Mr. B. Ones, Private Investigator

Mr. B. OnesPrivateInvestigatorDuck, Duck, Goose

Mr. B. Ones had been in the office all morning

The Office

He was working on reports, tying up loose ends, dotting his eyes and crossing his tees, when, there was a knock at the door.

She was attractive, in a skinny kind of way

He asked Mrs. Bennington to hold his calls

“My husband has been murdered she said. I want you to find out who did it.”

“Murdered?” Mr. B. Ones asked with incredulity.

“Yes,” she said. “Beaked in the back.”

“What did the police say?” Mr. B. Ones’ incredulity heightened still

She told the story—”My husband left for work that morning, everything being normal, only to be found at the edge of the pond, dead. The police said there was no evidence of, well, I don’t use the “f” word.

“I see,” said Mr. B. Ones, taking notes.

“Find out who did this,” she said, tossing a manila envelope onto the desk.

From the sound it made upon landing he knew it wasn’t chicken feed.

Mr. B. Ones called his team together.

He used them from time to time on the really tough cases and he had a feeling this would be one of those. “Bucky,” he said, I want you to check out the downtown butcher.

“She wouldn’t say it but I believe she thinks there was fowl play involved.”

“Tooths, I want you to head out to the baseball stadium.”“Baseball?” Tooths said.Mr. B. Ones fixed Tooths with a steely gaze. “Poke around. See what you find. Remember what we’re looking for.”“Foul play?” Tooths said.“Indeed.”

Finally, he turned to Ms. Delaroux.

“Trixie, I want you to head to the theater. You used to be a dancer. Use your connections to see what’s up. And keep your ears open. One of them thespians might know something.”

“What angle you going to be covering,” Bucky asked.Mr. B. Ones shook out a stack of papers. “Coroner’s report. I’ll be checking in with some experts.”

They went their separate ways. Mr. B. Ones checked in with his experts.

Getting a full lab report was the obvious place to start.

Then it was on for a cat scan

The cat scan proved to be a bit problematic. (He owed the cat money) But, in the end he got what he needed.

Mr. B. Ones then took what he knew to one final expert

“Understand that beaks are not my area of expertise,” Two Cans Sam said, “but I think it’s safe to say that your suspicions have a high degree of probability.“Thanks,” Mr. B. Ones said.

“Put it on my bill.”“Funny guy,” Two Cans said.

He had one more place to go. One more connection to make. If anyone knew what might have happened in that part of the pond it would be Mr. Big.

It took only a moment of time, and $100 but Mr. B. Ones now had everything he needed.

He checked with the team, put all the pieces together, had a quick snack and a long bourbon, then called the client and asked her to meet him at a small restaurant in the mid part of the east side of town.

Your husband’s alive,” Mr. B. ones told her.

“What?” now it was her turn to experience incredulity.

We found him on the south end of the east side of the west quarter of downtown. Shacked up with a humming bird. We have pictures.”“Keep ‘em,” she said. “I’m not that kind of girl.”

She paused in thought. “But the body, and the autopsy, and…..”

“Identical twin brother,” Mr. B. Ones said. “Your husband was insanely jealous of his sibling, who played baseball with the semi pro team in town, owned an organic chicken ranch, and was an accomplished actor off Broadway”

“I still don’t understand the connection,” she said

“Your husband seduced his brother’s wife.”“The hummingbird?” she said.“Yes,” Mr. B. Ones said, “Your husband lured his brother to the pond, beaked him in the back, swapped identities, and planned to leave town. But there was one problem.”

“What was that?” she said.“Your husband’s brother was in debt. He borrowed 50 g’s from the Big Buffalo Gang. We found the note. It was due today. The gang no doubt already has your husband, thinking he’s his brother. It’s not going to end well.

“It’s going to end well for me,” She said. “He had a hefty insurance policy.”

Mr. B. Ones returned to the office to write up his report and wondered

who or what might wander in next.

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