Spider Jerusalem's Completely Hypothetical Bachelor Challenge, Day 3

It's Day 3 of the Totally Theoretical Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!

Five SimSelf ladies are left in the Bachelor Challenge house vying for the affections of one short-tempered Legacy spare-spawn!

They should survive, as long as they don't mention Gilbert Jacquet, cow mascots, Eeevil, Gilbert Jacquet, burglars, sloppiness, or Gilbert Jacquet.

Still in the lead at the end of Day 2 were Kendra (riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271; the Punk Legacy), who's continuing to dominate, as the only contestant to be friends with the bachelor, let alone share a Double-Crush, and Kaiyah (Kaiyah/Kaiyah2; Legacy Shmegacy), sitting comfortably in second place.

In the middle of the pack are De (fireflower314/fireflowersims@livejournal.com; the Morgan and Pierce Legacies), who managed a monster 55-point gain over her Day 1 score, and Styx (StyxLady/lorddaeos; Just Another Legacy), who also stepped it up to put herself in the game.

Bad Chats and a rejected flirt doomed Michelle (MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs; the Planetary Apocalypse) and Gin (GintasticNecat; The Science of a Legacy), putting them in the bottom two. Gin narrowly squeaked out a win, sending Michelle out of the house and making a good performance on Day 3 imperative for her seeing Day 4.

The Bachelor: Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, Reaper child son of Gen 2 Uglacy spare Cypress. Introverted and lonely back in the currently-being-replayed-through-part-of-Gen-4 Riverblossom Hills, he's a mean finger-gunner surrounded by SimSelves here in Pleasantview.

If you want more Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy on DrSupremeNerd's SimPage.

Following her ouster, Michelle decided to take out her hostility on an extremely deserving Mr. Big, who'd recently experienced a Grilled Cheese Aspiration failure.

As for Day 1 eliminee Orikes (Orikes/orikes360; the Pseudo Legacy), she's...

...erm...

She's walking around the observation post in her undies with a WooHoo thought bubble, apparently.

Larch has been a busy boy.

"So whaddaya say? You, me, childrinions?"

Yup. Underwear proposal. That's classy-with-a-'k', Larch.

"Squee! Childrinions! In the plural!"

And we've already got a headstart on them!

Aaaaawwwwwwwww

So cute.

Who cares about people and engagement rings and babies? Kitty requires tummy rubs!

"Yup, we're getting into Day 3 of the BC! And there's one question on everyone's mind!"

Me: SimNerd, SimSelf of DrSupremeNerd, creator of the Vetinari Dualegacy, available on DrSupremeNerd's SimPage and the Boolprop.com forums.

"Oh yes, I'm quite curious to know if Gin can pull off an upset like the one De managed on Day 2! That would make for a truly exciting challenge!"

Di: Dicreasy, writer of the Victorian Legacy.

Larch: "Your optimism baffles me."Cassidy: "Don't pay attention to him; he doesn't understand nice points."Larch: "What? They're overrated!"Cassidy: "Sometimes it's nice to be nice."Larch: "Meh."

Larch Vetinari: Gen 2 Uglacy heir; Family Sim and Eeevil mastermind.Cassidy Vetinari: gay half-alien son of Gen 2 Uglacy spare Cypress; Larch's nephew and Spider Jerusalem's older half-brother.

Stacilee: "You seem to be rocking the pajamas today, Cass."Cassidy: "Aspiration points for jammies! Yaaay!"Stacilee: "You really are a Pleasure Sim, aren't you?"Cassidy: "Yup!"

Stacilee: stacilee/stacierearden, writer of the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.

Stacilee: "So what's on the docket for today?"SimNerd: "The usual Day 3 Bachelor Challenge stuff: hot tubbing, chess dates, more flirting."Stacilee: "Chess dates? With Spider Jerusalem and his one nice point? That ought to be interesting."SimNerd: "Tell me about it. The only question will be how many times he gets caught cheating."

Cassidy: "If the contestants want to stick around, shouldn't they hope they don't catch him? Those double-minuses will add up quick."Larch: "What's wrong with chess cheating? I mean, if they're dumb enough to fall for it..."

"Before we head to the Bachelor Challenge house, I just have one teensy question."

Di: "Whom, exactly, is he talking to?"

Larch: "I think he's cracked."Di: "This does seem a bit odd."Spider: "I don't see what's so great about Don the Zombie's chili anyway."

Stacilee: "This does not bode well, does it?"SimNerd: "Well, he hasn't gained a skill point in a while, and I think it's getting to him. Don't worry, he's not the only one!"Stacilee: "Oooh, fun!"

Time to head out and watch Spider Jerusalem not talking to walls!

Kendra: "Isn't it great being in the top two?"Kaiyah: "Yup! The view's pretty nice from up here!"Kendra: "Have I mentioned the Crush?"Kaiyah: "Oh, for crying out loud, not you too."Kendra: "Hey, unlike Gin, mine's in THIS reality. And reciprocated for longer than the span of a poking and a rejected Caress."

De: "Congratulations on sucking slightly less than Michelle, Gin."Gin: "That was quite the left-handed compliment, but I'll take it."De: "I can afford to be nice to you now; I'm guessing you'll be going home at noon tomorrow."Gin: "I wouldn't be too sure of that. After all, a three-bolt chemistry has to count for something."De: "Less than you think, since Spider Jerusalem only has two for Kendra, and she's in the lead."

"So... Handcuffs?"

"Sorry, that's not really my thing. Would you like to bring up oil, perhaps?"

"Shoo flee?"

"Family Sim hasn't had babies in ever. Family Sim needs babies. Babies babies babies."

De, this isn't an Asylum! It's been just over two days and I haven't fulfilled any of your Fears, how did your Aspiration meter get so low?

"Baaaayyyyybbbbeeeeeeeeezzzz..."

You know, if you were a Vetinari, you wouldn't be in the red right now. They all have high neatness, and they'd already have 2 or 3 Cleaning points from all the toilet-scrubbing I've been making you do when Spider's otherwise occupied. Of course, at this juncture, gaining a Cleaning point would only make you slightly less red.

Don't worry, I'll bust out the Sim Modder and fix it before you bust out Flour Sack Timmy.

Styx is also Family, and you don't see HER complaining!

Kaiyah: "Congratulations on being hot!"Spider: "Thanks! I work out."Kendra and Styx: "I wanted to congratulate him on being hot!"

He's never gonna get into the hot tub if they don't stop congratulating him on his hotness!

De, Gin, and Kaiyah make it into Spider Jerusalem's hot tub.

Kaiyah: "KISSING!"Gin: "Way to go straight for the kill, Kaiyah."

"Well, I get kissing no matter what."

"Will you be around for the kissing, De?"

"Well, I hope so, considering my Family Sim Aspiration tankage."

"What about you, Gin? Will you be around for the kissing?"

"Have some scalding hot water to the face, De!"

Kendra: "Kissing?"Styx: "I am not having this conversation with you. Not even a little bit."

"I hear tennis rackets are almost as good as rusty forks for causing pain to small round objects!"

Gin: "It's nice to see you branching out from the rusty fork."De: OMG Aspiration points! I am no longer in danger of cuddling Flour Sack Timmy! Yay!

Kaiyah: "Yeah, so I'd totally jab a rusty fork into Mr. Big Jerk's fried eggs."Spider: "Uh... That's a baseball."Kaiyah: "IT'S A EUPHEMISM, FRAMMIT!"

"So, what do you think about jewelry? And other accessories? Perhaps pretty dresses and cute pants?"

"Icky. NOT a fan."

No real surprise that the naked hot-tubber hates clothes.

Spider: "So I think I should learn Mantis style Kung Fu in case I meet Gilbert again."Gin: "Oh, me too! That sounds like a great idea!"De: "Suckup."

"So what's your take on the state of our prisons?"

Oh yes. The rest of the hot tub looks THRILLED at the prospect of this conversation.

"Gin, it's going to take a framming miracle for you to see tomorrow in this house."

"Call me Houdini then, because I'll be escaping elimination!"

Gin: "I installed Free Time, and my shrews love the violin!"De: "Nobody cares."

Spider: "Yeah, too bad the Supreme Nerd's graphics card can't handle Free Time, because she was sort of looking forward to being able to get Cory abducted more easily. No violins, toddler play tables, or koi ponds for the Vetinaris! And all abductions the hard way!"

Yes, sadly, he speaks the truth. Ah well, who knows, maybe Cory will get abducted when I re-play his teen years over again.

Spider: "Kissing?"Kaiyah: "Yaaaaay!"

Kendra: "Kissing?"Styx: "NO."

Time for some chess dates, I think.

I decide to start the chess dates off with Gin. And because Spider Jerusalem is a Vetinari, I also decided to keep track of how many times he attempted to cheat, and how many times he actually succeeded. And how many times his opponents tried to cheat him (none--curse you SimSelves and all your nice points!).

Yes, Spider is cheating Gin before the first piece has even been played."Look, a shrew!"

Gin: "You're not trying to cheat, are you?"Spider: "Nope! I always play by the rules!"

"Yeah, right."

"Have you seen this season's new Jimmy Choos?"

"Meh. Steel-toed work boots are way better for kicking Gilbert's ass."

Er, Gin? I think I've found your problem. You and Spider have virtually NO topics of conversation in common. This does not bode so well.

Total: One cheat, and she didn't catch him.

Kendra: "There is nothing quite as wonderful as money!"Spider: "There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash!"

"Look, it's Sid Vicious!"

Kendra: "You expect me to fall for such an obvious ploy?"Spider: "Well, I had to try, didn't I?"

Spider: "Er... Some people say it's folly but I'd rather have the lolly, with money you can ma-ake a splash!"Kendra: "We are not amused."

Total: Two cheats, and she caught him both times.

...and bonus props if you're now humming "The Money Song."

"I find games quite fun. All kinds of games, really."

"I agree; they are an amusing diversion. But not quite as amusing as, say, babies."

"OMG, BABY!"

De just gained a skill point, she's not getting an Aspiration boost from Spider cheating at chess, in case anyone wondered.

De: "That was a dirty trick, Spider Jerusalem!"Spider: "Should I have said, 'TWINS!'?"

Total: He tried cheating once, and she caught him.

"Remember the sexy lamp?"

"Grab your rusty fork, it's Mr. Big!"

"Er... sexy violin?"

"Violins are not as sexy as lamps."

Total: He cheated twice, without her catching him.

"Kissing?"

"I would like to become a fan."

Styx: "Kaiyah! Doubleyoo tee eff? I'm trying to catch Spider Jerusalem cheating here!"Kaiyah: "I know, I just wanna hang around and watch and get in the way of the pictures."Kaiyah, GO AWAY!

She actually did this three times. Kaiyah was hungry and had to pee, but she wanted to stalk Spider Jerusalem more than she wanted to take care of her own needs.

"Look, kissing!"

Styx: "This is so much easier without Kaiyah here!"Spider: "What do you want from me? I have one nice point!"

Total: She caught him cheating twice, and he got away with it once.

On to the Flirts! Which will now be taking place in Spider Jerusalem's locked bedroom. I'm definitely not going for Caress or Goose today; Sweet Talk and Hold Hands will be my Flirts of choice, provided they're available.

Spider: "I think you could totally take Chrissy Hynde in a Jell-O wrestling match."Kendra: "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Yeah, like Kendra was going to refuse this! Spider Jerusalem probably could have gotten away with something a little grope-ier here, but I'd rather keep the playing field as level as possible.

Not too surprisingly, there's no Hold Hands available for Gin, but she does accept the Charm she refused yesterday.

"Spider Jerusalem wants groping!"

Gin accepts a Sweet Talk as well, but at this point, it won't save her.

"WANT TO GROPE."

Spider: "You know, I think it's sweet the way you always bring up kissing."Styx: "Well, maybe I'll stick around long enough to do some."

BAM! Double-Crush!

And they throw me the hearts at the same time, unlike SOME people I won't name, KENDRA!

So it's no surprise that Styx accepts the Hold Hands.

Tomorrow I'm going to have to go for the riskier Flirts!

"Why I no can has gropey time?"

Spider: "There's nothing hotter than a girl who gets Aspiration points when I cheat at chess."De: "I won't tell him if you won't!"

BAM! Double-Crush!

Again, Simul-hearts, KENDRA!

Le yawn, no real shock here.

"GROPE NAO?"NO!

Spider: "Your willingness to stab your enemies in the fried eggs with a rusty fork is appealing."Kaiyah: "Well, it doesn't have to be an enemy really. There's no sense in being picky when you have a good rusty fork."

BAM! Double-crush!

AHEM, KENDRA!

Blah blah blah Hold Hands yay.

There's just enough time for Kaiyah to grab a plate of gelatin before noon!

As a complete surprise to absolutely no one, Kaiyah, Kendra, Styx, and De are in the top four. They're all friends with Spider Jerusalem, are all operating under Double-Crush, and have at least two bolts.

Kaiyah (136): "Yeah, like he'd ask his Rusty Fork Sensei to leave!"Kendra (135): "Hey, I'm only down by one point, and I didn't even make it into the hot tub!"Styx (124): "Not heart-farting De for 24 hours and counting!"De (123): "Woooo! One step closer to Spider Jerusalem babies!"

Gin? Sorry, hun. Time to say goodbye.

"Oh, I'm so ashamed! What will Riverblossom Hills-me think?"I dunno, she'll probably be glad she and Legacy-Spider Jerusalem have things to talk about!

Yeah, with so few topics of conversation that she and our bachelor agreed on, there was no chance for her to catch up with the others. So Gin is our Day 3 eliminee with a score of, uh... 54. As in, less than half of the scores of the others. Ouch.

Styx: "Congratulations on being hot, De! ...Frammit..."De: "It's okay to fall off the wagon, sweetie, as long as you get back on."

Spider: "Congratulations on being hot, De!"Gin: "Please let the humiliation stop."

Spider: "De is still a hottie!"Styx: "Shoo flee? I'm tired!"

Kendra: "Shoo flee? I'm tired!"De: "I'm tired! I think I'll go take a shower!"Kaiyah: STALKING

Kaiyah: "Congratulations on being hot!"Spider: "I am pretty hot, aren't I?"Styx: "Bed nooooowwww?"

Kaiyah: "Shoo flee? I'm tired and Spider is hot!"

Spider: "Shoo flee? I'm tired!"Kaiyah: "Spider is still hot."

Spider and Kaiyah: "BED NOW."

This completely pointless slide has been brought to you by "Shoo flee?" WHINE I NEED SLEEP.

We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.

"Oh, come on, Gin! You couldn't do better than that? I mean, you never even brought up kissing, for pete's sake!"

"Larch? If you don't stop being mean to my SimSelves, I'm going to tell your fiancee just who you spend your days heart-farting."

Cassidy: "Oh, snap!"Larch: "Sorry. I'll be good. Just don't rat me out, please."

"Oh, I don't know, I suppose I deserve it. Kissing was pretty much the only subject that wasn't a complete minefield for the two of us, and I never managed to bring it up! I should have followed Kaiyah and Styx's lead."

"Well, you are still the only one who's had a mutual crush on him in the neighborhood that matters, right?"

"Sure--except that it's un-happening!"

"Well, there's at least some photographic proof of it. Even if Gilbert did turn right around and ruin the whole thing with the poking."

SimNerd: "Gilbert's not spoiling anything here! Gin, I've set you up with a house and a consolation prize, so go ahead and enjoy!"Stacilee: "Do we get to watch Jerky Jake get tortured again?"SimNerd: "Hehehe. Not exactly."

"Er... Cass? Why don't you hit up the Dance Sphere upstairs?"

Cass: "Sure! I love Aspiration points!"Larch: "If he's getting Aspiration points, how come I don't get a wedding now?"A few more days. Promise.

"Why are we getting rid of Cassidy?"

SimNerd: "I don't want him to ask any difficult questions."Stacilee: "Like what?"SimNerd: "Like, say, 'Why is Dad in that pen with all those flame jets?' "Stacilee: "That's rather specific."SimNerd: "Isn't it?"

"I am CYPRESS VETINARI! I am Eeevil! This is intolerable, and you will let me out of here NOW!"

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning..."

*boop*

*fwoosh*

"That's what you get for being horrible to Cassidy! And Spider Jerusalem! And Delirium! And Jane! And for siccing your skanky psycho girlfriend on Spider Jerusalem! And anything else I may have forgotten!"

"Er... I appear to be on fire..."

"And I didn't even chip a nail!"

"But... Eeevil..."

"It's no Spider Jerusalem WooHoo, but it's still satisfying!"

"Can we watch that again? Can we can we can we huh huh huh?"

"Geez, Larch, this is like watching Evil Dead 2 with my mother. 'Hahaha--Bruce Campbell is fighting his own right hand! Rewind it! I wanna watch that again! Rewind it! Rewind it! Rewind it again! More rewind!' Look, I know it never stops being awesome, but I'd like this chapter to actually upload, mmmkay?"

OK, so I always rewind it at least a couple of times for my mom...

Something the Vetinari Dualegacy has yet to see--Cypress's tombstone! And smoking pile of ashes.

"Next time, Day 4! More hot tub dates, more flirts, and with all the Crushing, more chance that somebody's going to set off a chain reaction of slapping!

"Will Kaiyah maintain her slim lead over Kendra? Will Styx and De further narrow the gap between themselves and the frontrunners? Will the grope-ier Flirts lead to rejections and shifts in the standings? It's anyone's game as my Bachelor Challenge continues!

"Wait, I get to grope tomorrow? AWESOME!"

SimNerd: "Waaaagh! Personal bubble!"Spider: "Can't I hug my creator?"SimNerd: "Nnnnnnnoooooooo."