Susan Ball

3 Bold Steps to Kick-Start Healing After a Toxic Relationshipsusanball.ca/couragegrace-blog/3-bold-steps-to-kick-start-healing-after-a-toxic-relationship/

When I first left my abuser, I was obsessed and I mean obsessed, with finding the reason why he did what he did. Ihad rationalized that if I discovered what was wrong with him, I could move on and get started on living my life again.

I spent a great deal of my life analyzing his behaviour and developing varied and compelling diagnoses. With everydiagnosis, I had lists of supporting evidence.

I had all sorts of them: Narcissist, Middle Child Syndrome, Toxic Parents, Anger Management, Alcohol Abuse, andso on

But every diagnosis, only offered fleeting happiness. I would celebrate what I thought was the perfect reason only torealize that it did not heal my hurt or my heart or my life. I continued to feel hurt and lonely and lost.

It wasn’t until I realized that not one of the “labels” that I was giving him was going to change a damn thing. It reallydidn’t matter if he was a narcissist or had nasty parents. The bottom line: He was a fu*king class A dick. Period.

He hurt me because he could and because he wanted to.

No fancy labels needed!

Once I stopped analyzing him, I was able to focus on me, my life, and my healing. That moment was the beginningof my Healing Journey. It was the moment I stepped into being a Victor!

I focused on these 3 Bold Steps:

Step One: Acceptance

This is a big, healing step. It’s time to own that it happened. It just happened. It was awful and painful and hurtfulbut it represents something that happened in your life that will ultimately shape you and create a better version of

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you.

Hot Tip: Give it a Name. I call my period of abuse “The Incident”. When I speak with people, I can simply statewhen The Incident happened or after The Incident. A generic name immediately diminishes any power your pasthas over your present and future.

Step Two: Looking Inward

Now you have time to take a close look at what you want and need in your life. Take the time to really dive deep intoyour feelings and values: What makes you smile. What makes you feel happy. Where do you see yourself in one-year. Two-years. What do need in a partner. What are your values – honesty, freedom, spirituality, humour,intelligence and so on.

Hot Tip: Dive Deep & Take Your Time. What you value in life and what is acceptable and not acceptable is so veryimportant to your future peace and happiness. Take all the time you need to dive deep into your needs and wants. Review. Revise. Release the ones that don’t feel good.

Step Three: Putting Me First

You are the most valuable player in your life. Your well being, needs, wants, desires and passions come first. Pushback – but what about so-and-so, or my kids, or my job? Yes, they are important but if you do not put yourself first,your mental, physical, and emotional health will quickly deteriorate and you will be of little value to anyone includingyourself!

Hot Tip: Do One Thing Every Day That is Just for You. One thing is all that is needed. It can be for five minutes,one-hour, or an entire evening. That’s your choice each day. Have a quiet tea or coffee without interruption. Reada chapter. Chat on the phone with a happy friend. Be creative. Take a walk. Go skating.

One Simple Pleasure per Day will Improve Your Mood, Your Health, and Your Relationships!

Susan Ball is the creator and founder of Rebel Thriver Coaching, where she helps women like you and I uncover ourpower, passion, and purpose. You can find her on Facebook, or via her website.

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