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Tamarah L. Gehlen MA LMFT LADC CCTP
The 4 Goals of Misbehavior
Where did the 4 goals come from?
Rudolph Dreikurs – Book: Children the Challenge, 1968
Helped family workers and parents see purpose behind actions & to work with the issue, rather than against.
What are the 4 Goals of Misbehavior?
Attention Power Revenge Avoidance
EVERY BEHAVIOR HAS A PURPOSE!!!
By using these principles and observing clients from this perspective, we can:
- Better align with them- Reduce resistance- Use our own emotions to gauge the
situation - Help create movement & improve
client awareness
Why are They Important?
The more discouraged an individual is – the
more they act out until they get to
avoidance.
Remember:
By maintaining a positive stance, seeking opportunity to give encouragement, it becomes
easier for us to help clients come back from the stage of
misbehavior that they are in, and find different ways to get their needs met in relationships in
healthy, positive ways.
So, What Can We Take From This?
In being overworked, stressed or dealing with difficult clients ongoing, we can begin to lack the empathy and creativity needed to fully facilitate change with those that we serve. That is why an understanding of encouragement & discouragement is vital – as well as a constant reminder that every behavior has a purpose!
What happens if we lose sight of this?
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CLASHING
…
OR…
Stalled Out….
(in the therapeutic
relationship)
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People become discouraged when their way of interacting
in the world does not produce the same, consistent results, or when they cannot link a cohesive connection
from the world to their personal beliefs.
Discouragement & Mistaken Beliefs:
Where mistaken beliefs come from:
By asking our clients to change, we are
asking them to question what they
know, & make changes in their most deeply held
beliefs –or to change actions that have contributed to
their survival.
What’s in your client’s toolbox?
Do they have a variety of tools?
Do they understand how to use the tools that they have?
Are they willing to learn new tools?
Getting OrganizedHaving some
flexibilityRemembering
that you are your most valuable tool – how are you taking care of yourself?
Having a sense of humor
Having “go-to” activities
THE WORLD IS…WOMEN ARE…MEN ARE…PEOPLE ARE…I AM…
Mistaken Beliefs Are Categorized By:
Private Logic at Work…
ATTENTION
AttentionFirst stage of
misbehaviorSeeks attention &
affirmation of self through actions & words
Can start off as minimal and small issues and increase as need for assurance and insecurity rises
AttentionWhat they Feel
“I count only when I am
being noticed or served.”
How You Feel/React
Annoyed; May want to
remind, or coax them to
change behavior pattern
AttentionHow They Respond
Temporarily stops disturbing action when given attention but soon continues; may begin new behavior to gain attention.
How to Correct
Ignore when possible; give attention in unexpected ways; give attention for positive behavior; never give attention on demand.
EYE contact. Get on the client’s level, listen to the request and answer with focus.
TRUST that they can do it & then teach them this! Watch- as the attention seeking energy is channeled into self-sufficiency.
OFFER ACCEPTANCE. When a kid is being bad to get you to stop what you’re doing, ignore the “bad” and reach out to accept the child in a different context. block out the whining and continuing on, inviting the child to participate outside of the behavior.
INVITE PARTICIPATION.
What are some real-life ways to help get over the attention seeking?
If
Attention
doesn’t
work –
The next
step is
typically
POWER
POWERThe motivating
factor…
I count only when I am dominating, when you do what I want you to do, when I can do whatever I want.
Example of a Power Play…
POWERPower can be done in overt & covert ways.
Think: Classic Power Struggle
When you feel:Provoked, angry or challenged- "l'll make them do it”
How to progress past the power struggleWhen those who seek power don’t get their
way they will:
-Intensifies action when reprimanded
-Want to win/ be boss
- Increase defiance.
How to make change:
- Withdraw from conflict
- Act, rather than talk
- Be friendly Establish equality
- Redirect their efforts into constructive channels.
OFFER TRUST If clients can get opportunities for small amounts of power, the power struggles aren’t necessary to gain empowerment.
PROVIDE CHOICES – give clients choices on what needs to be addressed from pre-selected items YOU want to accomplish. Something even as simple as asking “ What do you most want to talk about today?” Is a great opener.
ACCEPT MISTAKES - It’s so tempting to step in and try to “fix” their lives, but remember - power comes from the ability to be in charge of ones own life- even the mistakes!
Taking Power out of the Therapeutic Relationship
When power fails….
Revenge typically follows …
REVENGE
I can't be liked.
I don't have
power but I'll
count if I can
hurt others as I
feel hurt by life.
RevengeEver find yourself feeling like
"How can he/she do this to me?“ Hurt? Wanting to retaliate, or try to get even?
Then you’ve experienced revenge…
A client who feels slighted , ignored, or unaccepted for who they are as a person –
even if we convey the message unintentionally- will want to find a way to
feel significant
The Purpose Behind Revenge:
CONNECTING with our clients.LISTENING to their likes / dislike.
ACCEPTING who they are as people (even if they are different from us)
ALLOWING for their interpretation of their own world.
Ways to avoid or get out of the revenge trap:
Maintain order with minimum restraint; -avoid retaliation or
punishment. -Take time and effort to help
client. -Build trusting relationship
- Have a good sense of humor!!!
Getting out of the revenge trap
Keep in mind the escalating scale of discouragement…
By truly achieving revenge-type behavior, the client gets to feel significant, powerful and also gets attention.
Every Behavior Has a Purpose!
Remember:
Many get frustrated with this type of client as it may appear that they are trying to actively seek ways to get the therapeutic process off-task.
By simply continuing our relationship with them and encouraging any positives we see – we help them begin to question the mistaken belief.
Things to Consider…
AVOIDANCE
I’ve failed –
you’re going to
fail - so why
even go there?
Avoidance*Also referred to as display of
inadequacy…
Avoidance says:
I can't do anything right
so I won't try to do anything at
all; I am no good
Avoidance can
look like a lot of
different things….
`
Avoidance and clients that are withdrawn have exhausted all other attempts to be noticed and find significance in the world
They are the most difficult to re-engage, and while they appear not as needy as other clients, they are at high risk for suicide, drug & alcohol abuse and other forms of abuse.
ALERT! ALERT!!!
Clients who are in avoidance mode often feel despair, hopeless, discouraged; "I give up" may be their motto.
Be aware that this may not present as depression, they may be disinterested, can be energetic, but automatically “know” that nothing you suggest or try will actually “work” for them.
How to Identify Avoidance:
Connect with them at their level
Accept authentic efforts at success because failing now build character later
Keep their interests in mind and allow for them to make decisions
How to Overcome Avoidance:
Mistaken Beliefs….Mistaken beliefs are
what drive misbehavior.
When clients have negative experiences based on their own negative perception, they get confirmation that they are “less than”
Helping educate clients on the 4 goals and finding ways to encourage them for who they are – NOT what they do is the way to change in the client, and change in the therapeutic relationship.
The 4 Goals of Misbehavior can be used with clients or any other relationship – we can even use them to help ourselves in overcoming some of our mistaken beliefs!
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