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The beginning

I woke up in a semi dark room with lights and bleeping sounds, in my mind

only seconds before I had been standing at the top of an outside fire escape;

it had been a good day I had spent with friends so where was I now?

The topic of conversation over a game of chess that evening had been our

favourite, where did the human race come from, were we left here by another

race of beings and deep cosmological questions, big bang theories and does

god exist or is she/he just a fictional character developed over the years to

make humans think that sins are there to be forgiven. (I know we are sad but

there you are we enjoy a good debate.)

I could only move my eyes at this point and my vision spun me around for a

few seconds before I could focus on anything and if I leaned to either side I

spun like a top. (This I now know was due to Occipital lobe damage.)

All I could see when I did stop spinning was tubes and lights, which I may

point out looked the size of fire hoses.

My mind started to wander and then it came to a hell of a conclusion. That’s it

I had been abducted by aliens. I can’t tell you the panic that I felt on realising

my dilemma then I started to struggle, suddenly I was surrounded by beings

then it went dark.

Well as you can guess I had not been abducted at all, but I had fallen from an

outside fire escape come entrance, which just happened to be an old metal

one god knows how many feet up and knocked myself out in the process. I

sustained a three quarter fracture to the skull and lost copious amounts of

spinal fluid, which probably did not help the old grey matter one bit as once

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When I next became aware of someone or something next to me I noticed

that I had hold of something that was over my mouth. I was trying to tug it

away, then whoever, (or whatever), was next to me was trying to restrain me,

I pulled at whatever it was, and then it went dark again.

I now know that I had been on a ventilator and had been giving staff at the

ICU a right old time, so they sedated me quite a lot in order to stop me from

pulling out pipes, drips and whatever else I could get my hands on.

I felt better the next time I woke as the ventilator had been removed, however

I still assumed that my theory was correct and was quite confused when

daylight came as nothing I had ever seen before was right there in front of me

and I still feel like it today two years on but on a much smaller scale. I still

suffer from vertigo even today but with some easy exercises it stops for a few

weeks.

I remember hearing other people’s voices, the familiar sounds of human

speech. I remember thinking that they too had been taken by aliens and even

more confused when my partner turned up to visit. In fact I was beginning to

think that everyone had a part to play in this abduction theory. Perhaps they

were cloned or brain washed. (Oh my God!)

Acceptance and trust, apart from a cool head, is something any one in this

situation must have, but how and when you are ready to accept what you are

being told and trust the right people is very hard and takes an incredible

amount of time patience and energy.

Imagine waking up in daylight to see your ex-partner walking towards you as

you lay in bed. You know (think) you have not been involved for two or three

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years. Then bit by bit nothing makes sense. In reality you are told that you

had spent at the most a week apart, most confusing and that seven years

together was more like it, not three at all .

The flood of questions in my mind echoed from ear to ear. Did the aliens

really get me? Are these people real? What planet am I on and how the hell

did I get here? And why the hell me of all people?

The question of why me only began to open up once I had been taken back

home. I had wandered about the house and found a computer. I was told

that it was mine and that I had bought it when I did my degree, to which I

asked, what bloody degree? I could not remember doing a degree. I found

weeks later that I could turn the computer on. I sat looking through files and

documents that I had no idea about. I opened some files and to my utter

surprise found that I had a degree in Psychology with Astronomy and space

science at Glamorgan University. (Wow… I wonder how I did that.) To my

amazement I was shown a video of my graduation in the year 2000. I sat

there agog, I was speechless and bewildered. The person wearing the cap

and gown looked like me, but was it really? I felt that it was not.

I could not believe my eyes. Even today I still wonder if these are false

memories planted in my head, but why that would have been done I really

have no idea. The weird thing is I feel homesick and I want to go home, but

where do I go? Do I really belong here on this strange world?

(Reading back over this work, as I am now, a year on I realise now that I am

stuck here. Not much has changed in the emotional department I still feel

homesick (12/1204) and nothing feels real. My feet and hands feel as if they

belong to someone else and so does my face somehow,

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Today it is not a question of what I see per se but of what I feel. I really do not

know if something is real because I do not get the feelings that it is. Forgive

the vagueness of my explanations but this is new to me also.

The nearest analogy that could illustrate this feeling is like living inside a video

game, anything could happen at any time weird monster machines lunge

toward me from out of a wall. Lucky for me, I have had my partner with me on

many occasions who has reassured me, for example, that the coke vender at

Gloucester Royal wishes me no harm and it is plugged into the wall socket so,

no it can not go running about after me.

One particular event at the hospital involved such a machine. We had been

to the Neurology department, on leaving we had to pass through a reception

area where a Coke machine stood at the end right by the exit, I had not

encountered it on the way in as it was behind me and out of view plus I had

not turned around.

On the way back out however things took a turn for the worse. Suddenly I

saw it. It seemed to be a swirling mass of colour with long trailing arms

flowing out toward me, and boy did I panic. Then, unable to move I froze to

the spot pointing and blubbering about some strange creature. Logic and

reason had vacated my brain and so I was half dragged half coaxed down

toward the beastie with the waving arms and swirling things, I felt awkward

and embarrassed to find out that it was in fact just a coke vendor. It had

taken sometime to be convinced and I was showing physical signs of anxiety I

was starting to hyperventilate and sweating to the point that my shirt was

stuck to my back. I was scared for my partner, myself and all the other people

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in the room. I had felt helpless and still remember the fear in me, however, I

have no clear recollection about the event. The recollection that I have is only

the feeling, not as one may expect memories to be. For example when one

thinks of a white sandy beach and a clear blue sky images appear in the

minds eye. In my case I remember only the feelings that I had experienced I

have no images of what actually took place, just tabular Rasa (a blank slate).

I tend to think that this type of phenomenon could be a knowledge based

attempt by the brain to understand something of which it has no meaning for.

By this I mean, if I had been a god fearing individual would I have seen a

different pattern such as a demon if I had sinned or even a divine entity within

the mish mash of colour that I perceived as a strange creature. Who knows?

When our brains pick up on incoming information it automatically looks for a

familiar pattern to help it to understand what it is looking at. This is why some

people when looking at the patterns on their curtains and carpets they see

faces and other familiar shapes appear. Another example of this is cloud

formations that look like ships or sheep. If ships had not been invented, then

we would not recognise the ship like shape in the cloud formation.

From psychological studies of infants and neo-natal studies, it has been found

that our brains are genetically pre-programmed to look for a face. People will

tend to see, in other things, familiar patterns and the brain will pick out a

memory that will be the next best fit, and my brain picked out an alien

substitute image because my visual cortex and my eyes had both deceived

my memory due to the injury my brain could not make out the information

from the external world. Mmm, wonderful.

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This problem on its own is, in my opinion a bugger to deal with, however mix it

up with balance problems and you have another problem again but that is

another chapter and best kept for later.

Depersonalisation/reality displacement.

I searched for information about this disorder after being advised that the

feelings that I were having is possibly due to reality displacement. I asked my

GP and he suggested that it may be referred to as reality displacement or

some type of depersonalisation disorder quiet often associated with serious

head trauma.

At first I found very little under that particular heading. It was only by chance

that I found a link to a website called depersonalisation.com.

Perhaps it helps that I have a little knowledge of the psychological and

physiological workings of the brain, then again maybe not. I am not quite sure

if its good thing as ignorance seems blissful sometimes. I exhaust myself

searching for an answer in the hope that everything will turn out alright, but it

is a long hard struggle and I feel the effects badly.

I think it is harder to accept that I have had a brain injury rather than have

been abducted and thrown into another universe because there is hope that

one day I will escape and arrive back home, but if this is all due to brain injury

I feel I am stuck with it. Does that make sense?

This scenario reminds me of the drunk searching for dropped keys outside

under a lamppost, even though the keys may have been dropped elsewhere it

remains a more easier task to search under the light than in the dark, even

though that may not be where the keys are. Get it?

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I feel like a fish out of water and I feel the need to be with my own kind,

perhaps as time goes on it will become easier to cope with I really do not

know at this stage, perhaps I am dreaming lets hope that I wake real soon.

Micro lapses.

Accompanying this reality displacement and adding to the problem, is what I

can only describe as micro time displacements. To illustrate, my partner and I

had to visit the hypermarket at Cardiff gate. After travelling about fifteen miles

I became aware that I did not know where we were, I had no recollection of

getting into the vehicle let alone leaving the house.

I tend to think that these micro time lapses are due to a backlog of incoming

information being sorted in my brain as it seems to happen when I am in a

situation where there are various types of stimuli an example of such a time is

when I was taken up town shopping.

It was a sunny day; there were endless crowds of people, there were streams

of traffic, noise and bright sunlight and shadows. Shadows cause many

problems.

As any paint artist knows, if you want to illustrate depth you need dark

colours. Shadows usually mean stop there is a hole. In my case I cannot

afford to make any mistakes, if I fall down a hole I’m not going to be a happy

bunny, so what do I do? Quite simply I stop or step over most shadows,

which I am sure amuses most other pedestrians but it jars my bones when I

step down or up a curb that is not here.

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another way, if the car seems big I stay on the pavement, if its small in size I

run.

On other occasions we might meet people that want to stop and talk, this

irritates me beyond belief because sometimes I feel they are not familiar to

me and even worse if one person changes place for another, i.e. they swap

places whilst talking to me and I get distracted, I tend to think that the one I

was looking at has changed into someone else, and that is scary.

What is annoying is that people think that because I no longer have the palsy,

I am fine and back to my normal self. I know I am not, I am aware of changes

although I find difficulty in explaining all of them.

Another thing about conversing with people is that I find it hard to keep up

with what is being said and often people talk over me as I take so long to

answer. Sometimes people speak for me and finish of sentences. Often the

opposite of what I mean. A nice little example of how it sometimes goes for

me is the little story of three old women sitting on a bench outside:

First old biddy: Isn’t it windy?

Second old biddy: No, it’s Thursday.

Third old biddy: So am I lets have a cup of tea!

I have come to realise that if I close my eyes I can take in a bit more and get it

right, that brings problems within itself as it is considered rude to close one’s

eyes whilst being spoken too, and it is dangerous when walking and talking.

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Unlike the old biddies I am not deaf my hearing is finely tuned and if anything

is hypersensitive to sounds. You may be surprised to find out that people

tend to over emphasize words as they would to a deaf individual, this I do

tend to over look, as it is sometimes amusing.

I sometimes feel that I am like a bad egg, undetected on the outside and

rotten inside, you can’t tell until you see inside it. It is frustrating and

infuriating and just to recap nothing seems real, sounds and smells are

different sometimes to the extreme, I have this constant feeling that I should

be somewhere else, I try to believe what people are telling me but there

always seems to be doubt in my mind as to their veracity. Is there a plot?

Am I being controlled by something else? Are these people or a figment of

my reality? I can’t make up my mind on many issues. And the noises in my

head are awfully distracting as well as annoying.

Even going to the toilet and taking a bath has its problems. I mean to say

what if I think I’m in the loo and I’m not? What if I am sat on a shop display in

B&Q? (Stop giggling!)

Bathing has always been fun for me it is way to relax and unwind and play

with our animals with the bubbles etc. Now I dread the thought of getting in,

as it feels drastically unlike it did before. The bath feels hard and cold against

my skin and the water around me makes me gasp for air. Showering is not so

much a problem so its not like I have problems with hygiene as I will shower,

but I do have an awful problem staying in our bathroom upstairs, again I have

no idea why.

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Other things that make me uncomfortable are going up our stairway as well as

being in the upstairs bathroom. I find it difficult not to sit on the stairs and this

is something that annoys me and I cannot seem to stop it happening, for no

reason at all I will suddenly get a burning desire to sit on the stairs. I throw

my hands up in despair, why do I do these things? I also have bouts of

uncontrollable laughter. This has and could lead to all sorts of problems as it

is difficult to contain. It happens for no reason and is embarrassing especially

in a crowded place or inappropriate times. I find it impossible to control it and

become irritating after an hour or so.

Getting back to the sitting on the stairs, I would not mind if I was sat there

doing something useful or even trying to read but I just sit and stare listening

to the noises in my head.

Another strange thing is that I keep looking for our kitchen light switch in

another place. It is as if I am expecting it to be on another wall, very strange

do you not think? I keep wrenching our kitchen taps the wrong way so they

become jammed off, I can not seem to remember which is the correct way it is

to turn them on or off.

I might expect to do this if I had just moved house perhaps but not after living

in the same place for years. Parallel universe syndrome or is it this dreaded

symptom? I am beginning to wonder as many strange things are beginning to

emerge as time goes on in this strange new world I seem to have woken up

in, or perhaps I am dreaming, who knows?

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For a very long time the only real link with reality I had was old pictures and

the way that our animals reacted to me, still with the pictures I have this

nagging doubt in my mind that it is not really me in the picture even though I

am reassured by friends and family that it is me.

People I had once worked with I no longer know, again it is not so much what

I see but the feelings I have about them and now to combat remembering new

names I have to constantly go over them in my mind and hope that I

remember the face too.

Some time this week I went for a stroll through the park with our two dogs I

was feeling rather tired and suddenly forgot about the dogs when I became

interested in a bird that had flown low passed my head and swooped up into a

tree. After a few seconds in my time I walked off. I looked about saw no dogs

so I thought I had been to the shop, on realising that I had no shopping I

thought it strange that I was in the park without the dogs as I did not have a

need to be where I was without dogs or shopping as all my other places to

visit were in the other direction.

If it was not for the fact that a neighbour had been watching me for twenty

minutes and knew the dogs had wandered off I would have been stood there

still pondering my next move. She walked over and asked if I was okay she

brought the dogs with her, they had made their way to her house sniffing

about in the grass. Most people that know me are very kind in that respect

they keep an eye out for me and that is nice to know. However people that do

not know me tend to think I am intoxicated or just give me a funny look.

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I used to be quite active and most of my activities now are confined to safe

places and places I can be escorted. I no longer fish as it is near water and

there is the possibility that I may fall in have a seizure and drown.

I keep myself amused by logging new species of birds, trees and insects that I

have not seen before, even though I seem to have information about their

habitat and general bits of information which I recall after finding out what it is

that I am seeing. For example, I know that a butterfly lays eggs on our

cabbage plants, they do not bite or sting but I cannot remember seeing one

before now, but I must have seen one before.

Trees look so different to anything that I have ever seen before and I love to

watch them. Flowers look bright and even rain holds me captive for hours on

end. The floor feels strange beneath my feet, if I take off my shoes it feels

even stranger just as if the ground is moving around my feet. It is real difficult

to explain but discovering this sensation was and still is such a big deal to me

even today.

Everything feels different, it looks different and feels strange. I was most

amused by the feeling I got from chewing bubblegum , and I have to say that I

felt as if it was chewing me, so I have not had it since. I have developed a

strange desire to taste things these days but it is the texture that interests me

the most rather than the taste. It has been explained to me that this could be

dangerous, I try to resist the urge to taste things but sometimes I forget and

have a mini lecture from Jaci about the dangers of tasting things from plants

and why I should not pick things up from the floor.

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I spy

This game is a good one for focusing on independent items that tend to blend

in to other things. However, do not try this in a supermarket, as it will make

you feel ill.

A major problem with super markets is the many different types of lighting and

noises, people and different temperatures. Only recently have I noticed how

cold it is in the isles containing butter and cheese etc.

Okay so what? It is cold in all cold storage isles, ah yes but do we really

notice the difference, yes we do but I notice it to the point where I stop and

cant focus on anything else but escaping from it. This means a mad dash to

get my mission done. The utter loathing I feel for those particular isles is

extremely uncomfortable and for some reason I think of it as my fear factor

challenge.

Lights are another problem. The lighting in supermarkets are designed not

only to let you see, designer lights are specialised to create an environment

that will influence the shopper into purchasing more as are the packaging and

structure of the store itself. So shadows and lights again, lots and lots of

multi-coloured packets and tins and shining swinging bits and bobs come

shooting around my head as I blunder and stumble into shopping carts and

other things that come at me ninety to the dozen. How do I cope? I just go

slowly and let people dodge around me apologising as I go. It is all good fun I

suppose, but when it becomes just too much, I retreat to the safety of the car

and sit in silence or both Jaci and I leave the shopping until another day and

just go home.

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New adventures New tastes

One positive thing about all this is that I have had more new experiences than

I have had in a while. I have also found that many things I did enjoy I now

detest or am not bothered about.

It seems odd that I do not know if I like certain things such as my dilemma of if

I liked malt drinks or cocoa, I can never get it right it seems so I just ask over

and over again, but I do forget and I do not know how to stop this other than

write my opinion on my arm in pen.

I have been told that I do not like it, but while shopping I will insist that we buy

both just to try which one I like, but I do not like either and at one time we had

two lots of each in the bin, as they were not used.

There other such stories as you can imagine. Such as thinking that you like

Marmite only to find that you absolutely hate it Yuk!

It does seem funny though that some things I know I like and others I seem to

have lost the plot with. Pickled beetroot is another strange thing I have

developed a taste for, I have astounded many with this new trick of mine as

everyone has been telling me that I hated it before. I cannot argue with them

as I really have no idea if I did or did not, very peculiar.

I may add at this point that I am getting better at trusting my partner’s

judgements on things that I am not sure about. I have too, else our kitchen

would be full of things I do not like. Mmm not good

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Taste and smell

Since the accident my taste and smell has altered drastically. This is a

problem when cooking, as I cannot taste or smell it however this affects

others who have to endure my cooking, as I cannot taste it.

I cannot say that I have no sense of smell or taste because I have it is just

different. I smell onions from many types of food, even things that one might

not connect, such as onion odours coming from chicken pork and eggs.

Could it be that the reason I seem not to recognise some people is that my

smell leads me to believe that they are not who they say they are? After all

smell is important in relationships with people, if they don’t smell right but they

look familiar it is bound to be confusing I should think. (Or is that a bit deep?)

Cooking with chillies or curry tends to be a bit of a shocker. I know when it is

hot as the back of my head sweats and my partner runs out of the room to get

water. I am not usually allowed to cook unattended, as I tend to forget what is

happening next and wander off and do something else. Examples of this

behaviour is forgetting that the bath is running, that the dogs are outside, I

have no socks on or there is food cooking and I have been known to leave the

oven on over night and most annoyingly I find half consumed cups of tea

around the house, obviously me as I am the only tea drinker.

I have cut down on cigarettes too as they have gone out before I remember

that I have lit it or indeed which ashtray it is in. I roll my own too so that helps

as I am that slow at rolling it takes about ten minute per roll up.

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Another annoying thing about lack of taste is salt. Salt tastes weaker that it

did and as any chip eater knows oven chips needs salt as does Tomatoes.

But I can’t taste it so it piles up on my plate like the slalom slopes of Aspen.

I have found the answer to this problem it is called Losalt and it is low sodium

but high in salty taste.

I keep saying lack of taste, more to the point I should say alteration of taste,

most things smell and taste of onions as I mentioned earlier and I have no

theories as to why this should be as yet.

There is something positive about not having a good sense of smell though,

as we live around farms it makes cows smell nicer, but not chicken poo.

Between one thing and another my brain has placed me in a very strange

world.

Taste, smell, vision and balance all altered and alien although rather familiar

too. Many new fears and new things to learn probe and investigate. The

feelings that have me believe I should be somewhere else remain with me all

day, as does this constant feeling that nothing is real and this homesickness

is driving me insane.

Fatigue

Everyone has fatigue at some point, over worked psychiatric staff in Cardiff

down to basket makers in Africa. The feelings are the same, we feel drowsy,

sluggish and irritable. Attention and focus diminishes with tiredness and it is

not surprising as the body has many functions and tasks to be carried out

every second of the day, some we think about some we do not, such as

breathing or eating.

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I find it difficult to multi-task, my head hurts and becomes hot when this occurs

my judgment becomes confused and I lose the ability to walk in a straight line.

I have this constant feeling that I have a tightly fitted scull cap around my

head and this distracts me quite a bit.

Sometimes if three or more activities are going on around me I freeze or slow

down. It helps me to refocus my attention if I am able to close my eyes but not

for too long as I have been known to simply fall asleep.

It would seem that my daily capabilities are linked to how fatigued I am or

have been the day before and also the amount of stimuli that I have incoming

from my environment at the time.

To illustrate this I will tell you about my day out at Asda after my stint ( Little

visit) to the hospital. Thursday morning I swung myself out of bed, eyes shut

tight my legs are like lumps of lead and my throat is dry I have slept from

8:30pm last night without waking.

Finally after three hours of shuffling about trying to get dressed and find where

I have placed trainers, cups of tea, toothpaste and a huge range of other lost

items that I knew I had only just put down somewhere we are ready to visit the

post office and then Asda. My treat today for not putting my sport top on

backwards is a Big tasty from McDonalds (Keep the big tasty in mind here

okay)

I was sleeping before I got to the car, I tripped over two shadows and scared

next doors cat under a parked car, I miss judged the headroom getting into

the car and hit my ear on the side of the roof getting in.

Once in the post office queue I nodded off and slipped off the lottery stand

that I had perched my elbow on just missing a stack of beer cans and

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catching my funny bone on a door handle that I slipped passed much to the

delight of my local post master and assistant. Who ever called the funny bone

the humorous should be shot, it hurts like crazy when knocked.

Docile and battered I walked back outside to the car where my partner pointed

out that I had forgotten all of what I had to pay (Phone, gas electricity, daily

newspaper, lottery and student loan.) The ironic thing was I had a list in my

pocket I was so tired it was all I could do to say hello let alone remember what

I had to do. I slept from Raglan services to Asda at Cardiff gate, a journey of

approximately 48 miles I think.

When we got to Asda we decided that it would be a good idea to shop first

then go get my treat and a cup of tea (Mmm)

I was a wreck coming out of Asda after all the hustle and bustle and deciding

where to stand not to be in the way, we got the shopping done after about two

and a half hours as I kept getting lost and bumping into things and as we

neared the checkout my stomach was yelling out for a big tasty my mouth

watered. Packing done we paid the bill, I slugged my way to the car we threw

the bags in the boot, god how far is it around the corner? My stomach gave

out a nine point nine on the Richter scale as we pulled up to the booth and the

big tasty was at last in sight we got the bag and parked up I took one mouthful

and threw up. Be warned tiredness can kill and make you throw big time.

I was so exhausted I slept all the way home, without the big tasty. Ever had

one of those days?

21



Home life and Relationships.

How do you know if something is real? I suppose if you hit something solid it

must be real but what happens when you know it must be real but nothing

feels real at all.

Memories tell me that reality had existed but now it may only exist when I feel

something solid such as another animal or something like a building or a car

etc, and then I can believe it because I have to believe it as I can now feel it.

Feeling that I should be some other place doing something else mixed with

the problem of not having a grip on reality is extremely hard to live with

especially when you feel as if you are not at home and with the person you

were with before an accident.

Can you imagine waking up in some other person’s life? Not knowing that the

computer in the study is yours and has been for four years? I am still vaguely

amused every time I turn my PC on that my name appears on a file or a piece

of work done sometime ago.

I read reports that I once prepared wondering who wrote it but knowing it was

I all along, how do I know it was? Because it has my name on it, other people

have told me that I did it. But what if they are lying to me? Then again why

would anyone take such actions and set me up in this way? I am only me

after all and there I rest my case. I think the F.B.I have bigger criminals to

chase than me. But that is what it feels like sometimes.

Even after consoling myself with such arguments I am still not sure.

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The pitch of the TV set has been muffled and I am working a lot better, faster

and accurately so. Go girl what a brilliant suggestion miss pigtails.

It strikes me as strange as I sit among other patients in the smoke room. I do

not know everyone of them but some I have become very fond of. I believe

that I get such a lift from these people and I have yet to realize just what it is

that they give me.

I can explain what I get from the staff and let me say here and now I

understand only too well what they experience on a day-to-day basis and it is

a very stressful choice of career and very demanding even to those that brag

they have become hardened. Rubbish!

I get support from the staff if and when I need it, that is how it should be and it

is. I recognise a lot of the time the support I do need and I go off and moan

and moan I use the staff like sounding boards and if the one is busy there is

another to help. In fact I like every one of them equally, each has their own

little idiosyncratic ways that makes each one special to me.

Right enough crawling my knees hurt now.

I am surprised to find when the smoke room fills up people open up and talk.

They do a fair bit of moaning, but it never seems to be about what they are

suffering from, however they do moan about the ward, the hospital, the staff,

the ambulance service, even down to the financial state of the health service.

But they never seem to moan about the cleaner on the ward or the fact that

someone has burned the carpet or defaced the walls or equipment, in fact one

would think that most of the day patients were prisoners being locked in the

building. It sounds just like a “them and us” scenario, I wonder if that is why

they bond so well in the smoke room? Oh no now I feel like 007, a mole, a

25







Derealisation is said to be:

”A change in an individual's experience of the environment, where the world

around him/her feels unreal and unfamiliar. Again, this symptom is caused

by a change in the way senses perceive our surroundings due to sensitised,

anxious, nerve signals reaching the brain. It is completely harmless but can

be disturbing. The more you give it credibility, the longer it stays with you. As

anxiety levels are reduced, derealisation disappears. “

Hang on just a second is it just me or has that sentence just inferred that it is

all in the mind? So how come I feel like this permanently? I read that there

are other ways to become desensitised and one way is to take a nasty fall on

one’s head. I suppose that it could be a symptom more than a disorder, the

disorder being the harder to improve? I really cannot decide.

All I want is a way out of this state I know I was not like this before that fall

and that is what makes me so angry, it is frustrating to be slow and

incompetent. Even watching snow falling makes me giddy and tired. I feel

that my senses are turned up full and my brain hurts from the overload and

yet I find that under some circumstances I function a lot better, but, and this is

a big but, the world that I need to function in at 85% needs to be quiet and

slow, no rushed conversation or loud noises or other conversation, let alone

100% how can this ever be?

It is an impractical world that I look for in my search. I try so hard to be

normal I feel inferior and less able than I ever did. I make myself go outside

and continue to do so even today. I know it would be much easier to comply

28



with my feelings and give in, stay safe indoors but if I do that I may as well

have died that night.

It is not only going out that has changed by the way of perception and

emotions, taking a bath is probably one of the most horrific events of my day

and I loath it beyond belief. The way it feels against my skin makes my blood

run cold and my bones feel as if they will poke through the sides. I hate the

way the water feels too, I get quiet claustrophobic some times and the water

feels quite weird. I know I am repeating myself but it does terrify me.

I used to be much more self-assured I mixed well with others quite the gig

animal that raved in laser lights until six in the morning and then gone to work

on the Saturday, no more of that for me I can only just put up with an indicator

light for a few seconds before I feel ill now.

I suppose it is good for me to have a moan, especially on paper as it saves

staff having to buy earplugs (haha). According to other research I have found:

A psychologist by the name of Dugus coined the term depersonalisation

disorder in 1898 also stating that it was a unique medical condition. Until

recently it has resided under the umbrella term of Disassociative disorders in

the Psychiatric Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) which is said to be

the bible of psychiatric diagnosis.

On one of the web sites that are dedicated to Depersonalisation disorder I

found this information. I cannot tell why it makes me feel a bit better but it

does. How bizarre. Oscar Janiger a Los Angeles psychiatrist who had

suffered with Depersonalisation disorder himself, apparently he was a former

29



associate clinical professor at the University of California, Irvine, and treated

countless patients with Depersonalisation Disorder through out his forty odd

year practice.

I also found out that:

“Depersonalisation is the third most common psychiatric symptom and

frequently occurs in life-threatening danger, such as accidents, assaults, and

serious illnesses and injuries; it can occur as a symptom in many other

psychiatric disorders and in seizure disorders.

As a separate disorder, depersonalisation has not been studied widely, and its

occurrence and cause is unknown.” Patients have a distorted perception of

themselves, their bodies, and their lives, which makes them uncomfortable. A

person may feel as if he is an automaton or is in a dream. Often the

symptoms are transient and occur with anxiety, panic, or phobic symptoms.

However, symptoms can be chronic and persist or recur for many years. (Ah

ha sounds more like it, so I might be a D-person after all then) Patients often

have great difficulty describing their symptoms and may fear or believe the

symptoms mean they are going crazy. The patient often feels unreal and may

experience the world as unreal and dreamlike. “

“Some patients are minimally impaired; others become severely compromised

or even disabled. Although some can adjust to depersonalisation disorder or

even block its effect, others have chronic anxiety about their state of mind,

worry whether they are going crazy, or ruminate on the implications of their

30



distorted perceptions of their bodies and their sense of estrangement from

themselves and the world.”

“Complete recovery is possible for many patients, (Oh good) especially those

whose symptoms occurred in connection with stresses that can be dealt with

in treatment (Oh no). Other patients do not respond well to treatment but may

gradually improve on their own. (Ah ha, that is one answer I had an accident

that is why my condition is not improving as fast as I had hoped, still Rome as

they say…)

“The feeling of depersonalization is often transient and resolves

spontaneously. Treatment is warranted only if the disorder is persistent,

recurrent, or distressing. Various psychotherapies (e.g., psychodynamic

psychotherapy, cognitive behaviour therapy, hypnosis) are successful for

some patients, but no one treatment has proved effective for all.

Tranquillisers and antidepressants have helped some patients. Other

psychiatric disorders, which are often associated with or precipitated by

depersonalization, must be treated. Treatment must address all stresses

associated with the onset of the disorder.

Diagnosis is made based on the symptoms. The physician must rule out

physical disorders, substance abuse, and other Dissociative disorders.

Psychological tests and special interviews are helpful.”

Okay so I have had tests and I am undergoing therapies of various kinds

some that I understand some I do not. If it helps lets do it I say. I am coping

better than I did last year I think. People tell me that I have improved in

31



various ways. I suppose it’s like being born again but with a more upgraded

intelligence, for want of a better analogy, but in a different world on another

planet.

Perhaps I have been switched with a doppelganger from a parallel universe

and that is why it all feels so unfamiliar but so very familiar I really do not

know and now I have confused myself so much I have a head ache and the

sides of my head feels like two saddle bags filled with hot water, I need a

break.

During my break in the kitchen I realised that my functioning was slow in

reaction and it took some doing to get a simple task done. The task was to

get tablets into a weekly dosage box marked with the days of the week and

clearly numbered. I have left it on the table half filled and with the wrong

dosage again. Once again the variations in noise were too much for me I am

really annoyed with myself.

It would seem that different cycles that a washing machine goes through has

different frequencies of noise. When certain frequencies are sounding it really

inhibits my performance in basic tasks.

I remember something from newborn and infant studies years ago how babies

and toddlers were sent off to sleep by the noise of a car engine, this is not a

quote but I think the it had something to do with frequencies and tones.

Perhaps the noise inhibits the functioning of my brain because it is tired

anyhow so the noise lulls it, it’s a theory. Perhaps that has something to do

with it all, I do not know. Perhaps it would have been better to have not

32





Oh no I feel a ditty coming on…

My Temporal lobes have been jolted, my parietals are still in a mess, the

visual cortex is buggered and my best thinking now done with a guess.

The world looks to me like I am dreaming, I feel alien and rather alone, at

least if I was a real alien, I would be able to go and phone home.

As it has been shown I can still string together a little rhyme, but I am in semi

quiet and it is directly internal, all I am doing is typing down my thoughts so

that is not as cognitively taxing as typing research from a book or another

secondary source and it has taken over an hour to accomplish and now yet

again I am in need of a break.

34



Capgras Syndrome was named after its discoverer, the French psychiatrist

Jean Marie Joseph Capgras. The person’s main delusion is that an impostor

or an exact double despite recognition of familiarity in appearance and

behaviour has replaced a close relative or friend. The following information I

have taken from a web page.

“The patient may also see himself as his own double. Also known as

Delusional misidentification, illusion of doubles, and illusion of negative

doubles, misidentification syndrome, non-recognition syndrome, phantom

double syndrome, and subjective doubles syndrome.”

Delusions better known as false beliefs sometimes have bizarre content that

are held with strong conviction even in the presence of contrary evidence.

For individuals suffering from Capgras Syndrome they typically believe they

exist in a world of impersonators. This feeling in a delusional world of doubles

can be so alarming that it drives the Capgras sufferer to psychotic behaviour.

The syndrome typically has the following characteristics:

The person is convinced that one or several persons known by the sufferer

have been replaced by a double, an identical looking impostor.

The patient sees true and double persons.

It may extend to animals and objects.

The person is conscious of the abnormality of these perceptions. There

is no hallucination. The double is usually a key figure for the person at

35



the time of onset of symptoms. If married, always the husband or wife

accordingly.

Associated Features:

1. Cerebral lesions caused by head injury, which are often located in the

posterior area of the right hemisphere, where face recognition is

performed.

2. Schizophrenic diseased conditions E.G. paranoid-hallucinatory

schizophrenia, but also in affective and organic-psychic disturbances.

3. Affects both sexes, but prevalent in women.

Differential Diagnosis:

Some disorders have similar symptoms. The clinician, therefore, in his

diagnostic attempt, has to differentiate against the following disorders

that need to be ruled out to establish a precise diagnosis.

Schizophrenia

Alzheimer’s Disease

Huntington’s Disease

Multiple Sclerosis

Traumatic Brain Injury

Substance-Induced Delusional Disorders -

hallucinogens and alcohol

Mood Disorders with Delusions - manic and

depressive types

Dementia

36



Cause:

“It has been reported that the Capgras Syndrome and related substitution

delusions, that 35% have an organic aetiology. Some researchers believe

that Capgras’ syndrome can be blamed on a relatively simple failure of normal

recognition processes following brain damage from a stroke, drug overdose,

or some other cause. This disorder can also follow after accidents that cause

damage to the right side of the brain. Therefore, controversies exist about the

aetiology of Capgras Syndrome; some researchers explain it with organic

factors, others with psychodynamic factors, or a combination of the two.”

Treatment:

”Individual therapy may be best suited to treat the individual’s delusions.

Persistence is needed in establishing a therapeutic empathy without

validating the person’s delusional system or overtly confronting the system.

Cognitive techniques that include reality testing and reframing can be used.

Anti-psychotics and other drugs have been used with some success.”

Personally I think I am definitely more of a D-person, how about you? It has

been a busy week for me and now I am winding down. All this thinking and this

typing is killing me quietly and I need to sleep.

As I lay in bed this morning I could hear music playing away outside, our

neighbour was washing his car. The music was not loud but still I was aware

of my eyes jumping about in time to the music. I lay there just thinking about

my eyes, feeling the way they seem to move around in the eye socked

searching for light, jumping to every sound, they feel abnormally big to me.

37



One of our cats had jumped upon the bed but I was concentrating so much on

keeping up with my eyeballs that I must have leaned my arm on top of her

back, she screamed and swiped at me just catching my arm. As soon as I

realised what I had done I tried to make amends but cats are hard creatures

to please and trying to explain that I was sorry was futile, until lunch anyhow.

This is something you can try yourself, just close your eyes and listen under

normal conditions we hardly realise that out senses are responding to every

minuscule bit of information whatever the source, just make sure that you are

not leaning on a cat at the time.

It is hard to explain just how hard it is to focus on something that once was an

automatic procedure. An example of this is falling over whilst watching clouds

go by or trying to walk in a straight line while carrying cups of liquid. Walking

upstairs whilst carrying the ironing and negotiating which foot goes where and

how high one should step.

Focus and attention is everything. If you are not focused then you will not be

paying attention and that is probably why I tend to throw away spoons, knives,

table mats, cartons of milk and other such things that I should not be throwing

away.

It is quite easy to take for granted all the things we do at one time, such as

making tea, coffee, and sandwiches whilst keeping up with the conversation

and with music playing in the background.

Another scenario could be at work. The noise of computers, the moving off

furniture as someone shifts about. Perhaps someone has a cough, someone

38





and joy is now in gear and off we wiz in some direction at this point I am

holding my stomach as I chuckle away, I have parted with hard earned money

for a ride like this at the fairground in Barry Island.

I wait for a few minutes before I attempt to open my eyes let alone look out of

the window with the landscape and other traffic going by at strange angles

and speeds. My partner reaches over and rubs my hand to let me know I am

not alone. I am asked if I would like a sweet, I say that I would. I ask where

they are, I am told the glove box. You would think that this is a simple task,

but the sun is still shining and where I have had my eyes closed I still have a

trace of after image going around at a fair rate and I am now disorientated. I

find the sweets, take one out and turn to where I think my partner is sitting

open mouthed in readiness, but no, I threw it on the floor. Still laughing I tried

all ways to find it, so I dished out another but this time I just held it out for it to

be taken. The sun is flickering now and I am squinting into space as I am

feeling about on the floor. (And before you say anything the floor was clean

and the sweet was a smooth mint.) I thought I had found it, but with all the

focus taken from my sense of touch I grabbed the mint (Pebble) and popped it

into my mouth.

There are times to tell one’s beloved things and there are times that you do

not, this time was one of them. That pebble had obviously been in the tread

of my trainers. Oh no!

On a more serious note, noise and light is very taxing. I wonder if we actually

broke it down into percentages, which would be the most taxing senses? I

40





time, night time too. It is a very strange concept because all it does is force

people to rush about and become stressed, but not me, not anymore anyhow.

When I worked I had to be there on time. It was pretty straight forward I got

up, I showered had a cup of tea, drove to work. Time for many of us goes

rather quickly in the morning especially if a family has a child to attend to that

is common knowledge. However what has happened in my life causes time

warps, sometimes worthy of Moulder and Scully investigating the strange

phenomena. I feel an illustrating story coming on. (Looks up, clouds and

wonky vision twig light zone approaches)

42



Sometimes on a Monday evening I visit a close friend to play chess, it takes

approximately five minutes to walk from our front door to his.

Sometimes I have taken twenty minutes and I cannot explain why. This

problem is extended to making tea in the kitchen, dog walking and other

things.

Asking me to make a coffee is like asking a Greek waiter for one, you will get

it when it arrives, although I try to be as quick as I can. How long I take

depends greatly upon the amount of activity I suppose, however these lapses

of time have occurred when only myself has been present and the kitchen

was relatively quiet. Is it an overload, it may well be. I have always been an

active thinker. My mind will debate by its self all day. The content of the

debate could cover a thousand topics from cosmology to environmental

issues, scientific analogies to what does an insect think or even better what is

for supper and can I find a fag paper? There seem to be musical tones being

emitted from the central heating tank and it sounds like a repeat of Dido’s new

songs. No wonder I find it difficult to maintain my focus and attention as the

water system sounds like another song. Hey and even better, our refrigerator

sounds as if it just asked me for a water bottle. I would like to impress on staff

at this point I do not really believe it ok, I know they are just sounds just in

case you think I should be sectioned.

The therapy at the day unit will help me with this, I am hoping to see some

improvement in a while, I have no idea how long I have been attending but I

realise that it will take time.

There is a worrying aspect to all of this and that is the safety aspect.

43



If left unattended in control of the cooking I tend to become side tracked and

often had burnt pans and set fire to the toast and such like accidental

happenings.

Other problems might sit at the other end of the spectrum. Over focusing

tends to be just as much of a problem than not focusing, for example in the

kitchen earlier I was pouring out a drink, in an attempt not to spill it or over fill

the cup I became suddenly aware hat most muscles in my body were stiff and

at peculiar angles. I was also biting down on my tooth into my lip, which was

quite sore afterward.

I mentioned this strangeness to some friends of mine and they told me that

they too had noticed. One pointed out that my hand would be held at an

angle and held there until I had finished doing whatever it was. They

described it in an analogical way; my brain seems to be acting in a similar

pattern to a printing queue on a computer.

When the system is full other programs have to close down and only when the

queue is systematically reduced will the program respond by spooling other

information.

That explains why I cannot any longer drink from a cup and walk as I did

before when I was in a rush. If I drink, I stand very still these days.

Touch is a very strange concept; it gives much information about our external

environment such as; when to put more clothes on when to take some off, it

gives direction of what is touching you for example, a stick touching your

back, a stone in your shoe and so on.

44









The second headache is with me all the time that I am awake; it feels as if I

am wearing a skullcap. The feeling goes from the top of my nose up about an

inch and a half like a band. It travels around my head to the back and straight

up over the middle of my head back to the top of my nose in between my

eyes. This has varying degrees of severity and tends to be forgotten until I

am trying to focus on a task, such as typing or reading or keeping track of a

message on the phone among other things. Travelling in the car intensifies

the feeling greatly and quite often it fatigues me to the point that I have to

sleep else I am physically ill.

The third type is a banging thumping feeling that does not seem to originate

from any particular point of origin, it just arrives for no reason other than to

annoy me. It is sudden and electrical, it can last from seconds to almost a

minute perhaps I can not be sure, in real time it could be an hour, only I am

sure if this occurred for a noticeable length of time then someone would have

detected it by now?

The fourth type is not unlike a migraine effect. It attacks the sinuses and the

eyes. This I usually get from being anxious and being in the car does just

that. This usually I can half by taking prescribed painkillers of a fairly medium

dose.

It is accompanied by the feeling of blistering and has a buzzing feeling to it

usually around the top of my head about five inches in circumference.

All four of these happenings affect my ability to function correctly in many

ways as you may or may not appreciate.

48



They reduce my output so I am slower in reaction in decision-making

especially if I am conscious of some other input such as when I am cold or

being rained on, all these distractions take up much energy.

To a person without these problems everyday tasks goes un-noticed as other

tasks are carried out time after time after time. Even as I am typing this I am

aware that an earplug is pressing upon my skin and it is annoying me to hell

and back. The out come is that I concentrate so much upon the earplug that I

start to make spelling errors and although when I type I use two fingers and I

dare not look elsewhere other than the keypad I still cannot get my fingers to

hit the correct keys.

My arms feel alien to me they feel as if they belong to someone else.

Have you ever seen demonstrated the party piece performed by two people.

The one stands behind he other their arms pushed under the person in front?

It looks like the person in front has really weird arms the one at the back

desperately trying to find the mouth of the person in front? This is usually

done with a pint of something just to add to effect and it looks hysterical to the

audience. A good analogy of how I sometimes feel about my limbs.

I know they belong to me but I feel that they don’t for example have you ever

been in the situation whereby someone you know goes away for a few years,

you miss them so very much yet when they get back you feel nothing? That

is how I feel about me, that has me worried slightly I have no logical

explanation and I am too tired to reason why.

There are many questions in my mind as there are stars in the sky and there

are as little answers as there have been contacted from alien life.

49







I cannot state that I do not have a social life, but I can say that it has definitely

changed in a dramatic manner. In fact I see very little people then all at once

I may see many and have so many visitors that I fall asleep on them. But only

three of my academic friends have stuck by me Duncan, a former lecturer and

dear friend and my old mate Chris who got a first let me tell you and Mark who

got a first also.

I did have a phonebook full of numbers a network of people that I could rely

upon and they could rely upon me, whatever the task. Now they can no

longer rely on me I am no longer part of the collective so to speak and the rest

is obvious is it not?

The world seems to have little time for D- People. There I have said it I am a

D-person. I had an accident that has left me with an affliction known as

depersonalisation disorder among other things. And I do not like it one bit

although I seem to be coping underneath I am annoyed but patience is my

only collaborator while time is my Othello, my nemesis.

I am going to wage a war against my brain and I bet I lose. It is a lonely

planet but I like it quiet.

Most of my attention goes on focusing on the reality side of things. I am afraid

that if I let go that I may slip into an insane world with no way out while I battle

with the real world, as it seems to me.

I apologise if that makes little or no sense, there again perhaps one ought to

be worried if you should know what I mean.

There was a time I remember that I questioned my insanity but I cannot for

the life of me decide when it was perhaps it just then or perhaps a week ago,

52



who knows and the more I sit here thinking about it I do not really seem to

care. It would seem that I am having a change of mood.

I think it has something to do with writing down my thoughts, I ramble away to

this computer as if it gives a stuff about my problems, but it is I suppose a

good sounding board as I have bound to have mentioned somewhere among

these pages.

I do not foresee a future in publishing, as I would bore the pants off of anyone.

But on a more positive approach it is good exercise for my brain and practice

makes perfect. Night time is the perfect time to write for me, it is nice and

quiet but I feel the cold and the heating has gone off on the timer.

Now I am faced with a problem that should be easily dealt with but no matter

how I try I cannot make up my mind what to do and in the process I am

freezing cold and slowing right down. So I hear you say turn on the heating,

ah but then my beloved upstairs in bed will roast, so I have one other option. I

have to turn on the portable gas fire. This mind you is at 2:52 and as you can

appreciate if it is cold and especially at night, sound travels faster and a

longer distance.

Now do I chance gassing myself? Or perhaps blow up the house. Even

worse still I could wake up sleeping beauty upstairs or chip the wood work as I

am in the study and it is in the lounge, behind the door which is at the side of

the surround sound unit and television which I am bound to bash into with the

fire.

Meanwhile back in the study my fingers are now turning blue and I am feeling

like I am made from steel as I trudge to get the fire. I have no reason for not

53





bathroom, again I do not know why nor can I tell you just what it is that makes

me feel like this.

What I can tell you is sometimes I have a fear and loathing of that room so

strong I will not go in alone. I try to rationalise my feelings and even though I

realise the stupidity of my reactions I still find it difficult to cope with it. I have

become better at coping with the problem by opening the bathroom window

for ventilation in case it was just claustrophobia.

I do not have the door shut whenever I feel like this and I want a bath, if I

need to use the toilet I use the down stairs facilities. I have even just gone in

there to force myself, sometimes it works, sometimes I have to give in and get

out.

I cannot give explanations and I cannot really say one hundred percent I know

what I feel when it happens. I feel anxious about being in there and although

it does not happen that often, it still is a bother if I am on a cleaning task. I

tend to forget what I am doing as I just have blank moments then leave or just

feel the need to get out, so I yield to my emotions and try to leave slowly so

that at least I do not have to feel so bad about giving in.

I wonder apart from individuals that suffer from genuine phobia’s just how

many other people go through the same feeling about particular situation such

as I have experienced. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would

see life from the other side of reality, how strange everything appears, bizarre,

complex and loud. Sharp, dull and every other sense that I have seem to be

55







What might have happened to me if I had been alone in town? Would I have

wandered off somewhere or just stood still? I have no answer to that and I

certainly do not wish to find out.

A little while later I sit trying to make sense of a conversation I am listening to

on the television, sometimes it takes while before I get over the symptoms of

overload. When I ask what was being said I was told that it was the weather

forecast, strangely enough I thought it was in Russian. That happens quite a

bit too. When trying to follow a conversation, sometimes the speaker will, for

a few seconds sound as if they are speaking far too fast for my brain to make

sense of what was said.

If you fast forward a tape by holding down the play button the noise that you

hear is recognised as speech but the bad streaming, so to speak, causes it to

be stretched and distorted into high frequency sounds this makes it difficult for

the brain to make any sense about the content of the sentence let alone

decipher any true meaning.

58



It is the 10th of March today and I really had problems about going to the day

unit today. I really did not want to go. Yesterday was the same. It takes it out

of me travelling in the Ambulance car and I find it very difficult to function in

the mornings, however if I get up at 6am I tend to become more alert and by

the time I am dropped off at the unit I am tired but at least I can function.

On my toffee days I get irritable and tired easily. A Toffee days expends more

energy than I have and I have felt this toffee mode coming on over the last

few days and today is no exception.

Yesterday was a below average day today is just below that again. Once I

arrive I am usually okay and one cannot help but laugh at the things people

do and say, staff and patients alike.

On route to the physiotherapy room today I felt unsteady. I also went down

with another individual so between electric trucks whizzing about driven by

porters that just adore the horns on the trucks, doors that open out in front of

you, wonky flooring and someone going on about other things it is a wonder I

arrived there at all.

While trying to balance myself by holding my handout on a wall, I noticed a

silver coloured stem coming out of the floor, I thought it was just another

coloured tile and stepped on it, it was discarded rubbish someone had

dropped onto the floor a cigarette packet in fact. When I stood on it I

suddenly felt a foot hirer and tried to jump down from it, kicking the wall

instead and sending myself flying.

Sometimes that corridor can look menacing. It is, or seems to be a twenty

pence piece shape and it the light must reflect in all kinds of directions, this

prism effect can be immobilising at times especially if one becomes distracted.

59











I say this in total earnest and believe it right now, but who knows what I will

feel like when another worrying thought comes to my attention.

After testing my blood sugar levels I find that they are quite high. I administer

my dose of insulin. I have found that since the accident I have little warning of

an on-coming hypoglycaemic turn. This means I need to replenish my

glucose supply else I blackout and go into a comer. I wonder why this is?

Usually I know by the usual signs, one becomes hungry, you begin to shake

and have cold sweats other diabetics will more than likely have their own tell

tale signs individual and unique to themselves but generally there are a few

common symptoms such as hunger and tiredness.

I just have to be that little more careful but it is difficult as I feel now that during

the day should I go out that I had best not take my morning dose just in case.

I feel much safer and it seems to work out nicely.

In the morning I have to visit Frenchay Hospital in Bristol to see someone

about something. I have been told many times today but I seem unable to

find the file from memory, so to speak. I think it is because today I feel run

down and fatigued. It has been cold and my functioning on a pretty low level.

I have been sat here wearing a sweatshirt seated next to the radiator and still

I am cold. I have the journey to Frenchay hospital tomorrow and I am not

looking forward to it much. My mind is buzzing with thoughts and I am really

just plodding along. I feel as if all I am doing is rambling and not making any

sense at all.

64











the same event took place. How rude did he think I was, to make it even

worse the poor chap was obviously not well and had also had a head injury.

My partner was hysterical too as laughter is contagious, between trying to

shut me up and stop laughing there was little one could do but hope hat I did

not end up being confronted for being so rude or punched at least.

We had just seconds to calm down as Dr Bird walked around the corner I felt

that a quick explanation I felt was appropriate and tried to explain without

exploding into laughter again. I was hurting and out of breath at this point I

dare not look at my partner or her at me. Unperturbed at this Dr Bird took it all

in his stride.

I do not recall much about what took place, however I do remember being a

little confused as I thought at one point that we were in a police station or a

bank at the time I could not decide which so I did my usual and played it by

ear.

I have decided to send a copy of this to Dr Bird as he says that it would be

handy, I think it would probably double up as a sedative or comatose if one

reads it all.

I went straight to sleep once back home and I have had such a headache

since. It is the headache that feels like as if I have burnt skin on my head. It

feels as if there are red-hot needles, millions of then under my skin on my

head trying to burst out from beneath. My temples are throbbing and my eyes

are heavy I am confused and can hardly move. Once in bed I slept without

waking until the morning.

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changes. I still find myself holding my limbs at awkward angles while trying to

concentrate and I still am unable to cope with multi-tasking without getting

severe pains in my head. The confusion is still prevalent and toffee days still

occur, am I expecting too much?

Surely it is time that things altered; still I am glad that I can still write. I used to

research and write most of my spare time and I miss it, however this is good

therapy, am I repeating myself? I think so; in fact I feel as if I should pack it in

right now and have a long break. I am feeling rather blank and miserable and

unable to concentrate on what I am doing. Roll on tomorrow.

March the 18th

Now I am buggered, as I cannot for the life of me think how long ago it was I

wrote the last entry. It would seem that I have had a time laps again. So now

I am thinking, where the hell have I been and what did I do since I went to

Frenchay hospital.

It makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I have read back the last few

pages and I still cannot think what has happened since. Okay, now you will

see how brain injured patients recall memories. (Sits blankly looking at the

screen hands being wrung like old sheets)

So, what day is it? It must be Friday because yesterday I was asked to go

into the post office on my own, while my partner waited in the car outside and

get some electricity, gas and pay the phone and we always do that on a

Thursday. So what day did we go to Bristol for god’s sake? (Blinks in

disbelief)

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I am surprised at my success on the eye toy; I seem to be able to cope with

interacting with it more than using a keypad controller. I suppose this is due

to the fact that I am interacting as a whole and not just using my hands and

eyes. It seems to be giving me a lot more fun than normal exercising and

doing the same job.

Monday morning came and went and I slept through until late I think it was

about eleven thirty when I got up. It must have exhausted me yesterday on

the Eye toy and today I cannot keep awake, I had to go back to bed around

three and slept until six in the evening.

I have made many mistakes today and I have become aware of other

malfunctions, for example my speech seems to be slow and slurry and I have

been getting words muddled and giving sentences which are incorrect and

without meaning. I feel so lethargic my limbs feel heavy and I really need to

sleep. First I have to take a bath, I have put it off since Friday I think? I had

showers instead but I feel that if I give in to not taking a bath I will only be

making things more difficult. The problem with taking a shower is that my

favourite cat Spliffy will not come in to the bathroom and I dislike going in

alone.

Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital in Cardiff and I am not looking forward

to the journey. The car ride is taxing there has to be a way around this. I am

guessing but being shy of a good theory I came to the conclusion that I have

to cut down on incoming information somehow as I tend to think that most of

my problems occur due to some kind of over load in the sorting office in my

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head. I think I will have a chat to a staff member about this as they are full of

good ideas and bound to come up with something.

Tuesday morning arrives again, my alarm clock is screaming at me to get up

I have a strange feeling that things were going to feel odder than usual today,

as it was it turned out quite a day.

I got out of bed feeling miserable and irritable. I have been feeling rather

down as of late but I have become quite good at hiding it as I just feel as

though I moan considerably and probably do.

I know exactly what the problem is but it is another thing trying to put things

right and if one more person tells me how lucky I am not to have had

considerably more damage and that other people are worse off I will scream.

I was slow to get dressed my hair remained the same as the night before, just

a few prods here and there flick the front down and it is done a right mess but

quiet fashionable I convince myself in the mirror.

The ride to Cardiff was quite taxing as usual, however I had one of my

favourite drivers today and he has a very nice car.

I stared out of the window at the world whizzing by at a million miles per hour

wondering what was flashing by? It was another car. I can make out what

things are when they are moving away from me as they seem slower

somehow but it does not stop me feeling that nothing is real, I have a feeling

that it will never go away however I cope with it more these days.

Looking at the hills and mountains in the distance I have the feel that it is for

the first time I have experienced the wonderful scenery but I know better.

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The sensation of actually seeing it all moving is making me somewhat dizzy. I

feel as if I am seeing things in segments rather than as a whole also a strange

phenomenon that I now treat as normal. I did say it is just a feeling I have on

the actual eyeball, nothing really but the feeling is there sometimes, more so

when I become tired, I gaze back out of the side window.

There are the mountains in the background all moving the same speed then a

little closer the hills are moving just that much faster. The sky and clouds

above, they look like holograms and tend to seem either static against the

blue sky or non-existent if it is raining as the rain impairs my vision.

As things get closer they tend to blend into streams of blurry images. The

strange thing is I keep wondering and looking and next thing I recall is waking

up. It is all too much for my tired and battered brain to handle and so I sleep

away the journey.

This afternoon I have physiotherapy and after this morning’s journey it takes

half the day to revive so I am relieved to have a few hours to sort my head

out. I am not sure what else I did that day as I had left my daily personal

organizer (note book and pen) at home.

Sometime during this week my partner was called upon to set up a video

system for a neighbour. I not wanting to get in the way stayed at home, after

a while there was a knock at the door, reluctantly I opened it to find that our

neighbour’s husband looking rather sheepish, my partner needed some help

so I went around too.

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As I walked in the chatter between the three of them and the television set

was too much. I tried my hardest to listen but soon I became unsteady on my

feet, my speech started to slow down and become slurry.

I felt as if my head was going around in circles I had to get out, I made a

guess at the channel was out, made my excuses and bolted for the door.

Very much the same has happened at the bank. I thought as I was feeling

particularly well this one day I walked into the bank on my own to make a

deposit.

As I entered the bank I found there were many people the queues were

extremely long, there were children running about and screaming. There

were people talking quite loudly and I was being jostled about as people tried

to get passed.

I stood at the end of the queue waiting as best as I could without swaying too

much as there were no barriers near by to hold on to. I stood with my hands

slightly out so as to aid my balance when suddenly a child ran into my arms

spinning me around in a fashion that would have looked real good on a snow

board. I regained my balance but felt slightly shaken my head was starting to

burn up on each side of my head then my left eye started to burn, now I was

irritable and anxious and the bloody queue was still as long.

Suddenly there was a loud whining noise, which really drove me up the wall.

Someone poked me in the back I glanced around to be told to move down by

the person behind me but on turning back around the room started to spin and

I nearly toppled over. The comic behind me advised more water with it and

suddenly I wanted to smack him in the mouth, but I resisted, just.

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Walking back to the car was awkward and after realising that I had wished the

teller a Merry Christmas instead of good bye confused was an

understatement.

I was aware that people were staring as they went by. I could feel the heat

from my head as it turned crimson. I walked as carefully as I could and as

normally as I could too but I still managed to hurt my ankle as I misplaced my

foot on the curb. Another toffee hour approaches I told myself getting into the

car. My partner took one look at me and drove me home where I fell asleep

on the sofa for a few hours.

On my second visit to Whitchurch hospital last week I had written in my book

that I have a mission to fore fill. A fairly new group has been set up for people

with brain injuries called Neuro. It caters for many individuals that have head

trauma variously caused, it allows support and projects neuropsychiatry in a

much more positive light to the general public. There are days out organised

as well as safety issues which are distributed throughout the general

communities, hospital and other such establishments, my task for he group

was to inquire about a visit to the Science and technology Centre in Cardiff. I

had suggested a visit might be stimulating.

I made a telephone call and spoke with a very pleasant lady on the phone

who seemed to have quite an understanding of head injury patients. We

spoke for a while about noise levels and she suggested that a visit during the

quieter hours may suite the group better.

At the start of the conversation I detected her agony as she tried to tackle a

few problems, obviously approaching a delicate subject such as learning

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transition difficult. One minute they have full time care and support in an

ergonomically adjusted environment then they are released into the

community often with little support, it seems all or nothing although time, man

power and finances are hard pushed so an organisation such as this one is

well over due.

I admit that I may not be of much help at this time but I would be proud to

become a member and help build in any way that I may be of use. It will aid

myself in organisational skills, which I am useless at right now without my note

book. I tend to see this little book as my brain and I treat as such, oh look it is

almost blank just the same too.

I am hoping that in time I may return to work. My finances have become

greatly reduced and I find it difficult to think that I will be on this income for

ever, until my pension and then it will drop again. I find it hard to save enough

to take care of my partner and I after retirement age so something has to

happen. The other thing that makes me rather sad is the fact that I studied so

very hard for four years and now I cannot further my career as I had hoped.

I had many ideas of what I wanted to do, neuropsychiatry was but one area of

psychology that I found utterly interesting. I also would have liked to have

become a trauma counsellor but that too looks pretty far off now.

I have had sound advice from a lady psychologist I talk things through with,

she has suggested that I concentrate on what I am good at rather than

thinking about all the things that I no longer can do or now find difficult. I have

tried to think of what those areas are and I have come up with blanks so far.

It would seem to me that I am good at very little right now, except moaning

about this damned affliction.

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I have started to delve more deeply into Depersonalisation disorder via the

Internet. The links I found were few and far between, however I did come

across one site that held a few surprises for me even if it did not help.

Not to complicate things and tire me out I shall from here on in refer to

Depersonalisation Disorder as (DD) and a person suffering from it (DP).

Many of the case studies of (DD), it would seem has originated from severe

drug and alcohol abuse. Others tell of childhood trauma and abuse or shock

and there were some cases that originated from giving birth.

Many cases too were catalogued from early childhood and seem to stem from

a type of temporal lobe seizure (Temporal lobe epilepsy) and in a few cases

(DD) has appeared without rational cause as well as severe head injuries.

It would seem also that (DD) can and does exist as a symptom in many other

illnesses too, usually from a young age but sadly the most cases seem to

originate from substance abuse and alcohol.

The symptoms of substance abuse cases state that they feel as if they are in

some other persons body and that they do not have the feelings that they are

real. Personally I feel real and I know that my environment is real, it just does

not feel as it should.

I feel as if this is the first time for me to ever have visited Earth, and yet it

seems familiar. I suppose that the levels of severity and the individual

damage has much influence over the symptoms that occur, however I know

who I am, it is the others I have no idea about.

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In my search I uncovered the Cambridge questionnaire that gives the scale

for (DD) constructed by (Sierra & Berrios 1996).

I have decided to use this scale in order to analyse myself, how exciting.

The questions were set out so that answers were given rank priority, such as

often, all day Etc, I think I will just do it my way as it is easier for me as not all

the questions apply directly but could fit in slightly, if you know what I mean so

here is the list.

Out of the blue, I feel strange, as if I were not real or as if I were cut off from

the world. As far as this question goes I can only say that although I feel as if

the world is different I do not feel cut off from it, I feel very much a part of it

however strange it may feel.

What I see looks 'flat' or 'lifeless', as if I were looking at a picture. Well, that is

strange because I do see flat things that are not flat, but only under certain

circumstances such as dark back drops or shadows on steps in sun light.

Usually everything looks like a 3D effect that moves independently enhanced

with dark lines around them as if draw in charcoal.

Parts of my body feel as if they didn't belong to me was another question that

I had to think about as I know that my body belongs to me, however I keep

thinking that I remember them to be smaller or a different shape but when I try

to remember what shape I thought they used to be I cannot for the life of me

remember enough to give any description. One question that surprised me

was, I have found myself not being frightened at all in situations which

normally I would find frightening or distressing. This struck a cored as I

remember a few months after coming home from hospital I showed off

something cruel when my partner’s mother came to visit to go to the seaside.

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Reluctantly they agreed and we set off for the coast where I had another

major strop as I wanted to go on one of the rides that turned every which way

but upright.

As I sobbed like a three year old and just as I was about to throw myself on

the floor, reluctantly again they purchased me some tickets to have a go on

another more sedate ride. Actually I have to admit that I had agreed to this

but then as I had the tickets in my hand I made a dash and boarded the ride

of my choice. By this time it was starting to get embarrassing for them, so

they let me get on with it just praying that what ever brain cells I had left would

remain intact by the end of the ride.

The ride in question should have had me screaming and yelling as usual, not

a good choice for someone that had sustained head injuries such as I had

but, in the name of science, you know how it is nothing ventured nothing

gained. Actually the only thing that I was concerned about was that I could

not find where the car was to wave to my partner’s mother. It was something

and nothing, not at all what I remember the rides to like, what a bummer. But

it did teach me one thing, rides were a waste of money at least until my head

becomes better.

My favourite activities are no longer enjoyable was another question that I felt

was not pertinent to my condition as I enjoy a game of chess and I still enjoy

video games and being with friends.

There are other hobbies and interests that I no-longer pursue but that is

simply due to other symptoms such as being unable to look up in the air for

any length of time, this I suppose is because of Occipital and Parietal damage

sustained during the fall. And I become so tired after walking around what

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with one thing and another I no longer walk for miles at a time, but I do walk

around the park so that is not too bad at least I can get out.

My concentration is poor but this can be over come when playing chess as I

have a silent environment, but my major pastime was driving and that I can no

longer do because of many reasons not just because of the depersonalization

I think if it was just that I might be better off, I do not really know and can only

make suppositions at this stage.

Whilst doing something I have the feeling of being a "detached observer" of

myself. This question again I had to think about. When I am doing anything I

know it is me that is doing it, sometimes I do feel awkward but I tend to think

that this may be due to concentration.

I concentrate so hard that sometimes I find a limb such as my arm or my hand

is being held in an unusual position, for example my middle finger will curl

upwards as my arm sticks out at a slight angle. Lately I have become aware

of this but I have been doing it for quite sometime. I catch myself doing it as

the level’s of concentration needed are lowering as the task reaches

completion. I am also aware that my motor functions continue to dissipate as

fatigue conditions progress.

The flavour of meals no longer gives me a feeling of pleasure or distaste.

This is interesting tome as since the accident I have had problems with taste

and smell, which I assumed to be due to conditions altered by the damage to

the brain. I also have had to re-learn what I like as I could not remember

many of the foods or drinks such as whether I dislike malt drinks or not.

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When this happens the speaker sounds to me as if their speech has suddenly

speeded up. When this happened first I thought that the news was being read

in Russian. It still happens quite a bit but it has decreased in frequency, thank

goodness for that.

I have the feeling that my hands or my feet have become larger or smaller.

This sounds familiar to me as I feel that I remember my hands being smaller

and when I look down at my feet they seem some feet away, not the usual

vertically challenged view I remember .

My surroundings feel detached or unreal, as if there was a veil between me

and the outside world. There seems to be an amount of truth for me here as I

do feel that my environment is different and yet it seems so familiar. The only

analogy I can give is that I feel as if I have become born again in an

environment that is familiar but one that I have to be re-educated in.

I try to think of a better way of putting it, but I feel that I am unable to

encapsulate the entire sensation that I want to portray other than I feel as if I

have been off loaded here from another dimension or planet that was similar

but different from my own.

I am not quite sure if I ever will be able to and I am not sure if there are ever

slight changes as I forget from time to time the most ridiculous things let alone

subtle changes in environment.

It seems as if things that I have recently done had taken place a long time

ago. For example anything which I have done this morning feels as if it were

done weeks ago. Now this one is a definite yes and I am stating here and

now I remember not being like this before. I have always had an explicit

memory and could tell of chronological events as if they had just happened

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I have problems though as I have mentioned earlier, with the concept of time,

memories could cross and then of course cause all sorts of problems, for

example.

I was told by both my partner’s mother and my partner that we had visited a

shop up town and made a purchase, in my mind it was weeks ago and

therefore I argue that after having the purchase for weeks on end perishable

goods would not be exchanged, in truth it had been that morning that we had

been to the green grocers and bought slime filled lettuce, not as I thought

weeks earlier. I would hang an innocent man in a court of law if his alibi

depended on me placing him away from the crime scene on a particular date

or time. So yes I can safely say that I am like this 24 hours a day all week for

nearly two years now, I have the dates written down to remind myself, if I

could remember where I have placed them.

When in a new situation, it feels as if I have been through it before. No this

does not happen. Well it does, but not enough to say it has an unusual

frequency of occurrences everyone has the occasional déjà vu. It has been

suggested by many eminent scientists to be a disturbance in synchrony

between both hemispheres of the brain. Nothing alarming there or Para

psychological, next question then.

Out of the blue, I find myself not feeling any affection towards my family and

close friends. No this definitely does not occur. However I need more quite

and space these days and I do hide away a lot more but my feelings of them

are the same as I remember, I dislike them all equally. Another quip and not

true at all, so moving along swiftly.

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I have to touch myself to make sure that I have a body or a real existence. If

this questions means did I ever have to question if my existence was real not

by validating my body’s veracity, then yes, but I have given up on that due to

the conclusion that I was indeed real and that nothing else was. By the way

did you know that if you pinch the back of your arm you feel a pin prick type

sensation on your side? See what I do in the name of research. Next

question for one hundred pounds, and no conferring.

I seem to have lost some bodily sensations (e.g. of hunger and thirst) so that

when I eat or drink, it feels an automatic routine. No, I enjoy trying different

meals and the one’s I know I like. I wonder if this encompasses change in

taste and smell? If it does then yes I suppose I have, but not loss of appetite

in fact it has increased but that is more than likely to do with the Epilim, I have

asked my consultant and he agrees that in some individuals it has been found

that Epilim can increase hunger. I am quite happy to blame the Epilim for my

love handles all twenty one of them.

And the last question is. Previously familiar places look unfamiliar, as if I had

never seen them before. I have this in reverse. In the early days I did get

quite lost in familiar places and still do now and again, especially if I become

confused due to crowds and noise. Again I regard this as information

overload as my senses are hypersensitive these days.

As I read through these questions I cannot help but think that they are

somewhat leading questions. However, the scale was constructed for, as

they worded it, normal people. I vaguely feel that any person having a

disorder that influences them to look for symptoms will have a field day with

94







I feel slightly better knowing that there are other people that feel the same,

perhaps I should not be, but no one really likes to be that different that they

are a one and only, myself included.

While referencing from a psychology book I found that someone had written in

the back of the book. It says 19/09/97 start university at Glamorgan first year

student. It then goes on to say, well here I am second year student 16th of

November 1998, I made it back god this good. Then it says yes I made it

back again 12/10/99. Almost at the end what will I do I don’t want to leave.

Chris and I are about to sit our final exams. Graduation day is on the 20th of

July. Then I saw the message written almost in a frenzied scribble, it says

WE PASSED JUNE 2000, next the PGCE (Gluttons for punishment)

The next entry was less enthusiastic, it read NEW YEARS DAY 2001 START

TEACHING PRACTISE SOON I HATE IT AND I AM QUITING TO START

WORRK AS I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE AND FINANCIALLY IT IS NOT

WORTH IT IS TOO COSTLY AND THAT’S IT I AM OFF TO DO A MASTERS

BACK AT GLAMORGAN IN APPLIED PSYCHOLOGY BUGGER IT I

SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT FIRST. I AM GOING HOME TO DO A

MASTERS YEAH!

I felt so upset when I caught sight of my name, the hand writing looked so

different and even as I sit here typing this my eye is filling up, I have this

enormous lump in my throat and my nose is starting to run. Where is my cat?

I need a hug from her, ah sorted, there she is Spliffy come here.

That is much better, how does she know when to turn up, just as I say that in

walks one of our dogs, KC Dog is her full title and she is trying to console me

97





a few things such as the level of paranoia directed at people that I should trust

and in my heart I did trust them, but not enough.

I realize that since the accident things have become more clear and fit in with

medical evidence that indeed I did have an accident and I was not abducted

by aliens or by the government and the remote viewing team at the C.I.A in

America (not the Cardiff International Arena I may add).

My friends are not covering up for them and neither is my family. I know

because I have been told by them a dozen times over in their attempt to bring

me back to reality. I nearly drove them all insane and at one point I am told I

had my partner in tears with accusations regarding my extreme paranoia. My

partner found it harder and harder to cope.

It was only when I started at the Neuropsychiatric unit as an out patient that

things started to unravel for me in that I could see for myself just how many

other people were in the same position as I was and most of them had

accidents in very much the same way.

The point is, when one feels trust in someone it is very hard to ignore that

feeling and there are a few main people at the unit that I trust implicitly. One

of these people visited my home. I remember sometimes and it gives me a

warm feeling and I feel quite choked up for some reason and every time we

meet on the unit and even if I do not feel like it I smile from ear to ear, perhaps

it is just his expression but he does radiate a warm and positive ambiance and

that has to be special and deserves my trust.

There are not many individuals on the unit I feel as if I would not trust totally

perhaps four or five but I like everyone and that includes the patients.

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So what is this paranoia then I wonder. Is it just because my first perceptions

after waking was that I had been abducted and the last thing I remember

conversing over was alien life forms and government cover-ups?

Yes, I think it could well be. It had crossed my mind but only lately I was far

too busy chasing remote viewing C.I.A agents that wanted me back in the test

room of some spaceship. Men in black and such like, perhaps it is real and

we are all bred for test purposes and being an astronomer and a psychologist

my brain might be worth looking into. (Okay, that was a joke put the white

coat with the shiny buckles back for a while anyhow)

I no longer think seriously about scenario’s such as those now but I have put

in much time researching into the areas of neuropsychiatry that I think may

help. As a psychology student one dances around such topics and there is

much I have learned from the research albeit at a snails pace with ear plugs

in.

One thing I had not realized is that (DD) can be divided into a disorder and as

symptoms, I had not thought about this up until now. I really think that this

area of research should be pursued as many people seem to suffer from its

symptoms in various ways. Until I started trying to find out what was wrong

with me I had not heard of anything such as this.

The Internet provides a plethora of case studies but one has to dig deep as it

was not easy trying to track information on a subject unknown, some of the

case studies have mind blowing accounts of (DD) and takes the individual to

the very edge of reality and beyond if they are to be given credibility, which I

think is probable as I have been through some of the symptoms caused by

brain injury and even in my case reality no longer exists as I remember it.

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Reading back over that last section it reads as if I have doubt as to the

veracity of some of the statements made by some of the individuals that are in

the case studies. I do not doubt what they are saying at all it quite the

opposite. On the other hand I could see why some individuals fail to

understand the concept and regard the account with uncertainty and

sometimes disbelief.

If one thinks about truth in human minds, one can only know what one

divulges. Before I had experienced the affects of the head injuries I have I

would have held some suspicion as to the veracity of some statements made,

particularly over a website. It was not long ago I suppose that I thought I had

taken leave of my senses and become totally insane. Direct experience is the

best method of receiving information about anything.

Night after night I have sat alone trying to put together a mind map of what

has gone on and how I became to be in such a place so I have complete

empathy and understanding of what others may be feeling.

I have drawn charts and tried to figure out dates and times and events all in

vain as until now and I feel more stable in myself and satisfied that I have had

an accident. I am less surprised if someone informs me that the work I am

reading is my own, although I am delighted to know that I had a history of

academic achievements. I am still a little amused by it all as I think I am quite

thick and show little common sense I am told.

I still remember doing things although it seems that it was someone else, I

cannot be more specific than that as I fail to find words to describe the

sensation.

101







As he stood before his captured audience he gestured passionately to

illustrate and bounced about with glee as his story unfolded about an incident

that day in the refectory whereupon he had smelt the mushy peas being

prepared for lunch.

“Today” he announced to the students “I stood in the refectory and I could

smell the mushy peas cooking.” He sniffed into the air as his chest expanded

to illustrate the yummy and desirable order. “ when I smelt them cooking” he

charged on. “It elicited a memory from my childhood of my mother in the

kitchen and myself as a child waiting for my dinner to cook” he paused to

observe the crowd and re-sniff the air for added affect. “ Even as I think of it

now,. He sniffed again and then shot himself in the foot by saying. “ I can still

taste that pea ness in my mouth.”

Beware that memories of this kind will hang around like a bad smell for years

and I bet he still remembers too, poor tormented soul.

Memories can be false and if one cannot recall a memory without being

primed what is to say that the memories that are elicited from such prompting

are true?

I vaguely remember a case study from the past that required students to

watch a video. They were asked questions about the film such as did the

woman with the yellow hat drop a newspaper. Even if the woman that

dropped the paper was not wearing a hat there were people who were

adamant at first that no-one in the film was wearing a yellow hat , they were

persuaded that she was as confederates of the experimenters convinced

them so.

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though I threaten quite a lot. (And now, just to add insult to injury, my A drive

has buggered up on the computer, how bad can it get?) I am going to make a

cup of tea and cry into it for a while before I throw a wobbly.

During my tea making I thought about peoples definition of the word paranoia,

some tend to use the word freely to describe those that ask too many

awkward questions. I have come across this usage many times when I think

that the speakers tone is snappy perhaps I will ask if there is something wrong

and I am told not to be so paranoid. This disturbs me somewhat as this

affliction has sent my sensitivities flying out into orbit. The slightest sniff of a

tone that could mean I am for the high jump makes me cringe most of the

time and it is driving my partner crazy.

I cannot afford to ignore tones in speech, nor can anyone else that would like

social acceptance, as it defines reactions. Once taken the wrong way it could

start a war with some individuals, my nerves are slightly the worse for wear as

they are without the added taxation of offending people by accusing them of

talking down, or offensively to me without justifiable cause, not only that, a

twisted earlobe hurts and so does a poke in the eye.

As I see it, if one does not ask one does not know and I make no excuses for

needing to know if something is wrong. I suppose I do it a lot, so I can see

why some people become irritated by it. I suppose I could ignore some tones

but with the luck I have, that will be the time that I should have asked and will

repent at my leisure for it too, or am I just being paranoid?

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The human mind is a wonderful object it can play so many tricks but on who?

How can it trick me into acting strangely? Earlier today I was playing with one

of the cats on the dedicated work top by our front kitchen window when

suddenly someone appeared there and spoke to me.

It was someone I had not seen for a while, even so my reaction I think in

retrospect was strange.

He said that I had stared at him, then looked away after say hello and

addressing him by name and continued to play with the cat. I had thought

that it was my imagination and continued thinking to myself how bizarre this

was to have taken place.

I remember thinking that I would have to write the event down when he called

me by name and asked me if I was drunk. He was laughing and shaking his

head then he put his hand through the window and stroked Jess the cat and

suddenly seeing this made me realise that I had become so engrossed in our

playtime that I had forgotten about the open window and yes in fact there was

a real person standing there looking in at me.

What made me think that it was something worth writing down was the fact

that, I cannot remember the event taking place only part of it, such as thinking

how strange it was to have seen his face and that it appeared in my head like

a thought, not as some that was taking place in real time.

This happens a lot if I am concentrating, it does not feel like a day dream but

like switching channels on the television perhaps. The noise levels were not

that bad so what happens to cause such an event or is that quite normal

sometimes? Perhaps I analyse myself far too much or perhaps it is healthy.

At least I am keeping an active mind, wherever I am?

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me that it was either five past two or twenty five past two Am and that she is

probably in bed, I then must have blanked out as I remember no more.

After reading what I have just written here you would think that I would be glad

to see her at my bed side, and I apparently was until the day I signed myself

out. Yes that is correct I did sign myself out, what an idiot.

I had been under severe tension, what with all these men in black lurking in

the corridors and aliens flying about the solar system just waiting to get me. At

that point in time nothing made sense and the abduction theory would kick in

at the slightest cue. I had signed myself out because, I proclaimed, I would

be safe with her and that I would protect her and the animals (Yes I had

remembered them too) from the onslaught of aliens probably due to land in

Monmouth, only god knows what I was thinking at the time.

With warnings that I had to go home with and not anywhere on my own as I

was a risk to myself and other people, I was permitted reluctantly by the staff

to. They were not happy bunnies about this and they tried along with Jaci to

keep me there as long as possible, without tying me up, in the hope that my

mind would change, but no my mind was made up I was not waiting to be

made into an Cyborg, I was off.

The embarrassment that I caused Jaci was shameful, although we both laugh

at it now. She tells with amusement how, I would be pacing about getting all

flustered then as I approached yell abuse at her telling her in no uncertain

terms to go away and leave me alone as I knew she was an impostor,

probably a body snatcher in my mixed up little brain. The next minute I would

pass her by again as she sat patiently waiting the outbursts to cease and say

to her, hello Jaci and sit by her, next I would be off like a banshee striding

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along yelling at her to (ABUSIVE GUTTER LANGUAGE) go away. I have no

recollection of behaving in this way, I am so glad she understands.

After that was the journey home which I have no recollection just as with the

outbursts in the hospital. Jaci tells me that this was quite a journey and she

did not know if I would have another outburst so she was pleased when I

started to giggle then passed out.

Our neighbours were in their window as we pulled up and I have no

recollection of anything so I have had to rely on accounts from them and Jaci.

Our neighbours thought that I had suffered a stroke as I was hardly capable of

walking even aided and of course I had the palsy down my left hand side.

The other problem was my speech, I could hardly string a sentence together

and when I did it was often confused with misplaced meanings.

Her accounts of my behaviour were logged for a while so I had some idea of

things I did, for example I would eat things from the ground as a child does. I

would pick berries from trees and worry Jaci to death. I know I owe much to

her and credit where it is due, Jaci Thank you so much for looking after me

the way that you have, but it has been a laugh too although I only just

remember some things. It seems funny now because it seems that it was

someone else and not me. But it was me and there has been a vast

improvement since then and I seem to remember more happening even

though I do not know when. Jaci has me in stitches telling me what I did, she

is a good woman and has taken much in her stride, she did not have to but

she did.

It has been challenging, having to learn basic things again but second time

around is always much easier, or so it is said. Even as I am sitting here

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thinking about it, this depersonalisation disorder or reality displacement

torments me. There still could be a marginal probability that there is a

conspiracy and that we that have this disorder are being fobbed off, they sent

a man to the moon did they not? It never eases up and neither does the need

to be some place else, where ever that is.

I have not been feeling, for the want of an expression, my usual strange self

the last few days I think it might be. I try to keep track of days and times I

keep dates here and there, but that is the problem I become fatigued by all

the looking and finding and reading. I have tried to think of a way of stopping

this happening, I feel exhausted, semi-functional. The only thing I can think of

is that I have had a mild personal dilemma crop up and I have to think about

how to deal with it plus my solicitor has sent me a letter that made me think

that there is a problem and I cannot get these out of my head. Of course with

it come all the other symptoms such as anxiety, and odd feelings that I get,

such as not wanting to go out and certainly not travel in a vehicle, so I missed

out this week on two visits to the day unit and that is important to me.

I have promised myself that one Friday I will force myself to go, even if I have

to wear blinkers and take knock out drops.

The problem I am having typing is unbelievable, I am not the best in the world

however I am unusually bad today in that I am very slow. Noises are

distracting me and I noticed earlier how clumsy I was just drying a few dishes

and feeding the animals.

I think the amount that I have slept the last few days has improved on my

mental health as I played chess today, I did well actually, not bad. There

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Today just like many other days lately I have done nothing special apart from

hiding from the world or walking our dogs, bit of cleaning and gardening if you

call spraying them with… (I cannot for the life of me think of what it is called,

oh bugger.) it is an anti-fungal insecticide? That is the word I wanted, I used

an environmentally friendly one that will not kill wasps, bees or ladybirds and

I try to spray when the bugs are asleep so that there will be minimum pain I

hope so anyway.

I have slept quite a lot again lately. It goes like that I have noticed because I

have been keeping an events diary. I go over them now and again, I do not

know when the last time was exactly but I think it was recent.

When I find it I will have a look to see if there is a specific pattern developing

but there has not so far, as far as I know anyhow. However it does tend to

have a slight random pattern I suppose in that the same symptoms actually

reoccur and can be are accompanied by other symptoms, such as fatigue and

abnormal functioning on basic tasks, which is the random part. The

reoccurring part is that it goes from bad to good in circles. Clear as mud?

Good.

I am thinking that I am somewhat like a machine that needs topping up

something not unlike a cordless screwdriver I suppose. They are bloody

useless also. That statement means nothing though, it just restates

something that has been known for a long time. That does not help and it

does not make me feel any better.

Let me be rather candid here, what is the problem with me? Well let me think

at this time, as I have for god only knows how long, I have felt like an alien

from a very similar planet. My perception of the world has changed

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filtered some water into the kettle then switched it on. I can only hazard a

guess at how long I had been standing there waiting for the water to boil, I do

not remember it boiling or remember the noise it makes as I usually do.

I gradually became aware that KC was standing at my feet making low

throaty growling noises and she had her paw held up on my leg. My attention

was then drawn to my leg, it was scratched, bleeding ever so slightly but

burning like fire. I bent down and made a fuss of her to insure that she

understood that she was a good girl, I asked her what she wanted but she

turned around and walked off. I watched as KC left the kitchen her tail

wagging, I wondered to myself what she had wanted, usually this meant take

notice of me, but not today and why had I not felt KC clawing at my leg, then I

felt the kettle it was warm not hot it had time to cool down, perhaps I had

suffered a mild seizure and KC knew something was wrong. I can only guess

as to what she really meant to communicate but it would seem that as soon

as she got my attention and felt that I was fine, off she went to find her sister

Rizzo and the cats.

Odd behaviour is something that most of us display at some time in our lives,

every animal on this planet displays odd behaviour because we are all

individuals and unique unto ourselves very much of the way through evolution

and personal self, so at some point we all will carry out actions that others find

strange or what they assume to be out of character to individuals that they

meet or even know personally.

When an individual has a brain injury, it is possible to confuse odd behaviour

as a product of the injury and not the person. I have asked many people that I

know, such as close friends and family the question “I am displaying any

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something unique to your eyes only baby, and that’s cool so hang on to

it while you can.

9. When you throw a wobbly it’s like watching a three year old showing off

but its funny and it amuses me and everyone else that can see you.

You were not like this before.

10. It seems very odd that you have asked, you would not have

entertained the question of asking before. But you have always been

the odd one out, its you. Eccentric shall we say?

With friend like this I do not need enemies really and to put a finer point on it I

may as well ask the man in the Moon, so other than that I can report nothing

on any odd behaviour that I may have developed other than what I consider to

be a by-product of another condition, such as fatigue influenced by incoming

information that I am slow in dealing with.

I have noticed some changes that I feel I can only just keep control of, my

temper is one and my mouth the other. I have never suffered fools gladly and

I suppose that I never will, but since I came to land on this planet after the fall

I have one hell of an attitude problem with some people. I think the problem is

that my brain and mouth used to work together in harmony, a happy duo that

would battle with other brains and out of control mouths with ease. Now I feel

less confident at doing so, until I actually become so annoyed that it just

comes out what ever is on my mind.

Perhaps that is why it is said that I display such childish behaviour when I

think I should have my own way. Sometimes I cannot think quick enough to

defend my self verbally and I find it difficult to explain some things so I

become irate. I become frustrated quite easily then I lose the plot . Of course

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Cardiff International arena (where my nephew ice skates) or International

airport, but she argued that it had to be industries because international was a

newer word therefore it had to be Industries. This for some reason got my

back up, so I argued that even if that were true many younger people may not

know the label, to which she argued back that even today E.M.I is an ongoing

industry and the label would be known to which I replied, with my hand held

out to her, what ever. I then went to the study to sulk. Mmm how bizarre.

I have thought about this and although at the time I think nothing of it, in

retrospect it is certainly odd behaviour. I also think it strange that when asked

this has not come up. Although I get support in other ways I have no feed

back per se. I have to dig deep for conversation at the best of times but I

could do with a little help on keeping score sometimes, although she does let

me know when I have lost something or perhaps thrown something out that I

should not have. She frequently reports on how clumsy I am and how

confused I get, but nothing that helpful. It looks like I am going to further the

investigation, what can I tackle next.

News flash just in:

I was just asked a question to which I knew the answer it was something to do

with a river and which town stood on it. I answered correctly the Niger but the

reason I gave is that Timbuktu, (I can’t spell Timbuktu, hahaha and neither

can my computer which is funnier ), was in Canada which I know it is not.

The problem remains with me still I know that I knew where the Niger and

Timbuktu is but I cannot but help think that it is in Canada. Explain that one.

It is at times like this that the pattering of dogs and cats paws on the

laminated flooring annoys the hell out of me. The screen seems to have

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the nearest analogy I can arrive at. I enjoy it while it lasts, suddenly I start to

decline again. It seems as if there are four or five exceptional days where this

will take affect however over the next following days, depending on my

activities, duration time and how taxing the activities were influence the

duration of recovery. Or to simplify it, the number of Toffee days that I have

will depend on what I get up to during my good days. Where I seem to whiz

around like a ferret up the proverbial drain pipe, until I run out of steam again

et cetera.

I found written in my note book that a staff member said to me that I have a lot

of physical symptoms. I wonder what that means? Does it mean that not

many other patients have as many? Or was the statement just an

observation? Mmm I shall have to write in my note book to ask, I have no

doubt in my mind at all that I can ask this individual and get an honest answer

and it will not be a problem to ask either, this I have come to learn very quickly

and from the beginning, strange how one takes to some from the off.

This next entry is going to cause me problems at a later date as I have

travelled back in time to fill in some information I have found on head injuries

and seeing as I had last entered here about physical symptoms after head

injuries here it is. ( Information from Monday May 3rd.)

Cognitive symptoms caused as a result of a head injury may include:

slowed or reduced ability to process information

short or long term memory loss

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spatial disorientation

impaired judgment

reduced ability to concentrate

communication difficulties

Physical symptoms caused as a result of a head injury may include:

pain

seizures

muscle spasticity

headaches or migraines

problems with vision

balance problems

loss of smell or taste

speech impairment including slurring of words

fatigue or increased need for sleep

Emotional symptoms caused as a result of a head injury may include:

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one knows that it is bad behaviour, moreover, bad behaviour without

justifiable reason, which there usually is none, is unacceptable and most of

the time un-necessary. So why does it occur?

From personal observations, it is because I become annoyed at things. I think

at the time I am right, however in the face of evidence, sometimes, I am

wrong. I still say each time that Timbuktu is in Canada even though I know it

is not, but I cannot remember where it is and I know or have a deep feeling of

knowing, that I used to know.

Examples of such behaviour can be illustrated by scenario’s such as

arguments over when events took place, who was present at the time and

where items where placed as well as the irritating things that people do and

say. For example I might be getting along with potting up a few plants and as

far as I can tell I am completing the task correctly. A few minutes later and

some one intervenes just to let me know that I have done something

incorrectly and I will become hurt and irritated as I feel useless and totally out

of control of my life. I could at one time pot up tomatoes blind folded, but not

any more. You know, some feelings make me feel that I should be capable of

such things, so I ask Jaci, for example, “Did I used to be good at this? The

truth is I should not ask because if the answer is yes then I throw some right

wobblers. On the other hand is the answer is no, I suppose I feel less

inadequate and try harder. This posses another problem as I feel that my

ability to learn new tasks are slow and laborious, hence the feelings of being

worthless and useless.

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In my life at the moment words cut like blades. I could shrug off a comment

about the way I serve up in the kitchen, or the size of the portions I give Jaci’s

mum. It seems she never stops complaining about the way I go about things

and I try to explain about my perception but I am afraid that they think it is an

excuse. I find it so hard to feed the dogs let alone for two or three expectant

adults. I suppose it is my fault in a way as I wanted to do it because Jaci has

not been well lately and I feel as if I am of no help what so ever.

If I am not careful here this is going to turn into a moan rather then

observations but hey, I think I am long due a good moan.

I feel irritable right now actually, so lets get analysing. Over the weekend we

had quite a few visitors. I have not quite got over that and tomorrow I have to

go to Cardiff to the day unit at Whitchurch and the next day then on Friday for

Neuro.

I see by the clock it is 26th of April what happened to the 23rd and so on? Let

me try to think. Ah yes visitors. There were six people in the house over the

weekend plus the odd visitor that popped in and out, plus three cats and two

dogs. No wonder I feel drained. People are so taxing, noise is taxing

therefore I become tired and irritable. Then the inevitable happens and one

becomes less attentive to incoming information and before long the room is

spinning voices becomes white noise (Like hissing between radio stations)

and before you know it people are either trying to shake you or wake you

although more often than not, the brain closes down and the world takes

second place to trying to interpret the information that is already in place.

That is why perhaps I become irritable, but what about annoyances because I

feel that annoyances can be different and cause different behaviour, for

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It takes me longer to peel three medium sized potatoes, five carrots a small

suede, prepare a small cabbage and a small cauliflower than it does for me to

vacuum the lounge kitchen hallway landing and stairs.

I watch my hands go about the task of turning a potatoes in my hand as if I

were observing another species as it rolls the object around feeling its hard

and cold texture. It feels slimy thick and sludgy around where it and the skin

has made contact with the skin. I closed my eyes for a while and remember

thinking how much like potter’s slip it was but it did not feel smooth enough it

was abrasive and felt like soft sand among the sludge rather like textured

paint. My focus became drawn to the feeling that it gave me, it was not good

when I opened my eyes all I could think of was the horrible feeling of starch

and that wet potato feeling. I rushed to the sink to wash almost sending my

self onto the floor as the room spun round.

Every carrot every leaf of cabbage I felt and it felt as if I had to study each

one, texture and smell. In every sense of the word I was actually feeling what

I had hold of, not just holding it but my hands were inspecting it, feeling it and

they seemed quite happy, but slow and clumsy.

I suppose this all takes time and with a back log of incoming signals to be

encoded so there is no surprise then that when this happens to individuals

that have no idea what could be happening when they see themselves like

this and feel about themselves as they feel that they assume that they are

going insane. I feel lucky that my long-term memory did not become affected

in any way that would impair what I had learned from University, that would

have been such a loss and I none the wiser. As I reflect on that statement I

feel I should say that nothing I had learned could have fully prepared me for

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such as the ability to walk in a straight line, to feel at home some where, to

know what people are saying to you or even something as simple as drinking

tea and listening, which I find very difficult these days.

Today is Friday the 30th of April, I know that because I went to Neuro and I

checked before I went, as usual, on the computer before I had left in the

Ambulance service car, my usual mode of transport to the day unit.

The day went well as I remember, I look forward to going in another two

weeks time. I am feeling fatigued again today though and will more than likely

be in bed within the next hour or so. Then again I have some things that I

have to do, such as write this entry as I feel that today I let my mouth run

amuck and now the group think I need a relate counsellor.

For those of you that do not know, psychologists and psychiatrists have a

common goal but set out on varied and some times a very different pathway

to reach more or less the same conclusions, the therapies vary also and

where psychology will endeavour to prove that a problem comes from within

quite often a psychiatrist will say that the problem stems from the past. So I

have not really ever held bright views on group work and I for one can say

that telling my all to a group of strangers is not something I usually relish.

However, I think the therapy is starting to work on me as my mouth went into

over drive today.

I cannot believe I had a conversation about my private life and was so blunt

about it, that is not my style at all. And besides that if this ever gets back

home I will be dead and buried by next week. (Only joking) The only

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problem is I remember saying something, but I cannot remember exactly what

I said and what were just thoughts in my head. After all, I may just have been

dreaming and I will awake in the morning, get up, get in the car drive to work

and everything will be back to normal, in fact it is probably August and I had

better get the forms back off to Glamorgan this week some time and start

getting the applications out. So if I am dreaming, why the hell am I so tired

after doing anything?

Then never ending fear that the environment is unfamiliar, yet familiar has

become my Nemesis. Thoughts of combating it have become an obsessive

pastime. It has become a game of chess, on the one side sits my brain on the

other myself. But how can ones brain exist as a separate entity to ones mind

or as I had put it ones self? I do not understand, I make no excuses for not

understanding either as there are many complex faucets to the argument..

Psychologists and philosophers alike have battled through the ages in the

quest to find that same answer. Is the mind and brain separate entities that

can work as one and as totally independent components?

I suppose to really investigate one should start with a simple question, ah, but

such as what? What is it that I want to investigate about myself?

The question was, can the brain be separate to ones self? And the reason

why this question is being asked is because depersonalisation disorder calls

in to question the existence of self and reality, as well as the veracity of the

external world.

Carl Rogers (1902-1987), a psychologist based in client centred therapies

suggested that an individual will evaluate every experience in relation to that

individuals self concept. Not wanting to become to involved with these

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I can see by the clock that it is 1:47am and I am sitting here feeling rather

down and I find it very hard to settle down. I tried laying in bed but all I

managed to do was get all flustered and irritable, my eyes are irritable but I

want to go out, I know that does not make sense at all but it happens now and

again. It is like a rush of energy driven by an emergency to get out and be

somewhere else, as if I have been instructed to go somewhere specifically to

do some thing important, but I do not know where and I do not know what,

how bizarre is that?

I suggest that we all become a little like this now and again, but this has been

a persistent feeling since the accident that varies in severity and tonight it is

becoming a problem. I am tired but my heart is bumping about my ankle

joints and wrist joints are buzzing with electricity and my brain keeps planning

an escape route to god only knows where. Odd behaviour.

I have no clues to what catalyst left me feeling as I do but I do wish that it

would go away, it is driving me mad and earlier on I thought that I had lost my

appetite and found a donkeys. I ate a whole bag of marshmallows and I feel

sick and I just need to be out there, doing what ever.

I can imagine the state I would get into as it is raining, it is dark and I would

get lost or carted off to the cells by the police. Then they would have to bring

me home and ask Jaci to lock me up for safety, she in turn would ring

Whitchurch and before you know it, nice room over looking the Spar shop

across the road.

Ah I know, I could babble on about the awful dreams I keep having about the

staff of the day unit. I dream that when the other patients and myself are at

home sleeping, we are taken by the staff, who are really aliens from another

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that absences have something to do with Temporal Lobe epilepsy, that is

weird. I will have to investigate further and see what I can conclude from it all.

Good night.

Well here I am the second of May and I have just been informed that today is

not Friday but Sunday. Jaci has her son and daughter in law here to visit with

both their sons. The house is awash with noise and odours and to be honest I

am quite tired already and I wish my mate was home so that I could go and

hide around his place.

I have been outside until now re-potting tomato plants which I grew from the

seeds I dried from a tomatoes we bought from the store. I intend to grow

quite a few and sell them, ah my true potential has emerged, and I will

become a garden market grower and bugger the degree.

As I am sitting here I have my music on low in the background, there is

something about club and dance floor mixes that I find captivating. It is the

beat I think. If you think about it, even when in a foreign language people still

become engrossed in the beat, who needs words when you have a good beat

and a few simile faces, smiling is infectious and so is a good beat. Long live

Lisa Lashes and Dave Pearce, Faithless and the rest of them, not forgetting

the Judge.

I still have the feeling today that I need to be somewhere else, but it is not as

strong as it was last night, still I have been out with the dogs we went quite a

way today. All the way down the bottom of the park and I picked some

flowers for Jaci, aw! I felt quite unsteady today as I ambled along behind the

dogs, they are 13 years old now and it is showing especially on Rizzo, KCdog

still runs around trying to pull me over with the tug rope we have, I feel sad

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I keep pictures of all the animals in the study just to remind me that I am here

as they seem to be a big link to reality. If anyone reads this that has the same

thing happen to them let me give you some advice, you are not legally bound

to take but it is very worth the while to surround yourself with past

photographs of you and the people you left behind when you entered the

world of (DD).

My books on the shelf above the computer are beginning to distract me today

quite a bit, I feel the breeze coming through the window and I can hear the

birds singing, I do not wish the window to be closed as it is refreshing and as I

say I love to hear the birds singing. However I am distracted by this greatly

and I find it very hard to concentrate on what I am writing.

I have not felt so well after the seizure in the kitchen sometime this week, or

the weekend I can not remember when it actually was without asking.

The problem with the books is that they are picked up in the field of peripheral

vision and when my eyes are moving it makes it seem as if I am on board a

ship I do have problems with slight motion sickness, something again that I

have not experienced before. Even when I turn around to move or look at

some thing I feel as if I am being spun about, however this is something I am

assuming will never go as it has not improved much at all since I opened my

eyes the first time in intensive care.

That of course is not to say that the treatment I am receiving has not improved

my standard of living because it has. I find that the staff a tremendous team

and very caring, in truth, I would still be quite a mess if it were not for them. I

owe them such a lot and I am very grateful for their extensive help.

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Paul Davis and one of Richard Dawkins’s and all the edges in orange

bobbing around.

I have taken them away now out of sight. If this pile of junk ever becomes

published and I doubt that 99.99% I want the cover to be psychedelic pink

with lime green circles that spiral outwards so that all the head trauma people

have a wild time and fall over. Hahaha. Only joking people I know how

varying light shadings can affect ones eyes and brain.

Looking up is still very much a problem in that the fragments floating around in

the inner ear makes me giddy. I am becoming tired as I sit here putting my

thoughts into text. It is nearly 4pm and the new noises and smells are

becoming too much, I will be asleep before to long. I am in the study feeling

very fed up, irritable and again there is nothing I can do to alleviate this

feeling. I think the fact that it is cloudy and there has been very little Sun light

today has something to do with this creeping feeling of doom and gloom that I

know is coming, I can feel a pity party coming on, all for me.

It is at times like this, I feel, that one needs support from someone that will

understand, if you are lucky enough to have someone that you can ask for a

hug and know that it is meant.

If on the other hand you are unfortunate enough to have an ice king or queen

as a partner then one relies upon other things such as food, alcohol, not that

many of us drink as the medication so often dictates that alcohol is forbidden.

Bright lights are tools for setting moods. Go out and buy a Sun lamp one of

those table top ultra violet lights (UV rays are know to pick up moods by

feeding the body with much needed vitamins to keep the immune system

running smoothly.) I have not got one I have to admit but as soon as I can I

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will. You see, I have asked for one but I forget that I want one until the

subject crops up. Speaking of lights, you might be surprised to know that if

the lights are dim you feel dim, if the lights are bright you will feel light too or

am I just babbling the obvious now? I find that when the weather is bad and

depressing I turn on the halogen lamp and it brightens the room up making

me feel less gloomy.

Scents are said to have qualities that enhance ones mood, I have not tried it

myself but I can see where they are going with it. Memories can be evoked

from smells as I have mentioned before in the story of the lecturer discussing

such memories from his childhood and the smell in the refectory. (poor man,

could not have been cabbage on the menu that day could it, sods law.)

I have noticed lately that I look around quite a lot, this makes me quite dizzy

as I have probably mentioned time and time again. I think I keep looking at

things to check if they are still there and the same as before. I keep thinking

that they will change or something, I do not really know why I check it is at the

best a guess. What ever the motive it makes me quite giddy I try very hard to

move my head with my eyes, I sometimes feel quite robotic like robo cop or

some other droid or Cyborg. I hope it clears up one day, I suppose I will

become accustom to it before it goes of its own accord, one never can tell

with this type of injury I have been told.

The house is much quieter now but today has taken its toll and I am feeling

slow my speech is barely audible, the only thing I can do right now funnily

enough is type and that is because it is already in my head what I want to say

and I have only to find the right keys and I am away.

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doing anything. I do not wish to converse with anyone and I certainly do not

want to go out. The invisible band around my head has tightened up today

and I feel as if the temples each side of my head are filled with liquid. I grunt

around the house looking for something to eat as I have woken up with

someone else’s appetite just to keep mine company and together they will

munch the day away.

I would really like to go and sleep right now, so I think I will. It is now 14:48

pm and I have not lifted a finger today as yet, I am finding myself becoming

more and more fatigued and tomorrow is Tuesday and I have a long day

ahead of me so I think I had better sleep for a while

It is now 17:42 and as yet I have only been able to fall asleep in the car as

Jaci and her mum were bored. This meant that an outing in the car was

approaching and seeing that I have almost run out of excuses other than

contracting the plague I will have to go as I do not wish to seem rude. I did

not enjoy the journey I now feel totally knackered and very irritable.

I feel as if I am moving from side to side and unsteady. I really wish that I had

stayed here. I am off to bed.

It is Sunday the 9th of May. There has been no entry until today because I

have not been feeling the best and have stayed upstairs by myself quiet a lot

for the last few days.

I think I am suffering from mild depression and trying to shake the feeling is

almost unbearable. I could visit friends but I just cannot be bothered. I have

tried to read without much success, I just find it difficult to focus for even a few

minutes and I have this unpleasant feeling of dread, it seems just like being

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homesick. As a teenager to get away from my father I travelled to Kenya and

spent a good two years there I really missed being with my mother and sister

and the feeling I am going through right now is similar to that.

I even feel different about my life over the last few days I can not be bothered

to do anything and I am not concerned about anything, I even refused to walk

the dogs. Last night I sat playing on a few racing games then I fell asleep.

Pretending to be happy is taxing, last night I sat in bed in not saying a word

just staring into space letting my head do what ever it wanted, such as

thumping and banging noises, weird thoughts buffering around my mind like

films repeating over and over.

It is a lonely feeling, just sitting here not being able to communicate how one

is feeling. The funny thing about human beings is that they all inquire how

you are, but you know that secretly they are hoping that you do not tell them

and if you do all you get is ums and I get that.

I have been playing driving games in the hope that I can improve enough to

drive again. I am willing to try anything I in desperation over the fact that I can

no longer drive but, I would not want to injure anyone either, so I will have to

keep at it. It is taxing though and requires much sleep afterwards.

Today for the first time since the accident I went out for lunch, I had a starter

which consisted of a small, very small lamb sausage on a stick and a slither of

chicken on a stick with a pot of sour cream with some Nachos while Jaci and

her mother where eating their lunch, then, I had the ultimate chocolate

challenge Mmm how yummy was that, although I did share it with Jaci she

had only a small amount of the ice cream so I have pigged out today quite a

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head injury and my dreams represent the life I want to live and not the one I

have now, do I believe them or not?

What proof can anyone give me that what I am experiencing is not real? I feel

that nothing is really real anyway.

What is to say that I am wrong other than photographs and secondary

information, there is not one shred of evidence that tells me that I should not

be anywhere else and I certainly do not feel at ease in my environment,

perhaps I am just on a downer today but it is getting worse and worse I am so

fed up with it all. I think I will just go back to sleep.

The noise around here is tremendous today, children screaming skateboards

rumbling ice cream vendors all vibrating around my skull. Thursday had been

just as bad and as sods law likes it, I met up with a grumpy fart of a chap that

had a bee in his bonnet over a parking space that he assumed had his name

on it at the dental department, at another hospital in Cardiff.

Yesterday we had to go to Newport City the crowds of people in one place at

one time was a little more than levels of tolerance would allow. Becoming

claustrophobic and disorientated by the swaying and movement of the crowds

overwhelmed my senses so a hasty retreat to the car forced us to cut short

the shopping trip.

Thinking back over the feelings that I had experienced I was very relieved to

be outside, I had felt as if I could hardly breath. I could not swallow as my

throat had completely dried up and my pulse rate had shot through the roof so

had my tolerance levels hence the swift exit before I exploded. It is very

difficult lately to be patient with people.

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It is Wednesday the 12th of May today and I knew I would not be attending the

day unit yesterday evening. I could not go, full stop. I slept through the alarm

clock but would have been up in time to have gone, but I did not want too I

need to be left alone for a while. I need some where to go, but where? I visit

two friends that play chess. They live in a world of noise, I am in desperate

need of some quite. I feel very sluggish, when I walk the muscles in my legs

are tight.

I tried sitting over the park but the grass was being cut, and other activities

that folk carry out in the Sun shine interfered with my thoughts feelings and

other senses so I left. I feel the urge to think about something but I do not

know what.

I sit here now with ear plugs in, that has become irritating too. I can hear my

breathing and the noises in my head such as nerves banging and the Tinitus

bells and sirens going off ten to the dozen between whining and whistling.

Put a nice Ibiza beat to that and we are on to a winner. Shame about the

head ache though. I wish this feeling, that there is some important matter that

I have to sort out, would ease up at least.

I went to the day unit yesterday. I think I am quite good at hiding my feelings

and emotions now. I smile and listen and laugh, but today I could not have

coped I feel quite fed up with everything including the travelling. I get

extremely fatigued holding a conversation with anyone although I tend to

engage in conversation rather than sit in silence and seem offish with people

but sometimes it is too taxing. I also think that when I feel as I do I should

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so sure at all these days that I am not right but then again what is being

covered up?

It is the 4th of June and I am at the end of my tether. I feel quiet depressed

about it all. This feeling that I no longer belong, the feeling that nothing is

right is starting to get to me.

I need to be with my own kind, who ever they are and I have to find a way

before it is too late I know this seems very dramatic but I am becoming rather

desperate and I have no one to talk to about it.

It is now the 6th of July and much has happened since the last entry. I know

this as I have written it down but unfortunately, I failed to insert dates and

times. I feel no existence of time, I am oblivious to the time span that I have

waited in a queue or just how long I travel to and from the day unit. I suppose

that is one less thing to worry about, less taxing is a bonus.

I suppose it does present a problem in that some events will have taken place

at different times to what I write, so use that last sentence as my disclaimer.

At some point my medication was altered and I am still waiting for something

to happen. The medication is supposedly able to lessen the feeling I have

with the (DD). My Epilim stays the same dosage, although lately I have had a

few more seizure than normal, those that are noticed that is.

This new medication is replacing the Cipramil I had been prescribed and are

called Venlafaxine (Efexor). I was surprised to find that they come only in

37.5mg or 75mg. The chief whip ordered a 75mg dose to start with and see

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if things change, I hope it works I am desperate for it to work. I wonder if I

believe that these are some wonder drug will I have a placebo effect? One

never knows the brain can sometimes be fooled as I am aware.

One of the other things that has improved greatly is my balance, I find it much

easier to walk unaided in a quiet room now. It is just outside the problem

begins. I am much more stable than before I started at the physio-therapy

unit. I know that I still have a long way to go before I will be able to go very far

on my own, however this has much to do with external movements of my

surroundings rather than it being a physical problem.

The floor moves under my feet, so I have over come this problem by learning

how to walk with my feet and ankles lose rather than a tight step. It is difficult

to explain but if you think of a shock absorber that is as close as I can get. It

is not just a case of having floppy feet per se, but it is. Mmm.

My hands still feel out of proportion too, although I notice it more on the left

side as with my feet and nose. Also I feel as though I take too much notice of

things such as, noise I just wish it would go away. And, I feel so bloody

home-sick it makes me feel quite sad sometimes.

Actually I have just thought about something. The other evening Jaci’s

Daughter and son-in law’s cat caught an adolescent bat that could not fly,

after searching the net I found the number of the bat help line and as luck

should have it we were helped by two expert volunteers, one that came to our

rescue with a local number to ring (Collin) and the other (Ian) who dashed out

to our rescue. Snipping the story short, I was allowed to look after the bat.

The point is I have just realised that I had held the bat for feeding in my left

hand at one point and he seemed to be bigger. I have also noticed this

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feeling when trying to weigh something up in my hand, such as apples or

tomatoes, Mmm.

Slowly I am overcoming some obstacles by being positive, using other

individuals feedback and something’s I notice myself, such as being rather

lop-sided when walking. That is something that only occurs when I am

becoming fatigued.

I still have much to improve on and I know it is not going to happen over night

but I need to get back to normal, or where ever I should be? I am sitting here

rubbing my eyes and wondering what the hell is going on. I seem to have

these mini epiphanies explode into my head suddenly. For example, I may be

sitting in the garden and suddenly I just feel as though I am shocked at where

I am, I cannot explain why this happens and I do find it worrying and

embarrassing on times.

I suppose it is not unlike waking up to find that you are on the sofa rather than

the bed that you had assumed you were sleeping in before you had dropped

off to sleep. Sometimes it is quicker than others to fix the situation and pick

up on what was going on before the mini shut down took place.

Sometimes however it takes quite a few minutes to come around but usually it

is a few seconds. One such incident happened while I was in the kitchen

pouring out a glass of squash. For a few seconds I lost the plot, when I came

to I glanced around the room, looked down at my feet only to find KC one of

our dogs to be soaking wet (with squash). During those few seconds I had

lost all consciousness of my surroundings and I obviously had no idea that I

was pouring squash over the dog. It would be funny if it were not true but the

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consequences of this happening had it been boiling water from the kettle is

terrifying. I could have scalded her, point made?

While fumbling through a pile of papers earlier I came across a note that I had

written to my self about two men I met over the park playing ball with their

dog. I had our two dogs with me and as most doggy people do we speak to

each other, pet each others dogs and so on.

During the conversation I found out that they were both interested in the

U.F.O phenomena and other Para-psychological events and occurrences.

They began to tell me about sighting in the Cinderford area of Gloucester I

listened as I find all this interesting, not because I believe but it is interesting

stuff. The one giving the details of the events mentioned that he had been in

his bedroom listening to a CD suddenly he felt a vibration he looked about him

wondering what was going on. The next he remembered was the CD had

stopped. He went to investigate as he did so he glanced up at his wall clock

to find that an hour had passed.

He seemed genuine enough, his eye contact was appropriate for a truth teller

and his speech flowed without pauses errs and ums. He had nothing to gain

from this for all he knew I could have taken him for an idiot but he took the risk

of telling me and the strange thing is this. The approximate date that he gave

was around the 16/17 of August about two years ago. He remembered as he

had been out with friends to celebrate his brothers birthday.

Okay, it could be coincidence but you have to admit I am in a hole here and I

need some rope to get out of it but I think that clinging to this line of theory

could have me locked up in a nice white coat with nice shining buckles. Who

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He was taken to a hospital, had signed himself out as he was sure that

something was not right. This was confirmed by the other three.

I asked what made him so sure that the government was behind this and

although I did not fully understand his logic listened all the same.

The story goes thus, the military and the government are swapping sick

people and those sub-citizens (his words not mine) for highly classified

information regarding psychological warfare and that aliens from another

galaxy were willing to swap this information for people from Earth. The point

is, am I one of those people?

The woman with them told me that although it sounds incredible all I had to do

for proof is look on the internet and I will see that there are many other people

looking for an answer to the same problems that I described to them and all

four of them had given up their lives to travel the country looking for the truth

in the hope that their symptoms can be eradicated for good.

One of the men told me that his mother and father had been mind controlled

for years and that through a fateful error he had found this out. Apparently his

brother had fallen from the roof while replacing a broken tile. On seeing his

son fall from the roof, his father had used a shock technique to help his son

land safely (by telepathic control kind of thing) again his words not mind.

He went on to say that a few people saw this and questions started to pile up,

after a day or so his father had died. There was no apparent reason for this

as he was a very fit man for his age. I asked him if there had been a coroners

report? To which he answered yes there had been but nothing was found, not

even a suspected heart attack. (oh boy, here we go again what the hell do I

believe?)

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After a good while I said that I would have to get back home as I had no idea

how long I had been out and seeing as KC was pawing my leg I figured that

we had been sometime and that Jaci would be worried about me.

I said my good byes and be safe warnings as I turned to leave they told me

that they were leaving on the 20th, which would be a Friday and if I wanted to

go with them I could meet them at the garage at 2pm.

As soon as I returned home I wrote the time, date and place on my computer.

I went to bed early that day as I had much to contemplate but unable to

concentrate on one idea I went on line and searched for the websites that

they had told me about, and guess what I found? Millions of conspiracy

theories ranging from the down right absurd to the possible.

I kept thinking that if I went with them I would not feel like I do, home sick and

isolated. Perhaps they are right, what if some how I found out the truth

behind this supposed accident, I mean to say I remember nothing about it at

all. If no-one else around me knows about this government mind exchange

program and lets face it would you believe it until something happens to you?

No of course not, however science always catches up with science fiction

does it not? We have space exploration and remote viewing used by the F.B.I

to locate missing persons Etc, so who am I to judge? I am but a porn.

(Wow…Drama)

Struggling with ones mind is cognitively taxing and it has shown as I have

slept for hours and hours this week already after all this going on in my head.

Then came the worse nightmare, shopping day.

I hate shopping, there are people and trolleys colours and lights. Trying to

stand up is a challenge let alone dodging oncoming shoppers that seem to be

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blind to the fact that they have just clipped you or jabbed ones arse with a

basket.

We usually shop in Cardiff Asda, but today we went to Cwmbran. I have not a

clue as to why, but there always seems to be a zillion people travelling at 50

mph in all directions. I found that I could not cope and after becoming rather

aggressive, was sent to the car by Jaci before I felt the need to massacre a

few shoppers just to thin out the numbers.

I swayed my way outside to find that I could not remember where we had

parked. I sat for a while on the pavement thinking about how we arrived here,

which way were we facing and what bloody colour the car is.

I watched a small bird land on the curb across from where my sad backside

had slumped down and guess what, there was the car. (Hey hey magic)

I slept most of the way home and slept all evening on the sofa, then I went to

bed and crashed out until late the next day.

By then my head was exploding, should I meet those people or not? If I stay

will I kick myself for evermore? I decided that I needed help on this one and

seeing that I had asked the audience and spent my 50/50 I decided to use my

phone a friend and rang the neuropsychiatry day unit at Whitchurch. So you

see I am still logically thinking about all this.

I was not quite sure who to tell or ask but Fran seemed a good idea as for

some reason I quite trust her. Leon answered and seeing that I suspect him

of being an alien opted for my first choice and asked for Fran.

I did not really know just how to start this conversation and I felt a little stupid

but it is a psychiatric unit so if I seem a little crazy, so what?

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I got the impression that Fran’s head fried after I babbled down the phone to

her (poor sod), she in turn passed me on to Michelle a very good cognitive

psychologist that is familiar with my case.

After spilling the beans I thought to myself, well that was stupid, what if I am

telling the wrong one here, but not being able to process too many things at

the same time I just babbled away as best I could. Needless to say I am still

here and have not run off on a quest just yet, however there is still time I

suppose. (just joking).

I do trust her judgement as I have no reason not to trust her and she has one

of those faces that looks trusting and friendly so what the hell. I have taken

advice from Michelle before and as yet there have been no adverse impacts

so why should not trust her.

It is amazing how many thoughts can enter ones head while trying to decide

whether to run away with Moulder, Scully and crew.

I think that I was right, in retrospect, to take Michelle’s reassuring advice to

stay put, but earlier on today I could not help but wonder about what might

have been had I gone along with them.

I remember my mother telling me as a child not to wander off with strangers

and I suppose in today’s society who knows what could have happened I

may have been raped beaten or killed or worse all three. Or on a more

happier note I could have been taken home, where ever home is.

Yesterday I slept quiet a lot I think I spent about four hours awake and today I

feel much more able. I have noticed that the imaginary bulges at the sides of

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my head feel huge today as they did yesterday but the one side feels smaller

than the other.

My left side feels bigger all over in fact and I have had quite a problem getting

around the door frames as I tend to wander sideways as if on a slope. I have

not given this much thought as I tend to deal with problems that occur in

levels of severity and environmental topographical issues stand at the back of

the queue when your life seems unreal and run by aliens from another

dimension. I have a bruise on my arm where I bumped into the hand rail on

the stairs and a bump on my leg from launching myself off the wardrobe door

as I ricochet across the room. I must have tried three or four times to get

around it, why the hell did I not just close the bloody thing?

I have had strange dreams lately. I usually go back to the same place with

the same individuals just as if I have a life else where but lately they have

began to get real weird and consist of people that I interact with at the day

unit, for instance I dreamt that Fran and I were at a wedding and stealing

wedding cake. We were stuffing bags and bags of cake that we had pinched

into the boot of Jaci’s car. I woke myself laughing and sniggering away. (I

raise my eyes skywards, where will it all end? Sectioned I reckon in a nice

white jacket with shining buckles, something to keep me warm I suppose) .

27th of August

I have had a bad few days and I had a visit from the police after being

involved in a scuffle over the park. In fact I went wild on a guy in his fifties

over a black Labrador. He was beating and kicking her. I had warned him on

a number of occasions. Today, I just flipped I pushed him away from the dog

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propensity to sting than a person wishes to punch another for being nice to

them. Another close friend asked me what happened to my old self once and

I did not understand. I was told that the old me hated wasps, perhaps the old

me died. Was I that awful?

It has crossed my mind a few times that I am dead, that wasps are alien ships

controlled by tiny alien beings and that most things on this planet are only

there because people put them there. Animals are better off in their natural

environment and that the human race is a virus rather than an animal as it

kills off its host just the same as we collectively do. I also tend to wonder

does everything serve a purpose quite frequently trying to piece together what

purpose being brain injured could serve. Then after much thought and

deliberation I usually fall asleep.

I wonder why I wonder about such things, other people I ask, what do you

think about tell a very different story. Perhaps I have nothing better to do? I

tend to think it is because I really do wonder why many things happen

because it is all relatively new to me. And to quote the best math teacher in

the whole of the Royal Forest of Dean College’s history, “clear as mud?” Yep.

Not to put so finer point on my dilemma, I am stuffed. I fail to find it amusing

anymore and I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I want to find that I belong in this world after all. I would like to get bored with

trees just like the people I integrate with daily and remember my old route

home from town. I no longer want to be amused by my mates speaker but

even as I write this, I cannot remember what it looks like or where it is placed

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all I have to remind me of it is a small piece of paper telling me that this is a

problem that I should include in this work.

I would love to think that it was me that got that degree and it is me on the

video that I cannot watch. I hate the fact that I am not sure that it is me.

I did see the film once just to prove a point but it made me paranoid and ill for

weeks. It brought with it nightmares week after week, the same scenario. I

had been replicated and forced to work for a bunch of psychologist that had a

hidden agenda a plot enfolded by the CIA and FBI to use remote viewing and

psychological warfare to take out the Middle Eastern countries for the oil. (OH

MY GOD) If I could write it down it could be a seller you know.

The reality of it all produces night sweats, sleepless nights and restlessness

throughout the next day until fatigue clicks in and I fall asleep, usually on the

sofa because I fear going to bed, and I have no clue as to why that is either as

when I am in bed I usually hate getting out. (Mmm strange)

Today is the 21st and it has been a rotten night to follow a rotten day and it

has just got worse. After watching the news last night I could not sleep, the

pictures of an American hostage being decapitated by Iraqi’s were more than I

could stand. My brain tormented me with thoughts of his family and what his

final moments were like. What drives these people?

The next blow came while walking our dogs. I met up with a close friend’s

partner looking for their cat, they had both been looking all day and after

phoning around the vet nary surgeries in the area found that their cat was

dead. I hate seeing them so upset, I keep crying too. She was a very special

cat and they both doted upon her. I loved her too, such a chatty little thing.

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Think if it were the other way around, would you see your loved one eat things

from the floor? No, you would try to put a stop to it. Or perhaps laugh at them

when they wear their knickers on back to front? Of course you’d bloody

laugh. The point is, we all share emotions and when you love someone and

care for them, sometimes one can become overly bossy. The fact is, we are

all bossy at sometime, however it will seem worse to us that have

depersonalisation because everything is magnified and sometimes way out of

prospective, is that not correct?

Admitting that one is wrong takes a lot of grimacing and hugging of ones soul.

Saying sorry to some is an easy way out of much. For those of us of rare

usage, it takes far longer to heal I can tell you. If I say sorry, then I am.

I have never been one for handing them out like pills. However since I have

been going to Whitchurch I seem to be handing them out a good deal. The

question is why?

To answer that I must first propose that it my recovery that is influencing this

as bit by bit I have been proven wrong on many things, such as arguing a

point that I suppose is justified only to find that I was completely, barking, at

the time to even suggest such a thing.

That may seem quiet harsh on myself, however I have to learn to rationalise a

little more before I drive everyone around the twist and alienate myself from

this world I have become trapped in. I cannot do this quantum leaping around

through these bloody parallel universes any more. I am far too old for this

even at forty one years old.

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After weeks of going to the day unit I think it is about time to assess just how

well I am doing. I like to think that I have undergone changes for the good

and I am sure that I have.

First of all physically I am a lot more able. I also feel that I no longer require

physiotherapy. I manage well these days although in crowds I falter and

become quite sea sick still after so long.

I think it was Thursday that Jaci and I went up town. The winter sun shine is

far more harshly blinding than the summer sun. Something to do with the

amount of ice particles and much thinner air I suspect. Any how, I was

ejected from the car opposite our bank with an amount of money to pay in

along with our account book. Fine. I closed my eyes slightly trying to focus

on vehicles going by, trying to judge just how far away and at what speed they

were travelling towards and away from me. The problem that I still have is, by

the time I have looked to my left I often forget that I have looked and

sometimes stand there for minutes trying to decide if I have checked both

ways. Just another point in the same category is the fact that I quite often

behave in the same way when checking to see if the heating is on, or, did I

turn it off?

Three times I walked up and down the stairs before Jaci asked me what was

wrong. I explained my dilemma. She suggested I write it down on paper in

the kitchen and bring the paper up with me so as to clarify. Leaping with joy I

bolted back down to the kitchen, checked to see if I had turned off the heating,

which I had done (probably on the first go). I searched for a pen, wrote a

note, ran up to our room and guess what? I had forgotten to switch off the

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have had to keep reminding myself that I did psychology and other things I

would be a millionaire by now, but, what else do they do?

I am not really sure, I try to think about the applications of occupational

therapies but draw a blank. So if I studied how come I fail to recall that

information? Medical staff, consultants and other like minded individuals

including my partner tell me that it is due to the extensive injuries caused by

the accident. I can not stop analysing still. I beat myself up over ideas and

theories that run riot through my head each and every woken second, it slows

me down physically but mentally I am enthused to let it wash over me, then I

remember nothing at all.

I have learned to recognise when I shut down. Just as a machine closes

down I shut off when overload is pending. Where I go I cannot say. This is

simply why, it is because I do not know.

To illustrate my explanation of events as they occur to me is simply best dealt

with by a familiar television program called, “Quantum leap”. I had been

flicking around sky trying and cure a bout of negativity and decided to watch

Quantum leap. For those unfamiliar with the program, Sam id a guide that

helps a chap that somehow is I need a guide like Sam to let me know what is

going on when I leap into someone else’s place.

Perhaps it is not as bad as the program because normally I know the people

around me but it is the only analogy I can think of. However I still get feelings

of this nature but they do not appear to worsen so I remain unworried (ha

bloody ha) and chilled as usual about it and just let the thought go wild

around my head. Until I meet with the cognitive psychologist on Tuesday for

our usual hour of brain storming and things.

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She is my tow rope through a lake full of pig shit. Cognitive therapy, ever

heard of it? Let me explain with the use of a book I found among my

belongings.

Its title is “The Blackwell Dictionary of Cognitive Psychology”. From what I

can make out it from the introduction cognitive psychology is probably as

young as 20 to 25 years old and has limited applications in various ways in

that individuals using this therapy would only investigate specific age and

gender in short, there selection seems limited rather by a large margin.

In the introduction it, suggests to me, that because of this rather small sample

of subjects there came criticism from many other psychologists from various

schools of practice, thus the false ideology that cognitive psychology had little

or no use in real life situations and was until more recent times not given the

credibility that it should have been given.

So what does it mean exactly and how is it going to help me with

depersonalisation and derealisation? I could say that cognitive therapy helps

me to recall memories in my past, however sometimes I feel as if I could have

been wrong, I feel very aware of the falsifying of memories and how easy it is

to elicit a memory from even a smell or someone else’s perspective. I would

rather not become too technical as I find complexities fatiguing.

I become confused rather easily when having to research my correctness on

a subject I feel I should know well. This time I feel as if I should really know

how to explain cognitive therapy and how it is applied in my case, but it fails

me right now and I think perhaps a rest is in order.

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After an hour or so of closed eyes on the bed just doing nothing but resting

and eating chocolate digestives of course they were eaten for the feel good

factor, purely medicinal you understand, err um.

I used my time to try and understand what it is I am trying to explain here and

what the hell brought me to babble on about cognitive psychology. The point

is cognitive psychology or cognitive psychiatry, when ever cognition is

mentioned you can be sure it has all aspects of the mind involved including

focus and attention, re-learning how to use what you already know to uncover

what you may have forgotten how to remember, got that?

I suppose it is like uncovering a secret level that opens a platform to

information you assumed lost forever.

With the help of a cognitive councillor one can achieve and attain basic goals.

So what have I achieved since I have been undergoing therapy? Honest

opinion, I have not the foggiest idea without reading back over this. I suppose

it could be argued that I have learned to listen more. This sometimes is

difficult as there are so many things going on in my mind that it is difficult to

converse with direct links from one idea to another and I often become

confused about where to start. On the other hand some days I get along fine.

It depends on the distractions and what I have been doing or if it has been

quite cold.

Today is Monday the twenty second of November. I have noticed a change in

my behaviour and I feel as if I have been on fast forward for the last few

hours, something strange happened earlier on today. I realise that my

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sleeping patterns are out of control but today I feel as if I cannot settle and

must stay awake but I am absolutely shattered.

I slept earlier in front of the TV as usual as of late but this sleep was different

as I knew I was asleep but also felt awake, does this make any sense at all, to

anyone out there? Hello, help me!

I failed to keep track of events passed history seems to be there one moment

then gone the next. Yet another slap in the mouth for me as I admit another

symptom of brain damage that I have now come to over look as, normal

behaviour for me.

I hurt like fuck inside, please excuse the colourful phrase. For me to think that

I may be like this for a long time to come is killing me. Each and every second

of my life seems to be consumed by this strangeness that I have no

explanation for. I have tried to come to terms with the fact that my thought

processes are slower and my reactions to external stimuli awkward and out of

character with every day, behaviours. The fact is I feel as if I have so much to

deal with I just cannot cope.

My head hurts most of the time, I become fatigued still which does not help

my sleeping patterns either. This often leads to comments I wish not to hear

from certain quarters and so I become anxious if I have slept in the day time

due to a genuine fatigue attack: which I hasten to add could happen through

the strangest and trivial of events or happenings.

Is it that I took so much for granted in a passed life? That is exactly how I feel

about who I am, where I am and what I am here to do. (The passed life, of

course, being my life before falling down the fire escape.)

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I had always wanted to write perhaps this was the final kick up the rear for me

to do something with my degree or something, who knows. Who cares?

Why is life so complex here, suddenly I feel as if I can not shut down, it is

unbelievable because I am really tired and want to go to bed, but something

will not let me go.

I do mean such as an entity or strange alien phenomena but just a feeling

from no where. It is twenty passed seven. I have been awake since

approximately eight to eight thirty and probably went to sleep about three in

the afternoon. This I remember because I had been invited to watch the

football at Al’s but I phoned him to say that I was too tired and was going to

sleep. I remember lying down but I drifted in and out of sleep as if I was

micro-sleeping, but for a long time.

Now I am worried that if I go back to bed I will sleep until late and then Jaci

will be a bit annoyed I think as she is an early bird. This sleeping for days on

end then not being able to sleep, it could be argued, is due to a lack of

stimulation both mental and physical.

In my case I fail to see the connection as I get very much of both but I agree

that it is mental stimulation that is half the problem and the physical activity

comes in short bursts which burn me out. The mental aspects of having

depersonalisation or derealisation, is that one finds everything stimulating and

it is extremely hard to cope with: especially with the compulsions that

accompany such fascinating incoming stimuli. Here is one such occasion

such as being compelled to type every thought that I am having right now, and

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that, is why I am babbling I suppose. Well, at least it is constructive. No point

in writing something that gives no insight is there?

I am thinking of going to bed now as I can hardly keep awake but as soon as I

get up there one of our cats will start crying to have the end cupboard door

opened and the dogs will get up and walk around and I will disturb her and

that will be that, oh god lets go for it. Shit, it’s eight in the morning it is light

and I feel as if my head is going to explode. And now I need to go to sleep

and guess what, I should stay up, but I am hopeless at staying awake lately

and we have to go up town today. (Oh my god)

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20th of December today, I have just looked at the calendar. It has been quiet

frustrating lately. I am trying again to tackle the problem of cold weather. It

inhibits my functioning.

I get real slow while out and about no matter what I seem to wear the cold

gets into my head and turns my grey matter into ice slush.

We went to the Christmas party today, well I thought Jaci was going to bust a

gasket laughing.

She probably realises now just how fatiguing it is being with the other patients

let alone carrying out therapies and physiotherapy. By the time I get home I

am absolutely bushed and ready for bed, more often than not I sleep on the

way home in the car.

This evening, while waiting for the return of Nadia our wandering Bat (Alias

Houdini) I reflected somewhat upon the event

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It is the 23rd of December today. I have no real idea of what is going on

around me. I think I am having a toffee day today, bit by bit over the weeks I

have been slowing down.

The worst part of slowing down is that it does not happen over night. It is

quite a long winded shut down effect. I have no idea if there is a variation in

the length of time it takes me to get to the lowest point from my highest.

I thought I had kept a diary but I have searched most places and it does not

appear to be the case.

Today was horrendous my energy has been used up trying to combat mad

shoppers, twinkling lights, and demented lunatic children. The wind was quite

cold but the Sun was sharp and hurt my eyes. I tried to make out what I was

looking at but it was difficult to see with all the lights and shards of laser lights

coming at me from all angles.

The swinging signs in the shops is enough to put me promptly on my

backside, however I am much better than I used to be, so I am told by all that

know me here on this strange new world.

I started to get irritated by the sea of bodies that I seemed to be swimming in

all around the store. I had no clue to why we were there, my speech went

slurry and I felt it was time for a breather.

I could see my partner becoming concerned but we had reached our third

destination and I was buggered if I was going out tomorrow, so I had to see it

through. I hate Christmas.

I see no relevance in Christmas if one shares no religious beliefs and to add

further who the hell is Farther Christmas, no one knows do they!

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similar in part to the effects of which I am left with in that he too thought he

had been abducted after he came around. He though, was on life support for

ten days apparently. I wonder if he realises just how many people are left like

that or even worse.

I feel bad for him and all others in the same boat as I know what it is like. I

still look at the world through new perspectives. The world has changed, but I

cannot understand why it is taking so long for me to adjust, or for something

just to feel real would be nice. It failed in the story to say if his symptoms are

persistent or not. He says that he had problems with noise.

I hear noises that no one else hears when I ask if they can, I feel things that I

cannot explain, or that no one else understands. For instance, when it

becomes cold I feel as if a tight rubber suit has been put around me, then

slowly I become slower in speech and movement.

The next stage is confusion and the next stage is a complete blank most of

the time and the only reason I know this is because of other peoples accounts

of what I am like or I have woken up hours later only to be told that I had

commented how badly I needed to sleep and went out light a light.

The consequence of such behaviour is just another thing that stops me

getting behind the wheel of a car. Even with epilepsy it is still possible to

hold a licence, good control and a year free of seizures. If for a second I

stopped responding due to fatigue or even caused by distraction and caused

an accident in which a death occurred then I would be nothing short of a

murderer. Constantly having to clarify the external world is a continuous

drain on my resources thus follows bouts of fatigue and sleep.

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If I were to be driving in heavy traffic I just wonder how long it would be before

I was parked in a shop window or a field or even in some one else’s car.

How well we function depends upon how multi-tasked we are. For example

how many times a day do people multi-task, lets see. Oh I know, all the

bloody time. In fact we multi-task subliminally. We eat, breath, keep tabs

upon our body heat, up-grade cells and fight bacteria without even noticing

that these functions are being performed, even whilst asleep.

On a more conscious level we drive, listen to a CD, smoke and engaged in

conversation while competing with other motorists to get where we are going.

A plain or a bird may fly over head and you might glance up and say,

“Hey look at that bird”, you will not even notice just how much energy you

have expended by the end of your journey. This is because it is done every

day and it is second nature. However, to someone with a brain injury it could

be very different.

To illustrate a point I will take you on a journey and narrate from my brain and

other body bit’s point of view just for a laugh if nothing else.

Imagine we are heading down toward the seven bridge. On a mission to

retrieve Jess who is Jaci’s mother (remember this is an illustrative account, I

no longer drive). Imagine a long narrow winding country road. The Sun is

shining through the winter sky and the trees are swaying in the cold hard

breeze. Rabbits in the hedge rows and birds on the wing looking for food.

Shadows fly by and the external world feels so different it is very off putting.

Brain: OK don’t panic. It is just shadows, I think?

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Body: you are kidding right? I mean you do know what that was, right?

Brain: What is there to worry about everything wonky as usual just keep to the

right hand side and all will be well dear body.

Body: Hell bells and buggery what is that? (Car swerves to the left, then right,

then left and right)

Brain: That’s the hammer.

Body: What?

Brain: Just relax. Delegate the work.

Body: What time is it? It looks like as if it is morning, but I get the feeling it is

much later, kind of afternoonish.

Brain: You don’t need food or sleep, just shut up and drive.

Body: Picking on me now, I got all this energy to expel and I am empty you

obnoxious lump of jelly.

Brain: Shut it will you this is fun, where are we?

Body: Oh My God, any one would think you’re a worker, look at a map or

something. Is the heating on I am freezing, hey hands keep that wheel

straight will you back side sent a message, those pot holes are getting pretty

big and ear lobes listen up, I’m sorry the heating is not working but try not to

go too blue, it clashes with the clothing.

Brain: hehehe I can’t wait till Christmas.

Body: Give me strength. Feet what are you doing back side says all this

jumping about is making it feel sea sick.

Brain: “I wont go down with this ship, I wont hold me hands up and surrender,

there will be no white flag above my door…….lalala…deedaa daa!”

Eyes: We have a problem body.

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Brain: the fuzz? Quick let’s get out of here.

Eyes: No sorry not police car, does a police car have green stripes or orange?

Body: The only fuzz around here brain is you, now start sorting messages and

this time get it right.

Brain: I want to go home I am fed up and I want to go home I am sure those

trees are fake, in fact so too are all the other cars on the road. What Van?

Eyes: Will someone slap brain.

Body: Hands slap brain will you.

Hands: Roger, will do, over.

Mouth: OW

Body: Thank you hands now what are you doing.

Hands: trying to unwrap a sweet.

Body: Feet stop twisting will you, you’re going to hit the break.

Car skids and judders to a stop. Land rover just misses rear end and yells

obscenities out of exhaust pipe.

Eyes: Oh Pooh.

Backside: Shush now.

Body: Lungs stop sleeping, just breath will you.

Lungs: Sorry, dozed off there for a while. Brain is not helping at all really

keeps forgetting to let us know when to move, I mean I been doing this job

now for forty years I should know what to do, but if others fail to partake,

duties will fall.

Brain: I heard that you old bladder. Who lives in a pineapple under the

sea….sponge bob square pants. Absorbent and porous and yellow is he.

sponge bob square pants. What was that last message??? Who said that?

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Hey was that another car or a rocket ship, looks like a clowns face now don’t it

eyes?

Eyes: Err nope.

Body: I think I may be shutting down, all these messages from eyes are

getting mixed up with hands and feet and now mouth is dry and brain is well

away with the fairies, earlobes have shut down and feet are trying to unwrap

sweets, Oh Dear and it’s getting colder.

Sentinel: Pull over. Stop this car immediately and go to sleep.

Nose: I need a tissue.

Body: At last some sense from some where, sentinel I will pull in soon. Eyes

what can you see?

Eyes: We have detected a pull in about two miles away, do you think we can

make it?

Body: Brain send signals to feet and hands we need to change gear and

prepare to pull in.

Brain: Oh look, a plane.

Body: Brain come in brain.

Brain: What? Yeah yeah sheep I know seen them before. I wont go down

with this ship I wont hold my hands up and surrender….

Body: Feet and hands try to remember the procedure and prepare to crash

land, is it me, or is it colder now?

All other parts in unison: it’s getting colder.

Ears: I just went pop

Big Toe left foot: I am turning blue if that’s anything to go by.

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Jaci: Ocean? For Christ sake listen will you. Large or small portion? If you

had a large then you wont have enough, where did Ocean come from?

Mouth: I will.

Jaci: No…No you wont. Listen to me.

Ears: Okay, let’s try again.

Mouth: OK

Jaci: Go and ask if you had a large portion if so here is a pound if not you tell

her that she made a blunder ok?

Head: silently nods

Body: God its getting cold.

Satiation centres: Keep the battered jumbo, don’t give it back.

I walk in and hand over the pound forgetting what to say I thank the woman

and go back out and we drive off park up and eat the chips while walking the

river bank.

Feet: one two three four, one two three four, trip.

Knees: Oww

Mouth: chew chew chew chew stop.

Nose: I can smell chips.

Satiation centres: What about the sausage?

Brain In a melodic childish tune: Feet and mouth is fighting. Feet and mouth is

fighting.

Brain: I am sailing, I am sailing through the dada dadadadaaa dee dee dee.

Eyes: Whoosh did you see that bird on the water.

Feet: oh no chew chew chew trip.

Knees: Oww

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Mouth: one two three four march two three bite tongue.

Tongue: OH THE PAIN.

Mouth: Oww.

Body: Ok, OK stop…STOP.

Mouth: Chew chew chew chew.

Toes: hehehe we keep moving, don’t know why.

Jaci: Hey, how come you got a battered sausage as well? (Ping light bulb

comes on), That’s why you didn’t have enough money you pig fancy having

fish and sausage no wonder you are putting on weight, I don’t believe it what

a Pratt.

Face: who put that dirt and grass in the sky?

Feet: Sorry!

Mouth: Thought I was a foot for a while.

Reading back it sounds like life’s a ball, however the implications of not being

able to multi-task is so frustrating and a few days like this can lead to a deep

depression which leads to me sleeping for the uk. On good days it is hard

enough but on bad days it does not matter as bad days mean no going out

anyhow.

The partial grin and bemused look on my face portrays as if I am having fun,

however it is there because I am usually amazed, dazed and confused by so

much and bewildered by so much more.

Life rarely ceases to amaze me as there are always new feelings to get used

to and many things to see even though I may have seen them before each

time feels like the first time, so is that a bonus?

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here I want to be with her. (strange how the mind works as I do have

memories from our past and my past)

Most of the time my emotions are balanced apart from the bouts of anger

caused by frustration and the feeling of being a burden. I feel a sense of

grieving and I have not the slightest idea why. Unless it can be explained by

saying that I am morning my own demise or death, for the want of a better

way of putting it. But why, I have fun and being me seems all good, I have it

real good in comparison to many others. Although being unemployable and

not road worthy is not good.

Most of the time I am quite happy although rather mystified by it all. I am

quite happy to sit and let it all wash over me most of the time I think. Despite

feeling as if I have just fallen in from the next parallel universe, I know in my

heart that I am not really from another world and I realise that no matter what I

feel inside, it is my brain that is giving me the problems. That must be the

correct answer as anything else would be as illogical as there being buildings

on Mars, right?

The point is, how do I over come it? I need all the energy I can muster just to

function normally on a day to day basis but it is exceedingly taxing when one

is locked in mortal combat with ones own mind, testing, verifying, recording

new smells tastes sights and sounds, feeling the wind and rain on my skin. It

all adds up to ineffectual functioning. Trying to cut down on external

environmental stimuli is a big problem, but that is exactly what is needed, but

how?

The problem of derealisation is always there, however it can be ignored in a

way but only to a point. I tend to just go along with it, just as if it were real.

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People that I feel I do not know I act as if I do, but the ones that I genuinely do

not remember I ask and if you are wondering how I can tell the difference

between feeling that you know someone and not remembering them, believe

me the difference is noticeable. For instance if I meet someone I feel I do not

know I vaguely remember them albeit sketchy but if I do not recognise them,

there are no feelings of vague recognition I just do not remember them.

Sometimes it is possible to treat the environment that I am in as normal. After

all, I’m here and can’t get away, I think it referred to as helplessness. After all,

if I cant change the environment I have to adapt. Easier said than done but

possible. (where is Darwin when I need him?)

I noticed the other day as we walked along up town that the roads feel

different and look different but I couldn’t say how. I suppose it is similar to

having been asked a simple question that you know you should have the

answer to and it is on the tip of your tongue but you cant get it out. Buildings

seem different too again I don’t know why, it is just a feeling.

Tomorrow I go to the day unit in Cardiff again. It will be the 30th of January

tomorrow and guess what? It still means nothing to me. People keep

reminding me about the year, date and time. However, I still forget. I really

do not give a monkey’s, why should I? I am not going anywhere.

Today has been one of those days whereby my body thinks that it is walking

through treacle.

I suppose what I have written here makes tedious reading. I have failed to

read back what has been written as I fall asleep easily so I assume other may

have the same applied to them as they read.

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hard blue plastic thing I waited to see if it did anything. It did nothing of it’s

own accord. Suddenly the individual that owned it asked of me what I thought

of it. I stood there looking at it spluttering something about nice colour. Then

to my relief the owner said that due to it being new he would have to install

the software so he would have to go. Such a happy bunny, he bounced off up

the road toward his home leaving me there thinking, I wish I had asked what it

was as perhaps my pc would also like one. I hunted online, in books and

asked those I thought might know, alas nothing.

I know it was an eye pod now as I have it written down in front of me, although

when I was shown another I still asked what it was. The point is, I can

remember if I practise hard enough but it takes hundreds of times for

recognition to take place, even though I know now I have seen them before as

people tell me that I have seen theirs. For more than six months now I have

been consciously repeating in my mind what an eye pod is, looks like and

does. I know how long it has been as I kept records of the test I set myself

and it has worked.

The process of learning new things is very frustrating, however they are still

functioning albeit slowly. A prime example of this I suppose is the way I have

slugged it out with a new play station game I had after the accident. I think

Jaci got it for me in the hope it would aid my development, well, it did and I am

so very proud to announce that I am the owner of Road trip adventure and

after two years or more I have finally visited all the houses in peach town and

got a fan club and I can keep the car on the road. I have my own team of

racers and we got placed third, second and third in four of the races. Not bad

going for two years, EH????? Is it me or am I easily pleased?

218





Music, getting back to moods and music, can alter a persons day and I think

that the way I feel reflects what I am listening too rather than the other way

about.

The reason I say this is that if the music was affecting the way I think I would

feel pretty down, however that is false. The truth is I just feel lost, homesick

and very determined to get better, or get home which ever happens first.

I find most of Anastasia songs inspirational as do a few of Natasha

Bedingfield, although I have no idea why I listen to Kevin Lyttle’s song Turn

me on, actually I think it is a well sexy song and only helpful in non

psychological ways. (Er, Hum)

White Flag by Dido is a brilliantly placed together song and I do like that one

very much and the words I again can associate with. (Private blunder

enforces memories from the Amygdala, I wish I could it out some times.), and

I am in love and always will be. And to end this might of philosophical rabble I

will say good night as I think I have over done the stimuli. Goodnight.

20th today and I slept well I think as I feel quite alive today, physically though I

am sluggish and tend to shuffle around wondering what I am supposed to be

doing. I wonder if I am going to have a toffee day soon or is it just an effect of

the strenuous day I had yesterday?

Listening to music and writing is usually something I fail to do well, let alone

have a beer with it. I enjoyed it and I think now and again will not hurt, if it

helps now and again to heighten my mood.

Earlier on while sat at the table drinking a coffee I realised that I should be

focusing on rebuilding my life in a more positive way. I need to be employed

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and as we all know being on benefits makes one feel inadequate both

financially and as a provider for ones family.

I usually cut Jaci’s hair and today she looks as if she needs to be clipped so I

went for it and guess what, she was over the Moon with it, perhaps I should

go to college and become a barber. Is that a positive move or is it just settling

for second best? I dare not drive so multi-drop is out as is taxi driver bus

driver etc. I would like to have a web site but I am struggling with the

computer as it is. So what then? I think I am losing the plot now so let us get

back to living with derealisation.

As I mentioned before I became engrossed in music and memories, ah I just

thought feelings and memories. How do I know if the feelings of memories

are correct or just elicited from the music? Oh no, not again.

How do I know which feelings are correct? I do not know so I have to depend

on many other things. I have to trust other people and sometimes if the

situation is not placing me in danger I reverse my decision Usually if I feel

something is not right, such as this is not a boat, I go through what I think a

boat should look like and if it fits I ignore the feeling that it is not. A worse

scenario is the feeling of not being in the toilet. One mistake here and it could

be such a problem.

Which feeling is right and wrong is a good game but it becomes tedious after

playing it every day. I hope I have chosen the correct feeling and go with it,

that is why I have so many problems and funny looks. To illustrate a point, on

a day that we have to go up town if there are a lot of people and it is cold I fail

to function correctly and trying to string a sentence together is so demanding

221











Here’s how it is sometimes:

Ears: That bloke said good day

Brain: What?

Mouth: Whay.

Eyes: Err…yellow thing approaching at high speed.

Brain: Mouth what does whay mean?

Mouth: Don’t know.

Brain: Then why say it.

Eyes: Sixty foot hole in sky and its gone.

Brain: Huh?

Nose: Hey smell that food cooking.

Brain: Shut up or else…

Satiation centres: We know already.

Feet: We are losing control up here.

Body: what do mean up here?

Satiation centres: We need sustenance, food, get something to eat.

Brain: Sun shine, clouds, shop window with lights…thingy and something

else.

Fingers: Getting cold out here.

Eyes: We are shutting down can’t take it any more.

Knees: Ow

On days like this I am so glad to get back home and sleep. Life happens in

between dreams and the waking hours become shorter by the day and there

is nothing I can do when I feel like this.

It does not matter where I am, if I need to sleep I usually do.

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Today is the 8th of April. For the last few days I have slept for hours on end

and it has been noted that my movements are slow and clumsy. I shuffle

about bumping into things such as walls, door frames, dogs and other people

while outside.

We went to see my GP today because I have had vertigo (an on going

symptom from the head injury) for the last week or so and it was getting

worse. He gave me some exercises to carry out and to my relief it is slightly

better, although at times it seems to be worse than others

There is a choice of two treatment exercises on the sheet that I have been

given, there is a third but that is for more severe bouts by the look of things as

it says to use the Brant-Darof exercise if the other fails.

The first is a long-winded version referred to as the Semont liberatory

manoeuvre and the second called the modified Epley manoeuvre.

The symptom’s full title is benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV for

short) and by using these simple therapies debris in the inner ear moves to

another position that does not affect the balance.

It all seems very complex and the best advice I can give is either seek medical

advice or down load a copy from Infonet.com

The date today is the 20th of April. I fail to notice the days going by and I have

also failed to make correct entries into this document. I noticed that the dates

are a bit mixed up, I think. It is hard to keep reading back and inserting notes

from outings and the like.

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My notes are in need of tidying, however, I feel quite good today so perhaps I

will endeavour to file things up, correctly. While shopping last week I drove a

shop mobility cart around some bollards at Asda superstore. Jaci waited at

the car for me to go get it.

Now that may sound trivial to some people, however to me it is more like a

200 mile drive. I managed to steer it around quite well and not bump into

anyone, however in the shop I paid the price. Running on a low battery I

shuffled around the shop bumping into everyone and most things that was not

tied down. I sent loaves of bread tumbling to the floor and nearly dropped a

few dozen eggs, but that is how it is.

I found another Internet site too. It is called dpselfhelp.com. There you find

many people with depersonalisation and Derealisation.

Most of the people on the site have depersonalisation/Derealisation through

drug abuse and some have had it from a very early age and one or two

including myself from an accident.

After carrying out some intense research I have finally found out if I have

Derealisation or depersonalisation. I have Derealisation. And the difference

seems to be people that suffer from Derealisation feel that they are real but

their surroundings are not, people that have depersonalisation feel that they

are not real but their surroundings are. This is probably a very general

account here and probably there are more differences than that, but that is all

I know so far.

How I feel towards the world today is that it feels unreal. I am real but

everything else feels unreal. The feeling that people that know me are being

duped kills me, I want to say to them,

228



“Hey, you know what, I am not the real Jill and what’s more I fell in from the

parallel universe next door.” But I think better of it and keep quite as I feel that

they will have me locked up, and I know it’s not true. It just feels like it due to

the accident. If I keep reminding myself about this I am sure these feelings

will die away.

It seems that many individuals with Depersonalisation Derealisation or a

touch of both can benefit from prescribed drugs such as Seroxat,

Clomipramine Risperdal and Fluoxetine (Prozac) Topiramate (Topamax)

Paxil Lamictal Neurontin Klonopine and of course ciprimil (Citilapram)

Information of all the above can be found on the Internet on sites such as

druginfonet.com / Lamactil.com / rsdalert.org / rsdalert.co.uk / drugs.com/

cipramil.com / benzo.org or RxList Monographs.htm. There are many other

sites that have information regarding side effects of the drugs and what they

are prescribed for. If you type in the name of the drug there will be plenty of

links and information on each drug when you hit the page

My favourite search site is info.Co.uk. I have listed a few side effects and

reasons of application for each drug I have mentioned, however there is

nothing like delving into the unknown, so have a read for yourself on the

Internet if you have access. And do not forget that although some people

report these side effects, everyone is different and in many cases the side

effects may not manifest their selves in the same way, in many cases side

effects are miniscule, and in some cases side effects are zero.

229



Seroxat: Also found under the heading of Paxil: Deroxat: Paroxetine.

This medication is prescribed for depression.

The known side effects are/could be:

Sweating: Asthenia (weakness): Nausea: Decrease in appetite: Dizziness:

Insomnia: Drowsiness (somnolence): Yawning: Decrease in libido: Tremors:

Nervousness: Ejaculatory disturbances: Other male genital problems: Dry

Mouth: Female genital problems (i.e., Dryness): Constipation.

In less common cases it is said to cause skin sensations(Paresthesia): blurred

vision and flatulence.

Seroxat has withdrawal symptoms and anyone taking this medication

should consult their doctor before they consider stopping their medication.

The withdrawal symptoms are said to be:

Dizziness: Vertigo: Nausea: Fatigue: Headaches: Insomnia: Stomach cramps:

Chills: increase in dreaming: Agitation and Anxiety.

The ill effects of Seroxat were highlighted on the BBC documentary

Panorama and can be viewed on the BBC website.

Clomipramine: Also found under: Anafranil.

This medication is prescribed for bi-polar disorder (manic depression) and

Anxiety among other things.


Common side effects of Clomipramine: (Anafranil)

Dizziness; drowsiness; dryness of mouth; headache; increased appetite (may

include craving for sweets); nausea; tiredness or weakness (mild); unpleasant

taste; weight gain.

230



Less Common Side Effects:

Diarrhoea; heartburn; increased sweating; trouble in sleeping (more common

with Protriptyline, especially when taken late in the day); vomiting

Less Common again: Blurred vision; confusion or delirium; constipation

(especially in the elderly); decreased sexual ability (more common with

combined dosage of Amoxapine and Clomipramine); difficulty in speaking or

swallowing; eye pain; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat (pounding, racing,

skipping); hallucinations; loss of balance control; mask-like face; nervousness

or restlessness; problems in urinating; shakiness or trembling; shuffling walk;

slowed movements; stiffness of arms and legs.

Rare Side effects: Anxiety; breast enlargement in both males and females;

hair loss; inappropriate secretion of milk - in females; increased sensitivity to

sunlight; irritability; muscle twitching; red or brownish spots on skin; ringing,

buzzing, or other unexplained sounds in the ears; seizures (more common

with Clomipramine); skin rash and itching; sore throat and fever; swelling of

face and tongue; swelling of testicles (more common with Amoxapine); trouble

with teeth or gums (more common with Clomipramine); weakness; yellow

eyes or skin.

Clomipramine has become the first “human” drug given approval by the Food

and Drug Administration for use on other animals such as dogs and cats that

have anxiety. For example dogs and cats that show stress when separated

231



from their owners (families). It has also been administered to aggressive

animals. The vet nary brand is Clomicalm Anafranil.

Fluoxetine (Prozac): This medication is prescribed for anxiety


Anxiety or nervousness; decreased appetite; diarrhoea; drowsiness;

headache; increased sweating; nausea; tiredness or weakness; trembling or

shaking; trouble in sleeping.

Less common side effects are:

Abnormal dreams; change in sense of taste; changes in vision; chest pain;

constipation; dizziness or light-headedness; dryness of mouth; feeling of

warmth or heat; flushing or redness of skin, especially on face and neck;

frequent urination; hair loss; increased appetite; increased sensitivity of skin to

sunlight; menstrual pain; stomach cramps, gas, or pain; vomiting; weight loss;

yawning.

More Common: Decreased sexual drive or ability; inability to sit still;

restlessness; skin rash, hives, or itching

Less Common: Chills or fever; joint or muscle pain

Rare: Breast enlargement or pain; convulsions (seizures); fast or irregular

heartbeat; purple or red spots on skin; symptoms of hypoglycaemia (low blood

sugar), including anxiety or nervousness, chills, cold sweats, confusion, cool

pale skin, difficulty in concentration, drowsiness, excessive hunger, fast

heartbeat, headache, shakiness or unsteady walk, or unusual tiredness or

weakness; symptoms of hyponatremia (low blood sodium), including

232



confusion, convulsions (seizures), drowsiness, dryness of mouth, increased

thirst, lack of energy; symptoms of serotonin syndrome, including diarrhoea,

fever, increased sweating, mood or behaviour changes, overactive reflexes,

racing heartbeat, restlessness, shivering or shaking; talking, feeling, and

acting with excitement and activity you cannot control; trouble in breathing;

unusual or incomplete body or facial movements; unusual secretion of milk, in

females

Risperdal: This medication is prescribed for psychosis. Risperidone is an

anti-psychotic medication. A wealth of Information can be found on

drugs.com.

Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other

hazardous activities. Risperidone may cause dizziness or drowsiness. If you

experience dizziness or drowsiness, avoid these activities. Avoid alcohol or

use it with caution. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while

taking Risperidone. Avoid becoming overheated in hot weather and during

exercise. Risperidone may increase the risk of heat stroke. Do not mix the

liquid form of Risperidone with cola or tea. Risperidone is used for the

treatment of schizophrenia and mania associated with bipolar disorder. But

has other applications such as severe depression.

Hyperglycaemia (increased blood sugar ) has been reported in patients treated

with atypical anti psychotics including Risperidone. Talk to your doctor if you

experience any signs of hyperglycaemia including excessive thirst, frequent

urination, excessive hunger or weakness.

233

http://www.drugs.com/Risperdal/









Risperidone (Risperdal) orally-disintegrating tablets contain phenylalanine.

The 0.5 mg tablets contain 0.14 mg phenylalanine, the 1 mg tablets contain

0.28 mg phenylalanine, and the 2 mg tablets contain 0.5 mg phenylalanine.

Individuals with phenylketonuria may need to monitor their intake of this

additive.

It is not known whether Risperidone passes into breast milk. Do not take

Risperidone without first talking to your doctor if you are breast-feeding a

baby.

Contact your doctor immediately if you experience fever, sweating, severe

muscle stiffness (rigidity), confusion, fast or irregular heart beat. These could

be symptoms of a potentially fatal side effect called Neuroleptic Malignant

Syndrome (NMS).

If you experience any of the following serious side effects, stop taking

Risperidone and seek emergency medical treatment or contact your doctor

immediately:

An allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of the throat; swelling of the

lips, tongue, or face; or hives); uncontrollable movements of the tongue, face,

lips, arms, or legs: muscle spasms of the face or neck: severe restlessness or

tremor: severe drowsiness or fainting: irregular or very fast heartbeat.

The less serious side effects are:

mild restlessness, drowsiness, or tremor: insomnia: blurred vision: dizziness

or headache: nausea and weight gain.

There are many drugs that have an affect on the way Risperdal works and

you should tell your doctor if you take any of these:

234



Carbamazepine (Tegretol) : Clozapine (Clozaril); medicines used to treat

Parkinson's disease such as Levodopa (Dopar, Larodopa, Sinemet, Atamet,

or other drugs for the treatment of Parkinson’s). Any medicine used to lower

blood pressure.

Talk to your doctor and pharmacist before taking any prescription or over-the-

counter medicines, including vitamins, minerals, and herbal products.

Topiramate (Topamax): This medication is prescribed for so many things

some of which are Epilepsy, Anxiety, (tests in control of diabetes)and bi-polar

disorder.


Back pain; chest pain; constipation; heartburn; hot flushes; increased

sweating; leg pain and weight loss. It is advised that the patient increases

their intake of water to combat the onset of kidney stones.

Also, Topiramate may cause a change in your sense of taste.

More Common side effects: Burning, prickling, or tingling sensations;

clumsiness or unsteadiness; confusion; continuous, uncontrolled back-and-

forth or rolling eye movements; dizziness; double vision or other vision

problems; drowsiness; generalized slowing of mental and physical activity;

memory problems; menstrual changes; menstrual pain; nervousness; speech

or language problems; trouble in concentrating or paying attention; unusual

tiredness or weakness

Less Common: Abdominal pain; fever, chills, or sore throat; lessening of

sensations or perception; loss of appetite; mood or mental changes, including

235





(Lamictal) Lamotrigine : This medication is prescribed for Epilepsy and Bi-

polar disorder among other things.

Lamotrigine is an anticonvulsant that is chemically unrelated to any other

anticonvulsant or mood regulating medication.

Lamotrigine has recently been reported to be a useful treatment for some

people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and/or borderline

personality disorder (BPD).


In rare cases, Lamictal has been associated with severe and/or life-

threatening rashes and hypersensitivity reactions. Seek emergency medical

attention or contact your doctor immediately if you develop any skin rash;

fever; hives; swelling of the lips, tongue, or face; sores in the mouth or around

the eyes; or swollen lymph glands.

Lamictal may cause drowsiness, dizziness, blurred vision, or poor

coordination. Do not drive, operate dangerous machinery, or perform other

hazardous activities until you know how Lamictal affects you. If you

experience drowsiness, dizziness, blurred vision, or poor coordination, avoid

these activities.

Do not stop taking Lamictal without first talking to your doctor, even if you feel

better. It is important to continue taking Lamictal to prevent symptoms from

recurring. Stopping Lamictal suddenly may result in increased seizure

frequency or a return of symptoms of bipolar disorder. If the medication needs

237

http://www.drugs.com/

http://www.drugs.com/



to be stopped, your doctor may need to lower the dosage gradually. This

information can be found online at drug.com

Serious, even fatal, rashes have occurred while using this medication.

Neurontin: (gabapentin) treats nerve pain that follows shingles in adults (post

herpetic neuralgia) and also treats partial seizures in adults and children.

http://www.neurontin.com

This medication is prescribed for pain, Epilepsy and Bi-polar disorders among

other things.


Blurred or double vision; dizziness; drowsiness; muscle ache or pain; swelling

of hands, feet, or lower legs; trembling or shaking; unusual tiredness or

weakness.

Other more common side effects: Clumsiness or unsteadiness; continuous,

uncontrolled back and forth and/or rolling eye movements.

Less Common: Depression, irritability, or other mood or mental changes;

loss of memory

Rare: Fever or chills; cough or hoarseness; lower back or side pain; painful or

difficult urination.

Overdose Effects - Notify Doctor:

Double vision; severe diarrhoea; severe dizziness; severe drowsiness; severe

slurred speech; sluggishness

Here is the link for more in-depth information.

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/sfx/a/sfx_neurontin.htm

238



Klonopine (Clonazepam): This medication is prescribed for


http://www.whatmeds.com/meds/clonazepam.html

Ciprimil (Citilapram): This medication is prescribed as Psycho-analeptics

(antidepressants) in the treatment of: Depression and prevention of relapse:

panic disorder with or without agoraphobia And the treatment of obsessive

compulsive disorder (OCD).


Commonly:

headache, sweating, asthenia/fatigue, tremor, weight loss/weight gain,

dizziness

Less commonly:

Circulation:

palpitations: sleep disturbances, Paresthesia, restlessness Gastro-intestinal:

nausea, constipation, diarrhoea, dyspepsia, dry mouth

Less common: malaise, yawning Central nervous system:

agitation, confusion, impaired concentration, decreased libido, ejaculation

disorder, mania .Gastro-intestinal: salivation Skin rash: nose congestion:

Very rare:

Convulsions, hepatitis, serotonin syndrome, Neuroleptic malignant syndrome

239





From what I have gathered the symptoms of DP/DR are mainly caused by

anxiety and stress, so taking prescribed mood stabilisers and enhancers such

as Prozac may stop depression, anxiety Etc, however, my frustration anxiety

and depression all derive from the Derealisation Etc.

To illustrate my point, if a car had petrol starvation problems and lets say it

was ,dirty petrol etc, it would be fine to use a petrol cleaner such as Redex,

for example, (A liquid petrol cleaner poured into the petrol tank) however if the

petrol problem turned out to be a hole in the tank, no amount of petrol cleaner

would do, see my point? Am I being over cautious and just plain crazy or am I

right in thinking that taking these medications as “Suck it and see” Just is not

a good idea?

As a psychology student I found that psychiatric methods sometime rubbed

me up the wrong way, however we did not enter that field in depth as we are

different departments. I am not a condoner of pill popping. Is that why I find it

all so hard to accept? If is does help, will I become dependant upon them? I

know what long term damage some of them do from reading case studies at

University. I am not impressed and not happy to turn what might be left of my

brain into mushroom soup.

April 24th today and it has been one of those days. I find motor functioning

slow and cumbersome. I have difficulties when multi-tasking and \although I

feel absolutely shattered I cannot sleep for love or money.

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I went researching Derealisation, asking people how they perceive their lives

now, or whilst in the throws of dp/dr. I managed this by interviewing a few

willing victims in the chat room online at dpselfhelp.com.

There were quite a few people in there for the first time since I found the site,

and I have to confess I rather enjoyed it.

It felt like being with my own kind at last, I was at home, in my universe and

they were in it too.

I could not believe what I was reading for a while and even wondered was this

all a trick? Had I been set up? These people we telling me just how I feel

without knowing me or my situation. They told me. And they were correct.

Some individuals get dp or dr from an early age.

Some causes are stress and anxiety related, some from alcohol or substance

abuse and of course me, head injury. I have yet to find another head injury

patient that has been left with dp/dr, however I am assured by a few people

that I chatted with that it can and does happen.

Going by definition of depersonalisation, it would seem that I am affected by it

only in my hands and feet. (How ODD). The Derealisation is the problem that

holds the greater percentage.

I would like to know for sure why this is, however, it is probably down to pure

chance of where the injury are. Seems logical I think.

Communicating with others from all over the world and just reading

conversations taking place was overwhelming for a few of us first timers. I felt

pangs of some emotional state that says “don’t go”, every time someone left

241



the chat room. It was fully detectable in the way other people said good night

and wished them well, not one person in that room failed to respond in that

manner. We were all new to each other, so why was this? We all had a

common denominator, dp/dr or both.

If I had a penny for every time some other person in that room gave exact

accounts of how my life is, I have enough to go on a very long vacation with

Jaci and have spending money over.

There were people suffering from mental fatigue all over the world caused by

their condition. Memory problems and epilepsy by the shed load. So many

people, all the same and yet, so different.

One striking aspect was the amount of creative people that suffer from dp or

dr. One supposes it may be due to genius running aside an extremely thin

parallel to insanity, some times the old adages are the best.

Noises too were mentioned many times. I have thumping, banging, hissing,

whistling and other non-speech noises due to tinitus, but I also have higher

sensory input perception now. Everything is heightened and this is true of

many other people I communicated with online.

So what causes the higher output? Is it that our nervous system has been

switched up a notch or two? Surely if this was so, it could be registered on

some kind of machine somewhere on this planet? A hospital might be a good

place to start, or is it that the finances will not allow? There needs to be much

more research into this vast and un-chartered territory.

Time was an issue too. People with dr/dp seem to be timeless. They can sit

for hours thinking it minutes. Which is just as well if one suffers with anxiety

242



or depression. Me? Well I just don’ t give a shit anymore. I just let it happen

and go with it. I only travel in one direction. Forwards.

I have been told that there is a book titled “House of leaves”. This book, it is

suggested has the most perfect description of dp/dr. I am off up the Library

come Monday to see if I can get hold of a copy.

I have never wanted to become a literary critic, however I shall give it a go

and report back.

The last few days have been quite hard. My hands and feet feel slightly less

cooperative that usual. I swear my right hand is out to get me. It keeps

stabbing me with a fork. I have learned to compensate for this by moving my

head onto the fork rather than bring my hand up to my mouth, stops me

getting a sharp prodding in the side of my mouth.

I nearly smashed another cup today. I have been careful not to rush while

doing things such as washing up or drying, but today I had a few near misses

with some crockery.

A friend and neighbour walked to the shop with me. We took the dogs too,

they are quite slow and not much of a problem. I tried very hard to

concentrate on walking and talking but somehow things just got the better of

me and I started to become irritable. I think that most of Monmouth was

outside cutting their grass. If I had realised I would not have bothered. It was

a nice day, birds were singing, traffic whizzing about people distracting me

with pointless greetings, because I did not have a clue who half of them were.

Then we got to the shop. I become fatigued and slow and soon it was

apparent that I could not control the dogs on their leads.

243



On the way back I kept tripping over them. It was not their fault, just me being

clumsy. My hands felt awkward as I held the leads and I could not decide

which way I wanted to hold them. The dogs soon become anxious they could

tell that something was awry and started to wander back and forth in front of

me as I kept crossing over the leads. I did not feel confident about keeping

them safe at all and found the whole outing a bit of a nightmare.

The only thing I was looking forward to today in fact was going back into the

chat room on dpselfhelp.com.

It has been a funny week. I know Jaci is on her way home and that excites

me. However I have had so much company this week what with one and

another popping in to see how I am, it is as if she never left.

I have cleaned the house on a daily basis, cleaned up the after the animals

and walked over to the shop with a friend, twice this week. I even did some

washing and ironing. (ironed in more creases than ironed out), but I failed to

burn myself which is quite an improvement.

I have to admit though my nocturnal habits went unchecked and left to my

own devices went to bed around 3 or 4am most nights, 6 o’clock on another. I

have been in the chat room on dpselfhelp.com. I feel so comfortable there, it

gives me a high to know that at last I have met others with similar problems. It

really is stimulating and refreshing. I think that by talking about what is going

on in one’s life helps tremendously because, using other people as sounding

boards and reading what they have to go through makes you realise that

there are others out there with worse problems than oneself, also I feel as if I

have at last some self autonomy and that is what is missing from my life at the

moment.

244



Talking with other people about their medication helps too. I have started to

research some drugs that are said to help dr and dp. I was amused to find

that anti-psychotic drugs are being used widely to help people with dr and dp,

although I see little reasoning for this as some of these drugs have irreversible

side effects.

There are a few theories on why depersonalisation occurs. One suggests that

it might be induced by overwhelming anxiety or an early traumatic event.

In these circumstances, becoming detached from one's body may seem a

useful means of distancing oneself from the trauma, but in some people, the

depersonalisation then becomes autonomous and a problem in it's own right.

Neurological theories include a disruption or neurotransmitter imbalance in the

parts of the brain that integrate oncoming sensory information with our internal

representation of the Self (the temporal lobes). A specific part of the temporal

lobe, the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotion, may play a

crucial role in Depersonalisation and Derealisation.

Still the point remains the same for myself as it all happened as a result of an

accident so, will medication help me or hinder the situation from recovery?

245







Topamax might be prescribed on its own, or in addition to another medicine

for controlling seizures, although it is prescribed for other reasons. Always

remember; never be afraid to ask your doctor if you have any questions about

why this medicine has been prescribed for you.

Although Topamax sounds like the all singing all dancing hope for the future it

does not make coffee or the bed and it might affect you like this.

• Unusual tiredness, drowsiness, weakness, dizziness

• Decrease in appetite or weight loss

• Headache

• Unsteady or abnormal way of walking

• Tingling and numbness in fingers and toes

• Nausea, diarrhoea, increased saliva, altered sense of taste, stomach

pain

• Difficulty in controlling emotions.

• Difficulty with concentration or attention; confusion

• Difficulty with memory and/or thinking

• Depression, mood problems, abnormal thoughts

• Agitation, unusual nervousness

• Co-ordination problems, tremor or slow reaction

• Speech or language problems

• Effects on eyes or vision (e.g. double vision)

• Frequent infections with symptoms such as fever, severe chills, sore

throat or mouth ulcers.

248



I realise that many, if not all prescribed medications, have a side affects list

but that does not mean to say that one will be affected, however someone

that experiences speech problems any how, will not be able to make the

connection. So how can you tell if it is the affect of the drugs or just a normal

every day slurry speech or will it become worsened thus detectable?

After talking with quite a few other dp’s and dr’s I have come to realise that

speech slurring and poor concentration is symptomatic. What I am wondering

now is, is it connected with temporal lobe epilepsy or temporal lobe damage?

Something else that has come to light is the fact that many people have

mentioned that they feel inhibited when communicating with others. I.e., they

fail to make connections during a conversation or they just cannot be

bothered as chatting takes much concentration and that’s where they come

unstuck. I tend to shy away from conversation but I find it easy to

communicate by letter or text such as when I am in a chat room. I do become

flustered by all the lines of text, but quite often I speak in private to one or two

people. The noises from my pc I can block out with ear plugs so that is not

too bad.

It is May the 16th today I have just realised that tomorrow it is the anniversary

of my mother’s death. I miss her very much, but as they say time makes it

easier to accept. I do not feel sad, but I remember at one time I could not

mention her name without being in floods of tears.

I have not made an entry in this project for a while. I am going through a

period of feeling fatigued and depression is setting in. I get so fed up with

how things are. Looking back through the pages it seems that I have not

249



made any real improvement now for some time. I still feel homesick and

isolated. I am plagued by the noise from inside my head and the external

world sounds so loud it hurts my head.

I still feel lost in familiar places and hate the thought of going to new ones or

places I am unsure of. I still am not able to drive for various reasons and I am

still in the process of finding strange new things in this strange new world I

find myself in.

I still want to taste things and investigate my surroundings. I can walk straight

now though, that is one good thing and I cope well with getting about without

bumping into things, except on bad days. And I still have panic attacks.

Things are slow and even though I find that investigating derealisation,

depersonalisation and various types of epilepsy interesting and rewarding,

researching is exceptionally tiring.

I have also found out that there are types of epilepsy that originate from

occipital and parietal lobe damage as well as the temporal lobes which could

create symptoms such as I suffer from. If a simple seizure originates in the

temporal lobe, quite a wide variety of symptoms can occur. This is because

the functions of the temporal lobe are quite varied. As with all types of

epilepsy, each individual is different and straightforward comparisons are not

always possible. Not everyone is going to have the same symptom as

symptoms vary so much.

Someone having a simple partial seizure originating in the temporal lobe may

experience an intense feeling, for example, sudden fear (Panic attack)or

happiness (Is this the uncontrollable or inappropriate laughter I experience).

They may have an extremely vivid memory flashback or strong sense of déja

250



vu. Unpleasant smells or tastes and an unpleasant sensation in the stomach

are also possible symptoms.

These symptoms are often called an ‘aura’ and can act as a warning for

people with complex partial seizures. During simple partial seizures, the

person remains fully conscious and the seizure is usually very brief. Often it is

only the intensity and suddenness of these feelings that differentiates

between someone having a usual déja vu experience, for example, and

someone having a simple partial seizure

The parietal lobe deals with our bodily sensations and simple partial seizures

beginning in this part of the brain cause strange physical sensations. A

tingling or warmth down one side of the body is typical. Because the parietal

lobe is closely associated with the frontal lobe, people sometimes experience

movement too. Known as ‘sensory seizures’ the after effect can be a period of

numbness which wears off after a while.

Another starting place of a simple partial seizure is the occipital lobe. The

occipital responsible for our vision. So it would make sense that the symptoms

of these seizures are to do with the way we see things. Flashing lights, or

strange colours are typical symptoms. It is suggested by research that this

occurs in the opposite side of the body to the lobe where the seizure

originates.

These three parts of the brain I mention here are the three parts that I

damaged during the fall, so it is not surprising that I have so many problems

with one thing and another.

251













therefore alerting you to the fact that something has gone off preserves

oneself.

It does seem to follow then that memories of old help protect us from the

future. In a way I suppose it does. However, sometimes the horrors that an

individual has gone through, such as chronic mental childhood abuse could

be elicited from memory, provoked by an innocent situation which is powerful

enough to activate chemicals in the brain that can bring on seizures or chronic

depression and anxiety or stress.

The emotion centres in the brain can activate stress or act as a mood

enhancer. Imagine these two very different scenarios.

First imagine that your child or a loved one has been impaled on an iron

railings. They are alive and suffering, there is nothing you can do to help

them. If you picture this in your mind you will start to feel an emotional

response, similar to grieving. Now imagine how you would feel if you had just

been given ten million pounds tax free with a free house and car. Two very

different situations, two very different emotions that come from chemical

secretion in the brain. The biggest part of emotional response is said to be

set up by a part of the brain called the Amygdala.

For sometime now scientists have carried out observational studies on the

automatic wincing that may take place when someone else suffers a pain or

injury, and also the opposite studies of how infectious smiles are.

Dr. Marco Iacoboni, is a neuroscientist affiliated with the UCLA (University of

California, Los Angeles) Neuropsychiatry Institute and the UCLA Brain

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I suppose that there are many ways to introduce good chemicals into the

brain without the aide of illegal substances such as eating a well balanced

and healthy diet.

Brain food

The type of fat consumed is very important for a healthy functioning brain.

60% of the brain's solid matter is composed of essential fatty acids. Omega-3

fats found in cold water fish make up a large portion of the communicating

membranes of the brain. Brain cells must endlessly energize themselves with

a new supply of fatty acids. DHA is a particular omega-3 fatty acid found in

fish that appears to boost brain development.

Another interesting read I found this week was about some American

researchers that have reported an animal and human study that found by

eating one-cup of blueberries a day the chemicals in the fruit helped reduced

aging-related damage in the brain.

Blueberries also appeared to prevent mental decline in mice genetically

engineered to develop Alzheimer's disease. Blueberries are an excellent

source of antioxidants. Products of normal metabolism known as free radicals

can injure brain cells. Antioxidants found in fruits and vegetables neutralize

free radicals before they can harm cells. The researchers believe that

blueberries protect the brain through their antioxidant and anti-inflammatory

action. Something in the Blueberries also seems to manipulate the way brain

cells communicate with each other.

Iron-rich Foods

Studies show that iron deficiency anaemia is a risk factor for poor school

performance in children. Iron is needed to carry oxygen to the brain cells and

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much change for a long while. I have been taking the Venlafaxine prescribed

by my Dr at Whitchurch hospital and it seems to be helping. Also I think my

cannabis smoking days are well and truly over as I have gone right off it. I

have not smoked a joint now for a little over two months. I think it is the mood

stabilising Venlafaxine that has done the trick for me, even though I kicked

and screamed about it in the beginning. To tell you the truth I am thinking

along the same lines now as the staff at the hospital. I have tried my way and

tried to overcome this depersonalisation and derealisation myself, but it is still

here and it is not going away. I cope a little better everyday I suppose

because everyday I become a little more used to the way things are and I

have become more used to the unusual world around me. I suppose it is the

same for a young child learning the ways of the world, except they did not

know of a world before. The world I knew and the world I now live in are very

different although they are similar in some ways.

I have been taking the Epilim for the seizures regularly and can say that I

have not noticed any absences for quite some time now, so that is a bonus

and I am hoping that I will be able to drive one day in the next year or so.

Although I have to combat the other problem of chronic fatigue, hand and feet

coordination and multi-tasking.

I still get panic attacks and become dazed and confused by lights and signs in

shops. Nose is still a major problem and is still disabling to me as is the cold

and rain. My focus and attention has improved slightly but not to the extent

that I can have a conversation with the radio on or read a book in a room

where other people are talking or music playing. And I still become fatigued

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from travelling in a car or reading a book and I still find it awkward to complete

many basic tasks that other people find easy.