Better off Dead: an absurd musical comedy play script

Better Off Dead by Oren Shafir@2012 With music by Thune Lindberg

1

ACT I, SCENE I: THE AIRPORT ARRIVALS

(Ulla, a beautiful, young blonde Danish woman is holding a sign that says Mr. Rex Ray. Rex, a strapping, young and handsome Texan swaggers out with a flourish wearing a colorful, studded cowboy outfit, including a bolo and waving his hat.)

REX Why howdy Ma’am. I’m Rex Ray of Taratally Texas in the good old US of A. Yes, that’s God’s country, the land of freedom, the greatest country in the world, where the men are still God-fearin, the women still consider it their duty to be child-bearin, and the young uns respect their mammies and pappies, or they can expect a fearsome lickin; Where a man still has the right to defend his home with whatever firearms he sees fit to carry, where the women still see fit to take care of the home cleanin and the finger-lickin cookin, and where the young uns speak when spoken to and get a lickin when a lickin is comin to them; Where men still work from dusk to dawn, where women still wear Sunday dresses to church, and wear children still do their chores or they know they can expect a lickin; where...

ULLA

Hi Rex, I am Ulla from the Danish foreign office. Your father called us and arranged for you to be picked up. Apparently, he has connections in high places.

REX

Does he ever. Why he’s the biggest oil baron in Texas and a close personal friend of Moses. Moses?

ULLA

REX


2

Well, that actor who played Moses, Mr. Charlton Heston? Is he not dead?

ULLA

REX

Yes, but they’re close personal friends. Well, I’m pleased as punch to meet you, Ulla, and no disrespect but back home in Texas, they wouldn’t have sent a woman to pick me up at this hour. At this hour, a woman would be home makin supper for her man.

REX Well, Rex, here in Denmark, women and men are equal.


3

2.

REX

Equal! Why you Dutch people amaze me, Ulla.

ULLA We are not Dutch. We are Danish.

REX Danish? I thought a Danish was something you ate. See I’m learnin things already. My Daddy, Tex Tarkington, the billionaire cattle baron from Toucan Texas, sent me to Europe to become well-rounded and sew my oats in a white Christian country.

ULLA Well, we have hardly any billionaires in Denmark, Rex, and the few we have, never talk about their money because everyone is equal here. Equal!

REX

ULLA

Yes, we have socialism here.

REX

Socialism? Isn’t that the same as communism?

ULLA

No in communism, everyone works for the State. And in socialism?

REX

ULLA

There are a few who don’t. Who are they?

REX

ULLA

I don’t know. I have never met one. And you know what else, although we are a Christian country, we have very few religious people.

REX No religion, too, Imagine that. My Daddy, Tex Terry, the famous shipping baron from Tullula Texas, would be appalled. Why Ulla, if it wasn’t for one thing, I’d turn around and get right back that plane headin back for Texas.

ULLA What is the one thing, Rex?

REX Why it’s only that you’re the prettiest thing I ever set my eyes on, that’s what. Why with a little makeup and nail polish, and maybe a snappie Texas Do, you’d be absolutely stunning.


4

3.

ULLA

Oh Rex. And I must confess that despite the fact that I despise your ignorant, self-centered boorish American ways, you are one impressive specimen of a man. Yee ha.

REX

(Rex throws his hat in the air and sings.)

THE HAPPY COWBOY SONG I’M JUST A HAPPY COWBOY TO EUROPE I HAVE COME TO LEARN ABOUT THE WORLD AND THEN RULE IT FROM BACK HOME KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY YO YO MA

I’M JUST A HAPPY COWBOY I’VE COME TO HAVE A REST ALTHOUGH IT’S MY FIRST TRIP EVER I THINK THE U.S. IS THE BEST KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY JOHANN CRUYFF I’M JUST A HAPPY COWBOY WITH A TEN-GALLON HAT OF COURSE BACK HOME, I HAVE LOTS OF GUNS BUT I NEVER RODE A HORSE KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY JERZY KOZINSKI I’M JUST A HAPPY COWBOY MY AIM IS TRUE AND PURE I’VE COME TO SAVE THE WORLD BUT FROM WHAT, I AM NOT SURE KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY JUNGIAN THERAPY

As song ends, Rex picks Ulla up and carries her offstage shouting Yee Ha.


5

4.

ACT I, SCENE II, THE PARK

(Rex and Ulla sit on a picnic blanket. The sound of a fly buzzing grows louder and louder. Rex takes whip out of bag and cracks it. The fly sound stops,)

Rex put that away. ULLA

REX

Shucks sugar, I was just gettin rid of a pesky old fly. You’re scaring people.

ULLA

REX

(Yells out.) Sorry I was just trying to help, didn’t mean to scare you, ma’am. Rex, that is a man.

ULLA

REX

But he’s wearing makeup and lipstick. Say, he ain’t one of the them funny boys, is he?

ULLA

If by funny you mean a homosexual, then yes, he is. And in Denmark, homosexuals are not discriminated against. We are tolerant.

REX

Ah heck, honey pie. I’m tolerant too. I don’t care what those gay boys do in the privacy of a remote mountain area.

ULLA We don’t have mountains in Denmark, Rex.

REX I just think that if they flaunt it in public, they oughta expect to get a lickin.

ULLA Well Rex, you are religious, and remember what Jesus said about turning the other cheek and casting the first stone.

REX That’s what I’m saying. I want to cast the first stone.

ULLA Have you actually read the Bible, Rex?


6

5.

REX Parts of it. Like the part about it being an abomination. You’re the one who’s anti-religious.

ULLA I am not anti religious. I am just not pro religious.

REX Well, you’re pro gay, it seems.

ULLA I am not pro-gay, I am just not anti-gay.

REX Well, you’re pro abortion.

ULLA

I am not pro abortion, I am pro choice.

REX

Well, I’m pro life, even if I have to kill some people to make my point. That makes no sense.

ULLA

REX

Well, I have strong opinions, Ulla. How do you Dutch people express yourselves?

ULLA

In a rational way, through lawful and orderly demonstrations.

REX

There do seem to be a lot of people demonstrating. What are they demonstrating against?

ULLA Well, those people over there are demonstrating against the death penalty in the States. In the States!

REX

ULLA

Sure, we do not have the death penalty in Denmark. And those people over there are demonstrating against poverty in the States. In the States!

REX

ULLA

Sure, we do not have poverty in Denmark. And those people over there are protesting because they took away their Youth House.


7

6.

In the States!

REX

ULLA

I didn’t say in the States. Oh sorry.

In Copenhagen.

REX

ULLA

REX

Copenhagen! Isn’t that a theme park where everything’s made out of building blocks? No, that’s Legoland.

ULLA

REX

Well, why did they take away their Youth House?

ULLA

It was not actually theirs, they were just squatting there.

REX

Squatting? Wasn’t there room to stand up?

ULLA

Squatting means they just took the place over. It was empty.

REX

Well, I’m not surprised it was empty if there wasn’t room to stand up. You Dutch are tall people.

ULLA

(with affection) Oh Rex, you’re such an idiot.

REX I may be an idiot, but at least I have passion. You have no passion.

ULLA I may not have passion, but I have plenty of common sense.

I'M DANISH, AND I'M SENSIBLE EXTREMISM IS REPREHENSIBLE (REX) ARE ALL THE DANES JUST LIKE YOU? YES, THEY ARE SENSIBLE TOO WE HAVE NO STEEP HILLS OR HOSTILE NEIGHBORS WE HAVE NO DANGEROUS BEASTS OR EXTREME WEATHER (REX) IT SEEMS, NOTHING MUCH AROUND HERE HAPPENS EVER


8

7.

WE HAVE FREE HEALTH CARE WE HAVE FREE EDUCATION (REX) YOU DON'T SEEM TO WORK TOO HARD WE HAVE 7 WEEKS VACATION

WE'RE LUTHERANS, BUT NOT RELIGIOUS WE'RE SUCCESSFUL, BUT NOT PRESTIGIOUS WE DON'T BELIEVE IN AGGRESSION (REX) BUT YOU SEEM TO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION WE HAVE MATERNITY LEAVE AND SIX WEEK'S VACATION WE DON'T HAVE TO ADVANCE IN LIFE (REX) YOU’RE ALL IN THE SAME STATION

WE HAVE NO TRAFFIC OR POLLUTION LIFE HERE’S A BIT LIKE (REX) A SLOW EXECUTION?

WE HAVE NO STEEP HILLS OR HOSTILE NEIGHBORS WE HAVE NO DANGEROUS BEASTS OR EXTREME WEATHER (REX) IT SEEMS, NOTHING MUCH AROUND HERE HAPPENS EVER

ACT I, SCENE III, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM (Lars and Lone are just entering)

ULLA These are my dearest friends, Lars and Lone Lonelarsen. Lars and Lone, this is my new boyfriend, Rex from Texas. Oh, an American.

LARS AND LONE

REX

What’s a matter, don’t you like Americans?

LARS Yes, of course. We are Danish.

LONE We are very tolerant and extremely non-judgemental.

LARS But we believe that all Americans are narcissistic, dogmatic hypocrites.


9

8.

REX Why I might take offense with that if I knew what any of those words meant.

ULLA Now we shall have Danish hygge.

LARS Yes, now we shall have Danish hygge.

LONE Yes, we shall have Danish hygge now.

REX Danish, who what? What’s that? We shall explain.

ULLA


10

9.

LARS, LONE AND ULLA (Lars, Lone and Ulla light candles frantically as they sing this song)

THE DANISH HYGGE SONG DANISH HYGGE IS SO DANISH IT’S AS DANISH AS CAN BE DANISH HYGGE IS SO SPECIAL BECAUSE IT IS SO HYGGELIG DANISH HYGGE IS SO SIMPLE AND YET IT IS COMPLEX ALL YOU NEED ARE 500 CANDLES AND SOME PEOPLE AT LEAST THREE THEN YOU NEED SOME DANISH HUMOR WE ARE VERY FUNNY WE GAVE THE WORLD BLACK HUMOR WE INVENTED IRONY DANISH HYGGE IS SO DANISH IT IS AS DANISH AS CAN BE DANISH HYGGE IS SO CHARMING BECAUSE IT IS SO HYGGELIG ALL YOU NEED ARE 500 BEERS AND SOME PEOPLE, AT LEAST THREE

REX

Oh, that’s Danish hygge. It’s kinda like... No.

It reminds me of...

It’s different.

LARS

REX

LONE

REX

But it’s a little like... No, it’s Danish.

ULLA

LONE

It’s unique. You don’t know what it is. But we will teach you.

You are a fine fellow.

ULLA

LARS

LONE

Yes, you are a fine fellow.


11

10.

LARS You are just a bit too ostentatious.

REX What’s that? Austin, Texas? You’re too loud.

Too crude.

ULLA

LONE

LARS

You eat with your hands.

ULLA You want to rule the world.

LONE

And spread your own misguided brand of democracy.

LARS

But you do not know what true democracy is. No, you do not know.

You are belligerent.

Bombastic.

ULLA

LONE

LARS

REX

What’s that? Bomb whose ass? But do not worry.

We can help you.

We can change you.

We can make you Danish.

LARS

LONE

ULLA

LONE

REX

But why would I want to change. America is the greatest country in the world, and I say that without ever having been outside the States, other than here in the Netherlands of course, and one time in Hawaii.

ULLA Hawaii is part of the States.


12

11.

REX Well, there you go then. Greatest country in the world.

(They smile condescendingly at Rex, look up at each other and burst into laughter. Rex is uncomfortable)

You must change.

For Ulla’s sake.

Yes for Ulla.

LARS

LONE

LARS

LONE

You shall not worry yourself, it happens all the time. What happens?

REX

(Once again, they smile condescendingly, look at each other and burst into laughter.)

LARS

People come here from all over the world, Rex. From warm places.

From island paradises.

From tax-free havens.

LONE

ULLA

LARS

LONE

Why do you think they come?

REX I don’t know. Is it the free education? No.

The free health care?

No.

The Danish pastries.

LARS

REX

LONE

REX


13

12.

No.

It’s the women.

Young.

Blonde.

Sensual.

Long.

Round breasts.

Blue eyes.

Full lips.

Soft thighs.

LARS

ULLA AND LONE

LARS

LONE

ULLA

LONE

LARS

LONE

LARS

LONE

ULLA

They are our greatest national asset.

LARS

They keep our economy running.

LONE

Without them, we could not get talented engineers, investors and enterpreneurs to live here and pay 70% taxes. 70%?

REX

ULLA

And suffer the dark winters and rainy summers.

REX Dark winters? 70% taxes? (almost in tears) I don’t wanna live here. I don’t want to be Danish. You have to, Rex.

But why?

Because of Ulla.

LARS

REX

LONE


14

13.

REX Well, she’s a fine gal and all.

LARS She has you in her grips. She is real pretty.

She has seduced you.

REX

LONE

REX

And she does this thing with her tongue. She has conquered you.

LARS

REX

(highly emotional) I can’t leave Ulla. It’s okay, Rex.

I’ll do anything.

We will help you.

LONE

REX

LARS AND LONE

LONE

The same thing happened to Lars. What do yo mean?

REX

LONE

He used to be a Brazilian named Julio Cesar Antonio de Maceo Guiza. Until he met Lone.

I seduced him.

It is true.

ULLA

LONE

LARS

LONE

And transformed him into a Dane.

LARS AND LONE She taught me about Danish hygge, And you’re happy?

REX


15

14.

LARS Happiness is irrelevant.

LONE You shall not worry, Rex.

LARS We will cure your Americanism.

LONE We will make you Danish. You will?

Absolutely.

REX

LARS AND LONE

REX

Hot damn. Ulla honey, they’re gonna make me Danish, and then I can marry you, and we’ll be together all the time, and you can that thing you do with your tongue for me, okay?

Ulla picks Rex up and carries him offstage.

ACT I, SCENE IV, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM (All four characters sit at the table in Ulla’s living room for a traditional Danish luncheon. They instruct Rex in etiquette, and he does whatever they say.)

Don’t slouch. ULLA

LONE

Take your elbows off the table.

LARS Don’t switch the fork to your right hand. Put the food in your mouth with your left hand.

(Rex reaches for roast beef and mayonnaise)

What are you doing?

You can’t do that.

LONE

ULLA


16

15.

LARS

Never eat meat before the fish dishes are done. The small plate is only for fish.

LONE And when you do eat the roast beef, you must eat it with remoulade and horseradish, not mayonnaise. Never mayo.

ULLA

They all take a bite of food, and as soon as Lars starts talking Lone and Ulla put their silverware down, but Rex continues to eat.

LARS

You know according to...

ULLA

Excuse me Lars. Rex, Lars wants to say something. Put your knife and fork down and listen. Go ahead, Lars.

LARS

You know according to my rain measuring device, it only rained xx centimeters this month.

LONE

Xx centimeters, that is not much. Very little.

LARS

ULLA

It is bad for the cucumbers. Very bad.

LONE

There is silence, then Rex picks up his knife and fork again but must stop when Lars begins speaking again. LARS

I don’t know if we shall get any cucumbers if it rains.

LONE I do not hope so. It is certainly not good for the cucumbers.

Again, there is silence and Rex tries to take a bite again but must stop when Ulla talks.

Not good at all. ULLA


17

16.

He waits a little longer this time,

then tries to take a bite. LARS

You know I read that last year’s Lithuanian football champions might hire Michael Laudrup as their trainer.

Lars, Ulla and Lone all stand and Rex follows their lead. They put their hands over their hearts. There are heavenly tones of music.

Michael Laudrup. LARS, LONE AND ULLA

The all return to their seats and continue eating.

REX

Gosh, y’all have so many strange customs. How will I ever learn them all?

ULLA

There are not that many. No not that many.

LONE

LARS

Not really that many. You can learn them, my friend.

(Lars sings) TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF AT THE DOOR CUT YOUR BREAD INTO TWO PIECES OR MORE

(Lars, Lone and Ulla sing) AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES SAY SKÅL

(Lone sings) PUT YOUR NAPKIN ON YOUR LAP EAT AT LEISURE DO NOT ATTACK


(Ulla sings) NEVER EAT WHEN SOMEONE’S TALKING NEVER TALK WHEN YOU’RE CHEWING DO NOT CHEW EXCESSIVELY


(Lars, Lone and Ulla sing) THE CAN OF WATER IS FOR SHARING THE SCNHAPPES IS FOR THE HERRING WITH THE BEER, DONT BE SPARING AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES SAY SKÅL


18

17.

REX Let me see if I got this.

(Rex sings, growing more and more confident as he goes on)

I TAKE MY SHOES OFF AT THE DOOR CUT MY BREAD INTO TWO PIECES OR MORE AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES SAY SKÅL I PUT A NAPKIN ON MY LAP EAT AT LEISURE I DON’T ATTACK AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES SAY SKÅL I NEVER EAT WHEN SOMEONE’S TALKING NEVER TALK WHEN I’M CHEWING I DO NOT CHEW EXCESSIVELY

(Ulrex, Lars, Lone and Ulla sing)

AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES SAY SKÅL

(Rex, Lars, Lone and Ulla sing)

THE CAN OF WATER IS FOR SHARING THE SCNHAPPES IS FOR THE HERRING WITH THE BEER, DONT BE SPARING AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES SAY SKÅL That’s it.

You’ve got it.

Skål to Lars.

Skål to Lars.

LARS

LONE

ULLA

LARS, LONE AND ULLA

They all stand and clink glasses.

END OF ACT I


19

18.

ACT II, SCENE I, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM

(It is 17 years later, and Rex, now called Ulrex, is dressed drab and conservatively: a button-up plaid shirt, glasses, nerdy hairstyle. He now speaks with a Danish accent. He sits behind the newspaper laughing at what he’s reading)

ULLA What is such great fun in the paper that you should laugh so hard, Ulrex?

ULREX

It is the weather. Lowers the paper smiling

ULLA

The weather? What is such great fun about the weather?

ULREX

It shall rain every day this week. So? That is not fun.

ULLA

ULREX

Yes, but it shall be the same temperature. (He pauses. Ulla stares at him) And the same number of centimeters of rain. (Pause) Oh. (She laughs)

ULLA

She takes the paper from him, reads and laughs harder together with Ulrex. ULREX

And it shall continue to be dark.

ULLA Yes it shall continue to be dark. Let us light some candles.

ULREX Yes, let us light some candles. (pause) Why shall we light candles, Ulla?

ULLA Because it is dark. And because it is Thursday. You know we always have a hygge evening with Lars and Lone on Thursday.


20

19.

ULREX

Oh, of course. A hygge evening. I almost forgot. We have had a hygge evening with Lars and Lone every Thursday for the past 17 years, and I almost forgot.

Long pause, then they both laugh ULLA

I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, Ulrex.

ULREX Yes. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, Ulla.

ULLA Help me light some candles. That has a calming effect on you.

They light candles frantically. The doorbell rings. Lars and Lone enter, and they greet each other.

Who could that be? ULREX

ULLA

Maybe it is Lars and Lone.

ULREX

Oh yes, maybe it is Lars and Lone.

They sit down at table. Ulla serves coffee and cookies. They cut their cookies with their knives and forks and put them down every time someone talks.

This is hyggelig.

Yes, this is hyggelig.

Yes, very hyggelig.

LONE

LARS

Long pause. ULLA

UlREX

Yes, very hyggelig. But it would be even more hyggelig with herring.

ULLA Yes, herring is nice, but not for a hygge evening, Ulrex. It is nice with a luncheon.

LARS Yes, herring and schnappes.


21

20.

Pickled herring.

Fried herring.

And beer, too.

Herring with curry.

Herring with mustard.

Herring in vinegar.

LONE

ULLA

LARS

LONE

ULLA

LONE

ULLA

With onion and hard-boiled egg on top. Herring in sherry.

LONE

ULREX Yes, you should come for a luncheon where we eat many types of herring. And drink Schnappes.

And beer

How about in November?

LARS

ULREX

They all say it’s a good idea and take out their datebooks one at a time. Each is bigger and thicker than the next. Ulrex takes out his, which is the biggest of all, from a drawer. ULLA

I cannot on Mondays and Tuesdays.

LONE And I cannot on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Fridays.

LARS And I cannot on Mondays and Wednesdays.


22

21.

ULREX

And I cannot on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. What about Sunday?

LARS

ULREX

No, I cannot on Sunday. I play tennis on Sundays.

ULLA But you do not play tennis in the winter.

ULREX Yes, that is true. I do not play in the winter. I forgot.

LONE

How about Sunday, week 47, then?

ULREX

No, we cannot. We shall to Ulla’s father’s birthday. How about week 48?

LONE

ULREX

No we cannot. We shall to a neighborhood board meeting. How about week 49?

LONE

ULREX

No, we cannot. We shall clean out the attic.

They all express their disappointment. ULREX

Oh wait, this is the wrong calendar. This is my calendar from 1996. My new one is in the top drawer. (He takes out his new calendar, which is even bigger, and they all get happy again.)

LONE How about Sunday, week 47, then?

ULREX No, we cannot. We shall to Ulla’s father’s birthday. How about week 48?

LONE

ULREX No we cannot. We shall to a neighborhood board meeting.


23

22.

How about week 49?

LONE

ULREX

No, we cannot. We shall clean out the attic. How about in May?

What year?

This next coming year.

ULLA

LARS

ULLA

LARS, LONE ULLA AND ULREX

(All looking at their calendars) Yes, that’s good. This coming Sunday May 5th in the new year.

LARS

But what about your tennis, Ulrex? I will skip my tennis.

ULREX

They are all surprised and impressed.

ULLA

Will you skip your tennis? Yes.

ULREX

LONE

You will skip your tennis? Yes.

ULREX

LARS

You would skip your tennis to have a luncheon with us? Yes.

ULREX

LARS, LONE AND ULLA

That is very nice of you. Very nice. Yes, very nice of you, Ulrex.

Lars and Lone get up to leave. LONE

Well, we shall love to come to a luncheon with you.


24

23.

LONE I will bring the herring in sherry.

LARS And I will bring the schnappes. Let us go now, Lars.

Yes, let us go now.

LONE

LARS

ULREX We will see you for luncheon in November.

LARS

And for hygge evening next week, right?

ULREX

Yes, of course. I just got excited about the herring. Goodbye.

LARS AND LONE Goodbye. See you next time.

Lars and Lone exit.

Lars forgot his jacket. ULREX

He picks it up and runs after them.

ULLA

Be careful of the garden tools. I think I left some out.

There is a crash and commotion. Ulrex

comes back in with a garden tool stuck in his head. He is bleeding and looks hideous. Ulla looks at him at first alarmed and appalled at the sight of him. Then she averts her eyes.

Did you give him his jacket?

ULREX No, no, they were already gone. Oh, that’s too bad.

Yes, that’s too bad.

Ulrex?

ULLA

ULREX

ULLA


25

24.

Yes?

ULREX

ULLA

Did something happen? Did you fall and hurt yourself?

ULREX Yes, yes I did, Ulla. How did you know?

ULLA Well because you have a (name of tool) hanging out of your head.

Ulrex reaches up and touches it.

Yes, I know. ULREX

ULLA

Maybe you should go to the hospital?

ULREX

(scared) Can it not wait until the morning?

ULLA

I think you should go now. Okay.

ULREX

They exit.

ACT II, SCENE 2, 1 MONTH LATER, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM

Ulla and Ulrex sit on the couch drinking tea. Ulrex still has the garden tool sticking out of his head.

How was work today?

Fine, fine.

ULLA

ULREX

ULLA

(Sensing something is amiss) Is something wrong?

ULREX No, it is nothing. I think it is just this (name of tool) sticking out of my head. Does it hurt?

ULLA

ULREX

No, that’s just it. I cannot feel anything.


26

25.

Maybe you are in shock.

ULLA

ULREX

No it is not that. It has been a whole month. I have grown rather accustomed to it. It is something else. What do you mean?

ULLA

ULREX

I think it started before the accident.

ULLA Is it me? Do you blame me for making you move to Denmark?

ULREX

No. of course not. But it is as if the more I grow, the less I can feel. I used to be sure of myself. Now I am not sure of anything. I am not even sure if my former self was real. It is as if my youth was just an old movie I once saw. I cannot remember the details, and I cannot feel the feelings. In fact, I have been feeling less and less of anything at all for some time now. It is as if I have been slowly disappearing, but I did not know it. At least not until this (points to tool in head). What do you mean?

ULLA

ULREX

Well, like when I went to the hospital... What happened?

ULLA

Ulrex walks across the stage to some transitional music. He lies on hospital bed. Lars and Lone then enter as doctor and nurse. LARS

(Reading chart) Turn on your side, please. I shall do a rectal examination.

ULREX Again? You are the fourth doctor to do that.

LARS (Ignores him, continues with examination, during which Ulrex faces audience and makes funny faces. Nurse leans over to watch) Yes, you have hemorrhoids. I'm going to write you a prescription and release you.


27

26.

Huh? Ok. Uh, doctor.

ULREX

LARS It is a cream for your rectum.

ULREX Can I ask you a question?

LARS (irritated) Yes, what is it?

ULREX What about this garden tool in my head? Garden what?

LARS

ULREX

(shows him his head. Doctor is surprised and picks up chart again and reads it)

LARS

What is your birth date? August 4th, 1972.

Not December 5th, 1965?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

ULREX

LARS

ULREX

LARS

ULREX

LARS Have you had your appendix removed? No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

ULREX

LARS

ULREX


28

27.

LARS Is your name Ida Ingversen? No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

ULREX

LARS

ULREX

LARS

Well, let us look at this garden tool, then shall we.

ULREX What is his pulse, Nurse?

LONE

He has no pulse, doctor. I see.

Is that not bad?

LARS

ULREX

LARS

I want you to see a specialist.

ULREX

Should I not be in intensive care? (Nurse and doctor look at each other and burst into laughter.)

LONE

There is no room in intensive care.

LARS I will dress your wound. (Wraps a bandage around his forehead.)

ULREX How long will it take before I can see the specialist?

LARS Anywhere from 3 months to 7 years. You will get a letter. Oh but…

Any other questions?

ULREX

LARS


29

28.

ULREX

Well, yes I was wondering…

LARS Good luck then. (They exit)

Ulrex walks back over to join Ulla in the living room to transitional music. ULLA

Perhaps you are just irritable because you have hemorrhoids.

ULREX No, I do not think so. And at work, it was as if everyone ignored this thing in my head. They would not acknowledge that I have changed. What do you mean?

ULLA

Ulrex crosses stage again. Hospital bed is now office desk. Ulrex needs to get past Lars to go to his desk.

ULREX

May I not get through please?

LARS

(Gets up and moves out of the way while avoiding looking at Ulrex at all costs.) Oh, hello Ulrex, how are you?

ULREX

Not so good. I had a terrible accident, and now I have a (name of garden tool) hanging out of my head.

(Long pause)

LARS

They say it’s going to rain on the weekend.

Ulrex crosses back over stage to Ulla.

Do you see what I mean? ULREX

ULLA

Yes. Is it really going to rain this weekend?

ULREX No, no. Or yes, maybe, I don’t know. The point is:

LOOK AT ME: I'M DEAD! LATELY, I'VE FELT PHLEGMATIC


30

29.

STUCK IN THE SAME OLD ROUTINE BUT NOW, MY CONDITION HAS TAKEN A TURN WHICH I FEEL IS QUITE EXTREME MY PULSE IS NOT AS FAST AS IN THE PAST IT'S SLOWED DOWN TO A CRAWL IN FACT TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS I HAVE NO PULSE AT ALL I LOOK WHITE AS WINTER SLEET DRY AS AN INDIAN SUMMER MY HEART MARCHES TO THE BEAT OF SOME NEWLY DECEASED DRUMMER SO, I DON'T MEAN TO UPSET YOUR EQUILIBRIUM OR FILL YOUR HEART WITH DREAD BUT DARLING, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU LOOK AT ME: I'M DEAD

THE STRANGEST THING ABOUT IT IS NOT MY UNTIMELY FATE IT'S NOT MY PREMATURE FATALITY OR MY LIFELESS STATE NO, THE STRANGEST THING ABOUT IT I'VE BEEN SADDENED TO SURMISE IS THAT NONE OF MY FRIENDS OR COLLEAGUES HAVE NOTICED MY DEMISE SO I DON'T MEAN TO UPSET YOUR EQUILIBRIUM OR FILL YOUR HEART WITH DREAD BUT DARLING, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU LOOK AT ME: I'M DEAD


31

30.

ACT 2, SCENE 3, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM

ULREX What is it we shall tonight, Ulla?

ULLA It is Thursday. You know we always have a hygge evening with Lars and Lone on Thursday.

ULREX Oh, of course. A hygge evening. I almost forgot.

ULLA I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, Ulrex.

ULREX

Yes. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, Ulla.

ULLA

Help me light some candles.

They frantically light as many candles as they can.

Who could that be? ULREX

ULLA

Maybe it is Lars and Lone.

ULREX

Oh yes, maybe it is Lars and Lone.

They sit down at table. Ulla serves

coffee and cookies. They cut their cookies with their knives and forks and put them down every time someone talks.

The coffee is good. LONE

LARS

The cookies are excellent. The candles are lovely.

LONE

ULLA

The company is splendid. The weather is mild.

LONE


32

31.

The moon is full.

LARS

LONE

The neighborhood is quiet.

ULREX I am so tired of the rain.

Everyone looks at Ulrex in surprise. LARS

(admonishingly) But it is good for the carrots and potatoes, Ulrex.

LONE Yes, it is good for the carrots and potatoes, Ulrex.

ULLA

Yes, that is true, Ulrex. You know that it is good for the carrots and potatoes.

Long pause in which everyone freezes looking at Ulrex.

ULREX

Yes, I did forget that. I do not know what has gotten into me lately.

LARS

You are probably just tired.

ULREX

No, I think it is because I have a (name of garden tool) sticking out of my head.

Uncomfortable pause

LONE

Oh, do you, we had not noticed. No, we had not noticed.

LARS

LONE

It does not bother us at all.

LARS No it does not bother us at all.

ULLA It does not bother them, Ulrex.

ULREX Really? But is it not grotesque?


33

32.

LARS AND LONE (Improvised response with difficulty) No. Grotesque? No. Not at all. I wouldn’t say grotesque.

ULREX You guys are the best. Why don’t y’all stay for dinner? Dinner, dinner?

Y’all?

(Holding his mouth) Did I say y’all?

LARS AND LONE

ULLA

ULREX

LARS AND LONE let me see. I will check my datebook.

They take out their datebooks. Ulla takes out hers too, and they all start checking.

LARS

I’m free on Tuesday in week 37.

LONE

No, I’m not free in week 37. I have to go to the doctor. How about week 38?

ULLA

No week 38 is no good. We shall play golf that week.

ULREX

(shouting) Why don’t y’all just come to dinner tonight?

They all look up in shocked silence.

Tonight?

Tonight?

Y’all?

Did you say tonight?

LARS

LONE

ULLA

LONE

ULREX

Yes, tonight. There is plenty of food.


34

33.

But we cannot tonight.

LARS

LONE

No, tonight is hygge evening. Perhaps another night.

LARS Yes, perhaps another night. Let us see.

They go back to their datebooks and began to look for dates shaking their heads and mumbling about dates they can’t make it. ULREX

(angrily) Put away your books.

ULLA

But Ulrex, you are the one who invited Lars and Lone. We are only trying to find a good date.

LONE

Ah here, I think I found one, the 14th of March 2012. Can I see?

ULREX

Lone hands him her datebook. Ulrex opens a window and throws it as far as he can. Sound of splashing as it lands in water. Lone screams in horror and begins to cry.

LONE

My datebook. My datebook.

LARS

(stepping up to Ulrex.) Now see here, Ulrex.

Ulrex takes Lars’ datebook and goes offstage with it. We hear the sound of a motor saw. He enters the stage again with some fragments of the datebook, which he hands to Lars. Lars falls to his knees sifting through the remains and crying. LARS

My date book. My date book.

ULLA (practically in tears) Ulrex, how could you do that?


35

34.

Ulrex takes Ulla’s book, adds his own

to it and goes about the process of setting fire to them as he sings the next song in a happy, skipping, manic manner, skipping around the fire.

IN THE DATEBOOKS THERE ARE DATES AND EVERY WHICH ONE MARKS OUR FATES OUR LIVES ARE BOUND WITH HEAT AND GLUE YOU SEE MY FRIENDS IN SHORT, WE'RE SCREWED AND THAT IS WHY I'M BURNING THE PAGES, TRA LA LA LA LA LA THAT IS WHY THIS FIRE RAGES FA LA LA LA LA LA LIFE IS SO EXASPERATING IT CAN BE THE WORST WHEN YOU ARE DELIBERATING YOU ARE SIMPLY CURSED YOU SHOULD NOT BE EXTRAPOLATING LIFE'S MEANING FROM A BOOK BUT INSTEAD OPENLY ENGAGING IN A RAPID BURST EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO LIKE I DID AND DIE A LITTLE FIRST THE DATES DENOTE FUTURE ACTIONS SPLITTING OUR LIVES INTO FRACTIONS WE TURN PAGES TILL WE ARRIVE AT THE END AND THEN OUR LIVES ARE THROUGH AND THAT IS WHY I'M BURNING THE PAGES, TRA LA LA LA LA LA THAT IS WHY THIS FIRE RAGES FA LA LA LA LA LA


36

35.

ACT II, SCENE 4

Ulrex is sitting on the floor wearing only Danish-flag underwear and his bolo (from the first act) and holding his whip. His Danish accent is fading fast, if not completely gone. ULREX

Ulla, bring me a beer, honey.

ULLA (offstage) I am busy, Ulrex.

Ulrex lashes out with his whip in the direction of Ulla’s voice.

ULREX

I said, bring me a beer.

Ulla comes running onstage with a beer. She’s a little bit scared of Ulrex, but also a bit excited and happy.

ULLA

Oh, very well. Here you are.

She gives him the beer and starts to walk away, but he grabs her hand and swings her back, takes her around the waist and sits her down on his lap´and kisses her.

ULLA

Why Ulrex. What has gotten into you?

ULREX

Well, I’ve been thinking about that. And you know, ever since I died, I’ve been feeling so much better.

ULLA But Ulrex, you are not dead. If you were dead we would have buried you.

ULREX Well, whatever I am then. A zombie, a ghoul, a ghost, the living dead. Whatever I am, I feel more alive than I did before I got this thing in my head.

ULLA But you can’t go on like this. Why not?

ULREX


37

36.

ULLA

You quit your job. You stopped shaving. You dress any way you see fit. You don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. That is very unDanish, Ulrex.

ULREX Well, maybe I don’t want to be Danish, anymore, honey.

ULLA Not Danish, well, what would you be then, American?

ULREX Not American, either. There’s no going back to that. Well, what then?

I don’t know, just me.

Just you?

ULLA

ULREX

ULLA

ULREX

Just me. I’m not sure what that is, but whatever I am, I like it. I don’t have to go to that boring bureaucratic job anymore where all everyone talks about is how to fill out the new forms and the weather. I can dress any way I want to. Say whatever I want to. And you have to admit, we been having sex all the time again like when we first met.

ULLA

That’s only cause you force me to.

ULREX

Well, yeah, but I got the feeling that you kind of liked it that way. Well...

ULLA

Ulrex cracks the whip, and Ulla squeals with delight.

In fact, I wanna make a baby with you right now.

Cracks whip again, she squeals again. ULLA

A baby? But Ulrex, we agreed that we would wait until we finished the repairs on the house and paid the mortgage, and until I finished my MBA, and you got that promotion, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were over.

ULREX Well, I don’t care. I want make a baby. And I wanna do it now. So get over here and kiss me.


38

37.

Oh Ulrex.

They kiss. ULLA

ULREX

You can call me Rex again, honey.

ULLA But I’m so used to calling you Ulrex.

ULREX Well, a lot of things around here are gonna be different from now on. We’re gonna eat with our hands.

Cracks whip, Ulla squeals with delight.

We’re gonna walk down the street barefoot.

Cracks whip, Ulla squeals with delight.

ULREX

And you’re gonna do that thing you used to do with your tongue again.

ULLA

The thing with my tongue?

ULREX

Yep, you never do that anymore. Do it now.

Cracks whip.

ULLA

(Squeals with delight) Well okay.

They face each other, and Ulla rolls her tongue. ULREX

Ha, ha, God damn, that’s what I’m talking about. And another thing, now that I got rid of our datebooks, we’re not gonna make appointments anymore.

ULLA But Ulrex, what will we do?

ULREX We’ll do whatever we want to do. If we want to go see Lars and Lone, why we’ll just go over there and see them. In fact, let’s go over there right now.

ULLA Just like that? Without an appointment?


39

38.

ULREX

Why not, they are our next-door neighbors after all.

ULLA But we might startle them.

ULREX That’s fine, it’ll do em some good. In fact, we won’t even know. I know where they keep an extra key.

ULLA But Ulrex, I mean Rex...

ULREX There’s no use arguing honey, we’re going over there right now. But, but...

What is it?

ULLA

ULREX

ULLA

It’s just that, well, what about making the baby?

ULREX

Will do that later, as soon as we get back. But Ulrex, I mean Rex.

What now?

You’re not dressed.

ULLA

ULREX

ULLA

ULREX

Oh yeah. (He picks up his cowboy hat and puts it on.) Now, come on, let’s go.

They walk offstage. Lars and Lone enter other side of stage in their own apartment carrying water cans. They start watering plants. Ulrex and Ulla walk up behind them and startle them. They yell and drop the cans.

Ulrex you startled us. LONE

ULREX

I know, that was the whole idea.

LARS Yes, you startled us, Ulrex. We weren’t expecting you. Next time, you must make an appointment with us first.


40

39.

ULREX You want me to make an appointment to come over here and startle you? Yes.

LARS AND LONE

ULREX

But then you won’t be startled.

LONE Good, we don’t like to be startled.

LARS No, we don’t like it, Ulrex.

ULREX

Well, it might do y’all some good though.

LONE

How could that do us good?

LARS

Yes, how could that do us good?

ULLA

How could that do them good, Ulrex, I mean Rex? How can getting startled do anyone any good?

ULREX

Well, sometimes you need the unexpected to happen just to remind you that you’re alive. Like that night when ya’ll came over for hygge evening, and Lars forgot his jacket. I ran out after him and was startled by a garden tool that Ulla had left on the ground. It was quite a shock, but it changed my life. Yes, it killed you.

ULLA

ULREX

But it reminded me that I was alive.

LARS How can getting killed remind you that you are alive? Well, it’s like this.

ULREX


41

40.

I USED TO THINK THE US WAS

THE ONE AND ONLY GREATEST BUT WHEN I CAME HERE I FOUND THAT FACT COULD BE DEBATED HERE WAS A COUNTRY CIVILIZED, RATIONAL AND REFINED WHERE THE PEOPLE WERE BALANCED QUIET, CULTURED AND QUITE KIND I THOUGHT THAT TO BECOME A DANE WAS THE ONLY WAY TO GO THE HAPPIEST FOLK ON EARTH ACCORDING TO THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW THEN I WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND ROLLED OUT OF MY BED WITH ONLY ONE THOUGHT ROLLING AROUND INSIDE MY HEAD WAS I BETTER OFF LIVING OR BETTER OFF DEAD? BETTER OFF LIVING OR BETTER OFF DEAD? I THINK I’M BETTER OFF I THINK I’M BETTER OFF I THINK I’M BETTER OFF DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD

I TRIED TO FIT INTO PARADISE BUT AS HARD AS I DID TRY I FOUND THAT IT WAS JUST AS DULL AS WATCHING WET PAINT DRY THEN ONE DAY I HAD AN ACCIDENT THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HORRIFIC BUT MUCH TO MY ASTONISHMENT I'VE BEEN FEELING QUITE TERRIFIC

AND YOU TOO WILL WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND ROLL OUT OF YOUR BED WITH ONLY ONE THOUGHT ROLLING ROUND IN YOUR HEAD ARE YOU BETTER OFF LIVING OR BETTER OFF DEAD? BETTER OFF LIVING OR BETTER OFF DEAD? I THINK YOU’RE BETTER OFF I THINK I’M BETTER OFF I THINK WE’RE BETTER OFF DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD

Entertainment & Humor

Better off Dead: an absurd musical comedy play script