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NURTURING YOUR
RELATIONSHIP: Lessons for
Farm Families
By Michelle Wolf @ ACORN Conference 2016
Some Ideas for Today • At-home resources and workbook • Gardening as a great metaphor for relationships • An analogy from farmers’ market management • Love languages • 100/0 Principle • What builds the habits and rituals that make for
successful relationships • Shared farm values – what needs to be said • ‘Bids for closeness’ and other relationship skills • Difficult conversations • Photo quotes woven throughout
At-Home Resources
• Provide email and I’ll send:
– Copy of today’s presentation slides
– Copy of “Relationship Power Questions” workbook
– List of resources I am referencing today
– E-book from Shambala Sun
• Please also check the box (√ ) to be on my email list if you wish to be
Gardening Analogy • Gardening is such a great analogy for how we build
successful relationships: o Getting our hands dirty in order to reap rewards later
o Plant seeds, tend the soil, await the harvest
o Build your soil, build your foundation, success is about a healthy foundation
o Rootedness, getting dirty, planting, weed out what doesn’t serve you, watch it all blossom from your hard work and devotion
o Getting into the dirt and doing the hard work that will reap rewards later, etc.
o No shit, no flowers
Farmers’ Market Management
• Way of thinking about vendors: 1. Vendor recruitment
2. Vendor welcoming/orienting
3. Vendor retention
• Basically, now do we get, support, and keep great vendors for our farmers’ markets
• Can also be a useful metaphor for the stages of a relationship
The 5 Love Languages 1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Acts of Service
4. Receiving Gifts
5. Physical Touch
• Discover your own love language
• Discover your partner’s love language
• Key Lesson: Learn to speak your partner’s love language to them!
The 100/0 Principle
• You take full responsibility for the relationship (the 100), expecting nothing in return (the 0).
• Most of us are familiar with 50/50: I’ll do my 50%, you agree to do your 50%, and we’ll have 100%, a great relationship.
• Or 100/100, where we’ll each give 100%. In both cases, we rely on someone else to fulfill part of our equation, and breakdowns in relationship and blaming can ensue
The 100/0 Principle
• The 100/0 Principle asks that you take full responsibility for a relationship and expect nothing in return
• It asks us to give more and expect less
• Instead of looking for others to meet our needs, we take responsibility for making relationships work
• This principle is all or nothing, and the “all” is on your part
• Great for entrepreneurs to understand this too
The 100/0 Principle
• Here’s the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved and their families.
People Change
• “People change. Plan on it. Don’t marry someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Marry them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours.” - Dr. Kelly Flanagan
People Don’t Change
• “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is right here and now.” – Fred Rogers
• Trying to change someone never ends well
• The only thing that ever reliably leads to change is an acceptance of not changing
Bids For Closeness • Work of Dr. John Gottman • Happy marriages are marked by the ability to
make and accept bids for emotional closeness • Pay attention to them, respond positively • 6-year study of newly-weds
– Couples who stayed together paid attention to their partners’ bids for affection 86% of the time
– Couples who divorced only responded 33% of the time – The secret? Turning towards the bids your partner makes
• Long-term relationships are not an accident, they happen by design by couples who pay attention and create connection
Mindful Micro-Moments • Work of Barbara Fredrickson, researcher
and author
• “Love is a micro-moment of connection shared with another.”
• A partnership is its own entity, almost like a person, and it needs attention and nourishment in the same way that your mind and body do
3 Skills • According to the body of research that
investigates the actual causes of relationship successes, happy couples show 3 skills:
1. Great friends – they truly like and are interested in each other
2. Whether they clash frequently or rarely, loudly or quietly, they manage their conflict effectively
3. Shared a sense of meaning in their life together
Shared Meaning • Shared meaning comes from the rituals and habits
of everyday life together
• These create a shared sense of closeness and identity, an oasis of “we” in the desert of “so much to do”
• Intimacy can’t be cooked up all at once. It builds and grows from many little actions and habits that show we care
• Daily rituals: sending a lunchtime text, tucking a note into a lunch tote or work bag, hot shower together on Sunday mornings, “spoon and attune”
Building Habits and Rituals
Q: What habits or rituals do my partner and I engage in that help me feel like a “we”?
Q: What habits or rituals would I like to develop together as a couple? (pick 3)
• This is about commitment and finding the time
• This is about being mindful and making your relationship habits ‘top of mind’ but also seamless and automatic
Daily Practises
• Taking time to connect (and listen)
• Talking about non-farm topics
• Shared values related to farm life
• Also requires shared skills, both can do it
Difficult Conversations
• Get help with difficult conversations
• Become skillful in this area
• Invest in this skill, on behalf of your relationship and also on behalf of your clients and business
• “Sorry. We got off on the wrong foot here. Let’s talk about this later when emotions aren’t running so high. Could we check back with each other at 8pm?”
Love is Not a Feeling
• Love is not a feeling
• Love is underneath our feelings
• Love is bigger than emotions
• Love is a force
Some Ideas for Today • Gardening and farmers’ market management
vendor processes as analogies • Love languages • 100/0 Principle • What builds the habits and rituals that make for
successful relationships • Shared farm values and skills • ‘Bids for closeness’ and other relationship skills • Difficult conversations • Love as ‘not’ a feeling
At-Home Resources
• Provide email and I’ll send:
– Copy of today’s presentation slides
– Copy of “Relationship Power Questions” workbook
– List of resources I am referencing today
– E-book from Shambala Sun
• Please also check the box (√ ) to be on my email list if you wish to be
