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To Thine Own Self

by Mary Tabor

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First published 1938 by The C.W. Daniel Copany !td.

This edition "opyri#ht $ %&1' The (a"h Centre.

)erission is #ranted to reprodu"e for personal and edu"ational use only.

Coer"ial "opyin#* hirin# or lendin# is prohibited. +n all "ases this noti"e ust

reain inta"t.

The "o,er is a s"an of the ori#inal 1938 edition.

1.&

www.ba"h"entre."o

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)refa"e

Between 1934 and 1936 Dr Edward Bach lived in the village

of Sotwell in Oxfordshire, England. Bach cae to the village to

co!lete his research into the s"ste of flower reedies now

naed after hi.

Bach cae to Sotwell with his secretar" and assistant, #ora

$ee%s. &wo other !eo!le were in his tea' a #orfol% an,(ictor B)llen, who oved to *+ingdon to +e closer to the

wor% and a local woan called -ar" &a+or. -ar" was the

tenant of a ho)se called $ells!rings, five in)tes wal% awa"

fro Dr Bachs hoe at -o)nt (ernon. &he landlords of +oth

!ro!erties were e+ers of the sae fail". /erha!s this

connection was the eans +" which Bach and -ar" +ecae

ac0)ainted. Bach was soon )sing +oth addresses in connection

with his wor% the +elief is that he and -ar" fored a roanticattachent.

*fter Bach died in 1936 #ora, (ictor and -ar" t)rned to

writing. #ora and (ictor wrote fact)al articles and shorter

!ieces and event)all" #ora !rod)ced a +iogra!h" of Bach, The

Medical Discoveries of Edward Bach, Physician, !)+lished in

194. -ar" tried her hand at fiction. &he res)lt, To Thine Own

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Self , was !)+lished in 193. &he !)+lisher of +oth +oo%s was

harles Daniel, who had +ecoe a great s)!!orter of Bachs

wor%.

To Thine Own Self is a roman à clef to which !art of the %e"has +een lost. Soe characters can +e identified. -arian is

-ar" &he ad" of the 5lowers is #ora. Both the ho)ses )sed

+" Bach, -o)nt (ernon and $ells!rings, are acc)ratel"

descri+ed, while Bach is ainl" there in the for of

Davidsson. *s well as its Bi+lical associations entioned in

cha!ter 77(8 the nae : ;Davids son< : coes !erha!s

fro Bachs +elief that his fail" had $elsh roots and he

discovered the first flower reedies in $ales. B)t Bach also

sees to infor the character =ac%. 8n real life -ar" was not

arried in the +oo% she and =ac% are s!o)ses.

>eaders failiar with Bachs writings will recognise an"

thees in the novel. &he idea of living now and +eing !resent

in the oent is ver" Bach. *nother failiar conce!t is that of

life as a gae and a ?o)rne" and an o!!ort)nit" to learn and

the idea that we sho)ld do what we want witho)t worr"inga+o)t r)les and conventions and the desires of other !eo!le.

Even the title echoes Bachs own !hiloso!hical writings' Free

Thyself , Ye Suffer from Yourselves and Heal Thyself .

To Thine Own Self was not a coercial s)ccess and was

never intended to +e. -ar" is not the ost gifted writer of

fiction and the tone and anner are ver" )ch of their tie.

Bach once wrote that he disli%ed !reaching the reader a" feel

that -ar" didnt entirel" share that disli%e. 8n an" event, therewas no second edition and the +oo% reained o)t of !rint and

)navaila+le for an" "ears. &he onl" reaining co!" at the

Bach entre went issing in the 19s. B)t a co)!le of "ears

ago a scan of the 193 edition was ade availa+le online +" a

reed"@a%ing co!an". &han%s to this we have +een a+le to

create this new online edition. >eading the text ade it clear

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that the wor% had never +een !ro!erl" !roof@read, and we have

ta%en the o!!ort)nit" to correct soe of the errors and

inconsistencies in t"!ogra!h", la"o)t, !)nct)ation, s!elling and

graar. #o other changes have +een ade and the wholetext is here.

-ar" &a+or left the Bach entre tea in the 194s and we

do not %now if the text of To Thine Own Self is still !rotected

)nder C co!"right law. *tte!ts to locate her or an"

reaining fail" have not +een s)ccessf)l. $e have decided to

go ahead an"wa" and re!)+lish the text. $e +elieve -ar"

wo)ld have +een delighted to see it availa+le once again.

Stefan Ball

&he Bach entre

$e ho!e that we havent introd)ced too an" t"!ing errors of o)r own

if we find an" the" will +e corrected and a new version released.

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&his a+ove all' to thine own self +" tr)e,

*nd it )st follow, as the night the da",

&ho) canst not then +e false to an" an.

Shaes!eare

D-D+CT-D TO

-DW/D (C0* )0S+C+2*

+2 D--) /T+T4D- FO/

0+S !+5+2 -6M)!-*

( O2- OF 0+S T-M OF WO/7-/S.


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)rolo#ue

Once )!on a tie there were soe children and the" lived in

the ings astle. One da" the" said to one another' ;$hat

shall we do toda"F<

&he ing, the" %new, was +)s", and the" had to a)se

theselves.

;8 %now,< said the Eldest Bo". ;ets !la" /retending.<

;Ges,< the" all sho)ted, ?)!ing )! and down with

exciteent. ;Ges, lets.<

;8f we start now,< said the Eldest Bo", ;we can !la" all da",and that will +e f)n.

;8ll go first,< said the Eldest Bo". ;Go) all follow. 8t isnt far

reall",< he said, !ointing down fro the astle Hates, where

the" stood, to a !lanet t)rning slowl" and rather la+orio)sl"

)!on its axis. ;Go) all %now the wa" weve tal%ed a+o)t it so

often.<

&he" all nodded.

&he Eldest Bo" contin)ed' ;&he" are all !la"ing it downthere, +)t the" dont %now the" are the"ve forgotten. $ell go

show the how to !la" it !ro!erl".

;#ow, dont forget,< he said slowl" and i!ressivel", ;we

shant win, o)r tea wont win,< and he loo%ed !ro)dl" ro)nd

on the little gro)! collected +eside hi, ;)nless we

>E-E-BE>. *nd it wont +e finished : the gae wont +e


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finished and won : till we are all +ac% here safel", having done

his or her +it.

;8ts tea@wor% : each one )st win his own gae so to

s!ea%. *nd "o) will, +" showing the all,< again he !ointeddownwards, ;that its all !retence.

;#ow, when "o) arrive "o) )st learn and get )sed to "heir

r)les, otherwise "o) cant do it all !ro!erl". /la" their gae,

onl" in "o)r own wa" : the >E* wa" : o)r wa".

;#ha$u%un !our soi is the thing to ree+er. Each one to do

his or her +it and dont +other a+o)t the others. *nd whatever

ha!!ens, dont interfere with each other, if "o) do eet in "o)r

travels, even if "o) thin% the other fellow is a!!arentl" a%ing

a )c% of things. Ie wont +e reall", and "o)re )ch ore

li%el" to )c% things )! if "o) interfere.

;Iel!, give a hand, +" all eans, if as%ed, +)t otherwise

leave e +e.

;&he /assword,< he contin)ed after a !a)se.

;Ges, the /asswordF< the" all sho)ted again, ?)!ing )! and

down with exciteent. &he /assword was alwa"s so thrillingand it was so terri+l" i!ortant "o) sho)ldnt forget it.

Otherwise, if "o) et another "o) ightnt recognise hi or

her, s!eciall" if the" were in disg)ise, )nless "o) %new the

/assword.

;&he /assword,< he contin)ed, ;is Follow your own desire&

"o "he 'allows% foo" and af"er .

;8f "o) eet soeone "o) will %now the +" that. One of

"o) sa"s the first half, the other finishes it correctl". *nd it willalso, of co)rse, ta%e "o) an"where "o) want to go it )nloc%s

all gates, raises all draw+ridges, carries "o) thro)gh all dar%

forests, o!ens all d)ngeon doors.<

Ie t)rned awa", then +ac% again' ;8f an" of "o) reall" wants

hel!, 8ll +e there,< he said ;+)t tr" and anage for "o)rselves.

>ee+er that the ore "o) each do individ)all", the ore

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dragons will get %illed. 8ts )ch +est for each to fight and sla"

his own dragon,< and here his e"es flashed, ;than all +e

wrestling with one cha!. Beca)se then wed have seven

dragons to o)r credit, even if it ta%es a little longer, instead of ?)st one. *nd (emem)er , 5OO$ GOC> O$# DES8>E.

#o one elses "o) cant get an"where witho)t that if "o) tr" to

"o)ll get side@trac%ed. *nd ost of all +eware of s)ggestions

fro o)tside !ro!ted +" so@called affection. 8f soeone sa"s

"o) sho)ld do so and so or act in a certain wa", +eware at once.

Dont do it, )nless "o)r chargers at once res!ond to the order

the" alwa"s %now the &r)!et all, and whether it originates

with "o) or fro o)tside. B)t alost invaria+l" a s)ggestion or

order fro o)tside, !ro!ted +" one who !rofesses affection :

so@called : is an effort to give "o) orders, to dictate to "o), and

that is against o)r r)les, for it sashes the /assword.

;#ow to "o)r chargers, oh nightsJ and adies to "o)r

!alfre"s, and off we go.<

*nd he dived off right awa" into the a+"sal s!ace to the

gae of /retence.&he others followed a few seconds +ehind each other. &he"

were each to +ring +ac% as an" slain dragons as the" co)ld.

&hat had +een arranged in the an" ties that the"d disc)ssed

one da" !la"ing this gae.

8f +" evening the" each had +ro)ght +ac% one, the tea

wo)ld have won the gae and shown the !eo!le down +elow

that it was a Hae of /retending. B)t if an"one co)ld !ossi+l"

+ring +ac% seven dead dragons... ohJ that wo)ld +e too excitingfor words.

K..

8t is now towards evening. &he Eldest Bo" is +ac% again. Ie

slew sevent" ties seven.

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&he others are on their wa", +)t none has "et arrived. *ll

have slain one, at least. Soe ore.

&he Eldest Bo" goes +ac% and forth to hover ro)nd, in case

an"one needs hel!. B)t he is ver" content with the wa" theHae is going.

&he ing sits and waits, siling, for the ret)rn of the

children.

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Chapter +

;&he first tie 8 discovered he had that !ec)liarit" was soe

"ears ago when he was sta"ing with " !eo!le. 8d got leave

and coe down and fo)nd hi there. $e went for a wal% one

da" and it ha!!ened then. 8 a not s)re he %new a+o)t it

hiself +efore that.<

;Ie )st +e a 0)eer cha!.<

;Ges, +)t 8 a not s)re there isnt a lot in what he sa"s,< said

another.

;&ell )s a+o)t it, =ac%. 8ve never heard the stor" !ro!erl",and 8ve never gras!ed what it is he is driving at.<

;Ges, do,< said several others.

;*ll right, 8 will,< said =ac%.

&he" were all seated ro)nd the d"ing e+ers of a wood fire

one evening in Se!te+er. * +achelor !art" sta"ing the wee%@

end with =ac% B)rton.

;Before 8 start, does an"one want a drin% the tra"s on the

ta+le over there hel! "o)rselves. -ight as well start at a%ing"o)rselves at hoe right awa". 8 thin% 8ll have one too.<

$hen the" had settled down again, =ac% contin)ed'

;*s 8 was sa"ing, Davidsson and 8 went for a wal% together.<

K..

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;Iow long has that ho)se +een e!t"F< he as%ed.

8 t)rned " head to loo% at a fairl" odern ho)se on o)r left

standing +ac% aong soe trees.

;* atter of soe fo)r onths, 8 sho)ld sa". &he"veover+)ilt the !lace, )nfort)natel", and a ho)se of that siLe

doesnt go easil" nowada"s.<

;5)nn",< he said. ;8t loo%s as tho)gh it had +een )ntenanted

for far longer than that. 8ts f)ll of ghosts and loo%s isera+l"

lonel".<

;$h",< 8 said, ;its not an old ho)se, so it sho)ldnt +e

ha)nted li%e that.<

Ie sto!!ed s)ddenl" in his trac%s, and 8 loo%ed )!. &o "

s)r!rise 8 fo)nd he was loo%ing to o)r right at an old

EliLa+ethan ansion standing in +ig gro)nds ?)st ahead of )s.

;Oh, that,< 8 said. ;&hats old, if "o) li%e, +)t its not

)ntenanted.<

*t that oent a girl cae down a !ath fro the ho)se and

!assed o)t of a little gate near )s. She was o)r gardeners

da)ghter, and she siled at e as she !assed : she had a err"sile.

;8t is )ntenanted,< he said shar!l", ;exce!t for ghosts. *nd

what that child is doing coing o)t of there 8 dont %now. Shes

the onl" alive one there and had no +)siness in s)ch a !lace.<

;She,< 8 re!lied, ;is the )nder@ho)seaid, and the ho)se is

tenanted in fact it +elongs to soe rich !eo!le who +o)ght it

eighteen onths ago. &here, there are soe of the coing

o)t of the ho)se now. &he"ve got g)ests the" often have.<;8 tell "o) the"re all ghosts,< he re!lied st)++ornl", ;and the

ho)se is heart@sic% for want of co!an".<

8 loo%ed at hi in astonishent. Ie seeed agitated and

ver" )!set at soething. 8 thin% it was the first tie hed had

s)ch an ex!erience.

;*ll dead,< he said, as tho)gh s!ea%ing to hiself. ;*nd

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s)ch a lovel" !lace. Sees a traged". 5anc" s)ch a lovel" !lace

+eing )ntenanted.<

;oe on,< 8 said, ;lets ove on.<

8 didnt %now what had coe over hi and wanted to changethe s)+?ect. B)t he wo)ldnt +e diverted.

Soe of the !eo!le were closer to )s now, wal%ing aong

the flowered +orders, chatting together. One of the la)ghed,

and he +ro%e o)t'

;8 told "o) so. oo% at their faces : all dead and that la)gh,

good HodJ how irthless.<

&he girl who had la)ghed was wal%ing with a an, and 8 felt

a thro+ of distress go thro)gh e, for the" were "o)ng and

good@loo%ing and seeed well atched, and the tho)ght of "

own recentl" +ro%en love affair ade e feel heartsic%.

&he" !assed on as we watched, and t)rned a corner ro)nd

soe trees.

;&ragic,< he s!o%e again. ;$h" the devil doesnt soeone

coe and live in the !lace its ?)st aching for it.<

Ie t)rned as he s!o%e and loo%ed at e, +)t " tho)ghtswere still with the eor" of " traged".

;Hood Hod aliveJ< 8 heard hi e?ac)late. ;8f "o) arent dead

too. $hat the hells ha!!ened to "o)F< Ie stared ro)nd hi

with a horrified ex!ression on his face. ;Iere are soe ore,

all dead,< he )ttered, as soe !eo!le a!!eared ro)nd the

+end in o)r !ath.

&hen he s)ddenl" strode forward, and 8 had a ?o+ to %ee!

!ace with hi.*fter soe tie, !assed in silence, he slowed down and

loo%ed at e again.

;$hat in heavens nae ha!!ened to "o),< he said. ;Go)

cant reall" +e dead, tho)gh "o) loo% it. $h" dont "o) wa%e

)! : coe to life. /)ll "o)rself together, an, for Hods sa%e.<

8 didnt in the least %now what he was tal%ing a+o)t, so 8 said

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nothing, ho!ing this extraordinar" ood wo)ld !ass. Ie was

alwa"s !rett" strong@inded in soe wa"s. 8 ean, he had

strong views on soe s)+?ects, +)t 8d never %nown hi

an"thing li%e this +efore.Ie still stood loo%ing at e for soe oents and then

oved on, )ttering ;Hood Hod< )nder his +reath.

Ie was d)e to leave that evening after tea, and exce!t for

+eing rather 0)iet and !reocc)!ied, it seeed " !eo!le didnt

notice an"thing and 8 didnt sa" an"thing to the. B)t 8 noticed

that when the" werent loo%ing at hi he sat and gaLed at their

faces, one after the other, as tho)gh +ewildered and horrified.

K..

&he" all sat silent when =ac% sto!!ed s!ea%ing. &hen one of

the said, ;$ell, what of itF $hat ha!!ened after thatF<

;Oh, onl" ?)st this,< said =ac%. ;Ie sa"s that alost

ever"one in the world is dead, isnt alive at all. *ll going a+o)t

li%e ghosts. Ies a vitall" alive !erson hiself, "o) %now : alwa"s was. 8ntensel" interested in ever"thing of the oent.

5)ll of life, that was the thing that str)c% one so a+o)t hi.

&hen s)ddenl" he realised or rather saw that other !eo!le arent

alive, the"re all wal%ing a+o)t li%e living ghosts. Dissatisfied,

)nf)lfilled, +ored, dragging along li%e )nha!!" ghosts. 8t )!set

hi fearf)ll" when he first saw it clearl", tho)gh he )st have

+een aware of it for a long tie, all his life, in fact.

;Ies got over the shoc% of it now, +)t, " word, doesnt here?oice when he does eet a reall" vitall" alive !erson living

f)ll" in the oent.<

;Go) so)nd as tho)gh "o) agree with hi,< said one of his

listeners.

;8 do. 8 %now what he eans now. &ho)gh it too% e soe

tie to )nderstand. *nd at the tie of which 8ve +een telling

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"o) 8 was ore or less dead. 8 tho)ght " life was wrec%ed +"

a +ro%en engageent, and there didnt see to +e an"thing

worth living for. So 8 )st have a!!eared !artic)larl" awf)l to

hi.;B)t ost !eo!le are li%e that, "o) %now the"ve either

sta"ed dead after soe s)ch ex!erience as 8d had, or the"ve

never "et coe to life at all. *t least, not since the" were

children the" are alive ost of the till the" let it all get

+eaten o)t of the.

;8f "o)d seen hi "o)d %now what 8 ean. (itall" alive,

thats hi. (i+rant with interest in ever"thing and vi+rant with

co!assion, +)t he has no )se for sentient. Ie #O$S what

he #O$S, and he sa"s it is )! to ever"one to BE *8(E

here and now. *nd ver" few of )s are, "o) %now.<

=ac% loo%ed ro)nd at his co!anions and %new his rear%

was tr)e.

;8ts all ver" well for hi,< one growled orosel", ;+)t hes

got soething !erha!s to +e alive a+o)t ost of )s havent

reall".<;$e have,< ra!!ed o)t =ac%, ;o)r Selves, thats what weve

got to +e alive a+o)t and its a ?oll" +ig interest, too. =)st

BE8#H o)rselves, and then ever"thing else of the oent

+ecoes of vital interest +)t were generall" +)s" +eing what

soeone else wants )s to +e, and !)shing o)r Selves into the

+ac%gro)nd instead of ex!ressing o)r real Selves. 8f we did

that, " word, wed have eno)gh interest and +e *8(E all

right.;Ie was 0)ite right when he said to e, $a%e )!, "o)re

dead too.<

;*nd what of those !eo!le in that ho)se : were the" real

!eo!leF<

;Oh, "es, the" were !eo!le in h)an +odies, if thats what

"o) ean. B)t the" werent >E*, the" werent *8(E. Ie

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was 0)ite right, 8 %now that now. &he" were dead !eo!le

wal%ing a+o)t, not iving Beings. 8ve learnt now to %now the

difference.

;#one of "o) is reall" alive, "o) %now,< he contin)ed,loo%ing aro)nd at the with a sile. ;B)t "o) will +e at least 8

ho!e "o) will. *n"wa", "o)ll %now what 8 ean when "o) see

hi.<

;$hen is he coingF<

;&oorrow orning,< =ac% re!lied.

* silence followed, and the one who )! to now had not

s!o%en, said' ;8 s)!!ose he is ore li%e what hrist was than

an"thing we %now.<

;Ges,< said =ac%. ;Exactl", 8ve often tho)gh that. Ie )st +e

what hrist reall" was. 5)ll of vi+rant life, ?o", interest and

co!assion. &he s) total of which constit)tes O(E, so far

as we here are a+le to co!rehend it.<

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Chapter ++

;8t was an aaLing ex!erience.<

=ac% was s!ea%ing.

;One oent 8 was in that roo sha%ing with fear : "o)

%now 8ve alwa"s felt it was ha)nted, and 8 was terrified. &he

next oent 8 was standing on the shores of the a%e of

Halilee, stretching forth " hand and s!ea%ing to the wind and

the rain.

;hrist was standing +" " side, and 8 t)rned and grinned at

Ii as the stor 0)ieted.;Go) see, Ie said, how eas" it is, and 8 nodded. 8d realised

it was si!le, +)t till then 8d never +een a+le to +ring "self

to tr". &ho)gh 8d seen Ii do it so often, and 8 %new Ie was

?)st waiting for )s to follow s)it and do the sae. 8 ree+er

ch)c%ling at the si!licit" of it, and Ie laid Iis Iand on "

sho)lder and said, >e?oice that "o) #O$.

;8t was li%e when "o) are learning to do an"thing "o)

s)ddenl" let "o)rself go and find how si!le it is, once "o)vesto!!ed feeling s)re "o) cant do it !ro!erl" and "o) sa" to

"o)rself after, or, how eas" it is.

;&hen 8 cae +ac% to the roo again and realised it was the

sae thing over again. One had onl" to s!ea% to the heart of

the thing, whatever it was that 8 and others had felt in that

roo, and it wo)ld +e 0)ieted.

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;Go) %now,< he said, t)rning on his ar and loo%ing at the

faces of those sitting aro)nd, ;its ver" si!le reall". *n"one

whos fond of anials : dogs, for instance : %nows that if a

dog gets into a !anic and goes frantic with terror, sna!!ingeven, if he can onl" a%e that dog aware, reach its inner

conscio)sness, a%e his voice !enetrate thro)gh the anials

terror, it will +e caled at once +ro)ght +ac% to itself, as it

were : +ac% to its )s)al sense of sec)rit" and well@+eing. $ell,

the cha! does that +" to)ching the anial or s!ea%ing to it. Ie

reass)res it.

;8t was the sae with the stor one s!o%e to the heart of it,

to its inner Self, and it was soothed its !anic and disorder

gone.

;B)t no@one can do it if the"re !anic%ed theselves. *n"

ore than a cha! co)ld cal his dog if he were in a hell of a

fright hiself. Ied onl" a%e the dog worse. &he"ve ver"

sensitive to o)r oods, anials are so is all #at)re.

;*fter all, we were given doinion over #at)re, to soothe

and g)ide her, not to +e frightened and )!set +" her !anics. Go)see, its we who originall" started her disorders the" coe

fro )s, an, first. $e sho)ld hel! and g)ide, not create dis@

order.

;So, to coe +ac% to the roo. 8 s)ddenl" had the sae

feeling as 8 had +" the a%e it was for e to cal and soothe

and reass)re, not to create ore distress +" !anic%ing.<

Ie sto!!ed s!ea%ing.

#o one s!o%e for a +it. Soe oved a little )ncoforta+l"in their chairs, others sh)ffled their feet or co)ghed. *s en

will in s)ch circ)stances. &ho)gh no one s!o%e, sce!ticis

was conve"ed at this far@fetched stor".

&hen one s!o%e, the "o)ngest e+er : &he ad, =ac%

called hi : who seldo tal%ed the sae one who had as%ed

=ac% on that !revio)s evening when he was descri+ing

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Davidsson to the, ;$asnt he li%e hristF<

&his tie he said, ;o)ld "o) do it again nowF<

* oveent went ro)nd the roo. Ie had voiced their

tho)ghts, +)t whereas the" had +een thin%ing, ;Ie co)ldnt doit now,< he hiself felt ass)red that =ac% co)ld.

;Ges, if the need arose,< said =ac%, 0)ietl", +)t with

conviction. ;Cnless there is a need, one sho)ldnt and wo)ldnt

of co)rse one doesnt s!ea% to the heart )nless the heart wishes

for the word.<

Silence again fell on the gro)!.

=ac% was a c)rio)s cha!, the" agreed aong theselves. Ie

had a disconcerting wa" of tal%ing a+o)t things. So nat)rall",

as if the" were ordinar" to!ics of conversation. &he"

theselves were )n)sed to s)ch s)+?ects, and "et =ac%s ver"

ass)rance co)ld onl" carr" to the a sense of his own

conviction. 8t was c)rio)s how nat)ral he was a+o)t it all,

never in the least e+arrassed and never self@conscio)s as to

what the" ight +e thin%ing.

* few in)tes later the anservant cae in with a tra" of drin%s, and the conversation +ecae general.

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Chapter +++

&wo of the cae in fro an earl" wal% and fo)nd soe of

the !art" at +rea%fast.

;Sorr" were late,< said one.

;Go)re not, and "o) co)ldnt +e, here,< said =ac%. ;#o set

tie for +rea%fast or an" other eal for the atter of that.<

;#o,< said another. ;=ac%s an aaLing cha!, he does not

ind what "o) do or when "o) t)rn )! or dont t)rn )!. 8f "o)

coe down at ten@thirt", "o) find a wonderf)l +rea%fast a!!ear

fro soewhere if "o) want it. *nd if "o) coe down in thever" earl" ho)rs and go and forage, "o)ll find !lent" to eat and

coffee waiting to +e heated, and no one sa"s a word to "o)

after. &he" +ehave as tho)gh it were 0)ite the )s)al thing to do

in another !ersons ho)se. Sae with all the other eals no

ones ever !)t o)t when "o) t)rn )!, and theres alwa"s

soething to eatJ<

;Iave a nice wal%F< as%ed soeone.

;Ges, fine, than%s.<;B" rights "o) sho)ldnt have answered that 0)estion,< said

another.

;$h"F<

;Beca)se a 0)estion is an i!osition it deands an answer.

8n this case Dan over there was +eing !olite, which is ?)st as

+ad, +eca)se its +eing insincere. Sorr", Dan, +)t it is so.

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;8ts not " theor", +)t =ac%s, +)t 8 heartil" agree with hi.

*ll 0)estions are i!osing on the !erson to who the" are

addressed. Hetting their attention. Go) %now "o) tal% a+o)t

!a"ing attention or giving "o)r attention its all giving o)t,and sho)ldnt +e deanded onl" given grat)ito)sl".<

=ac% siled. ;8 ex!ect,< he said, rising fro the ta+le, ;the

ideas we hold here are new to soe of "o) fellows, +)t all the

sae "o)ll find the"re so)nd. #ever to as% a 0)estion )nless it

+e to hel! another, is one of the.<

Ie wandered over to the antel!iece and lit a cigarette.

;$ell,< said one of the two earl" wal%ers, ;8ll vol)nteer

soe inforation grat)ito)sl". $e !assed one of the loveliest

gardens 8 have ever seen to@da". *n ordinar"@loo%ing ho)se,

nothing to write hoe a+o)t, +)t the garden, asses of +loos

of ever" %ind. *nd a girl aong the, altho)gh it was so earl".

She was tal%ing to the flowers as we cae ro)nd the corner.<

;onversing with the, "o) ean,< said =ac%.

;8f "o) li%e its the sae thing.<

;#o, "o) can chat and do all the tal%ing, +)t she tal%s tothe and the" tal% +ac%. &ell her what the" want done, and

how the"re feeling and all that.<

;$e havent told "o) what garden it was "et.<

;#o, +)t 8 %now. &he ad" of the 5lowers, shes called here.

orner ho)se, standing )! a+ove the road.<

;&hats it, and a ?oll" good nae for her too. She loo%ed li%e

one of her own !hloxes as she stood there in a sort of chintL

froc%, and she siled when she saw )s %new, 8 thin%, that wedheard her tal%ing and tho)ght wed +e a)sed, and her face

went all ro)nd and +eaing li%e a !hlox when its fresh with

dew and lit +" the s)n.<

;Ges,< said =ac% ;shes one of the alive. Ier sile is li%e

s)nshine : fro an inner s)n, tho)gh.<

;>efreshing to eet,< said the second wal%er. ;Soeone

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who seeed to have all da" to stand and stare, so to s!ea%.<

;8 %now,< said =ac%. ;She never sees to h)rr", )ch less

h)stle, +)t she gets thro)gh an aaLing ao)nt of wor%. Get if

"o) were to call, shed give "o) the i!ression that shednothing in the world to do +)t to sit 0)iet and tal% or listen to

"o) or wander ro)nd the garden with "o) that is, of co)rse, if

she wishes to see "o).<

;8d li%e to eet her,< said one. ;So)nds so restf)l.<

;8s,< said =ac% and then, ;Ho and call if "o) want to eet

her.<

;Oh, 8 sa", 8 co)ldnt.<

;#ow "o)re +eing conventional instead of nat)ral. 8f "o)

want to go and call, go. $h" cons)lt -essrs. onventionF

&he"re ta+oo here visitors who +ring e+ers of that fir

along with the are not welcoe here. Go)ll find her ight"

interesting to tal% to. Shell tell "o) soe wonderf)ll" thrilling

things. &hat is if she wants to,< with a sile.

;$h"F 8s she standoffishF She didnt loo% it.<

;#o, ?)st sincere and entirel" nat)ral one of those !eo!lewho has the co)rage to BE, and not !retend.<

Iaving said this, =ac% wandered off into the garden.

K..

ater, when ost of the e+ers of the !art" had gone their

res!ective wa"s : golfing, wal%ing or whatever the" !leased :

=ac% sat )nder the trees in the garden 0)ietl" so%ing two satwith hi.

/resentl" a car drew )! at the gate.

;Iello, thats -arian,< said =ac%.

She !assed on into the ho)se and !resentl" rea!!eared and

sli!!ed into one of the vacant chairs so 0)ietl" that the two

visitors were scarcel" aware of her coing. =ac% was tal%ing,

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and the" were, as )s)al, enthralled at what he was sa"ing.

One of the the was &he ad.

;-eet the wife,< =ac% said to hi.

She siled at hi and at the other an who she had et +efore, Donald Iodgson.

;&he wife of the an who wo)ldnt have arried her if he

had %nown,< she said with a ch)c%le.

8t was an old@standing ?o%e, arising fro a conversation the"

had had together in the ver" earl" da"s of their arried life.

;8f "o) as% her soe tie, -arian will tell "o), ad, to what

she is referring,< said =ac% as he siled and loo%ed across the

garden to the distant hills.

;Davidsson hasnt arrived "et,< rear%ed -arian.

;#o, +)t hes coing this orning,< said Donald.

;&hats clever of "o) to %now that,< said =ac% 0)ic%l".

;Go) said so "o)rself last night,< said Donald.

;Did 8F &hen he !ro+a+l" will coe. *s a atter of fact he

never a%es !lans or a!!ointents, so 8 co)ldnt %now in the

ordinar" sense of the word. B)t if 8 said that, he !ro+a+l" will.;*n"wa", hell t)rn )! if and when he feels inclined.<

;Ie said in that letter that hed li%e to dro! in on the !art",<

said -arian, ;so 8 ex!ect he will )nless another ?o+ of wor%

calls hi off.<

;&hat letter.< =ac% la)ghed.

;$ell it was long for hi,< said -arian. ;M)ite six words, if

not one or two ore. *n"thing in the for of a letter is so

)n)s)al fro Davidsson.<;#o, hell never write )nless the s!irit oves hi,< said

=ac%. ;8n other words, )nless he feels the desire. &hats his

)nvar"ing and )nfailing g)ide alwa"s : his desire.< &he two

visitors loo%ed interested. ;Iell !ro+a+l" tell "o) ore a+o)t

that when and if he coes,< =ac% contin)ed.

;Go) co)ld tell the 0)ite a lot,< said -arian. ;Go)r whole

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lifes +ased on it, dear.<

;Go)rs too, -arian.<

;-ostl",< -arian agreed. ;B)t 8 still soeties a +lood"

fool, to )se one of Davidssons favo)rite ex!ressions.<8t was when the others had wandered +ac% fro their vario)s

!lo"s, and were sitting with the )nder the trees, s!rawled on

the grass or in dec% chairs, that Donald s)ggested that -arian

sho)ld tell the wh" =ac% wo)ldnt have arried her if he had

%nown.

=ac% ch)c%led and la" +ac% contentedl" in his chair, !)lling

at his !i!e, while -arian told the of the conversation the"

had had soe fo)r "ears ago. * onolog)e, -arian called it,

following on a rear% of -arians regarding soe neigh+o)rs

of theirs, and =ac%s re!l", sa"ing she co)ld have done the sae

if she felt so inclined.

K..

;-" dear, it is no +)siness of ine what "o) do.<;#o +)siness of "o)rsF< &he woan loo%ed at her h)s+and

in sheer aaLeent.

;#one whateverJ Go) are !erfectl" free to do what "o) li%e,

as far as 8 a concerned.<

;&hen wh" ever did "o) arr" eF<

&he an !a)sed. ;8 dont %now. onvention chiefl". B)t 8

wo)ldnt now.< * sile radiated his whole face.

&he woan loo%ed "stified. She %new he loved her andshe %new she loved hi as few did in this world.

;#o,< the an contin)ed, seeing the ex!ression on her face.

;#o, 8 wo)ldnt now. 8 %now so )ch ore now. O)r wedded

life has ta)ght e so )ch.

;&hen, 8 tho)ght 8 needed convention. *nd, too, the idea of

vows and declarations seeed to a%e so s)re. *lso, 8 +elieved

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then that the h)rchs s!o%en a)thorit" that Hod had ?oined )s

together was ins!ired.

;#ow 8 %now that she sa"s the sae thing to an" two !eo!le

who coe along and as% her to. She a%es no en0)iries as totheir s)ita+ilit", and she hasnt the ins!ired %nowledge to

discern. She ?oins an" two !eo!le together, and then !io)sl"

sa"s Hod has done it and it cannot +e )ndone. $hereas with

o)rselves, 8 #O$ we are affinities ?oined together +" Hod

long +efore the h)rch !erfored her cereon" and as%ed )s

to a%e vows. #ow 8 do not need the ass)rance of vows given

+" "o) or "self to !rove the !eranence and realit" of o)r

love.

;B)t as to " !ossessing "o) and "o) e, that of co)rse is

a+s)rd, and "o) %now it, tho)gh "o) do not realise "o) do. Go)

wo)ld not wish to restrain e or hold e, sho)ld 8 have the

desire to do certain things. #o, "o)r love is s)ch that "o) desire

for e f)ll self@ex!ression, as is ind for "o). 5)ll freedo.

;$e +oth %now that whatever ha!!ens we are in *O+E with

each other, +oth of )s in O(E. *nd for the rest, to )s there areno +onds, no deands, no liiting each other, no asserting of

rights, for there are no rights. $e ?)st *>E, in O(E.

;$ith regard to the co)!le "o) were disc)ssing, well, that is

different in one wa". &he" are arried +" the h)rch, +)t not

$ED, not affinities so nat)rall", if the one tries to hold the

other, there are s)re to +e disastro)s res)lts fro that ones

!oint of view.

;&he" thin% the" are now entitled to control each other.-a%e certain deands of each other. *nd +e !)nished if either

of the +rea%s the vows the" ade at the h)rchs re0)est,

either here +" +eing divorced or hereafter +" an indignant Hod.

$hereas, if Hod is ca!a+le of indignation, which 8 do)+t

altogether, Ie is too f)ll of co!assion and )nderstanding Iis

indignation wo)ld +e far ore concerning the !res)!tion of

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one so)l daring to control another and against an organisation

which, in Iis #ae, a%es !res)!t)o)s stateents.

;B)t, " dear, Ie has no indignation of that 8 a

convinced, for indignation is the o)tcoe of the desire tocontrol and dictate, and 8 dont +elieve even Hod wishes to do

that. $ith Ii, $ho ade )s all in the +eginning 5>EE

SOCS, Iis is a co!assion which will g)ide and tend )s if

we wish it, +)t never drive, never force, never control.

;8t is )! to each of )s to realise we are 8ndivid)als, and to

ref)se to +e interfered with. 8f we ref)se to +e interfered with

the interferer will in tie learn +etter. B)t he is not to +lae it

is the one who !)ts hi or herself )nder that control, instead of

realising and claiing their Birthright of 5reedo.

;So now "o) see wh" 8 wo)ld not arr" "o) now, %nowing

what 8 do. 8t wo)ld +e to ins)lt o)r ove and to ins)lt each

other, +" deanding rights which are not as%ed of others : +"

the 5ree.<

Iis wife loo%ed )! at hi and siled .

;Ges,< she said, ;8 see now, and, of co)rse, as "o) sa", 8new it +efore +)t " ind wor%ed in the conventional line.

$hereas now 8 realise the ind #O$S nothing, it onl"

wor%s on other !eo!les ideas, the heart onl" #O$S.<

;Ges,< said her h)s+and ;even when 8 sa", " dear, 8 do

not ean "o) are ine !ossessivel", +)t dear to e : so clear.

*nd we !ass fro one glorio)s #O$8#H to another, hand in

hand, +)t alwa"s O)rselves, alwa"s 5>EE.<

K..

-arian wandered off after she had finished her stor", leaving

the others sitting in tho)ghtf)l silence.

/resentl" the" sa)ntered in, in twos and threes. 8n the dining@

roo the firstcoers fo)nd -arian alread" seated and well

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thro)gh her eal.

She siled at the and said, ;Go) %now, of co)rse, that

ever"one here feeds when the" li%e.<

;Ges, so we were infored at +rea%fast. $hat a wonderf)leas" and ha!!"@go@l)c%" existence, +)t 8 dont %now how "o)

get the servants to do it.<

;Ia!!" and go@follow@"o)r@desire life,< said -arian. ;&hats

the onl" thing that +rings ha!!iness and )sef)lness : real

)sef)lness. *s for the servants, well, the" do the sae, follow

their desires or inclinations the res)lt is that there is alwa"s a

+rea%fast +eing coo%ed, or a l)nch or s)!!er ?)st !re!ared

when an"one wanders in for it at an odd oent.<

;$onderf)l,< said the other. ;5anc" having a an@servant

and a coo% who felt the inclination to do that sort of thing at

an" old ho)r.<

;$ell, "o) see, the"re here +eca)se their desire is to ex!ress

theselves in that for, so the"re altogether ha!!", in fact

the" revel in it.<

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Chapter +5

8t was in the earl" afternoon that Davidsson arrived. #o one

heard hi coing he s)ddenl" a!!eared fro aong the trees

and sli!!ed into an e!t" chair.

=ac% was tal%ing at the tie and did not sto!. &hose who

%new hi, %new +etter than to a%e an" oveent to dist)r+

the s!ea%er, and the others were not aware of who he was.

Ie sat 0)ietl" listening while =ac% tal%ed, !)lling at his !i!e.

$hen he had finished, =ac% said';Hood to see "o),< and, with a wave of the hand, ;&his is

the !resent fail", Davidsson.<

;8 cae along this orning and sto!!ed on " wa" to call

on &he ad" of the 5lowers. 8 ex!ect ost of "o) have et her

or heard of her fro =ac% and -arian.

;S)ch a !eacef)l so)l, and, " word, what co)rage.

;8f "o) havent heard it, 8d li%e to tell "o) fellows how she

first started to live : +ro%e awa", in other words, and too% her freedo.<

&his was characteristic of Davidsson he didnt !reach, and

he never tried to force !eo!le, he ?)st soehow seeed aware

of their need, and then wo)ld tell a stor" which !)t his !oint

i!ersonall". Soeties it was an iaginar" stor", often one

of real life. B)t whatever it was it alwa"s a!!ealed to one or

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often ore of his listeners ?)st giving the advice or hel!

needed.

K..

&he little cloc% on the antel!iece tic%ed !ril" the little

lad" in the ar@chair sat !ril", straight +ac%ed, !la"ing

!atience ever"thing in the roo was !ri and !erfect and well

+ehaved. &erri+l" !ri and alwa"s wo)ld +e, so tho)ght the

girl sitting with her feet t)c%ed )! on the sofa, as she glanced

aro)nd the roo.

&hen she dro!!ed her head once ore and +ecae a+sor+ed

in her +oo%.

&ie sli!!ed +" the little lad" sh)ffled her cards

!re!arator" to starting another gae.

S)ddenl" the girl on the sofa sh)t her +oo% with a +ang, and,

throwing o)t her legs, landed the on the floor with a lo)d

th)d.

&he little lad" gave a horrified start and loo%ed ro)nd over the to! of her glasses.

;-" dear, how "o) startled eJ Did "o) fall aslee! and dro!

"o)r +oo%, or whatF<

;#o, *)ntie, 8 did nothing of the sort. 8 +anged " +oo% sh)t

and 8 threw " legs o)t so, and th)!ed the on the floor so,

on !)r!ose,< said the girl, re!eating the !rocess for her a)nts

+enefit.

&he little lad" gas!ed. $hatever was the atterF B)t +eforeshe co)ld s!ea% the girl went on'

;Ges, *)ntie, thats e. 8 !erfectl" sane "o) neednt loo%

so concerned onl" for the first tie in " life 8ve coe to

"self li%e the !rodigal son did, and 8ve decided to BE

-GSE5 and let ever"thing else go hang.<

B" this tie the little lad" showed signs of iediate

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!rostration fro shoc%.

;-" dear,< she said, ;whatever have "o) +een reading nowF

&hese odern novels are soe of the ost )ndesira+le, and

the" do see to affect "o) soeties, 8ve noticed.<;Ges, *)ntie, 8 have +een wor%ing )! for this for soe tie

a"+e "o) have seen s"!tos. B)t its not a odern novel

8ve +een reading, +)t a great and glorio)s +oo% which tells "o)

to +e "o)rself and follow "o)r Desire.<

&he little lad" +lin%ed and o!ened and closed her o)th

several ties, +)t words failed her. Iad her niece got a to)ch

of the s)n when she was o)t this afternoon or whatF

;Dont loo% as tho)gh "o) were a!!roaching an a!o!lectic

fit, dear *)ntie,< cried the girl. ;&his has +een coing on for

soe tie, onl" "o) havent noticed. *nd now 8 reall" a

going to &*E -G 5>EEDO-.<

*gain the little lad" felt a sensation as of the world having

s)ddenl" t)rned )!side down. Ier little niece, +arel" nineteen

"ears old, alwa"s so well +ehaved and lad"@li%e, ever"thing

that she co)ld wish, what had ha!!ened to herFShe said soothingl"' ;>)n along to +ed, " dear, and 8ll

+ring "o) a nice war drin% and t)c% "o) )!. Go)ll feel +etter

in the orning.<

&he girl ch)c%led, ;Oh no, 8 wont, and oh no, "o) dont,

*)ntie dear.

;8f an"one t)c%s e )! it wont +e "o), itll +e soe+od"

thrilling, tho)gh 8 dont s)!!ose 8ll find hi tonight, nor for

an" nights for that atter. 8 not overl" eas" to !lease.;B)t, an"wa", 8 off o)t now to see what 8 can find.<

She fl)ng her ars a+ove her head with a gest)re as tho)gh

gras!ing the free air, and then s%i!!ed across the roo to the

door.

&he little lad" sat in s!eechless horror. Iad she gone ad,

had her niece gone ad, or what had ha!!enedF

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&)rning as she reached the door, the girl loo%ed +ac%, and

seeing her a)nts st)nned ex!ression, ran across the roo and

%issed her lightl" on the forehead.

;heer )!, *)ntie,< she said. ;Go)ll get )sed to it in tie.8 not )ni0)e h)ndreds of others are doing what 8 going to

do, onl" 8ve +een so long wa%ing )! and ta%ing " co)rage in

+oth hands.<

*s she said this she stoo!ed over her a)nt and extended her

hands, then gentl" closing the, held the tight sh)t.

;See, *)ntie, there, 8ve got it tightl" and safel" in +oth

hands,< and with this she la)ghed and ran fro the roo,

closing the door +ehind her.

8n the little hall she onl" sto!!ed to !ic% )! her +ag and a

war +)t sart coat and ran down the stairs.

Sto!!ing at the flat on the next floor, she %noc%ed gentl" on

the door then witho)t waiting for a re!l", t)rned the handle

and wal%ed in.

rossing the !assage she entered a roo.

;Dont "o) ever loc% "o)r front doorF< she as%ed, and,witho)t waiting for a re!l"'

;8 cae straight in +eca)se 8 wanted to, and "o) )st t)rn

e o)t if "o) dont want eJ<

&he lad" in the corner loo%ed )! in soe s)r!rise'

;Go) see excited :<

;8 a. 8ve ?)st finished the +oo% "o) lent e and 8ve ade

)! " ind : definitel" ade it )! : that 8 a going to follow

" desire, as it sa"s, fro now onwards.;8 going o)t now +eca)se 8 want to, and 8 !ro+a+l" shall

not coe in till late, or the earl" ho)rs of toorrow, rather. Oh,

isnt it f)n, all +" "selfJ : no one to chec% e or to sa", -"

dear, "o) )stnt :. Oh, -offles, "o) are a friend to lend e a

+oo% li%e that.<

;B)t, " dear, 8 dont %now that 8 ex!ected "o) to ta%e it as

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literall" as all that 8 ean, what will "o)r a)nt and ever"+od"

sa"F<

;Oh, "o) old fra)d, "o) havent got there "o)rself at all,

altho)gh "o)ve tal%ed a lot a+o)t it to e and others. Oh,-offles.<

;-" dear, what an extraordinar" nae to call e +".<

;8 %now, 8ve never done it +efore, tho)gh 8ve alwa"s

wanted to. #ow 8 a doing it, +eca)se 8 want to now. 8ts a

?)+le of -)ff and $offles, whatever the" are. &he" so)nd

good, an"wa". Go) see, dear, "o) alwa"s see to e to +e so

near f)lfilling "o)rself, "o)r life, and then ?)st drawing +ac%

and s!oiling it all. -)ffing it as the +o"s )sed to call it, when

soeone dro!!ed a catch.

;-offles, dear, if "o) dont loo% o)t "o) will )ff )! "o)r

life and ?)st iss ever"thing. Go) get so far and then soeone

or soething !)lls "o) +ac% with a ?er%, and "o) +ecoe

conventional and !i@ish again. *s tho)gh "o) s)ddenl"

ree+ered to cons)lt soe !ri old +od" fro "o)r

childhoods da"s, who +ro)ght "o) )! ver" strictl", and whos !ro+a+l" dead and +)ried long ago, +)t who still ?)st %ee!s "o)

on a string, so that "o) darent fling all to the winds and dive as

8 a doing tonight.

;Do "o) %now,< she said s)ddenl", ;8 dont +elieve 8ve ever

ade s)ch a long s!eech on " own +eforeJ 8snt it f)nJ &hats

+eca)se 8 wanted to sa" it, so 8 did. Oh, -offles, 8 so want to

sha%e "o). oe and dive, dear coe o)t with e, and well

get tight together and en?o" o)rselves.<;-" dearJ what are "o) sa"ingF $hat wo)ld "o) a)nt sa" if

she heard "o)F<

;Ieard eJ 8 said )ch worse things to her +efore 8 cae

down. $h", -offles, 8 reall" do +elieve "o)re one of those

!eo!le who tal% and dont act. Deeds not words, the writer of

that +oo% sa"s.<

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;Ges, " dear, +)t one cant ta%e all that literall". 8 ean,

thin% what the"d sa" :<

;&he"F $ho are the"F $hoever do "o) eanF<

;$h", !eo!le, dear one has to consider other !eo!lesfeelings.<

;Other !eo!le +e +lowed. $ho cares what other !eo!le

thin%F 8ve +een s!oon@fed with that ever since 8 arrived in the

n)rser". *nd here "o)ve +een, glorio)sl" hel!ing e and

telling e all a+o)t +eing ones self and living ones own life

and doing what one wants to do, and now that 8 deterine to do

so and as% "o) to do the sae, "o) sa", $hat will "hey sa". Be

+lowed to the, 8 sa".<

;-" dear :< re!rovingl".

;Oh "es, 8 %now, +)t "o)ll hear )ch worse +efore 8ve

done, so "o) ight as well get )sed to it. #ow listen, -offles

dear, and 8ll tell "o) the !lan. 8ve +een storing it )! in "

ind and hatching it o)t ever since 8 read the first cha!ter of

that +oo% "o) lent e. 8 going off on " own. ate tonight,

when *)nties aslee!, 8 going to cree! in, !ac% " case andgo off into the )n%nown, and do what 8ve alwa"s wanted to

do.<

;*nd what is that, a" one as%F<

;#oJ 8 telling no one, not even "o). &hen, when *)ntie

coes f)ssing down cl)c%ing li%e an old hen, "o)ll %now

nothing and so cant tell her an"thing.<

;B)t, " dear, have "o) an" one"F Iow are "o) going to

liveF<;*s a atter of fact 8 have a little, an odd h)ndred !o)nds

that Cncle left e and *)ntie invested for e, and the other

da" 8 realised it sold it o)t, "o) %now. 8 did that when 8 got to

the end of ha!ter 8( in the +oo%, and its all in the +an%

waiting to +e )sed. *nd, an"wa", -offles dear, 8ve anaged

!rett" well )! to now. 8 ean, 8 didnt +ring an" one" with

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e when 8 was +orn, did 8, and "et Hod, or whoever it is,

sees to have seen that 8 was !rovided for )! to now, so 8 dont

see wh" Ie sho)ldnt contin)e to do so.<

&hen, ?)!ing )!, she said' ;*nd so thats that, and are "o)s)re "o) wont coe o)t and drin%, drin% to " 5>EEDO-F

*nd, oh, 8 wish it were "o)rs, too.<

;-ineF -" dear, 8 a !erfectl" free, than% "o). *n

inde!endent old s!inster with an inde!endent little incoe :<

;Ges, +)t all da" long "o) iss the f)n, and dont do all the

things "o)d love to do +eca)se "o) ta%e orders fro &he.<

;&heF<

;Ges, &he "o)re alwa"s sa"ing to e' Go) )st or

)stnt do it li%e that, and when 8 sa", $h"F "o) sa", &he"

sa" "o) )st, or &he" sa" "o) )stnt. OhJ 8 wish "o)

wo)ldnt t)rn +ac% to cons)lt &he in "o)r ind all the tie.

8d love to see "o) a+sol)tel" s!ontaneo)s for once. Do it,

-offles dear, shoc% e all, whatever it a" +e. *n"thing,

ever"thing, so long as "o) sash this ta%ing orders fro other

!eo!le.;*nd now, 8 reall" have horrified "o). Oh, dont go on

)ffing, -offles dear, all "o)r life. Go)re onl" ?)st over fort",

"o) %now, and "o) co)ld have so )ch f)n, and "o)re s)ch a

lovel" woffl" thing reall". *ll +eas and siles and a!!roval

and longing to do things, when "o)re not thin%ing of what

the"ll sa" or the"ll thin%.

;8 off now, 8ve ?)st ade a second decision. 8 not even

going +ac% for " case or an"thing, for *)ntie will !ro+a+l" +e sitting )! for e. 8ll dro! a note into the letter@+ox and tell

her 8 off into the +l)e and that shes not to worr", for Hod can

loo% after e alost as well as she or even a +it +etter, 8 fanc".

;$ell, so long, -offles dear "o) are a dear, "o) %nowJ $ith

"o)r lovel" sile and "o)r tied@+"@the@leg@to@soeone@who@

r)led@e@in@"@n)rser"@da"s@and@does@so@still attit)de of

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ind. $h", even "o)r dear little flat is all li%e that. -)st +e

?)st so, )st +e cleaned and washed and d)sted. 8t isnt done

not to do s)ch things ever" da", and so thoro)ghl". $ell, no

ore s)ch orders and r)les for e. 8 off, -offles dear,good+"e.<

K..

8t was soe onths after that the sae failiar %noc% cae

at the flat door and a fig)re ti!toed in.

;*ll safe, -offles dear, no one a+o)tF< said the girl as she

d)!ed herself down on the !o)ffe at -offles feet.

&he other stared at her.

;$ell, -offles, what do "o) seeF Do 8 loo% starved or

isera+le or careworn or cr)shed with the r)de awa%ening that

life and ex!erience have +ro)ghtF<

;#o, " dear, "o) loo% lovel", radiant, as "o) sit there

h)gging "o)r %nees. ife sees to have treated "o) %indl".<

;8 dont %now a+o)t that, +)t " Desire has led eglorio)sl". isten, -offles, its so lovel" "o) +ecoe ore

and ore att)ned to it. *t first !eo!le +)tt in and tr" to fr)strate

one +" s)ggestions. Onl" for ones good, the" sa", or 8

tho)ght "o)d li%e it it sees to e s)ch a good idea. B)t

grad)all" "o) learn never to +e dictated to +" an" living so)l,

and so "o) 58#D "o)r Self and then "o) 5C58 "o)r Self.

Go) cant go wrong then as the writer of the +oo% said' 8f "o)

cant +e tr)e to "o)r own self, who "o) do %now, how can"o) +e tr)e to others, who "o) dont %nowF 5or we %now

ver" little a+o)t others reall", -offles we onl" "hin we do.<

/resentl", after a silence, d)ring which the other sat ver"

0)iet'

;-offles dear, have "o) got tight "etF Do sa" "o) haveJ Or

even tried to, for its then that one rises free a+ove the things

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that ir% and !ress on one, and one sees things as the" reall" are

: ones >eal Self gets released soehow.

;8 see to +e in that lovel" state all the tie now witho)t

drin%ing. 8 see to +e a+ove ever"thing, and "et so )ch a !artof ever"thing. 8ts wonderf)l, +)t its onl" so so long as 8 %ee!

" Desire )nta!ered with +" o)tside infl)ences. Oh, -offles

dear, dont loo% so concerned. Do soething )nconventional

for once, -offles dear an"thing, so that "o) sash that

doination of disa!!roval +" &he. 8f "o) dont li%e the idea

of having a drin%, do soething else +)t that is a lovel" wa" to

start, +eca)se so an" !eo!le disa!!rove of it and !eo!le li%e

"o)rself are so afraid of letting theselves go. et go and BE,

-offles dear, doJ doJ<

&he" chatted on, and at last the girl rose.

;8 off now,< she said.

;-)st "o) goF<

;#o 8 never -CS& do an"thing, +)t 8 want to go, and so 8

going. *)ntie, did "o) sa"F #o, 8 a not visiting her tonight :

not for an" a long night. $hen she has ceased to thin% that 8SIOCD go and see her then a"+e one da" 8 will.<

eft alone in her flat, the other sat and tho)ght and tho)ght,

then rising, did all the little things she did each night, one +"

one. She shoo% her head r)ef)ll" as she ree+ered the girls

words'

;8 never do an"thing the sae wa" twice : its so

onotono)s doing things +" r)le of th)+ one +ecoes the

slave of ha+it. 8 ?)st follow " desire each oent of the da",and oh, 8 a so ha!!", for 8 onl" can f)lfil " Self, "o) %now.

#o one else can do it for e.<

She !a)sed, her hand on the +edroo door. She was getting

old, she felt so )ch in life had !assed her +". $hat a

difference +etween herself and that child. She existed, the girl

8(ED ever" oent of her life. Iow she envied herJ B)t it

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was all right for her, she co)ld do it. 5or herself : well, s)ch

things ?)st werent done, whatever wo)ld !eo!le thin% if :

5ar awa" the girl was thin%ing to herself, ;#ow shell have

entered her little roo, and slowl" closing the door )!onfreedo, shell have sh)t herself in with those Others whose

o!inions r)le and doinate her life.<

K..

;>elatives,< Davidsson contin)ed, ;are a great st)+ling

+loc%. So an" tri! )! over the. &he" cl)tch and hold on.

lai rights of %inshi!, and ha!er the freedo of

individ)als. /it", is the note the" !la" on ost, tr"ing to ro)se

the !it" of the one see%ing freedo. Either +" !ointing o)t

their own need of the, their care or financial s)!!ort, or +"

e!hasising their own s)ffering fro anxiet" thro)gh not

%nowing what has ha!!ened to the wanderer and whether the"

are safe and well.

;&he sae answer a!!lies to +oth !ro+les' Hod can loo% after "o) as well as 8 can and after e ?)st as well as "o) can,

and !erha!s a little +it +etterJ

;&his stor" 8 will tell "o) now shows "o) what 8 ean.<

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40/184

fail" and deanding, coanding, his attendance.

&he letter had +een acco!anied +" another fro his sister,

!ointing o)t his filial d)ties and +egging hi not to +e selfish,

+)t to consider the 5ail" with a ca!ital 5, as tho)gh therewere +)t one fail" in the world. *nd finall", reinding hi

of his fathers delicate state of health, and how the fail"

doctor was alwa"s sa"ing that an" strong eotion ight ca)se

his father to have an a!o!lectic fit, which wo)ld )ndo)+tedl"

!rove fatal.

Since he had so often given o)t his intention of not attending

the fail" farce, as he called it, he was indignant at this t)rn of

events the ore so since he had arranged an o)ting for that

!artic)lar evening with his ;girl< to who, +)t for his fathers

consent, he was alread" engaged. &herein la" another so)rce of

revolt against his fail", for he %new that the woan of his

choice wo)ld not +e a!!roved +" the. Ie felt certain of his

fathers ref)sal of !arental consent and of the fail"

o!!osition.

;#ot o)r class,< he co)ld hear the sa"ing. ;Iow dare heconsider s)ch a thingJ $hat a coe@down, what an ins)lt to the

5ail"J<

$hen he was twent"@one, in a little over a "ears tie, he

intended to ta%e the atter into his own hands. &ill then : oh,

dan the fail".

Iowever, his sisters letter had dist)r+ed hi. &he force with

which his father had written, now ore and ore indicated to

hi, as he sat far into the night +rooding over the atter, theshoc% which his re!l", written in hot haste and des!atched

+efore tho)ght co)ld intervene, wo)ld ca)se the old an.

Hrad)all" his revolt against the fail" +onds and deands

was s)!erseded +" the tho)ght of his father and the !ossi+le

res)lt on the eve of the cele+rations. *n" other tie wo)ldnt

have attered so )ch, so his tho)ghts ran. *nd all the clan

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collected there.

So his tho)ghts had r)n on, till, in a oent of vacillation,

followed +" reorse and self@condenation at his own

selfishness, he had decided to ring )! his girl and ex!lain hisina+ilit" to +e with her that evening, as he was called awa" +"

his fail". D)t", "o) %now, and all that.

Dan it all, d)t"J 8ndignation had once ore got the )!!er

hand, and the eternal revolt within hi for freedo to f)lfil

hiself and +rea% awa" fro the fail" restrictions. &his,

however, after )ch circling, he had allowed to +e s)+erged,

and after having r)ng )! he wo)ld, hed decided, otor down

!ost haste in tie for the fail" dinner. *nd if !ossi+le in tie

to interce!t his own letter to his father, which wo)ld not arrive

till second !ost.

Ie had +een late starting o)t. Ie had diffic)lt" in getting

thro)gh on the tele!hone and catching her, and then there had

+een a long disc)ssion. She had seeed so anxio)s he sho)ld

stand )! to his fail" and sash this thing once and for all. Ie

had +een )na+le to tal% her ro)nd, for she 0)oted all his ownreasons so often )sed +" hiself to her, for the need of

+rea%ing with their restricting ties.

&he end had +een )nsatisfactor". She had not +een h)rt, +)t

regretf)l at his ste!!ing +ac% li%e that fro his lifes !)r!ose.

Iowever, since tie had !assed all too 0)ic%l", he had s!ed

off, travelling at fift" ost of the wa".

&hen, nearing the town close to his hoe, he ree+ered

s)ddenl" ro)nd a +end seeing a large chara+anc coing headon. &here was no roo to swerve, and no tie to +ra%e.

Ie ree+ered that )ch, nothing ore. Iis +rain seeed

s)ddenl" to n)+ again. One thing onl" reained clear to hi'

he )st find his father and ex!lain +efore he read that letter,

and, an"wa", +efore an" ill@effects followed it. Ie ?)!ed )!

and started off +lindl" in search of hi.

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K..

Iaving wandered for soe tie, he cae to a !o!)lated !artwhere crowds of !eo!le seeed gathered together.

Ie dashed in aongst the, loo%ing first at one and then at

another, and s)ddenl" realising the ho!elessness of his errand,

sto!!ed, not %nowing what to do next.

&hese !eo!le, he s)!!osed, )st +e sight@seers or locals,

collected for his +rothers coing of age cele+rations.

oo%ing aro)nd, his e"e fell on a an wal%ing o)tside the

crowd. Iis carriage and attit)de conve"ed the idea of one in

a)thorit". ;* +o++", a"+e,< he said to hiself.

$al%ing )! to hi, he said' ;Iave "o) seen " father a+o)t

8 loo%ing for hi.<

&he other loo%ed at hi and then siled. ;OhJ< he said. ;*

new@coer. 8 dont %now that 8 can hel! "o) )ch, +)t 8ll ta%e

"o) to where the hoe@ties are renewed.<

&)rning ro)nd, he led the wa" to a !assage and )! soeste!s on to a !latfor. *ro)nd, crowds of !eo!le were

gathered. &ho)sands and tho)sands, it seeed, as far as the e"e

co)ld see.

*t the far end of the !latfor soeone had ?)st descended

+" soe ste!s, and was +eing, a!!arentl", followed +" !eo!le

of all t"!es and ages.

Iis g)ide s)ddenl" stoo!ed, and !ic%ing )! a h)ge +ell, rang

it.Silence iediatel" followed.

;&his an,< he sho)ted, ;is see%ing his father.<

&he silence was alost iediatel" +ro%en +" an onr)sh of

!eo!le fro all !arts of the crowd. Ie watched with interest,

wondering what the" were )! to.

Iis g)ide t)rned to hi.

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44/184

Ie contin)ed' ;&oorrow 8 was going to attend " +rothers

: <

;Oh, "o) were going to -orrow,< said the other. ;&hen

"o)ve coe to the wrong !lace thats down +elow, if it is atall, tho)gh the" sa" there the" never coe to it. Iere "o)ll

onl" find &oda". *s 8 told "o), theres no tie here, or all tie,

whichever "o) li%e. Ience, these,< and he ?er%ed his th)+

over his sho)lder at the crowd, contin)ing' ;Go) as%ed for "o)r

fathers. $ell, there "o) are.<

;8 did nothing of the sort,< said the "o)ng an indignantl".

;8 said 8 wanted to find " father, ord :: <

;One and the sae thing,< said the other 0)ietl". ;Go) onl"

had one at a tie, +)t there the" all are, each "o)r father once.<

;-" H-T F< sho)ted the "o)ng an. ;&his ra++leF< and

then !a)sing ;Dont +e a fool, an 8ve heard of a an having

several sons, +)t never a son having several fathers. oe,

coe : <

Iis e"e ran over the crowd again. &he" were a ixed lot.

Soe well dressed and aristocratic loo%ing others sha++"loo%ing and )n!leasant others refined loo%ing +)t !oor others

intensel" evil loo%ing. 8n one and all as he loo%ed he saw a

res!onding glance of !ossessive recognition, and it filled hi

with an )n%nown fear.

;$ho,< he said, t)rning to the an at his side, ;are these

!eo!leF<

;*s 8 told "o), "o)r fathers. Go) called the, and theres no

tie here, as 8 also told "o). So the"re each still "o)r father )ntil "o) disown the.<

*t this oent an elderl" an !)shed hiself forward, and

seiLing the "o)ng an +" the ar sw)ng hi ro)nd.

;Iere "o) are, "o) "o)ng rascal,< he sho)ted, then !a)sed,

)na+le to )tter the words which seeed in danger of cho%ing

hi.

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;I)llo, Dad,< said the "o)ng an. ;*t last, 8ve +een

h)nting for "o) ever"where.<

*t his greeting of ;I)llo, Dad< the crowd had started to r)sh

forward again.;8 sa", Dad, stead",< he said hastil". ;al "o)rself, Dad

"o) %now what the doctors alwa"s warning "o), if "o) get

excited. Go)ll have a : er and er.<

;Iave,< sna!!ed the other.

;Go) haveJ Go) have what, DadF<

;$hat "o) hadnt the g)ts to sa" ?)st now. Go)ll have a

stro%e and die. $ell, 8 have, than%s to "o) and "o)r letterJ

8ns)+ordination,< and he s!l)ttered again.

&he "o)ng an loo%ed at hi, wondering if his +rain had

given wa". &a%ing hi +" the ar, he said gentl", ;ets get

soewhere alone, and tal% 0)ietl",< +)t as he t)rned to go the

crowd closed in.

;Oh, no, "o) dont,< the" sho)ted. ;Ie called )s, and hes

o)rs as )ch as "o)rs.<

One too% hold of his ar and, leering into his face, said,;oe on, " lad.<

*t the sae oent another, !)shing hi aside, loo%ed

down at the "o)ng an. Ie was well dressed, and, tho)gh he

said nothing, a nod of his head indicated that he ex!ected to +e

o+e"ed.

Both en, when he loo%ed at the, conve"ed the sae

feeling of inner terror, of soething indefina+le +)t +inding, as

tho)gh the" had a hold over hi, a rightf)l hold. Ie sh)ddered,and loo%ing ro)nd his e"e fell on still another close +". * sall

old an who loo%ed at hi !atheticall" and said, ;-" son, "

son.<

&he "o)ng an had a s)dden desire to cofort this old an.

Ie felt !it" s)rge thro)gh hi. B)t instantl" the cr" was

res)ed' ;#o, hes o)rs as )ch as "o)rs.<

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&he "o)ng an loo%ed ro)nd des!eratel", and seeing the

an who had acted as his g)ide standing near, said' ;$hat the

dic%ens are the" afterF *re the" all ad, or whatF<

;#o,< re!lied the other. ;-ore li%e it "o) are, to let the doit.<

;et the do itJ< he said in aaLeent. ;8 wish the"d all go

to hell.<

;$ell, tell the to. *ll of the.<

;$o)ld the" go if 8 didF<

;Of co)rse,< said the other.

Ie t)rned. ;8 will, then. Iere, Dad, coe along, 8 going to

+)LL the off.<

;One and all, 8 said,< the g)ide s!o%e again. ;Go) cant

recognise one tie and not the others, "o) %now. *ll these have

+een "o)r fathers to "o) in soe life. Iavent "o) realised that

"etF *nd if "o) recognise one tie "o) recognise the others.

-ore coing,< he said 0)ietl" as his e"e wandered to the

o)tside of the crowd.

&he "o)ng an loo%ed, too, and there he saw, now, crowdsof others thronging. $oen too.

;Brothers, others, sisters, wives,< the g)ides voice died

awa" as he loo%ed o)twards again. &hen he contin)ed' ;*ll

these were s)ch to "o) once.<

;$hatJ< cried the "o)ng an. B)t as he loo%ed into each

face he saw the sae answering glance of !ossessive

recognition.

;$ell, +rea% free once and for all,< said the other. ;Go)nearl" did on earth, and ?)st failed +eca)se "o) vacillated.<

&he crowd s)rged onwards again. * feeling of )n%nown

terror shoo% hi again, a hel!less, awf)l, feeling of +eing

thwarted and s)ffocated.

S)ddenl" a so)nd rose fro afar. 8t cae carried on the

wind. &he crowd !a)sed, loo%ing frightened. Soe )r)red,

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;&h)nder


48/184

;#ow go,< said a voice, ;and show the the wa" down

there.<

$as the voice fro witho)t or within hiselfF Ie co)ld not

tell.;8 go,< he said and, t)rning, went.

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Chapter 5+

&hose who so wished had had tea, and now the" sat in the

garden chatting.

;&here are two en coing along later, =ac%, and 8d li%e to

tell "o) one or two things a+o)t each of the.<

8t was Davidsson s!ea%ing.

*n ex!ectant h)sh fell over the !art" all felt another stor"

was a+o)t to follow. &he ad leant forward eagerl".

* eor" stirred within hi of One $ho once said' ;8 havesoewhat to sa" )nto thee,< and +eneath his +reath he

whis!ered the re!l", ;&eacher, sa" on.<

;Davidssons e"es wandered ro)nd and rested for a oent

on &he ad. &hen t)rning awa", he contin)ed'

K..

;&he old tavern was dar% and ill@lit. &he !anelling ro)nd itswalls was dirt" and )n%e!t.

Sit)ated in a s0)alid district, onl" the reall" !oor and the

down and o)ts fre0)ented it.

8n a corner a an sat. Iis hand shoo% as he !o)red a dash of

water into the !ortion of whis%" +eside hi. Ie onl" added the

water to a%e the drin% go f)rther.

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Ie felt in his !oc%et and +ro)ght o)t two coins, one shilling

and a six!ence that was all he had left for tonight : onl" one

ore do)+le. Still, he was +eginning to feel nicel" f)ddled, less

tort)red.&he door sw)ng o!en s)ddenl" and a fig)re st)+led in and

san% down on a near+" +ench, a h)ddled hea!, his head +owed

with exha)stion.

* +aran cae across the +o", for he was little ore,

tho)gh !overt" and want had alread" left their ar%s )!on

hi, lifted his head.

;* half,< he )r)red. ;*ll 8 can afford.<

&he +aran waited, growing i!atient while he f)+led in

his !oc%ets. Ie %new this %ind' ex!erience had ta)ght hi to

ta%e the one" +efore s)!!l"ing their re0)ests.

;ant find it,< said the +o" wea%l", see%ing and t)rning o)t

e!t" !oc%ets. * o)th organ fell on the floor as he did so.

;&hen off "o) go,< said the +aran. ;Go) cant sto! here.<

&he drin%@sodden occ)!ant of the corner s)ddenl" ro)sed

hiself. Ie had +een watching the lad and a fellow@feelingstirred hi. ;Iere, &o,< he cried, ;give hi a !int, he needs

it.<

&he +aran t)rned, s)r!rised hed never seen this an treat

another +efore. 5or one thing, he rarel" was so+er eno)gh to

notice an"one else.

;-a%e it two and soe $oods, if hed li%e the,< he said as

the +aran too% the coin.

&he whis%" drin%er rela!sed into silence as the change was !)t on the ta+le +eside hi.

#o ore whis%" for hi tonight.

Oh, it was awf)l, as the reaction swe!t across hi' awf)l.

$hat sho)ld he doF $hat a dan fool hed +eenJ

$oods is short for $ood+ines, a !o!)lar +rand of cigarette.

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Ie shoo% fro head to foot at the tho)ght of what hed do.

Ie co)ldnt exist witho)t it, and hed no one" left now till

toorrow night.

&he +o" had revived soewhat, and loo%ing ro)nd at the +aran said, ;$ho have 8 to than% for thisF<

&he +aran !ointed with his th)+ at the fig)re in the

corner.

;&han% "o), sir,< cried the +o" ;8 cant re!a" "o), +)t 8ll

!la" a t)ne a"+e "o)ll li%e that.<

Ie !ic%ed )! his o)th@organ and started to !la" ver"

+ea)tif)ll", lovel" old@tie elodies. Soe h)ed the t)nes

with hi as he !la"ed. &he" as%ed for ore. Ie gave the

ore.

&he fig)re in the corner sat ver" still, hidden in the shadow

fro the la!light. &ears rolled )nnoticed down his face. Ie

lived once ore in da"s long gone, when, f)ll of a +)rning

)rge, a great fire in his so)l, he had set o)t, as he ho!ed, to hel!

an%ind.

&o heal, to heal, that had +een his great desire. Ie had felt itoften in his hands as, in his st)dent da"s at hos!ital, he tended

the sic% and s)ffering. B)t alwa"s, alwa"s it el)ded hi. Ie

co)ld not do it, and edicine failed so )tterl", so an" died in

agon". 8t was too )ch for hi, and as the "ears !assed he had

so)ght ref)ge fro that cr" of s)ffering h)anit" in drin%. Ie

co)ld not +ear the tort)re of it alone.

&he tears were co)rsing down now, and great silent so+s

shoo% hi. &hat he had coe to this, a dr)n%ard, ex!elled +"his !rofession, for long ago hed retired into exile,

exco)nicated +" the -edical o)ncil.

Iis dreas, his great and glorio)s dreas, all gone, all

tra!led )nder foot.

Soeone across the roo s!o%e to the )sician, for s)ch he

was his so)l was )sic@filled. ;&han% "o), lad.<

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;*"e,< said another, ;its +een good to hear.<

;Blessed +e the feet of i that +rings glad tidings,< said

another. ;8 feels 8 wants to start all over again. ife loo%s

different soeow.<;>ather, +lessed are the hands that give,< said the +o". ;B)t

for hi 8d have +een t)rned o)t at once.<

;Blessed are the hands that give


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so de!raved, she still seeed to see soething in hi she

res!ected. /erha!s it was the )t)al recognition of another

tort)red so)l.

Ie san% +eside her on the +ench. ;Hood evening, -rs.=ones,< he said. ;Iow is it toda"F<

;/rett" iddlin, sir,< she said, ;+)t ight +e worse, the

ands +e awf)l sore and itching, tho)gh, toda".<

8!)lsivel" he laid his own )!on the, as the" rested in her

la!.

;Go) !oor, !oor so)l,< he said, ;and so +rave the rash is

ver" +ad toda", 8 can see.<

;Ges, sir, 8ve scratched e alost raw co)ldnt hel! it.<

;*nd "o)ve s)ffered so long,< he said.

&he" sat in silence. &hen s)ddenl" he rose and t)rned to go.

(oices fro the other roo had dist)r+ed his silent tho)ghts.

Exclaations cae filtering thro)gh. ;She is, 8 tell "o) shes

ealed. &is gone it aint there.< 8t was the landlords voice.

;*nd she so +ad tonight. -" HodJ how did it ha!!en : does

an"+od" %nowF<-ore voices. Ie t)rned to go, +arel" heeding the. &hen

stoo!ed to la" his hand )!on the woans sho)lder. ;Hood

night.<

;Oh, loo%,< she cried. ;oo%, sir, loo%J e ands : e ands

+e well.< Iolding the +efore her. ;*hJ tis "o)r to)ch wot did

it. &hat 8 %now. 8 felt it coin fro "er, sir.<

&he an t)rned and st)+led fro the roo o)t into the

night he went. 8t was confired' she, too, was healed.Ie felt all daLed.

*s fro far awa" he heard the +o"s voice again' ;>ather,

+lessed are the hands that give...<

K..

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Bac% in the ta!@roo soeone said' ;$heres the +lo%eF Ie

aint coe +ac%.<

;eft his whis%",< said the +aran. ;Iell +e +ac% for it

tr)st hi.< &hen as the tie sli!!ed +" and he did not ret)rn';&hats 0)eer,< he said ;!recio)s 0)eer. 8 wonder wots coe

over iF<

K..

8n the little roo the woan sat roc%ing herself gentl" to

and fro as she stared at her hands, the s%in of which was as that

of a little child.

She co)ld not ta%e it in the tort)re of "ears was gone.

Silent she sat and gaLed.

K..

#one s!o%e for a while, and then Davidsson said'

;*n"one who %new hi then wo)ldnt recognise hi now.<

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Chapter 5++

;&he other whos coing along with hi fo)nd his freedo

in a different wa",< contin)ed Davidsson.

K..

8t was a 0)iet little town' slee!" "o) ight call it, in thatnothing reall" vitall" exciting ever seeed to ha!!en in it, and

"et it was not ore slee!" than an" other little towns.

8t had one !ec)liarit"' an old an )ch +eloved +" the town

who had an eccentricit", so the" called it +)t then old !eo!le

do have 0)eer ideas soeties.

*s a atter of fact this !ec)liarit" had +een going on for

an" "ears. So that, when it first started, he was not then old

+)t his age did not sto! hi carr"ing o)t his !)r!ose.* stranger cae to the town one da" and !)t )! at a sall

inn on the ain street. *fter a long da"s wor% he was tired and

went to +ed in good tie.

Ie was awa%ened fro a dee! slee! +" a c)rio)s noise. *

+ell ringing o)tside in the street +elow : a strong dee!@noted

+ell.

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8n his half@awa%ened state he said to hiself' ;&he town

crier. 8 wonder what he has to sa" : +)t s)rel" it is earl" for @@<

Ie loo%ed at the window it was dar% o)tside.

&he +ell !ersisted )rgentl", then a voice' ;$a%e )!J $a%e)!J<

&he stranger lea!t o)t of +ed. * fire it )st +e, a fire

!ro+a+l" in this ver" +)ilding.

Ie threw on soe clothes and dashed down the stairs.

*t the foot of the stairs he et the landlord coing slowl"

)! to +ed. Ie did not see in the least !ert)r+ed. Ie co)ld not

have heard the alar, and "et who co)ld iss itJ

;$hat is itF< he as%ed )rgentl".

;$hat is whatF< as%ed the landlord, ga!ing at his new g)est.

;$hats that alar o)tside in the road. S)rel" "o) )st have

heard itF<

;&hat +ell and the old fellow sho)tingF Oh, thats old Bill no

one ta%es an" notice of hi.<

;B)t wh"s he a%ing s)ch a to@do if nothings the atterF

Iow do "o) %now there isnt a fire or an"thingF<&he landlord ade to !ass hi on the stairs. ;Beca)se old

Bills done it for "ears were all 0)ite )sed to his noise. /oor

old cha!,< he added with a sigh.

&he stranger loo%ed +ewildered his gaLe wandered !ast the

landlord to his wife standing +ehind.

;8ts 0)ite all right, sir,< she said, as she et his 0)estioning

loo%. ;Old Bill will do it. Ie started "ears ago, and alared )s

all wo%e )s )! s)ddenl" in the iddle of the night. $e allr)shed o)t, thin%ing soething terri+le had ha!!ened, and not

wishing to iss an"thing there ight +e to +e seen. B)t he ?)st

!assed on down the street, sa"ing the sae thing and ringing

his +ell.<

;Sa"ing the sae thing,< said the landlord with a snort.

;Sho)ting the sae thing, "o) ean.<

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&he landlad" contin)ed' ;Ie wo)ldnt +e sto!!ed at first

!eo!le reasoned with hi, then the !olice threatened hi for

dist)r+ing the !eace of slee!ing citiLens. &hats ?)st what 8

want to do, he re!lied. Ies 0)ite harless reall" the" didntwant to !rosec)te hi. &he" too% awa" his +ell. Ieaven %nows

where he fo)nd it in the first !lace +)t he soon fo)nd another,

and when the" too% that awa" he got hold of an old can or gong

or soething and +eat that. *wf)l row that was, so when he

fo)nd another +ell : the one hes got now : the" let hi %ee!

that. &he townsfol% !referred that to tin cans. *nd after all, he

dont alwa"s do it onl" soeties 0)ite s)dden@li%e, and now

the" sa"s the" %nows the so)nd o his +ell and dont +other

when it rings. So the !olice left that one with hi. Ie does it in

the da"tie too soeties, onl" it dont so)nd so lo)d then

!eo!le aint so startled. B)t nights the tie it coes over hi

ostl".<

;oes over hiF $hat coes over hiF<

;Oh, ?)st these attac%s wantin to a%e a noise and sho)t.

B)t,< as she t)rned to follow her h)s+and )! the stairs,;ever"ones so fond of Bill the" dont ta%e no notice of that

the" ?)st leaves hi +e. Ies 0)iet and co!aniona+le eno)gh

in +etween whiles.<

;B)t what does he sa" when he has collected a crowdF Ie

)st have got soething he wants to get off his chest.<

;Oh, ?)st that, $a%e )!J, thats all.<

*nd she contin)ed her wa" )! the stairs, alread" slee!iness

closing her senses in.&he stranger t)rned to reo)nt the stairs +)t, changing his

ind, descended 0)ietl" and, crossing the hall, )nloc%ed the

door and went o)t.

&he street was ore or less 0)iet now, exce!t for the

occasional +ar% of a dog as the town@wa%er, now several streets

awa", sho)ted his a!!eal.

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;$a%e )!, wa%e )!J<

Ie wal%ed towards the direction of the so)nd, +)t, not

%nowing the town, evidentl" too% the wrong road and the

voice grew ore and ore faint in the distance.Ie ret)rned to his hotel and +ed.

K..

#ext orning the stranger ade a few en0)iries of the

landlad". She was ore co)nicative on the s)+?ect than her

h)s+and he was fran%l" +ored +" it.

Iaving learned where old Bill lived, he so)ght o)t his old

cottage on the sl)" o)ts%irts of the town.

Bill lived alone. Ie was sitting o)tside his little ho)se in the

s!ring s)nshine, ending a !air of childrens +oots.

;I)llo,< he said to hiself. ;So the ans got a trade a

co++ler, evidentl".<

Old Bill loo%ed )! as he a!!roached. ;-orning, sir. $ot can

8 do for eeF<;#othing, than%s at least, 8 ?)st tho)ght 8d li%e to call and

see "o).<

&he old an nodded. ;/leased to see ee, sir.<

&he stranger contin)ed' ;8 heard "o)r alar at least, "o)r

warning last night. 8t wo%e e )!, and :<

;-e callF Did "o) indeed, 8 glad o that,< said the old

an. ;Did it wa%e ee ri'h" )!, sirF<

;8t did indeed. 8 was ver" interested and tho)ght 8d call andas% "o) a+o)t it.<

Ie was h)o)ring the old an, as he tho)ght. 8t seeed the

+est wa" to drawn hi o)t, to get hi to tal% and ex!lain the

reason of his c)rio)s goings on.

B)t the old an re!lied' ;8f it >E*G wo%e ee )!, sir, ee

wo)ldnt need to coe and as% e a+o)t it.<

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Ie felt non!l)ssed +)t !ersevered' ;B)t, Bill, wh" do "o) do

itF $hats the ideaF<

;&o wa%e ee )!, o co)rse,< said Bill, soewhat i!atientl",

as tho)gh he were tal%ing to "et another half@wit. ;$a%e )!,wa%e )!J 8 sa"s, and ee dont, none o "e. Ge !retend to, "e

does "erself +)t "e dont. Ge slee!s )!on "e sels. *ll o"e.<

;Bill,< he said after a !a)se, ;when did "o) first start doing

thisF<

;Doing wotF<

;&his wa%ing !eo!le )! +)siness.<

;$hen 8 first realised that "e was all aslee!, o co)rse,< he

said. ;Go) all aslee!, ever" an ?ac% o "e, and woin too.

hildes too, tho)gh the" +e nearest to wa%in. &he" ood if the

older fol%s didnt !)t )n to slee! li%e theirselves.<

*nother !a)se followed.

&hen the stranger said' ;Bill, what do "o) want the all to

doF<

;$a%e )!, o co)rse,< said Bill. ;$ot else is there for the

to do +)t thatF #)at. =)st wa%e )! is all the"ve gotten todo. *ll an"+od"s gotten to do. So si!le it is,< he said, ;and

the" woarnt do it. #o )nll do it. #ot "ersel either.<

;Go) wo%e e )! last night all right,< said the other with a

la)gh.

;#oa, 8 did na,< said the old an indignantl". ;8f 8 ad "o)d

no +e ere as%in 0)estions. Go)d +e )! and doin.<

;C! and doing whatF< as%ed the other, in astonishent.

;C! and doin s)at an"thin, so long as it were s)at,<said the old an.

;oe, coe, Bill,< said the other, ;8 doing soething all

da" long. 8 lead a ver" +)s" life.<

$hat a ixt)re of dialects the an s!o%e )st have lived

in an" !lacesJ

;Go) ain +)s" slee!ing if "o) were nat, "o)d no +e

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+)s",< and after a !a)se' ;5ol% is all)s +)s" in dreas, r)nnin

heere and there li%e a lot o shee!. 5or what doant ee wa%e

oo!, 8d li%e te %nowJ<

&he stranger siled to hiself the old cha! had indeed got a +ee in his +onnet.

;Oh, noa, 8 aint,


61/184

;>eall", Bill,< said the stranger rising.

;&is tr)e, "o) wo)ldna +e offended it twerent. *n oive got

lots of wor% te do. ots of %iddies shoes te end. 8f 8 didna

end the %iddies shoes, the"d %ic% e oot o te town, +)t thesi!le fol% +e glad to have the childers shoes and +oots

ended for n)at. B)t oid no do it if oi didna want to do et.

&is the childer wots got the ost willin feet.<

Ie stoo!ed to search in a !ile of +oots at shoes at his side.

;B)t, Bill, "o)ve got soe grown@)!s shoes there,< said the

stranger.

;#a",< said Bill ;the" +e still childer. &here +e one or two

wot +e still child@loi%e in this town : tho)gh the" +e old in

"ears. &han% Hawd fer that. &hets woi 8 do sta" aong e.

Io!in te reoind the others wot the" reall" +e, )n dae.<

;$ell, 8 )st +e going,< said the stranger.

;&heres never no )st a+art it' "o) either wornts to go or

"e doant. #o )st, thats an exc)se. $ell, so long an a good

slee! to "e, and when ee wa%es oo!, e+er ol Bill.< Ie

ret)rned to his co++ling.*s the stranger wal%ed awa" he !ondered over old Bills

words.

;-)st,< hed said, ;there was never an" )st a+o)t things

one either wanted to or didnt want to.< B)t, dash it all, one had

to live, and one co)ldnt earn a living )nless one wor%ed for

soeone, and if one wor%ed for soeone, one had to do what

was ex!ected of one, otherwise, how was one to liveF

;Ges, howF< he felt a voice inside hi sa". ;8ts all a atter of o!inion, that howJ< /eo!le rarel" starved in this co)ntr",

+)t the 0)estion of how one was to live was !)rel" a atter of

o!inion. Better 8(E in a garret and +e ha!!", +e free, than

live in a !alace in servit)de to the orders, o!inions, deands of

others. 8t all seeed to +e a atter of exchange. One gave

awa" ones freedo, ones inost desire, in ret)rn for the

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62/184

one" which wo)ld ena+le one to live as others considered a

nice wa" to live, a conventional wa", a res!ecta+le s!ic%@and@

s!an wa".

Oh, dan it all. Iow he longed to +e hiself : to live hedidnt care where, if he co)ld onl" do the one thing he wanted

to do had alwa"s wanted to do. B)t that wo)ld never +ring in a

fort)ne or even eno)gh to live res!ecta+l" : which eant in a

fashion acce!ted +" others as eet, desira+le and !ro!er. Oh,

dan others, what did it atter what the" tho)ghtF &he" didnt

have to live ones life for one. Ones fail", their neigh+o)rs,

ones fail"s friends, ones own so@called friends and their

neigh+o)rs, the" all had an e"e on each other and wanted one

to confor to what "hey tho)ght was done, or not done.

Iow horrified the" wo)ld +e if one got dr)n% dear, dear, fie,

fie, it ?)st was not done s)ch an offence to others. B)t wh"F

$here did the offence coe inF $h" so disa!!rovingF Ie

s)!!osed the offence was against their !ersonal o!inions or

those of their neigh+o)rs.

Dear, dear, what a circle the" all !ivoted ro)nd in, ever"onewith their e"e on soeone elses o!inion. So +)s" watching

that the"d no tie to 8(E, to BE theselves, to +e their

O$# SE(ES, s!ontaneo)s, a+andoned g)ided onl" +" the

Selves, not +" other !eo!les ideas and o!inions.

Ie t)rned into a !)+lic ho)se and