“Living with The Times!”

VOL 6, TOLDOT Maimonides Hebrew Day School Copyright © 2015 The Torah Times RRAlbany@gmail.com ONE SHEKEL

I might as well spill the beans. This may not be pleasant, but that’s me-I’m a sharp shooter.

I’d just made a killing, and was dead tired. Dressed to kill, I dropped in to Lentil’s for a drink.

Entering, my cheerful “good mourning!” elicited a weak and nerdy “hello.” No smile, no welcome, no greeting.

SAD SCENEThe funerary ambiance was depressing,

somber and morbid. Good Grief! The old man’s old man just died. So what? I see people dying right and left all the time. It’s good the old man didn’t live to see what’s happening, or he’d drop dead from shame.

Dead shmead, Life goes on. Don’t lentils represent the life cycle, what goes around comes around? Enough of this circular rea- soning; let’s get to the food!

SOUP SPECIALTYThe aroma wafted into my nostrils. My

tongue drooled as the soup-de-jour bub-bled to a boil, but there was no selection to choose from. The menu featured just one dish: Lentil soup.

But when you’re exhausted, you eat any-thing. (Slurp) Hey, red’s my favorite col-or! (Slurp) More, waiter, more, pour it on. (Slurp) Down the hatch (Glug) Ahhh...To paraphrase scripture: “Thou hath splattered over my head, my Mouth Runneth Over.”

LOUSY SERVICEFood was ok, but the service was lousy.

Not that the waiter was overworked; just a single customer to serve. It’s not the food, but the cook who needs to add spice to his personality, pizzazz to cure his blandness (a toupee to cover his baldness would help).

The waiter was just about my age, you’d say we’re twins, but he looks so drastical-ly different. Ugh! That smooth, pale faced type, the heel that’s always pulling my leg. The guy’s sheltered, his nose in the books. Where does all that learning get you? Per-sonally, I prefer more privilege and less re-sponsibility.

GOOD RIDDANCEI had my fill, now it’s time to go out and

make a killing, I’m in a cut-throat business! I rushed out, relieved of birthright’s burden, a load off my shoulders.

On a related menu, this chef cunningly cooks up a Passover concoction with sim-ilar tasting goat substitute to deceive the consumer. Personally I prefer Venison, real wild, but that’s a whole other chapter.

For Cryin’ Out Loud!

CHARAN—A young gangster brandishing a murderous weapon ambushed a lonely Yeshiva stu- dent traveling on the road, but the victim escaped unharmed after surrendering all his money and jewelry.

A full-time student pursuing an intensive 14-year day/night course at Yeshivat Shem V’ever, Yaa-kov Isaacson was en route to visit his cousins, where he had hoped to find work and get married.

Originally from Israel, the Yeshiva student was traveling to escape danger at home, only to be attacked on the road. “You’re not safe anywhere today. Trouble and gangsters follow you wherever you go,” he said.

Although classified as a robbery, money was not the attacker’s original motive. Informed sources identified the assailant as Eli Faz, an organized crime family member sent to track down and kill the student.

“I’m Penniless! I’m as good as dead. How could I ever get married so empty-handed?” the victim cried.

FOOD REVIEW:

What’s Cookin’?BY RED ADMONI

The Torah Times

STUDENT ATTACKED: “YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE”

This week’s big dramatic act features Mother (Rivka) conspiring

with Son (Jacob) to con Dad (Isaac).Pushed last minute on stage by his

aggressive mother, the actor got his role with little time to rehearse, yet he surprised everyone.

Who’d expect a smug Yeshiva boy to debut as an actor, reverse roles and dress up like his antithesis?

But the leading actor definitely stole the show! Actually, impersonator Mr. Smoothie was back to his old tricks, weaseling his older brother out of

the inheritance.But he shouldn’t dream of going up the success ladder

based on this performance.Even a blind man could sense that his politely soft,

weak lines were out of character. ‘Please’...Momma’s little boy gave himself away with

his goody goody talk. A very touching moment got hairy as the pretender was almost exposed.

Theatre thrives on foul language and violence. We can’t live without the sword! A good actor needs rough, hard-hitting words to get the audience to SIT UP!! Wattsamatter, got rocks in his head? $%^*!

Expletives may annoy the old folks, but that’s helluva nerve to walk away with the fat of the land and cream of the crop. The final scene is a real tear jerker.

The realistic costumes looked familiar (must’ve raided someone’s private wardrobe) but the food was so-so. The roast wasn’t wild, just tame kid stuff.

The audience was small; half the people came after it was all over. But the old folks were impressed by the act-ing and gave it their blessing. Makes me so angry, I can Kill!

So don’t judge this play by what you saw, or by what he saw, but by Esau!

PLAY REVIEW:

Oh Brother!BY ESAU

Junior’s

Hot from the pot, it hits the spot!

RED HOT LENTIL SOUP

MOURNING ENTREE

• Good all Around• Price is Right!• At home Shiva Catering • Family Style• Hefty Haliteni helpings

Soup de Jour: Homemade Adashim

a la bowlDistributor: J. Isaacson

Under Supervision of Harav Yakov I. TamContents: Water, Lentils, Red #13

WARNING: Excessive gluttony may result in birthright loss.

Tired? Exhausted?

Thanks for making us #1!

World Premiere This Week!PRESENTING

“SIBLING RIVALRY”Real life Drama

****A Historic Family Tragedy

Plus: “BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

EXCLUSIVE:One showing only!

Directed by Rebecca

Coming this week to a Bima near you.

הקהל

A2 • NEWS THE TORAH TIMES • PARSHAT TOLDOT

Mazal Tov Bar Mitzvah! Celebrating his Bar Mitzvah this week, Yaa-

kov Rivkis is a student in good standing at Yeshi-vat Shem, learning under the personal tutelage of the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Ever.

In addition to the regular curriculum, Yaakov also attends night shiur. The Bar Mitzvah boy’s drasha focused on the subject of “Tefilas Arvis Reshus oi Chovah.”

The Bar Mitzvah’s mother is very proud of him. “Yankele’s my favorite, always gentle man-

nered, polite and courteous. It also helps that he cooks on occasion,” she said.

“Kids like my Yankele have to be appreciated. Unfortunately, not all kids turn out right, even in the best of families.

Some people are just blind to it, but my dear Yankele isn’t like those hypocrites who pretend to be nice just till their Bar Mitzvah, and then get into trouble.”

*****

Dynamic and outgoing, this week’s Bar Mitz-vah boy Esau Isaacs captivated the audience with his original drasha on “Ketzad Measrin es Hateven V’es Hamelach” regarding the Laws of Tithing.

The Bar Mitzvah boy’s father expressed great hope. “May our first Bar Mitzvah boy properly develop his potential and channel his energies. I must say, his Kibbud Av is truly exemplary. ”

Dear Avi Mori,As I approach my Bar Mitz-

vah, I want to learn how to ob-serve Judaism to the utmost.

Here are two very import-ant Shaalos I have regarding the proper procedure for giving Maaser:

A) It is well known that one is required to give one tenth of pro-duce, as is derived from the pasuk “Meah Shearim.” (Parsha Toldos)

But unfortunately, people give Maaser only from grain and fruit, and not from salt. I need detailed information on how to properly tithe and give maaser from salt.

Should I open the salt shaker, spill the salt on the table, count the granules, then take one out of every ten grains? How do we sep-arate one tenth of the salt when it’s sprinkled on saltines or pret-zels? Should I scrape the salt off and then count the granules?

B) My second question also re-lates to the Halacha of Maaser: Bread is made from flour, which comes from grain, which grows on a straw stalk. People give

maaser from the grain, but not from the straw, which actually takes up more volume than grain. Does this lack of observance render the flour traif? Chas V’shalom!

I try to be very makpid, and want to follow the strictest opin-ion.

E. Dear E.It is always wise to take things

with a grain of salt, but I am rather captivated by your Mitzvah quest.

A) Anyone worth his salt knows that salt is not a vegetable that grows, but a mineral. It is there-fore not necessary to give Maaser from salt, because it is not consid-ered ‘produce.’

B) Before grasping at straws, let’s not be misled by superficial-ity. Straw is meaningless fluff, no real substance. It is unfit for hu-man consumption, and therefore exempt from maaser.

May you learn to truly follow the Halacha to become a source of Nachas to your parents.

Pregnancy ContradictionsDear Sir,I’m soon expecting my first

baby, but is it worth all this trouble of kicking and pushing in opposite directions?

I suffer from severe contradic-tions, especially when I am near places of worship.

RivkaDear Rivka,Babies may show distinct per-

sonality traits prior to birth. Your unusual symptoms indicate un-identical twins.

Diagnosis: Two fetuses in em-bryonic fluid, each struggling to assert itself, are the cause of your contradictions.

This may be only a taste of up-coming struggles. Relax now and save your energies for later, when the kids grow up. That’s when the real struggles begin!

Second Hand SmokeDear Doctor, Help!My husband, an elderly shut-

in, is forced to breathe bad air (cough!) because our daughters-in-law smoke like chimneys.

The smoke has affected my hus-band’s sight that he can’t even see the difference between them.

I’m INCENSED!Moras RuachDear Moras Ruach,Your husband has a pre-existing

condition, i.e. a traumatic tearful experience in his youth, which can make him susceptible to blindness.

Also, second-hand smoke pol-lutes the environment, and causes eye irritation.

HEALTH & YOUBY SHEM

The Staff of

The Torah Timesextend a hearty Mazal Tov toMR. & MRS. ISAAC

on the Bar Mitzvah of their children

ESAU & JACOB* * * *

Also to the grandfatherABRAHAM AVINU

May he live to see only Nachas from all his grandchildren.

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