Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Chapter 11

Friendship

Based in feeling, reciprocity, choiceLess emotionally, intense than romanticHelp self-esteem, self-awareness, self-

respectFacilitate socialization in adulthood

Adult Friends

Stages (ABCDE) Acquaintanceship Buildup Continuation Deterioration Ending

A-B depends on similarity, communication, importance of relationship

E depends on availability of alternatives

Adult Friends

More friends in young adulthood than at any other time

Critical during adulthood as life satisfaction linked w/ quality of friends Help manage stress Linked w/ longevity

Adult Friends

3 broad themes underlay adult friends Affective component

Self-disclosure, intimacy, affection, support, trust, loyalty, commitment

Communal natureParticipate in supportive activities

SociabilityFriends are source of fun, recreation

Siblings As Friends

Important relationship for most Peaks during adolescence & late life At all times women place more importance

Gender Differences: Friends

Women Friendships based on intimacy, emotional

sharing, disclosure of personal matters More relationships than men

Men Friendships based on shared activities or

interests (e.g, sports) & competition Less intimacy & disclosure

Love

Sternberg Passion Intimacy Commitment

In a lasting love relationship Passion high early I & C low (but I rising fast) Passion fades, I stabilizes & C rises

Falling In Love

Assortative Mating Similarity predictions attraction

Only to a pointOnly for key, important dimensions

• Religion, sex, politics, physical appearance

Falling In LoveCompatibility leads to application of 3 filters

(Murstein) Stimulus

Appearance, social class, manners match?

ValuesValues match?

RoleIdeas about relationship, communication style

gender roles match

All YES = couple formation

Abusive Relationships

Continuum of aggression Verbal - physical - severe - murder Less severe common

25%-40% of relationships display less severe physical abuse (punching, slapping) occasionally

Severe less commonUsually long pattern of abuse of male partner

Abusive Relationships

Cause of abuse depends on type of abuse Verbal: need to control, jealousy, misuse of

power (all also impact more severe forms of abuse)

Physical: abused as child, alcohol, positive attitudes towards violence, aggressive temperament (all also impact more severe forms of abuse)

Severe/murder: personality disorder, emotional instability, poor self-esteem

Abusive Relationships

Cause also depends on gender Need for control, power, jealousy M > W

Culture key as well Cultures valuing female honor, passivity,

nurturing, loyal supporters of higher-status males more accepting of abuse

Lifestyle

Singlehood ~80% men 20-24 single ~70% women 20-24 single

Some career focused early in adulthood

More difficult for single women than menSocial pressure stronger on women to marryMen marry later

2x as many African Americans single in young adulthood

Singlehood

Never married women in 30s Acute distress & wish to be married OR Emotionally volatile OR Happy single

When does one decide to be single? Gradual process for most

Singlehood

Advantages & disadvantages Greater freedom More lonely

Men: higher mortality, alcoholism, suicide ratesWomen: more vulnerable to violent crime & extra

duties at work

Cohabitation

Dramatic increase in past 30 years Most are 25-44 (v. > 45 in 1970s)

3 primary reasons for cohabitationLimited: convenience ($, sexual access, no

commitment)Premarital: trial marriageSubstitute marriage: long-term commitment w/o

marriage

Cohabitation

Cultural differences abound Sweden: 99% of couples live together before

marriage & 25% unmarried China: cohabitation rare

Impacts on marital success Reduces marital satisfaction Increases risk of divorce

Gay & Lesbian Couples

In most ways they are similar to heterosexual couples

Some differences do emerge Less likely to argue about

Values, social-political issues

More likely to argue aboutTrust, former lovers

Gay & Lesbian Couples

Gender differences more key Men: separate sex & love, have more short

term relationships Women: connect sex w/ love, have fewer,

longer lasting relationships

Gay couples report less family support Legal system fails to recognize rights of gay

partners

Marriage

Median age increased in past 30 years Younger you marry higher risk of divorce

< 20 3x higher rate than 20s & 6x higher rate than 30s

Factors predicting marital success Identity Homogamy (similarity) Perceived equality (fair exchange)

Marital Happiness

Peaks & valleysGenerally happiest early & late

Drops during children Rises after children leave home

Best if dependence is equal for both partners

Keeping a Marriage Happy?

Make timeExpress loveBe there in times of needConstructive communicationShow interestConfideForgive, understand

Family Life Cycle

Having children bring benefits & problems Personal satisfaction/needs, etc Financial, personal sacrifices

Decision to have kids impacted by Fs

Having Children?

Feminine intrapsychic determinants Relationship w/ parents, flexibility, feminine

identification

Marriage determinants Stability, support satisfaction, stress

management

Having Children?

Career determinants Responsibility, satisfaction, change possible

Lifestyle determinants $, child-free relationship, comparison group

Parental RoleCurrently couples have fewer kids later

Older mothers more affectionate, sensitive Older fathers more invested, spends more time

w/ child

Being a parent very stressful New responsibilities Changes relationship (ALL about child) Worse for mother (especially is she works)

Men spend ~44% of the time raising kids v. moms

Single Parents

Mostly women due to Divorce Keeping child out of wedlock

Ethnic differences: 70% AA births out of wedlock

Impacts on parents Emotional difficulty Financial problems (worse for single mothers) Dating difficult (lonely)

Alternative Parenting

Gay couples raising children No negative impacts Some potential positives

Divorce

Divorce rate - 50% in US Highest in Russia, lowest in Netherlands Increased in developed countries recently

Changes in social norms, laws

Reasons cited by men & women for D Unhappy, infidelity, sexual problems

Men: alcohol abuse by self, women’s libWomen: alcohol abuse by spouse, physical abuse

Divorce

Factors impacting divorce Macro reasons

Social-cultural changes/values, gender roles

Demographics reasonsAge at marriage, parental divorce, cohabitation

Interpersonal reasonsInfidelity, violence, $, children, growing apart

Divorce

Impacts of divorce on couple Emotional problems (lasting)

Depressed, rejected, angry, disappointed, unhappy

Divorce hangoverUnable to let go and move on as single personPreoccupation predictor of poor adjustment

• Men: accept blame, move out, social life changed• Women: fewer remarriage, friends prospects, $ troubles

Divorce

Relationship w/ children 70% mothers regain custody after divorce Fathers become negligent rapidly Problems extend to divorce w/ adult children

Emotional difficulties & poor father relationship

Remarriage

Very common (W < M) Average wait is 4 years Increased change of divorce (even more w./. stepchildren)

Women benefit more than men