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A very powerful presentation about the effects of divorce on children and the best way to divorce if you have to
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Divorce!Rescue or Disaster?
Wrong choices threaten your family and your assets
Divorce!Rescue or Disaster?
Wrong choices threaten your family and your assets
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. Divorce numbers are staggering
2. Risk of loss during divorce is very high
3. Money and children form the basis for legal disputes
4. Contentious divorces are like a war – nobody really wins
5. Divorce is never so horrible that you cannot make it worse
Areas Covered
3
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
You are currently married. You and your spouse are likely having serious and ongoing issues with one or more of the following:
1. Infidelity
2. Communication breakdown
3. Physical, psychological or emotional abuse
4. Financial issues
5. Sexual incompatibility
6. Boredom
7. Religious and cultural strains
8. Child rearing
9. Addiction
10. Differences in priorities and expectations
4
You may be thinking about divorce because…
Sources: Divorce Guide – The Top 10 Reasons for Divorce – retrieved 2007
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
You are not willing to take it any more
5
But most of all you are thinking about divorce
because
You feel you MUST get out… now!
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
There were over 1million divorces in the U.S. in 2006
That would mean that in just the couples alone there were over 2 million people involved
There are at least 8 divorces every minute of every business day in the United States
75% of filings were by women
6
And there are a lot of people just like you
Sources: National Vital Statistics Reports – NVSS – CDEC- US Dept of Health and Human Services – Data for 2006 – 8/28/2007 – volume 55, number 20
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
I am afraid that I will lose access to my children
I am afraid that I will lose my assets
I will lose it all…
7
What’s wrong?
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
I want the pain to stop
I want to help raise my children
I want to keep my assets
8
What do I want?
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. Hire a mediator
2. Take the high road
3. Consult the correct experts
4. Take the shortest path
5. Save the co-parenting relationship
9
How do I get what I want?
Digging into the issues…
Divorce candestroy your family
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
There may be a threat to destroy or harm something of value to you
There may be a threat to harm you or a person or pet loved by you
It could result in unjust punishment to children – “I have to do this because of you”
The children could be involved – “See what your *mommy or daddy* has done. *She or he* has been bad and must be punished
11
There is danger when you reveal your intention
Sources: Recognizing Abuse in a Legal Divorce – Laura Johnson – SmartDivorce.com
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Your spouse unreasonably preventing you from access to money, people, pets or anything else you value
Name calling and labeling with the intention of making you sick
Obsessive control over your actions and schedule
Taking away your freedoms
12
You may need to protect yourself from:
Sources: Recognizing Abuse in a Legal Divorce – Laura Johnson – SmartDivorce.com
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
In a recent poll of the worst fears of divorce…
32% explaining the divorce to the children and other relatives is their worst fear
52% Fear of living alone (even with children)
57% Getting on with a “new” normal life
67% Trouble trusting God again
75% Out of place in social situations
80% Loneliness is the greatest fear
13
Knowing what mayhappen to you is hard
Sources: Divorce, Abuse and Stress – Poll Results for Women by April Lorier – 2007 eZine
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Children of divorced families are (more than) twice as likely to suffer serious social, psychological, emotional or academic
problems
14
Knowing what may happen to your children is
even harder
Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 15
Seven critical mistakesin divorce
1. Making legal and financial mistakes based on emotion
2. Negotiating without all the important information and documents
3. Thinking that the divorce process must be adversarial
4. Thinking that divorce has to be expensive
5. Not getting professional help
6. Not knowing the real value of your assets
7. Not controlling the processSources: Avoiding the Seven Critical Mistakes in Divorce – Joan Coullahan, CDFA, LLC - 2005
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Divorce Attorneys generally charge by the hour ($200 - $400) – it is in their interest to create a contentious situation using as much time as possible
16
On top of everything elsethere are predators
Truthfully, your lawyer IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! They are not therapists, experts on taxes nor financial strategists. Use them as little as possible…
Sources: Morning Call (Allentown, PA) – Gregory Carp – July 9th, 2006 – Divorce breaks pocketbooks as well as hearts
What to expect during a divorce…
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Staying in the house together may cause a “death spiral” – regression into angrier and angrier postures
If the wife initiates the divorce the husband will often link the house and kids to saving the structure of his life
The ideology of 75% of the custody fights is ‘You want a divorce, you go; I’ll keep the house and kids’
18
Once the process has started things may escalate
Sources: Denver Rocky Mountain News – Mark Wolf quoting Sam Margulies author of the book – A Man’s Guide to Civilized Divorce – July 24th, 2004
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. I will tell the court about your behavior and you will never get the children.
2. Why are you trying to take my money from me?
3. Either do this my way, or you won’t get a dime.
4. I'll go to jail before I'll pay you a dime.
5. I'll quit my job before I'll pay you that amount of support.
19
You may start to hear threats
Sources: Dishon & Block, APC Aaron Dishon, Esq. California Divorce Attorney – California Divorce.info – 12/11/2007 – Top Threats Made During A Divorce
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
6. Your attorney is a loser/inexperienced OR my attorney can represent you as well as I, why don’t we just save money and use one attorney.
7. Your attorney is making me provide all kinds of documents. Call him and tell him to cancel all “discovery” requests”, he is just running up your bill.
8. You'll never see the kids again.
9. I will drag out this case forever-- I would rather pay my attorney than pay you—I will fight you to the bitter end.
10. I am going to file for divorce in Nevada (or some other state or country).
20
And more threats…
Sources: Dishon & Block, APC Aaron Dishon, Esq. California Divorce Attorney – California Divorce.info – 12/11/2007 – Top Threats Made During A Divorce
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Over 1,000,000 children go through divorce each year through no fault of their own
”…children will say the divorce was the worst thing that happened in their lives – and I have never seen a victimless divorce.”
Parents may begin to act emotionally and irrationally about the children
They will attempt to cut off the other spouse’s contact with the children
They may use the children as “spies” or messengers
Often the other parent is criticized in front of the child
21
And your childrennow start to suffer
Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia | “Guy” Ferraro, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers – PR Newswire – June 5th, 2007 | St. Johns Law Review 2003
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
High pre-separation parental hostility can cause children to be over-controlling
Moderate to high levels of maternal interference in the relationship with the father causes issues with intimacy
When the father interferes with the co-parenting relationship there are higher chances of having more difficulty of intimacy with males
22
Assessing your spouse’s position on co-parenting is
important
Sources: Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry – 2/1/1995 – Robert Bolgar, Joel Paris, Hallie Zweig-Frank
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
A spouse may ‘poison’ their relatives to not have contact with the other spouse as part of an irrational power struggle
Hostilities between spouses can cause children to become ‘grand-orphans’
Loss of these relationships is harmful to the children and often to the relatives (especially grandparents)
Some parents will exclude the divorcing spouse’s relatives from any contact with themselves or the children 23
Even your relatives may become distant
Sources: Boston Globe – Nina McCain quoting psychiatrist Arthur Kornhaber author of books on grandparents and grandchildren – 11/23/88
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
This may be the most stress of your life
There is a huge disruption in your routine
You are 12 times more likely to get an illness as your immune system weakens
Your chances of cancer are increasing
You have 300% increased chance of accidents
The longer the divorce lasts the more deadly it becomes
24
Your health starts to deteriorate
Sources: MMEGI – March 9th, 2007 – Lauri Kubuitsile – Divorce Can Even Kill
Digging into the issues…
Divorce caneat up your assets
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Do you know what all of your assets are?
Do you know your debt structure?
Are there stock options?
Are there any sheltered assets?
And what about the home?
Do you understand your equity position?
26
Assessing your financial situation can be difficult
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
If you hired an attorney the $200 - $400 per hour fees are starting to add up
In California the attorney has an automatic lien on your home!
You may have accountant fees
Your spouse may have stopped cash flow and closed accounts
Counseling for the kids is expensive
The longer the actual divorce process lasts the worse everything becomes!
27
And the expensesstart to roll-up
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
A Memphis divorce attorney describes it as:
Lawyer Time vs Real People Time
He talks about how a client was upset with him for the slow progress he was making in their case. He makes a number of points about how the legal system can be very slow, especially in contentious cases. He says that he will tell the client that he will try and “get some things done next week”.
Then he goes on to say that “trying” is a low priority behind gym time, a hot date or getting a new client. His deadline is very slow to the client and “a month or two is nothing in lawyer world”
28
How does your attorney feel about the length of the
divorce?
Sources: Memphis Divorce Law Blog – David M. Sandy – Lawyer Time vs Real People Time – 11/26/2007
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
In an article in the Star Tribune, the author describes how divorces have historically ended:
The couple are enemies
The savings are depleted
The children are devastated
All goodwill is lost in a fight-to-the-finish court battle
And grief, anger, confusion, and fear take a terrible toll on the mental, emotional and physical health of the participants
29
For decades people have chosen to make enemies
Sources: (Minnesota) Star Tribune April 1st, 2007 – Gail Rosenblum – A Different Divorce
What to expect afterwards…
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Parents are often not willing to co-parent
Some parents use the children as pawns
Kids will say they do not want to talk about the divorce and their feelings
Parents will often criticize their ex which is like criticizing the child
Children may be hostile when you start dating
Children in sole-custody settings were more poorly adjusted than those in joint custody (depression, deviance, school effort, school grades)
Children do not always fare well after a divorce
31
Sources: Adolescents After Divorce – Buchanan, C., Maccoby, and Dornbusch, Harvard University Press, 1996
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
750,000 children of divorce, will relocate, each year, with custodial caretaker, to a community some distance from their other parent
3 out of 4 custodial mothers move at least once within the four years immediately following a divorce
Of those that relocate, one-half move more than one time
One concerned, loving parent may lose their relationship through no fault of their own
The parent suffers – the children suffer
Relocation can be an issue
32
Sources: St. John’s Law Review – Lucy S. McGough – April 1, 2003 – Starting over: the heuristics of family relocation decision making
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 33
Styles of divorcedparenting varies
Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia
Hostile: open warfare – no cooperation and little communication – often the needs of the children are second to the hostilities of the parents – may include interference by one or both parents
Parallel: the parenting relationships do not interfere with each other – they may have different rules and regulations – the couple does not communicate with each other
Cooperative: both participate equally in raising the children – they consult on the children’s problems and the children’s activities – they are child focused and have developed a mutual respect to achieve the best result for the child
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 34
The parenting relationship suffers – the kids pay
Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
When couples separate all expenses just doubled Rent, furniture, utilities, newspaper
subscriptions, phone, cable TV and Internet services just to name a few
Then there must be duplicate items for the children in essentials and non-essentials alike
Beds, clothing, bicycles, video game consoles, school supplies, doll houses, towels, etc…
50% of single mothers receive public assistanceIncomes at retirement are significantly lower for divorced couples than those who stayed married
There are financial changes after a divorce
35
Sources: Are Two Homes Better than One? – The True Cost of Divorce – Jeffrey Lalloway California Divorce Attorney
But there is hope!There are positive steps you can take and a approach that you can use that will serve you and yours through this difficult time
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Even though, children of divorced families are (more than) twice as likely to suffer serious social, psychological, emotional or academic problems – 80% of them make it through without these serious problems – that is your goal!
37
Divorce will cause some damage to your children, but consider…
Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
One guided by a mediator
One that speeds up this intrinsically painful process
One that costs relatively little
Protects the children as much as possible
And attempts to avoid creating enemies
38
Wouldn’t it be better to follow the peaceful route?
Sources: (Minnesota) Star Tribune April 1st, 2007 – Gail Rosenblum – A Different Divorce
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
You must protect your physical and psychological health
Protect your children during and after the process
Retain the relationships that are important to you
Protect your financial position as much as possible
CREATE NO (MORE) ENEMIES!
39
If it is impossible to stay married then…
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 40
Divorce experts agreethere is better choice
The Peaceful Divorce
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Lower the stress level – be calm (66% of divorced children are stressed)
Share a daily meal (32% of divorced children do not share a daily meal with their family)
Make children the center of the family (66% of divorced children feel they are not)
Do not discuss adult topics with the children (58% say they always felt like adults) allow them to be children
Reinforce their safety – again and again (30% do not feel emotionally safe)
41
First, minimizethe damage by…
Sources: Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce – Elizabeth Marquardt
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Describe the situation as positively as possible in an age appropriate manner to your loved ones
Tell the children that the divorce is not their fault
Do not use the children as spies
Do not criticize the other parent
Assist the other parent in having meaningful contact with the children
42
Second, minimize the damage by being
appropriately honest
Sources: Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry – What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Watch for the warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety
Changes in your child’s emotional responses
Changes in your child’s behavior
Let’s look at each of these to see when you might call in the professional
43
Third, minimize the damage by getting professional help
Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Loss of spontaneity: playful children become moody
Low self-esteem: comments about being worthless or stupid
Excessive sadness or moodiness: withdrawal
Irrational fears or clinginess: intense crying – separation anxiety
Inappropriate anger: frequent outbursts
44
Be aware of changes in your child’s emotional responses
Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Poor self-care: poor grooming – excessive disorder
Sleep problems: nightmares, bedwetting, hard to sleep, hard to wake
Poor concentration: forgetfulness – decline in grades
Drug or alcohol use: experimenting with drugs – new “at risk” friends
Self-injury, cutting: inflicting physical pain – physical risks
Suicide: talks about killing one’s self - death
45
Watch for changes in your child’s behavior
Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. Help them work through distrust or pain – especially with your co-parent and co-grandparents
2. Explain what this experience has taught you – in a positive way
3. Encourage their appropriate relationships with friends, co-parent and grandparents
46
Protect your children by supporting their
relationships
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Look at it from the child’s point of view
I have to contend with my parents’ wild mood swings
I feel isolated, insecure and depressed
I feel somehow guilty for the divorce
I feel pressured to take sides or spy
I can’t do the usual things with my friends
I am losing everything that is important to me – friends, home, siblings, and my neighborhood
47
Getting past the distrustand betrayal in your
children
Sources: Practical strategies for helping children of divorce in today’s classroom – Childhood Education – Aug 1999 – Miller, Morrison, and Ryan
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. Support the school counselor
2. Normal active – age appropriate – routine will develop some relationships
3. Activities that include their friends
4. Where possible involve both sets of grandparents
5. Also aunts, uncles and cousins can help re-establish a sense of belonging
6. Look for a support group of their peers
7. Family Service America, Inc (800) 221-2681 is a great resource
48
Your children needvarious types of
relationships
Sources: Divorce and the American Family – Current Health 2 – Nov 1, 1996 – Nancy Dreger
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
You pursue excellence in your life
You are calm and loving
You are an active member of your community
You are committed to parenting
You are involved with your kids
You are a storyteller
You discuss faith and religion
You stand by your beliefs- demonstrate integrity
49
Show your kids what you would like them to become
Sources: Denver Rocky Mountain News – June 6th, 1999 – Janet Simons – Teach by Example…
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Get regular exercise
Adopt a healthy diet
Try stress relievers such as yoga and meditation
Find a support group to attend
Tell your kids about your successes – ask about theirs
But do not show you kids your anger nor your depression – their life is rough enough right now without worrying about you as well
50
Control your anger and your depression – for them
Sources: Newsweek – Sep 27, 2004 – For a Happy Heart; Depression, loneliness and anger all take a toll on your cardiac health.
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Be considerate and polite to their other parent
Show affection and graciousness for both sets of grandparents
Demonstrate respect to other people
Refrain from dating and promiscuous behavior particularly during the divorce
Show interest and respect in their friends
51
Demonstrate how proper relationships should
function
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
During the divorce process the two of you will be asked to make dozens of crucial financial and custodial decisions
Many couples are finding that with a little effort they can be friends even though they cannot be married
Your divorce partner will always be the other parent of any children that you share – don’t punish the children
The price for continuing acrimony is just too high - acknowledge your part in the failure of the marriage
52
Make peace with yourdivorce partner
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
They often will be a great ally – later if you need help
They generally want to help with the kids and may help their healing process
Be frank with them in requesting that they stay neutral and that they stay friends with you
Help them to understand that you are doing everything in your power to create a peaceful divorce
Listen to and acknowledge their pain
53
Make efforts to reconcile with your divorce partner’s
parents
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. Do not be offended when they withdraw – they are frightened and uncomfortable – it’s not personal
2. Let them know it’s okay to keep a distance during the divorce and that you understand their discomfort
3. Send emails or messages for birthdays and events letting them know that you consider the relationship still intact
4. Ask to get together, maybe in a group setting, after the divorce
54
Retaining your friends means reaching out
Sources: Chicago Sun-Times – Friends Fear Taking Sides When the Divorce Goes Public – Karen S. Peterson – May 25, 1995
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. Allow grieving to occur – it is a natural reaction to loss – don’t fight it – grief doesn’t so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a time – the pain will pass if you let it…
2. Choose to move forward – make a conscious effort to get up and move your life forward each day – set short and long term goals and make your actions move you towards them – record your progress
3. Prioritize – List the chores that need to be done, bills paid, etc. – create a list and a plan each day and reward yourself as you accomplish the items
55
Suggestions for emotional coping
Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
4. Put things away – start living the life of a single person as soon as it is practical to do so – put away old photographs and start handling all of the aspects of your life that your spouse used to
5. Talk about it – look to• Support groups• Therapists• Church leaders• Be very cautious of using friends or
relatives6. Explore dormant interests
• Clubs• Fields• Hobbies• Career improvements
56
Emotional copingsuggestions continued
Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
7. Support yourself – start
• Maintaining healthy routines
• Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings
• Distraction – entertainment – housework – attention getting tasks
• Self-soothing – be healing and compassionate with yourself – get massages – relaxation routines – religion – yoga – exercise – retreats – vacations – etc.
57
Emotional copingsuggestions continued
Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
8. Avoid dangerous and self-defeating coping behaviors• Avoid drugs – alcohol – gambling –
promiscuous behavior• Avoid diving into a new relationship
because you are lonely• Avoid acting on angry impulses you might
have towards your ex-spouse• Avoid stalking your ex-spouse• Avoid revenge fantasies – a good life is the
best revenge• Avoid making large decisions after your
divorce for a while
58
Emotional copingsuggestions continued
Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
1. Open a checking account in your name only – try to add an amount that you may need to transition during the divorce
2. Get a credit card(s) in your name only – establish individual credit and create an emergency resource
3. Create a budget of your expenses as a single person – be accurate, but frugal - include the children’s expenses, if appropriate
59
Taking care of immediate financial safety
Sources: A Civil Divorce – Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine – July 1, 2005 – Mark K. Solheim
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
4. Create a list of all current assets and liabilities (you may want to hire an accountant to help you with this)
5. Document all existing financial agreements
6. Get copies of all existing financial documents
7. Don’t forget taxes, insurances, beneficiaries and estate and retirement planning
8. Check on the availability of a certified divorce financial planner
60
Financial Safety(continued)
Sources: A Civil Divorce – Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine – July 1, 2005 – Mark K. Solheim
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
If you search the Internet for the cost of a divorce you will get about 800,000 hits
Of those hits that express a preference, over 95% of the experts will recommend going to a Certified Mediator first to handle your divorce and avoid the big charges
The advantages are many and the downside few, but this will not work for everyone
So let’s look at the data on the Mediator and see if this is for you
61
“I’m confused by thenumber of options”
Sources: Empire Research Group 2008
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
There are divorce mediators in all 50 states
Some are therapists, some are faith based, some are even accountants and some are attorneys
In the peaceful divorce the primary function of the mediator is to mediate an equitable solution on the property, assets and liabilities and to help them come to a solution on visiting and parenting arrangements
Mediators help others coexist peacefully 62
The Mediator and mediation who and what are they?
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
If the primary function of going to a mediator is to resolve the legal issues without hiring a conflict attorney then…
The mediator should be an attorney with divorce experience
They should have a fixed or low fee structure
There should be no bias
They should have a high success rate and a long track record
63
How do I pick a mediator?
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 64
How much might you save?
Attorneys Mediator Savings
Uncontested $19,500 $3500 $16,500
Limited Contest Only Common $$$ Issues
$40,000 $3500 $36,500
Limited Contest Children and $$$
$65,000 $3500 $61,500
Highly ContestedChildren and $$$
Not peaceful$175,000 NA
Your attorney can now afford to send his kids to a
good college, on you!
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Use a mediator when both parties are willing to come to the table and work on a resolution – even if they don’t agree currently
Don’t try to use a mediator if the contentious nature of the divorce is such that the emotions preclude any attempt at a peaceful resolution
65
Who should and shouldnot use a mediator
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Using an online service is equivalent to setting and casting your broken arm yourself with instructions from the Internet – you might accomplish it but… the risk is horrendous
Use online data to research the laws and resources available in your state and then locally hire the resource(s) that make the most sense
66
Wouldn’t I save much more with an online service?
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008 67
And the one common sense financial safety strategy
Make the divorce processas short as possible!
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
These are the experts:
Richard Mikesell – Clinical Psychologist and editor of “Integrating Family Therapy”
Belinda Rachman, ESQ – California divorce lawyer and certified Mediator
Robert Emery, professor of psychology at University of Virginia and author of “The Truth About Children and Divorce”
Constance Ahrons, professor emeritus of sociology at University of Southern California
Ed Sherman, California law attorney and author of “Make any Divorce Better”
68
Five divorce expertsgive sound advice
Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
“Face Facts – holiday seasons will sometimes make it clear whether it is going to work or not”
“But get a second opinion – if you seek counsel with a highly qualified clinical psychologist or family therapist you will get an objective viewpoint – before you go to a divorce lawyer”
69
Richard Mikesell Clinical Psychologist
Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Set the tone – minimize the drama and tension, be rational and get through this as peacefully as possible - The court system creates stress and drama by its very nature
Meet with a lawyer or mediator for a one hour consultation – to learn the rules in that state – general property division, child support guidelines etc.
Meet with a mediator or family therapist to work out the child-custody guidelines and visitation arrangements
Keep the kids out it – they are not prizes –they need both parents
70
Belinda RachmanCertified Mediator
Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Take your time – you may have been thinking about this for a while and you may need to let the idea sink into your spouse
Provide a stable emotional environment – “let kids be kids”
Get a grip – acknowledge your feelings, but recognize what you need to do on a day to day basis
Create a business-like relationship – you may never be friends again, but you and your spouse both need to function rationally to get through this with the least damage
71
Robert EmeryProfessor of Psychology
Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
See a marriage counselor together – we tend to make bad decisions at times of high stress – seeing a counselor may help to see what can be salvaged from the relationship
Don’t assume it’s easy if there are no kids – give the process the same attention and care as if kids were involved
Confide with care – don’t vent to mutual friends – you will regret it later
Be well – take care of yourself – find a safe haven to talk – sleep – get a massage – get professional help if needed 72
Constance AhronsProfessor Emeritus of
Sociology
Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Patience doesn’t apply – in cases of domestic abuse – get out – hide!
Be good example – show kids that problem solving does work
Avoid fighting – the legal system is a place of fighting
Avoid poor advice – no advice from friends or family
Agree not to discuss personal stuff – when you are discussing divorce stuff – set a separate time for that
Be well – for your child
73
Ed ShermanFamily Law Attorney
Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07
Ed Sherman - California law attorney and author of “Make any Divorce Better”
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
A professional mediator is a better choice than a litigation-oriented lawyer
Unless there is a “huge power balance” between husband and wife
Doing divorce right can help give you and your ex and your kids a much better chance for happiness
74
All five agree that…
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
The couple are partners in the solution
The savings are rescued
The children will recover
Goodwill is not lost and may be built
The healing process has begun for everyone involved
75
Peaceful DivorceAn Idea Whose Time Has
Come
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Certified mediator in the state of California for 10 years
11 years of divorce and family law practice
JD from University of San Diego School of Law
Masters Degree in Special Education from New York University
Teaching severely emotionally disturbed children from 1976-1993 in state mental institutions, public and private schools
100% success in mediated divorces with over 250 couples
$3,500 flat fee per case
Spearheading the revolution to transform divorce from litigation to mediation
76
IntroducingThe Peacemaker
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
If mediation is possible then Belinda will find a way
She will always help you protect the children
The shortest divorce process possible!
Her fees are fixed and inexpensive
Her success rate is 100%
If she cannot help you then she will try and guide you to most peaceful path still available to you
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Helping all couples finda better way
Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ Copyright 2008
Do not delay – do not expend your precious resources on any other professional until you have talked to Belinda
Understand your rights and the realities of divorce – be protected and secure
Visit her web site for more information
• www.divorce-inaday.com
Call her today at (760720-932478
Call Belinda for a free consultation today