The Widow to Say Noraxuc of the Man - · PDF filehopelessly, leaning back again,

“

O H well, I was o n ly S h owi n g

you the s u ga r bow l ”

F I’O IllIS/NCCF

TH E W I D OW[ T o S A ! n o r a x u c O F T H E M A N ]

B ! HELEN ROWLANDI L L U ST R AT E D B !

E ST H E R P . H I L L

D O D G E PU B L I SH I N G C OMPAN Y2 2 0 EAST 2 3 1) STR E ET , N EW ! O R !

C O N T E N T SPAGE

THE WIDOW 5

THE WINNING 1 8

WH ! ?

THEWIDOW’S R IVAL . 47

MONEY AND MATRIMONY OO

SIGNS AND COUNTERSIGNSOF LOV E

A SHORT CUT

AFTER LOVE P)

HER WAY

MARRIAGE

THEWIDOW’s DEAL .

N EW ! EAR’S I RRESOLU

TIONS

1I

THE WIDOW.

HAT woul d you s ay,

asked the widow,

tucking he r ski rtsc au tious ly about her

paten t leather toes and lean ing backluxu riously agains t the va riegatedp i l lows

,

“ i f I shou l d tel l you that Ih ave found the ve ry gi rl who woul dmake you a model wi fe ?”

The bachelo r gl anced up indifferently and dipped the p addle l az i lyinto the water .

“What model ?” he asked,sus

p iciously.

“Women a re l ike auto

mob i les,you know . There arc so

many models . And even afte r youhave selected one mos t ca reful ly younever can te l l what i t i s going to do .

”

[ 5 ]

T H E W I D OW

They are more l ike ho rses,de

clared the w idow,

“ i f you know howto h andle them

,and a re gentle and

k ind“And let them see you’re mas

And don’t j ab them wi th sp i tefu ll i ttl e Spu rs

“And know when to pu l l on thecu rb

“And when to coax them wi thsuga rAnd when to beat ’em—and even

then you can’t tel l What they’re goingto shy at o r balk at any mo re thanyou can tel l when an automob i le i sgoing to b reak down o r run away o rb low up . But th i s ‘model’ - i s shep retty and fetching and wa rran ted torun smoo thly ove r rough roads andto cl imb al l the matrimoni al h i l l s

[ 6 ]

at TO SA ! NOTH ING OF THE MAN

and nOt punctu re a ti re in the financesand to be j us t as good for a long runas fo r a spu rt ? I s she smart lookingand subs tan ti a l andThe widow sat up so qui ckly that

the canoe swayed uns tead i ly beneaththem .

“She’s no t a ha rem,M r . T ravers !

she c ried .

“Oh,dea r !” she s ighed

hopeless ly,lean ing back again

,

“whyi s i t that every man expects to get ah arem Of vi rtues combined i n one

wi fe ? I don’t bel i eve any man butSolomon was eve r perfectly s ati sfiedwi th domes ti c l i fe .

”

“ Solomon,

” remarked the bachelo r

,giving the p addle an emphatic

shove,

“unders tood the necess i ty forvariety in wives . But i f Solomonhad l ived in the twentieth centu ryhe wou ldn’t h ave needed so many

[ 7 ]

T H E W I D O W

er—annex ations . He woul d havego t i t a l l i n one modern woman .

Now,you

,fo r i ns tance

“Speaking impersonal ly,i n te r

rup ted the wi dow,t rying to look

auste re and at the s ame time to blowa ch i ffon vei l out Of he r mouth

,

“when a man buys an automobi le heselec ts a runabout or a V i c to ri a o r atou ring ca r o r a rac ing machine

,

acco rd ing to h i s needs,and is s ati s

fied

N ot at al l,p ro tes ted the bache

lo r . “The momen t he has one automobi le he i s s igh ing for another

,and

he i s never h appy unti l he has a ga rage ful l

“And i t i s the same about a coat ora hat

,

” pers i s ted the W i dow,igno ri ng

the i nte rrup tion ;“he p icks out what

sui ts h im bes t ; but he doesn’t expec t

[ 8 ]

at TO SAY NOTHING OF THE MAN at

hi s top hat to do him for p icn ics no rhis swal low- ta i l to se rve for l awntenn i s no r h i s yach ting cap to lookwel l i n chu rch no r

“A derby,

” i n te rrup ted the bachelor

,wil l do almos t anywhere .

”

“They’re h i deous,M r . T ravers !

and s t iff an d commonp l ace and um

comfo rtable and“Are they anything l ike the model

wi fe you’ve p icked out fo r me ?” inqui red the bachelo r ins inuatingly .

The widow flushed under the co rne r O f her ch iffon vei l .

“Wel l

,

”she acquiesced unwi l l

ingly,“she i sn’t p a rti cu l a rly p retty

no r b ri l l i an t and f asc inating,and al l

that ; bu t she’s j us t the kind Of a gi rl

a man ought to marry .

“And never does !” fin i shed theb achelo r t riumphantly

,backing

[ 9 ]

T H E W I D O W

water and tu rn ing the canoe for mids tream . O f a l l kinds Of women aman detes ts

“How many kinds O f women a rethe re ?” c ri ed the widow suddenly .

“How many women a re the re ?reto rted the bachelo r . “The va rietyi s only l imi ted by the number O ffemin ine i nd ivi dual s . But fundamental ly they can be divi ded in totwo c l asses

,j us t as automobi les can

be d ivided into gasol ine and electri c .

There i s the woman a man wants tomarry

,the kind th at i s s tamped f rom

b i rth fo r wi fehood,the even- tem

pered,s teady-go i ng

,comfo rtable

kind of gi rl that you woul d l ike toti e to fo r l i fe and w i th whom youknow you wou ld be perfectly contented—and utte rly s tup i d . Eve ryman has in mind h is ideal wi fe ; and

[ 10 ]

at TO SA ! NOTH ING OF THE MAN at

nearly every man’s i deal i s O f thecalm

,domesti c

,whol ly good

,whol ly

sweet so rt,the so rt th at seems l ike a

harbo r away f rom the sto rm . But soO ften

,j us t about as he has found th i s

i deal,or befo re he has found her and

befo re the sun Of hi s summer dayd ream has ri sen the s to rm comesalong

“The—what ?”

The tumultuous,impossible , ado r

able,un fathomable woman —the

woman who may be good or bad,

ugly o r beauti fu l,but i s a lways fas

cinating, al lu ri ng and i rres i s tabl e .

And she wrecks h i s l i ttle summer dayd ream and tu rns h i s snug ha rbo r intoa roa ring whi rlpool and ca rries h imof? i n a tempes t . Sometimes he marries he r and sometimes he doesn’t ;but whether he does o r does no t

,he

[ 1 1 ]

T H E W I D O W

i s always spo i led fo r the Other k i ndafte rwa rd .

”

“And i f he does ma rry her,added

the W i dow,t rai l ing her fingers

thoughtful ly i n the wate r,

“he i sa lways so r ry and wish ing he hadma rr i ed the other kind .

”

“Wel l

,

” the bachelo r l a id h i sp addle ac ross h i s knee

,

“what’s thed i ffe rence ? I f he had marri ed theo ther k i nd he would always havebeen wish ing he hadn’t . Now i f aman could only be al lowed two

wives“One fo r week days and one fo r

hOlidays?” i nqu i red the widow s a r

castically.

“Yes,

acqu iesced the bachelo r ,one fo r each s ide of him , the tames ide and the untamed s i de . One to

se rve as a ha rbo r and make h im a

[ 12 ]

at TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN 3

home and fu lfil l h i s domesti c longings

'

and b ring up hi s ch i l dren andkeep him sane and moral ; and theother to amuse h im and entertai n h imand insp i re h im and put the t rimmings on l i fe and the sp ice and fl avo ri n the matrimoni al d i sh .

”

“A sedative and a s timul an t !”

j ee red the widow . One to s ti r youup and one to calm you down ; oneto spur you fo rward and one to pul lon the cu rb—a H ebe and a M i nerva !And then you’d be running arounddemanding a V enus to make you fo rget the othe r two . Whatever womana man marries

,he i nva ri ab ly spends

h i s l i fe s igh ing fo r someth ing diffe rent . I f he i s t ied to a n i ce

,so ft so fa

p i l low,he longs fo r a backbone . I f

he marries a p a rlo r o rnament,he

yearns for a ki tchen utens i l . I f h i s

[ 1 3 ]

T H E W I D OW

wife has a G reek nose,he discovers

a fterward that what he real ly ad

mi res i s pugs . I f he p i cks out redhai r o r b l ack

,he wi l l go blocks out

O f h i s way to pu rsue every yel lowgl int th at catches h i s eye . And i f hemarri ed a whole ha rem at once hewould di scover that what he real lywanted was monogamy

,and a s ingle

wi fe wi th a s ingle idea . There a ren’tenough kinds Ofwomen in the worldto fulfil l any one man’s i dea Of whata wi fe should be .

”

“And yet,

” s ighed the bachelo r,

“I

once knew a woman who wou l d havedone th at—al l by hersel f .

”

The widow looked unconvi nced .

“Was she a model wi fe ? ” she inqui red

,skeptical ly .

“How do I know ? s ai d the bache

lo r . “She wasn’t my wi fe .

”

[ 14 ]

https://www.forgottenbooks.com/join

T H E W I D O W

remarked the widow,but the disap

p roval had di s appeared f rom her

eyes“She wasWhy

,I do Bel i eve i t’s growing

dark,M r . T ravers . ”

“ I t i s,

” agreed the bachelo r . N O

bOdy can see“S ee -what ? asked the widow

,

suddenly s i tting up s t ra ight and fixi ng the bachelo r wi th her eyes .How perfectly ado rable and un

fathomable and tumul tuous“Are you feeding me sugar

,M r .

T ravers ?”“Perhaps

,acknowledged t h e

bachelo r,l ean ing back and p icking

up the p addle again,

“but some day,

when I ’m ready,I’m going to s top

feeding you suga r . I’m going to put

on the cu rb b i t . ”

[ 1 6 ]

at TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN at

Why don’t you do i t now

B i l ly ?” asked the widow,with a chal

lenging glance f rom beneath herl ashes .

“ I can’t,

” grumbled the bachelo r,

whi le you are blowing th at ch i ffonvei l . ”

The wi dow took the two ends O fthe Offens ive th ing and tied them deliberately under her ch in .

“Some day,

” continued the bachelo r

,as he swung the canoe shoreward

wi th a vigo rous d ip Of the p addle,

I ’m going to show you who’s mas te r .

I ’m going to marry you and then“Be so r ry !” l aughed the widow .

O f cou rse,assented the bachelo r

,

but I ’d be so rrie r—if I d idn’t . ”

[ 1 7 ]

T H E W I D O W

THE WINNING CARD ?

HERE s aid the bachelo ras he bowed to a l i ttleman across the room

,

“ s i ts the eighth wonderof the worl d—a man wi th a squintand a cork leg and no income to speakof

,who has j us t married fo r the th i rd

t ime . What makes us so f asc in ating ?The W i dow l ai d down her oyste r

fo rk and gazed thoughtful ly at thebeauti fu l gi rl i n b lue ch i ffon s i ttingoppos i te the man wi th the squint .

“Don’t general i ze,

she s a i d,tu rn

ing rebukingly to the bachelo r “Youmean what makes the l i ttle man so

f asc i nating ?”

[ 1 8 ]

J TO SA! NOTH ING OF THE MAN «93

The bachelo r j abbed an oys te rvi cious ly .

“Wel l,he grumbled

,what does

make h im so f asc inating ? I s i t thesquin t or the co rkThe widow looked at h im re

proachfully .

“Don’t be envious,she s a i d . He

might h ave two squints and yet besucces s ful wi th women . H aven’t youever seen a runty

,p l ai n l i ttle man be

fo re,with noth ing On ea rth

,appa r

ently,to recommend him excep t h i s

sex,who could d raw the women as a

magnet does needles ?”

The bachelo r d ropped his oys te rand s ta red at the widow .

“I t

’s hypnoti sm he decl ared wi th

solemn convi ction .

The widow laughed .

“ I t’s noth ing O f the so rt,

”she con

[ 1 9 ]

T H E W I D O W

tradicted .

“ I t’s because he hol dsman’s winn ing ca rd and knows howto p l ay i t . J us t Observe the tendersol i ci tude wi th whi ch he consul ts herabout that fish .

”

“! ou mean

,

” i nqu i red the bachelo r susp ic ious ly

,

“ th at he has a fascinating way ?

“That’s a l l he needs,responded

the widow p romptly,

“ to make himi rres i s tib le .

“Then,how do vou account ”

a rgued the bachelo r,indi cating a

Gibsonesque young man eating hi sd inner alone under a p alm at the cor

ner table,

“ fo r the popul a ri ty of

that G reek god ove r there ? He’s aperfect boo r

,yet the women in th i s

hotel pet h im and coax h im andcuddle h im as i f he were a p rize l ion

cub .

[ 20]

3 TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN 3

Oh,remarked the widow

,i f

you were al l G reek gods—that wouldbe di fferent . But

,unfortunately

,the

average man i s j us t an ungainly looking th ing in a derby hat and h i deousc lothes

,with knuckly hands and

padded shoulders and a rough ch in .

“Thank you,

” s a i d the b achelo rsweetly .

“ I see—as i n a lookinggl ass . Evi dently ou r countenances

“Pooh ! j ee red the widow,

“you rcountenances j us t don’t count . That’sal l . What profiteth i t a man thoughhe have the f ace O f an AppollO i f hehave the legs O f a Cal ib an ? A womannever bothers about a man’s f ace . I t’sh is figure th at attracts her . She wi l lfo rgive weak eyes and a cut-Off ch intwice as quickly as weak shouldersand cut-Off legs .That’s why we p ad them—the

[ 21 ]

T H E W I D O W

shoulders,exp l ained the bachelo r .

“You wouldn’t need to,reto rted

the widow,

“ i f you knew how to p l aythe winn ing card .

“What I S the winn ing ca rd ? im

plored the bachelo r, l ean ing ac rossthe table anxious ly .

The widow l ai d down her soupspoon and bent to a rrange the v i oletsi n her bel t medi tatively .

“Wel l, she s ai d ,

“S i r Wal ter R al eigh p l ayed i t and i t won h im a ti tle ;and M r . M antel l in i p l ayed i t and i tkep t h im in spending money andfancy waistcoats fo r years wi thout h i sdoing a s troke O f work ; and Louis! I V —but Oh

,psh aw ! You know

al l about th at . B riefly speak ing,a

man’s winn ing ca rd / i s h i s knowledgeOf how to t reat a woman . Specific

[ 22 ]


T H E W I D O W

all men would be perfectly irresistib le .

”

“Wel l,a ren’t they ? asked the

b achelo r i nnocently . I thoughtthey

“The winning way,the i rres i s tible

mascul ine manner,pu rsued the

widow,igno ring the interrup tion

,

“ i ssometh ing subtle and inbo rn . I t can’tbe put on o r varn i shed over . I t i snei ther a pose no r a p aten t . I t i s thegi f t O f one Of the good fai ri es at b i rth .

I f i t i s going to be tra ined into a manhe must be caught and schooled veryearly —say , befo re he i s ten yearsOld . I t’s h is i ngrai n atti tude towa rdwomen and he begins by p racti c ingi t on h is mother . I f he i s not to themanner bo rn and tries to cul t ivate i tl ate in l i fe

,he must watch very ca re

fu l ly to see that he does not overdo

[ 24 ]

3 TO SA ! NOTH ING OF THE MAN at

i t l ike a l ackey or a dancing master o rthe vi l l a in in a melod rama . O fcourse

,i t can be cul tivated to a ce r

tai n exten t,l ike mus i c or Chri s ti an

S cience,but i t’s ha rd fo r a man to

lea rn th at a woman i s a f ragi le c reatu re and needs a bodygua rd

,afte r

he has been twenty years letting hi ss i s ters p ack thei r own trunks and lugthei r own s atchels and gol f clubs .Bes i des

,most men a re too busy or too

sel f- abso rbed to cul tivate i t,i f they

coul d .

”

“Most men,remarked the bache

lo r,s ti rring h i s coffee and l ighting

his c iga rette,

“ a ren’t anxious to become the so rt Of ‘mother’s da rl ing’

you desc ribe .

”

“Nonsense,reto rted the widow .

R i cha rd the Th i rd was a perfectlyadorable l adies’man and he couldn’t

[ 25 ]

T H E W I D O W

be cal led exactly—a‘mothe r’s da r

l i ng .

’ Yet the th ings he sa i d to poorLady Anne and the way he s ai d themwould have tu rned any feminineb rain . I t i sn’t mi lk and wate r thatwomen admi re ; it

’s the m i lk Of

human interes t I t’s the feel ing thata man i s gaz ing at you ins tead Of

th rough you at h i s own reflection—or

some other woman .

”

“But i f i t means givi ng up al l theeasy ch ai rs

,

” p rotes ted the bachelo r,

“ and p acking al l the fami ly t runksand putting out you r p ipe every timea female member Of the f ami ly ap

proaches and eating d ishes you don’t

want and running round doing househo l d errands

,a man hasn’t got

time“ I t doesn’t !” decl ared the widow .

“ I t has noth ing to do wi th moral s or

3 TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN 3

with selfishness . Some Of the mostselfish men in the worl d a re thosewhom a poo r l i ttle woman wi l l workher fingers to the bone to support

,

s imp ly because when she comes homeat n igh t af te r her l abo rs he r husbandputs h i s a rms a round her and tel l sher how sad i t makes h im feel to seeher s truggle so

,and how young and

beauti fu l she keeps in sp i te O f i t al land o rders her to l i e down and leth im run out and fetch her some icec ream and read to her . A man wi thth at so rt Ofway wi th h im can get anyth ing on ea rth out Of a woman andthen make her eternal ly grateful toh im . Look at the husbands who sl aveal l d ay ea rn ing money for thei r wivesto spend and gO home ti red out andgrouchy and never get a word O fthanks . Yet

,a man can s tay out six

[ 27 ]

T H E W I D O W

nights i n the week,and i f he wi l l

come home on the seventh wi th a ki ssand a compl imen t and a box Of

'

candy

and any Old l i e and a speech aboutsymp athy and al l that

,a nice sens ib le

wi fe wi l l fo rgive and fo rget—l—andado re h im .

“But a re there any n i ce sens ib le

W ives ?” asked the bachelo r p l ain

tively.

“H ave you fin i shed you r ciga rette,

M r . T ravers ? i nqu i red the widow

cool ly .

“Because i f there a re,that i s j us t

what I am looking“ I f you have

,

” pu rsued the widow ,

“ I th ink we had bette r go .

”

The b achelo r rose wi th al ac ri ty .

“ I th ink so,too

,

” he acquiesced ,p leasan tly .

“That G reek god overyonder under the p alm has been sta r

[ 28 ]

“

THAT Greek god ha s bee ns tar i n g as I f he co n tem

p lated m u rde r .

Page 28


T H E W I D O W

And your shoulders

the wi dow .

“They a re my own ! decl a red the

bachelo r .“And you rThey al so a re mine , b roke in the

bachelo r qui ckly .

“And bes i des al l th at,added the

widow, you have that l i ttle bal d Spot

i n the middle Of you r head . And

vet“GO on

,s a i d the bachelo r

,you

have s a i d the wors t . ”

“ I b roke an engagement wi th an ice boy to dine wi th you to-n ight . ”

“That doesn’t p rove anyth ing,

s ai d the b achelo r scorn ful ly.

“M aybe he h asn’t p l ayed the w inn ingcardfi

’

“N O,i t p roves you have

,decl a red

the widow .

[ 30 ]

at TO SA ! NOTH ING OF THE MAN at

I c an’t see i t !” p ro tes ted thebachelo r .

“Wel l,j us t look at the G reek god

over under the p alm and then looki n the gl ass at you rsel f and—worki t out . ”

“But why look at the G reek god ?Because

,

” s a i d thewidow ,tu rn ing

to the mi rro r and ca reful ly ti l ti ng herhat

,

“he i s the n i ce boy wi th whomI b roke the engagement . ”

[ 3 1 ]

T H E W I D O W

I I I

WHY ?

HY i s a woman ?snapped the bachelo r

,

fl inging h imsel f in tothe b ig a rmchai r op

posite the wi dow wi th a chal lenginggl ance .

“Why—why,because

,s tammered

the widow; s ta rtled at his sudden ap

pearance .

“ I knew i t !” s a i d the bachelo r wi thconviction .

“And there a re lots of othe rreasons

,M r . T ravers .

“But they aren’t reason able,de

clared the bachelo r doggedly.

The widow closed her bOOk with as igh and l a i d i t on the table bes i dehe r .

[ 32 ]

3 TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN «98

Who sa i d they were ? she askedwi theringly .

“Nei the r is a woman .

Being reasonable i s so s tup i d . I t’sworse than being su i table or sens ible

,

O I‘ —O I‘ p rope r . ”

The bachelo r l i f ted h i s eyeb rowsin mi l d as ton i shment .

“ I thought those were v i rtues,he

p rotes ted .

“They a re , M r . T ravers,retu rned

the widow crushingly,

“ and that’swhy they’re so uninteres ting . Youmight as wel l ask why i s mus ic

,or

p ainting,or paté de foie gras , o r

champ agne,or i ce c ream

,o r any

th ing else cha rming and del i c ious“And utterly uselessO f cou rse

,agreed the widow

,

leaning back and thoughtful ly twis ting the b i t o f l ace she cal led a handkerch ief . “

I t’s the utterly useless

[ 3 3 ]

T H E W I D O W

things th at make the worl d attractiveand p leas an t to l ive in—l ike flowersand bonbons and pol i ti cs and love

“And tobacco,added the bache

lo r reflectively .

“Woman is the dessert to thefeas t

,

” went on the widow,

“ thetrimmings On the garment Of l i fe

,the

sp i ce i n the pudding . O f cou rse,a

man can eat h i s dinner wi thout dessert or champagne and l ive h i s l i fewi thout ki sses or a woman—butsomehow he never does . ”

“And that’s j us t where he gets into

troub le,

reto rted the bachelo rp romptly .

“ I f you could only tel l ,”

he went on p athetical ly,

“what anyone O f them was going to do orwhv

she was going to do i t,o r

“Then i t i sn’t ‘Why is a woman ?’

bu t ‘Why does a woman ?’ that you

[ 3 4 ]

at TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

wanted to know,in ter rup ted the

widow help ful ly .

“That’s it !” c ri ed the bachelo r,why does she get Off a ca r b ackward ? Why does she wear a ski rtfou r yards long and then get fu riousi f you s tep on i t ? Why does she

make a solemn and impo rtant eu

gagement without the s l ightes t intention O f keep ing i t ? Why does she

put on open -work s tockings andgaudy shoes and hold her f rock ash igh as she dares—and then annihi

l ate you if you s ta re at her ? Whydoes she use everyth ing as i t was no ti ntended to be used—a hai rp in top ick a lock

,a buttonhook to open a

can,a hai rb rush to hammer a nai l

,a

h atp in to rOb a lette r box,a razo r to

sha rpen a penci l and a cup and s auce rto decorate the mantelp iece ? Why

[ 3 5 ]

T H E W I D O W

does she gush over the woman she

hates wors t and snub the man she i sdying to marry ? Why does she l i ckal l the glue Off a pos tage s tamp andthen try to make i t s t ick ? Why doesshe c ry at a wedding and act f rivolous at a funeral ? Why does she puta new feather on her hat and a newkink i n her hai r

,and expect a man to

noti ce i t as quickly and be as as tonished as he woul d i f she had sh avedher head o r los t a l imb ? Why doesshe seem offended i f you don’t makelove to he r

,and then get angry i f you

do ? Why does she act ki tteni sh whenshe’s b ig and dignified when she’sl i ttle and Old

,when she 3 young and

s i l ly,when she’s O l d ? And why

,oh

,

why,did you inveigle me i nto com

ing down to th i s miserab le p ink- andwh i te house p arty wi th the hope Of

[ 3 6 ]


T H E W I D O W

“Wel l,for one th ing

,complained

the bachelo r,

“she coaxed me out on

the p i azz a l as t n ight i n the moonl ight

,and then

,when she had talked

sen timent fo r h al f an hou r and lu redme to a dark spot and s imp ly goadedme in to taking her handThe widow sat up s t ra ight .“But you d idn

’t do i t,B i l ly T rav

ers !“O f cou rse I d id . I t seemed almos t

an i nsul t not to . And what di d she

do ? She j erked i t away,

flung hersel f f rom me

,rose l ike an outraged

queen,tu rned on me with that ‘

I

thought-you—were-a-gentleman’ a i rand s aidThe widow l ay back in her chai r

and l aughed .

“Oh,mercy ! she s ai d . wip ing the

tea rs f rom her eyes when she was

[ 3 8 ]

J TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN at

able .

“Excuse me but—but—how

di d she look when she di d i t ?”

Wel l ,” confessed the bachelo r

,

she did look rathe r s tunn i ng .

”

“That’s why she di d i t,

” exp l a inedthe widow between l aughs . “Awoman’s reason fo r doing mos t th ingsi s because she th inks she wil l lookwel l doing them .

”

“O r because she th inks you wi l llook su rp ri sed i f she does them .

“O r because she wants to attractyou r atten t ion .

”

“O r to make you feel uncomfortable .

”

“O r to as ton ish you or amuse youo r I ?

Work on you r sens ib i l i ties,or get

on your nerves,o r p l ay on you r

sympathies . But,

” he went on growing wroth at the recol lection

,

“the

[ 3 9 ]

T H E W I D O W

idea Of a l i ttle ch i t l ike that—andthat i sn’t the wors t . This morn ingshe dragged me out of bed at h al fp as t five to go fish ing . F i sh ing ! Atth i s season ! I never saw a gi rl soc razy for fish in my l i fe ; and whenwe had walked fou r mi les to find therigh t spot and she had been s i len tlong enough fo r me to feel a n ibbleat the b ai t and had helped me wi thal l her might and main to haul in th atb lessed l i ttle fish

,do you know what

she did ?”

The widow looked up questioningly .

“She c ried because I wanted to

b ri ng i t home and made me th row i tback into the wate r . That’s what shed i d !”

The widow sat up s traigh t,with

horrified eyes .

[ 40]

93 TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

“Wel l,Of cou rse she di d !” she ex

cl aimed heatedly . She only asked

you to ca tch the fish di dn’t she—notto kill i t ?”

The bachelo r s ta red at her fo r amoment without speaking . Then hegot up si l ently and walked over tothe window .

“ I suppose,he remarked af te r a

long p ause,apparently add ress ing

the f ront l awn o r the blue heavens,

“ that i t’s that s ame so rt of logic thatinci tes a woman to p l ay fo r a man

unti l she c atches h im—and thenth row h im overboard . O Lord ,

”he

continued,glancing at the sky de

voutly,“why couldn’t you have made

them nice and sens ib le ?”

The widow took up her bOOk wi thdi sdain .

‘N i ce and sens ible she repeated

[ 41 ]

T H E W I D O W

witheringly . Jus t th ink how i twould feel to be cal led ‘n ice and sens ib le !’ I wish

,

”she added

,tu rn ing to

her novel wi th an a i r Of boredom,

“ that you wou l d go and—talk toE thel M anners .The bachelo r eyed her narrowly .

“ I guess I wi l l,

” he s ai d final ly .

She seems more interes ti ng—nowthat you’ve expl a ined her . ”

The widow s topped in the m i ddleO f a p aragraph and looked up .

“And by J ove !” went on the b achelo r remini scently

,tu rn ing to the

window again,

“she di d look d reamy

in a sunbonnet and that l i ttle sho rtski rt th i s mo rn ing . She has ado rablefeet

,you know .

”

The widow closed her book wi tha sh a rp snap

,keep ing he r fingers be

tween the p ages .

[ 42 ]

«9‘ TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN 3

“

I know,M r . T ravers ; but how

did you know ?”

I looked at them,con fessed the

bachelo r f rankly,

“ and her ankles

The widow’s mou th closed in as tra ight l ine .

“ I’m af rai d,M r . T ravers

,she re

marked f rigi dly,

“ th at you are not afit companion for a young gi rl l ikeEthel . ”

“ I ’m not equal to her,grinned

the bachelo r .“NO

,you’re not She’s a n i ce

,sen

s ible gi rl andDO you hate her very much ?

H ate her ?” The widow’s eyesopened with as ton i shment

“! ou cal led her ‘n i ce and sen

Bobby Taylo r’s look ing fo r you,

[ 43 ]

T H E W I D O W

M a rion,

cal led M i ss M anne rs,

gl ancing in at the doo r suddenly .

“Wel l,goodby . I ’m Off,

” s a i d thebachelo r

,fo l lowing the swish Of M i s s

M anners’s ski rts wi th h i s eyes,as she

hu rried away down the hal l .“S i t down

,M r . T ravers ! com

manded the widow in an awful tone .

At that moment a buoyant youngman poked h is head in at the doo r .

“GO way

,Bobby

,

” s ai d the widow .

M r . T ravers and I are di scuss inger —psychology .

”

Ugh ! remarked Bobby, duti ful lywi thd rawing

,

“why do you do i t,i f

i t hu rts ?”

The bachelo r looked up at thewidow under the tai l O f h is eyel i d .

“Does i t hu rt ?” he asked .

But the widow’s underl ip wascu rled into a di s tinct pou t and her

[ 44 ]


T H E W I D O W

Look here,M a rion

,he s ai d

gently,you invi ted me down here

to fl ing that gi rl at my head . I f youdidn’t wan t me to f al l i n love wi thher

,what d i d you want ?”

“ I wanted you to get enough O fhe r !” expl ai ned the widow , smi l i ngth rough her l ace handkerch ief .

“VVell—I have . I

’ve got too

much !” vowed the bachelo r fervently .

The wi dow laughed so ftly andcompl acently .

“That’s j us t wh at I knew wouldhappen

,

”she s ai d

,clos ing her novel

and fl i nging i t onto the couch .

Then she added,looking up quiz

z ically :“A woman always has a reason

i f you can only find out what i t i s .

[ 46 ]

J TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

IV

TH EWIDOW’s R IVAL .

HY,s a i d the widow

,

gaz ing thoughtful lyat the ruby- facedwoman w i t h t h e

giganti c wai s t- l ine,who sat bes ide

the meek l i ttl e man on the benchoppos i te ,

“do men marry—those ?The bachelo r glanced into the v ioleteyes beneath the v i olet hat .

“Perhap s,

” he s ai d i ns inuatingly,

because they can’t get—somebodyel se .

”

“Non sense , rep l ied the widowpoking her p a rasol emphatical ly i ntothe s and “W i th al l the chance aman has

“Chance ! c ried the bachelo r

scoflingly . Chance l What chance

[ 47 ]

T H E W I D O W

has a man got af te r a woman makesup her mind to marry h im ?”

The wi dow dug the s and sp i teful lywi th the poin t O f her v iolet sunshade .

“ I d i dn’t refer to the chance Of

escape,

”she rep l ied

,i c i ly .

“ I wasspeaking O f the ch ance Of a choice .

”

“That’s it i” c ried the bachelo r .

The selection i s so great—the choicei s so va ried ! Don’t you know how i ti s when you have too many d ress p atterns or hats or rings to choose f rom ?

You find i t diflicult to settle on anyone -SO diflicult

,in f act

,that you de

ci de not to choose a t al l,but to keep

them al l dangl ing“O r else j us t shut you r eyes , In

terrupted the widow ,

“and put out

you r hand and grab something .

“O f cou rse, you shut you r eyes !

acquiesced the bachelo r .

“Whoever

[ 48 ]

Page 48

“

C HANCE ! w h at ch a n ce has

a man got


went into matrimony wi th his eyes

open ?”“A woman does

,decl a red the

widow tentatively . She knows exactly what she wants

,and . i f i t is

poss ible,she gets i t . I t i s only afte r

she has tri ed and fa i led many timesthat she puts her h and in to the matrimoni al grab -bag

,and accep ts any

thing she happens to pul l out . Buta man never emp loys any reason atal l i n p i cking out a wi feN atu ral ly !” s coffed the bachelo r .

By that time,he

’s los t h i s reason !”

The widow rested her elbow on

the handle Of her sunshade,put her

ch in in her hand and smi led out atthe sea .

“Yes,she s ai d

,he has . He has

reached the marrying mood .

“The—what ?”

[ 49 ]

T H E W I D O W

The marrying mood . A mannever deci des to marry a gi rl j us ts imp ly because he loves her , o r because she i s su i table

,o r because he

ought to marry her,or because she

i s i rres i s tib le or f asc i nating or i nlove wi th h im . He never marries atal l unti l he gets the marrying mood

,

the matrimoni al fever—and then hemarries the fi rs t gi rl who comesalong and wants h im

,young or Old

,

p retty o r ugly,good orbad . And that

expl ain s why a lot Of men are tiedup to women that you cannot poss iblysee any reason fo r h aving been marri ed at al l

,much les s married to those

pa rti cul a r men .

“Good heaven s !” excl aimed thebachelo r

,I ’m glad I ’ve got p as t the

age— I )

“But you h aven’t !” decl a red the

[ 50 ]


T H E W I D O W

themselves to some l i ttl e fool th ingwi thout a p enny to her name or athought wo rth hal f th at amount ?That was a l ate attack Of the matrimoni al fever—and the Ol der you geti t the harder i t goes . Let me see

,

”

added the widow thoughtful ly,

“how

Old a re you ?I haven’t los t my i deals—no r my

teeth !” decl a red the b achelo r defensively.

“What i s you r i deal ? asked thewi dow leaning over and peep ing upunder the b achelo r’s h at b rim .

The b achelo r s ta red b ack at he rth rough lowered l ashes .

“I t’s got on a violet h at , he be

gan,

“ and vio l et“ I s that a sh ip out there ? asked

the widow,sudden ly becoming in

terested in the sea .

[ 52 ]

J TO SA! NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

And violetOh

,dea r ! she i n terrup ted petu

lantly .

“O f cou rse,you’ve got i deals .

All men h ave i deals—but they don’tO ften marry them . The troub le i sthat when a man has the marryingfeve r he can clothe anyth ing i n cu rl sand petti coats wi th the i l lus ions hehas bui l t a round th at i deal

,and put

the ideal’s halo on her head and imagine she i s the real th ing . He canlook at a red-headed

,pug-nosed gi rl

f rom an angle that wi l l make herhai r seem pure gol d and her pug lookG reek . B v some menta l feat , he cantrans fo rm a gi rl six feet tal l wi th nowai s t l ine and an acute elbow into aki tten ish

,p lump l i ttle th i ng that he

has always had in mind—and marryher . O r

,i f h i s i deal i s tal l and wi l

lowy and etheri al,and he happens to

[ 5 3 ]

T H E W I D O W

meet a woman weighing 200 poundswhose fi rs t thought i n the mo rn i ng i she r b reakfas t and who l e l as t thoughtat n igh t i s he r dinne r

,he will p icture

her merely att ractively p lump and ama rvel Of i ntel lec t and imagination .

And,

” the widow sank her ch i n i nher hand and gazed out to sea reflectively ,

“ i t i s al l so p i ti ful,when you

th ink how happy men coul d makemarri age

,i f they woul d only go

about i t sc ientifical ly !”“Then what

,

” i nqu i red the b achelor fl inging away hi s c iga r and fol ding h is a rms d ramatical ly . i s thesc ience Of choos ing a wi fe ?”

“Wel l,s ai d the widow

,counting

Offon the tip s O f her l i l ac s i lk gloves ,“fi rs t Of al l a man shou l d neve rchoose a wi fe when he finds h imsel ffeel i ng lonesome and dream ing Of

[ 54 ]

J TO SA ! NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

fu rn i shed flats and s topp ing to talk

to babies i n the s treet . He has the

marrying fever then,and i s in no fit

cond i tion to p ick out a wi fe and un

l ess he i s ve ry ca reful he i s l i able to

marry the fi rs t gi rl who smi les a t h im .

He should shut h i s eyes tight and flee

to the wi l derness and no t come backunti l he i s p rep ared to see women inthei r p roper l ights and thei r rightp ropo rtions . ”

“And then ? sugges ted the bache

Then,

announced the widow

orato ri cal ly,

“he should choose awi fe as he would a di sh at the tablenot because he finds her attractive

or del ic ious o r sp i cy,but—because

he th inks she wil l agree wi th h im .

”

“ I see,

” added the bachelo r,

“ and

[ 5 5 ]

T H E W I D OW

won’t keep h im awake nights,

” headded .

The widow nodded .

“No r give h im a bi tte r tas te in themouth in the morn ing . A good wi fei s l ike a dose of medici ne—hard toswal low

,but t ruly help fu l . The gi rl s

who wea r f ri l l s and h igh heel s andcu rly pomp adou rs a re l ike the s al adwi th the most d ress i ng and ga rn i shing

,l ikely to be too rich and sp i cy ,

whi le the p l ai n l i ttle th ing in theserge ski rt

,who never powders her

nose,may p rove as sweet and who le

some—as—as home-made pudding .

”

“O r—home-made p ickles

,sug

gested the bachelo r wi th wry face .

The w idow shook her p a rasol ath im admon i sh ingly .

“Don’t do th at !” c ried the bache

[ 56 ]


DO what ?” i nqui red the widow inaston ishment .

“Wave your f ri l l s in my eyes ! Ih ad j us t made up my mind to p ropose to M i s s Gunning andThe widow sat up perfectly

s tra igh t .“DO you real ly admi re—a marble

s l ab,M r . T rave rs ?”

“And your f ri l l s,pu rsued the

b achelo r,unmoved

,

“ l ike s al ad dressing n

I beg you r p a rdonO r ga rn i sh i ngsM r . T ravers !”

M ight be merely a lure to makeme take something wh ich woul d disagree wi th me .

”

The widow rose and looked cool lyout over the waves .

“ I can’t see,

”she s ai d

,

“why you

[ 5 7 ]

T H E W I D O W

should fancy there coul d be anychance

“ I don’t,

” s ighed the bachelo r . “ I ti sn’t a matte r Of ch ance

,but O f

choi ce .

The i ce in the widow’s eyes meltedin to sun i n a moment . She turned tothe bachelo r impuls ively .

“Why do you want to marry me ?she asked .

The bachelo r rose and lookeddown at her c ri ti cal ly

“Wel l,

” he s ai d,fo r one th ing

,be

cause you’re j us t the woman I oughtnot to mar ry .

”

“What !”

You’re too h igh ly sp i cedB i l ly !”

And you’d be su re no t to agreewi th me

“B i l ly T ravers !

[ 5 8 ]


T H E W I D OW

V

MONEY AND MATRIMONY .

T rhymes wi th‘matrimony’ in

qui red the widowtaking her penci l out

Of her mouth and looking upthoughtful ly th rough the f ringes O f

her pomp adou r .“Money

,responded the bachelo r

p romptly,as he flung h imsel f down

on the grass bes i de he r and p roceededto s tudy her p rofile th rough theshadows of the maple leaves .The widow ti l ted her ch in sco rn

fu l ly .

I suppose they do sound al ike ,she condescended

,but I am making

a poem ; and there is no poeti cal h armony in the combination .

”

[ 60]


There i s no harmony at al l wi thout it

,

” remarked the b achelo rsho rtly .

“But how on ea rth can youmake a poem out O f matrimony ?”

“Some peop le do,

” rep l ied thewi dow lofti ly .

“On p aper ! sneered the b achelo r .On p aper they make poems O f deathand bab ies and rai l road accidents andheal th foods . But in real l i fe matrimony i sn’t a poem ; it

’s mo re l ike a

decl a ration O f war,oran i temized ex

pense account,o r a census report

,or

a col d bus iness p ropos i tion .

”

The widow bi t the end Of her penci l and l a i d as i de her p aper . I f thebachelo r coul d have caught a gl impseO f her eyes beneath the lowered l asheshe might not have gone on ; but hewas s tudying the sky th rough themap le leaves .

[ fil l

T H E W I D OW

“ I t’s a beauti fu l bus iness p ropos iti on

,

” he added .

“A magnificen tmoney making scheme

,a

The bachelo r’s eyes had d roppedto the widow’s and he stopped sho rt .

“GO on

,

”she remarked in a co l d

,

sweet voice that t rickled down hi sb ack .

“Oh,wel l

,he p rotes ted l amely,

when vou marry fo r money you generally get i t, don

’t you ? But whenyou m a rry for love—i t’s l ike puttingyou r l as t dol l a r on a long shot . ”

“ I f you mean there’s a del ightfuluncerta in ty about i t ?” began thewidow .

“There’s no th ing hal f so del ightful

,decl a red the bachelo r

,

“ asbetting on a su re th ing . Now

,the

man or woman who ma rries fo rmoney

[ 62 ]


Earns i t,b roke in the wi dow fer

vently .

“Ea rns i t by the sweat Of the

b row . The man who marri es awoman for her money i s a whi tes l ave

,a bond se rvan t

,a traves ty on

manhood . Fo r every do l l a r he re

ceives he gives a ful l equ ival ent i nsel f- resp ect and independence

,and

al l the things dea res t to a real man .

A real man,

” rema rked the bachelo r

,taking out h i s p ipe and l igh ting

i t,

“wouldn’t marry a woman for hermoney . I t’s woman to whom marriage p resen ts the al lu ring financ i a lp rospect . ”

“Oh,I don’t know

,responded the

widow,c ross ing her a rms beh ind her

head and lean ing thoughtfu l lyagains t the t ree at her back .

“ Inthese days O f typewri ti ng and s tenOgraphy and manicuring and trained

[ 63 ]

T I—I E W I D O W

nurs ing,matrimony Offe rs about the

poo res t retu rns,f rom a bus ines s

s tandpoin t,O f any feminine occup a

tion—the longes t hou rs,the hardes t

work,the greates t d rai n on you r

p ati ence,the mos t exacting master

and the smal les t p ay,to s ay nothing

Of no hol i days and not even an evening Off.

”

No r a chance to ‘give noti ce’ i fyou don’t l ike you r j ob

,

” added theb achelo r sympatheti cal ly .

“ I f the average bus iness man .

went on the widow,igno ring the in

terrup tion,“demanded hal f O f h i s

s tenographer that he demands Of h iswi fe he cou l dn’t keep her th reehou rs .

“And yet,remarked the b ache

lo r,pul l i ng on his p ipe medi tatively,

“ the average s tenographer i s only too

[ 64 ]

J t TO SA ! NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

glad to exchange her po s i tion fo r thatof wi fe whenever she getsThe j angle Of gold bangles

,as the

wi dow b rought her a rms down f rombehind her head and s at up s traight

,

in te rrup ted h i s sp eech .

“Whenever she getsThe widow p icked up her ruffles

and s ta rted to ri se .

“Whenever she gets—ready,fin

ished the bachelo r qu ickly .

The widow sat down again andleaned b ack agains t the t ree .

“How perfectly you i l lus trate mypoin t

,

” she remarked sweetly .

“Oh,

” s ai d the b achelo r,taking h i s

p ipe out Of h i s mouth,

“di d you havea point ?”

“That marri age i s someth inghigher and finer th an a bus inessp ropos i tion

,M r . T ravers

,and that

[ 65 ]

T H E W I D O W

there a re lots Of reasons formarryingbes ides financ i al ones . ”

“Oh, yes,

” agreed the b achelo r,

“ there i s fol ly and femin ine coerc ionand because you can’t get out Of i t

,

and“As for ma rri age as a money af

f a i r,

” pu rsued the widow withoutwai ting

,

“ i t’s j us t the money s i de O fi t th at causes al l the squabbles andunhapp ines s . I f they’ve got i t

,they

a re a lways qua rrel ing over i t and i fthey haven’t got i t they are alwaysqua rrel ing for i t . The Castellanesand M arlbo roughs who fight overthei r b i l l s and thei r debts a ren’t anyhapp ie r than the Mu rphys and theHool igans who figh t over the p ri ceof a p int O f beer . I t’s j us t as difficu l t to know what to do wi th moneywhen you’ve got i t as i t i s to know

[ 66 ]


T H E W I D O W

“ that would be l ike wri ting you rep i taph and choos ing the style Ofyour coffi n .

“And every man,pursued the

bachelo r,

“woul d be wi l l ing to giveh i s wi fe her board and room and as al a ry adequate to her se rv i ces and toh i s i ncome

“And to let her eat wi th the fami ly

,

” j ee red the widow .

“Wel l,

” fin i shed the b achelo r .“ then marri age wouldn’t O ffe r thepoores t retu rns i n the p rofess ion almarket . And

,bes i des

,he added

,

“ there woul d be fewer wives s i ttingabout in ap a rtment ho tel s holdingthei r h ands and o rdering the bel lboys around

,while thei r husb ands a re

down town f retting and s truggl ingthemselves i nto ' b ankrup tcy ; and

fewer husb ands spending thei r n ights

[ 68 ]


and thei r money out with the boys ,whi le thei r wives a re bending over

the cook s tove and the sewing

machine,t rying to make ends meet

on noth ing a yea r . ”

“But that,c ried the widow

,tak

i ng her hands down f rom her eyes,

“would mean spending you r court

sh ip talking stocks and bonds andd ivi dends !”

“And the res t O f you r l i fe fo rgetting them and talki ng love

,

” decl a redthe bachelo r

,t riumphantly .

The widow looked up specul atively .

“Wel l—perhaps,

she acquiescedi f cou rtsh ip were more Of a bus iness p ropos i tion marri age would beless Of a fa i lu re . Anyhow

,you’d

know in advance jus t what a man

[ 69 ]

T H E WI D OW

cons i dered you wo rth i n do l l a rs andcents . ”

“And you’d el iminate al l the un

certa in ty,

” added the bachelo r .“And the chance Of having to beg

fo r you r ca rf a re and p in money .

“And Of having to go bankrup tformati nee ti ckets and Eas te r h ats . ”

“And Of being asked what y ou di dwi th you r al lowance .

“O r Of how you acqui red you rb reath or los t you r watch .

”

“The trouble i s,

” s ighed thewidow

,

“ that no man woul d eve r beb road enough or generous enough tomake such a p ropo s i tion .

”

“And no woman would ever besen s ib le enough to l i s ten to i t . ”

“Nonsense . Any woman would .

I t’s jus t the sort Of thing we’ve beenlonging fo r.”

[ 70 ]

J TO SAY NOTHING OF THE MAN J

Wel l,s a i d the bachelo r

,tu rn ing

on hi s b ack and looking up at thewidow specul atively

,

“ let me seeyou coul d h ave the violet room

“What !” excl aimed the widow .

“ I t’s go t a good sou th v i ew ,

” p rotested the bachelo r

,

“ and bes i des i t’s

not over the ki tchen .

“What on ea rth do you mean ?The wi dow sat up s tra igh t and herbangles j ingled warningly .

“And you could have S aturdayand Wednesday even ings ou t . Thosea re my club n ights . ”

“How dare you !”

And any sal a ry you m igh t ask

What a re you talk ing abou t , B i l ly

T ravers ?”

“ I’m making you a p ropos al O fma rri age

.

” ex pl ained the bachelo r i n

[ 71 ]

T H E W I D OW

an inj u red tone . Don’t you recogn ize i t ?”

The widow rose s i len tly,l i f ted the

sheet O f p aper in her hands and to rei t to p ieces .

“Was that your poem ? inqu i redthe bachelo r as he watched theb reeze ca r ry the f ragments away overthe grass .The widow shook out her ruffles

and p icked up her hat .“You’ve taken al l the poetry out Of

i t,

”she reto rted

,as she fled toward

the house .

The bachelo r looked afte r he r undeci dedly fo r a moment . Then heleaned back l az i ly and bl inked up atthe sky between the leaves .

“And th i s,

” he s ai d softly,i s the

whi te man’s bu rden .

[ 72 ]

“

! OU’

V E take n all the poet ryout O f it .

!


T H E W I D O W

Yes,agreed the bachelo r , enthu

siastically .

“I s there anybody whose

head you p arti cul a rly want b roken ?

I feel remarkab ly l ike fighting .

”

“O f course,you do

,

” s a i d thewidow sympatheti cal ly .

“The fighti ng sp i ri t i s bo rn in every man . Butduel l ing i sn’t a s ign Of love ; it

’s a

s ign O f egoti sm,hu rt p ri de

,the Sp i ri t

O f competi tion,the dog- in- the-man

ger feel ing . Bes i des,i t’s out Of fash

ion .

“Wel l,s ighed the bachelo r

,

“ thenI suppose I shal l h ave to s ave you rl i fe or—die fo r you .

”

“! ou might

,s ai d the widow

,

nodding encou ragingly,

but i twouldn’t p rove anyth ing—excep tthat you h ad a sense Of the p icturesque and d ramati c . Suppose youd i d s ave my l i fe ; woul dn

’t you do as

[ 74 ]

«3 TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

much fo r any man,woman or ch i l d

,

or even any l i ttle s t ray dog whomight happen to f al l out Of a boat orbe caught i n a fi re

,or get under the

feet Of a runaway ?”“ I ’ve got it !” c ried the b achelo r

,

“ I ’l l wri te a book Of poems andded icate them to you .

”

The widow toyed wi th her spoon .

“You’ve done that to—several gi rl sbefo re

,

” she remarked ungrateful ly .

“That’s it !” c ri ed the bachelo r .

How i s a man going to tel l whenhe’s i n love when he feel s the sameway—every time ?

“H ave you fo rgotten you r soup ?asked the widow

,gl ancing at the un

touched pl ate in f ront Of the bachelo r .The bachelo r p icked up h i s spoon

languidly .

[ 75 ]

T H E W I D O W

N O,he s ai d

,but

Because i f you had,s ai d the

widow,

“ i t would have been a p roof . ”

“A—what ?”

A p roof,repeated the widow .

Fo rgetting to eat you r meals is thefi rs t s ign of love A man may wri tepoetry and swea r love by al l thep l anets sep a rately ; but i f he s i ts downOppos i te you an hou r afterward ando rders mutton chop s and gravy anddevou rs them to the l as t c rumb ,ei ther he doesn’t mean what he saysor doesn’t know what he i s talkingabout . When he lets h i s b reakfas tgrow col d and fo rgets to go out to h i slunch and loses h i s i n te res t i n h i s d in

ner i t’s a su re s ign Of love .

”

“ I t might be a s ign Of dyspeps i a ,sugges ted the b achelo r doubtful ly .

Oh,wel l

,

” p roceeded the widow ,

[ 76 ]


s ipp ing her soup lei su rely,

“ there a reother s igns bes i des a los t appeti te .

”

The bachelo r looked hopeful .“ I s one Of them smel l ing violets al l

day,when there a ren’t any ’round ;

and feel ing a funny j ump in yourth roat every time you catch s ight O f aviolet h at ; and suddenly di scoveringyou have wri tten

,

‘Send me eigh tquarts Of vio lets and a widow

,

’in

s tead Of eight qua rts O f gasol ine anda p atentThe widow leaned so fa r over her

soup that her eyes were completelyshaded by the b rim Of her violet hat .

“! es

,she s ai d gently

,

“ loss O freason i s one O f them—and los s O fmemory .

”

“And loss O f s l eep ?And loss Of common sense .

And loss Of sel f- respect ?”

[ 77 ]

T H E W I D OW

And Of you r powers Of convers a

tion .

”

“Nonsense ! c ried the bachelo r,a

man in love can say more foolth ingsThe wi dow put down her spoon

emphati cal ly .

“A man in love,she contradi cted

,

can’t talk at al l ? I t’s not the thingshe s ays

,bu t the th ings he i sn’t ab le to

say ; the things th at choke right upi n h i s th roat

“ I ’ve had that !” i n te rrup ted the

b achelo r.“H ad—what ?The ‘ love- lump’ i n the th roat .And did

'

you ever gO up s ta i rs tol ight the gas and tu rn on the wate ri ns tead ; o r walk th ree b locks in thewrong di rection wi thout knowing i t ;or hunt ten minutes fo r you r shoes

[ 78 ]

'


and then d i scove r i t was you r col l a rbutton oryour hat that you had los t ?”

“O r add a column Of figu res andget a poem for the answer ; or. break

you r neck runn ing to the Oflice and

then have to sit down and think whatyou came down ea rly fo r ; o r begin abus ines s l ette r ‘Dea res t Smith’ andd rop i t i n the box wi thout a s tamp

,

or read your paper ups i de down,

o r

You’ve got it !” c ried the widow .

I know i t,

” s ighed the bachelo r,

dreadful ly !”

“The i dea,I mean

,s a i d the

widow,blush ing .

“Those a re thereal p roofs O f love .

“Bu t,

” p rotes ted the bachelo r,

“ they aren’t imp ress ive . How areyou go i ng to let the gi rl know

[ 79 ]

T H E W I D O W

A gi rl always knows,decl a red

the widow .

“Are you going to s ay,

‘Araminta,

darl ing,I put on Odd socks th i s morn

ing and s al ted my coffee and suga redmy chop . Accep t th is as a p roof ?”

N O,no

,no

,

” s ai d the widow,

l augh ing,

“O f cou rse not ! But whenyou a rrive at he r house hal f an hourbefo re the time and appea r at Oddand embarras s i ng moments wi thout arati onal excuse and get mixed onyou r dates and look at he r as i f shewere the moon o r a ghost

,and might

d i sappea r at any moment,and s i t fo r

hou rs gaz ing into sp ace and moi s tening you r l ip s in the hope that youwi l l th ink Of something to s ay

“She knows that she’s got you !groaned the bachelo r .

“Oh,she may not

,

” decl a red the

[ so ]


T H E W I D O W

l ike ! yrle B el lew’s . She never keepsy ou wai ting

,but i s always dressed

and s i tting in the p arlo r an hou r befo re you a rrive and i s never in ahu rry to get home and wi l l walk fo rblocks bes ide you in the ra in wi th herbes t h at on without ca ring . She begins to ‘mother’you

“TO what ?”

TO caution you about getting

your feet wet and avoid ing a d raughtand weari ng you r ove rcoat and tolook at you eve ry time you leave he ras i f she was af rai d you would diebefo re mo rning and—Mr. T rave rs

,

do you know I bel ieve th is t ra in hasreached J ersey Ci ty ?”

“Why—why—so i t h as ! Wai te r !

Wai ter ! Where in thunder i s thatblockhead ? Why hasn’t he b roughtus the res t Of the d inner ?”

[ 82 ]


You fo rgot to orde r i t !” s a i d thewidow

,looking mal ic ious ly up under

her hat .“J ersey C i ty ! Las t s top ! cal led

the conducto r f rom the doo r .

The bachelo r put down h is n apkin and rose .

“Check,sir? asked the wai te r

,

wi th accus ing eyes .“Were you fo rgetting to p ay ? in

qui red the widow,so ftly.

The bachelo r th rus t a b i l l i n to thewai te r’s hands and s ta rted down theais le

,fol lowed by the widow .

“You fo rgot you r change,

re

marked the wi dow,as they s tepped

in to the depot .“Oh

,never mind

,s a i d the bache

lo r . “Where a re you r wraps ?The widow clutched hi s s leeve .

[ 83 ]

T H E W I D O W

I I—l ef t them in the din ingca r

,she s tammered .

The bachelo r gazed down at thetop Of the violet hat wi th a triumphant smi le .

“Oh,do gO back and try to get

them !” moaned the widow glanc ingwi ldly at the t rain

,which by th i s time

was being swi tched onto a s i de t rack .

“ I t wi l l be at the ri sk O f my l i fe,

decl a red the bachelo r,

“bu t i f youwant—any more

“Mo re—what ? asked the widow,

dis tractedly“Proof

,s ai d the b achelo r .

“ I t i sn’t necess a ry,

s ai d thewi dow

,as she Sp ied an exci ted po rter

runn ing toward them,clutch ing a

pongee coat,a s i lve r h and bag and

a violet p a rasol .“These

,

” s a i d the bachelo r,tak ing

[ 84 ]

3 TO SAY NOTH ING OF THE MAN J

them tenderly f rom the po rte r andtipp ing h im

,a re the mos t substan

ti al s igns Of“A lost head

,s a id the widow

quickly .

“O r a los t hea rt,added the bache

lo r,as they c rossed the s tation and

s tepped fatuous ly on to—the wrongferryboat.

[ 85 ]

T H E W I D O W

V I I

A SHORT CUT.

HAT ought I to do,

asked the widow,

ca reful ly l i cking al lthe gum Off the flap

Of a vio let envelope and then tryingto make i t s ti ck

,

“ to a s i l ly boy,who

asked me for a ki ss ?”“What ought you to do ? repeated

the bachelo r,l aying down h i s c iga r

and rega rd ing the widow severely .

“R efuse him,Of cou rse .

”

“Oh,O f cou rse

,

” agreed thewidow

,rubbing the envelope Sp as

modically with the end Of he r handkerch ief

,

“but what ough t I do toteach h im bette r ?

[ 86 ]


I can’t th ink Of anyth ing—better

,rep l ied the bachelo r

,chari tab ly

reach ing fo r the v io let envelope andclos ing i t firmly with hi s fist .

“How about j us t taking the ki sswi thout asking fo r i t ?” i nqui red thewidow naively

,as She leaned lux uri

ously back among the cush ions Of thed ivan .

“Wouldn’t that h ave beenbette r—fo r h im

,I mean ?

“Would i t ?” The bachelo r lookedthe widow S t raigh t i n the eye .

“Wel l,

” rep l ied the widow weakly,

toying wi th some f ringe on a s atinso fa p i l low and ca reful ly avoi dingthe bachelo r’s gaze

,

“he would havego tten i t . ”

“And now he never wi l l,rej o ined

the bachelo r wi th a confidence he d i dnot feel .

“Oh,I don’t know . The widow

[ 87 ]

T H E W I D O W

became suddenly interes ted in thea rrangement of the f ringe on thesatin sof a p i l low .

“But i t i sn’t theman who asks a woman fo r a ki ss or—or anyth ing - who gets i t . I t’s theman who takes fo r granted .

“Takes—what ?”

Takes her by su rp ri se,M r . T rav

ers,

exp l ained the widow,

“ anddoesn’t give her time to th ink or tosay no . The Short cu t to managing awoman i s not a rgument or reason .

I t’s action . She may l ike to be

coaxed,but i t’s the man who orders

her abou t whom she admi res—andobeys . Eve has never fo rgotten thatShe i s only a rib and when Adam fo rgets i t

,she

“M akes h im feel l ike a smal l p a rtO f the verteb rae

,

” i n terpol ated thebachelo r tentatively.

[ 88 ]


T H E W I D O W

r i ngs Off as though the matte r weresettled . The question Of who’s goingto have the whip hand in love or

matrimony i s dec i ded the very fi rs ttime a man looks at a woman and letsher know who’s mas te r . ”

The bachelo r fl i cked the ashes Offhis c iga r and rega rded the widowcuriously .

“Are you talking Ch ri s ti anSc ience o r Hypnoti sm he inqu i redpati ently .

“Nei the r,

rep l ied the wi dow,

“ I ’m talking facts,M r . T ravers .

H aven’t you ever seen a l i ttle sho rtl egged man wi th a snub nose ma rriedto a beau ti ful

,queenly c reatu re

,

whom he ordered about as i f she

were the o riginal G reek S l ave andwho obeyed him as i f he were Neroh imsel f

,and ado red h im in p ropo r

[ 90]


tion to h is ove rbea ring qual i ties ?And have you never seen a magnifi

cent,six - foot- two specimen Of mas

cul ine humani ty,who was fi rs t i n

war and fi rs t everywhere but i n h isown home

,where he was af ra i d to

put h i s feet on a chai r o r l ight a p ipeor make an original remark

,because

some l i ttl e d ried-up runt of a womanhad him hypnotized in to bel ievingthat he was the th i rty- second verteb rae and she a l l the res t of the bonesand s inew of the human race ? Awoman i s l ike a darky

,who fancies

that‘freedom

’means th ree-quarters of

the s i dewalk,o r a smal l boy who im

agines that doing as he p leases means

smash ing h is s i s ter’s toys and s teal ingsweets f rom the p antry . Put her i nher p l ace and She wi l l s tay there ; bu t

give her an inch of power and She’l l

[ 91 ]

H E W I D O W

take an el l of l iberty and boss you Off

you r own doo r s i l l . The bigges t,

boldes t woman that ever l ived i s bui l tl ike a barge

,to be towed ; and any

l i ttl e man who puffs up enough S teamand makes a loud enough noise canattach her to h imsel f and tow her al lthe way up the rive r of l i fe .

”

The bachelo r l ai d down h is c iga rand gazed at the widow in awe .

“And I never knew i t,

” he whispered huski ly .

“ I suppose,s a i d the widow

,be

ginn ing to toy wi th the f ringe again,

“ th at you’ve been asking gi rl s to kissyou

,al l th i s time .

”

“N ot all the time

,p rotes ted the

b achelo r .“And

,Of cou rse

,con tinued the

widow mal i c ious ly,

“ they’ve al l refused you .

”

[ 92 ]


T H E W I D O W

“ I t’s to the boy,began the widow

,

who—who“Took the roundabout way ? fin

ished the bachelo r,help ful ly .

The widow nodded .

“ I have wri tten h im,she ex

p l ained,

“ that he mustn’t—that i twoul d be bes t i f he woul dn’t comehere any mo re . That wi l l keep himi n h i s p l ace

,I th ink .

”

“On h i s knees ?” i nqui red thebachelo r s a rcas ti cal ly

“And I tol d h im,p roceeded the

widow,with a rep roach ful gl ance at

the bachelo r,

“how very rude andfool i sh

“D i d you exp l a in , in terrup ted theb achelo r

,

“ th at the fool i shness cons i s ted in no t taking the k i ss ?”

“M r . T ravers l”

[ 94 ]


And that the rudeness l ay en

t i t ely in as suming that you might notwant to be

“How dare you ! c ried the widow ,

flaming as red as the sca rlet s atin sof ap i l low beh ind her head .

“ I gave h ima dreadful scol ding !” She added

,

looking pens ively at the sealed noteand toying wi th the edge of the flap

,

as though She hal f wished i t wouldcome open again .

“ I n other words,remarked the

bachelo r l aconi cal ly,

“having h imdown

,you p roceeded to wipe you r

feet on h im . S ince he had tu rned thelef t cheek

,you made him tu rn al l the

way round , so that you'

could s ti ckp ins i n h i s back and make him feell ike the th i rty- second verteb raeand

I had to,M r . T ravers

,c ried the

[ 95 ]

T H E W I D O W

widow p lead ingly .

“ I t was my duty .

“You r—what ?”

To teach him a lesson,exp l a ined

the widow p romptly .

“He’s go t tolea rn th at in the s i tuation betweenman and woman there’s only one

th rone and th at whoever gets up on

i t fi rs t wields the s cep tre . He’s gotto lea rn th at the conques t of womani s not

,l ike the B attle O fWate rloo

,an

affa i r O f S t rategy,but l ike the B attle

of Bunker H i l l o r S ennacherib“O r the Bos ton Tea Pa rty o r theM ass ac re of the I nnocents

,

” b roke inthe bachelo r . “But a ren’t you a l i ttleha rd on the gi rl ? I f you get h im toowel l t rained he’l l beat her .

”

“Wel l,

” rep l ied the widowp romptly

,i f he does she’l l ado re

h im . Bes i des,i t’s much bette r to

have the matrimon ial med ic ine ad

[ 96 ]


T H E W I D O W

She i s always gl ad enough to s i t backand be thought fo r and voted fo r bVsome man who has magneti zed heri nto bel ieving him the inca rnation ofi n tel l igence . And any man can do i t .I f the average husband only had al i ttle more nerve and fewer nerves

,he

could mas te r h i s wi fe wi th one handand hi s eyes Shut . The heathen Tu rkcan get a long bet te r wi th a wholeharem ful l of women than the c ivi lized man gets along wi th one lone

,

lo rn wi fe . I t i sn’t because he’s anywiser or cleverer o r kinder

,but be

cause the firs t Tu rk lea rned the sho rtcut to managing a woman and p assed

the sec ret down in the fami ly . Theydon’t ask them to marry them overthe re

,they o rder them ; they don

’t re

ques t them to run an errand or sew

on a button , they merely wave thei r

[ 98 ]

Page 99

( C

l'

V E got the co u ragela st—and the audacrty .

”

at


T H E W I D O W

Oh,mercy ! c ried the widow

,

and my hai r is j us t“Am I intruding ? asked a f resh

faced young man,entering b riskly

between the po rtie res .“No t a t al l

,Bobby

,s a id the

widow sweetly,holding out one hand

and feel ing her b ack hai r wi th theother . “

! ou a rrived j us t at thep sychologi cal moment . We havebeen talking about you fo r the l as thal f hour.”

[ 100I


V I I I

AFTER LOVE P)

i s i t,

” asked thewidow

,swinging her

Chatel a ine pens ivelyas She s t ro l led down

the avenue bes i de the bachelo r ,“ that

the man who i s most in love i s mos tap t to get over i t sudden ly ?”

The bachelo r wi thd rew h i s eyesf rom the p retty p ai r of ankles ac ros sthe s treet and gl anced down at thewidow wi th the len ient sm i le o fsuperio r wi sdom .

Why i s i t,

” he reto rted,

“ that theman who drinks the most champ agneat d inner has the wors t headache nextmorn ing ?

“That i sn’t any exp lanation at al l,

[ 101 ]

T H E W I D O W

M r . T ravers . The widow’s chatel a ine j ingled imp atien tly .

“Champ agne i s i n toxicating .

”

“SO i s love .

”

Champagne leaves you wi th an

an al l -gone feel ing .

”

And love leaves you wi th ‘ thatti red

“Not me,

s a i d the widowp romp tly

,

“ I always feel exh i l a ratedafte r—af te r

“Afte rwa rds,

fin ished the bachelo r help ful ly .

“But you’re a woman .

I t’s the man who has the ‘ ti red feelIng

What i s i t l ike ? pers i s ted thewidow .

“Wel l,the bachelo r fl ipped h is

c ane though tful ly,di d you ever eat

a fou rteen cou rse d inne r,and then go

to Sherry’s a fte rwa rd fo r supper and

[ 1 02 ]


T H E W I D O W

ful ly,as he squ in ted at another p ai r

of p retty ankles,

“women a re sentimental topers . They Sip thei r wineor thei r sen timent s lowly and comfortably ; they don

’t gulp i t down l ikea man . That’s why the man hasusual ly fini shed the bottle befo re thewoman has touched her glass . He i sready to tu rn out the l ights and putan end to the affa i r j us t as She hasbegun to get real ly interes ted . But

,

”

and the bachelo r tu rned suddenlyupon the widow

,who i s the man ?

Show him to me !” and he b roughth i s cane down fiercely on the s i de

walk .

“Wh-what man ? asked thewidow

,tu rn ing p ink to the tips o f

her ea rs .“The man who has j i l t—gottenover i t . I don’t see how it’s poss ib le ,

”

[ 1 04 ]


he added thoughtful ly,with you .

“Me ! The wi dow’s voice was aschi l l an d c ri sp as the autumn ai r . “ Iwi sh

,

”she added musingly

,

“ th at Iknew how to p atch i t up .

“That’s right !” reto rted the bachelo r . “T ry to revive hi s i nte res t i nchampagne by Offeri ng i t to himthe morn ing af te r . What he needs ,my dea r l ady

,i s —i ce When he h as

had a l i ttl e i ce and a l i ttl e tab ascos auce

“He may want mo re champ agne ?asked the widow hopeful ly .

“Yes,

” rep l ied the bachelo r,swing

ing his cane cheerful ly,

“but no t f romthe same bottle . W i l l women eve rlea rn ,

” he mused,

“ that i t i s as imposs ib le to revive a man’s i n teres t i na woman he has completely gottenover loving as to make h im want s tale

[ 1 05 ]

T H E W I D OW

champagne wi th al l the fizz gone outOf i t ?”

“ I don’t see why,s ai d the widow .

A woman Often f al l s i n love wi ththe s ame man twice .

“Because she never fal l s too muchin love wi th h im—once

,

” exp l a inedthe bachelo r .

The widow’s Chatel a ine rattled in

dignantly .

Nonsense ! She c ried, A woman

’slove i s a lways s tronger and deeperthan a man’s .

”

“But i t i sn’t so effe rvescent . She isa n atu ral mi se r and She hoa rds herfeel ings . A man fl ings hi s sentimentabout like a p rodigal and natu ral lywhen i t’s al l gone—there i sn’t anyleft . ”

“I s that when he gets the ‘ ti red

[ 106 ]


I’

PI EZ \VTI I )C)VV

on her gloves and th ings . When he

woke up —I beg your p ardon—afte rthey had b roken Off

,he never coul d

abi de the smel l of roses . ”

“ I suppose,s ai d the widow

,hold

ing her muff agains t her cheek sen

timentally“ i t reminded him of al l

the tender l i ttl e tete-a- tetes and

moonl ight n ights and the way her

h ai r cu rled about her fo rehead and

the way She used to smi le at h im,and

of her gloves and her ruffles and the

colo r of her eyes and“ I t di dn’t !” s ai d the bachelo r em

phatical ly .

“ I t nauseated h im . I t’Sthe woman who always remembers

tIIe p leasan t p a rt of a love affai r Aman remembers only—the ‘ nextmorn ing—and the hard time he had

getting out of i t . ”

[ 108 ]


And the headache,

added thewidow .

“And the ‘ ti red feel ingAnd the other woman

,suggested

the widow contemptuous ly .

“Yes,

” agreed the bachelo r,

“ theother woman

,Of cou rse . But

,

” headded thoughtful ly

,

“ i f a womancould only take the h in t in time

“What time ?” asked the widow .

When a man begins to be l ate fo rhis engagements ?”

“Yes ; o r to fo rget them al together . ”

“And to make excuses and enl a rgeon his rush of bus iness . ”

And to seem abstracted du ringthe conversation .

“And to s top noti cing her jokes o rher f rocks or the way she does he rh ai r . ”

[ 109 ]

T H E W I D O W

And to s tay away f rom p l aceswhere he coul d be su re to meet her .

”

“But,

” p rotes ted the widow,

“ they

f always make such p l aus ib le excuses .

“Noth ing,

” s a i d the b achelo r confidew u keep a man away f roma woman excep t {156k of i nteres t In

O r an interes t _ i n anotherwoman

,added the wi dow p romptly .

“But,”

she concluded tentatively,

“ the re ought to be a cu re fo r i t . ”

“For what ? The othe r woman ?That ti red feel ing

,M r . T ravers .

There i sn’t any cu re,

” rep l ied thebachelo r p romptly

,

“but there’s agood p reventive . When you were avery l i ttle gi rl

,

” he continued p atron

iz ingly ,“and l iked j am

“ I l ike i t now !” decl a red the

widow .

[ 1 10 ]


T‘

I I IZ

That’s i t ! s ighed the bachelo r,

She never has . She j us t l ays thewhole feas t befo re the man

,fl ings al l

her charms at h i s head at once,sur

feits h im with the champ agne of herwi t and lets h im eat al l the sugar Offh is cake right away . The love affai rsp rings up l ike a mush room and

“Oh,well

,

” i nte rrup ted the widowimpatiently

,I l ike mush room love

affa i rs . I l ike a man who can fl ingh imsel f headlong into an affa i rand

“O f cou rse you do ! s ighed thebachelo r

,

“every woman does Thesens ible and temperate man who wi l llove her al l h i s l i fe

“A l i ttle ! s a i d the widow contemptuously .

“Wel l,a l i ttl e i s enough

,reto rted

the bachelo r,

“ at a time .

[ 1 12 ]


That depends,s a i d the w idow

on how many times—one i s loved .

There a re some women who a re so

s aving O f thei r sugar and f rugal wi ththei r sentiment that they never knowthe real joy Of a grand p ass ion or of

having a man love them p roperly .

V Vhat’S the use of h aving money i f

you are always going to keep i t i n thebank ?” she added conclus ively .

The bachelo r looked down at herand sai d noth ing . There was a smi leof hopeles s res ignation in h i s eyes .

“Here we are !” c ri ed the widow,

suddenly s topp ing i n f ront of a tal lb rowns tone house and hol ding outher hand po l i tely .

“SO gl ad tohave

“Aren’t you going to invi te mein ? demanded the bachelo r

,i n as

tonishment .

[ 1 1 3 ]

T H E W I D O W

The widow l i f ted her eyeb rows inf ain t su rp ri se .

“What,

” she asked sweetly“ af te r

“You b roke an engagement wi thme l as t n ight !” blu rted out the

bachelo r,looking the widow s tra ight

i n the eyes . But the widow sh i ftedher gaze to the p ark ac ross the s treetand swung her Chatel aine indifferently .

“And you weren’t ‘ at home’ to methe day befo re yes te rday and youwere out of town for a week befo rethat ; and you p romised me that th i sa fte rnoon

“D i d I ? asked the widow,looking

up innocently .

! es,you di d ! decl a red the

bachelo r .“Oh

,wel l

,l aughed the widow , as

[ 1 1 4 ]


T H E W I D O W

V inega r,mus ta rd

,pepper

,s al t

,

s a i d the widow counting Off the buttons o f he r coat

,ch i l d fashion .

The bachelo r looked at her out O fthe co rne r of h i s eye .

“Anyth ing el se ?” he asked .

“A l i ttl e—i ce,s ai d the widow

,

gazing out over the p ark .

“Anything el se ? pers i s ted the

b achelo r .The widow s tudied her mu ff mus

ingly .

“Oh—I don’t know,

she s a id ,doub tful ly .

“Any—suga r ? demanded the

bachelo r .The widow shook her head sm i l

ingly.

“N O,She s ai d

,

“I’m s aving thatfo r another

“Another !

[ 1 1 6 ]


Another time,s a i d the widow

ambiguously as she let the doo r closeso f tly beh ind her .

[ 1 17 1]

T H E W I D OW

I !

HER WAY .

HERE,

” s aid the b achelo r

,as he nodded am i ab ly

at the b ig,jo l ly- look i ng

man bes i de the l i ttle ,weazened woman ,

“ i s the bes t husband the Lord eve r made !

“The Lo rd !” s a i d the widowscorn ful ly .

“ I t i sn’t the Lo rd whomakes husb ands . I t’s the wi fe !

“And I always thought God madeAdam

,s ighed the b achelo r , humbly .

“Adam,

”said the widow p romptly ,

as she d ropped another lump Of sugarin to her tea

,

“wasn’t a husband . Hewas only a man . And a man i s only

- raw mate ri al . He i s l ike a readymade f rock or a ready-made coat ; hehas go t to be cut down and bu i l t up

[ 1 1 8 ]


T’

I I IZ VVTI I) (3’

VV

in to a ful l -s i zed specimen . They a rel ike the odds and ends lef t on theremnant counter You have to do thebes t you can wi th them and then useCh ri s ti an S ci ence to make you rsel fbel i eve they a re al l there and

'

that thep atches don’t show . H aven’t youever seen magnificent women trai l ingl i ttle annexes afte r them l ike echoesor—or

“Cap tives in the wake of a conquering queen ? b roke in the b achelo r .The widow studied her Sévres cup

pu rp le p lume on her hat danced .

“Those,

”she excl aimed

,

“ a re thebargain -counter husbands

,p icked up

at the l as t moment and made over tofi t the s i tu ation —wh i ch they neverdo .

”

The bachelo r set down h i s teacup

[ 120]


with the l ight of revel ation in hi seyes .

“And I always thought,

” he excl aimed solemnly

,

“ that they werep icked out on purpose to act asShadows or—or s atel l i tes .

“Picked out !” echoed the widow

mockingly .

“As i f al l womenwouldn’t be marr i ed to G reek gods orNapoleon B onap a rtes o rWel l ingtonso r Byrons i f they could ‘p ick out

’ ahusband . Husbands a re l ike Chri s tmas gi fts . ! ou can’t choose them .

You’ve jus t got to sit down and wai tunti l they a rrive ; and sometimes theydon’t a rrive at al l . A woman doesn’t‘p ick out

’ a husband ; She‘p i cks over’

what’s O ffered and takes the bes t o fthe lot . ”

“And sometimes you’re so longp icking them over

,

” added the bache

[ 1 21 ]

T H E W I D O W

lor,

“ that the bes t ones are snappedup by somebody else and you h ave totake the left- overs .

”

The widow poi sed her Spoon abovehe r cup tentatively .

“Wel l,

” she s ighed,

“ i t’s al l a lottery anyhow . The gi rl who snaps upher fi rs t Offer O f marri age i s as l ikelyto get something good as the one whosnaps her finger at i t and wai ts fo r aPrince Cha rming unti l the l as t hou rand then di scovers that She has p assedhim by and that some other womanhas taken h im and made him ove rbeauti ful ly . And even i f a gi rl hadthe who le worl d to select f rom

,she

wouldn’t know how to choose . ! ou

never can tel l by the way a thinglooks under the elect r i c l igh t i n theshop how i t wi l l look in b road dayl igh t when you have go t i t home , o r

[ 1 22 ]


TTII IE”WV I I) C)VV

wildes t ‘ j ol ly good fel low’wil l O ftentame down l ike a l amb o r a pet ponyi n ha rness and wi l l become a joy fo rever wi th a l i ttle t rimming Off andtaking i n and bas ting up .

”

“Humph,p rotes ted the b achelo r

,

but when you catch’em wil d and

tame ’em,how do you know they are

not go ing to b reak the harness or

bu rs t the bas ting th reads ?The wi dow cons i dered a moment .“ ! ou don’t

,

” She acknowledgedgrudgingly .

“But there i s a greatdeal i n catch ing the wi l d va ri ety anddomes ti cating them whi le they areyoung . O f cou rse

,i t’s utterly impos

s ib le to subdue a l ion af te r he has gothis second teeth

,and i t’s u tterly fool

i sh to t ry to refo rm a man—afte r he isthi rty o r h as begun to lose h i s h ai r .Bes i des

,

” she added,

“ there i s SO

[ 124 ]


much in the woman who does thetrain ing and the making over. Therea re some women who could spoi l thefines t mascul ine cloth in the worl d bytoo much cutting and ripp ing andand nagging ; whi le the re a re otherswho can give a man o r a house o r af rock j us t the touch th at wi l l perfectthem .

“How do they do i t ? asked thebachelo r enthus i as ti cal ly .

“Take ’emby the n ape Of the neck and

“M ercy,no !” c ried the widow .

They take them unawares . Thewel l- t ra ined husband never knowswhat has happened to h im . He onlyknows that

,afte r ten years o f matri

mony, he i s ashamed to acknowledgehis own youth ful p ictu re . He hasbeen l i te ral ly refo rmed in everyth ing f rom his co l l a rs and the way

[ 1 25 ]

TH E'

WI DOW

he p arts h i s ha i r to his mo rals andthe way he s igns h i s name . The bes thusb ands a ren’t caught ; they’remade . And the luckies t woman isn’tthe one who marries the bes t man

,

bu t the one who makes the mos t outo f the man she marries . ”

“Bu t,

” p ro tes ted the b achelo r,

.

“if

we’re such a lo t and such a lo tte ry,

why do you marry us at al l ?”

The widow looked up in su rp riseand S topped wi th her cup poi sed inm idai r .

“Why do we wear f rocks,M r .

T ravers ? she asked wi theringly .

“Why do we pompadou r our hai r or

eat wi th fo rks or go to p ink teas ?

M a rri age is a cus tom ; and i f a

woman doesn’t marry She i s s imp ly

non—non

[ 1 26 ]



Compo s menti s ? inqu i red thebachelo r

,help ful ly.

“Wel l,yes

,sai d the wi dow

,but

that wasn’t what I meant . What i sthe Latin fo r ‘not in i t’? He r f atherlooks at her accus ingly eve ry time hehas to p ay he r d ressmaker’s b i l l andher mother looks at her commiseratingly eve ry time She comes homewi thout being engaged and al l herf riends look a t her as i f She were acu ri os i ty or—O r a fa i lu re . And bes i des , she misses her m i s s ion in l i fe .

That was what the Lo rd pu t Eve inthe wo rl d fo r—to give the fin i sh ingtouches to Adam .

”

“She fin ished h im al l right !” excl a imed the bachelo r fe rvently .

“M ak i ng a l iving,

” wen t on thewidow sco rn ing the ins inuation

,

“or

making a ca reer o r making fame or

[ 1 27 ]

T H E W I D O W

a fo rtune i sn’t the real fo rte ofwoman . I t’s making a husband—out

of a man .

“ I should think,s a id the b achelo r

setting down h is teacup and lean ingback comfortab ly in h i s ch ai r

,

“ thatthey would fo rm a co rpo ration andset up a f acto ry where they coul dtu rn ’em out by the dozen o r thec rate—or

“Pooh ! c ried the widow,a hu s

b and is a work Of a rt and has to bem ade by hand . He can’t be tu rnedout by machine ry l ike a ch romo or al i thograph . And

,bes i des

,i f you

want a ready-made one you canalways find p l en ty O f them on thesecond-hand counter

“On the—where ?”Where they keep the widowers

expl ained the widow .

“ I f a woman

[ 128 ]


T H E W I D O W

And that the o ther woman hasn’tbotched h im .

”

“And even then he’s a hand-medown—and may sh rink o r run or

“Oh,widowers don’t sh rink or

run,reto rted the widow .

“M atrimony i s a h abi t with them

,and they

feel l ike a cab -horse out of h arnesswi thout i t . They long to feel the b i tbetween thei r teeth and the gentleh and on the reins

“And the b as ting th reads,added

the b achelo r . “ I wonder what i t’sl ike

,he went on

,medi tatively .

“You’l l neve r know,

” s a i d thewidow

,setting her cup on the tabour

ette .

“You’re too Ol d .

“Yes,I’ve got my second teeth

,

s ighed the bachelo r“And your bal d spo t . ”

[ 1 30]


And I ’ve sown my second cropof wi ld oats . ”

“And yet,

” s ai d the w i dow leani ng her chin i n her hand and lookingup thoughtful ly under her pu rp lefeather

,

“ i t wou l d be a great triumph

“ I won’t be put i n harness ! p rotes ted the bachelo r .The widow cons i dered h im

gravely .

“There’s p lenty Of materi a l inyou

,

”She decl a red .

“You cou l d betrimmed off and cut down and

“ I’m too tough to cut !”

And rel ined .

“ I ’m almos t mo th-eaten now !moaned the b achelo r .The widow leaned fo rwa rd and

sc ru tinized h im with interes t .“I t woul d be a p i ty

,

”she s a i d

[ 1 3 1 ]

T H E W I D O W

slowly,

“ to l et the wrong womanbotch you . The next time you p ropose to me She added thoughtful ly

,

I th ink I l l“D i d I ever p ropose to you ?

b roke in the bachelo r wi th realf righ t.

“Oh,lo ts of times

,s a id the

widow ;“it’s almos t a h abi t now.

”

“But you refused me !” pleaded thebachelo r . “S ay you refused me .

”

“ I d i d,s ai d the widow promp tly .

I wasn’t looking fo r—remnants . ”“Never m ind reto rted the bache

lo r . “Some day you may find I ’ve

been grabbed up .

“You’l l h ave los t al l you r—s ta rchand s tyle by then

,

” s ai d the wi dow asshe p atted her b ack h ai r and s ta rtedfor the door .

[ 1 32 ]


TH E W I D OW

The widow looked up suddenlyunder her vio let feathe r .

“The o ther woman,she s a i d

so f tly,

“o f course . ”

[ 1 3 4 ]

J TO SA! NOTHING OF THE MAN J

!

MARRIAGE .

C SN’T al l th i s talk about ‘ t ri al

ma rr i ages’absu rd ?” rema rkedthe

'

widow,l aying her news

p aper On the tabourette anddepos i ting two smal l red ki d toes on

the edge o f the fender .“ I t i s

,

” agreed the bachelo r, cheerful ly

,with hi s eyes On the red ki d

toes,

“ cons i dering th at al l marri ages

a re—t ri als.”“J us t f ancy

,went on the wi dow ,

sco rnful ly,ignoring the flippancy ,

“being leased to a husb and or wifefo r a period Of yea rs

,l ike a flat o r a

yacht or—Or

“A second-hand p iano,sugges ted

the b achelo r .“And knowing

,continued the

[ 1 3 5 ]

T’

PI EZ \NTI I)C)VV

wi dow,gazing contemplatively into

the fi re,

“ that when the lease o r thecontract or whatever i t i s exp i red

,

unless the other p arty ca red to t e

new it, you woul d be on the market

aga in .

”

“And p robably in need O f al l so rtso f rep ai rs

,

” added the bachelo r,re

flectively , i n your temper and yourcomplexion and you r i deas . ”

“Yes,

” s ighed the widow,

“ tenyea rs o f marri ed l i fe wi l l rub al l thevarn ish off you r manners

,and al l the

colo r off your i l lus ions and al l thefini sh Off you r convers ation .

“And the h inges of you r love making and you r p retty speeches a rel ikely to c reak eve ry time you Openyou r mouth

,

”afli x ed the bachelo r

,

gloomi ly .

“And you a re bound to be old- fash

[ 1 3 6 ]


T H E W I D O W

specimen o f c rocodi le o r a cu rioI )

or

“ I t takes nearly al l of one l i fetime

,

” interrup ted the widow,im

patiently,

“ to get used to one wi fe o rhusband ; but, acco rd ing to the

‘ t ri almarri age’ i dea

,jus t as you had gotten

somebody ni cely t ra ined into al l you rl i ttle ways and di scove red how tomanage h im

“And to blu ff h im,i n te rpol ated

the bachelo r .“And what to have fo r dinne r

when you were go i ng to Show himthe bi l l fo r a new hat

,

” p roceeded thewidow

,

“ and how to keep h im athome nights

“And to sep a rate h im f rom his

money,remarked the bachelo r

,sar

castically.

“And to make h im see th ings you r

[ 1 3 8 ]


way,

concluded the widow,

“ i twoul d be time to p ack up you r trunksand leave . Any two peop le

,

”she

continued,medi tatively

,

“can l ivetogethe r fa i rly com fo rtably afte rthey have d iscovered the p ath a roundone another’s ne rves - the l i ttle th ingsnot to say and not to do i n o rder toavoi d f ri ction

,and the l i ttle th i ngs

to s ay and to do th at wi l l oil thematrimoni al wheels . But i t wouldtake al l the ‘ t ri a l’ period to get thedomes ti c machine runn ing

,and

then“You’d be running afte r ano the r

soul -mate,

” fin ished the bachelo r,

symp atheti cal ly .

“Yes . ” The widow crossed the redk i d toes and then d rew them quicklyunder the ruffles o f he r ski rts as shecaught the bachelo r s ta ring at them .

[ 1 3 9 ]

T H E W I D O W

And—I’ve—fo rgotten what I wasgoing to say, She fin ished

,tu rn ing

the co lo r o f her s l ippers .“Oh

,i t doesn’t matte r

,s ai d the

bachelo r,consol ingly .

“What !”“ I t doesn’t matte r what you say

,

exp la ined the bachelo r,

“it’s the way

you s ay i t,and

“About soul -mates,b roke in the

widow,col lecting hersel f

,

“ there’dalways be the chance

,

”she pu rsued

hu rried ly,

“ th at you’d have to takea second -hand one .

”

“Sometimes,

” remarked the bachelo r

,blowing a smoke ring and gaz

ing th rough i t at the p l ace where thewidow’s toes had been

,

“second-handgoods a re more attractive thancheap

,new arti cles . Fo r ins tance ,

widows

[ 1 40]


T H E W I D O W

antly . J ust imagine,

she addedi rrelevantly

,l iv i ng wi th a person

whom somebody else h ad tra ined !”“Oh

,that would have i ts advan

tages,decl a red the bachelo r . “A

horse b roken to harnes s i s alwayseas ie r to handle .

”

“Perhap s,

” agreed the widow leaning back and thoughtless ly pu ttingher red ki d toes on the fende r again

,

but when two ho rses a re go i ng tot ravel together i t i s always bes t fo rthem to get used to one another’s gai t

f rom the fi rs t . Don’t you look at i tthat way ?

“Wh ich way ? asked the bachelo r,

s quinting at the fender wi th h i s headon the s i de .

“Fancy,

” s ai d the widow no t notici ng the deflection

,

“marrying a manwho had been encou raged to take an

[ 1 42 ]


interes t in the househol d affa i rs andhaving h im fo l lowing you aboutp icking up th ings af te r you ; o r one ,whose fi rs t wi fe had tra ined him toS i t by the fi re in the even ing

,and

whom i t took a derrick to get to thetheatre or a d inner p arty ; or one who

had been permi tted to smoke a p ipeand put h i s feet al l ove r the furnitu re and growl about the meals andboss the cook !”

“O r to a wi fe,i n te rpo l ated the

bachelo r,

“who had always handledthe funds and monopol i zed the convers ation and chosen her husband’sco l l a rs and who th rew al l he r p as thu sbands at you every time you di dsometh ing she wasn’t used to or Ob

jected to someth ing She was used to .

”

“Yes ,” agreed the widow wi th a

l i ttle sh iver,

“what horri d th ings

[ 1 43 ]

T H E W I D O W

two peop l e could say to one anothe r .“Such as ‘Jus t wai t unti l the lease

i s up sugges ted the b achelo r .The widow nodded .

“O r,

‘The next time I marry,I’l l

be ca reful no t to take anybody wi thred hai r

,

’ o r,

‘Th ank goodness i twon’t l as t fo rever !’ She added .

“That’s the beauty of it !” b roke in

the bachelo r enthus i as ti c al ly.

“ I twouldn’t l as t fo rever ! And theknowledge that i t wouldn’t would besuch an anaes theti c .

”

“Such a What !” the wi dow sat upso sudden ly th at both toes s l ippedf rom the fender and her heel s l andedindignantly on the floo r .

“ I t would be the lump of sugar ,exp l a ined the b achelo r

,

“ that woul dtake away the b i tte r tas te and makeyou able to swal low al l the t ri als

[ 1 44 ]


T H E W I D O W

appeti te . M a rrying on tri al wou ldbe more l ike serving i t in cou rses . ”

“And changing the course wouldbe such a S t ra in

,decl a red the

widow .

“Why,when the contract

was up how woul d you know howtod iv i de th ings—the ch i l d ren and

“The dog and the cat . ”

And al l the l i ttle mementos youh ad col lected together and the thingsyou had Shared in common and thef avo ri te a rm chai r and the th ings youhad grown used to and fond of

“Oh,wel l

,i n that case

,

” remarkedthe bachelo r

,

“

you might have grownso used to and fond of one anotherth at when i t came to the p arting O fthe ways

, you woul d not wan t to partthem . Afte r al l

,

” he went on soberly,

“ i f ‘ t ri al marri ages’were put in to effeet

,they woul d end n ine times out

[ 1 4s ]


Of ten in good Ol d fash ioned matrimony. A man can get as accustomedto a woman as he does to a p ipe o r achai r

“What !”

And a woman,

pu rsued thebachelo r

,

“can become as attached toa man and as fond o f h im as She i sof an Old umbrel l a Or a p a i r o f O ldshoes that h ave done good serv i ce .

NO matter how batte red orwo rn theymay become

,no r how many b reaks

there a re i n them,we can never find

anyth ing to qui te take thei r p l ace .

M atrimony,afte r al l

,i s j us t a hab i t ;

and husbands and wives becomehab i ts—hab i ts that however di s agreeable they may be we don’t want top art wi th .

‘T ri al ma rri ages,’even i f

they shoul d be tried,wouldn’t al te r

th ings much . AS long as two peop le

[ 1 47 ]

T’

PI Ei \NTI I)C)VV

can s tan d one another they wi l l cl ingtogethe r anyhow

,and i f they can’t

they won’t anyhow ; and whether i t’s

a run out l ease or a d ivo rce o r p russ i cac i d that sep a rates them doesn’t makemuch difference . Cus tom

,not the

wedding ce rtificate,i s the tie that

b inds mos t of us . The savage doesn’tneed any l aws to hold h im to thewoman Of hi s choi ce . H ab i t does i t ;and i f hab i t doesn’t the woman wi l lThe widow s ighed and leaned back

in her chai r .“ I suppose so

,she s a id

,but i t

seems d read ful ly d rea ry .

”

“What seems d readful ly d rea ry ?

i nqu i red the bachelo r .“M atrimony

,

” rep l ied the widowsolemnly .

“ I t I S l ike those oldchai rs and p ipes and shoes and th ingsyou were speaking of ; i t

’s fu l l o f

[ 1 48 ]


T H E W I D O W

despe rately,and I ’m not second

h and,anyway !”

“N O

,

” s a i d the wi dow,look ing h im

ove r c ri t i c al ly,

“you’re Shop -wo rn .

But,o rigi n al ly

,you were an att rae

tive a rti c le,and you’re genu ine and

good s tyle and wel l p rese rved,and

i f ’7

Wel l ? The b achelo r looked upexpec tan tly .

I f the re WERE such a th ing as‘ t ri a l ma rri ages’ The w idow hesitated aga in .

“You’d g ive me a tri al ? asked the

b achelo r eage rly .

“Oh,

” s ai d the w i dow,s tudying

the toes o f he r red s l i ppe rs,

“ i t

wouldn’t be—such a t ri a l !”

[ 1 50]

“

N O ,said the WlClOW yo u ’re

s h op -wor n . ”

age 1 50


T H E W I D O W

The widow laughed and s toppedrubbing her nose .

But i t i sn’t in his eyes,She pro

tes ted,i f i t i s put on so a rti s t i c al ly

that he doesn’t see i t . Getti ng i t ons tra igh t i s such an art !” and thewidow s ighed .

“B l ack a rt, you mean , excl a imed

the b achelo r disgustedly .

“A madeup woman is l ike p as te j ewel ry andimi ta tion b ri c-a-b rac . She lookscheap and unsubs tantial an d asthough she wouldn’t wea r wel l .Even granting th at you a ren’t h al fgood enough for us

“What !”

And that you don’t come up toou r s tanda rdsThe wi dow dropped he r embroid

ery hoop and sat up wi th bl az ingeyes .

[ 1 52 ]


You flatte r yoursel f,M r . T rav

NO,I don’t !” re to rted the b ache

lo r. “ I t’s you who fl atte r us,when

you th ink i t necess a ry to p l as te r overyou r defects and pu t addi tions onyour

’

figures and rouge on you rcheeks and f ri l l s on your m anners .A s a matter O f f act

,

” he added decisively,

“ a man’s i dea l is a natu ralwoman wi th a n atu ral comp lex ionand natu ra l hai r and natura l waysand natu ral sel f- respect . ”

The widow s ighed and took up he remb ro i de ry hoop aga in .

“ I used to think SO,too

,she sa i d

s adly.

The bachelo r l i f ted hi s eyeb rowsinqu i ringly .

“B efo re I di s covered,she ex

[ 1 5 3 ]

T H E W I D OW

p l ained,

“ th at i t was jus t as o f ten awoman wi th butte r-colo red hai r anda tai lo r-made figu re and a ‘p as t’ anda manufactu red ‘bloom of heal th .

’

The truth i s,

”she concluded

,s tab

b ing he r needle very ca reful ly intothe centre of an unheal thy look i nggreen s i lk rose

,

“ that no two men admi re the s ame woman

,and no one

man admi res the same th ing i n twowomen . Now

,there’s M i ss Gun

n ing,who wea rs a sweater and s ays

‘damn’ and i s p erfectly n atura l andsel f- respecting andN0 man gets ecs tati c over a b ad

imi tation of h imsel f !” ex postulatedthe b achelo r .

“Then why,s a i d the wi dow

,l ay

ing down her need le and fix ing theb achelo r wi th a gl i tte ring eye

,

“doyou spend so much time on the go l f

[ 1 54 ]


ITTI EE \NTI I )C)VV

And superio ri ty,in terposed the

widow softly .

“That a man l ikes to feel toward awoman

,

” concluded the bachelo r,ig

noring her .“Muscle and b icep s and

a 3 2- inch wai st,

” he added,

“a re ‘re

f resh ing,

’ bu t in time they get onyour ne rves . I t may not be immoral

for a dea r l i ttle th ing to say‘damn ,

’

bu t i t affects a man j us t as i t would

to hear a cana ry b i rd squawking l ike

a p arrot . When a chap i s go ing fo r

a walk c ross count ry he may p ick out

the gi rl wi th the S t ri de and the s t rong

back,who can leap a fence and help

hersel f over puddles,to accomp any

h im,but when he i s ready fo r a walk

to the al ta r he natu ral ly p refers

somebody who unders tands the a rt Of

lean ing gen tly on the mascu l ine a rm

[ 1 56 ]


and who hasn’t any rough edgesor

n

Sha rp po in ts o f view,sugges ted

the widow .

“O r Op i n ions on the equal i ty of thesexes

,

” added the bachelo r .“O r on pol i ti cs . ”

O r the h igher l i fe .

O r on anything but the l ates t wayto cu rl her hai r and make over a hat

,

”

fini shed the widow .

“ I sn’t i t funny,

she added thoughtful ly twis ting aF rench knot into the centre of thes i ckly green rose

,

“how many men

i deal i ze a fool ?”

The bachelo r s ta rted .

“I—I beg your p ardon

,he s tam

mered .

“All a woman has got to know inorder to wear a halo

,

” went on thewi dow

,calmly fas ten ing the F rench

[ 1 5 7 ]

TTI I EE INTI I )C)VV

knot wi th a j erk of her needle,is

how to keep i t on s t ra ight . Al l a mandemands O f he r i s the negative v i rtues and the knowledge of how no t todo th ings ; how not to th ink

,how no t

to a rgue,how not to nag

,how not to

theo rize,how not to be ath leti c

,how

not to spend money,how no t to take

ca re o f hersel f,how no t

“You’ve go t you r i deas in to aF rench knot !” b roke in the bachelo rdespe rately .

“You’re al l tangled upi n the th read of you r a rgument . I ti sn’t how not to do th ings but how todo them that is importan t to awoman . I t i sn’t what she does buthow she does i t that matters . Shemay commit a h ighway murder o rlow down burgl a ry ; and i f she doesi t in a ruffled Ski rt and a p ictu re hat

any man wi l l fo rgive he r . He r

[ 1 5 8 ]


T H E W I D O W

kno t wi th a j e rk of her needle,is

how to keep i t on s tra ight . All a mandemands of he r is the negative v i rtues and the knowledge of how no t todo th ings ; how not to th ink , how no tto a rgue

,how not to nag

,how no t to

theorize,how no t to be ath leti c

,how

not to spend money,how no t to take

care o f hersel f,how no t

“You’ve go t you r i deas into aF rench knot !” b roke in the bachelo rdespe rately .

“You’re al l tangled upin the th read of you r a rgument . I ti sn’t how not to do th ings but how todo them that i s importan t to awoman . I t i sn’t what she does buthow she does i t that matters . Shemay commi t a h ighway murder o rlow down bu rgl a ry ; and i f she doesi t in a ruffl ed ski rt and a p ictu re hatany man wi l l fo rgive her . He r

[ 1 5 8 ]


moral s may be as c rooked and darkas a l ane at midnight ; but i f her manners a re smoo th and gentle and gui leless and tender she can deceive thecleveres t man al ive i nto bel ieving he ra nun . I t i sn’t what she s ays but howshe s ays i t th at counts . There a resome women who could read you rdeath warrant o r repeat the mul tip l i cation table i n such a confiding

voice and wi th such a tender gl ancethat you would want to take them inyour a rms and thank them for i t . I tIsn’t what a woman wears but howshe wears I t ; I t

’s not her beauty nor

her talents nor her f rocks that makeher fasc inating

,but her ways

,the

l i ttle ea rmarks Of femin in i ty thatGod put on every creatu re bo rn towea r petti coats ; and i f she

’s got thoseshe may be a Luc reti a Bo rgi a o r a

[ 1 5 9 ]

T H E W I D O W

He doesn’t want to see how thewheel s go a round at the to i let tab leo r i n a woman’s head o r her hea rt ;and i t’s the subtle

,i l lus ive l i ttle th ing

that he doesn’t noti ce unti l he s tep son her and finds her looking up adoringly at him under h i s nose that hei deal izes . ”

“And marries,added the bachelo r

conclus ively .

“And then fo rgets,

” s ighed thewidow

,

“whi le he goes o ff to amuseh imsel f wi th the obvious person withperoxi de hai r and a s tra ight- f rontfigure . I don’t know ,

” she added tentatively,

“ th at i t’s much fun beingan ideal woman .

”

“Who sa i d you were ?” demandedthe bachelo r suddenly .

The widow sta rted and tu rnedp ink to he r ch in .

[ 1 62 ]


T H E W I D O W

Wel l,then

,she i s—but SO many

Of them have to l d you .

“You haven’t,

” pers i s ted thewidow .

The bachelo r s ighed and rose to

The i deal woman he s ai d,as he

s l ipped on hi s gloves,i s—the woman

you can’t get . I s that the firelight

pl aying on you r pomp adou r ?” headded

,l ooking down upon the widow

th rough hal f- closed eyes . “DO youknow—fo r a momen t—I thought i twas a h alo .”

[ 1 64 ]


! I I

N EW ! EAR’S IRRESOLUTIONS .

SN’T i t ha rd

,s a i d the wi dow

,

gl anc ing rueful ly at the hol lywreathed clock above themantel-p iece

,

“ to know whereto begi n refo rming yoursel f ?”

“G reat heavens ! excl aimed thebachelo r

,

“you are not going to doanyth ing l ike that

,a re you ?”

The widow pointed solemnly tothe h ands O f the clock

,which ind i

cated 1 and then to the calendar,

on which hung one fluttering leafmarked December 3 1 .

“ I t i s time,

” She s ighed,

“ to beginour mental houseclean ing

,to sweep

out our col lection of l as t yea r’s foll ies

,and dust Off ou r petty s ins and

fl ing away ourold vices and

[ 1 65 ]

T H E W I D O W

That’s the trouble ! b roke in thebachelo r . “

I t’s so hard to know jus t

what to th row away and what tokeep . M aking New Yea r’s resolut ions i s l ike doing the Sp ring housec lean ing or c lea ring out a d rawer ful lof Old l ette rs and sentimental rubb i sh . ! ou know that there a re lotsO f th ings you ought to get ri d of

,and

that a re j us t i n the way,and that you

woul d be bette r off without,but the

minute you make up you r mind top art wi th anyth ing

,even a tiny

,insig

nificant vice,i t suddenly becomes so

clea r and attractive that you repentand begin to take a new interes t ini t . The only time I ever had to betaken home i n a cab was the day afte rI p romised to S ign the p ledge

,and

the bachelo r s ighed remini scently .

“And the only time I ever over

[ 1 66 ]


T H E W I D O W

reason i n giving up a b ig vice,

s ighed the bachelo r,

“ i f a fel low hadone . But the troub le i s th at mos t O fus men haven’t any big c riminaltendenc ies

,merely a heap of l i ttle

fo l l ies and weaknesses th at the re i sn’tany p arti cu l a r vi rtue in sac rificingor any p arti cul a r h a rm in keep ing .

“And wh i ch you always do keep ,in sp i te of al l you r New Yea r’svows

,

” remarked the widow i ron ical lyHuh !” The bachelo r l aughed

cyn ical ly .

“ I t’s ou r New Yea r’svows that help u s to keep ’em . Thevery fact th at a fel low has sworn tofo rego anyth ing

,whether i t’s a hab i t

or a gi rl,makes i t more attractive .

I’ve th rown away a whole box ofciga rs wi th the fines t in tentions in thewo rl d and then gotten up i n the

[ 1 68 ]


middle of the n igh t to fish the p iecesout of the waste b asket . And thatmidnight smoke was the sweetes t Iever had . I t was sweete r than theapp les I S tole when I was a ki d andthan the ki sses I S tole when

“ I f you came here to di l ate on thejoys of sin

,M r . T ravers

,

” began thewidow coldly .

“And,

” p roceeded the bachelo r,

“ I’ve made up my mind to s top fl irti ng wi th a gi rl

,because I found out

th at she was beginning to—to“ I unders tand

,

” i nte rrup ted thewidow sympatheti cal ly .

“And by jove !” fini shed the bachelo r

,

“ I h ad to res tra in mysel f to keepf rom going back and p ropos ing toher !”

“How lucky you did ! commentedthe widow wi theringly .

[ 1 69 ]

T H E W I D O W

But I wouldn’t have,exp la ined

the bachelo r rueful ly,

“ i f the gi rl h ad

rest rained hersel f .“Nevertheless

,repeated the

widow,

“ i s was lucky—for the gi rl . ”“Which gi rl ?” asked the bachelo r .The gi rl I b roke off with or the

gi rl that came afte rwa rd ?”

“ I suppose,

” mused the widow,

igno ring the levi ty and leaning ove rto a rrange a bunch of violets at he rbel t

,

“ that i s why i t i s so diffi cul t for

a man to keep a p romise or a voweven a marri age vow .

”

“Oh,I don’t know . The bachelo r

leaned back and regarded thewidow’s co ronet b ra i d th rough thesmoke f rom hi s c iga r . “ I t i sn’t themarri age vows that a re SO diflicult tokeep . I t’s the fool vows a manmakes befo re ma rri age and the fool

[ 1 70 ]


T H E W I D O W

anybodyA—e xcep t your hq and

may say to you in the conservato ryOh

,I see how i t feels !” fin ished the

widow wi th a symp atheti c l i ttleshudder .

“And yet,reflected the bachelo r

,

a woman i s always exacting vowsand p romises f rom the man she loves

,

always putting up bars—fo r h im to

j ump over ; when i f She would onlv

leave him alone he would be perfectly contented to s tay within boundsand graze in his own p astu re . Aman hates being p inned down ; but awoman doesn’t want anyth ing aroundthat She can’t p in down

,f rom her

bel t and her theories to her hat andher husband .

”

“Wel l,

” p rotested the widow,

s tudying the toe of her s l ipper,

“ i ti s a s ati s f action to know you’ve got

[ 1 72 ]


you r husband fas tened on S t raigh t byhis p romises and hel d in p lace by hi svows and th at he loves you enoughto

“Usual ly,i nterrup ted the bache

lo r,

“a man loves you i n inverseratio to h i s p ro testations . The love rwho p romises al l th ings wi thout reserve is too Often l ike the fel low whodoesn’t ques tion the hotel b i l l no r askthe p ri ce O f the wine

,because he

doesn’t in tend to pay i t anyway . Thefel low who is p rodigal wi th vows andp romises and poetry is general ly theone to whom such things mean no thing and

,being Of no value

,can be

flung about generous ly to every gi rlhe meets . The firm with the b igges tf ront Oflice i s l ikely to be the one wi ththe smal les t depos i t in the s afe . Theman who swears Off loudes t on New

[ 1 73 ]

ITI I IB

Yea r’s i s usual ly the one they have toca rry home the morn ing afte r . Andthe chap who p romises a gi rl a l i feo f roses is the one who wi l l let he rp i ck al l the thorns off fo r hersel f .

“Perhap s,

” s ighed the widow,

chewing the S tem o f a v iolet thoughtful ly

,

“ the bes t way to cu re a manOf a tas te for anything

,af te r al l

,i s

to let h im have too much of i t,i ns tead

of making him swea r Off. I f youwant h im to h ate the smel l o f a p ipeins i s t on hi s smoking one al l the time .

I f you want h im to S ign the temperance p ledge se rve h im wine wi thevery course . I f you want h im tohate a woman invi te he r to meet himevery time he cal l s

,and tel l h im how

‘ su i table’ She would be .

”

And i f you want h im to love y oufin i shed the bachelo r

,

“don’t ask h im

[ 1 74 ]


T H E W I D O W

the bachelo r,lean ing over to look

in to the widow’s eyes .The widow kicked the co rner Of

the rug tentatively .

“I l ike—al l but the p ropos ing,She

s ai d s lowly .

“You real ly ought tos top that

“ I’m going to s top it—to -night,

”

s a i d the bachelo r fi rmly .

The widow looked’

up i n al a rm .

“Oh,you don’t h ave to commence

keep ing you r resolu tions unti l tomorrow morn ing

,

” She s ai d qu ickly .

“And you a re going to s top refusing me—to-n ight

,

” con ti nued thebachelor fi rmly .

The wi dow studied the co rner o fthe rug wi th great concern .

“And,

” went on the b achelo r,tak

ing someth ing f rom his pocket andtoying wi th it thoughtfu l ly

,

“you a re

[ 1 76 ]

“

O H do n ’t In a mome n t we’l lbe mak Ing promises . ”

Page 1 77


I’PI EZ \NTI I)C)VV

the bachelo r’s coat l apel—and someth ing else .

“Then you do mean to marry me,

afte r al l ? c ri ed the bachelo r trium

phantly.

The wi dow gasped fo r b reath andp atted her hai r anxiously.

“ I I meant to marry you al l thetime ! she cried

,

“B ut I never thought

you were real ly in ea rnes t and

quoted the b achelo rhapp i ly

,

‘ that nei the r O f us d i d p ro

tes t too much .

’ We h aven’t madeany p romises

,you know .

”

“Not one,

” rejo i ned the w idowpromptly

,

“ as to my fl i rting .

”

“N or as to my clubs .”

No r as to my rel atives .

No r my ciga rs .”

And we won’t make any vows ,

[ 1 78 ]


c ri ed the widow,excep t marri age

vows .“And New Yea r’s i rreso lu tions

,

added the bachelo r.“Lis ten

,c ried the widow so f tly

,

with her fingers on her l ip s .A ‘peal o f a thousand S i lver bel l s

rang out on the m i dn ight ai r.“The ch imes !” excl aimed the

widow .

“They’re fu l l o f p romises !”“ I thought i t sounded l ike a wed

ding bel l,

” s a id the bachelo r,disap

pointedly.

“M aybe,s a id the widow

,

“ i t wasonly Love—ringing Off. ”

[ 1 79 ]

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The Widow to Say Noraxuc of the Man - · PDF filehopelessly, leaning back again,