RAISING SOCIALLY & EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILDRENRabbi Binyamin Goldman, PsyD, CSP

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?“EQ”

THE 5 EQ COMPETENCIES

1. Self-Awareness2. Social Awareness3. Self-Management4. Relationship Skills5. Responsible Decision Making

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COMPETENCIES

Responsible

Decision

Making

SELF OTHERS

THOUGHTS

ACTIONS

Responsible

Decision

Making

SELF-A

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ESS

ACROSS DEVELOPMEN

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Elementary Grades:

Should be able to recognize and accurately label simple emotions such as sadness, anger, and happiness

Middle School:

Should be able to analyze factors that trigger their stress reactions.

High School:

Are expected to analyze how various expressions of emotion affect other people.

Accurately assessing one’s own thoughts, feelings, interests, values, and strengths

Recognizing how they influence choices and actions

Maintaining a well-grounded sense of self-confidence

SO

CIA

L A

WA

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ESS

ACROSS DEVELOPMENT

Elementary Grades:

Should be able to identify verbal, physical, and situational cues indicating how others feel.

Middle School:

Should be able to predict others’ feelings and perspectives in various situations.

High School:

Should be able to evaluate their ability to empathize with others.

Taking others’ perspective and empathizing with them

Recognizing and appreciating individual and group similarities and differences

Recognizing and using family, school, and community resources

SELF-M

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ACROSS DEVELOPMENT

Elementary Grades:

Children are expected to describe the steps of setting and working toward goals.

Middle School:

They should be able to set and make a plan to achieve a short-term personal or academic goal.

High School:

Should be able to identify strategies to make use of available school and community resources and overcome obstacles in achieving a long-term goal.

Regulating one’s emotions to handle stress, control impulses, and persevere in overcoming obstacles

Setting and monitoring progress toward personal, academic and religious goals

Expressing emotions appropriately

RELA

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HIP

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ACROSS DEVELOPMENT

Elementary Grades:

Should have an ability to describe approaches to making and keeping friends.

Middle School:Are expected to demonstrate co-operation and team-work to promote group goals.

High School:

Are expected to evaluate uses of communication skills with peers, teachers, and family members.

Establishing and maintaining healthy and rewarding relationships based on cooperation

Resisting inappropriate social pressure; preventing, managing, and resolving interpersonal conflict

Seeking help when needed

RES

PO

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IBLE D

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ACROSS DEVELOPMEN

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Elementary Grades:

Should be able to identify a range of decisions they make at home and school.

Middle School:

Should be able to evaluate strategies for resisting peer pressure to engage in unsafe or unethical activities.

High School:

Should be able to analyze how their current decision-making affects their yeshiva, seminary, or college and career prospects

Making decisions based on consideration of: Ethical or halachic standards Safety concerns Appropriate social norms Respect for others, and Likely consequences of various actions

Applying decision-making skills to social and academic situations

Contributing to the well-being of one’s family, school and community

FAMILY LIFEOur first school for emotional learning

FAMILY LIFE

Feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings

Think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting

Read and express hopes and fears

Through family life, we learn how to:

FAMILY LIFE

This learning takes place: In what parents say and

do In how adults treat each

otherWhen parents are emotionally competent in their own relationships, they are more capable of helping their children work through their emotional challenges.

EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENTING How to be an “Emotion Coach”

ASSESSING YOUR PARENTING STYLE

THE DISMISSIVE PARENT

THE DISMISSIVE PARENTWhat they aren’t

Does NOT: Problem-solve with the child; believes that the

passage of time will resolve most problems Feel certain about what to do with the child’s

emotions Show much interest in what the child is trying to

communicate Like focusing on negative emotions; believes

that it will “just make things worse” Likely have great awareness of emotions in self

and others Focus much on the meaning of the emotion;

more interested in how to get over them Feel that children’s feelings count; believes that

they are irrational

THE DISMISSIVE PARENTWhat they are

Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings; treats them as unimportant, trivial

Wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly

Believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic

Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion; may ridicule or make light of a child’s emotions

Fears being out-of-control emotionally

Feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt or overwhelmed by the child’s emotions; sees them as demands to fix things

Believes that focusing on negative emotions will “just make things worse”

Believes negative emotions mean the child is not well-adjusted, that they reflect badly on their parents

Characteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotions

THE DISMISSIVE PARENTEffects of this style on children

They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid.

They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel.

They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions

JESS

ICA

DU

BR

OFF

Jessica’s mother did not let her use negative words like “scared,” “fear,” and “the sadness.”

She told reporters, “Children are fearless. That’s their natural state until adults ingrained fear in them.”

After Jessica’s crash, her mother told the press, “I know what people want. Cheers. But I will not do that. Emotion is unnatural. There is something untruthful about it.”

THE DISAPPROVING PARENT

THE DISAPPROVING PARENTWhat they are Displays many of the

Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way

Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression

Is over-aware of the need to set limits on their children

Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior; Is concerned with the child’s obedience to authority

Reprimands, disciplines, or punish the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not

Believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited

Believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits and need to be controlled

Believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles

Believes emotions make people week; children must be emotionally tough for survival

Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time

THE DISAPPROVING PARENTEffects of this style on children

Same as the Dismissing style

THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENT

THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTWhat they aren’t

Does NOT:Offer much guidance on behaviorTeach the child about emotionsSet limits; is permissiveHelp children solve problems Teach problem-solving methods to the

child

THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTWhat they are Freely accepts all emotional expression from

the child Offers comfort to the child experiencing

negative feelings Believes there is little you can do about

negative emotions other than ride them out Believes that managing negative emotions is

a matter of “hydraulics”; release the emotion and the work is done

THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTEffects of this style on children

They don’t want to regulate their emotions

They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children

THE EMOTION COACH

THE EMOTION COACH What they aren’t

Is NOT:Confused or anxious about the child’s

emotional expression; knows what needs to be done

Does NOT:Poke fun at or make light of the child’s

negative feelingsSay how one should feelFeel he or she has to fix every problem for

the child

THE EMOTION COACHWhat They Are Values the child’s negative emotions as an

opportunity for intimacy Can tolerate spending time with a sad,

angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion

Is aware of and values his or her own emotions

Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting

Is sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when they are subtle

Respects the child’s emotions

THE BALANCE

” “' ' וגו לבבך בכל אלקיך ה את ואהבתלו מודה הוי לך מודד שהוא ומדה מדה בכל

) נד, ) :ברכות

THE EMOTION COACHWhat They Are Uses emotional moments as a time to:

Listen to the child Empathize with soothing words and affection Help the child label the emotion he or she is

feeling Offer guidance on regulating emotions Set limits and teach acceptable expression of

emotions Teach problem-solving skills

THE EMOTION COACHEffects of this style on children

They learn to:Trust their feelingsRegulate their own emotionsSolve problems

They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others

BECOMING AN EMOTION COACH

5 K

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Steps parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children, enhancing the children’s emotional intelligence

SCENARIO #1

Eight-year-old Dovid comes in from the yard, looking dejected because the kids next door have refused to play with him. His father, Moishe, looks up from his sefer just long enough to say:

Not again! Look, Dovid, you’re a big kid now, not a baby.

Don’t get upset every time somebody gives you the cold shoulder. Just forget about it. Call one of your friends from

school. Chazer your Chumash, play on the computer.

WHAT’S DOVID THINKING?

SCENARIO #1

Tatty’s right. I’m acting like a baby. That’s why the guys next

door don’t want to play with me. I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just

forget it like Tatty says? I’m such a wimp! Nobody wants to

be my friend.

SCENARIO #2

Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and says:

You look kind of sad, Dovid.

Tell me what’s going on.

SCENARIO #2

If Moishe listens—really listens with an open heart—perhaps Dovid will come up with a different assessment of himself. The conversation might continue like this:

SCENARIO #2

Dovid: “Baruch and Shlomo won’t let me play basketball with them.”

Moishie: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings.”Dovid: “Yeah it did. It made me mad, too.”Moishie: “I can see that.” Dovid: “There’s no reason why I can’t shoot baskets

with them.”Moishe:“Did you talk to them about it?”Dovid: “Nah, I don’t want to.”Moishe:“What do you want to do?”Dovid: “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just blow it off.”Moishe:“You think that’s a better idea?”Dovid: “Yeah, ‘cuz they’ll probably change their minds

tomorrow. I think I’ll call one of my friends from school or do my chazara. Maybe I’ll play on the computer.”

The Difference is empathy!

SCAFFOLDING

SCENE:Mother finds her young daughter standing in front of a dog, screaming in fright (The daughter is in no physical danger)

How should Mom handle this? What should she say/do?

PRACTICE EXAMPLE

(Hugging the child) “Shhh… Mommy’s here, it’s OK. (Shoos the dog away)

“Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know. It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there. Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!” All the while hugging and soothing the child.

Response #1 Response #2

SC

AFFO

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The mother is using the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching

In this scenario, she is scaffolding self-control by modeling it first and then inviting the daughter to join in problem-solving

As the girl gets older, the mother can strip the scaffolding and simply prompt the child (“What can you do to make the big doggie go away?”) rather than providing the solutions

“Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know.

It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there.

Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK?

Go away big doggie!”

All the while hugging and soothing the child.

Validating & Labeling

Reassuring

Problem-Solving Suggestion

Joint Problem-Solving

Reassuring

DON’T BE TOO NEGATIVE

Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child are destructive to parent-child communication and to children’s self-esteem

Examples: The “helicopter mom” Labeling Making the child the butt of jokes for other adults for

USE “SCAFFOLDING” AND PRAISE

“Scaffolding” components: Give children just enough information to get

started, talking in a slow, calm manner Wait for the child to do something right and offer

specific praise for their action. Add just a little bit more instruction and repeat.

ADDITIONAL EMOTION COACHING STRATEGIES

ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES

Ignore your “parental agenda” Create a mental map of your child’s

daily life Avoid “siding with the enemy” Think about your child’s situation in

terms of similar adult situations Don’t try to impose your solutions on

your child’s problems Empower your child by giving

choices, respecting wishes

ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES (continued)

Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies

Be honest with your child Use books and stories to build your

child’s emotional vocabulary Be patient with the process Understand your base of power as a

parent Believe in the positive nature of

human development

WHEN NOT TO BE AN EMOTION COACH

WHEN NOT TO BE AN EMOTION COACH

When you’re pressed for time When you have an audience When you are too upset or too tired for

coaching to be productive When you need to address serious

misbehavior When your child is “faking” an emotion

to manipulate you

TESTING OUR SKILLS

SAMPLE EXERCISE

A child disappears in a large department store and the parents are very worried about the child. After a while, a clearly upset child is found by a store employee, who helps the child find the parent. Parent’s agenda:

“You stupid child! I am so mad at you, I am never taking new shopping again.”

Child’s feeling: Fear

Right response: “you must have been so scared. I was scared, too.

Come here and let me hold you for a while. Then let’s talk over what happened.”

EXERCISE #1

A child comes home from school and says, “ I’m never going back to school again! The teacher yelled at me in front of my friends!” Wrong response:

“What did you do to make a teacher yell at you?”

Parent’s agenda:

Child’s feeling:

Right response:

EXERCISE #2

In the bathtub, your child says, “I hate my brother. I wish he would be dead.” Wrong response:

“That’s a terrible thing to say. We don’t talk that way in his house. You don’t hate your brother. You love your brother. I never want to hear you say that again!”

Parent’s agenda?

Child’s feeling?

Right response?

EXERCISE #3

Your child’s friend is visiting. Your child says to the friend, “I don’t want to share this toy with you. You can’t play with it!” Wrong response:

“What bad middos! You are selfish child. You have to learn to share!”

Parent’s agenda?

Child’s feeling?

Right response?

SELECTED REFERENCES

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.

Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman

Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon