Communicating your stories: Strategies for helping students write powerful college essays

Rebecca Joseph, PhDrjoseph@calstatela.edufacebook: getmetocollege freeadviceFB page: All College EssaysiPad/iPhone App: All College Application Essays

Florisel’s Essay• The rain felt like needles pricking at my skin, causing me to wish I could have had an

extra layer of clothing. But what could have an extra layer of clothing done? Not much since further ahead it would have been damped and heavy. I always wished for marathons to be on cloudy and rainy days so the heat wouldn’t cause the runs to be harder. A year ago during the LA Marathon, I got more than I wished for. It poured heavily.

• But this time, I wasn’t running for myself; I was running with the four middle school students I had trained for the past eight months. I started off the race running alongside the coach and a student who wanted to be sure she would have a good pace to finish. Surprisingly, by the second mile, she had already started to speed up, and I asked her if she would like to run ahead. The enthusiastic look in her eyes shone through like a ray of light; she was hopeful that by running ahead she could beat the time people expected of her. As both of us continued on towards the fourth mile, the rain became heavier and the chilly wind grew fierce. The only way we could try to battle the cold and try to keep our bodies warm was to run faster and longer.

• •

Florisel’s Essay• Little by little we managed to run the magnificent “From the Stadium to the Sea”

course. It was my fourth time running the L.A. Marathon and second time running the course. To my benefit and disgrace knowing the path helped and hurt me--I knew how far we were from the finish line, the hills, streets, and places. That made the temptation to stop when I felt sleepy and exhausted great just like the temptation to run ahead when I had energy, but I was aware that my partner was going to need help and encouragement in those last and arduous miles. With her I was able to give back the support I received in my first marathon, and deep inside I was grateful for the opportunity.

• As we headed to Rodeo Drive a sudden rush of energy came over me. The view of the stores and their elegance made me remember that the marathon represented my struggle to achieve a better life for myself and the people I loved. I remembered that I had my family standing in the cold and harsh rain trying to stay dry under the umbrellas whose flaps were weak against that ocean wind.

Florisel’s Essay• Remembering all this carried me through when I hit the wall on mile 22. The

energy I had felt before was leaving my grasp. I felt that that was as far as I could go. My partner had become exhausted and our walking pace had become slower. We had met three other students who were struggling to continue, one of them was starting to get the chills, while another had cramps; it was at that moment that my real fear began. I was scared that they might collapse and that I wouldn’t be able to help them. All I could think of was to accommodate the pace to their needs without letting them give up on running at least a little.

• All five of us completed the 2011 Los Angeles Marathon on the rainiest and coldest day we ever experienced. My greatest accomplishment was to help students achieve the goals they thought impossible to complete. I learned that I have the strength and character to accomplish and succeed, and that though the road may not be easy, it is possible.

Essays = opportunity

Take control over the highest ranked non-academic aspect of the application

Realize the package of essays counts…not just oneShare their voiceExpress who they really areShow (not tell) stories that belong only to them and help them

jump off the pageChallenge stereotypesReflect on their growth and development, including

accomplishments and serviceSeek to understand what the admission officer is looking for

How important are the essays?

1. Grades2. Rigor of Coursework, School3. Test Scores4. Essays*5. Recommendations-Teacher and/or Counselor6. Activities-Sustained consistency, development,

leadership, and initiative7. Special skills, talents, awards, community service

and passions

What do admissions officers look for in essays?

ContextValuesIntellectual curiosity, a playful mind, or a sense of humorCommitment/Depth of InterestsInteraction with and/or perception by othersSpecial talents and qualities Realistic self-appraisal

Steps to success

1)Understand the essays you will have to write2)Create a master chart to highlight patterns3)Read successful sample essays4)Write a resume5)Brainstorm core qualities and unique stories6)Use the “Into, Through, and Beyond” method

Understand the essays…• The University of California Prompts• All applicants must respond to two essay prompts — the general prompt

and either the freshman or transfer prompt, depending on your status.• Responses to your two prompts must be a maximum of 1,000 words total.• Allocate the word count as you wish. If you choose to respond to one prompt at

greater length, we suggest your shorter answer be no less than 250 words.

• The essay prompts• 1. Freshman applicant prompt• Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school

— and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.• 2. Prompt for all applicants• Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience

that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Understand the essays…

1)The Common Application: New Prompts! One Long:

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Short, Activities, Additional Information, and Supplemental

2)Large Public Universities—The UCS, and other big publics3)Private College Specific Applications4)Other Systems (Universal Application, etc.)

Create a master chart: patterns

1)Major Deadlines and Needs (by application type)2)Core Essays (color code all similar or overlapping

essays)3)Supplemental Essays (color code similar types

i.e. “Why are you a good match for us?” or “How will you add to the diversity of our campus?”

Read sample essays and prompts

Essays that worked: Connecticut Collegehttp://www.conncoll.edu/admission/essays-that-worked.htm

University of Chicago, Elon, and Tufts have great additional essay prompts

Essays from other students in your programs

Write a resume

Academic: Current school, honors, AP courses, test scores (if strong), summer programs

Activities: Colleges look for consistency, development, leadership, and initiative. Describe the level of activity and any awards and honors received. Include leadership positions held.

Include Sports, Service, Volunteer Work, Jobs or

Employment, Internships as appropriate.

Core qualities and unique stories

Brainstorming Exercises:Write a letter to future roommateWrite a “Where I’m From” poem modeled

on George Lyon’s originalWrite three responses to the common

application short essay activities prompt

Letter to future roommate

Dear Roommate,I love making lists. A series of lists serve as decorations of my walls, lockers and notebooks—speckles of organization in a lifestyle characterized by organized chaos. One of my most recent list-making tasks began at two in the morning, with my trying to write about some part of my personality that I wanted to share. I began listing small things about myself, and found myself inspired to create a large list of tiny things that define many parts of who I am.The first one on the list goes without saying.I have problems falling asleep.The pronunciation and spelling of my names serves a conversation starter wherever I go.I move my lips when I anticipate other people talking.I have the ability to create and develop different fonts in my handwriting.The first things I look for in someone’s room are the books they keep.I've been sleeping with a 2-foot stuffed bear for nine years.All I want is to be able to buy a keychain with my name already on it.I've been told that I have a silly sense of humor.I have enough journals to fill an entire bookshelf.I love documentaries.One of my favorite words is “ubuntu,” which means humanity in Xhosa.When I was thirteen, I tried writing an autobiography comprised of poems.I am most compatible with people who I think are most like me.I feel like a four-star chef when I make salads.I'm an ENTJ.My favorite colors are coral and cerulean.If I could have any superpower, I would have the ability to be in two places at once. I eat ice cream with a fork.I’m obsessed with the game Bananagrams™.I drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth—just for the sour taste.Scary movies are the worst.

Letter to future roommate

Dear Roommate:

For a majority of my life, I have shared the same room with my two younger brothers, so I am confident you will become family in no time.  Based on my expertise, I have developed following guidelines to get us off to a smooth and sound freshmen year:

1.  All non-Dodgers posters will be removed at your expense, and Giants posters will be burned on your bed.2.  The use of anyone else’s toothbrush is frowned upon.3.  If you need to borrow my laptop, ask- don’t just take it.4.  If you need to borrow my underwear, don’t ask- just take it.

My fifth and most important recommendation is play whatever music you want.

Rock, religious, renaissance romantic, rap- whatever, I’ll listen to it.  In fact my friend from back home and I arrange rock and rap into mashups, so I can handle both. Even if the song you decide to play is just good, I know it can be great.  Maybe we’ll drop a beat, add some power chords, or back it up with a Disney soundtrack.  Don’t worry if our songs are completely different genres- the more diverse the tracks, the better the mashup. If you have an idea for something new, we can compose and perform it together.

I guarantee I will think that whatever you do with your time is awesome.  If you’re part of a book club and I’m part of an a cappella group, we’ll sing stories.  If I’m broadcasting on KZSU 90.1 and you’re a member of the Chinese Dance club, I’ll do play-by-play of your moves.

I would love to visit you wherever you live, and you’re welcome to visit me. I have lived in New York, Connecticut, Poland, Connecticut again, and Los Angeles, and I have visited over thirty countries.  That is, unless you fail to follow rule number one.

George lyon’s “Where I’m from”

Where I'm From

I am from clothespins, from Clorox and carbon-tetrachloride.

I am from the dirt under the back porch.(Black, glistening,

it tasted like beets.) I am from the forsythia bush

the Dutch elm whose long-gone limbs I remember

as if they were my own.

I'm from fudge and eyeglasses, from Imogene and Alafair.

I'm from the know-it-alls and the pass-it-ons,

from Perk up! and Pipe down! I'm from He restoreth my soul with a cottonball lamb

and ten verses I can say myself.

I'm from Artemus and Billie's Branch, fried corn and strong coffee.

From the finger my grandfather lost to the auger,

the eye my father shut to keep his sight.

Under my bed was a dress box spilling old pictures,

a sift of lost faces to drift beneath my dreams. I am from those moments-- snapped before I budded --

leaf-fall from the family tree.

Three responses to common application short essay promptList the activities you chose to describe

Write down the traits you believe you show explicitly or implicitly to a college

Examples: empathetic, resilient, determined, collaborative, creative, insightful, analytic, etc.

Which traits you listed or didn’t list might lead to a long essay? What topics might you write about?

Examples: Innovative….creating a peer mentoring program for a local elementary school; resilient…living in two worlds (urban neighborhood and elite private school)

Into, through, and beyond

Into• Lead the reader into the story• Start with a hook• Consider cutting first paragraph(s) from first draft

Through• Use 1/3, 2/3 method: if starting with a life or family challenge, move quickly into who student is now; if

writing about someone who influenced, make sure 2/3 of essay is about the student not the person of influence

• Use first person• Show don’t tell

Beyond• Connect to who student is now and who student wants to be• Evoke core qualities, convey morals

David’s Essay• The summer of my sophomore year I was selected out of 280 students by Upward

Bound to attend a National Student Leadership Congress Conference in Washington DC. During the conference I participated in many workshops and learned that just because we come from different cultures or a person is gay or lesbian you should not treat him or her differently or block him out. We are all different and have different ideas but what we all have one thing in common, change.

• Being given the keys of how to approach a problem and make change, I decided to focus on one injustice at my school. Entering my junior year many parents were given $60 tickets for dropping off students at Wilson High School because there was no proper location drop-off zone. I was determined to make a change to my school standing up for parents and create a formal passenger loading zone at my school.

• I first contacted a Los Angeles Community Safety Representative in charge of my district and told him how badly Wilson needed a passenger loading zone. Taking it a step further, I took the initiative to contact my Councilmember Jose Huizar and had a lengthy discussion with him about the situation. We met one on one; he encouraged me to continue being involved in improving my community. I initially did not get far in gaining any grounds with the passenger loading zone due to the bureaucracy and my age.

David’s Essay• I also felt the need to take a proactive approach, so I contacted our school

superintendent, explained and discussed how we can go about gaining a permit or the city’s permission. I quickly learned the process was a big a run around, at this point I was at the verge of breaking down, but I knew it was up to me. I had to prove to myself and these elected officials that failure was not an option, so I took the initiative to request an investigation through the City of Los Angeles. I was instructed to write a proposal and start a petition. From start to finish, after numerous phone calls, petitions, and meetings, it took approximately 10 months to finally install a Passenger Loading Zone.

• Fighting for justice, equality, and opportunity for a safe way to get to school has inspired me to enter the world of politics. Establishing networks to communicate well with others to accomplish in obtaining the loading zone has empowered me to seek change in my community. When I have an objective in mind, I stay focused until I can see it through and keep in mind that at the university level obstacles will be more complicated. Reflecting back I have learned about myself that I am passionate, determined, and have the dedication to make change. I am who I want to be. I have accepted the past and realized that there are specific things I cannot control. A lot of doors were shut in my face and numerous run arounds due to my age. But that did not discourage me bur rather just drove me to want to obtain the loading zone because I knew it was unjust.

Final thoughts

Students need to remember that they:

Can create amazing essays and control this process Have two to five minutes to grab the attention of an essay reader. Need weeks, not days, to write effective college essays. Must ultimately submit what pleases them. Cannot manufacture essays; essays convey truth, unique stories, and

writing skills.

Students need to remember that admission officers:

Can smell “enhanced” essays. Often say essays make or break an ultimate decision for students applying

to “match colleges.”

Contact us

Dr. Rebecca Joseph: rjoseph@calstatela.edu. She has an iPhone/iPad App-All College Application Essays that lists every major application essay students have to write.