Dealing with difficult people

Angelis Consulting 2002

Dealing With Difficult People


Dealing with Difficult PeopleLearning Objectives

Learn methods to stay on track, when difficult people want to derail you

Set stage for collaboration not conflict

Identify types of difficult people, their thoughts, fears and reasons for their behaviours

Learn strategies to deal with these behaviours


What is a difficult person?

They don’t do what you want them toThey do what you don’t want them toYou don’t know to do about it!

YIKES !


Who is difficult for YOU?What do they do that pushes your buttons?

What is your usual response?


Reactive

Stimulus Response

What are your reactive responses?


Proactive

Stimulus Choice Response

What would you like your proactive response to look like?


What Difficult People Do . . . Loud

Overbearing Look at me; I’m very important

Physically or verbally abusive

Tyrants

Indecisive

Explosive


What else do they do?Nag, whine, complain

Lie

Sabotage relationships

Lack integrity

For most, the cause is anger or fear, for others it is a technique.


I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.


Causes of AngerAnger comes from an empty place they are trying to cover up. It has less to do with you than you think. Anger has two causes: the cause of the distress and the exacerbating helplessness when no one listens. Fear, being needy, self indulgent, resistant to change, insist on being right, see themselves as victims


Special Techniques for Talking with Angry Clients

Listen and remember their anger is not personal; they are angry at the problem. Apologize and acknowledge both the message and their feelings in a sincere manner. Sympathize and draw out what happened. Accept responsibility for the problem. Prepare to help, ask questions and convey personal caring.


Your Options for Dealing With Difficult People

Stay and do nothing at all

Stay and accept their behaviour

Stay and change your attitudes and behaviour so that you can change your relationship with the difficult person (proactive response)

Leave


3 Steps for Dealing withDifficult People

Be fle

xible!

Know what you want!

Pay close attention!


Staying on Track1) Have a direction that is positive and specific –

knowing what you want in regards to the difficult person

“ if the results you are getting are not the results you want to be getting, then what has to change?”

“where there is no vision people perish”

2) Paying close attention to behaviour rather than assumptionsHearing-seeing-doingPurge your assumptions (voice, body posture, facial expressions etc.)Analyze others’ assumptions about YOU!Pretend you are a neutral third party


Staying on Track3) Be Flexible!

• deviate from what you have been doing• Introduce a new variable into the dynamics of the relationship with

the difficult person!


I see you have set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public!

You sound reasonable . . . (time to up my medication).

I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!


The Iceberg Analogy


Stay Above the Water Line!

Focus on behaviours and do not attack the personal traits of the

difficult person!


Communication Skills

SlowIt

Down !


Develop RapportTrustCooperation

thru . . . .

PACING


Pacing

Reduce your differencesFind common groundMinimize insecurity and defensivenessMatch: syntax

toneactionsunderstand the other’s considerations


What we respond to . . . .55% visual

38% sound (tone)

7% actual words


Pace TheirPhysical

Posture, facial expressions and gesturesRate of speech

MentalWords and phrasesTone, tempo and volume

EmotionalMood and emotion


Remember when you pacePay attention

Be flexible enough to meet them on the common ground that you’ll find

Don’t over do it – be aware of timing


Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

I don’t know what your problem is but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.


The Last 7% - The WordsBasic Needs in Communication

Need to be valuedMake them know you hear themBacktracking – repeat in THEIR words

Need to be understoodClarify, paraphrase in YOUR wordsAsk questions


4 Parts of Communication1. Intent

2. Criteria

3. Content

4. Process (55%, 38%, 7%)


StepsState your positive intent.

Validate their concernsState relevant criteria.

What needs, desires and motivators need to be satisfied

Content positive and forward movingPay Attention to the process (55%, 38%, 7%)


IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!!!!IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!!!!

It’s all about

whatwhatthey have

learnedlearned


AnalyticsAnalytics

EntertainersEntertainers

RulersRulers

RelatorsRelators

Accurate, detail oriented, and precise. Insufficient data causes them to shut down as:

Complainers or / No people

Bottom-line directors. When they fear loss of control they attack as:

Tanks, Snipers / Know-It-alls

Sensitive people-people that thrive on personal contact. To avoid nasty confrontations they “get along”

Yes People or/ Maybe people

Decisive, enthusiastic performers. When their act is ignored, they play the role of

Grenades or/ Think-They-Know-It-Alls

Passive Aggressive

Task

People


Difficult People

You’ve got to love them


The Ruler Gone Baaaaad!1) Tank

Abrupt, intimidating andpushy

Hostile, aggressive bullies that run right over youCommunication Goals:

Stand your groundgive them time to run downBe firm with your comments, pace the intensity

Go for completionExpress your interests assertivelyPace the intent – to get things done


2) SniperCovert hostility emerges as wisecracks and cutting remarks!Really angry at their goals being blockedIn turn, they take opportunities to block yours!Communication Goals:Bring the grievance to the

surface, call attention to sarcasmProvide a peaceful alternativeDetermine if group agrees or

disagrees with sniper’s opinionGet specific about legitimate

problems brought to the surface


3) The Know it AllArrogant expertsGrew up in an atmosphere of certaintyNeed to be perceived as knowing everything to avoid punishmentCommunication Goals:

Get them to consider your alternativesYou must be knowledgeable yourselfListepn and acknowledge their commentsPresent your idea as a detour (a possibility for the future!)Guard against your own tendency to be a “know it all” !


4) Chronic ComplainersWhining, always finding fault, never solutionsCannot make decisions!Communication Goals:

Get them to switch to problem solving!Listen attentively (let them relieve their stress)Interrupt lightly and firmly and ask specific questions (but not why)Don’t agree with the complaints – state the factsAssign them tasks – to track specifics Set a time limit on discussion and ask how they want the conversation to endIf they complain about another person - redirect them to that person

Stressed Out Analytics


5) No!!! PeopleNegative and pessimistic, they can throw a wet blanket over the entire organizationWant to protect everyone from making mistakes

Communication Goals:Avoid being dragged inTake the time to specify

the issuesIdentify the risks

(negatives) and acknowledge them before they can – use them as a resourceBe prepared to take

action by yourself


Relators Under Stress6) Maybe People

Don’t want to step on toes –so don’t make decisions until it is too lateCommunication Goals:

Make it safe for them to be honestReassure that that your relationship will improve Have an honest dialogueProblem solve any issues, use the factsPrioritize alternativesGive them support for their decisionLeave the action steps in your hands


7) Yes!!! PeopleYou can trust them to agree – at all cost!Don’t follow throughAfraid of disapproval Communication Goals:

Get them out of the stress responseReassure and make it safe Ask specific questions that bring the problem to the surfaceLead them thru problem solvingEnsure commitment


Stressed Out Entertainers8) Grenades

Temper tantrumsDefense to cope with fear, frustration, loss of faceCommunication Goals:

Help them regain self controlGet their attention and show your concern for their prestigeTake time outFind out what triggered the explosion in the first place!


9) Think They Know It AllsTheir grand ideas that lead down roads that go nowhereCommunication Goals:

State the facts using I statementsGet their idea put

aside without making them look badDo not inhale the

hot air


10) Nothing PeopleSeal up, and say nothing

Communication Goals:Reassure and make it safe Ask open ended questionsProvide an opportunity to respond, look expectantly and wait


Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.


You don’t need to be a shrink!

This is not a quick fix!

We need to respond differently to people to encourage a different response from them


The least you need to knowMost difficult people aren’t disturbed or crazySome people don’t know how to act in less difficult waysMost people are difficult because ofWhat they have learnedHow they are rewarded for their behaviour

Understanding why makes dealing with them less difficult


What am I ? Flypaper for Freaks!

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Entertainment & Humor

Dealing with difficult people