How families can help

How Families Can Help Recovery

Irene Cauwels Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor

National Certified Counselor

How will you know when person is on the “Right Track?”

•  He/She demonstrates both accountability and responsibility

• As a family member, count on changed behavior instead of promises

Healthy Families

• Communicate and Listen • Affirm and Support • Shared Trust and Values • Expectations are Clear and Discussed • All members are Accountable/Responsible • Have Shared Responsibilities • Understanding of where my behavior/feelings start and yours end. • Teach understanding of how behavior affects others

Healthy Families

•  Admit to and seek help with problems •  Play and share appropriate humor •  Shared table time, leisure activities •  Teach understanding of how behavior

affects others •  Have Traditions, Rituals •  Have community connections, both

individually and collectively

Unhealthy Families Have Rules

• Do as I say, not as I do

• Children are to be seen and not heard

• Express only happy, positive feelings

• Do what “looks good” even if dishonest

• Never question behavior, go along with it

• Conform to our expectations

• Ignore what you don’t like and it will go away

• Your needs are not as important as our needs

Unhealthy Family Rules • Rigidity – Control, Perfectionism

• Silence – Don’t talk, don’t cause a fight

• Isolation – Can’t say anything so I separate; Can’t connect because I’m pretending

• Denial – deny 5 freedoms: Perceive, Think and Interpret; Feel, Want and Choose; Imagine

Addiction is a Brain Disease - from NIDA.NIH.GOVIn other words, it’s pretty difficult to choose appropriate behavior when the brain is not functioning!

Addiction is a Brain Disease – from NIDA.NIH.GOV This image demonstrates something really amazing - how just the mention of items associated with drug use may cause an addict to crave or desire drugs.

Addiction is a Chronic Progressive Disease that

needs all four areas addressed:

• Biological (abstinence, healthy nutrition, relapse prevention medication

• Psychological (new skills to manage moods, stress, old habits, triggers)

• Social (new connections focused on healthy activities, community, interests, social support

• Spiritual (addressing the emptiness)

The Person with addiction: • Is a bundle of unresolved feelings • Often unaware of feelings or how to manage • Blames others for challenges • Denial, Defensive, Angry on surface – shame, lonely, isolated, fear due to loss of control underneath • Resists change, Self-Centered, Compulsive • Becomes the center of attention because family is focusing on keeping person safe, learning to say “no” to person

The Person with Addiction: • Becomes the center of attention because family is focusing on keeping person safe, learning to say “no” to person

• Can’t tolerate feelings so can’t tolerate others’ feelings

• Denies but knows he/she is source of family shame, arguments

• Loses control over life but gains control over family

• Family learns to plan life around IP

The person with addiction often says: “I have a hole in my soul”

• “I have an illness with origins in the brain... but I also suffered with the other component of this illness. I was born what I like to call a hole in my soul... a pain that came from the reality that I just wasn‘t’t good enough. That I wasn’t deserving enough. That you weren’t paying attention to me all the time. That maybe you didn’t like me enough. For us addicts, recovery is more than just taking a pill... Recovery is also about the spirit, about dealing with that hole in the soul.” • William C. Moyers, a recovery addict (son of journalist Bill Moyers)

To make up for the Chaos, a loving family member may

become an enabler • Usually emotionally closest Family Peacekeeper • Feels job is to protect Patient so makes excuses, takes over responsibilities and rescues IP from negative consequences • Initially out of love/loyalty then from shame • Often appears capable and strong to outsiders • Feels powerless, helpless; low self-esteem

What Real Families Need To Be Healthy:

1.  Legitimate source of authority 2.  Stable rule system 3.  Nurturing Behaviors 4.  Effective childrearing and marriage-

focusing behaviors 5.  Set of Goals (both family-wide and

individual) 6.  Flexibility and adaptability to cope

How will you know when person is on the “Right Track?”

• Honesty

• Accountability and Responsibility!

• Behavior instead of Promises

Commitments to Family Should Be: 1. Abstinence from ALL

addictive, mood-altering substances

2. Daily behavior changes 3. Learn to tolerate discomfort 4. Develop effective

communication skills and problem solving

5. Develop relapse prevention skills and share with family

How Family members can be healthy 1. Recognize there is a

problem 2. Know that YOU will also

have to change 3. Remember ALL Change is

uncomfortable - families often get ANGRIER as patient gets HEALTHIER

How YOU can be healthy 1.  Practice setting

Boundaries 2. NO MORE SHAME 3. Be willing to focus on

PRESENT behaviors not the past

4. Communicate - including positive changes you see

How YOU can be healthy • No one should attempt to navigate this journey alone . . • Learn self-care • Seek support from professionals • Attend 12-step for yourself • Attend Family Nights to learn more about managing this disease

What else can YOU do to be healthy • There are many different 12-step supports for families: • 12-step attendees are all volunteers; not the same as professional support • Alanon

• Open 12-step meetings

• Families Anonymous