The Modern Compendium of Despicable Jerks

By John Prescott

Illustrated by Tom Kerr

Copyright 2014 John Prescott,All rights reserved.

Published in eBook format by eBookIt.comhttp://www.eBookIt.com

ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-2172-8

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

ForewordIt’s not as easy it is looks. The knack for showing the ridiculous side of current events... exaggerating the facts to the amusement of his readers...put Will Rogers on a pedestal.

Despicable Jerks’ John Prescott may well be from the same mold.

Or at least the same longitude.

In the 3-odd decades John and I have been colleagues, he has been a producer, speechwriter, news director, military media liaison and gentleman farmer.

His work flows with great certainty. It entrains and conditions brains. He rarely seems to miss the mark.

He and artist Tom Kerr are at the top of their game in this collection. Tom skewers; John plunges through the open door. They’re fluent across all spectrums.

I’ve spent most of my career reading a teleprompter.

Had John been writing, I might have avoided the clichés and laugh tracks of that vocation a bit longer!

Despicable Jerks is a great read.

Probably what Will Rogers would be reading.

- Chuck Roberts, CNN/Headline News Anchor [1981-2011]

Table of Contents

This compendium is a highly opinionated, occasionally bogus representation of the most egregious modern examples of both common irritating folks and the rich and powerful who demean others while enriching themselves. It also includes real villains. See if you can tell the difference. The subjects of this book barely scratch the surface of the total number of jerks worldwide. However, they are excellent examples of those who often wallow in a putrid pool of self-aggrandizement. This effort is offered in the same loathsome spirit by equal opportunity offenders and is intended to be all in fun, but not necessarily fun for all.

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The Modern Compendium of Despicable Jerks categorizes our selections into the following chapters. Enjoy!

Chapter One: Political Jerks

Chapter Two: Real People Who Will Probably Go to Hell

Chapter Three: Real People Who May Already Be in Hell

Chapter Four: Real People Who Will Probably Not Go To Hell, but Live in the Suburbs

Chapter Five: Everyday Jerks You Know By Other Names

Chapter One: Political Jerks

Ted Cruz

Ted is the worst Cruz since Gilligan’s Island. Gilligan only stranded a few people after they embarked on a three-hour adventure. Ted stranded the U.S. government and capsized it much like that stupid cruise ship captain’s trick off the coast of Italy. Why? He didn’t want to pay the bill for things he’s already purchased and scrap laws that had already been passed into law. Ted was born by the grace of God under a pretty darn good health system in Alberta, Canada. Yet even his fellow Canadians often say, “Ted is a lyin’ ass, his feet stink, and Jesus don’t love him.” And those are his friends. Cooler heads eventually pulled his head out of the tea, paid the bills and enforced the law, but it appears U.S. politics has not heard the last of this smooth talking self-proclaimed “patriot” (or as they say in Canada, “pahtrioot.”)

Long may he wave...bye-bye

Rob Ford

Rob is the only despicable jerk who just can’t seem to help himself from openly embracing the title. The Toronto Mayor was astonishingly honest with reporters when he admitted using cocaine only because he was in a drunken stupor at the time. It’s tough to beat that kind of despicably jerky honesty. But Rob came close when he was later accused of sexually harassing a female co-worker. Rob said he didn’t need her favors because his own wife was the moral equivalent of the hottest mama in Canada’s largest city. He refuses to resign his office. He is a profane loud-mouthed caricature. And he is a gift to reporters everywhere as he keeps the headlines focused away from truly serious issues that are a lot more difficult and expensive to cover than the most obnoxious public servant in North America.

If you don’t want to step in it stay out of the sewer

Mad Anthony Weiner

The former New York congressman successfully screwed himself with his own penis, plus a massive deficit of common sense. This seven-term representative sent pictures of his “Mighty Wurlitzer” through cyberspace, made internet sexy-talk with several women and then lied about it. When the best you can say about an elected official is, “He’s just like Charlie Sheen, except for the honesty part,” you know there’s trouble brewing.

Oh Lordy, I’ve been hacked!

Herman Cain

When Herman Cain responded to allegations of sexual harassment during the 2012 presidential campaign, he said, “We are taking this head on.” If he had used similar words as a suggestion to any of his accusers back when he was running the National Restaurant Association, his presidential aspirations would have smelled like pepperoni gone bad. His eventual excuse should have been simple. As a successful businessman and former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, it would not have been unusual to hear him routinely shout, “Eat THIS!” Cain may need to quit politics for good, return to the food business, link arms with disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner and open a bipartisan chain called Godfather’s Weiners.

I can’t be able if I’m Cain

John Edwards

Long before he was a candidate for President and years away from impregnating a hot blond while his wife was dying of cancer, John Edwards was already making a name for himself in the highest tradition of legal jerks. A successful and wealthy attorney, John gained fame for winning bazillion dollar settlements from large companies by, for example, convincing juries the companies had “coerced” employees to “work” by offering them “income.” He believed everyone with large amounts of money was guilty of something and should pay for their real and imagined crimes. At least he believed it until he asked people with lots of money to pay the hot blond lots of money so he could hide his despicable behavior. It’s said that as a boy, John was often taunted by playmates for his wearing of three-piece suits to third grade class and carrying his lunch in a briefcase.

Lie? Cheat? Steal? Why I’m the ideal president!

Hairbrain Club For Men

While former President Bill “Cigar Man” Clinton will forever be the champion of this club and former World Bank President Dominique Strauss-Khan was accused of even worse behavior, this trio deserves a special place in the pantheon of politicians who betray women who are loyal, attractive, talented, rich and famous (any two will do). Sexual misconduct by rich and powerful men is nothing new, but Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edwards have blazed the most recent public rockets (imagery intended) of self-destructive behavior across the political stratosphere. If only they were funnier they could play the three stooges with their pants down.

The Three Musketeers, Assos, Promiscuous and Arnold

Wing Nuts

Democratic Congressman Lance Wiltfong of Fois Gras, California, and Republican Congressman Bobby “Buck” Shott of Crappopolis, South Carolina, will never agree on anything except this: Compromise equals capitulation. Lance grew up reading Karl Marx and knows big corporations are the root of all evil. Bobby grew up reading Ayn Rand and knows labor unions are the root of all evil. Lance will never accept pension reform for public employees – many of whom are relatives. Bobby will never accept higher taxes on the wealthy because he knows they create jobs – in foreign countries. Each of these characters will ensure the other guy wins his next election. With no compromise, the public always loses since neither wing stands a chance of totally eclipsing the other. However, Lance and Bobby always win when nothing is done and nothing changes.

Democracy in inaction

Eric Holder

The Attorney General of the United States cast a chilling pall over American journalism when his zeal to stop government leaks led to tapping phones of the Associated Press. Who knows the harm it may cause to press freedom when….excuse me, there’s someone at the door. Hello. You’re from where? You plan to do what if keep writing this Despicable Jerk entry? Get off my frickin’ lawn. Okay, now where was I? Oh yes, Eric Holder. Did you know his middle name is Himpton. Not even an original Himpton, he’s Himpton JUNIOR. (SOUND OF SOMEONE BREAKING THROUGH A DOOR. VOICE: “OKAY LOUDMOUTH, YOU’RE COMING WITH US.” THEN SILENCE.)

Do you seek justice? Because justice seeks you!

Rush Limbaugh

It’s certainly no secret Rush Limbaugh is a famous and long-time jerk as he himself admits when he says, “for over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity.” His limp apology for calling a young woman law student a “slut” because of her testimony before a congressional committee simply highlights the absurdity his listeners expect. The bloviated expulsions from his well-molded hips and thighs are the delight of all the “dittoheads” who listen to him.

On the air? No, over the top

Jefferson and Hamilton

Every Fourth of July features patriotic speeches by wing nuts on the left and right – each side claiming they are heirs to the “truth” spoken by the founding fathers. Here’s the thing. Both sides are correct. Founders Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton were at war with a conflicting understanding of American power and the American people long before there was a constitution to argue about. Hamilton loved bankers and financiers and felt government existed to help them compete in the global market. That may be why he is on the ten-dollar bill. Jefferson loved the little guy, especially farmers, and felt government should be helping the common man on whom the commercialists preyed. He only made the two-dollar bill. Hamilton wanted the few to rule in the name of the people, but Jefferson wanted the many. It’s a bit more complicated than that, but in the end they compromised and formed a government. The jerks who rule in their place have the differences down perfectly. Now, if they only reflected a bit more on the founder’s record of compromise…

OK, let’s comprimise, our descendants will be despicable jerks.

Rod Blagojevich

While there is nothing unusual about Illinois governors facing criminal charges, Rod Blagojevich brings a new and supremely obnoxious attitude to the scenario. It’s not just his unique hair style. It’s more than his love of media attention and strange choices of program venues for his television appearances. It goes to the heart of his rise to power. By selling Chicago’s Grant Park to a series of real estate developers, Blagojevich earned his reputation as the world’s best salesman of bullshit. “He sold Wrigley Field five times that I know of,” according to a trusted advisor. “This guy can talk his way into or out of anything.” Many expect Blagojevich to one day become governor of Louisiana.

Rod sells more seats than the Nebraska Furniture Mart

Julian Assange

This vile opportunist’s leak has stained U.S. government interests around the world at a most importune time and with various wars to handle plus maniacs in charge of North Korea and Iran. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is already a popular fellow -- wanted in Sweden on suspicion of rape and sexual molestation. WikiLeaks has published more than 250,000 diplomatic cables from U.S. embassies around the world in what it says is the largest-ever disclosure of confidential information. The only information that seems obvious is that this guy stands high atop the list of despicable jerks.

Assange? No, Ass****

About the Authors

The writer:

John Prescott’s background includes two decades in television news, working every position from intern, reporter and photographer to assignment editor, executive producer and news director.

He moved to corporate communications at Union Pacific Railroad working a wide range of projects, including an overseas assignment covering Union Pacific’s assistance to Poland’s State Railway as it adapted to a market economy and the railroad’s 1996 and 2002 Olympic Torch Relay trains.

Moving on to become the first civilian speechwriter on the Commander’s staff at United States Strategic Command, Prescott worked with military professionals from the United States Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines to support speaking engagements for the Commander and Deputy Commander crafting language for major policy speeches and key command messages as well as video scripts and professional articles for military publications – including two for Joint Force Quarterly.

Before starting his own communication consulting business, Prescott worked as Senior Media Advisor for the Global Innovation and Strategy Center, United States Strategic Command.

Prescott’s work has earned two Silver Quill Awards from the International Association of Business Communicators and Gold and Silver Reel Awards from the International Television Association.

In recent years Prescott has served as head writer for the Omaha Press Club’s annual Gridiron Show, spoofing politicians and

earning money for a foundation annually presenting $30,000 in scholarships to journalism students at three universities.

The illustrator:

Tom Kerr has gained an international reputation as an illustrator and cartoonist. His work has appeared in locations as diverse as Moscow, Papua New Guinea, Melbourne (Australia) and Manhattan.

His early career was spent in Australia as a cartoonist, caricaturist and designer for the Melbourne Sun. Since returning to the United States, he has worked as a newspaper designer, editorial cartoonist, illustrator and now, as a full-time freelancer. Kerr’s most high profile freelance client is the National Crime Prevention Council whose main character, McGruff the Crime Dog, is a cultural icon.

Print media clients include The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe, Philadelphia Enquirer, Detroit Free Press, Asbury Park Press, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, Australian Women’s Weekly, Cricket, Cobblestone, Spider and World Tennis magazines.

His book publishing credits include recent titles “You’re Not Getting Better, You’re Getting Older”, “A Dad’s Guide to Babies”, “Welcome to Dinsmore the World’s Greatest Store”, and “Congratulations, It’s a Dog”. He has illustrated over 30 books to date for a variety of publishers including Barrons Educational Series, Andrews & McMeel, Stark Books, and Becker&Mayer!, Ltd.

Kerr’s work has earned honors from the Society for Newspaper Design, Print Magazine, The New Jersey Press Association and the National Cartoonists Society.