TOP STORY TERROR UPDATE STILLS Area Man Smuggles 70 ...afriedman.org/hsp/PDF/PastIssues/HSPIssue12.pdfRichard Johnson The Not So Artful Dodger Justin Bernstein The Man Behind, or Just

Hey, shouldn’t Ibe on a plane?

Don’t even thinkabout taking meto your leader

Sting's nextdoor neighborcomplains of

loud sex

Ultra-feministchanges last

name to hyphen

Definition ofsmithereens

changed from73 to 84 little

pieces

BoseAnnounces NewNose Cancelling

Headphones

STILLSwww.harvardsp.com [email protected]

HarvardSatyrical Press

Issue 12Fall 2006

Harvard GraduateStudent Council

Harvard GraduateSchool of Arts &

Sciences Priority Printing

Harvard ComputerSociety

Deval Patrick

TOP STORY TERROR UPDATE

American Torturers DecryRecent Outsourcing Trend

Area Man Smuggles 70Kilograms of Liquid onto Plane

WASHINGTON DC - Nearly 5,000 mem-bers of the American Federated TorturersAssociation (AFTA) held a “Bring the TazersBack Home” rally in front of the CapitolBuilding yesterday to protest the burgeon-ing trend of US corporations and govern-ment agencies outsourcing torture... (pg 4)

RELIGION

MINI NEWS (pg 19)

BIOLOGY

GLOBAL POLITICS

PUBLIC HEALTH

Washington, D.C. -Following reports of a recent-ly foiled British terror plot,where the weapon of choicewas supposedly a bomb con-cocted out of explode-violent-ly-when-mixed fluidic substances...(pg 6)

European Union to Become 51stU.S. State

Snorks Found in Snapple,Beverage Company ConsidersPartial Recall...(pg 12)

Jesus Outsources Prayer-Answering to India

Europe - In an unprecedentedstatement this morning, thepresident of the EuropeanCommission, Mr. ...(pg 8)

USA - Jimmy Cooper wasone of many Americans todiscover this weekend thatinstead of talking to Jesus...(pg 10)

MBTA Transit Watch Pamphlet...(pg 11)

Hand Dryers Take Basically Forever...(pg 5)NASA Announces Breakthrough in...(pg 19)

Grad Student Mistakes Dove Bar forBar of DoveStochastic Processes ProfessorAssigns Grades Stochastically

CONSUMER REPORTSShaving Your Face Off Has NeverBeen Easier...(pg 9)

UPDATE ON THE ENVIRONMENTNASCAR Fan AnnouncesPlan to Save theEnvironment...(pg 14)

OPINIONAre Girl Scouts Human?...(pg 16)

POINT / COUNTERPOINT (pg 18)Angelina Jolie vs. Jeffrey SachsI will be the one to end povertyNo, In fact, it is I who will end poverty

Snoop Dogg vs. EminemPluto iz so a planetNo it’s not, Dogg

ENTERTAINMENTAre You Not Entertained,Again?...(pg 17)

E.O. Wilson is Sick and Tiredof Ants...(pg 13)

HARVARD SATYRICAL PRESS ISSUE 12 - FALL 2006

www.harvardsp.com [email protected] 2

FROM THE EDITORAfter an aborted attempt to print 3 issues last year, wemortal grad students realized 2 was more reasonable,but in the spirit of more comedy, we’ve expanded fromthe meager 12 or 16 page issues of the past to a fat

20 page issue! We had over 30 people contribute in some wayto the Fall 2006 issue, which is awesome. Our website now hashad nearly 50,000 total unique visitors from over 100 countries,and astronauts even viewed it from space. Like the universe, wecontinue to expand, with HSP Comics, a single-panel handdrawn comic contest, with winners to be published in our Spring2007 issue, sponsored by the Dudley House Arts Fellows. Lookfor flyers and send in your comics now! To get involved with HSP,read below. In any case, we hope you enjoy the Fall 2006 issueand achieve championship levels of procrastination. A.F.The Harvard Satyrical Press is an official student organization of theGraduate School of Arts & Sciences (GSAS) and is the only officialgraduate student humor magazine at Harvard. We thank the GraduateStudent Council (GSC) for generously helping to fund our publication.The Harvard Satyrical Press is not intended for readers under 18 yearsof age. And if you haven't figured it out already, this is satire, and theopinions herein obviously do not necessarily represent the opinions ofHarvard University, the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, or eventhe writers. Whether they constitute opinions at all is also debatable.But that's just your opinion...Andrew Friedman, November 2006

HSP accepts submissions from both Harvard graduate andundergraduate students. See our submission and editorialpolicies at www.harvardsp.com. Send submissions to [email protected]. The submission deadline for theSpring 2007 issue is March 5 2007.

Contact us for submissions, staff positions, advertising, ordonations, by e-mail [email protected] or by mail:Harvard Satyrical Press, Dudley House, Lehman Hall, HarvardUniversity, Cambridge, MA 02138, C/O Andrew Friedman,Editor in Chief

HSP needs your support. If you find yourself in an exceed-ingly philanthropic mood, and think laughter is a worthycause, please send donations to the address below.

By advertising with HSP, your business will have an opportu-nity to reach a large number of undergraduate and graduatestudents for a reasonable price. Our advertising rates anddistribution information can be found atwww.harvardsp.com

HSP is looking for staff writers, editors, graphic/web design-ers, and students with advertising/business experience. Weare also looking for a pair of black leather gloves.

Senior Editor /Treasurer

Editor in Chief

Senior Editor

Senior Editor /Graphics

Andrew FriedmanWarrior King of Zamunda

Christopher NightLord of Most Things

Jonathan DevorSergeant at Arms

Kamson LaiCanadian Hockey Powerhouse

Elise BaldwinPsychotic Psychologist

Staff Writers

Hassan Al-DamlujiSpecial Student

Matt HegrenessWalks Upright Sometimes

Christian BarthelExperimental German

Richard JohnsonThe Not So Artful Dodger

Justin BernsteinThe Man Behind, or Just to the Left of the throne

Jared KaplanMaster of Jewhitsyou

Scott BradleyPublic Health Crisis

Xavier KoenigThat British Dude

Ania BulskaThe Bulska

Jonathan RuelMocks Principles

Crystal FlemingSexual Chocolate

Ernst Van NieropFermented Fluid Mechanic

Barry FriedmanAdult Film Student

Mark WinklerThe St. Louis Marathon

Minh LeBody Double for Winona Ryder

Kaisey MandelFunnier Than Howie

Mariano ZimmlerBuenos Lasers

Nick KapurPast Man

Lydia BeanLonely Texas Democrat

Dan LevensonFormer U.S. Ambassador to Lilliput

Kyle SkorToken Viking Berserker

Kurt GrayReuters Foreign Despondent

Patricia VieiraFarpa

Staff Editors

Greg JonesGod-Emperor of Irraqis

Gordon RitterSchroedinger’s Stringy Red Cat

Peter DoshiMinister of Theory

Sabrina HomThe Little Witch

Bassam KomatiToo Cool For Adobe InDesign School

W. Tyler GibsonAuthor of Neuromancer



Announcing HSP Comics, a single-panel hand drawn comic contest, with winners to be published inour Spring 2007 issue, sponsored by the Dudley House Arts Fellows. Topics can include graduate stu-dent life, the universe, and everything (think “The Far Side”). Send scans of comics [email protected], or drop off original art in the box outside the Dudley House Arts Fellows office,inside the Graduate Student Lounge, on the 2nd floor of Dudley House. Submissions must be receivedby March 5 2007 for consideration. Selected submissions will be displayed around Dudley House andpublished online. For details see www.fas.harvard.edu/~dudley/fellows/art/comedy.html - The Editors

Priority Printing337 Cambridge St.Cambridge, MA 02141

Tel (617) 547-6919Fax (617) 864 [email protected]

WASHINGTON DC - Nearly5,000 members of the AmericanFederated Torturers Association(AFTA) held a “Bring the TazersBack Home” rally in front of theCapitol Building yesterday toprotest the burgeoning trend ofUS corporations and governmentagencies outsourcing torturecontracts to cheap foreign labor-ers, primarily in India, China,

and Rwanda.

After seeing tremendous growthin the aftermath of 9/11, theAmerican torture sector has seensteady decline in recent years asoutsourcing has skyrocketed.Former blue-chip stocks of com-panies such as TortuTech andAmerican Thumbscrews Ltd.have lost over half their valuesince the end of fiscal 2003, andthe American Torture Task forceestimates that by the end of2007, more than 50 percent ofAmerica's torturers will be unem-ployed.

American torturers point to theaffect that outsourcing torturewill have on the American econ-omy, as up to 1 million ofAmerica's native torturing sonsand daughters stand to lose theirjobs. “American torturers arehonest, hardworking, upstanding citizens,” said AFTApresident and former Ultimate Fighting ChampionBiff Bafferty. “Some of them work up to 42 hours aweek! What right do we have to deprive them oftheir livelihoods, or tell them all those years of train-ing were worthless? How will they feed their fami-lies or pay down their homes?”

Bafferty also cited a general decline in torture quali-ty as highly trained American torturers are replacedby untrained, uncertified foreign thugs. “Americantorturers are the best of the best,” he explained.“They go through years of training to ensure thehighest levels of information per unit of pain. Butnow we have people with Harvard Ph.D.'s in

Information Extraction who are practically on thebread line. Do Americans really believe that somevillager in Thailand with a baseball bat and somerusty nails will get better results?”

However Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who runs oneof the worlds largest net purchasers of torturingservices, disagrees. “American tortures are out oftouch and have failed to innovate,” he argues. “Theyfeel secure behind the safety of their fat union con-tracts, and often use Cold War Era techniques thatwere outdated even back in the 1970s when we firstgot into the torture sector. Why would we hire an

expensive, lazy American tor-turer when we could hire anexperienced Rwandan or asuperbly trained Indian tortur-er who will work 140 hours aweek for $5 dollars a day,speaks perfect English, andcan torture customers over thephone?”

Indeed, the new “TeleTorture”phenomenon is seen as one ofthe gravest threats to goodold-fashioned face-to-faceAmerican torture. Indian tor-ture technicians, who are oftenrecent graduates of the highly-rated Advanced Program inTorture and Pain Managementat the massive IndianInstitutes of Torture (IIT), areincreasingly hired on to con-duct torture over the phone,

ripping sacred religious texts or insulting the sub-ject's manhood in Mumbai while the subject is forcedto listen. If the subject is uncooperative, they caneven transmit electroshock countermeasures to pre-cise locations on the subject's body by bouncingthem of a satellite recently launched by the ChineseSpace Agency, using a microwave transmitter, GPStransponders, and a voodoo doll. Even when victimsare put on hold, the torture intensifies as classictunes by Yanni are piped through.

But corporations are not the only ones looking to for-eign torturers to cut costs. Even the US governmenthas joined the outsourcing parade. It's reached thepoint where last month less than half the inmates at



TOP STORY

American Torturers Decry RecentOutsourcing Trend

By Jack Bauer

Gitmo who underwent information managementmeasures were handled by American torturers.

Meanwhile, a joint announcement by Russia, India,China, and Lappland lastweek of a new tariff barri-ers against US torturingprompted House SpeakerDenny Hastert (R - IL), alongtime Congressionalsupporter of American tor-turers, to decry “the grow-ing Torture Gap” in aspeech to a rare joint ses-sion of Congress and callfor harsh countermeasuresto stanch the outflow oftorture contracts to thethird world and protectAmerican torture.

But the new bill proposedby Hastert seems unlikelyto pass, due to strongopposition from PresidentBush and Vice PresidentDick Cheney, both of whomwarned against starting a trade war at such a deli-cate time.

“The climate has changed after 9/11, and no wherehas it changed more than in the area of torture,”Bush said as part of a whistle-stop campaign speechon behalf of Florida congressman Tom Foley.

“America needs more and moretorture every day, and the fact is,American torturers just can't keepup. I'm the President, so I'm theone who decides how much tor-ture we need, and also what itmeans in the first place. But thatdoes not mean I am unsympa-thetic to the recent troubles ofAmerica's hard-working torturers.That is why I have askedCongress to quickly pass my 'NoTorturer Left Behind' bill to trainAmerica's torturers in new torturemethods - America can, must,and will have thefinest torturers in theworld.”

Related Story: AlbertoGonzalez Refuses to AttendAuto Show at Geneva

Convention Center, Says Quaint Center Not inStep with Post-9/11 World (page 116)



TOP STORY

STILLS

Man accidentallywrites grocery list

wrong way onpost it

Old bar of soapabout to mergewith new one

Washington, D.C. - Followingreports of a recently foiledBritish terror plot, where theweapon of choice was supposed-ly a bomb concocted out ofexplode-violently-when-mixedfluidic substances, the AmericanTransportation SecurityAdministration (TSA) has insti-tuted a ban on all things liquidon domestic and internationalflights, while only recentlyallowing any liquids you can fit

into a spacious 3 Oz. Ziploc sandwich bag. As aresult, airport trash bins have become dominated byvicious female cosmetic products, insidiously filledAquafina bottles, and always deadly unopenedSnapple products, while passengers' throats andcomplexions have turned into something resemblingthree thousand year old parchment.

Unfortunately, according to a report from TSAspokesman Robert Stillwater, even these cunningmeasures - while exceedingly fair, clever, and consti-tuting a reasonable, small, and patriotic sacrifice forpassengers - still fall well short of comprehensiveterror prevention. As a case in point, Stillwaterexplained how New Jersey native Elliot Rainier, a vet-eran fireman, father of two, and now a suspectedterrorist, smuggled nearly seventy kilograms of liq-uids onto an American Airlinesflight out of WashingtonNational last week.

“At the TSA, we pride ourselveson using state of the art tech-nology including biometric sen-sors, back-scattering X-raymachines, and stuff you can'teven see on well written, artful-ly paced, forensic TV shows”,Stillwater explained. “However,a single man, acting alone, byhimself, without even beingfinanced by an anti-Americanbillionaire or having an unpatri-otic foreign sounding name,was able to undermine thatsystem like a shotgun cuttingthrough Kleenex. The level ofstealth technology employed

was unbelievable. We have dogsthat can detect a single moleculeof illicit drugs, frogs that candetect single photons, and catsthat can detect even the barest smidgen of evil, butnone of this was enough to detect practically a reser-voir of wetness.”

As Stillwater described to HSP, Mr. Rainier's heinoussmuggle list was evidently comprised of a shocking-ly stunning variety of liquids, silently transportedonto American Airlines Flight 255, including cranber-ry juice, blood, Miller Lite, urea, and a whopping 65kilograms of a deadly substance most often associ-ated with drowning. And unlike the amateur razorblade kids and the Swiss army knife chicks of thepast, Stillwater explained that Mr. Rainier - a fullgrown adult and former college linebacker whoshould know better - wasn't even trying to prove apoint about the weaknesses of our security system.

“He actually claims complete ignorance of the con-tents he brought onto the aircraft. The nerve on thisguy! I'm not going to take his word for it justbecause firemen are so hot right now. Does he actu-ally expect us to accept that this veritable plethoraof toxic moistness was skillfully concealed on his per-son without his knowledge? If you ask me, that'sabout as believable as not being able to find yourown asshole.”



TERROR UPDATE

Area Man Smuggles 70 Kilograms ofLiquid onto Plane

By Robert Stillwater

As Rainier himself noted, “Look, I put blood, sweat,and tears into my job every day, putting out fires,and saving American lives, and this is how I gettreated by our government? Well, I guess Toronto isquite nice this time of year.”

When asked what the TSA planned to do in responseto such an embarrassingly exposed security weak-ness, Stillwater noted that, despite the severity ofthe measure, the TSA had no choice but to raise theterror alert to aqua. He also hinted at a variety ofnewly broadened security measures currently in theworks, including blindfolding, handcuffing, sedating,and/or cryogenically freezing all passengers duringflights of more than 10 minutes or 2 hours, whichev-er is less. “Don't worry, we'll revive you inTallahassee,” Stillwater assured concerned travelers.

“And although I am not at liberty to discuss thedetails at present, we may have to begin institutingeven more extra vigilant, effective, and efficientchecks for a newly identified type of passenger car-

rying a deadly flammable substance in their lungs, ofall places. Some of it has even been known to bepresent in large quantities in the aircraft cabin itself,not to mention the yellow masks we discoveredsecretly hidden in compartments above people'sseats. Obviously we will have to remove all of thisfrom the cabin in all future flights.”

“Look people, with this kind of new breed of wackoout there, dilettantes with ninja stars in the soles oftheir shoes and tactical nukes stuffed up their assesare the least of our worries. I know it's hard tobelieve that a human being would do that to them-selves, but listen people, ever since 9/11, we'velived in a post 9/11 world. There are a lot of crazypeople are out there, and if we Americans have togive up a few minor conveniences to safeguard ourright to transport our citizens in shaky pressurizedmetal tubes hurtling through the cloudsat 700 miles per hour, it's a price I'm will-ing to pay.”



TERROR UPDATE

Top 10 Things No Longer Allowed on Planes*snakes*snakes that are also bombs*wet T-shirt contests*other airplanes*dew*diet TAB (exception made for DIAL hand soap)

*snack boxes*John Malkovich, when he tries to kill a

man with peanut based gun*rocket fuel*gases*non Air Marshalls*Air*clothes*the appearance of being vigilant*plasma, superfluids, and Bose-Einstein

condensates*passengers*food (actually, this was already banned)*good movies (ok, this was also already

banned)*non-sedated babies*pilots*trashy novels

*solids (pending)*farts*adobe huts*gay stewards (lesbian stewardesses ok)*sleepers*cells (Eukaryotes excluded)*arm rests*gladiators*space and time (3 foot time bomb found on plane)

*terrorists

Other News: "Fly List" to replace "No Fly List". FAA Cites Rising Paper Costs. (page 2056)

Europe - In an unprecedentedstatement this morning, the pres-ident of the EuropeanCommission, Mr. Durão Barrosohas announced that the EuropeanUnion will be applying to becomethe 51st state of the US.

“This move should help foster economic cooperationand to strengthen cultural ties between the tworegions”, said Mr. Barroso in his speech to theEuropean Parliament. “We have known ever sinceThatcher that social democracy is doomed. The timehas come to embrace American liberalism whole-heartedly. And, let's face it, this moment was basi-cally sealed as soon as the French government ear-marked 20 square kilometers for EuroDisney Parisback in 1985.”

President Bush has reacted with moderate enthusi-asm to the EU application. In a short interview heldin the 5000 acre livingroom of his Texas ranchhe stated: “This will meanmore troops for our attack..., I mean protection, ofthe I-rocky people.Anyway, we won’t need tobother going through thatsilly United NATO stuffanymore. Coffee and Idon’t really get along thatwell anyway. My onlyconcern is with all thoseforeign languages. Soonsomeone will be chantingthe America anthem inFrench! I’m not sure if they even have a word forfreedom.” After a moment of reflection, the presi-dent's attention turned once more to the Mexicansoap opera he had been watching, in Mexican.

People from both sides of the Atlantic haveexpressed mixed feelings about the prospect of theunion. In a survey published in the New York Times,99% of Americans were reported to have said thatthey would like the EU to become part of the US.However, it was later discovered that a large numberof the interrogated believed that “EU” meant PuertoRico, Guam, or Hawaii. Indeed, only 11% of the sur-veyed seemed to be aware of the fact that therewere other countries outside North America and amere 1% had already heard about a continent calledEurope.

Within the European Union, the impending unifica-tion has given rise to great expectations. An inordi-nate number of retired couples from Norway havealready bought apartments in Florida condos andmany British are now taking classes in order to learnthe American language. Others are more skepticalabout the project of joining America. Most Italiansfear an invasion of the country by Starbucks and theLithuanians believe that Mr. Bush will never be ableto pronounce the name of theirnational language. Kazakhstan isstill so angry at Borat that theymissed the latest EU applicationdeadline, which sucks for themsince they could have gottenMedicare in the new deal. The onlyEuropeans who seem to haveadhered without reservations to the prospect ofbecoming American citizens are school children.When interrogated about the reasons for his supportof the idea, 12-year-old Gregor Weinrich from

Germany said with a malicioussmile: “If they treat us like PuertoRico, school will end two weeksearlier this year...”

Regarding whether the U.S. willnow adopt the Euro, or keep it’sown weak-ass and fading fast dol-lar, US Federal Reserve ChairmanBen Bernanke told HSP, “I canstomach the Monopoly Money ifyou can. And besides, Jefferson’shead is way too big anyway”.Bernanke further announced plansto finally remove both the penny,the fifty cent piece, and both the

Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea dollar coins fromcirculation, to be replaced by the 1 and 2 Euro coinswhich actually mean something. Nickels, dimes,quarters and the two dollar bill will remain valid cur-rency, “just for shits and giggles”, explainedBernanke.

Speculation about the name of the future superpow-er has gripped the international media, with sugges-tions that range from the inspiring “Union of Unions”,to the slightly dissonant “Eumerica”, to the remark-ably progressive “United States of America”.

The international community will beeagerly awaiting further developments inthis situation in the next few days.



GLOBAL POLITICS

European Union to Become 51st U.S. State

“My life is suck”

Possible Site of 2008 Super Bowl.

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CONSUMER REPORTS

Shaving Your Face Off Has Never Been Easier

by Chuck AlphaHead of PublicRelations,Shavenex Co Inc.

Old razor

USA - Jimmy Cooper was one of many Americans todiscover this weekend that instead of talking to Jesusor one of His angels during his prayers, he spokewith Rangeet Kapoor, an employee of India SuperCall Center. The call, which was recorded for qualitymonitoring purposes:

In fact, for little Jimmy, that was the first time hehad ever prayed to Jesus, after he heard from hisDaddy that Jesus was always listening, as opposedto that lazy ass Santa dude, who only worked for onemonth out of the year. For although Jimmy had fre-quently wished for Santa to bring him the flashiestnew sneakers and for the swift and merciless deathof his step-brother, he didn't realize the power ofprayer for earning him salvation.

Being slightly confused, Jimmy asked his SundaySchool teacher, Jeb Jebson, for clarification. HSPcontacted Jebson for comment.

“Well, just this Sunday” began Jebson, “I tells thosekids that they need to be praying ‘cause you justmight croak in your sleep, and if you ain't been pray-ing you'll be stuck in that big ol' lake of fire whereserpents gnaw unceasingly-like at your face andthere’s more torture than Guantanamo. That's whatI tells them. And then they go and pray and they getRajiv Abdul Kapur on the other end instead of ourLord and Saviour? All I know is that I don't needsome convenience store terrorist tellin' me whatJesus thinks. I already know what God thinks. Hehates gays, he loves Dale Earnhart Jr. (God rest hissoul), and he sure don't like foreigners. First themimmigrants steal our jobs now they steal our God. Ican tell you right now that there will be conse-quences. Plagues, locust and stuff. Jesus was born,bred, and crucified American, and he’ll be kickingsome Bollywood-dancing ass for damned sure soonas he hears about this.”

This reaction was typical of many Americans, andprompted a number of impassioned pleas to God.However, both God and Jesus refused to comment onthe new policy (the holy ghost was conspicuouslyabsent, especially given that He has recently belinked to Oxycontin abuse). Archangel Gabriel, theofficial Messenger of God-Jesus, did provide a state-

ment on their behalf. “Theson of God himself didauthorize this move to helpreduce the strain on hislordship’s already busyschedule. While the ‘BigThree’ remain dedicated toproviding their flock withthe best in spiritual salva-tion at the lowest cost,

recent instabilities in the empyrean economy hasmade it necessary to downsize our angel prayeranswering division and outsource much of our serv-ice to Bangalore.”

Shareholders in Christianity have been discussingnew saviours if Jesus is ultimately discredited forauthorizing the outsourcing. At the top of the list isTom Reilly, followed by Arnold Schwarzenegger andthen that hot redhead from the Pussycat Dolls. Onlytime will tell what will happen to Christianity, but wecan be sure that who ever assumes the helm willhate both gays and Jews with thePassion of Christ.



RELIGION

Jesus Outsources Prayer-Answering to India

Oy, it’s hard to find good,cheap, Aramaic speakinghelp these days.



TEATOWN, NY - Not since Fraggles were found inthe salad bar at a lower Manhattan Wendy's hasthere been such an uproar in the food industry.Snapple beverage company announced onWednesday that it had received and was in theprocess of investigating numerous reports that indi-viduals on the west coast had found live or slightlyinjured Snorks in bottles of SnappleLemon Tea and Snapple Diet KiwiStrawberry.

According to Phineas Gage Lincoln,former director of quality control atSnapple, it is not uncommon forstrange and exciting animals to occa-sionally make their way into thewater supply at the Snapple factory.“One time we found a womprat float-ing in the lemonade tank. Boy did itstink!” Lincoln observed, “Anothertime I saw a gummy bear in theparking lot. Near a dumpster. Hewas covered in fur, and then he drankfrom a little flask that looked like raspberry Snappleand jumped over the building in a single bound.”

One of the individuals who claims to have found aSnork in their delicious (and refreshing) Snapplebrand beverage spoketo a reporter for thispublication by phone.The shock and awe waspalpable in her voice.“I opened up theSnapple, and this littleperson thingy poppedout - he had a lot ofenergy, which, likemakes hella sense,right? Because he hadbeen like drinking all ofthe ice tea, and it was-n't diet. Like half thebottle was gone. And I was like, whoa! that's aSnork!”

While Snorks were previously thought to be involvedin a number of food tampering incidents (as well asfor the sinking of the USS Maine and the Kon-Tikiraft) most evolutionary biologists maintain that thelast known surviving Snork community wasdestroyed sometime in the late 1970's. HoweverSCUBA divers and dolphins have continued to report

occasional sightings over the last twodecades.

In an early morning press conferencefamed Harvard professor E.O. Wilsoncommented that “… it makes a lot ofsense, really, Snapple and Snork aregenetically-phonetically linked.”Wilson also added that despite thelong held claims of extinction, basedlargely on the unrelated and coinci-dental cancellation of a children's tel-evision show, in fact, at least 20% ofthe world's biodiversity, and at least$2.6 trillion in its economic ecologicalfootprint was likely in Snorks. Wilson

further hinted that since the total number of individ-ual Snork species on the globe was literally “beyondcalculation,” it's no wonder that a few of “nature'sfavorite Darwinian Snorkels” would end up in yourdrink. “I like to think of them as a bonus,” conclud-

ed Wilson, “or at least some sort of adrinking straw”, the Harvard professoradmitted, enjoying his delectable sugarybrand name liquid in an unconventionalway.

There is no word yet as to when orwhether Snapple will voluntarily recallbottles of their delicious (and refreshing)beverage from other states, but the NewYork Times has received reports fromstores in Washington state, Oregon, andCalifornia claiming that many bottles ofSnapple seem to have been mysteriouslyremoving themselves. As a result,

Snapple has arranged for CSI: Miami to be broughtout to investigate.



PUBLIC HEALTH

Snorks Found in Snapple, BeverageCompany Considers Partial Recall

Just from watching the cartoon, itmight be difficult to gauge the exactsize of an average Snork, but empir-ical evidence suggests that typicalspecimens are approximatelySnapple bottle sized.

Cambridge, MA - In a movethat has sent shock wavesthrough Harvard's academiccommunity, legendary ento-mologist Edward Wilson hasdeclared his relationship withants to be officially over, OEBdepartmental sources con-firmed Tuesday. “I am sickand tired of those goddamnedlittle things,” he wrote in amemo posted Saturday on theOEB departmental website.

“Edward has decided that the time is ripe to move onto bigger and better opportunities, and for the fore-seeable future will sever his ties with the greater antcommunity,” said departmental spokesman DonaldBaylor during an hour long press conference in theMuseum of Natural History.“From now on, ProfessorEmeritus Wilson intends tospend his time studying the for-aging patterns of elephants -from a safe distance, he assuresus,” he said.

Sources close to Wilson, whodeclined to be identified, saidthat they could sympathize withhis decision, noting that his antcareer has lasted decades. “Edjust can't bear the thought ofeven another minute studyingthose little bugs,” said one col-league at Berkeley. “And whocan blame him? They work tire-lessly for no reward, they canbarely see, and let's not forget that they are tiny ashell. They run around carrying grubs for God'ssake.”

Wilson caused a stir earlier this year when he attend-ed the National Conference on Elephant Anatomy,and proceeded to ask panelists where they were hid-ing the elephants' other pair of legs. According toconference sources, he then demanded to know“what that thingamabob attached to the elephant'smouthparts” was doing there. But Wilson reservedhis harshest criticism for the panelists' denial thatelephant feet were evolutionary adaptations specifi-cally “for crushing as many ants as possible.”

Although the announcement may come as a surpriseto most of his colleagues, there were warning signsthat Wilson might be fed up with his ant research,according to Stanford University professor DeborahGordon. Early in 2004 during an ant conference, sherecalls that he interrupted the conference proceed-ings to curse every known species of ant, and theirprogeny unto the third generation. “His eyes wide,he shouted out his innumerable complaints aboutants, about how they make his skin crawl, and hisnose itch, and how it stings when fire ants bite, andhow his sandwich was devoured by a horde of 'theselittle monsters' only hours earlier,” said Gordon.

“I had to throw myself in front of our demonstrationcolony to prevent Edward - insensitive, intolerant,Southern, and brandishing insecticide - from eradi-cating my precious little darlings,” said Gordon'sgraduate student Jessica Shors. When Wilson

attempted to use his shoes anda loaded M-16 to smash theants, security intervened, shesaid.

Students in Harvard's OEBdepartment had noticed erraticbehavior as well. “Suddenly, heseemed to have taken to walk-ing anteaters on leashes early inthe morning,” noted third yeargraduate student Angie Berg,who said that she regularlypassed him on the way to work.And at the 2005 departmentalChristmas party, he brought nothis usual fare, but instead baked“ant cookies, ant brownies, antbrittles, and ant popsicles,”

according to Matt Hegreness, a graduate student inthe Hartl laboratory.

News of Wilson's departure from ant entomologycomes on the heels of his recent disclosure that hehad an improper relationship with a subordinate har-vester ant on his research team during the summerof 2001. Wilson, who maintains that his relationshipwith the ant was “consensual,” was not immediatelyavailable for comment.

Upon release of Wilson's announcement, ant stocksfell 0.8% on the New York StockExchange.



BIOLOGY

E.O. Wilson Sick and Tired of Ants

E.O. Wilson

Darlington, S.C - Elber Fortenberry appears like anunlikely progressive. Standing amidst the dugout ofthe Darlington Raceway, one of several southerntracks in the Busch NASCAR series, he ostensibly fitsright in with the majority of the tobacco-chewing, 'fearthe mullet'-hat-wearing, confederate-flag-bearingcrowd: On a patch of concrete here he's made a pieda terre of sorts for the afternoon, complete with a fold-ing chair, table, grill, beer cuzies, coolers, wieners,burgers, slaw, biscuits, gravy, and chips. “Gotta lovethese suckers,” says Fortenberry, sipping on a MillerHigh Life between mouthfuls of Pringles, “Damn true:Once you pop, you ain't gonna stop.” A Rusty Wallace#2 shirt, with silk-screened advertisements for Snap-On Tools and Sherwin Williams, hangs in his handwhile he, shirtless and pale, squints at the sun.“Shoot, it's a hell of a day. Makes a man wanna hangaround the cracker barrel a bit more and forget work.”He takes a last, long draught from his beer, some ofwhich soaks his great, bushy goatee. “Alright,” hesays, “Let's skedaddle.”

We walk to a makeshift encamp-ment just across the dugout.Fortenberry waves to a couple ofguys setting up a tent here. “MiAmigos,” he indicates. When thetent is up and sturdy, Elber'shelpers set to taking thousandsof pamphlets out of small, card-board boxes. With the pam-phlets positioned on their tent'sfront table, a white, plastic patiopiece with streaks of dried mudon it, the team has a veritablekiosk and are nearly ready forbusiness. “Just a tadpole more,”Elber winks. His friends take a large, vinyl banner outof a flatbed near the area and hang it from the kiosk'suprights. “S.H.I.T.E.” it reads in green, hand-paintedlettering. Fortenberry explains, “Stockcar HomebodiesInterested in Tendin' to the Environment.” Minutespass, and the tent sees little action. A couple of kidsplaying football accidentally throw their pigskin intothe kiosk and knock over a couple of stacks of pam-phlets. “Hoodlums,” one of Elber's entourage intones,punting the football deep into the dugout. Momentslater a staggering man wanders to the kiosk askingabout where he can find a “Biffy”, and Elber points himto an apparently popular area just to our left.

In the lull of activity, Elber philosophizes, “You see, weain't that popular yet. NASCAR folks don't like change

that much. We hold hard to chief comforts, you see.It's liberty or death, they say, and for us liberty's notmuch more than apple pie, NASCAR, guns, trucks, andbarbeque. But I don't like where this country's headedone bit. Not an inch worm's worth. That's why I start-ed this here group.”

S.H.I.T.E. spawned from Fortenberry only recently,after a night out with his wife: “Nexxie told me shewanted to see this movie, The Inconvenient Truth.Said it was some documentary or somethin'. 'Hell,' Itold her, 'Last documentary I saw was that Super SizeMe deal. Damn near laughed myself clean at thatgood-ol'-boy-lookin'-Spurlock, stuffin' his face withthem fries and such. Shoot, maybe this'll be a laugh,too. Let's gitter done.'” Elber pauses impressively, asif pained for a link to the next thought. “Thing is, was-n't what I thought. Wasn't about no hairy-fool eatin' &throwin' up and all. It was more serious, like. All abouthow we're killin' the trees and nature and such with

our ways. Our consumption.Said we're shootin' off allthese puffs of smoke to theair and not even givin' acrap. All our cars and facto-ries, gettin' in there and cut-tin' up ozone. Makin' a messand killin' them krill fish inFinland and such. Meltin'salt pillars, too.”

Asked how the 45th Vice-President's film inspired hisS.H.I.T.E, Elber meditates,“Oh, hell yeah. Got methinkin' - and feelin' some,too. When I was a boy

grandpappy and me went catfishin' in a stream behindour trailer. Had us some good larks there. After themovie I'm thinkin', shoot, we keep doin' this and Iain't gonna be able t' take my pups' pups down the ol'stream.' If nothin's done, them catfish'll look like ver-min the size of mountain goats, you know? Either thator charred and dead. Just like them Finnish krill. So Isays to myself, Elber, you gotta do your part. You gottathrow S.H.I.T.E. right in people's faces.”

There are big plans for S.H.I.T.E., despite the opera-tion's current, modest scale. “Yeah, see, there's thisgrand scheme. First, got these here buddies on board.They like they're huntin' and don't wanna see Bambicroak no time soon. Anyhow, we're handin' out pam-phlets here, kinda subversive like, talkin' 'bout how



UPDATE ON THE ENVIRONMENT

NASCAR Fan Announces Plan to Savethe Environment

Fortenberry hanging out with his homebodies outsidethe S.H.I.T.E. tent

NASCAR could be a lil' greener. We're just floatin' ideasnow and getting' people on the bandwagon. Hope tobuild a grand coalition, you know. Maybe get themhigher-ups t' make some changes. So we're standin'with our S.H.I.T.E., right in the dugout. People laughand take a gander.”

Elber, who recently traded in his old Caterpillar steel-toes for Simple hemp clogs, smiles to passers by andhands out pamphlets. Most take them indifferently andlet them fall to the ground, new additions to thedugout ground's assortment of strewn bottles, wrap-pers, condoms, and greasy, used napkins. Someaccept the pamphlets interestedly after stopping tolook at the huge 'S.H.I.T.E.' sign, thepseudo-fecal ring of which Fortenberryclaims has a magnetizing effect on theNASCAR circuit's “down home, redstate folk”. The pamphlet Elber handsout is decidedly unscientific. Thoughits ideas stem primarily from Mr.Gore's recent, enviro-embracing,empirically-driven production, it failsto properly cite the increasingly signif-icant body of research detailing theeffects of human consumption on theEarth. Elber acknowledges this deficit,rationalizing, “People 'round here don'tcare much for that hogwash made by wizards in theirsoap towers. Country folk want simple answers tosimple problems.”

Which brings us to Fortenberry's solution to the cur-rent global warming policy dilemma: “Beer Fuel,”Fortenberry proposes, unabashedly. NASCAR, heargues, has a critical opportunity to take the moralhigh ground by using the suds con-sumed by traditional racing enthusi-asts to power its race cars.Theoretically, such consumptive alter-ation could lessen NASCAR's green-house gas emissions and Americandependence on foreign oil, seen bymany in Washington as a crucial factorin advancing in the war on terror. “It'spossible,” Elber claims, “The Frenchare makin' it outta bad wine. You gotscientists over in Idaho, Wyoming,and such makin' it outta switch grass.Them new fuels ain't releasing allthem dioxides and CFCs and such intothe ozone. They're not killin' it like gas does. So I say,'Let's kill two birds with one stone: Let's drink ourbooze and use leftovers for fuel.' What better way toget people revved-up for NASCAR than to drink samestuff's sittin' in them machine's fuel tanks? It'd be likecloser to God, you know? Like sippin' on the samestuff's next to Matt Kenseth's keister? Ain't no woman

I know gonna refuse that drink, let me tell you. Plus,ain't no way all that Natty Light, Genesee, and suchproduced each year's always bought. Swear I've seencases o' Schlitz sittin' in my pal's liquor store for atleast two decades. Just catchin' dust. Take it off theshelve, by golly, and get it runnin' cars. Help the wareffort and trees at the same time. Bam-Bam, youknow?”

Not all of Mr. Fortenberry's ideas sit well with tradi-tional NASCAR devotees. Within forty-five minutes ofwork, no less than a baker's dozen pass Elber, a self-proclaimed 'Folk Hero' around racing circles, and shoutvarious epithets including “Yankee”, “carpetbagger”,

“Tree Hugger”, “Ralph Nader”,“Granola Democrat”, and, per-haps most unpalatable, “KoalaF**k*r”. These taunts do notphase him, however. “Peopleget loony, but times change,”he says. When asked about theassumed strong correlationbetween NASCAR-Dad-ism andScorched-Earth-Republicanismand his group's potential tomuddy the proverbial water,Fortenberry remains dismis-sive, “Listen, I voted for Bush,

both times. Most of my friends did, too. But I says'pootch's hootch', though. I like tots. My friends likehome fries. That don't mean we don't all like taters,you know? People's people. I ain't here to cause hell.I'm here to spread a message.”

People gravitate toward and respond to the truth,Elber thinks. “It ain't a red state or blue state thing.

Some people here be shootin' theirmouths sayin' just 'cuz I'm talkin''bout savin' a little oil I'm gonna startsmokin' grass and questioning theSecond Amendment. Hell no. It's allabout the future and having streamswith big, healthy fish and clear, blueskies. Who wants skin cancer andfour-eyed buffalo? I mean, America'swhere the buffalo roam, right?”Though Elber currently has no criteriato gauge the success of his campaign,there are already hints of its progress.“Some people come up to me and say,'Elb, I think you got somethin' here.'

You believe me: It's in the air. The wind's are a turnin',and the moment people really get a whiff of myS.H.I.T.E., they're gonna beg for more.”



UPDATE ON THE ENVIRONMENT

“Lovin’ the environment is a lot like lovin’ tots.Way I see it, tots is the environment, sort of.” -E.F.

A prototype beer-fueled NASCARdesigned by Fortenberry

Since its inception in 1912, The GirlScouts of America have purported that“Girl Scouting builds girls of courage,confidence, and character, who makethe world a better place.” Despite itspopularity and overwhelming partici-pation, The girl scouts of America is

actually a malevolent nemesis that defames the reputationof our country's young girls and instead of building upproper character and esteem, it begins early teachingsmall children about segregation, dependence and con-formity, and provides them with a false sense of accom-plishment and belonging. Parents would do their childrenand the nation a favor by preventing their child from par-ticipating in the abominable organization.

They begin young. Girls as young as five are draftedthrough their friends and older siblings into a group thatimmediately segregates females and males. Unlike the BoyScouts that concentrate mainly on outdoor activities, girlscouts, called Daisies at this stage, concentrate onmore womanly roles such as crafts and selling cook-ies. This teaches girls not only that boys and girlsshould exist as separate and exclusive entities, butthat girls are obviously weaker and should concen-trate on building up a skill set that will allow them toserve their men when they are older.

Membership is open to “all” provided that familieshave the financial means to purchase uniforms, paydues, and pay for activities in which the troop par-ticipates. As members, the uniforms help to markthe distinction between them and the ordinary little

girls, who due to the inability tomeet any of the aforementionedpre-requisites will be shunned andexcluded from their activities. Thismandated uniformity helps teachyoung girls that consistency is prefer-able, and when in doubt, one shouldgravitate toward those who are likethem. Additionally, although the uni-form provides a sense of belonging forthose who bear it, this state is tenuous,

and it is one from which they can figuratively and literallybe stripped as soon as they are unable to pay their dues.

Girl scouts of all ages have the opportunity to earn badgesthat indicate to each other and to the world what specificskills they have accomplished. Among other badges ofmerit, girls can receive badges entitled: Ms. Fix It, SportsSampler, Water Play, Exploring Healthy Eating, and MakingHobbies. In all certainty, earning these badges leaves

each girl with a good sense of self-worth and accomplish-ment, but what really are these girls accomplishing?Nothing. A more suitable badge would be one at the endof each year that is called “Way to be a Normal, DevelopingHuman Being”. The badge system not only instills in younggirls the idea that they should and can be recognized foreach any every tiny little thing they do, but it makes themfeel like they are better than a) non-girl scouts who havenot received those badges, and b) their fellow 'sisters' whodid not choose to pursue those particular badges. Thissense of superiority contributes to the latent competitionfirst present in the young troop, and existing betweenthem and other women for the rest of their lives.

In addition to badges, all girl scouts have the opportunityparticipate in cookie sales. This seems to be less aboutteaching girls 'life lessons' and more about making moneyfor the troop and the national organization, however, theyoung girls 'take home' message should not be under-mined. Many solicitors that approach consumers in their

houses and in various shopping arenas areeither quickly dismissed, or met with hostilecriticism. Even as witnesses to this, GirlScouts are not deterred, for the ubiquitousGirl Scout cookie is greeted annually withenthusiasm and anticipation. Even if a con-sumer is not interested in buying boxed cook-ies at three times the cost of fresh bakerscookies, many are eager to please the cutelittle girls, so bright eyed and full of hope;dressed in their well known green and brownuniform. Due to the fact that consumers aresignificantly less eager to please other solici-tors working for other 'equally reputable'associations, one (girls scouts included) must

deduce that it is the mere appeal of them being a group ofcute little girls that attracts all the consumers. This deduc-tion paves the way to women who have a more coquettishnature as adults; for these girls have learned from experi-ence that they can use their physical appeal and reputa-tion to gain attention and favors from others.

As one can see, there are many qualities in Girl Scouts thatmake them an ostensibly worthy and valuable association.However, a closer glance at these 'qualities' reveals thatthey really contribute to poor self-esteem, and conformingand subservient women who have learned to follow stan-dards and guidelines previously set for them as opposed tothink for themselves and challenge themselves to meettheir individual full-potential.

And fuck them for not letting me into their stupid club.



OPINION

Are Girl Scouts Human?

By Elise Baldacci

“Hello Stranger”

Only $6.75 each.

#1. Name an enemy. Identify a group that is generally regarding as non-threatening, neutral, or non-controversial and make a convincing argumentthat describes that group as the 'enemy'. Don't hold back-- the goal of thisassignment is to dehumanize. Write your manifesto.

With the recent success of films suchas the de-Wonkafied 2005 remake of1971's Willy Wonka and the ChocolateFactory, Hollywood insiders now pre-dict that the timescale for remakes willsoon be decreasing rapidly. In thenext few years, expect to see gratu-itous and unnecessary remakes ofrecent classics like the 1984 hitGhostbusters, 1985's own Back to theFuture, and even the famed 1987 com-

edy, The Princess Bride.

“But it won't stop there,” explained Universal CEO BarryM. Meyer. “The recent past is a veritable cinematic gold

mine. Let's face it people. We've got to move beyondremakes of stupid, 35 year old psychedelic cult films thatare both remarkably inappropriate for children and capa-ble of frightening grown men such as myself. In that spir-it, this Christmas, we're remaking the shit out of a recentchampion of cinema. A high powered blockbuster and“Best Picture”TM winner to boot…and I'm not talking aboutBraveheart.” And as Meyer further noted, “There's adamned good chance that Russell Crowe will still be alive.”

As a little “teaser” for the film, Universal / Dreamworks /Scott Free Productions has released the back of DVD textin all its glory. HSP now brings this wonderful piece of filmhistory to you...



ENTERTAINMENT

Are You Not Entertained, Again?

By Max Imus

Some forest, soon-to-be-con-quered, Germanic Tribal Lands

Excuse me. Hold your horses,sheath your blades, and give mea god damned minute. I'm strate-gizing. Now, If you don't mind, Ishall now champion this crusadewith verve, gusto, and panacheas its unrealistically brave,wickedly brilliant, war-general. Inthe process, your respect for memust double, nay, it must becomeat least…at least, three timeslarger! After that, as I confidently

and effortlessly organize the well-executed battle from thevery front of the front lines, we shall be so devastatinglyvictorious that our enemies will each die a thousanddeaths (on average), trembling in fear at even the faintsound of our encroaching war-stallion's noble hoof steps.And don't forget, the lead general of our badly dressed,stereotypically bearded, Germanic-pagan bastard foes ismine. You will conveniently clear an arrow-free, non-spiky-ball-and-chain-swinging path of glory between us so wecan meet freely, and without delay, in a centrally locatedcircular clearing, ringed by the still-steaming bodies of thefallen.

Then with a sequence of painfully predictable fight moves,I shall first be slightly injured, blood drawn from, say, myleft forearm, as my arch-villain's poorly crafted demon-saber strikes first. Following this, as I nearly escape deathbetween five and seven times by blocking, ducking, rolling,or cleverly using an enemy carcass as a shield, I shallovercome insurmountable odds, shatter my nemesis'

sword with my battle-axe, wound him fatally with a lungpuncture from my trusted fighting lance, and summarilybehead him with a majestic parallel strike from my impec-cably sharp - and remarkably lightweight - twinbroadswords.

Then, as I triumphantly hold the detached, bloody, head ofmy bizzarro barbarian counterpart, reveling in the eerilyencompassing slow-mo and fitting-ly emotive, wonderfully composed,orchestral piece, you will knowonce and for all, and throughoutthe ages to come, that I alone (myfifty-thousand men aside), havelaid waste to hellish armies,brought a hard-fought peace to thistroubled, Wintery land, and willnow return peacefully to my familyfarm to plant crops, raise my sonas a strong - yet compassionate -warrior, and have fantastic sex withmy wife - provided, of course, thatI am not Shanghaied into a forcedpolitical execution/escape/exile by the soon-to-be-assassi-nated emperor's hell-bent, power-hungry, son as the firstmajor plot point.

But until then, tonight, in our makeshift camp of temporarywar-tents, we shall celebrate mightily with food, drink, andour fill of soon-to-be-delivered cartloads of opium andpleasure harems. Casually clean the blood from yourweapons with semi-damp cloth, keep the Roman ale flow-ing, and bring me your finest meats and cheeses! Nowdammit!

Back-of-DVD writerrumored shot in back-of-head.

“An Awesome CinematicAchievement. By far theBest Film Since 2000.”

- Gene Siskel, Elysium

Back of Gladiator (2006) DVD text (abridged…)



POINT / COUNTERPOINT

POINT / COUNTERPOINT

Pluto iz so a planetPluto iz so a planet,yo. You wanna tellmy 3rd grader andevery textbook in theworld that they gotsto redizzle the solarsizzle just cuz someold dudes and maybeone lady said so at ameeting in Prague?

That ain’t right. That’s just bad astrofizzo.

And besides, they just discovered Pluto has 2 newmoons! Now maybe I smoked a little too much hiz-zle dizzle back in the fizzle dizzle, but when you gotsas many moons as I got jzoints ready to go, you iz aplanet, fo shizzle.

So for reals now, Clyde Tombaugh spotted the thingback in nineteen thirty ‘fo or something. Fucking wit’old ass shit only means trouble. Grandfatha thamuthafucka in. That’s all I gots to say.

Pluto is clearly just the largest,brightest, closest, Kuiper beltobject, which accounts for itsearly detection. It lacks thegravitational radius to sweepout material intersecting itsown orbit, and it only holdsonto its atmosphere for a smallpart of its journey around thesun. If we included objects like

Pluto, which are merely large enough to becomespherical under their own gravity, then we wouldneed to add upwards of two hundred new objects tothe list of planets. In my professional opinion, thiswould rob the definition of the word “planet“ of mostof its explanatory power.

In some sense, all such definitions are arbitrary, andas scientists, we have to draw the line somewhere.We simply can’t let our own personal historical biasget in the way of much needed progressive advancesin astrophysical nomenclature.

No it’s not, Dogg

I will be theone to endpoverty

No, in fact, itis I who willend poverty

Snoop Dogg Eminem

Angelina Jolie Jeffrey Sachs

Angelina Jolie: I'm an extremelyhot Oscar Nominee.

Jeffrey Sachs: I'm an extremely intelligent economist.

A.J. I have personally hugged or posed in photos with over fifteen thousand actualpoor people in the last month alone.

J.S. I've dedicated a lifetime of aca-demic research to the topic and seriously, I'm thesmartest person I know.

A.J. I'm unbelievably hot. I inspire X-rated videogames and I even made pregnant look fuckable.

J.S. If you must know, my wife and I have a fantas-tic sex life.

A.J. At this rate, I will have adopt-ed all of Africa by next Thursday.

J.S. I'm literally, quite possiblythe smartest man alive. Ever.

A.J. I have help from Brad Pitt. Ifhe could end a relationship withJennifer Aniston, then he sure ashell can help me figure out how toend poverty.

J.S. With the financial success ofmy book, I'm ending poverty oneperson at a time. Also Bill Clintonowes me one hundred trillion dol-lars. That ought to be enough.

A.J. My book has way more poorpeople on its cover that yours.

J.S. The foreword to my book waswritten by Bono!

By I.M. Kleen - Graduate student Mark P.Terfelhowzer got the surprise if his life Mondaymorning while taking his biennial shower. Instead ofcoming out of the bathroom cleanand devoid of dirt, the 45 year oldcomparative literature studentemerged covered head to toe indark chocolate and melted vanillaice cream.

“What a moron,” noted roommateand long-time friend WeezelbyMontague, “This is worse than thetime he mistook Snausages brand nutritious dogtreats for Jimmy Dean healthy long-life inducingbreakfast patties!”

“Believe it nor this happens a lot,” Said Mortimer T.Dovewyle, Chairman and CEO of the DoveCorporation and 12th generation descendant of

Count Hezekiah Jethro Dovewyle The Fifth, the manwho started the Dove Corporation in a small hutbehind his castle in Normandy sometime in the mid-

dle of the 4th century BCE. The orig-inal Dove Corporation sold mostlymagic amulets, swords and very fewice cream bars.

“This was before freezers werearound,” explained Dovewyle, “Sothey had to have a serf stand nextto a block of ice holding a bag ofmilk. Believe me, you don't want to

know how they made the chocolate.”

“I suppose it could have been worse,” saidTerflhowzer, looking thoughtful, “Iguess I could have eaten a bar ofsoap.”



MINI NEWS

Grad Student Mistakes Dove Bar for Bar of Dove

Cambridge, MA - MIT electrical engineering profes-sor Dong Wong Chang used a quasi-random numbergenerator to assign semester grades to his under-graduate students, departmental sources confirmedMonday. Citing “the immense uncertainty that char-acterizes the learning process,” Chang defended hisuse of uniformly drawn random samples, which werethen converted into Gaussian-distributed coursegrades.

“What kind of random bullshit is this?”shouted exasperated MIT Junior JohnSchroeder upon learning that hisassigned grade, a “D-”, had absolutelyno correlation with his test perform-ance. “You can't just give us grades arbitrarily!” hefumed.

Freshman Katie Schmaltz, having been assigned an“A,” was much more supportive of the policy, andwas quick to remind her classmate that his chancesof being assigned such an “abysmally low grade”were, in fact, “vanishingly small.”

Shortly after news of Chang's methods became pub-lic, he was quickly added to the Harvard Collegeadmissions committee, where he will becharged with streamlining the under-graduate admissions process.

Stochastic Processes ProfessorAssigns Grades Stochastically



Spring 2007 Issue call for submissionsSend to [email protected] by March 5, 2007

www.fas.harvard.edu/~dudley/fellows/art/comedy.html

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