Creative Strategies for Conflict Resolution Melissa Fry MSW Paul Gasser MS/LMFT

Creative Strategies for Conflict Resolution

Melissa Fry MSW

Paul Gasser MS/LMFT

Workshop Objectives

Participants in this series will learn how to:• Identify how most people respond in stressful

situations or conflicts. Identify examples how most people react to stressful situations, or conflicts and reflect on how they themselves cope.

• Recognize how to improve communication and your relationships with co-workers. Identify what behaviors are necessary for genuine communication to occur with others.

Workshop Objectives

Participants in this series will learn how to:• Identify how most people respond in stressful

situations or conflicts. Identify examples how most people react to stressful situations, or conflicts and reflect on how they themselves cope.

• Recognize the signs and symptoms of a hostile work environment. Identify the behaviors that are common when a staff is lacking necessary social skill for genuine communication to occur.

Workshop Objectives

• Learn methods for resolving conflicts with co-workers. Implement methods for effectively resolving conflicts with others.

• Learn ways to invest less time and energy in conflict and create more productive relationships with others at work.

Critical Conversations.

• These are about important issues, but often difficult to talk about. This is discussion between two or more people where (1) the stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong. They are about important issues, but often difficult to talk about.

Examples:

• Confronting another coworker • Addressing a coworker whose behavior is

inappropriate• Giving your supervisor negative feedback • Critiquing a colleague’s work• Confronting an individual who has been

hostile and bullying others

Why it is important to master critical conversations:

Master your critical conversations and conflict and you’ll strengthen the relationships around you, improve your health and quality of life. As you and others master high-stakes communications, you’ll also improve the quality of your organization.

When these types of conflicts are not being successfully resolved:

Organizations will demonstrate some the following dysfunctional behaviors:

• Bickering• Hyper-critical • Backstabbing of each• Intimidation • Refusing to help or support another co-worker• Isolation of another person

Signs of a hostile work environment can be:

• Verbal: snide remarks, sharing sensitive information about another person, name-calling, withholding information about a student, conversations are not “safe” to have for fear of a negative reaction, attributing all that goes wrong to one person, contentious discussions in non-private places  

• Non-verbal actions: rolling of one’s eyes, hand jesters, threatening actions, lack of openness to another person, undermining activities, not being available

Signs of a hostile work environment can be:

• Psychological: excluding someone, spreading rumors, gossiping, berating someone (e.g. their thoughts and efforts), deliberately setting up another person for failure, intimidation as a result of your own anger

• Physical: hitting, pushing, taking one’s possessions, damaging one’s property

Physical Signs of Staff Working in a Hostile Environment

Emotional:• Crying/sad• Withdrawn• Angry• Negative

Social: • Talk about work issues out in public• Substance abuse• Disengage from loved one’s

Physical Signs of Staff Working in a Hostile Environment

Psychological:• Low self-worth• Depression• Anxiety• Difficulty making decisions and forgetful

Physical:• Weight gain• Fatigue • Appearance (Unders and Overs)

Physical Signs of Staff Working in a Hostile Environment

Others:• Interactions with children• Job performance• Job satisfaction• Participation in extra activities

Services PrinciplesCare for the Organization

Services Principles

Care for Each Other

Care for the Students

The Law of Critical Conversations and Conflicts:

• Lots of us are our own worst enemy because of how we typically handle critical conversations and conflict.

• Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are critical conversations keeping you stuck there.

• Identify the critical conversation you’re holding or not hold well, figure out where you’re going wrong, and get better at everything.

How Do We Typically Handle Conflict:

We can do one of three things:• We can avoid them and become silent. (e.g.

“No Talk Rule”)• We can face them and handle them poorly.

(e.g. Become too emotional, or say the wrong things.)

• We can face them and handle them well.

• The way you treat one another either helps you come to a healthy resolution or keeps you stuck doing the same old things and getting the same old results.

Common process problems people make:

• Don’t spot the conversation that is keeping them stuck, so they fail to hold them.

• Don’t stay focused on what they really want – moving from sharing ideas to trying to win and proving they are right and the other person is wrong.

• Fail to notice that safety is at risk and people are either attacking or withdrawing.

Common process problems people make:

• Don’t know how to make it safe to talk about touchy or controversial topics – they either avoid them or respond too emotionally.

• Become angry, scared, or hurt and demonstrate their poorest rather than their best behavior.

• Care a great deal about a topic or point but use “combat listening” and debate tactics – missing content and using language which makes the situation worse.

Common process problems people make:

• Unsure of what to say or do when others either blow up, or become silent.

• Fail to turn critical conversations into resolution; they don’t clarify what’s going to happen next, how to do it, and who is going to do it.

Suggestion!

• In the short run, just recognizing that your critical conversation isn’t going well can help you see that you need to stop and get back to your best behavior. In the long run, you need to improve the skills that take you from silence and violence and get back to a healthy communication.

Skill #1

Principle Skill Critical question

- Start with Heart - Focus on what you - What am I acting like? really want. - What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship? How would I behave if I really did want this? - What do I not want?

Skill #2

Principle Skill Critical questionLearn to Look - Look for when the - Am I going to silence conversation becomes or violence? critical. - Are others? – Am I missing important “signals?” - Do you continue to fall

back into - Look for safety problems. “old habits” that are making your efforts to communicate

ineffective? - Look for your own Style Under Stress

Anatomy of Understanding

Response Guidelines:– Genuine communication requires that individual’s

seek to understand and to be understood.A. People who seek to understand each other will value

what it takes for genuine communication to occur. This often requires that we:

1. Timing and Place: (e.g. Is this correct time to talk?) “There is an appointed time for everything. A time to be silent, and a time to speak.” 2. Trust for each other: Your actions and remarks that you make during interactions will either drive you apart, or pull you together.

Anatomy of Understanding

3. Listening to understand.

- People feel respected to the degree that they feel

listened to.

• When problems or conflicts arise, it is necessary to understand how most people will react:

a. Silence (e.g. withdraw, isolate)

b. Violence (e.g. anger, aggression, hostility)

Anatomy of Understanding

Things to check:

1. Check your motivation (e.g. What do I hope to accomplish?)

2. Check your attitude (e.g. Is my heart in the right place?).

3. Check the circumstances: (e.g. timing setting, other pressures).

4. Check to see if you’re willing to accept confrontation as well as give it.

Anatomy of Understanding

Keys to remember:1. Approach confrontation with care: A poor listener will manifest habits that stifle

communication and stir misunderstanding:• Pseudo-listening fake interest• Combat listening tunes in only for points of

interest• Tone of voice• Protective listening doesn’t hear any

threatening messages.

Anatomy of Understanding

Focus on: Rather than:One issue Many issues

The problem The person

Specifics Generalizations

Observation of facts Judgment of motive

Mutual understanding Who’s winning or losing

(make sure that you

have created a win-

win solution)

Anatomy of Understanding

• Determine WHAT you want to say• Determine HOW you want to say it• Determine WHEN you want to say it• Determine WHERE is a good place to say it

Tolerance

Appreciate Differences

Follow The Golden Rule “Treat others as you want to be treated”

Melissa Fry, MSW, NSW-CEmail: mfry@milebluff.com

Paul Gasser, M.S./LMFTMarriage & Family Therapist

Email: paulwgasser@yahoo.comWebsite: paulgasser.com