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Concision

Understanding Concision

In both these sentences the characters and actions are matchedto the subjects and verbs:

1. In my personal opinion, it is necessary that we should notignore the opportunity to think over each and everysuggestion offered.

2. We should consider each suggestion.

But which sentence is clearer? Why?

Understanding Concision

In both these sentences the characters and actions are matchedto the subjects and verbs:

1. In my personal opinion, it is necessary that we should notignore the opportunity to think over each and everysuggestion offered.

2. X We should consider each suggestion.

Sentence 2 is concise.

Diagnosis & Revision

Five Principles:

1. Delete words that mean little or nothing.

2. Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words.

3. Delete words implied by other words.

4. Replace a phrase by a word.

5. Change negatives to affirmatives.

1. Delete meaningless words

Some words are verbal ticks:

kind of, actually, particular, really, certain, various,

virtually, individual, basically, generally, given, practically

Example:

• Productivity actually depends on certain factors thatbasically involve psychology more than any particulartechnology.

• X Productivity depends on psychology more than ontechnology.

2. Delete doubled words

Many paired words are redundant:

full and complete, hope and trust, any and all

true and accurate, each and every, basic and fundamental

hopes and desires, first and foremost, various and sundry

3. Delete what readers can infer

Redundant Modifiers:

Some common redundancies:

terrible tragedy, various different, free gift,

basic fundamentals, future plans, each individual,

final outcome, true facts, consensus of opinion

Example:

• Do not try to predict future events that will completelyrevolutionize society, because past history shows that it is thefinal outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises usmore.

• X Do not try to predict revolutionary events, because historyshows that the outcome of minor events surprises us more.


Redundant Categories:

Some general nouns often used redundantly:

large in size, round in shape, honest in character,

unusual in nature, of a strange type, area of mathematics,

of a bright color, at an early time, in a confused state

Example:

• During that period of time the membrane area became pinkin color and shiny in appearance.

• X During that period, the membrane became pink and shiny.

• The holes must be aligned in an accurate manner.

• X The holes must be aligned in an accurately.


Redundant Categories:

Some general nouns often used redundantly:

large in size, round in shape, honest in character,

unusual in nature, of a strange type, area of mathematics,

of a bright color, at an early time, in a confused state

Example:

• During that period of time the membrane area became pinkin color and shiny in appearance.

• X During that period, the membrane became pink and shiny.

• The holes must be aligned in an accurate manner.

• X The holes must be aligned in an accurately.


General Implications:

This kind of wordiness can be harder to spot because it can be sodiffuse:

Example:

• Imagine someone trying to learn the rules for playing thegame of chess.

• X Imagine learning the rules of chess.

Here we have streamlined the text as:

- learn =⇒ trying

- playing the game =⇒ rules

- chess is a game.

4. Replace a phrase with a word

• As you carefully read what you have written to improvewording and catch errors of spelling and punctuation, the tingto do before anything else is to see whether you could usesequences of subjects and verbs instead of the same ideasexpressed in nouns.

• X As you edit, first replace nominalization with clauses.

Five phrases have been compressed into five words:

carefully read what you have written → edit

the thing to do before anything else → first

use X instead of Y → replace

nouns instead of nouns → nominalizations

sequences of subjects and verbs → clauses

4. Replace a phrase with a word

Here are some common phrases to watch for:

• We must explain the reason for the delay in the meeting.

X We must explain why the meeting is delayed.

• Despite the fact that the data were checked, errors occurred.

X Even though the data were checked, errors occurred.

• In the event that you finish early, contact this office.

X If you finish early, contact this office.

• In a situation where a class closes, you may petition to get in.

X When a class closes, you may petition to get in.

• I want to say a few words concerning the matter of money.

X I want to say a few words about money.

5. Change negatives to affirmatives

• In the negative form you need an extra word and force youreader to perform some calculation.

• Example: Consider these two sentences:

Do not write in the negative −→ Write in the affirmative.

• You can rewrite many negatives:

not different → similar, not many → few

not different → similar, not the same → different

not often → rarely, not stop → continue

not notice → overlook, not include → omit

• Do not translate a negative into an affirmative if you want toemphasize the negative.


• You can baffle readers if you combine not with negative words

- Except when you have failed to submit applications without

documentation, benefits will not be denied.

- X You will receive benefits only if you submit your

documents.

- X To receive benefits, submit your documents.

• Completely baffle them when you combine explicitly andimplicitly negative words with passives and nominalizations:

- There should be no submission of payments without

notification of this office, unless the payment does not exceed

$100.

- Do not submit payments if you have not notified this office

unless you are paying less than $100.

- X If you pay more than $100, notify this office first.






documents.





$100.









documents.





$100.




A Particular Kind of Redundancy: Metadiscourse

Metadiscourse

Language that refers to the following:

• the writer’s intention: to sum up, candidly, I believe

• directions to the reader: note that, consider now, as you see

• the structure of the text: first, second, finally, therefore,however

Everything you write needs metadiscourse, but too much buriesyour ideas !

Metadiscourse






Example:

The last point I would like to make is that in regards tomen-women relationships, it is important to keep in mindthat the greatest changes have occurred in how theywork together.

Metadiscourse






Example:

The last point I would like to make is that in regards tomen-women relationships, it is important to keep in mindthat the greatest changes have occurred in how theywork together.

Metadiscourse






Example: (Prune away metadiscourse)

The greatest changes in men-women relationships haveoccurred in how they work together.

Metadiscourse






Example: (Now make sentence more direct)

Men and women have changed their relationships most inhow they work together.

Metadiscourse that Attributes your ideas to a source

• Avoid announcing that something has been observed, noticed,noted,...

• Just state the fact!

- High divorce rates have been observed to occur in areas that

have been determined to have low population density.

- X High divorce rates occur in areas with low population

density.

Metadiscourse that announces your topic

• The boldface phrases tell your reader what your sentence isabout.

• Readers catch the topic more easily if you reduce themeta-discourse

- This section introduces another problem, that of noise

pollution. The first thing to say about it is that noise

pollution exists not only....

- X Another problem is noise pollution. First, it exists not

only ....


• Look hard at a sentence opening with a metadiscourse subjectand verb that merely announces a topic:

- In this essay I will discuss the role of metaphor in style.

• Do you write that kind of sentence when you have no ideawhere you are going?

I have this topic and hope I eventually think ofsomething to say about it.


• Look hard at a sentence opening with a metadiscourse subjectand verb that merely announces a topic:

- In this essay I will discuss the role of metaphor in style.

• Do you write that kind of sentence when you have no ideawhere you are going?

I have this topic and hope I eventually think ofsomething to say about it.

Metadiscourse that hedges and intensifies

• One type of metadiscourse reflects the writer’s certainty aboutshe is claiming.

• This kind of metadiscourse has two flavors: hedges andintensifiers.

• Common Hedges;

Adverbs usually, often, sometimes, almost, virtually, possibly,

allegedly, arguably, perhaps, apparently, in some ways,

to a certain extent, somewhat, in some/certain respects

Adjectives most many, some, a certain number of

Verbs may, might, can, could, seem, tend, appear, suggest,

indicate


• Hedging can make your writing redundant andmealy-mouthed:

- There seems to be some evidence to suggest that certain

differences between Japanese and Western rhetoric could

derive from historical influences possibly traceable to Japan’s

cultural isolation and Europe’s history of cross-cultural

contacts.

• On the other hand only a fool would assert

- This evidence proves that Japanese and Western rhetorics

differ because of Japan’s cultural isolation and Europe’s history

of cross-cultural contacts.

• A happy medium

- X The evidence suggests that aspects of Japanese and

Western rhetoric differ because of Japan’s cultural isolation

and Europe’s history of cross-cultural contacts.







contacts.





• A happy medium










contacts.





• A happy medium





• Obviously even confident scientists hedge.

• You can use verbs like suggest and indicate.

• Just don’t over hedge !


• Common intensifiers:

Adverbs very, pretty, quite, rather, clearly, obviously,

undoubtedly, certainly, of course, indeed, inevitably,

invariably, always, literally

Adjectives key, central, crucial, basic, fundamental, major

Verbs show, prove, establish, as we know, it is obvious that,

it is clear that

• Most common intensifier is the absence of a hedge.

Quick Tip

• When most readers read a sentence that begins withsomething like

obviously, undoubtedly, it is clear that, there is noquestion that, ...

they reflexively think the opposite.