Waiting for Owlman

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    Waiting for Owlman

    by

    Jeff Michael & Thom Fox

    Jeff Michael & Thom Fox

    [email protected]

    [email protected]

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    (A warehouse. Light pours in from a

    skylight above. Centered under the

    skylight is a large crate.)

    (BIG and SEAN sit on small crates with

    their backs to the crate under the

    skylight. Sean has textbooks spread outon the floor and is scribbling in a

    notebook. Big holds a baseball bat and

    a crowbar before him.)

    BIGGIE

    Which one do you want?

    SEAN

    Im more of a bat man, myself.

    BIGGIE

    Hah, hah. Seriously, you dont want the bat, do you?

    SEAN

    Sure, if you dont mind.

    BIGGIE

    Well...

    SEAN

    What, you want the bat?

    BIGGIE

    Its just that I, well... I was kinda thinkin...

    SEAN

    We could flip for it.

    BIGGIE

    Yeah. Sure.

    (Biggie reaches into the pocket of his

    jumpsuit and pulls out a pair of

    batting gloves. He tosses them on the

    crate and fishes out a coin.)

    SEAN

    What are those?

    BIGGIE

    What?

    SEAN

    Are those batting gloves?

    BIGGIE

    Yeah. So?

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    2.

    SEAN

    Whered you get em?

    BIGGIE

    The mall. Got this, too.

    SEAN

    What? What? What is that?

    BIGGIE

    You never seen pine tar?

    SEAN

    You bought all that yourself? Jesus, Biggie! I suppose a

    helmet is next?

    BIGGIE

    No.

    SEAN

    You wearing cleats? You might need to steal second base

    later.

    BIGGIE

    Look Sean, I got seniority...

    SEAN

    You got the gloves.

    BIGGIE

    Here.

    (He offers Sean the crowbar.)

    SEAN

    I thought we were gonna flip for it.

    BIGGIE

    I got the gloves.

    SEAN

    I want heads.

    BIGGIEYoure always heads. I want heads.

    SEAN

    Youre flipping the coin. I get to call it.

    BIGGIE

    I just got the coin out. That doesnt mean Im flipping it.

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    3.

    SEAN

    Flip the coin, Biggie.

    BIGGIE

    How do we know which side is heads anymore? One sides got

    George Washington, the other side has... The old man of themountain.

    SEAN

    So, its Delawares state quarter.

    BIGGIE

    New Hampshire.

    SEAN

    Oh, excuse me. I guess you get the bat, since you have the

    quarter right there in front of you and can read the state

    right off of it.

    BIGGIE

    Okay then.

    SEAN

    I was kidding. Flip the coin.

    BIGGIE

    So what was heads?

    SEAN

    George Washington is always heads. That other thing is just a

    rock.

    BIGGIE

    Live free or die it says. Looks like a head.

    SEAN

    Flip it!

    (Biggie flips the coin.)

    BIGGIE

    Yeah! Rock it is! Live free or die!

    (Biggie tosses crowbar on the crate infront of Sean and puts on the gloves.)

    SEAN

    Whatever. Hell just take it away from you again anyway.

    (Pause.)

    BIGGIE

    I got pine tar.

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    4.

    SEAN

    Ohh. I see. So youre suggesting that the reason Owlman

    repeatedly takes the bat away from you and kicks your ass

    with it is because its slippery?

    BIGGIEMaybe.

    SEAN

    I think not. My contention is that Owlman takes the bat away

    from you and kicks your ass with it not because its

    slippery, but because hes Owlman, and youre... Biggie.

    BIGGIE

    And the reason you get your ass beat with the crowbar?

    SEAN

    It hurts your hands when you hit something with it.

    BIGGIE

    How would you know?

    SEAN

    Ive hit Owlman just as much as you have.

    BIGGIE

    Bull.

    SEAN

    Hey, when I worked for The Death Merchant, I hit Owlman lots

    of times. Thats why he never tangles with me now.

    BIGGIE

    He doesnt tangle with you, he kicks you in the face and

    walks away.

    SEAN

    He remembers me.

    BIGGIE

    Yeah?

    SEAN

    Oh yeah. He knows my name.

    BIGGIE

    Right. Sean OMeara, the most feared hygienist henchman in

    Stark City.

    SEAN

    Oh, I get my punches in on Owlman.

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    5.

    BIGGIE

    Yeah, well, well see when he gets here.

    (Both slowly look up to the skylight

    behind them.)

    (A beat.)

    SEAN

    Hes just gonna kick our asses again, anyway.

    BIGGIE

    Hes not so tough.

    SEAN

    Hes a super hero! Were lackeys! Hes gonna beat us. He

    always does.

    BIGGIEYou cant just quit. You need to keep your head in the game.

    Opportunities will come up, and you have to be there to jump

    on em. Tonight could be the night. Mr. Nefarious killed two

    of the Splendid Six.

    SEAN

    Biggie, we dont work for Mr. Nefarious. We work for Dr.

    Misfortune. Dr. Misfortune. I mean, dont get me wrong, hes

    a great boss, the benefits are great, pays okay, but Mr.

    Nefarious he aint.

    BIGGIE

    He gets his share of headlines. And after tonight...

    SEAN

    After tonight well be on crutches for a month.

    BIGGIE

    Did you ever think the reason we dont win is because of your

    attitude?

    SEAN

    The reason we dont win is because we dont fight as a team.

    We take turns.

    BIGGIE

    Were a one-two punch. You soften him up, get his fists all

    sore, and I come in with the baseball bat. Im the clean-up

    hitter.

    SEAN

    The truth is, wed have a way better chance if we ganged up

    on him. Both of us at once.

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    6.

    BIGGIE

    I dont think so. If we do that, he could take us both with

    the same gadget. You know, he could have a gas bomb in his

    utility belt or something. If one of us hangs back...

    SEANYou keep sayin that.

    BIGGIE

    What?

    SEAN

    You know what.

    BIGGIE

    Fine then.

    (Pause.)

    SEAN

    All right, Ill tell you what. You dont want to do it

    together.

    BIGGIE

    Say what?

    SEAN

    You wanna take him yourself. Youd rather fight him alone and

    lose than take him down with my help.

    BIGGIE

    Thats stupid.

    SEAN

    Yes it certainly is.

    BIGGIE

    Why would I wanna get my ass kicked?

    SEAN

    I think you honestly feel like you have a chance.

    BIGGIE

    And you dont? If thats your attitude, then why stay and doit?

    SEAN

    Why do you think Im studying to be a hygienist? My doctor

    said if I have any more concussions...

    BIGGIE

    Steve Young had twelve concussions.

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    7.

    SEAN

    He had a team behind him.

    BIGGIE

    So youre suggesting something?

    SEAN

    Im saying it. The bonus.

    BIGGIE

    Right. Of course. The bonus.

    SEAN

    Yes the bonus. You dont want to share it.

    BIGGIE

    We coulda got the bonus for the Mouse.

    SEANDont start on that. And its not the Mouse. Its just

    Mouse. Owlman and Mouse.

    BIGGIE

    The bonus for her is twenty five. Pretty good. Too bad.

    SEAN

    Yeah. Its too bad. Too bad that shes thirteen, and I didnt

    want to brain her with a steel crowbar. Too bad.

    BIGGIE

    Shes not thirteen.

    SEAN

    If shes not thirteen, shes twelve. Im supposed bash a kid?

    BIGGIE

    Shes eighteen if shes a day. Owlman wouldnt trust his back

    to a thirteen year old.

    SEAN

    What do you mean, trust his back? Hes always rescuing her.

    Shes probably his kid.

    BIGGIEMaybe...

    SEAN

    Now thats not cool.

    BIGGIE

    Hey, Ive been close to that costume. Girls got some thighs

    on her.

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    8.

    SEAN

    Oh, so I suppose you would...

    BIGGIE

    Hey. Im a married man. Ive got a daughter of my own.

    (Pause.)

    SEAN

    How is she?

    BIGGIE

    Shes good. Ever since this Mia Hamm thing, shes totally

    into soccer. But its cool. I dont mind it.

    SEAN

    Good, good. Whats she, fourth grade?

    BIGGIEFifth.

    SEAN

    So shes older than Mouse.

    BIGGIE

    Listen!

    SEAN

    You listen! I wouldnt have gotten written up if you wouldnt

    have told the boss everything that happened.

    BIGGIEI wasnt gonna lie.

    SEAN

    Oh, I see. Bank robbery, assault, its okay. But I draw the

    line at lying. And Im not asking you to lie, anyway. All you

    had to say was, She got away. Not She got away because

    Sean didnt want to club a twelve year old to death with a

    steel pin.

    BIGGIE

    So, one writeup. Big deal.

    SEAN

    Big deal? You know what happens after my next writeup? Some

    teamwork.

    BIGGIE

    Ah, were back to teamwork.

    SEAN

    Were still at no teamwork.

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    9.

    BIGGIE

    You know, technically, Im your superior.

    SEAN

    Technically? Technically shit. Youre a henchman. Im a

    henchman. No technically. Theres no head henchman. Theresno assistant henchman. No associate henchman. No lieutenant

    henchman. No shift supervisor, no kidnapping department

    coordinator, no Vice President of Owlman Luring and Assault

    Operations. You, me; thugs.

    BIGGIE

    Yeah, but...

    SEAN

    But what?

    BIGGIE

    I got the bat!

    SEAN

    I got the crowbar! Bring it!

    BIGGIE

    Wait a second.

    (Biggie gets a rag with pine tar on it

    and applies it to the bats handle.)

    (Dr. Misfortune enters.)

    DR. MISFORTUNEIs he here?

    (Biggie and Sean cast frantic glances

    up at the skylight.)

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    What are you doing? Youre supposed to be there, with your

    backs to the crate!

    (The henchmen return to their original

    positions at the crate.)

    BIGGIE

    Sorry about that, boss.

    SEAN

    Sorry, Dr. Misfortune.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Bitzeweitz, stay with the crate. OMeara, I need to talk to

    you over here.

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    10.

    (Sean crosses over to a small desk

    where Dr. Misfortune offers him a

    seat.)

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    This is the writeup for you to sign. It includes everythingwe talked about. Read it over if you like, and Ill need you

    to sign it.

    SEAN

    Yes sir.

    (reads)

    Sean OMeara failed to perform his assigned duties as

    specified in his employee contract under subsection D,

    sidekick killing, and has been issued an official

    reprimand...

    I cant believe I was supposed to kill her.

    DR. MISFORTUNEOMeara, youve really got to read your employee handbook.

    Under the bylaws, sidekicks of superheroes are the only ones

    we can kill outright. And when those opportunities come up,

    weve got to take advantage of them. I cant stress that

    point enough.

    SEAN

    (reading)

    Ninety days probation?!

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Listen, Sean, youre an asset to the organization. We want to

    keep you. But if I dont see some improvement in this area,Im afraid Ill have to cut off your finger.

    SEAN

    Ah, come on!

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Im sorry. My hands are tied on this one. Its in the

    handbook. You signed the acknowledgement that you read it.

    Now if you didnt read it, thats unfortunate, because you

    did sign the acknowledgement.

    SEANWhich finger?

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Second writeup is the pinky of your off hand. It could be

    worse. But it wont come to that, I know it. Youre gonna

    shape up. I have faith in you. Any other questions or

    concerns?

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    11.

    SEAN

    No sir.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Okay. Ill take the top copy, the pink one is yours. Now

    lets get that Owlman tonight! Let earn that bonus!(He crosses over to the crate

    under the skylight.)

    Any sign of him?

    BIGGIE

    No, boss.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Help me get the lid off this. Careful.

    (Misfortune and Biggie open the lid of

    the crate and peer inside.)

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Its looking good.

    BIGGIE

    That stuffll hold him?

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Long enough for you two to club him over the head, yes.

    BIGGIE

    Stuff smells funny.

    DR. MISFORTUNESomething does. Smells like pine tar. Hm. Lid.

    BIGGIE

    Here we go.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    This Styrofoam looks good. When he crashes through the

    skylight, he ought to crash right through that, too. Looks

    just like wood. Nice work on that, Sean.

    SEAN

    Thanks.

    BIGGIE

    I helped.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    And thanks for your help with the web site.

    SEAN

    No problem.

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    12.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    I never could get the hang of that html. Not all scientists

    are good with computers. Im the wrong kind of geek.

    BIGGIE

    BWAAHAAHAAHAA!

    (Pause.)

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Um, okay. So be vigilant. And stay in those seats. This is a

    trap, remember.

    BIGGIE

    Yes boss.

    SEAN

    Thank you, Dr. Misfortune.

    (Dr. Misfortune exits.)

    (Sean reads from his textbooks. Big

    drums his fingers on the box.)

    BIGGIE

    Hes late, huh?

    SEAN

    Mhh-hm.

    (Pause.)

    BIGGIE

    Hey.

    SEAN

    What?

    BIGGIE

    You reading?

    (Sean holds up his book and gestures to

    it.)

    BIGGIE

    Oh. Cause I didnt know if you were just pretending... you

    know, for the trap.

    SEAN

    I have a test tomorrow.

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    13.

    BIGGIE

    Hm.

    (Pause.)

    Hot in here, huh?

    (Pause.)

    These jumpsuits are kind of heavy.

    SEAN

    I have a test tomorrow.

    BIGGIE

    Right.

    (Pause.)

    Think this jumpsuit is a little tight around my gut?

    SEAN

    You better sit back down.

    BIGGIENeah. You think the pant legs are a little short? Are yours?

    SEAN

    I have. A test. Tomorrow. Me take. Test.

    BIGGIE

    Is it hard?

    SEAN

    Yes.

    BIGGIE

    Have you had your break? Youre supposed to have one every...

    SEAN

    (over)

    ...Every four hours, yes.

    BIGGIE

    Man these uniforms.

    SEAN

    Were back to uniforms.

    BIGGIEHow was the dress code when you worked for the death

    Merchant? You guys have to crease your sleeves over there?

    ... Sean?

    SEAN

    Molar, impactor, canine, wisdom. The nine symptoms of

    gingivitis are...

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    14.

    BIGGIE

    At least we dont work for the Gnome.

    SEAN

    Bleeding gums...

    BIGGIE

    Those little pointy shoes he makes those guys wear.

    SEAN

    Chronic halitosis...

    BIGGIE

    And the green jerkins. Heh. Jerkins.

    (Pause.)

    SEAN

    ITS THE HATS!!! The red pointy hats!

    BIGGIE

    Yeah, the hats!

    SEAN

    They have no credibility. Its like a fourth grade Christmas

    pageant. You think Owlman is scared of those hats? How do

    they hold up a bank in hats like that? Attack of the cone-

    heads! They walk in, the tellers think its road

    construction.

    BIGGIE

    Oh man. Yeah. Those hats. Poor bastards. See, arent you gladyou work for Dr. Misfortune?

    SEAN

    Oh! Here he comes!

    (Biggie leaps to sit in his chair.)

    SEAN

    Psyche!

    BIGGIE

    Hmmph. Hey. You want a Coke?

    SEAN

    Sure.

    BIGGIE

    I got some in the cooler.

    SEAN

    Har. Har.

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    15.

    BIGGIE

    Get me one too, would ya?

    (Pause)

    What? I bought em.

    (Pause.)

    Ah, hell.

    (Biggie stands and crosses to the

    cooler. He opens a Coke and also puts a

    heavy donut on his bat.)

    SEAN

    You call that a swing?

    BIGGIE

    What?

    SEAN

    Bleeding gums...

    BIGGIE

    My high school team went to State.

    SEAN

    You get a letter for being equipment manager?

    BIGGIE

    I hit .380.

    SEAN

    Not swingin like that you didnt. Here . . . Ill give it

    back. I promise.

    BIGGIE

    You promise?

    SEAN

    For gods sake.

    BIGGIE

    Allright. All right. I gotta see the... the... the tooth

    nurse take a swing.

    (Biggie sits.)

    SEAN

    See, you gotta keep your elbow high and make your step in--

    BIGGIE

    BOSSS! BOSSS!

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    16.

    (MORE)

    (Sean, caught off guard, looks around

    frantically before bolting back to his

    seat. He dives into place just as Dr.

    Misfortune rushes in.)

    DR. MISFORTUNEWhat? Whats going on?

    BIGGIE

    Um. I thought I heard Owlman.

    (Pause.)

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    You wont hear Owlman. You will be taken by surprise, with

    your back to the skylight, which will shatter, showering you

    with bits of broken glass. Then he will land on that crate,

    go right through the false lid, and be ensnared in the vat.

    BIGGIE

    In the goo.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    In the goo, yes. Then you will club him with the... I see

    Sean has the baseball bat, so you will brain him with the

    crowbar.

    BIGGIE

    But I had the bat...

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Must I be the kind of villain who has repeat his plan adnauseam? Cant I count on you to listen the first time?

    BIGGIE

    Sorry, but I just had the...

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    The whole plan depends on this. I have to have Owlman here,

    tied to a chair, or the whole thing is pointless. What were

    talking about here is synergy between science and art. Were

    doing bold new things in the field of costumed crime. But

    this delicate process is meaningless without someone who can

    fully appreciate it. No offense. It has to be Owlman. Hesnot my enemy because I want him dead, hes my enemy because

    hes my intellectual equal. If I wanted him dead, I could

    hire a long-range sniper anytime and have him picked off. The

    Owlmobile is kind of hard to miss prowling the streets of

    Stark City. But the point is to get him here, tied to the

    chair, and reveal my plan to him. And when I do that,

    therell be fear in his eyes. Which is gratifying. But behind

    that fear will be respect. Fear. Respect. Bonded together

    like a chain of polymers, unbreakable.

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    17.

    DR. MISFORTUNE(CONT'D)

    (MORE)

    And just before I gas him and half the city to death, I will

    know that by God, finally, my genius has been recognized. And

    thats why I do this. And you two can be a part of it. You

    can facilitate the death of Owlman, for the organization. It

    will be us. Not the Death Merchant, not the Gnome, and

    certainly not that technology-stealing hack Mr. Nefarious.

    And you two will split the bonus. This is a very excitingopportunity for us. Please, stay focused. Any questions?

    BIGGIE

    What about the Mouse?

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Its not the Mouse. Its just Mouse. Owlman and Mouse. And

    if she shows up, you will kill her, because its in our

    charter, and its procedure, and because its part of the

    plan.

    BIGGIE

    But OMeara says shes thirteen.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    I have been battling Owlman and Mouse since 1952. I hardly

    think she could still be thirteen.

    (He crosses to exit.)

    Oh. Remember to take your breaks. You get ten minutes every

    four hours.

    (He exits.)

    BIGGIE

    Whoah.

    SEANYoure a dick.

    BIGGIE

    Hey!

    SEAN

    Ive got to study.

    (Pause.)

    BIGGIE

    Why do you suppose hes Owlman?

    SEAN

    What?

    BIGGIE

    Owlman. Owl man. Man owl. Man who is an owl. The hunter in

    the night. Wise old owl. Hoot owl. Barn owl. Who is Owlman?

    Who is the Mouse? I mean Mouse. Who is Mouse? And dont

    owls eat mice?

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    18.

    BIGGIE(CONT'D)

    (pause)

    Owlman. Who knows when evil is afoot? The wise owl knows.

    Because Owlman has eyes in the back of his head.

    SEAN

    Jiminy Freakin Christmas! Can you please shut the hole in

    your face for two minutes? Please?

    BIGGIE

    Sorry.

    SEAN

    He doesnt have eyes in the back of his head. Owls dont have

    eyes in the back of their head.

    BIGGIE

    But they can turn their head all the--

    SEAN

    And he doesnt have the powers of an owl! Hes just a guy inan owl suit! With gadgets. And hes wise. Wise.

    BIGGIE

    And he works at night.

    SEAN

    Yesss. Yes. He works at night. Yes. Hence, Owlman.

    (Pause.)

    BIGGIE

    Im not so sure about the eyes. He knew when I was sneakin

    up behind him, and he...

    SEAN

    He took the bat away from you and he kicked your ass with it.

    (Pause. Big starts applying pine tar to

    the crowbar.)

    BIGGIE

    Sean, I didnt mean to get you in trouble. Sorry.

    SEAN

    Whatever.

    BIGGIE

    Tracys pregnant.

    (Pause.)

    SEAN

    Oh. Hey, congratulations.

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    19.

    BIGGIE

    Thanks.

    SEAN

    She gonna quit her job or...

    BIGGIE

    She already did. A while ago.

    SEAN

    Well, good luck.

    (pause)

    Zbigniev Bitzewietz, father of two.

    BIGGIE

    That dental hygienist stuff, that pay pretty good?

    SEAN

    You have to get the certificate first.

    BIGGIE

    Well yeah. Yeah. You gotta have your hands in peoples mouths

    all day.

    SEAN

    Yeah. But hey, you know. Better than gettin your ass kicked.

    BIGGIE

    I used to sell TVs at Best Buy for seven fifty. Now we get

    eighteen and a half to steal some chemicals, push around

    barrels of poison gas, mix up vats of goo- hell, Ill wear a

    jumpsuit and get beat up once in a while.

    SEAN

    Eighteen fifty. Huh.

    BIGGIE

    What?

    SEAN

    Nothing.

    BIGGIE

    He doesnt pay you eighteen fifty?

    SEAN

    No. No he doesnt.

    BIGGIE

    Oh. Doesnt matter. Im movin up after tonight anyway.

    SEAN

    Zat so?

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    20.

    BIGGIE

    Well yeah.

    SEAN

    With Dr. Misfortune? You think?

    BIGGIE

    Ah no. I mean, for a while. But I got a family to feed. You

    know. And one of the henchmen who took out Owlman. Thats

    management potential. Ill have options.

    SEAN

    Oh options. Sure. Options. What kind of options would those

    be? Ad in Soldier of Fortune? Doin some freelance?

    BIGGIE

    Yeah, may be.

    SEANYeah, okay, Biggie. But keep your night job.

    BIGGIE

    The guy who takes out Owlman will be a star! I could do

    anything I want. Get my own outfit.

    SEAN

    Whoah, whoah whoah whoah. Let me get this straight. Zbigniev,

    Bitzeweitz, leader of men. Criminal Mastermind!

    BIGGIE

    Well Im not gonna go by my real name. Nobody goes by their

    real name.

    SEAN

    Oh ho! So what is this fearful moniker that will strike

    terror in the hearts of champions?

    BIGGIE

    Kickin around a few ideas.

    SEAN

    Lets hear it.

    BIGGIEWell, I like Dr. Manslaughter. You know, first degree.

    SEAN

    Yes! Thankyou god!

    BIGGIE

    Hey!

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    21.

    SEAN

    Ah, Ah, oh, let me get my breath. Hold on-- Ah yeah. Yeah.

    Okay. Now, traditionally when one is addressed with the title

    doctor that person has either attained accreditation to

    practice the medical arts, or obtained a doctor of philosophy

    degree in their chosen field. To wit, Bitzeweitz: Dr.Misfortune. While, he has not obtained said degree in the

    field of bad luck yet, he does hold doctoral degrees in the

    fields of biochemistry and pharmacology. This phenomena is

    further evidenced by one Dr. Dread, who has a Ph.D. in

    parapsychology. All of the Dr. villains are likewise degreed.

    BIGGIE

    Dr. Chimera.

    SEAN

    No. Oh no. Him too. He has a Ph.D. in Mythology and folklore

    from Ohio State.

    BIGGIE

    Dr. Crack?

    SEAN

    Chiropractor.

    BIGGIE

    Well it doesnt have to be Dr. Manslaughter. That was just

    one idea. How about Professor Pain?

    SEAN

    Ah, my poor dear pupil. Its the same principle. To be a

    professor you at least have to have a Masters degree. Take,for example, Mr. Nefarious. No degree. Thus, Mr.

    BIGGIE

    So... Mr. Pain?

    SEAN

    Mr. Pain is a pro-wrestler. No, I think your sobriquet

    demands an action verb.

    BIGGIE

    Yeah. Like... Um... run, drive, fish, swim--Mr. Punch!

    SEAN

    Yeah, yeah, and your sidekick Kool-Aid. No not like Mr.

    Punch. Like just, The Puncher. But better than that.

    BIGGIE

    Ohhh. Yeah. Yeah. The Basher. The Smasher. The... the... car

    crasher.

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    22.

    SEAN

    Think polysyllabic.

    (Pause.)

    You know, the Eradicator. The Annihilator.

    BIGGIEThe Slugger! Thats what it is. The Slugger!

    SEAN

    Yeah. Thats great. Now if only you had a bat.

    (Pause.)

    BIGGIE

    You Sword swallowing Mother--

    SEAN

    Aht! Now! The handbook. Section 3, Henchman comportment. Page

    18. No words forbidden by the comics code authority will bespoken by any henchman in public while in the employ of Dr.

    Misfortune or his affiliates.

    BIGGIE

    Hmmph.

    SEAN

    Wouldnt want you to get written up. Now then, while were on

    the subject of your imminent advancement, just what is the

    M.O. of The Slugger? I suppose costume-wise something

    vaguely baseball themed would be appropriate. So what would

    your caper be?

    BIGGIE

    Im not gonna wear one.

    SEAN

    No, no, I mean... oh.

    BIGGIE

    I dont have a caper. Because thats gay. I have a plan.

    SEAN

    Okay, and what is it? Poison the beer in General Admission at

    the world series?

    BIGGIE

    No. Id... Id kidnap George Steinbrenner.

    SEAN

    No one would pay the ransom.

    BIGGIE

    Ted Turner--no wait. Cal Ripken Jr.

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    23.

    SEAN

    So you kidnap Cal Ripken Jr. Fiendishly clever. And you

    demand...

    BIGGIE

    A ban on inter-league play! And revenue sharing. Protectionfor the small market teams.

    SEAN

    This is a villain were talking about here, right?

    BIGGIE

    Hey, kidnapping is a federal offense.

    SEAN

    Well. Your dream will never come true if Owlman doesnt show

    up and fall into our trap.

    (They look at each other and cross backto their seats at the crate.)

    BIGGIE

    Where is he?

    SEAN

    Maybe hes tied up.

    BIGGIE

    You mean, like Mr. Nefarious...?

    SEAN

    No, not that kind of tied up. Just busy. Who knows? Maybelogging has threatened his habitat.

    (Biggie chuckles, Sean sighs.)

    BIGGIE

    Hes probably working out.

    SEAN

    No doubt. The pecs on that guy...

    BIGGIE

    Abs! How do you get abs like that?

    SEAN

    Maybe theyre fake, you know, like its a rubber suit or

    something.

    BIGGIE

    That would be gay.

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    24.

    SEAN

    Who says he isnt?

    BIGGIE

    Come on. Owlman? And Mouse?

    SEAN

    Shes thirteen! I dont care what Dr. M says.

    BIGGIE

    My little girls eleven. Thats not too far off.

    (sigh)

    Thank God for my family. If I didnt have a wife to come home

    to, Id be miserable. Workin a night job... And workin

    here, hell, where would I meet anyone? Most people meet each

    other through work.

    SEAN

    Yeah.

    BIGGIE

    But we dont meet any women through work. And if we did,

    theyd either be tryin to catch us, or theyd be our

    victims. Either way, they aint goin home with us.

    (pause)

    Thank God for Tracy.

    (pause)

    You seein anyone since that last girl, whats her name?

    SEAN

    Lisa.

    BIGGIE

    Lisa, right.

    SEAN

    No.

    BIGGIE

    Oh. You doin okay, though? You gettin out?

    SEAN

    Yes. Sometimes. I get out.

    BIGGIE

    Cool. You deserve it. Get out, meet a nice girl... You cant

    miss those opportunities...

    SEAN

    I know, I know.

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    25.

    BIGGIE

    Its too bad about that Lisa. But you know, if you love

    someone, you got to set them free.

    SEAN

    SHES THIRTEEN!!! Shes a kid! I let her go! I did it.Because Im not the kind of scumbag who brains a kid, a girl,

    with a crowbar! Im not hot for her. Shes thirteen.

    BIGGIE

    Whoah, whoah. Easy. Dont throw the bat. You chipped it, look

    at this.

    SEAN

    Keep the stupid bat.

    (Sean takes his seat and wipes pine tar

    from his hands.)

    (Dr. Misfortune rushes in.)

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    What is this? What is going on? Is it him?

    BIGGIE

    No, no. He hasnt shown.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Where is he? Hes an hour late. An hour. Late.

    SEAN

    Im sure hes...

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Did you leave all the clues?

    BIGGIE

    Yes sir, boss.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    You broke the mirror?

    BIGGIE

    I did it.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    And you left the open umbrella inside the chemical plant?

    SEAN

    That one was mine.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    And the black cat?

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    26.

    BIGGIE

    Commissioners doorstep. Did it personally.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    What about the three-leafed clovers?

    BIGGIE

    Yeah, what about the clovers?

    SEAN

    I put em every place you told me.

    BIGGIE

    You sure? I mean, Im sure you did, but I didnt see that. I

    know you did.

    SEAN

    You were there.

    BIGGIE

    But not when you did the clovers, cause I dont remember

    seeing them. But Im sure you were all over it.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    What do I have to do? Write a note? Get a billboard? Cant

    any of these heroes decipher clues anymore?

    SEAN

    You played it right, Dr. Misfortune. You dont wanna be too

    obvious.

    DR. MISFORTUNEApparently I cant be obvious enough! How do I get this mans

    attention?

    BIGGIE

    You got his attention. You know, hes just... busy.

    SEAN

    Im sure the Owl signal is up.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Im preparing to gas the city! He didnt get busy. Busy is

    fighting me, here. So dont tell me hes busy.

    BIGGIE

    So what if he doesnt, you know...

    SEAN

    You gonna go ahead and poison Stark City? Or what?

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    27.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    I have told you repeatedly that before anything else, I have

    to have Owlman here, in my clutches.

    BIGGIE

    So you can unmask him.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    You people have no idea what it takes to be a criminal

    mastermind. No, you dont unmask him! What possible purpose

    could that serve? Is that supposed to represent some kind of

    victory? To know his secret identity? Dont you see how that

    undoes all of my work? I dont want to know. So, what, I

    unmask him, and I find out hes what? A second-grade teacher?

    A mild-mannered reporter? A photographer for The Bugle? Or,

    ooh, how about this, a spoiled rich pretty boy millionaire.

    Thats great. Ive been thwarted dozens of times by Joe

    Schmoe the accountant! No! Ive been thwarted by Owlman.

    Owlman is my enemy, not the guy under that mask. Whoever elsehe is, I dont care. I want Owlman. Not the mailman.

    BIGGIE

    But you could, you know, find out where he lives and, I dont

    know, kill him?

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    In his home? What? He doesnt come to my house. Hes never

    gotten my wife up at two in the morning. He doesnt care

    about Dr. Bob Davison. He cares about Dr. Misfortune!

    (Pause.)

    SEAN

    What do you want us to do?

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    I dont know, look busy! Figure out a way to get that tight-

    wearing fruitloop here now!

    SEAN

    Just kill somebody. An old woman or something. Hell come.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Were about to gas half the city and he doesnt care. Whydoes he care about one old woman?

    BIGGIE

    Well, make it a woman he knows. Kill his mom.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    And I suppose well just ask him what nursing home he keeps

    her in? Besides, he obviously has no mother.

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    28.

    BIGGIE

    What?

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Hes clearly suffering from what I call a post-Lacanian

    separation trauma. I wrote my thesis on it. Owlman was raisedby a single male. Maybe an uncle, but more likely a non-

    relative. Maybe a servant.

    SEAN

    Ph.D.

    BIGGIE

    Well I say we just kidnap his sidekick again. Hope she

    doesnt get away.

    SEAN

    You can SUCK MY BIG HAIRY BEANBAG!

    BIGGIE

    Handbook section three on henchman comportment--

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Thankyou, thank you, for reminding so vividly why I do the

    thinking around here. Your suggestions are noted. Now. Get

    back on those chairs. Do not even so much as glance at that

    sky light. And dont let me hear another peep! Hes coming

    any minute. Hes coming.

    (Misfortune exits. Long pause.)

    BIGGIEYou think hes coming?

    (Pause)

    SEAN

    If he doesnt come...

    BIGGIE

    Hes coming. Why wouldnt he?

    SEAN

    Well... He has... um...

    BIGGIE

    Yeah. See? Hes coming.

    SEAN

    But if he doesnt?

    BIGGIE

    What?

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    29.

    SEAN

    Than what are we?

    BIGGIE

    Well, were... Hes coming.

    SEAN

    We aint jack, thats what. We dont even rate.

    BIGGIE

    Hey. We work for Dr. Misfortune.

    SEAN

    Biggie. Were lackeys. He was never coming because of us

    anyway. If he isnt coming, its because the doctor isnt

    worth his time.

    BIGGIE

    No, now the Doctor, hes a genius.

    SEAN

    Hes a third rate villain with a lab coat for a costume. If

    he had a slick suit like Mr. Nefarious... but no. He lacks

    imagination.

    BIGGIE

    He might lack in fashion, but...

    SEAN

    Man, hes a flunky. Hes going to gas the city and Owlman

    doesnt even think thats threatening enough to show up. Hes

    a flunky, Biggie. And were his flunkies. Were like benchwarmers in double-A ball, slugger.

    (The doctor enters. Pause.)

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Well guys...

    BIGGIE

    Theres tomorrow.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    No. Theres not. Tomorrow is Saturday the fourteenth. Im Dr.Misfortune. I do not carry out diabolical plots on Saturday

    the fourteenth. Im the Baron of Bad Luck. The Master of

    Mishap. The Titan of Tough breaks. So no. No. There is not

    tomorrow.

    (The sound of a bird is heard. Could be

    a coo, could be a who. Sean and

    Biggie freeze. Dr. M crouches in the

    shadows.)

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    30.

    (Silence. Forty-five agonizing

    seconds.)

    (Gradually, they stir.)

    SEANSo uh, Yeah. I got this test in the morning. Guess Ill

    should get on the road.

    BIGGIE

    Yeah. Me too. You know. Kids got a soccer game tomorrow,

    and...

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Sure. Sure. Dont forget to clock out. See you Monday.

    BIGGIE

    Yeah, I wont be in til four-thirty because I got that

    ultrasound, remember?

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Did you mark it in the Wish book?

    BIGGIE

    Yeah. Yeah, good night.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Night, fellas.

    SEAN

    Hey, have a nice weekend, Dr. Misfortune.

    DR. MISFORTUNE

    Thanks. Sean, hey, on your test... good luck.

    (Sean and Biggie exit. Dr. Misfortune

    sits in silence as the LIGHTS FADE.)

    THE END.