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TheCharacteristicsofPassive,AggressiveandAssertiveCommunication

Evenifwewanttoactassertively,wemaynotbeabletoifwedonotrecognisethedifferenceinstylesof

communication. Forinstance,aggressivebehaviourissometimesmisidentifiedasbeingassertive.Itis

importantforustobeabletocorrectlyidentifyourownandothersstylesofcommunication.Thereshouldbe

aconsistentmessagesentinyourverbalandnonverbalcommunication;forexampleevenifyourwordsare

assertive(Idonotlikeitwhenyoudothat),yourbodylanguageandothernonverbalcuesmaybepassive

oraggressive(headdown,softvoice;orloudangryvoice,clenchedfists).Ifyouaresendingmixedsignalsin

thiswayitmayunderminetheeffectivenessofyourassertivemessage.Beingawareofthecharacteristicsofthe

differentstyleswillalsohelpyoubetterchoosehowtorespondtoanotherpersonscommunicationwithyou.

Itisimportanttorealisethedifferentstylesofcommunicationhavetheirbenefitsaswellascosts.Evenbeing

assertivecomeswithacostforinstance,peoplemayhavebecomeaccustomedtoyouactinginapassiveway,

andsoarenotwillingorhappytodealwithyoubeingassertiveandmayresistyoureffortstochangeyour

styleofcommunication.

Youcanusethefollowingdescriptorstohelprecogniseyourcurrentstylesofcommunication,andtofindsome

suggestionsfornewwaystotry.

Characteristics

of

Passive

Communication

Definition:

Notexpressinghonestfeelings,thoughtsandbeliefs.Therefore,allowingotherstoviolateyourrights.

Canalsomeanexpressingthoughtsandfeelingsinanapologetic,selfeffacingwaysothatothers

easilydisregardthem.

Violatingyourownrights.

Alsosometimesshowingasubtlelackofrespectfortheotherpersonsabilitytotakedisappointments,

shouldersomeresponsibility,orhandletheirownproblems.

Verbalcharacteristics:

longramblingsentences

beataroundthebush

hesitant,filledwithpauses

frequentthroatclearing

apologiseinappropriatelyinasoftunsteadyvoice

usingphrasessuchasifitwouldntbetoomuchtrouble

fillinwords,e.g.,maybe,er,um,sortof

voiceoftendullandmonotonous

tonemybesingsongorwhining

oversoftoroverwarm

quiet

often

dropping

away

frequentjustifications,e.g.,Iwouldntnormallysayanything

apologies,e.g.,Imterriblysorrytobotheryou..

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qualifiers,e.g.,ItsonlymyopinionorImightbewrong

selfdismissal,

e.g.,

Its

not

important

or

It

doesnt

really

matter

selfputdowns,e.g.,Imuseless...hopelessorYouknowme...

Nonverbalcharacteristics:

avertinggaze

lookingdown

posturecanbeslouched

wringinghands

winkingorlaughingwhenexpressinganger

coveringmouthwithhand

crossing

arms

for

protection

ghostsmileswhenexpressingangerorbeingcriticised

raisingeyebrowsinanticipation

jawtrembling

lipbiting

Thinkingstyle:

Idontcount

Myfeelings,needsandthoughtsarelessimportantthanyours

Peoplewillthinkbadlyofmeornotlikeme

IfIsaynothenImayupsetsomeone,Iwillberesponsibleforupsettingthem

Payoff:

Praisedforbeingselfless,agoodsport

Rarelyblamedifthingsgowrongbecauseyouhaventusuallyshowninitiative

Otherswillprotectandlookafteryou

Avoid,postponeorhideconflictsoinshorttermcanleadtoreductionofanxiety

Cost:

Sometimespronetobuildupofstressandangerthatcanexplodeinareallyaggressivemanner

Othersoftenmakeunreasonabledemandsofyou

Canget

stuck

in

relationships

that

arent

healthy

and

find

it

very

difficult

to

change

Restrictselfintootherpeoplesimageofalovablegoodperson

Whenrepressingangerandfrustrationthisdiminishesothermorepositivefeelingsinyou

Lossofselfesteem

CharacteristicsofAggressiveCommunication

Definition:

Youstandupforyourpersonalrightsandexpressyourthoughts,feelingsandbeliefsinawaythatis

usuallyinappropriate

and

always

violates

the

rights

of

the

other

person.

Peopleoftenfeeldevastatedbyanencounterwithanaggressiveperson

Superiorityismaintainedbyputtingothersdown.

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Whenthreatenedyouattack.

Verbalcharacteristics:

Strident,sarcasticorcondescendingvoice

Fluent,fewhesitations

Oftenabrupt,clipped

Oftenfast

Emphasisingblamingwords

Firmvoice

Tonesarcastic,cold,harsh

Voicecanbestrident,oftenshouting,risingatend

Use

of

threats,

e.g.,

Youd

better

watch

out

or

If

you

dont...

Putdowns,e.g.,Youvegottobekidding...orDontbesostupid

Evaluativecomments,emphasisingconceptssuchas:should,bad,ought

Sexual/racistremarks

Boastfulness,e.g.,Ihaventgotproblemslikeyours

Opinionsexpressedasfact,e.g.,NobodywanttobehavelikethatorThatsauselesswaytodoit

Threateningquestions,e.g.,Haventyoufinishedthatyet?orWhyonearthdidyoudoitlikethat?

Nonverbalcharacteristics:

Intrudingintotheotherpersonsspace

Staringtheotherpersonout

Gesturessuch

as

pointing,

fist

clenching

Stridingaroundimpatiently

Leaningforwardorover

Crossingarms(unapproachable)

Smilingmaybecomesneering

Scowlingwhenangry

Jawssetfirm

Thinkingstyle:

Illgetyoubeforeyouhaveachanceofgettingme

Imoutfornumberone

TheworldisabattlegroundandIamouttowin

Payoffs:

Yougetotherstodoyourbidding

Thingstendtogoyourway

Youarelessvulnerable

Youlikethefeelingofbeingincontrol

Releaseoftension

Youfeelpowerful

Price:

Yourbehaviourwillcreateenemiesandresentmentinthosearoundyou

Thiscanresultinasenseofparanoiaandfear

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Ifyouarealwaystryingtocontrolothersitcanbedifficultforyoutorelax

Yourrelationships

will

tend

to

be

based

on

negative

emotions

and

are

likely

to

be

unstable

Aggressivepeopletendtofeelinferiordeepdownandtrytocompensateforthatbyputtingothers

down

Feelingsofguiltandshame

Decreasingselfconfidenceandselfesteem

CharacteristicsofAssertiveCommunication

Definition:

Away

of

communicating

our

feelings,

thoughts,

and

beliefs

in

an

open,

honest

manner

without

violatingtherightsofothers

Itisanalternativetobeingaggressivewhereweabuseotherpeoplesrights,andpassivewherewe

abuseourownrights.

Verbalcharacteristics:

Firm,relaxedvoice

Fluent,fewhesitations

Steadyevenpace

Toneismiddlerange,richandwarm

Sincere

and

clear

Notoverloudorquiet

Voiceappropriatelyloudforthesituation

Istatements(Ilike,Iwant,Idontlike)thatarebriefandtothepoint

Cooperativephrases,e.g.,Whatareyourthoughtsonthis

Emphaticstatementsofinterest,e.g.,Iwouldliketo

Distinctionbetweenfactandopinion,e.g.,Myexperienceisdifferent

Suggestionswithoutshouldsoroughtse.g.,HowaboutorWouldyouliketo

Constructivecriticismwithoutblame,e.g.,Ifeelirritatedwhenyouinterruptme

Seekingothersopinions,e.g.,Howdoesthisfitinwithyourideas

Willingnesstoexploreothersolutions,e.g.,Howcanwegetaroundthisproblem?

Nonverbalcharacteristics:

Receptivelistening

Directeyecontactwithoutstaring

Erect,balanced,openbodystance

Openhandmovements

Smilingwhenpleased

Frowningwhenangry

Featuressteady

Jawrelaxed

Thinkingstyle:

IwontallowyoutotakeadvantageofmeandIwontattackyouforbeingwhoyouare

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Payoffs:

Themoreyoustandupforyourselfandactinamanneryourespect,thehigheryourselfesteem Yourchancesofgettingwhatyouwantoutoflifeimprovegreatly

Expressingyourselfdirectlyatthetimemeansthatresentmentdoesntbuildup

Ifyouarelessdrivenbytheneedsofselfprotectionandlesspreoccupiedwithselfconsciousnessthen

youcansee,hearandloveothersmoreeasily

Price:

Friends/familymayhavebenefitedfromyoubeingpassiveandmaysabotageyournewassertiveness

Youarereshapingbeliefsandvaluesyouhaveheldsincechildhoodandthiscanbefrightening

Thereisnoguaranteeofoutcome

Thereis

often

pain

involved

in

being

assertive

Information taken from the Centre For Clinical Interventions series on Assertiveness

(http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au)