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Divorce! Rescue or Disaster? Wrong choices threaten your family and your assets

The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

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A very powerful presentation about the effects of divorce on children and the best way to divorce if you have to

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Page 1: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Divorce!Rescue or Disaster?

Wrong choices threaten your family and your assets

Page 2: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Divorce!Rescue or Disaster?

Wrong choices threaten your family and your assets

Page 3: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. Divorce numbers are staggering

2. Risk of loss during divorce is very high

3. Money and children form the basis for legal disputes

4. Contentious divorces are like a war – nobody really wins

5. Divorce is never so horrible that you cannot make it worse

Areas Covered

3

Page 4: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

You are currently married. You and your spouse are likely having serious and ongoing issues with one or more of the following:

1. Infidelity

2. Communication breakdown

3. Physical, psychological or emotional abuse

4. Financial issues

5. Sexual incompatibility

6. Boredom

7. Religious and cultural strains

8. Child rearing

9. Addiction

10. Differences in priorities and expectations

4

You may be thinking about divorce because…

Sources: Divorce Guide – The Top 10 Reasons for Divorce – retrieved 2007

Page 5: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

You are not willing to take it any more

5

But most of all you are thinking about divorce

because

You feel you MUST get out… now!

Page 6: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

There were over 1million divorces in the U.S. in 2006

That would mean that in just the couples alone there were over 2 million people involved

There are at least 8 divorces every minute of every business day in the United States

75% of filings were by women

6

And there are a lot of people just like you

Sources: National Vital Statistics Reports – NVSS – CDEC- US Dept of Health and Human Services – Data for 2006 – 8/28/2007 – volume 55, number 20

Page 7: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

I am afraid that I will lose access to my children

I am afraid that I will lose my assets

I will lose it all…

7

What’s wrong?

Page 8: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

I want the pain to stop

I want to help raise my children

I want to keep my assets

8

What do I want?

Page 9: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. Hire a mediator

2. Take the high road

3. Consult the correct experts

4. Take the shortest path

5. Save the co-parenting relationship

9

How do I get what I want?

Page 10: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Digging into the issues…

Divorce candestroy your family

Page 11: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

There may be a threat to destroy or harm something of value to you

There may be a threat to harm you or a person or pet loved by you

It could result in unjust punishment to children – “I have to do this because of you”

The children could be involved – “See what your *mommy or daddy* has done. *She or he* has been bad and must be punished

11

There is danger when you reveal your intention

Sources: Recognizing Abuse in a Legal Divorce – Laura Johnson – SmartDivorce.com

Page 12: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Your spouse unreasonably preventing you from access to money, people, pets or anything else you value

Name calling and labeling with the intention of making you sick

Obsessive control over your actions and schedule

Taking away your freedoms

12

You may need to protect yourself from:

Sources: Recognizing Abuse in a Legal Divorce – Laura Johnson – SmartDivorce.com

Page 13: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

In a recent poll of the worst fears of divorce…

32% explaining the divorce to the children and other relatives is their worst fear

52% Fear of living alone (even with children)

57% Getting on with a “new” normal life

67% Trouble trusting God again

75% Out of place in social situations

80% Loneliness is the greatest fear

13

Knowing what mayhappen to you is hard

Sources: Divorce, Abuse and Stress – Poll Results for Women by April Lorier – 2007 eZine

Page 14: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Children of divorced families are (more than) twice as likely to suffer serious social, psychological, emotional or academic

problems

14

Knowing what may happen to your children is

even harder

Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

Page 15: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 15

Seven critical mistakesin divorce

1. Making legal and financial mistakes based on emotion

2. Negotiating without all the important information and documents

3. Thinking that the divorce process must be adversarial

4. Thinking that divorce has to be expensive

5. Not getting professional help

6. Not knowing the real value of your assets

7. Not controlling the processSources: Avoiding the Seven Critical Mistakes in Divorce – Joan Coullahan, CDFA, LLC - 2005

Page 16: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Divorce Attorneys generally charge by the hour ($200 - $400) – it is in their interest to create a contentious situation using as much time as possible

16

On top of everything elsethere are predators

Truthfully, your lawyer IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! They are not therapists, experts on taxes nor financial strategists. Use them as little as possible…

Sources: Morning Call (Allentown, PA) – Gregory Carp – July 9th, 2006 – Divorce breaks pocketbooks as well as hearts

Page 17: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

What to expect during a divorce…

Page 18: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Staying in the house together may cause a “death spiral” – regression into angrier and angrier postures

If the wife initiates the divorce the husband will often link the house and kids to saving the structure of his life

The ideology of 75% of the custody fights is ‘You want a divorce, you go; I’ll keep the house and kids’

18

Once the process has started things may escalate

Sources: Denver Rocky Mountain News – Mark Wolf quoting Sam Margulies author of the book – A Man’s Guide to Civilized Divorce – July 24th, 2004

Page 19: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. I will tell the court about your behavior and you will never get the children.

2. Why are you trying to take my money from me?

3. Either do this my way, or you won’t get a dime.

4. I'll go to jail before I'll pay you a dime.

5. I'll quit my job before I'll pay you that amount of support.

19

You may start to hear threats

Sources: Dishon & Block, APC Aaron Dishon, Esq. California Divorce Attorney – California Divorce.info – 12/11/2007 – Top Threats Made During A Divorce

Page 20: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

6. Your attorney is a loser/inexperienced OR my attorney can represent you as well as I, why don’t we just save money and use one attorney.

7. Your attorney is making me provide all kinds of documents. Call him and tell him to cancel all “discovery” requests”, he is just running up your bill. 

8. You'll never see the kids again. 

9. I will drag out this case forever-- I would rather pay my attorney than pay you—I will fight you to the bitter end.

10. I am going to file for divorce in Nevada (or some other state or country).

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And more threats…

Sources: Dishon & Block, APC Aaron Dishon, Esq. California Divorce Attorney – California Divorce.info – 12/11/2007 – Top Threats Made During A Divorce

Page 21: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Over 1,000,000 children go through divorce each year through no fault of their own

”…children will say the divorce was the worst thing that happened in their lives – and I have never seen a victimless divorce.”

Parents may begin to act emotionally and irrationally about the children

They will attempt to cut off the other spouse’s contact with the children

They may use the children as “spies” or messengers

Often the other parent is criticized in front of the child

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And your childrennow start to suffer

Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia | “Guy” Ferraro, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers – PR Newswire – June 5th, 2007 | St. Johns Law Review 2003

Page 22: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

High pre-separation parental hostility can cause children to be over-controlling

Moderate to high levels of maternal interference in the relationship with the father causes issues with intimacy

When the father interferes with the co-parenting relationship there are higher chances of having more difficulty of intimacy with males

22

Assessing your spouse’s position on co-parenting is

important

Sources: Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry – 2/1/1995 – Robert Bolgar, Joel Paris, Hallie Zweig-Frank

Page 23: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

A spouse may ‘poison’ their relatives to not have contact with the other spouse as part of an irrational power struggle

Hostilities between spouses can cause children to become ‘grand-orphans’

Loss of these relationships is harmful to the children and often to the relatives (especially grandparents)

Some parents will exclude the divorcing spouse’s relatives from any contact with themselves or the children 23

Even your relatives may become distant

Sources: Boston Globe – Nina McCain quoting psychiatrist Arthur Kornhaber author of books on grandparents and grandchildren – 11/23/88

Page 24: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

This may be the most stress of your life

There is a huge disruption in your routine

You are 12 times more likely to get an illness as your immune system weakens

Your chances of cancer are increasing

You have 300% increased chance of accidents

The longer the divorce lasts the more deadly it becomes

24

Your health starts to deteriorate

Sources: MMEGI – March 9th, 2007 – Lauri Kubuitsile – Divorce Can Even Kill

Page 25: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Digging into the issues…

Divorce caneat up your assets

Page 26: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Do you know what all of your assets are?

Do you know your debt structure?

Are there stock options?

Are there any sheltered assets?

And what about the home?

Do you understand your equity position?

26

Assessing your financial situation can be difficult

Page 27: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

If you hired an attorney the $200 - $400 per hour fees are starting to add up

In California the attorney has an automatic lien on your home!

You may have accountant fees

Your spouse may have stopped cash flow and closed accounts

Counseling for the kids is expensive

The longer the actual divorce process lasts the worse everything becomes!

27

And the expensesstart to roll-up

Page 28: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

A Memphis divorce attorney describes it as:

Lawyer Time vs Real People Time

He talks about how a client was upset with him for the slow progress he was making in their case. He makes a number of points about how the legal system can be very slow, especially in contentious cases. He says that he will tell the client that he will try and “get some things done next week”.

Then he goes on to say that “trying” is a low priority behind gym time, a hot date or getting a new client. His deadline is very slow to the client and “a month or two is nothing in lawyer world”

28

How does your attorney feel about the length of the

divorce?

Sources: Memphis Divorce Law Blog – David M. Sandy – Lawyer Time vs Real People Time – 11/26/2007

Page 29: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

In an article in the Star Tribune, the author describes how divorces have historically ended:

The couple are enemies

The savings are depleted

The children are devastated

All goodwill is lost in a fight-to-the-finish court battle

And grief, anger, confusion, and fear take a terrible toll on the mental, emotional and physical health of the participants

29

For decades people have chosen to make enemies

Sources: (Minnesota) Star Tribune April 1st, 2007 – Gail Rosenblum – A Different Divorce

Page 30: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

What to expect afterwards…

Page 31: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Parents are often not willing to co-parent

Some parents use the children as pawns

Kids will say they do not want to talk about the divorce and their feelings

Parents will often criticize their ex which is like criticizing the child

Children may be hostile when you start dating

Children in sole-custody settings were more poorly adjusted than those in joint custody (depression, deviance, school effort, school grades)

Children do not always fare well after a divorce

31

Sources: Adolescents After Divorce – Buchanan, C., Maccoby, and Dornbusch, Harvard University Press, 1996

Page 32: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

750,000 children of divorce, will relocate, each year, with custodial caretaker, to a community some distance from their other parent

3 out of 4 custodial mothers move at least once within the four years immediately following a divorce

Of those that relocate, one-half move more than one time

One concerned, loving parent may lose their relationship through no fault of their own

The parent suffers – the children suffer

Relocation can be an issue

32

Sources: St. John’s Law Review – Lucy S. McGough – April 1, 2003 – Starting over: the heuristics of family relocation decision making

Page 33: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 33

Styles of divorcedparenting varies

Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

Hostile: open warfare – no cooperation and little communication – often the needs of the children are second to the hostilities of the parents – may include interference by one or both parents

Parallel: the parenting relationships do not interfere with each other – they may have different rules and regulations – the couple does not communicate with each other

Cooperative: both participate equally in raising the children – they consult on the children’s problems and the children’s activities – they are child focused and have developed a mutual respect to achieve the best result for the child

Page 34: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 34

The parenting relationship suffers – the kids pay

Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

Page 35: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

When couples separate all expenses just doubled Rent, furniture, utilities, newspaper

subscriptions, phone, cable TV and Internet services just to name a few

Then there must be duplicate items for the children in essentials and non-essentials alike

Beds, clothing, bicycles, video game consoles, school supplies, doll houses, towels, etc…

50% of single mothers receive public assistanceIncomes at retirement are significantly lower for divorced couples than those who stayed married

There are financial changes after a divorce

35

Sources: Are Two Homes Better than One? – The True Cost of Divorce – Jeffrey Lalloway California Divorce Attorney

Page 36: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

But there is hope!There are positive steps you can take and a approach that you can use that will serve you and yours through this difficult time

Page 37: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Even though, children of divorced families are (more than) twice as likely to suffer serious social, psychological, emotional or academic problems – 80% of them make it through without these serious problems – that is your goal!

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Divorce will cause some damage to your children, but consider…

Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

Page 38: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

One guided by a mediator

One that speeds up this intrinsically painful process

One that costs relatively little

Protects the children as much as possible

And attempts to avoid creating enemies

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Wouldn’t it be better to follow the peaceful route?

Sources: (Minnesota) Star Tribune April 1st, 2007 – Gail Rosenblum – A Different Divorce

Page 39: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

You must protect your physical and psychological health

Protect your children during and after the process

Retain the relationships that are important to you

Protect your financial position as much as possible

CREATE NO (MORE) ENEMIES!

39

If it is impossible to stay married then…

Page 40: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 40

Divorce experts agreethere is better choice

The Peaceful Divorce

Page 41: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Lower the stress level – be calm (66% of divorced children are stressed)

Share a daily meal (32% of divorced children do not share a daily meal with their family)

Make children the center of the family (66% of divorced children feel they are not)

Do not discuss adult topics with the children (58% say they always felt like adults) allow them to be children

Reinforce their safety – again and again (30% do not feel emotionally safe)

41

First, minimizethe damage by…

Sources: Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce – Elizabeth Marquardt

Page 42: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Describe the situation as positively as possible in an age appropriate manner to your loved ones

Tell the children that the divorce is not their fault

Do not use the children as spies

Do not criticize the other parent

Assist the other parent in having meaningful contact with the children

42

Second, minimize the damage by being

appropriately honest

Sources: Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry – What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce

Page 43: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Watch for the warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety

Changes in your child’s emotional responses

Changes in your child’s behavior

Let’s look at each of these to see when you might call in the professional

43

Third, minimize the damage by getting professional help

Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org

Page 44: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Loss of spontaneity: playful children become moody

Low self-esteem: comments about being worthless or stupid

Excessive sadness or moodiness: withdrawal

Irrational fears or clinginess: intense crying – separation anxiety

Inappropriate anger: frequent outbursts

44

Be aware of changes in your child’s emotional responses

Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org

Page 45: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Poor self-care: poor grooming – excessive disorder

Sleep problems: nightmares, bedwetting, hard to sleep, hard to wake

Poor concentration: forgetfulness – decline in grades

Drug or alcohol use: experimenting with drugs – new “at risk” friends

Self-injury, cutting: inflicting physical pain – physical risks

Suicide: talks about killing one’s self - death

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Watch for changes in your child’s behavior

Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org

Page 46: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. Help them work through distrust or pain – especially with your co-parent and co-grandparents

2. Explain what this experience has taught you – in a positive way

3. Encourage their appropriate relationships with friends, co-parent and grandparents

46

Protect your children by supporting their

relationships

Page 47: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Look at it from the child’s point of view

I have to contend with my parents’ wild mood swings

I feel isolated, insecure and depressed

I feel somehow guilty for the divorce

I feel pressured to take sides or spy

I can’t do the usual things with my friends

I am losing everything that is important to me – friends, home, siblings, and my neighborhood

47

Getting past the distrustand betrayal in your

children

Sources: Practical strategies for helping children of divorce in today’s classroom – Childhood Education – Aug 1999 – Miller, Morrison, and Ryan

Page 48: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. Support the school counselor

2. Normal active – age appropriate – routine will develop some relationships

3. Activities that include their friends

4. Where possible involve both sets of grandparents

5. Also aunts, uncles and cousins can help re-establish a sense of belonging

6. Look for a support group of their peers

7. Family Service America, Inc (800) 221-2681 is a great resource

48

Your children needvarious types of

relationships

Sources: Divorce and the American Family – Current Health 2 – Nov 1, 1996 – Nancy Dreger

Page 49: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

You pursue excellence in your life

You are calm and loving

You are an active member of your community

You are committed to parenting

You are involved with your kids

You are a storyteller

You discuss faith and religion

You stand by your beliefs- demonstrate integrity

49

Show your kids what you would like them to become

Sources: Denver Rocky Mountain News – June 6th, 1999 – Janet Simons – Teach by Example…

Page 50: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Get regular exercise

Adopt a healthy diet

Try stress relievers such as yoga and meditation

Find a support group to attend

Tell your kids about your successes – ask about theirs

But do not show you kids your anger nor your depression – their life is rough enough right now without worrying about you as well

50

Control your anger and your depression – for them

Sources: Newsweek – Sep 27, 2004 – For a Happy Heart; Depression, loneliness and anger all take a toll on your cardiac health.

Page 51: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Be considerate and polite to their other parent

Show affection and graciousness for both sets of grandparents

Demonstrate respect to other people

Refrain from dating and promiscuous behavior particularly during the divorce

Show interest and respect in their friends

51

Demonstrate how proper relationships should

function

Page 52: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

During the divorce process the two of you will be asked to make dozens of crucial financial and custodial decisions

Many couples are finding that with a little effort they can be friends even though they cannot be married

Your divorce partner will always be the other parent of any children that you share – don’t punish the children

The price for continuing acrimony is just too high - acknowledge your part in the failure of the marriage

52

Make peace with yourdivorce partner

Page 53: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

They often will be a great ally – later if you need help

They generally want to help with the kids and may help their healing process

Be frank with them in requesting that they stay neutral and that they stay friends with you

Help them to understand that you are doing everything in your power to create a peaceful divorce

Listen to and acknowledge their pain

53

Make efforts to reconcile with your divorce partner’s

parents

Page 54: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. Do not be offended when they withdraw – they are frightened and uncomfortable – it’s not personal

2. Let them know it’s okay to keep a distance during the divorce and that you understand their discomfort

3. Send emails or messages for birthdays and events letting them know that you consider the relationship still intact

4. Ask to get together, maybe in a group setting, after the divorce

54

Retaining your friends means reaching out

Sources: Chicago Sun-Times – Friends Fear Taking Sides When the Divorce Goes Public – Karen S. Peterson – May 25, 1995

Page 55: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. Allow grieving to occur – it is a natural reaction to loss – don’t fight it – grief doesn’t so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a time – the pain will pass if you let it…

2. Choose to move forward – make a conscious effort to get up and move your life forward each day – set short and long term goals and make your actions move you towards them – record your progress

3. Prioritize – List the chores that need to be done, bills paid, etc. – create a list and a plan each day and reward yourself as you accomplish the items

55

Suggestions for emotional coping

Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

Page 56: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

4. Put things away – start living the life of a single person as soon as it is practical to do so – put away old photographs and start handling all of the aspects of your life that your spouse used to

5. Talk about it – look to• Support groups• Therapists• Church leaders• Be very cautious of using friends or

relatives6. Explore dormant interests

• Clubs• Fields• Hobbies• Career improvements

56

Emotional copingsuggestions continued

Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

Page 57: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

7. Support yourself – start

• Maintaining healthy routines

• Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings

• Distraction – entertainment – housework – attention getting tasks

• Self-soothing – be healing and compassionate with yourself – get massages – relaxation routines – religion – yoga – exercise – retreats – vacations – etc.

57

Emotional copingsuggestions continued

Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

Page 58: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

8. Avoid dangerous and self-defeating coping behaviors• Avoid drugs – alcohol – gambling –

promiscuous behavior• Avoid diving into a new relationship

because you are lonely• Avoid acting on angry impulses you might

have towards your ex-spouse• Avoid stalking your ex-spouse• Avoid revenge fantasies – a good life is the

best revenge• Avoid making large decisions after your

divorce for a while

58

Emotional copingsuggestions continued

Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

Page 59: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

1. Open a checking account in your name only – try to add an amount that you may need to transition during the divorce

2. Get a credit card(s) in your name only – establish individual credit and create an emergency resource

3. Create a budget of your expenses as a single person – be accurate, but frugal - include the children’s expenses, if appropriate

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Taking care of immediate financial safety

Sources: A Civil Divorce – Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine – July 1, 2005 – Mark K. Solheim

Page 60: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

4. Create a list of all current assets and liabilities (you may want to hire an accountant to help you with this)

5. Document all existing financial agreements

6. Get copies of all existing financial documents

7. Don’t forget taxes, insurances, beneficiaries and estate and retirement planning

8. Check on the availability of a certified divorce financial planner

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Financial Safety(continued)

Sources: A Civil Divorce – Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine – July 1, 2005 – Mark K. Solheim

Page 61: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

If you search the Internet for the cost of a divorce you will get about 800,000 hits

Of those hits that express a preference, over 95% of the experts will recommend going to a Certified Mediator first to handle your divorce and avoid the big charges

The advantages are many and the downside few, but this will not work for everyone

So let’s look at the data on the Mediator and see if this is for you

61

“I’m confused by thenumber of options”

Sources: Empire Research Group 2008

Page 62: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

There are divorce mediators in all 50 states

Some are therapists, some are faith based, some are even accountants and some are attorneys

In the peaceful divorce the primary function of the mediator is to mediate an equitable solution on the property, assets and liabilities and to help them come to a solution on visiting and parenting arrangements

Mediators help others coexist peacefully 62

The Mediator and mediation who and what are they?

Page 63: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

If the primary function of going to a mediator is to resolve the legal issues without hiring a conflict attorney then…

The mediator should be an attorney with divorce experience

They should have a fixed or low fee structure

There should be no bias

They should have a high success rate and a long track record

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How do I pick a mediator?

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Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 64

How much might you save?

Attorneys Mediator Savings

Uncontested $19,500 $3500 $16,500

Limited Contest Only Common $$$ Issues

$40,000 $3500 $36,500

Limited Contest Children and $$$

$65,000 $3500 $61,500

Highly ContestedChildren and $$$

Not peaceful$175,000 NA

Your attorney can now afford to send his kids to a

good college, on you!

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Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Use a mediator when both parties are willing to come to the table and work on a resolution – even if they don’t agree currently

Don’t try to use a mediator if the contentious nature of the divorce is such that the emotions preclude any attempt at a peaceful resolution

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Who should and shouldnot use a mediator

Page 66: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Using an online service is equivalent to setting and casting your broken arm yourself with instructions from the Internet – you might accomplish it but… the risk is horrendous

Use online data to research the laws and resources available in your state and then locally hire the resource(s) that make the most sense

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Wouldn’t I save much more with an online service?

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Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 67

And the one common sense financial safety strategy

Make the divorce processas short as possible!

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Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

These are the experts:

Richard Mikesell – Clinical Psychologist and editor of “Integrating Family Therapy”

Belinda Rachman, ESQ – California divorce lawyer and certified Mediator

Robert Emery, professor of psychology at University of Virginia and author of “The Truth About Children and Divorce”

Constance Ahrons, professor emeritus of sociology at University of Southern California

Ed Sherman, California law attorney and author of “Make any Divorce Better”

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Five divorce expertsgive sound advice

Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

Page 69: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

“Face Facts – holiday seasons will sometimes make it clear whether it is going to work or not”

“But get a second opinion – if you seek counsel with a highly qualified clinical psychologist or family therapist you will get an objective viewpoint – before you go to a divorce lawyer”

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Richard Mikesell Clinical Psychologist

Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

Page 70: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Set the tone – minimize the drama and tension, be rational and get through this as peacefully as possible - The court system creates stress and drama by its very nature

Meet with a lawyer or mediator for a one hour consultation – to learn the rules in that state – general property division, child support guidelines etc.

Meet with a mediator or family therapist to work out the child-custody guidelines and visitation arrangements

Keep the kids out it – they are not prizes –they need both parents

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Belinda RachmanCertified Mediator

Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

Page 71: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Take your time – you may have been thinking about this for a while and you may need to let the idea sink into your spouse

Provide a stable emotional environment – “let kids be kids”

Get a grip – acknowledge your feelings, but recognize what you need to do on a day to day basis

Create a business-like relationship – you may never be friends again, but you and your spouse both need to function rationally to get through this with the least damage

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Robert EmeryProfessor of Psychology

Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

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Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

See a marriage counselor together – we tend to make bad decisions at times of high stress – seeing a counselor may help to see what can be salvaged from the relationship

Don’t assume it’s easy if there are no kids – give the process the same attention and care as if kids were involved

Confide with care – don’t vent to mutual friends – you will regret it later

Be well – take care of yourself – find a safe haven to talk – sleep – get a massage – get professional help if needed 72

Constance AhronsProfessor Emeritus of

Sociology

Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

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Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Patience doesn’t apply – in cases of domestic abuse – get out – hide!

Be good example – show kids that problem solving does work

Avoid fighting – the legal system is a place of fighting

Avoid poor advice – no advice from friends or family

Agree not to discuss personal stuff – when you are discussing divorce stuff – set a separate time for that

Be well – for your child

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Ed ShermanFamily Law Attorney

Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

Ed Sherman - California law attorney and author of “Make any Divorce Better”

Page 74: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

A professional mediator is a better choice than a litigation-oriented lawyer

Unless there is a “huge power balance” between husband and wife

Doing divorce right can help give you and your ex and your kids a much better chance for happiness

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All five agree that…

Page 75: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

The couple are partners in the solution

The savings are rescued

The children will recover

Goodwill is not lost and may be built

The healing process has begun for everyone involved

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Peaceful DivorceAn Idea Whose Time Has

Come

Page 76: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Certified mediator in the state of California for 10 years

11 years of divorce and family law practice

JD from University of San Diego School of Law

Masters Degree in Special Education from New York University

Teaching severely emotionally disturbed children from 1976-1993 in state mental institutions, public and private schools

100% success in mediated divorces with over 250 couples

$3,500 flat fee per case

Spearheading the revolution to transform divorce from litigation to mediation

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IntroducingThe Peacemaker

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ

Page 77: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

If mediation is possible then Belinda will find a way

She will always help you protect the children

The shortest divorce process possible!

Her fees are fixed and inexpensive

Her success rate is 100%

If she cannot help you then she will try and guide you to most peaceful path still available to you

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Helping all couples finda better way

Page 78: The TRUTH About Divorce that lawyers will never tell you

Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008

Do not delay – do not expend your precious resources on any other professional until you have talked to Belinda

Understand your rights and the realities of divorce – be protected and secure

Visit her web site for more information

• www.divorce-inaday.com

Call her today at (760720-932478

Call Belinda for a free consultation today