Brave Communication!!

Keeping Our Love “On”

Tuesday Nights November 17 - December 15 Led by Russ Fochler

Week 2 November 24, 2015

Goal

For each of us to become more “Powerful” and “Brave” in our relationships.

PowerfulWe’re “powerful” when we “show up” in a relationship — and we’re helping the other person to “show up” too.

BraveWe’re “brave” when we are no longer slaves to fear, but living as loved daughters and sons of Father God. !

The mature kind of love that comes from our Father — displaces fear in us and in our relationships.

Practices for class !and during your daily life

Remembering to always start with seeking to Understand the other first

Using “I” statements,

Avoiding “It” statements, Avoiding “You” statements!

Tactical Breathing

“Tactical Breathing” Used by First Responders and Soldiers

!Breathe in through your nose to the count of 4!!Hold your breath to the count of 4.!!Breathe out through your lips to the count of 4.!!Hold your breath to the count of 4.!!Repeat until you feel your body and mind relax.

Brave Communication

by Dann Farrelly — Sr. Leader!

Bethel Church, Redding CA

Signs I “Need” Brave Communication

When I hear or have strong emotions!

When I hear or have a problem!

When I hear or have confusion

Quick Review:Seeking first to understand!

The challenge of each person having their own unique “codebook”.!

Asking: “I’m wondering if….” to understand whether a difference in our “codebooks” is the source of our frustration.

Brave Communication Disk 1 min 32 to 38

Dann Farrelly

Rebuke, Repent, ForgiveFrom Luke 17: 1-10!Rebuke??!Dann Farrelly: “People can’t change unless we give them good feedback about how they are affecting us.“!We don’t have to be mean. We can use kind “I” statements.

Brave Communication Disk 1 min 38 to 43

Dann Farrelly

Rebuke, Repent, ForgiveRebuke?!Love keeps no record of wrong when we express “that hurt!” and can then “move on”.!Exercise: What would it look like if in your relationships, you gave feedback when what someone said or did felt painful to you?

Rebuke, Repent, Forgive

Exercises: !What would it feel like for you if people started giving feedback to you when something you said or did felt painful to them?!What if it feel like -if it took you a while to change your behavior?

Rebuke, Repent, Forgive

Discussion: !What if the issue someone has with you seems like it’s really their “brokenness” or a problem with their interpretation of your communication/behavior?

Feelings:!The “Dirty Little Secret” of

Communication!!

Why?!Did you grow up believing that it

would be much better to disconnect from feelings when

trying to communicate?

Brave Communication Disk 1 min 43 to 50.33

Dann Farrelly

Feelings are an important part of us, and they are tempered by the other aspects of who we are.!

Main ones: Glad, Sad, Mad, and E-gad (scared). Also disgust, hopeless despair.!

Say (acknowledge) the painful ones (frustrated, angry, scared, etc.!

Display the positive ones (joyful, happy, etc.)

Empathy - Brene Brown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Empathy - Brene Brown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Empathy - To Feel “With” It’s almost impossible to communicate empathy if we don’t allow ourselves to feel our own emotions.!

Exercise: Has you recently experienced “empathy” from someone else? Did that help? How? Pair-up and share this.

Awareness of Feelings

Feelings in our body!

Feeling our emotions directly

Brave Communication Disk 1 min 50:33 to 55:30

Dann Farrelly

Becoming Aware of Our Feeling is Key:

To give effective “I” statements!

To practice reflective and active listening. (Why is this?)

Brave Communication Disk 1 min 55:30 to 57:00

Dann Farrelly

Feelings - Hidden Agendas and Energy Management

Any time we hide a significant feeling from someone, we create a hidden agenda and cut-off growth and communication with them in that area.!

It takes as much or more energy to hide/deny a feeling/judgment as it does to work through the matter

Feelings and Curiosity“The opposite of recognizing that we’re feeling something is denying our emotions. The opposite of being curious is disengaging. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us.

Feelings and CuriosityOur job is not to deny our story but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we stay: Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.” Brene Brown “Rising Strong” pg 50

Reckoning with Our Emotions

Selected readings from Brene Brown “Rising Strong” pg 52 - 69!

Priming the Pump to be curious!

Ways we “off-load” hurt!

Strategies for Reckoning

Exercises - Groups of 2What was the norm for acknowledging emotions in the family you grew up with?!

Today are you generally aware and curious about what you are feeling (emotions and body sensations)? Or is this something you’d like to explore?

Exercises - Groups of 2Ways people “Off Load” hurt feelings: “Chandliering”, “Bouncing Hurt”, “Numbing Hurt”, and “Stockpiling Hurt”.!

Do you see yourself doing any of these? Describe how that works for you - and some of the effects this has had on your life and relationships.

Exercises - Groups of 2

Ways to give our emotional life more freedom and awareness: “Permission Slips” and Mindfulness.!

What would you like to give yourself permission to feel this coming week (including Thanksgiving)?