The Powerful Parenting Tool of Validation By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

The concept of validation comes from Marsha Linehan, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and creator of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). In her 1993 book Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, Linehan notes the essence of validation: The therapist communicates to the client that her responses make sense and are understandable within her current life context or situation. The therapist actively accepts the client and communicates this acceptance to the client. The therapist takes the client’s responses seriously and does not discount or trivialize them.

Validation is also a powerful parenting tool. In fact, it’s one of the most important things you can do for your child, according to authors Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D, and Melissa H. Cook, LPC, in their book The Power of Validation. Validation helps kids to feel and express their emotions, develop a secure sense of self, gain confidence, feel more connected to their parents and have better relationships in adulthood. The authors define validation as “the recognition and acceptance that your child has feelings and thoughts that are true and real to him regardless of logic or whether it makes sense to anyone else.” Validating a child means letting them share their thoughts and feelings without judging, criticizing, ridiculing or abandoning them. You let your child feel heard and understood. You convey that you love and accept them no matter what they’re feeling or thinking. According to Hall and Cook, validation is not the same as comforting, praising or encouraging your child. For instance, telling your child that they played great in their soccer game isn’t validating. What is validating is saying the truth, such as “It’s hard when you don’t play as well as you would like.” “Validation is acknowledging the truth of your child’s internal experience, that it’s normal and okay to not always play your best, be the best player, or do all things perfectly or even well,” they write. Validation is not the same as trying to help your child fix their emotions or problems. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them, either. “It just means that you understand what your child feels is real to her.”

It also doesn’t mean letting your child do whatever they want – a common misconception the authors often hear. For instance, you validate your child’s feeling of not wanting to go to school but you communicate that the action of missing school isn’t an option.

“Don’t validate what is not valid. The feeling of not wanting to go to school is valid, but the behavior of staying home from school is not.” The authors explain that feelings and actions are separate, which means that while feelings are not wrong, actions can be wrong. In another example, your child is angry with his friend. Feeling anger is not wrong — it’s certainly normal — and you can validate his frustrated feelings. However, if he hits his friend, his actions are inappropriate, and they’ll have consequences. Rules and boundaries are key. And, of course, it’s important to teach your kids how to appropriately express their anger and other emotions. Parents also can validate their child’s behavior. Hall and Cook give the example of a 9-year-old daughter who didn’t eat much dinner because she wanted to play with her friends. After everything has been put away and cleaned up, she says she’s hungry. Instead of saying that she can’t be hungry because she just ate, or preparing the food for her, while saying this had better not happen again, you “validate her hunger but tell her that if she is still hungry, she can prepare her own snack and clean up afterward.” Validating your child may not be easy or feel natural, especially when they’re misbehaving and

you’re stressed out. But remember that it’s a skill you can practice. And it’s an effective way to help your child name his or her feelings and know that having these feelings is perfectly OK

Understanding the 6 Levels of Validation By Karyn Hall, PhD

Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., from the treatment creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, identified six

levels of validation and noted that she believes it is impossible to overestimate the importance of validation. If you care about someone who is emotionally sensitive, validation is one of the most important and effective skills you can learn. If you are an emotionally sensitive person, then learning to validate yourself will help you manage your emotions effectively. Linehan suggests using the highest level of validation that you can in any situation. The First Level is Being Present. There are so many ways to be present. Holding someone’s hand when they are having a painful medical treatment, listening with your whole mind and doing nothing but listening to a child describe their day in first grade, and going to a friend’s house at midnight to sit with her while she cries because a supposed friend told lies about her are all examples of being present. Multi-tasking while you listen to your teenager’s story about his soccer game is not being present. Being present means giving all your attention to the person you are validating.

Being present for yourself means acknowledging your internal experience and sitting with it rather than “running away” from it, avoiding it, or pushing it away. Sitting with intense emotion is not easy. Even happiness or excitement can feel uncomfortable at times. Often one of the reasons other people are uncomfortable with intense emotion is that they don’t know what to say. Just being present, paying complete attention to the person in a non-judgmental way, is often the answer. For yourself, being mindful of your own emotion is the first step to accepting your emotion.

The Second Level is Accurate Reflection. Accurate reflection means you summarize what you have heard from someone else or summarize your own feelings. This type of validation can be done by others in an awkward, sing-songy, artificial way that is truly irritating or by yourself in a criticizing way. When done in an authentic manner, with the intent of truly understanding the experience and not judging it, accurate reflection is validating. Sometimes this type of validation helps the emotionally sensitive person sort through their thoughts and separate them from their emotions. “So basically I’m feeling pretty angry and hurt,” would be a self-reflection. ”Sounds like you’re disappointed in yourself because you didn’t call him back,” could be accurate reflection by someone else.

Level Three is Reading a Person’s Behavior and Guessing What They Might be Feeling or Thinking. People vary in their ability to know their own feelings. For example, some confuse anxiety and excitement and some confuse excitement and happiness. Some may not be clear about what they are feeling because they weren’t allowed to experience their feelings or learned to be afraid of their feelings. Often, emotionally sensitive people mask their feelings because they have learned that others don’t react well to their sensitivity. This masking can lead to not acknowledging their feelings even to themselves, which makes the emotions more difficult to manage. Being able to accurately label feelings is an important step to being able to regulate them. When someone is describing a situation, notice the emotional state. Then either label the emotions you hear or guess at what the person might be feeling. “I’m guessing you must have felt pretty hurt by her comment” is Level Three validation. Remember that you may guess wrong and the person could correct you. It’s her emotion, so she is the only one who knows how she feels.

Level Four is Understanding the Person’s Behavior in Terms of their History and Biology. Your experiences and biology influence your emotional reactions. If your best friend was bitten by a dog a few years ago, she is not likely to enjoy playing with your German Shepherd. Validation at this level would be saying, “Given what happened to you, I completely understand your not wanting to be around my dog.” Self-validation would be understanding your own reactions in the context of your past experiences.

Level Five is normalizing or recognizing emotional reactions that anyone would have. Understanding that your emotions are normal is helpful for everyone. For the emotionally sensitive person, knowing that anyone would be upset in a specific situation is validating. For example, “Of course you’re anxious. Speaking before an audience the first time is scary for anyone.”

Level Six is radical genuineness. Radical genuine ness is when you understand the emotion someone is feeling on a very deep level. Maybe you have had a similar experience. Radical genuine ness is sharing that experience as equals. Validation strengthens relationships and helps with managing emotions. By communicating acceptance, validation empowers your and others. For emotionally sensitive people, self-validation and validation by others helps them manage their emotions more effectively