Www.nsw.relationships.com.au How to help your client to relinquish the need to be right FRSA...

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

How to help your client to relinquish the need to be right

FRSA Conference 2014

Bill Hewlett Clinical Services Specialist, Post-Separation Practice

Relationships Australia NSW

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

“It is rare to find a child who is able to be still and centered and feel safe in the presence of chaotic adults.”

Winnecotte 1962

Good enough parenting

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Children and wellbeing

“Around 25% of children whose parents separate will experience mental health issues (compared with 12% from

families that never separate).”

Sawyer et al, 2000; Kelly and Emery, 2003; McIntosh, Wells & Long 2007

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Attachment Theory

“What we get exclusively from the family is love, and the capacity to form intimate attachments...

Emotional security does not lead inexorably to good

character or good citizenship, but insecurity interferes with the formation of every social connection…

It increases the chance that we will react to others with

avoidance, fear, anger and hostility.”

Rosenblum, 1995

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

“One of the consequences of poor attachment, is that there seems to be less space or spare mental capacity for accessing emotional and cognitive

information about relationships.” Rudi Dallos

www.storyofneo.com.au

Attachment Theory

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

A child has a relationship with the parent’s relationship.

www.storyofneo.com.au

Attachment Theory

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Neurobiology

“Our focus as children, on our short term survival, has superseded attention to all long term maintenance. This is akin to burning the furniture to

survive a freezing winter.”

Louis Cozolino

“It is important to understand that the brain altered in destructive ways by neglect and trauma can also be altered in reparative, healing ways.”

Bruce Perry

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

It is less painful to remember something happening even if it is terrible, than to remember nothing happening when you needed someone to be with you.

We are all a product of our environment

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

“To the child… traumas are not experienced as events in life, but as life defining.”

Christopher Bollas

Trauma

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

“Unfortunately evolution has not seen fit to invest much neural circuitry into self-awareness.”

Louis Cozolino

www.storyofneo.com.au

Evolutionary theory

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

The Social brain, given the opportunity, is always happy to help resolve a

distressing relational situation, willingly providing data for insight and

reflection.

Cortico-Hippocampal help

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Facilitating the creation of neural pathways

Not enough stress Too much stress

Ideal learning

environment

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Key structures of the brain impacted by trauma

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Top down self calming

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Top down self calming

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Fast and slow circuits

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

‘J’ Curve

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

The ‘J Curve’ Model

Dumb and curious form of enquiry to elicit information of intent, impact and effect on others.

A Attunement

E Engagement and Empathy

I Intent and Impact

O What do others see?

U What else could you do?

www.nsw.relationships.com.au

Contact us

Relationships Australia NSWwww.nsw.relationships.com.au

Australian Institute of Relationship Studies (AIRS) Training and Research Divisionwww.airs.edu.au

The Story of Neowww.storyofneo.com.au

Bill Hewlettbillh@ransw.org.au

© Relationships Australia NSW 2014