Death/Killing Sorrow that knows no name

“My son was my dream,” a grieving father said in Peshawar. “Today I buried my dream.” There is no

word for a parent who buries a child…not in any language that I know! Nearly 132 kids were shot in the

head from point blank range by the ruthless Taliban suicide attackers in Pakistan yesterday. Just the very

imagination of the plight of these parents is enough to make one’s heart wrench and be torn to pieces…

It’s a sorrow too large to bear!

Having a child die before you is not easy

Everyone can agree on that. It is universal knowledge that parents are supposed to die first - sometimes

too soon, but they still die first. Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes children die

before their parents. It is devastating, but it happens.

Grieving the loss of a child

The loss of a child is the most devastating experience a parent can face. A piece of yourself is lost and

your future is forever changed. Losing a child is unspeakably painful but how one makes sense of that is

most important. A remarkable example is that of Dorris Francis who manages traffic at the Delhi -

Ghaziabad border after she lost her 17-year-old daughter, Niki, in an unfortunate accident. The grieving

mother took up her "post" to ensure no one else suffered Niki's fate.

The grief

Many grieving parents question whether life will hold any meaning for them and wonder how they will

survive the pain of their loss. Parents describe the feeling as having a hole in their heart that will never

heal, and may blame themselves and ask, "If only I had." Or they may be angry with their spouse, the

doctors, God, or the government. Parents feel alone and isolated in their grief, as friends and relatives

are often at a loss as to what to say.

Sharing a real life story

Suzanne’s daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor when she was 7-year-old. She passed away nearly

five years later. Eight months after losing her child, Suzanne wrote a blog which is worth reading and can

move you to tears…

After Losing my Child: 5 things that help; 4 that don’t

1. When I hear her name. My daughter’s name is Natasha; I love hearing people say her name; I

wish they’d say it more often. I love seeing her name on her possessions, including (inexplicably)

her medications that we continue to hoard. Recently a former classmate recognized me at the

pool. “Are you Natasha’s mother?” Those words made my soul sing. Her name: Thank you!

Reference to me as her mother: Thank you! Use of present tense: Yes, I am Natasha’s mother -

always will be.

2. When people acknowledge her life

A Christmas gift and birthday card for Natasha that were sent after her passing gave us a brief

burst of joy; they validated our drive as grieving parents to keep at least part of her alive. Why is

it that people think that if they act like our daughter is still with us, we will be terribly insulted?

Did they think that we’d forgotten that we’d had a daughter who had died and that the card and

gift would be unpleasant reminders?

3. Hearing “You’ll never get over it,

Hearing “You’ll never get over it,” from my bereaved aunt who lost her teen son in an auto

accident many years ago. That assertion rings true to us and it gives us peace. Conversely, non-

bereaved parents seem to cling to the conviction that we will get over it.

4. Other parents who have lost a child

It takes a cancer parent to know the turmoil invoked with each of those words. Bereaved

parents don’t respond with panic when they see us cry - something that shocks many people,

especially if a father is crying. We know that tears don’t mean we’re having an unusually rough

day, any more than laughter means we’re having a good day. Crying is just something bereaved

parents do –- possibly every day and possibly copiously.

5. Hearing from people.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their own stories with me. Writing about Natasha is this

mother's therapy; thank you for reading it.

Emotional aspects of grief

The grief journey has many emotional peaks and valleys and lasts far longer than society in

general recognizes. Because each person's grief journey is unique, you may find that you, your

spouse and your family are all processing their grief at different speeds and in different ways.

The loss of a child isn’t something you will get over; it is something you will learn to go through.

What types of help are available?

Family Therapy: The death of a child touches everyone in the family and forever changes its

landscape. Sadness, anger, and hopelessness are some of the emotions often felt by bereaved

parents. Family therapists are specially trained to understand the profound impact of this loss

on an individual and a family and can assist through a time of bereavement.

Support Groups

Support groups for bereaved parents offer a place to talk about your child, your loss , fears,

anger, anxieties and other feelings. These groups also help parents learn from the experiences

of others who have suffered the same or a similar type of loss. Several support groups provide

services for other family members, such as siblings and grandparents.

5 mistakes people make when a friend's child dies

1. Announcing the child's death on social media: Don't do this. Please. Doesn't matter how

active the parents might be on Facebook et al; it doesn't mean they want to share their

news on this forum, and it doesn't mean they want you to do it on their behalf.

2. Alerting everyone you know to news of the death.

The parents couldn't control the accident or illness that claimed their child's life. Some

of them may feel strongly about controlling the manner in which the news of their

death travels. One parent reported getting sympathy texts from acquaintances before

he had a chance to inform the grandparents of his son's passing. Exercise discretion and

restraint in whom you tell and how you share the information.

3. Showing up at the memorial service dressed

The yoga pants or baseball shirt send a message: You have fun activities on your

schedule that day and you don't want to devote extra time to a wardrobe change.

Wearing formal attire is not usually mandatory, but you should dress with the care and

attention that reflects the momentousness of the event that will forever mark the

saddest passage of these parents' lives.

4. Saying “let me know if you need anything”

Bereaved parents really, really need their chi ldren back with them. In the absence of

this, you can help with basic tasks that are usually overwhelming in the early days of

grief: walking the dog, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, arranging a fun activity for

siblings. Don't put the onus on the bereaved to call you. Be the one to pick up the phone

and suggest ways that might be helpful.

5. Prompting them to see a therapist

A therapist or psychiatrist may or may not be helpful to a bereaved parent. But a friend

who can listen generously and non-judgmentally, recognizing that there is no "fix" for

this tragedy, will probably be greatly valued. If your support is limited to suggestions to

get professional help, you're implicitly telling them that your friendship is contingent on

them keeping their grief to themselves.

6. Does time really heal the pain?

For grieving parents, the loss of a child is an around-the-clock, unrelenting, inescapable

horror show. Every new day's dawn is just another sorrow-filled reminder. But some of

them do make their way to find the reason to stay tethered to the everyday world. They

take the waste that is their deep grief, and they reshape some of it into fuel, into

energy, into meaning. And maybe, even, into endurance!