Strategies for ApproachingDifficult Conversations

DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

• Sniping• Blaming• Hidden agendas• Domination • Super-egos• Role conflict

What’s your story?

Relationships can Sometimes be Challenging

Difficult Conversations

Performance

Emotions

BehaviourLoss

Why we get it so wrong

Avoidance

Time constraints

FearHot buttons

We wing it

Fight or flight

response

Feedback = I need you to change

• If ‘primary reward’ or ‘primary threat’ circuitry of the brain gets activated, there is a strong automatic response. • E.g. a perceived threat to

one’s status activates similar brain networks to a threat to one’s life.

Results

Behaviours

Mindsets/ Skills

Beliefs / attitudes

For people to change …

SCARF factors

• Threat response results in: Increased motor functions, Reduced working memory, Reduced field of view, Generalizing of threats, Erring on the side of pessimism

Needs Fears

Status relative importance to others. fear of criticism, exposure, failure, loss of power/status

Certainty being able to predict the futurefear of uncertainty, chaos, not knowing, loss

Autonomy sense of control over eventsfear of authority, loss of control, loss of freedom

Relatedness sense of safety with others, of friend rather than foe

fear of rejection, disappointment, betrayal, not being accepted/

Fairness fair exchanges between peoplefear of unfair treatment, inequity, not being recognised

This has implications for the way leaders: approach difficult conversations

Emotions

• Emotions matter and, at an unconscious level, we can sense through very clever specialized neurons called mirror neurons.

• Mirror neurons allow us to decode (receive and interpret) facial expressions so we know when people are faking it or not being authentic.

• If you need to have a difficult conversation, give tough feedback or deliver bad news, ensure your emotions are calm and your body language supportive.

Empathy Acknowledge Reflect Support Hope

Creating opportunities for learningLearning cycle

Awareness

Insight

Willingness

Action

I become aware that something needs to change?100% need

I realise I need to change my mindsets/ beliefs/ behaviours to effect the change?100% accountability

I am 100% willing to make the effort to change100% commitment

I have clear action plans to make the change happen100% discipline

Honest Conversations – FrameworkEm

otion

al v

s.. R

ation

alImpact vs.. Intent

Loss vs.. Gain

Story vs.. Fact

PerceptionsThe pastEmotions

ImpactIdentityFears

Purpose & Invite

Engage

Unpack

Learn

Options

Action

Purpose & Invite

Engage

Unpack

Learn

Options

Action

Consider purpose, potential outcomes, benefits and consequences(Go-no go)

Invite person to join you for conversation

Build rapport

Purpose & desired outcomes

Explain what happened from the observer view

Offer that you played a part – apology?

Unpack feelings

Unpack loss vs.. gain

Unpack intent vs.. impactIf we could have this situation over: how could we do it differently?

What can be developed / worked on by me to prevent this happening again?

Explore options

Decide on what we can/can’t live with

Decide on what you are willing to sacrifice / let go of to move forward

Forgive and forget

Agree specific actions to build trust and relationship

Paradigm busting

I am rightYou hurt meEmployees are paid to get the job doneThere are more important things to do than talk-shopsDiscomfort and uncertainty are BAD and should be avoided

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I am part of the problemEmployees are whole beings with talent, potential, preferences etcInvestment in conversations builds commitment and save time laterChange and conflict are opportunities for creativity and learning

Conversation Skills

RapportListening

Reflecting - empathySummarising & Interpreting

QuestioningGiving & Receiving Feedback

ENGAGEThanks for making timeI’d like to chat about happened last weekWhat happened was difficult/hurtful/awkwardReflecting back on the situation, I can see how I played a partI am sorry for ...I’d like to find a win-win solution or way forward

UNPACKHow I felt was ...How did you feel?I felt I had lost ...What did you feel you lost?My intent was ..., but it seems my impact was ...What was your intent and impact?

LEARNIf we could have this situation over: how could we do it differently?How could we think /feel /act differently?What incorrect assumptions did we perhaps make?What can be developed / worked on by me to prevent this happening again?

OPTIONSSo where to from here?I would like to prevent this happening againI would like to rebuild the trustWhat can I do to start building the relationship?Can I suggest that …

ACTIONThanks for all the suggestionsCan we agree to ...?I know it may take time, but I am willing to ...I really appreciate your time and willingness to work through thisI look forward to ...

Questions?