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Dealing with difficult people

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Dealing with difficult people is only as stressful as you allow it to be. By discovering what makes them difficult we start understanding how to deal with them

Text of Dealing with difficult people

  • 1. Dealing WithDifficult People Angelis Consulting 2002

2. Dealing with Difficult PeopleLearning Objectives Learn methods to stay on track, when difficult people want to derail you Set stage for collaboration not conflict Identify types of difficult people, their thoughts, fears and reasons for their behaviours Learn strategies to deal with these behaviours Angelis Consulting 2002 3. What is a difficult person?They dont do what you want them toThey do what you dont want them toYou dont know to do about it! YIKES ! Angelis Consulting 2002 4. Who is difficult for YOU? What do they do that pushes your buttons? What is your usual response?Angelis Consulting 2002 5. ReactiveStimulusResponseWhat are your reactive responses?Angelis Consulting 2002 6. ProactiveStimulusChoice ResponseWhat would you like your proactive response to look like? Angelis Consulting 2002 7. What Difficult People Do . . .LoudOverbearing Look at me; Im veryimportantPhysically or verbally abusiveTyrantsIndecisiveExplosiveAngelis Consulting 2002 8. What else do they do? Nag, whine, complain Lie Sabotage relationships Lack integrityFor most, the cause is anger or fear, for others it is a technique.Angelis Consulting 2002 9. I dont work here, Im a consultant.I will always cherish the initialmisconceptions I had about you.You are validating my inherent distrustof strangers.Angelis Consulting 2002 10. Causes of AngerAnger comes from an empty place they aretrying to cover up. It has less to do with youthan you think.Anger has two causes: the cause of thedistress and the exacerbating helplessnesswhen no one listens.Fear, being needy, self indulgent, resistant tochange, insist on being right, see themselvesas victimsAngelis Consulting 2002 11. Special Techniques for Talking with Angry ClientsListen and remember their anger is notpersonal; they are angry at the problem.Apologize and acknowledge both themessage and their feelings in a sinceremanner.Sympathize and draw out what happened.Accept responsibility for the problem.Prepare to help, ask questions and conveypersonal caring.Angelis Consulting 2002 12. Your Options for Dealing WithDifficult People Stay and do nothing at all Stay and accept their behaviour Stay and change your attitudes and behaviour so that you can change your relationship with the difficult person (proactive response) Leave Angelis Consulting 2002 13. 3 Steps for Dealing with Difficult People Kn owle!whxi batfl eyo Be uwa Pay close attention! nt!Angelis Consulting 2002 14. Staying on Track1)Have a direction that is positive and specific knowing what you want in regards to thedifficult person if the results you are getting are not the results you want to be getting, then what has to change?where there is no vision people perish2)Paying close attention to behaviour ratherthan assumptionsHearing-seeing-doingPurge your assumptions (voice, body posture, facialexpressions etc.)Analyze others assumptions about YOU!Pretend you are a neutral third party Angelis Consulting 2002 15. Staying on Track3)Be Flexible! deviate from what you have been doing Introduce a new variable into the dynamics of the relationship with the difficult person!Angelis Consulting 2002 16. I see you have set aside this specialtime to humiliate yourself in public!You sound reasonable . . . (time to upmy medication).Ill try being nicer if you try beingsmarter! Angelis Consulting 2002 17. The Iceberg Analogy Angelis Consulting 2002 18. Stay Above the Water Line!Focus on behaviours and do not attack the personal traits of the difficult person!Angelis Consulting 2002 19. Communication SkillsSlowItDown ! Angelis Consulting 2002 20. Develop Rapport Trust Cooperation thru . . . . PACING Angelis Consulting 2002 21. Pacing Reduce your differences Find common ground Minimize insecurity and defensiveness Match: syntaxtoneactionsunderstand the othersconsiderationsAngelis Consulting 2002 22. What we respond to . . . . 55% visual 38% sound (tone) 7% actual wordsAngelis Consulting 2002 23. Pace Their Physical Posture, facial expressions and gestures Rate of speech Mental Words and phrases Tone, tempo and volume Emotional Mood and emotionAngelis Consulting 2002 24. Remember when you pace Pay attention Be flexible enough to meet them on the common ground that youll find Dont over do it be aware of timing Angelis Consulting 2002 25. Thank you. Were all refreshed andchallenged by your unique point of view.The fact that no one understands youdoesnt mean youre an artist.I dont know what your problem is but Illbet its hard to pronounce. Angelis Consulting 2002 26. The Last 7% - The WordsBasic Needs in Communication Need to be valued Make them know you hear them Backtracking repeat in THEIR words Need to be understood Clarify, paraphrase in YOUR words Ask questions Angelis Consulting 2002 27. 4 Parts of Communication1. Intent2. Criteria3. Content4. Process (55%, 38%, 7%)Angelis Consulting 2002 28. Steps State your positive intent. Validate their concerns State relevant criteria. What needs, desires and motivators need to be satisfied Content positive and forward moving Pay Attention to the process (55%, 38%, 7%)Angelis Consulting 2002 29. IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!!!!IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!!!!Its all about what they have learned Angelis Consulting 2002 30. Task AnalyticsRulersAccurate, detail oriented,Bottom-line directors.and precise. Insufficient When they fear loss ofdata causes them to shutcontrol they attack as:down as: Tanks, Snipers / Complainers or /Know-It-allsPassive No peopleAggressive Relators EntertainersSensitive people-people Decisive, enthusiasticthat thrive on personal performers. When their actcontact. To avoid nasty is ignored, they play the roleconfrontations they get ofalongGrenades or/Yes People or/ Think-They-Know-It-AllsMaybe people People Angelis Consulting 2002 31. Difficult People Youve gotto love themAngelis Consulting 2002 32. The Ruler Gone Baaaaad!1) Tank Abrupt, intimidating andpushy Hostile, aggressive bullies that run right over you Communication Goals: Stand your groundgive them time to run downBe firm with your comments, pace the intensity Go for completionExpress your interests assertivelyPace the intent to get things doneAngelis Consulting 2002 33. 2) SniperCovert hostility emerges as wisecracks andcutting remarks!Really angry at their goals being blockedIn turn, they take opportunities to block yours!Communication Goals: Bring the grievance to thesurface, call attention tosarcasm Provide a peaceful alternative Determine if group agrees ordisagrees with snipers opinion Get specific about legitimateproblems brought to the surfaceAngelis Consulting 2002 34. 3) The Know it All Arrogant experts Grew up in an atmosphere of certainty Need to be perceived as knowing everything to avoid punishment Communication Goals: Get them to consider your alternativesYou must be knowledgeable yourselfListepn and acknowledge their commentsPresent your idea as a detour (a possibility forthe future!)Guard against your own tendency to be a knowit all !Angelis Consulting 2002 35. Stressed Out Analytics4) Chronic Complainers Whining, always finding fault, never solutions Cannot make decisions! Communication Goals: Get them to switch to problem solving!Listen attentively (let them relieve their stress)Interrupt lightly and firmly and ask specific questions(but not why)Dont agree with the complaints state the factsAssign them tasks to track specificsSet a time limit on discussion and ask how they wantthe conversation to endIf they complain about another person - redirectthem to that person Angelis Consulting 2002 36. 5) No!!! People Negative and pessimistic, they can throw a wet blanket over the entire organization Want to protect everyone from making mistakes Communication Goals: Avoid being dragged in Take the time to specifythe issues Identify the risks(negatives) andacknowledge thembefore they can usethem as a resource Be prepared to takeaction by yourselfAngelis Consulting 2002 37. Relators Under Stress6) Maybe People Dont want to step on toes so dont make decisions until it is too late Communication Goals: Make it safe for them to be honest Reassure that that your relationship will improve Have an honest dialogue Problem solve any issues, use the facts Prioritize alternatives Give them support for their decision Leave the action steps in your handsAngelis Consulting 2002 38. 7) Yes!!! People You can trust them to agree at all cost! Dont follow through Afraid of disapproval Communication Goals: Get them out of the stress response Reassure and make it safe Ask specific questions that bring the problem to the surface Lead them thru problem solving Ensure commitment Angelis Consulting 2002 39. Stressed Out Entertainers8) GrenadesTemper tantrumsDefense to cope with fear,frustration, loss of faceCommunication Goals:Help them regain self controlGet their attention and show yourconcern for their prestigeTake time outFind out what triggered theexplosion in the first place!Angelis Consulting 2002 40. 9) Think They Know It Alls Their grand ideas that lead down roads that go nowhere Communication Goals:State the facts using I statementsGet their idea put aside without making them look badDo not inhale the hot air Angelis Consulting 2002 41. 10) Nothing People Seal up, and say nothing Communication Goals: Reassure and make it safe Ask open ended questions Provide an opportunity to respond, look expectantly and waitAngelis Consulting 2002 42. Any connection between your realityand mine is purely coincidental.I have plenty of talent and vision. I justdont give a damn.I like you. You remind me of when Iwas young and stupid.Angelis Consulting 2002 43. You dont need to be a shrink! This is not a quick fix! We need to respond differently to people to encourage a different response from themAngelis Consulting 2002 44. The least you need to know Most difficult people arent disturbed or c

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