© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon1 After the Storm Resolving Post-Separation Conflict

After the Storm

Resolving Post-SeparationConflict

The High Conflict Parent Range of Behaviors (Johnston)

1. Verbal sniping, passive aggression

2. Arguments, interference3. Aggression via the courts4. Threats, stalking5. Property damage6. Physical violence, murder

The High Conflict Parent How many divorcing parents are

HIGH CONFLICT?

10% 10%Low, Settle

Low, Court

High, Court

The High Conflict Parent Costs (to parents)

attorneys, mediators, evaluators

therapists, counselors time lost from work (e.g,

hearings)

The High Conflict Parent Costs (to parents), cont’d

day care supervised visitation drug/alcohol monitoring lowered functioning

The High Conflict Parent Public costs (taxpayers)

Court, judge, magistrate, security

Evaluation, mediation, counselors

Guardian ad litem Children’s services Schools

The High Conflict Parent Costs to Your Children

Fear and worry Loyalty tug-of-war Anger and confusion Emotional trauma, stress Health problems School problems Future relationship problems

Reasons for Conflict

Failing the Tasks of Divorce1. Unable to accept the failure of the marriage

In emotional shockCan’t recognize both are woundedFault finding, blaming, revengeCan’t see both points of viewFeeling personally rejectedWon’t seek personal help

2. Unable to recognize the divorce as a family crisis

Failure to protect the childrenFailure to plan for financial

healthFailure to plan the process of

uncoupling

3. Unable to Perform the Psychological Tasks of Divorce

Limit and structure contact with “ex” Find safe outlet for strong emotions Find sounding board Get help: Legal, psychological Healthy perspective: Healing vs.

revenge Separate parenting from marital roles

Stages of Grief

1. Denial2. Anger3. Bargaining4. Depression5. Acceptance,moving on

Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “My needs are more important.” “The other parent cannot be

trusted.” “The other parent is a danger to

my child.” “My child will benefit in spite of

conflict.”

Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “Only my view of my child’s

needs is valid.” “My child must have one house,

one set of goals, one set of rules.”

“My attorney must represent my interests at all costs”

Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “The court must validate my point

of view.” “I may need to expend all

assets.” “Any level of anger/violence is

justified.” “Any reasonable person would

agree with me.”

4. Resolving blame and guiltTry these sentence completions (and

share with other parent)

1. I am angry at you for _____________________

2. I am angry at myself for _____________________

4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d

3. I should have ________________________

4. You should have ________________________

5. I wish we could have ________________________

4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d6. I am sorry for________________

7. I want you to acknowledge __________________________

8. I feel that you owe me_________

9. I feel that I owe you ___________

10. I need to forgive myself for _________________

11. I need to forgive you for ___________________

12. By knowing you, I learned and gained the following _____________________

13. I have enriched you in the following ways ____________________

14. I wish _____________________

15. I also wish _____________________

6. Increasing Child Focus

Verbal or written exercise for parents (only include what both parents agree on)

A. We have the following goals and hopes for

our children:

6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d

B. When our children become adults and look back on this period in their lives, we would like them to be able to say the following about us as parents:

6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d

C. We as parents can achieve the two

items above by doing the following together:

Ways to Avoid Conflict Limit contact with your “ex” Safe emotional outlet Find a “sounding board” Legal, psychological help Healing vs. revenge Parenting vs. marital roles

VIDEO EXCERPT

VIDEO EXCERPT1. Why are these parents

in conflict?

2. What “buttons” do they push?

VIDEO EXCERPT

VIDEO EXCERPTn What is each person

thinking and feeling?1. Wayne, the father2. Karen, the mother3. Bob, the boyfriend4. Sarah, the daughter

Court Options Temporary rulings Restraining orders Case management Court-ordered services

Education Mental health Evaluations

Court Options Mental Health

Co-parenting coordinators Supervised visitation Family, individual therapy

Court Options Child and Family Evaluations

Home-based & behavioralFocus on child’s needsAssess parent’s capabilitiesAssess causes, cures of

conflictParents need accurate view

of child and selvesShould lead to a flexible plan

Moderate Court Options Education classes Mediation Collaborative Law Safe exchanges

Conflict Reduction1. Both parents need information

on potential harm of conflict2. Respond without escalation3. Learn communication skills4. Resolve blame and guilt5. Focusing on the future6. Increasing focus on children

Types of conflict Destructive conflict

focus on winning (and retaliating for loss)

proving who is right Constructive conflict

focus on problem solving

Using “Akido” Accept conflict, move it out of

harm’s way Center yourself; take deep breaths Don’t get defensive; accept other’s

concern Remain detached; ask questions Work with other vs. challenging

Communication skills Make agenda, stay on one

topic Use “I” messages Use “Active Listening” Ask “open-ended”

questions

“I” messages• 1. Simple statement about

how you feel:• “I feel really frustrated when

you……”

• 2. Simple request for a behavior change

• “I would like it if you could……”

Active listening1. Listen to what the other

person just said

2. Calmly say back what you think you heard

3. Ask if you got it right

Open-ended questions1. Ask what the children

need2. Ask what the other parent

needs3. Ask how you can meet

those needs

VIDEO EXCERPTThe High-Conflict

Exchange

VIDEO EXCERPT1. What skills did you see

each adult use?2. What skills does each

need to use?3. What is the daughter

feeling this time?

Parallel Parenting Agree on common goals

and standards Negotiate how to reach

goals for children Communicate only about

parenting activities Business-like relationship

VIDEO EXCERPT

AnExample of

ParallelParenting

VIDEO EXCERPT

What caused this problem?

What is each person thinking & feeling?

VIDEO EXCERPT

ParallelParenting:

A Better Way

VIDEO EXCERPT

Mom’s Use of Skills: Supervised Sean Praised Sean Clear expectations Consequences

VIDEO EXCERPTParallel Parenting:

AnotherBetter Way

VIDEO EXCERPTMom’s Use of Skills: Took responsibility “I” message, request Business-like tone Active listening Cooperative alliance

VIDEO EXCERPT

Dad’s Use of Skills: Frequent

communication Safe format for

communication

Helping Children Adjust Avoid Conflict

Carrying message Money issues Criticisms of the other parent Quizzing about the other

parent

Helping Children Adjust Loss of Contact

Phone calls Emails Web cameras Pictures Calendars Audio tapes

Focus on the Future

We cannot change the past.

We can control the future.

Further Information

The Center for Divorce EducationP.O. Box 5900

Athens, OH 45701

740-594-7173

www.divorce-education.com

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon1 After the Storm Resolving Post-Separation Conflict

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