Strong

You Are

Honorable Mention

2011

Andre Sobel

Award

Kara Gay

What  I  needed  from  others  when  I  was  ill:  Notes  from  someone  who  has  been  there

Please  "Understand":

Understand  what's  going  on  inside  of  my  head  might  be  different  from  what's  inside  of  my  

heart.

Understand  that  my  emotions  are  multifaceted  and  complicated;  I  am  on  a  constant  emotional  

roller  coaster.

Understand  that  I  worry  not  only  about  my  medical  status  but  also  my  social,  educational,  

spiritual  status.

Understand  that  I  see  the  bills  come  in  the  mail  and  hear  the  conversations  about  money;  I  too  

worry  about  my  families'  financial  hardships  created  from  medical  bills.

Understand  that  anger  is  going  to  rear  it  head  at  times:  anger  at  God  (why  me),  anger  at  

parents  (why  can't  you  make  this  go  away  and  protect  me);  anger  at  friends  (why  are  you  

backing  away  from  me);  anger  at  siblings  (why  are  you  still  doing  all  of  the  normal  things  when  

I  can't).

Understand  that  I  feel  lonely  at  times  even  when  surrounded  by  others:  parents  who  I  don't  

think  can  fully  understand  and  friends  who  come  to  visit  but  do  not  know  what  to  say  and  

suddenly  seem  like  strangers.

Essay

Understand  that  I  need  unconditional  support  and  love  at  

all  times:  when  I  explode  with  anger,  when  I  pout  in  

silence,  when  I  am  physically  exhausted,  and,  of  course,  when  I  am  happy  and  optimistic.

Understand  that  I  need  hugs  at  the  right  time  but  given  some  space  at  other  times.

Understand  that  I  do  want  to  talk  but  sometimes  I  just  need  silence  (when  I  am  too  

overwhelmed  to  talk  or  think  about  my  cancer  anymore).

Understand  that  cancer  is  an  overwhelming  diagnosis  for  a  teenager;  while  I  have  positively  

adapted,  cancer  did  turn  my  life  upside  down.

Understand  that  the  scars  on  both  sides  of  my  neck,  sternum,  and  stomach  do  affect  my  

physical  appearance  at  an  age  when  appearance  is  often  given  too  much  priority.

Understand  that  going  to  the  beach  in  a  bikini  is  hard  to  deal  with  at  times  due  to  the  stares  of  

strangers  (I  can  tell  people  are  wondering  what  kind  of  surgery  I  must  have  had  or  what  must  

be  wrong  with  me).

Understand  how  I  have  grown  to  accept  my  body,  scars  and  all;  I  am  not  the  insecure  girl  who  

wanted  to  wear  only  turtle  necks  in  winter  or  high  neck  halters  in  summer.

Understand  that  I  get  tired  of  hearing  my  cancer  enter  into  so  many  conversions  that  my  

parents  have  with  others.

Understand  that  I  want  to  decide  my  own  medical  path  and  have  a  say  in  how  often  and  when  I  

get  follow-­‐up  scans  or  needed  surgery.

Essay

Understand  that  I  place  my  medical  needs  on  the  highest  level,  but  I  want  to  place  my  current  

life  needs  on  a  high  level  (when  I  want  to  delay  surgery  around  a  test  at  school  that  is  really  

okay)

Understand  that  I  need  to  challenge  myself  physically  (maybe  to  prove  to  myself  that  I  can  be  

normal):    I  do  not  want  you  to  worry  when  I  fly  as  a  high  school  cheerleader  in  a  stunt;    do  a  

back  handspring  in  a  tumbling  routine;  decide  to  learn  to  scuba  dive  as  my  senior  project.

Understand  that  I  need  to  experience  the  challenges  of  school  on  my  own  sometimes:    let  me  

talk  to  the  teachers  about  my  missed  classes  and  assignments  and  don't  rush  in  to  rescue  me  

or  take  over  for  me.

Understand  that  I  still  have  all  of  the  normal  teenager  hormonal  issues  but  even  more  

amplified  at  times  by  my  cancer.

Understand  that  I  want  things  to  go  back  the  way  they  used  to  be  (I  know  intellectually  that  

this  is  not  possible  while  emotionally  this  continues  to  be  such  a  strong  desire).

Understand  that  I  ache  because  none  of  the  boys  ask  me  out  for  dates  but  instead  ask  my  

friends  (it  hurts  that  no  one  really  jumps  to  date  a  girl  with  cancer).

Understand  that  I  hate  hurting  and  not  knowing  why:  (is  it  from  internal  scar  tissue,  from  

autonomic  nervous  system  damage  after  surgery,  from  side  effects  from  chemotherapy,  or  

from  a  new  tumor?)

Understand  how  hard  it  is  to  have  increased  dependence  on  parents  just  when  I  was  supposed  

to  be  getting  more  independence.

Understand  that  my  mind  often  races  into  the  future  with  stress:    How  will  I  keep  my  grades  up  

when  missing  so  much  school?    Will  I  still  be  able  to  go  to  college  or  get  into  the  right  college  

for  me?    Will  anyone  ever  want  to  marry  me?    Will  I  ever  be  able  to  forget  about  cancer  and  just  

live  life  like  a  "normal  person"?

Understand  that  I  am  in  this  fight  to  win  over  cancer  but  sometimes  I  need  a  break  from  

hearing  the  word  cancer.

Please,  please  "Understand":

Understand  that  I  want  lots  of  time  to  do  things  and  share  moments  that  are  not  cancer  

related.    Understand  that  I  so  want  time  to  just  be  a  teenager  (not  a  teen  with  cancer),  just  to  

be  a  family  member  (not  the  daughter  or  the  sister  with  cancer),  just  to  be  a  friend  (not  the  

friend  with  cancer).

Understand  that  I  am  determined  to  achieve  all  of  my  educational,  career,  and  personal  goals;  I  

do  treasure  help  in  staying  focused  and  positive  in  my  journey  to  reach  those  goals.

Understand  that  I  indeed  cherish  prayers,  love,  support,  and  devotion  that  I  receive  from  

others.

Understand  that  cancer  is  just  a  disease,  and  it  does  not  define  my  life.  

Understand  that  I  am  a  person  who  can  and  will  overcome  the  obstacles  created  by  cancer.

Understand  that  I  have  received  many  gifts  and  blessings  in  life  that  have  come  because  of  the  

cancer  not  just  in  spite  of  the  cancer.

Understand  that  I  love  life,  and  I  will  continue  to  love  life,  fight  cancer,  and  win!

Understand  my  whole  self!

Understand  me!

Understand!