The Parent-Teen Relationship - How Parents Can Make the Most of It

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    The Paren t-Teen Re lationship :How Parents Can Maketh e Most of It

    Enjoy them now, theyll soon beteen agers! Warn ings like th is fromfriends and relatives, together withmedia images of adolescents asirresponsible, rebellious troublemakers,can lead parents to expect trouble as

    their children enter pu berty. It is a rareparent wh o does not approach a childsadolescence without some misgivings.But family life does not have to be abattleground during the teenage years.Parents and teens can live together,more or less harmoniously, if parentsknow what to expect and are willing tomake some adjustments in the waythey th ink an d act.

    The pu rpose of these fact sheets is tohelp paren ts cope more effectivelyduring th eir children s adolescence.Although this information is intendedmainly for paren ts of teen agers, it isgeneral enough to be useful to parentsof youn ger children as well. The first

    fact sheet discussed the way teenagersdevelop and what parents can do tohelp them through this time in th eirlife. This second fact sheet focuses onstrategies parents can use to deal withtypical teenage behaviour.

    The Cult ural Con te xt

    Teen s get bad press. All too oftenpublicity about teenagers highlights thones in trouble: the ru naways and th elawbreakers. You rarely hear about thhospital volunteers and the campcounsellors.

    Teens have n o status, no recognizedplace in ou r society. We no longer n eethem to do essential chores like milkincows or chopping wood jobs thatgave them a sense of usefulness andworth . (Even wh en teens workpart-time, their earnings are not usuanecessary for their familys survival).

    Information from...

    Th e Nation al Clearingho u seon Fam ily Violence

    Cat. H72-22/16-1995EISBN 0-662-21708-X

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    Young people used to grow up qu ickly.Now we requ ire them to be dependentand regimented until they acquire theeducation they need to find jobs in a

    techn ology-oriented society.Social isolation is another problem. Thetren d toward smaller families, increasedmobility and the high divorce rate oftenmean there are no relatives close by tohelp teens and their parents get overthe rough spots. When friction developsbetween paren t and teenager, theremay be no one to turn to for help and

    advice, no one who can step in anddefuse the situation.

    Not surprisingly, paren ts sometimes feeloverwh elmed by th e stress of bringingup teenagers. But there are steps wecan take to make th ings better. We canbegin by remembering our ownadolescence. Asking ourselves questionslike How much did I share with myparents? How critical andargumentative was I at that stage? andWhat were my worries and dreams?can h elp u s accept ou r teen s behaviourbetter.

    Some things are tru e in every age andin every culture. Adolescence is alwaysa struggle for indepen dence it iscommon for teen agers to challengetheir parents.

    Teen s still cope, as we did, with majorphysical changes, emotional ups an ddown s, unfamiliar sexual urges, peer

    pressure, a changing identity, importalife decisions and the resultingloneliness and anxiety.

    The world is chan ging rapidly anddiffers in m any ways from the one wegrew u p in. Teens today face a morecomplex an d impersonal society.Alcohol and dru gs are more easilyavailable. Todays teen s also h ave toworry abou t AIDS, violence anduncertain job prospects.

    The pressures on todays teens are

    intense. Young people have become amajor target group for advertisers andmedia hucksters, who constantly urgethem to grow up quickly and h ave it a now!

    Fam ily Relation ships

    Teens are out of balance at the sametime as their parents are struggling witheir own mid-life pressures. Whileteens are dismayed by each n ewpimple, parents may be agonizing oveeach new wrinkle. While teens arethinking in terms of the time ahead anthe opportunities it will bring, parentsare beginn ing to think in terms of timremaining and the opportunities thatare diminishing. While teens aregradually acquiring more personalpower, parents are often beginn ing toconfront their own limitations. Givingup power over their children m ay bedifficult. Good paren ts aim at workingthemselves out of their job, but thedifficult part is knowing how and wheto let go.

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    Parents are not the on ly ones strugglingwith mixed feelings. As teen agers try toestablish their identity, they have toadjust to the loss of childhood security

    and accept increasing responsibility.As our children work towardindependence and self-control, ourattitude to their struggle is crucial totheir success. Paren ts and teenagers willboth do much better if parents can keepa sense of perspective.

    When paren ts and teens are getting

    along, family life can be wonderful.Teen s really are en joyable an denergizing. Their wit an d h igh spiritsmake them fun to be around. Butwh en parents and teens are at odds, theteen age propen sity for sullen silenceand rejection can confuse and frustratetheir parents.

    Life with teen agers is an emotionalrollercoaster; certainly an adultmarriage with so man y ups and downswould be considered u nstable. Luckily,for parents and adolescents thison-again, off-again relationship isnorm al and n othing to worry about inthe long run .

    Make the most of the good times withyour teens. Think about your childrenslikeable qualities even when theyretemporarily exhibiting their unlikeableones. It is important for parents to seethe instability in the relationship forwh at it is a necessary part of theteen s development in separating fromhis or her parents.

    Handling An ger

    Growing up is difficult sometimes andanger plays a key part in the process o

    separating from parents. Teens resentbeing dependen t, but theyre afraid ofhaving to take care of themselves. Theare an noyed at being treated like anadult one minu te and a child the n extbut they often behave inconsistentlythemselves. And then they bristle whyou point th is out to them.

    Understanding your teenagers anger

    will help you respond to it moreconstructively.

    In a society that often appears tocondone violence as a way of solvingproblems, we need to help our teenscontrol their anger and express it safe especially their anger at parents.Remember that anger is a normalemotion and that other feelings likehelplessness, hurt, frustration,confusion and guilt are often expresseas anger. Ask you rself: How can ateenager in our home express anger inacceptable ways? Do we provide ourteen ager with any safety valve to blowoff steam? We must make it clear toour teens that yelling, cursing, hittingand other forms of aggression areunacceptable.

    There arenon-violent ways to work off anger: stomping off to on es room,pounding a pillow, twisting a towel,crying, talking it ou t, writing in a diaror doing some form of physical

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    exercise. In helping teens to deal withtheir anger, the example we set iscrucial.

    Like younger children, teens take theircues from us. It is therefore importantthat we be aware of our ownbehaviour, so that we dont becomepart of the problem. Teen s often like tobait their parents, and mothers andfathers who overreact can be drawninto a destructive pattern of pointlessarguments. The last thing anout-of-control teen n eeds is an

    out-of-control parent. Mothers andfathers need to ask themselves How doI behave when Im an gry at my teen?Would I wan t my teen to imitate me?

    Parents can work off anger using thetechniques suggested above too. Whenyou feel your temperatu re rising oversomething your child has said or done,consciously force yourself to back off.Take time out. Give yourself a chanceto cool off and relax a little beforeconfronting the issue. It will help youkeep th ings in perspective.

    The way you talk is important . In th eheat of argumen t, if you cant helpsounding off about you r teen sbehaviour, do it without attacking hisor her personality. A practical approachis to start your senten ces with the wordI followed by a statement of yourfeelings. I dont like it when you usethat kind of language or Im reallyupset when you take your an ger out on

    me. This way you will avoid layingblame. In oth er words, speak as youwou ld be spoken to.

    The way you listen is important too indraining off your teens anger. It can bpassive listen ing silence is sometimgolden . A more u seful way to listen isby trying to un derstand what feelingslie behind your teen s actions or wordYour response should start with theword you , as in You soun d like yourpretty frustrated, or You look likeyoure really fed u p. We all know ho

    important it is to feel heard an dunderstood, especially when we areupset. Remember that you shou ld listtwice as much as you talk.

    Th e Dos an d Dont s o f Paren t-Tee n Com m un ication

    q Dont argue with th e way your teensees things. Instead, state your owncase and speak from that. I have adifferen t opinion, This is wh at Ibelieve, and This is the way I see i

    q Dont talk down to your teen ager.Theres nothing more irritating thancondescending tone.

    q Dont lecture or preach. Again, thisonly provokes hostility. Besides, theaverage teenager goes deaf afterhearing about five senten ces.

    q Dont set limits you cant enforce.q Do focus on th e behaviour, not the

    person.q Do th ink ah ead to what you will say

    and how you will say it.

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    q Do keep your messages clear andconcise.

    q Do stick to one issue at a time.

    Rules and Discipline

    Its normal for adolescents to try to testthe ru les. Because adolescents aredependent on their paren ts for a longtime, they can build up a great deal of resentment. This resentment can beexpressed by defying parentalrestrictions.

    Some rules are non-negotiable likeDont drink and drive but keepthese to a minimum. Parents who makea major confrontation out of everyminor issue risk losing all theirinfluence with their teenagers. Indemanding quiet submission, they mayunwittingly create a simmering foe.Whenever possible, state ru les asguidelines rather than ultimatums.Otherwise, family life will become aseries of power struggles.

    Parents need to help their childrenmake the transition from parentaldiscipline to self-discipline. For th is tohappen , teens need to learn h ow tonegotiate and how to cooperate insetting rules and solving problems.

    Today, as their horizons expand, teensare more often ou t of our sight; theyneed to learn h ow to think forthemselves so they can make the rightchoices when parents are not around.

    You can h elp your teen practisenegotiating, and redirect en ergy thatmight be wasted in power struggles.

    Successful teen-parent negotiationdepends on th ree things:

    1. Involving your teen in the processwh en you m ake ru les, set limits orreach decisions.

    2. Keeping as calm and rational aspossible even when emotions runhigh. It is especially importan t tocontrol your an ger.

    3. Using the following specificproblem-solving method, whichhelps keep n egotiations focused onthe issue.

    Problem solving has several steps:identifying the issue for negotiation,brainstorming solutions, evaluating annarrowing down the alternatives untiyou get a solution that you both canlive with, making an agreement andevaluating the outcome.

    In m atters of discipline, it is helpful tosee inappropriate or unacceptablebehaviour as a mistake in judgment ochoice that carries consequences foryour teen. If your teen behaves badly,make your feelings knownimmediately. Expressing sadness ordisappointment about you r teensunacceptable behaviour is moreconstructive than expressing anger. Thformer leaves the problem where itbelongs with you r teen while thlatter shifts the focus toyou .

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    The next step would be to negotiatewith the teen the appropriateconsequences for th e misbehaviour sothat the teen can make amends and be

    motivated to do better in th e future.By asserting themselves, parents projectby word and action the message I loveyou too much to stand by and see youdo something hurtful. When you showme by your behaviour th at you canhandle things better, Ill back off.

    While resolving the immediate issue at

    hand is important, its even morecrucial for parents to take a long-rangeview. Their job is to help teen s developthe ability to make good decisions forthemselves.

    Young people not only lack experience,but also often have little foresight.Parents should teach their teens toth ink like chess players: before theymake a move, they should try toanticipate the consequences. What willhappen to me if I make this nextdecision or choice?At the same time, parents should beasking them selves What can I do inthis situation to h elp my teen be moreresponsible?

    Positive Parenting

    Growing up is often discouraging.Telling your teenagers I love you isless important than showing in tangibleways that you care. One of the bestways is by helping your teenagers

    believe in th emselves. And teens willonly believe in th emselves if they knowe have confidence in them .

    Try to recognize th eir efforts and th egood things they do, and reassurethem, at every possible opportunity,that th ey have the qualities we wan tfor them. Give them the message Idont always understand what is goinon with you but Im on your side andI have faith that you will sort things oand land on your feet.

    Caring fo r the Caregiv er

    Our culture is often as unhelpful toparents as it is to teens. Parents areexpected to know h ow to rear theirchildren , and to do a perfect job withvery little support.

    When our children reach adolescencewe are caught in a classic double bindWe have to give up control, but societdoes not allow us to relinquishresponsibility. Paren ts are still heldaccoun table for the behaviour of theiroffspring sometimes even aftertheyve left home.

    With the loss of power also comes thebittersweet experience of giving upbeing needed. After years of doing forour children , the fact that they can n odo for them selves can bring on a sensof loss. This is especially tru e for parenwh o have put their whole heart andsoul into childrearing.

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    You have to take care of yourself through the teen years as your childrenbegin to need you less and challengeyou more. This mean s setting aside

    time, each day if possible, to fulfilyour physical and emotional needs. This willrestore your energy and sense of perspective.

    Relationships with other adu lts areimportant. If you are a single parent,friends and oth er paren ts of teens canbe valuable confidants. If you aremarried or involved with someone,

    take time ou t to nurtu re and enjoy therelationship with your partner.Marriages can often come under stressduring this stage. We need to take careof ourselves and sustain ourrelationships if we want to providestability to our teens during thisturbulent time in their lives.

    Wh ere t o Tu rn fo r Help

    Every paren t feels overwhelmed fromtime to time. If you feel your family lifeis continually in turmoil or if you arealways worried about your teens, youcan reach out to other paren ts, asparents have always done, for ideas andsupport. You can look for family lifeeducation groups or groups for paren tswith special needs. There is also a greatdeal of family life education materialavailable in audio, video and printedform. Similar m aterial for people of differen t cultural backgrounds isbeginning to become available. You canalso ask you r school, doctor or clergy

    for n ames of agencies where you canget professional counselling andparenting advice.

    Suggested Readings

    Bibby, Reginald, and Donald PosterskThe Emerging Generation . Toronto: IrwinPublishing Co., 1980.Brenton , Myron:How to Survive Your Childs Rebellious Years . Toron to: BantamBooks, 1980.Briggs, Dorothy.Your Childs Self Esteem .New York: Doubleday and Co., 1970.Cloutier, Richard.Mieux vivre avec nosadolescents . Montreal: ditions le Jou r,1994.Falardeau, Guy.La sexualit des jeunes.Un pdiatre raconte . Mon treal: ditions leJour, 1994.Fleming, Don.How to Stop the Battle withYour Teenager . Toronto: Prentice-HallPress, 1989.Ginott, Haim.Between Parent and Teenager . New York: Avon Publications,1981.Kolodny, Robert et al.How to SurviveYour Adolescents Adolescence . Toronto:Little Brown and Co., 1984.

    Lamarre, Johan ne.Le dfi de la discipline familiale. Pour mieux vivre avec votre enfant de 2 17 ans . Montreal: La maisonddition Les productions Cognitio1994.

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    Patterson, Gerald and Marion Forgatch.Parents and Adolescents Living Together:Part I . Eugene, OR. Castalia PublishingCo., 1987.

    These an d oth er h elpful books onparenting adolescents are available inyou r local library.

    Audio-Visual Resources

    Preven ting Family Violence ACatalogue of Canadian videos on familyviolence is available from the NationalClearinghouse on Family Violence. Itcontains over 60 titles which m ay beborrowed from the regional offices of the National Film Board of Canada.

    This document was prepared undercontract by Gus Fraser, the coordinatorof the Family Life Education program atthe Family Service Centre of Ottawa-Carleton. We would like tothank th e following people for th eirinvaluable assistance:

    Molly Fraser, staff member, Children sAid Society of Ottawa-Carleton; MaggieFietz, Executive Director of FamilyService Centre and staff membersWilma Stollman, Lorna Erickson-Fraser,Liz Shannon and Jan Christensen;

    Moe Turner, former supervisor andcolleague; Pauline Van Lammers,Executive Director of the NepeanCommunity Resource Centre; Mollie

    Elie, guidance counsellor at PhilomenWright High School; Danile Frchettpsycho-sociologist specializing inconjugal violence and family crisisinterventions an d Gisle Lacroix,program consultant with the NationalClearinghouse on Family Violence.

    For further information on familyviolence, please contact:

    National Clearinghou se on FamilyViolencePostal Locator: # 0201A2Family Violence Preven tion DivisionHealth Promotion and ProgramsBranchHealth CanadaOttawa, OntarioK1A 1B4

    Telephone: (613) 957-2938or call th is toll-free number:1-800-267-1291Fax: (613) 941-8930

    For TDD users(Telecommunication Device fothe Deaf)(613) 952-6396or call this toll-free number:1-800-561-5643

    Our mission is to help the people of Canadamaintain and improve their health.

    Health Canada

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