the negotiation skills so thoroughly as the struggle for peace in the Middle East. Ashr‘aw‘i has a great deal to tell us about the Middle East. My list ends with three obvious choices about the techniques of negotiating. My recommendation is to avoid books that promote fad theories. These tried-and-true books stick with basics: Getting Ready to Negotiate: The Getting to Yes Workbook by Roger Fisher and Danny Ertel. This is one of the best-selling books on negotiating. I never thought that so many Americans would buy a workbook. This book’s success is one of the most exciting indications of the public thirst for self-improvement that seems to be sweeping the land. The book pays as much homage as we do to the importance of solid preparation and helps you see the lack of it in others when you encounter positional negotiating — what we call the take it or leave it offer. Selling For Dummies by Tom Hopkins. Selling is a special form of negotiating. I first learned of the ...For Dummies series in a bookstore in Toronto, Canada, when I was speaking at the Toronto

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International Film Festival. This small store had both Tom Hopkins’ book, Selling For Dummies, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s book, Sex For Dummies. Hopkins’ book covers some of the same ground as this one, but in different ways. Selling For Dummies is a good companion book to this one, regardless of your profession. The book is essential if your profession is selling. In addition to discussing many of the topics in this book (such as the importance of preparation, goal setting, and closing), Hopkins offers many solid tips about developing leads, keeping your spirits up as you experience rejection, and time planning. I highly recommend this book for everyone. Swim with the Sharks without Being Eaten Alive by Harvey Mackay. This book gives you valuable snippets of advice on negotiating, selling, and life — and he does it with humor and style. What a great way to start the day. In fact, this may be a case of saving the best for last. I have been a fan of this book for a long time. Pick any page at random and read it. Somehow, you feel as though you can take on the world. That is probably why Swim with the Sharks was on the best-seller list for so long. My books cover all the fundamentals of negotiating — in an organized and thorough manner. Harvey Mackay’s book takes your mind to a new level of enthusiasm and optimism about negotiating. Combine my books with the energy and optimism of Mackay’s book, and you will feel unbeatable in your business and in your life.

9. Debrief Yourself after Negotiations

Self-evaluation is one of the most important activities you can perform after every negotiation — regardless of the outcome. Think of the most satisfying negotiation you ever handled. Review each step and play it out in an imaginary parallel universe. Think of what you may have done differently and then consider the consequences. This exercise may feel like daydreaming, but devoting a few minutes in a traffic jam or in the shower to reviewing your previous negotiations can improve your performance the next time around. Evaluating negotiations that didn’t end well helps you discover what went wrong. Perhaps you’ll realize that it was really better not to have closed the deal. A problem during the negotiation is often an indicator that greater problems will arise if the deal closes. Self-evaluation is as important after successful negotiations as it is after failed ones. Even a winning game has room for improvement. And evaluating a winning game is much more fun. When you self-evaluate, the goal is to either help keep you on the path you set out for yourself or to help you determine a new path to follow. It is important to step back every few months and evaluate your actions, attitudes, achievements…or lack of achievements. Follow these four guidelines the next time you self-evaluate:

1. Be aware of harsh judgements from yourself and your critics. It’s easy to say, “I’m a failure” or “I’m just not good enough”. Your critics will add fuel to the

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fire by stating, “You don’t have time for that” or the ever popular, “Are you crazy?” It’s true that we’re usually our own worst critics, however these judgements are inaccurate and designed to make us fail.

2. Be aware of quick judgements. It’s easy to give up on yourself after a failed

negotiation. As often happens, if things don’t progress as expected, instead of tweaking it, you throw it out completely. It’s too easy to give up early. Successful negotiations take time and patience. Assess the parts before tossing out the negotiation completely.

3. Be aware of “sugar-coating” situations. For example, you tell yourself the

negotiation is progressing splendidly, when actually it’s not. By “sugar-coating”, I mean that you’re afraid to take an in-depth look at the reality of the situation. “Sugar-coating” matters doesn’t lead to growth and success. You’re bound to hit obstacles, so make time to truly examine your progress.

4. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Let’s say the negotiaion progresses

splendidly. Things are going according to planned. Allow yourself time to “toot your own horn.” It’s a good confidence builder. Don’t minimize your accomplishment, even if the victory is small. Instead build on it and feel good about it.

10. Know More Than Anybody Else in the Business

Whatever you do for a living, make sure no one on the planet knows more about the business than you do. No matter what your education level, start today to become the best. What you do is important. What you do is worthwhile. What you do helps your fellow human in some way. Be sure the Earth is a better place for the contribution you are making. I am reminded of the stonecutter who worked long, hard, lonely hours in the rock quarry. He took home barely enough money for his family to live. He toiled in all kinds of weather. He never missed a day of work. Every stone was cut true square. He was always cheerful. When asked what kept him going, he said, “I am building a cathedral.” Identify the cathedral you are building and know the work you do is valuable. Seeing the larger purpose to the work of your life provides the inspiration to become the best and most knowledgeable in your field. This is true no matter how routine your work may seem. Most jobs require regular negotiation on the same type of transactions over and over. Keep good records of the outcomes of these negotiations and evaluate your results. Don’t try to rely on your memory. You will soon have a data bank of information that will give you an upper hand in your next negotiation.

11. Be a Mentor

I know, I know, this is supposed to be ten ways to become a master negotiator. But being a mentor is so important to your development as a negotiator and as a person, I couldn’t resist

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including it as number 11. A mentor is a teacher, a trainer, and a helper to someone who is junior to you in your same profession — often, someone just starting out. Always have time to help others on their way up. Rodgers and Hammerstein offer some profound lines about the value of being a mentor in The King and I, the musical about the governess who went to teach all the children of the King of Siam (now Thailand). Anna, the governess, is talking to the children who are gathered around her just before she bursts into the wonderful song, Getting to Know You: It’s a very ancient saying and a true and honest thought, that if you become a teacher, By your pupils you’ll be taught.

Being a mentor is good for the soul. It tends to your mental health. There are many reasons why being a mentor is vaulable to the other person. Most importantly, they get the value of your knowledge and experience. You allow your mentee the chance to advance more rapidly in their career than they would have without your insight and advice. Being a mentor takes time and energy, but think of the benefits you’ll reap from such an experience. Here are five potential benefits:

1. You’ll be re-energized. Mentees will most likely be enthusistic walking into an office. Their enthusisam will naturally rub off on you.

2. You’ll increase your own commitment to your career and business. As you

get more enthused, you see new ways you can contribute to your own career. This new vision will increase your commitment.

3. You’ll expand your knowledge by teaching. As a mentor, you share and teach

ideas. You will learn and re-learn these concepts and ideas as you pass them on to your mentee. You’ll find yourself taking your own advice to your professional benefit.

4. You’ll boost your confidence and self-esteem. It feels good to help others.

You’ll feel better about yourself when you share your knowledge and experience with your mentee. It will boost your self-esteem because you are doing good things for someone else. Seeing your business relationship with your mentee progress can have a positive impact by making you see that you can make a difference in someone’s life.

5. You’ll increase your skills. Skills involved in mentoring include listening,

building trust and empathy. These are skills that you use when negotiating, so it’s safe to say that being a mentor will make you more effective in other parts of your life. Being a mentor is actually great training in itself.

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As you help someone else grow, you grow yourself. You strengthen your own skills as you hear yourself share them with others. I find that no activity helps me grow more predictably as helping those who are new to our professions. I urge you to look around your workplace. Find some new person with talent and interest and enthusiasm. Make it your business to be available to that person for any question, any time. Take that person on key appointments when appropriate. Everybody needs a mentor. Your own professional negotiations will benefit as much as those of the person you are helping. For more on becoming a fearless negotiator check out my book: Fearless Negotiating, The Wish-Want-Want Method to Reaching Agreements You Want

www.FearlessNegotiating.com