AssertivenessChamaru De Alwis

Content

Define Assertiveness

Identify different behavior patterns Passive behaviour

Aggressive behaviour

Assertive behaviour

Assertive human rights

Art of Assertive behaviour

What is Assertiveness

An honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

What Assertiveness Is Respect for yourself and others.

Honestly expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Effectively influencing, listening, and negotiating with others

Passive behaviour

Person, who behaves in a passive, manner can't say his wishes and demands.This person is just as helpless to requirements of others. This person locks certainty in his behaviour and he worries, that he isn't able to assert himself adequately. He doesn't resist manipulative tricks. Should there only be a pinch of criticism in the speech of the other side and instead of sticking to his opinion, he begins apologize, explain, make excuses.

A Passive Person

Passive people usually: Speak softly and hesitantly.

Use fillers like “uh” and “um.”

Avoid eye contact.

Allow other people in their personal space.

Aggressive behaviourPerson, who behaves aggressively, asserts himself at the expense of others, overlooks their rights and competent requirements, puts down the self-confidence of other people.Sometimes an aggressive person comes into his own, but people are reserved to him and they have negative relationship with an aggressive person.Aggression isn't only a physical attack or strong, loud words. Sarcasm and irony have an aggressive impact, too. Sometimes quiet or even lovely speech, which isn't appropriate in a conversation puts down other person.

Aggressive behaviour

Infringes on others’ rights, using fear and intimidation to get what he or she wants.Aggressive people often

• Raise their voices when they lose control.• Shout and use harsh language like “You should” and “You must.”

• Stare people down and may invade other people’s personal space physically.

Differences and Agreements between Aggressive and passive behaviour

Common features : the counterpart is always considered as an enemy who only wants to harm.

• So it's necessary to pay attention to aggressive or passive people, not express what they think, what they feel, give others only chosen information.

Difference: Aggressive person attacks preventively Passive person is afraid of asserting his requirements against bad people.

Assertive behaviour

Person, who behaves assertive is manner can say what he wants, how he can see the situation, what he thinks about the situation and how he feels about the situation.

He has positive behaviour to other people and adequate self-confidence. He knows that his requirements are rightful and performable and the counterpart wants to resolve positive the situation.He can listen to others and he is able to give and take He is able to change his opinion under pressure of arguments.

Assertive behaviour

Assertive behaviour is calm, the person seems to be relaxed.His linguistic as well as extra-linguistic expressions are without any tension and mental stress. The speech is adequately loud, intelligible the pace of speech is even. The eye contact is „direct“.

Assertive human rights cont…

I have the right to act in a manner that promotes my dignity and self-respect, as long as I do not violate the rights of others with my behavior.

I have the right to be treated with respect.

I have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty.

Assertive human rights cont…

I have the right to feel and express my feelings.

I have the right to take the necessary time to calm down and think.

I have the right to change my mind.

I have the right to ask for whatever I wish.

Assertive human rights cont…

I have the right to do less than what I could if I were using all my reserves.

I have the right to ask for information.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the right to feel good about myself.

Assertive human rights cont…

I have got the right to judge our behaviour, thoughts and emotions myselflves, and be responsible for such behaviour as well as for its consequences.I have a right not to offer any excuses and apologies to justify my behaviour.I‘ve got the right to judge by myself if and to what extent I am responsible for problemsof other people.I‘ve got the right to change my opinion.I‘ve got the right to make mistakes andto be responsible for them.

Assertive human rights cont…

I‘ve got the right to be independent on goodwill of others.I‘ve got the right to say „I don‘t know“.I‘ve got the right to make ilogical decision.I‘ve got the right to say „I don‘t understand you“.. I‘ve got right to say „I don‘t mind care“.

Art of Assertive behaviour

1 Scratchy diskOne of the techniques of assertiveness – how we demand things which belong to us.We can use this technique whenever we want to enforce a competent requirement.

But we must have the inalienable right, preferably when our rights are defined formally by the law or by other rules.

The principle of the scratched disc technique is that we define and convey our requirement clearly and unequivocally.

Scratchy disk cont…..No matter what the antagonist says, we keep repeating our requirement. But we agree with everything that is either common truth or at least probable. No matter what factual rubbish the antagonists claims, we say „you are right, it could be.“ We only insist on our requirement. We agree to everything that is secondary at this moment, and only in this „little thing“ which is our requirement we still sit tight.

Scratchy disk cont…..When we assert our requirement, we behave as someone who knows that the right is on his side. We consider antagonist to be decent and sophisticated person. This person does not have other motivation than that he must set things in order.We are calm, relaxed, because would we be afraid, when there is nothing going on. The effect is determined in advance. It is determined by the factual state of affairs.When we gain our point, we do not tell individual concerned „why did it have to take you so long…“ but politely we express our thanks.

2. Art of refuseSay „no“ without feelings of quilt.If we cannot say „no“, people push us where they want to have us. Then we will do things, that we don't want to do, and we will not do things that we want to do.The technique of refusal is the mirror image of the enforcement of competent requirements. We again claim our „no thank you, I don't want.“ We

don't explain our reasonswe don't apologizewe don't behave uncertainly and anxiously.

We say „no“ without the impression that we have any feelings of guilt.

Art of refuse cont…

If we say „no“ we can choose eitherway simple assertiveness, means to insist on one's opinion without any explanation, or

empathic assertiveness.- we can show that we understand our partner and open ourselves enough to let somebody know our right reasons why we want or don't want this or the other.

3. The art of asking for favour.The base is the opinion, that a man shouldn't wait until his wish is read from his eyes. The man should be able to ask.We define our wish clearly and intelligibly. Intonation has to correspond to a desire, not to command or reproach. If we are satisfied, we say thanks and show our pleasure. If we are not satisfied, we take it well and we can be pleased that we have tried it at least. We count with negative answer in advance.

4. Acceptable compromise Master-hood of assertivenessOne of the main purpose of assertiveness training is the achievement of consent, when both sides gain „their“ values. Especially in contact with people, who aren't indifferent to us, it is better to talk to the bilateral satisfaction, rather than have it our way.Both sides are right in most of the situations. Man should be able to listen to others and respect their legitimate requirements.

4. Acceptable compromise cont..

Sometimes our counterpart makes up the third and more profitable solution for both sides.

If it isn't the principal thing or if during the interview we accept a part of our counterpart's true, we can agree to a proposal of compromise.

We try to solute the problem, not to defeat anybody else and to have our way at any price.

5 How to manage criticismCriticism is considered to be the most effective manipulator. You can manipulate other people in the best way, if you make them feel guilty. Criticism is experienced subjectively, often as aggression. Especially in case when the critic doesn't point out our errors or mistakes to set things right, but only for himself to feel better. When one doesn't feel good, one makes aggressive acts to feel better. Someone breaks things in fury, other criticizes.Assertive attitudes differentiate fair or unfair comment at first.

6 Reaction to a fair commentAssertive man agrees with a fair comment, doesn't analyze things and tries to make things right.Assertive reaction therefore is the following:

We agree with criticism.We apologize shortly.We suggest and realize an improvement as soon as possible. It expects we close the discussion about the problem of our sin as fast as possible and start to work on the improvement.

Reaction to an unfair commentThere is nobody in the world, who cannot be criticized for something, because we have a different opinion on the same thing.The best reaction to an unfair comment is the „open-door“ technique.The term of „open-door“ technique is a symbolic expression for situation, when the critic takes a run to kick out locked door with the use of his strength. When he comes to the door, he goes through, because the door is open against his expectations.

„Open-door“ techniqueThe first step is the effort to separate the fact and the critic's subjective opinion in his message. The critic's subjective opinion is often his moral classification of the fact. Then we agree with every true or probability. We don't replay to the classification and different suggestions of our wickedness.We stick to the true description of our behaviour and express our agreement with it.

We defend neither with an attack (aggressively) nor with an escape (passively).

Then we ask and find out what is wrong with our behaviour.

Sometimes we are successful to request our partner to tell us what he wants indeed.

To stay calm is very important. It should silence the critic sooner or later.

7 Asking for the negativesIt concerns the evolution of the „open-door“ technique.We can learn more about ourselves by asking for the negatives and we can find the right reason of the partner's criticism.We use the situation and try to turn a conversation into a constructive talk, because it can become a destructive fight.The aim is to open the critic's mouth. With this technique we try to get the negative feelings from our partner, and compel him to a real and constructive dialog, because he is important for us and we like him.

Joan is at a meeting where the topic is the profitability of the project she’s been working on for three months straight. She has not said a word in the past hour. Suddenly she jumps up and accuses the boss of deliberately canceling the project based on personal dislike.

Judy’s boss asks her to go on an important business trip which will carry over into the weekend of her sister’s wedding. Judy feels she can’t refuse her boss and plans on sending her spouse to the wedding in her place.

George is next in line to buy tickets in a crowded movie theatre lobby. Just as his turn comes up, a man cuts in front of him and requests tickets. George meekly steps back to allow the man room and hopes he gets waited on next.

Do you think that these were appropriate and effective ways to handle the situations?

The copier has been broken for two days. Sam asked the secretary to call in for repairs several times with no effect. He says nothing and ends up calling it in himself. After all, he thinks, she’s probably too busy typing up that memo he gave her this morning.