In England Now

1003

In England Now

A Running Commentary by Peripatetic Correspondents

RECENT research into dreams suggests that a little Limburgis a dangerous thing, especially at night, and indicates less

analysis of the dreamer’s psyche and more of his supper-timecheese. This, no matter what the cow says, may well be heavilyspiked with sympatheticomimetic amines, and it is these,rather than the fact that Nanny wore high-heeled boots, whichenmesh dreamers in dubious situations.A spokesman at the Ministry of Health’s new E15 million

Rancidity Research Unit, situated thoughtfully down-windfrom the Elephant and Castle, said he always dug the sympa-theticomimetic amines out with his table-knife and left themon the side of his plate. What beats us (he said) is where thecows get the things, but really there’s no telling what some ofthem will eat. Of course (he added) a cow that has bad dreamsis a worried cow, and it could be that milk-products from aworried cow contain more sympatheticomimetic amines thanthose from a cow with a quiet mind. We asked him what gavecows bad dreams and he said, why obviously the sympatheti-comimetic amines, silly ...He concluded that the day, or rather the night, will soon

come when by introducing into the molecule of Blue Danisha few benzene rings or a spot of Chanel No. 5, dreams will beevoked of a highly delectable nature, blonde, brunette, or red-head, her hips being dextro- or laevo-rotatory according tothe isomer. He was unfortunately just too late in warning usto tread softly, because we were treading on his Camembert...

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You get a new insight into human nature when your home isfor sale. After some experience, I offer this simplified classifica-tion of house-viewers. Rarer types may not have come our way.The slummers come to see how doctors live. They comment

on the squalor, don’t care for the decor, and leave their cards.The purpose of this is to impress the vendor rather than toindicate real interest. After all, it is not every day that you canhave your house inspected by the regional manager of the over-seas branch of the bank, even if he offers only half what youknow it is worth.The snoopers are often ex-patients and are naturally curious

about your house. They have no intention of buying it (some-how this is obvious), but they insist on prying into all fittedcupboards, studying the view from all windows, and discussingthe rooms as if they already occupied them.The social climbers would rather fancy the kudos of moving

into a doctor’s house. The whole family invades it and eachmember lays claim to one or other room. Questions are askedabout neighbours, the distance from the station, and the near-ness of private schools. The entire house is inspected withenthusiasm while the children rampage through the garden,turning the shed into a Wild West stockade. The garage ismeasured, but is found to be too small for the Jag. and therunabout.The serious viewers actually think they might like your house,

but many know on sight that it just won’t do-too staid or toomodern, too this or too that. Some just motor slowly past;some stop down the road, get out, and walk up one side of theroad and down the other; a few walk through the gate beforethey lose courage. Whatever they do, you are never able toidentify them as " the one coming from Messrs. X & Y "

or the aristocratic voice that promised to come round at halfpast four. Others come inside and then plainly find it anembarrassment to be shown round a house whose interior doesnot attract them. The kinder members of this species makestudiedly polite remarks about the delightful kitchen or

irrelevant comments on the weather.At last one (after all, it only needs to be one) decides that

this house fits his requirements. He, of course, is in a class byhimself.

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Last week I witnessed a delightful ceremony which illus-trates the attractive human qualities which permeate our

Civil Service. I was on the 16th floor of the new buildingsof the Ministry of Health, whence, incidentally, there is a

fine view across the changing face of London, and I entereda lift which filled as it descended. At about the 9th floora young lady entered. She had to squeeze in. She was carryinga framed photograph which she held rather like a tray infront of herself. This was necessary because lying on theglass frame was an unframed print. The unframed print wasEnoch Powell, and when I was courteously allowed to moveEnoch I saw the framed print was Derek Walker-Smith.I was, in fact, observing a small facet of the complex routinethat is undertaken when a Ministry changes its Minister: thegallery of ex-Ministers was being brought up to date.

I was impressed with the efficiency of a huge organisation.I was more impressed, however, when I realised that those

standing around me had an affection for their past Ministerwhich seemed more than he could have gained solely by beingtheir master.

We’ve just moved into a new house. Well, not actually new.The newsprint lining the stair cupboard walls is from ModernSociety of Feb. 27, 1892, and includes a large advertisement forthe Carbolic Smoke Ball, which cured whooping-coughpositively at first application, a headache in ten minutes,hay-fever in every case, snoring in one week, and throatdeafness in one to three months. The public was clearlyimpressed. The Hon. Chandos Leigh, counsel to the Speakerof the House of Commons, for instance, stated in January, 1892,that in his own case-and that of his servant-the C.S.B. wasmost efficacious in the cure of a cold. The Bishop of Londonwith more restraint said that it had " benefited him greatly".No wonder you can’t nip in to the chemist’s nowadays and askfor a packet of C.S.B.s-the medical profession would be outof work in no time. But what, can anyone tell me, is throatdeafness ?

In my pay packet this month I was delighted to find apersonal message from the Minister.l It gave information on

contracting out of the graduated pension scheme persons whowere subject to National Health Service (Superannuation)Regulations.The Minister informed me that he was going to apply for a

variation in the Certificate of Non-Participation (no. 7728)issued to him by the Registrar of Non-participating Employ-ments. The effects of this were detailed in twelve paragraphsand eight subparagraphs and para 3 (i) pointed out that amongthose usually contracted out were "... those doctors anddentists who are regarded as employed persons for NationalInsurance purposes ". (My curiosity was aroused by the

mysterious group of doctors and dentists who are non-employedfor National Insurance purposes.)

It was with great relief, after struggling through the remain-ing eight paragraphs, that I read, " Registered medical anddental practitioners are not affected by the proposed variation".

I am looking forward to my next message from the Minister.

I always make the appointment for six months ahead, as Iknow she will return in two. Her multitudinous symptoms are

typical, but after a mild attack of dizziness she returned to theclinic with a new diagnosis: " Do you think I am unbalanced,doctor ?"

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Year by year, as the leaves fall, comes appeals for variousChristmas gifts funds. Last year my aged Aunt Georgina sentfour guineas to one of them, extracting, by various subterfuges,four separate receipts for one guinea. These she sent to personswho might have expected less insubstantial presents (but who,for some reason, had incurred her Severe Displeasure) with acovering letter, and pithy reference to something nasty in theirwood-pile. The deplorable old creature considers herselfentitled to a little fun with her benefactions. This year she’sbumping it up to six. " Oh, si sic omnes " must be the cry ofthe widows and orphans.

1. Leaflet S.D.P. Ministry of Health, October, 1963.