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Children’s
Grief
Helping Kids Cope with the Loss of a Loved One
Introduction
One out of five children will experience the death of someone loved. Each one of us will face the death of a loved one at some time. As adults, we seek people, books, counseling or other outlets for support in our grieving. But who helps a child deal with a death? Children naturally turn to other significant persons in their lives—family, friends, neighbors, relatives, and teachers. How a child reacts to and copes with this loss very much depends on how these significant adults handle it themselves. Today we will explore some insights into childrenʹs grief, and how we can help them cope and grieve in a healthy way.
Children and Loss
Children and loss; we would all like to believe those are mutually exclusive terms. Is there an adult alive that doesnʹt wish they could protect children from the painful realities of loss? Yet, it is often the attempts at protection that add to a childʹs confusion and aloneness. This is especially true if loss is only thought of in terms of death, or only spoken of in the midst of a major trauma.
The truth is that loss is a part of our everyday lives—it is endings, changes and transitions. It is being six and having your kite get permanently caught in the tree, never to fly again. It is not being able to find your keys in the morning to get to that all important meeting. It is accepting a new job which means you have to move leaving friends and family behind. It is experiencing the loss of innocence felt when being raised in an abusive or alcoholic home. It is the divorce that leaves you with a weekend father or mother.
One of the most important gifts we can give our children is the normalization of loss and the grief that follows. For all of us the greatest fear is the fear of the unknown. In loss the fear is only increased by an overwhelming sense of helplessness and loss of control.
There is no antidote that will completely free us from the pain of loss. However, with education and understanding we can help children start to build the framework to assist them in making sense of their experiences. This framework will last a lifetime.
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Understanding and Helping the Grieving Child
How Children Grieve: General Factors
Children grieve as part of a family. When a loved one has died, it affects the way in which the family functions. Family roles and responsibilities may adjust to accommodate the new needs in the family structure. Children may grieve not only for the deceased loved one, but also for the secondary losses which often result, for example: changes in routine, decreased attention from parents, increased individual responsibilities, etc.
Children re‐grieve. They work through their grief in cycles. Each time a new developmental milestone is attained, they will use that skill to express their grief i.e. language. (Also milestones such as getting marriage, having first baby.) These will be points where the loss of loved one will be re‐grieved.
Children are often repetitive in their grief. By asking the same questions over and over again, children are able to gain understanding and come to terms with their grief. Answering the child’s repeated questions with the same information gives the child a sense of stability, consistency, and trust in that relationship.
Young children are concrete thinkers. Adults frequently use euphemisms when describing the death often to soften the blow of this difficult reality. Adults need to exercise caution when using euphemisms so that children aren’t further scared or confused. For instance, if we say “We lost Grandma today,” a child may want to know why people aren’t looking for her. A child may also wonder, “If I get lost, will anyone come looking for me?” An explanation like “Dad is sleeping peacefully now,” may create in a child a fear of sleeping.
Children may focus on causation. One of the most common worries or beliefs children may have is that they did or did not do something which in turn caused the death of their loved one. Young children are egocentric; they believe the world revolves around them and that their thoughts can make things happen = “Magical Thinking.” Understandably, they often feel a great sense of guilt. One way to allay this misconception is to explain that our thoughts or feelings are just not strong enough to cause someone else to get sick or die.
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Children may also focus on contagion. Most of the experiences children have with illness are of the contagious kind (e.g., colds, flu, chicken pox). Because of this, they may fear that their loved one’s illness is also contagious‐ that they can catch it or that their other loved ones can catch it. Children need to know that the illness, though terminal, is/was not contagious and that it is okay for them to touch, kiss and be with their ill loved one.
Typical grief reactions (by age/developmental stage)
Ages 2 – 4:
As children in this age bracket have not yet mastered language, you will see reactions behaviorally
Intense but brief
Most aware of their parentsʹ reactions
Regressions in behavior, milestones/skills attained (e.g., from potty‐ trained to needing diapers, from being weaned from bottle to wanting it again, etc.)
Donʹt understand that death is final
Needs: Comforting, a regular schedule, reassurance that they will be cared for/ basic needs met
Ages 4 – 7:
May act as though nothing has happened
Deal with their grief in spurts
Concerned with how and why death happened
Repetitive questioning
Regressions in behavior (e.g., more clingy)
By about 7, start to understand death is final
Needs: Clear, honest answers with the words they use and understand, encouragement to express feelings, physical outlets for grief expression
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Ages 7 – 11:
Morbid curiosity; want complete details about the illness, accident, tumor, etc.
More socially aware; concerned with how others are responding and want to ʺfit inʺ
Needs: Encouragement to express feelings, physical outlets for grief expression, adult availability, but also time alone
Ages 12 – 18:
More complex understanding of death/loss
May have some role confusion as the teen developmentally is moving toward independence; with the death of a loved one, the teen may experience a struggle emotionally between wanting to be independent and feeling suddenly vulnerable and more dependent on family for emotional needs
More likely to talk outside of family, but they may not feel comfortable talking to peers.
Needs: Encouragement to express feelings, listening, adult availability; donʹt try to take away their grief
When children need professional help
The extremity of the behavior and the duration of extreme behavior are important indicators that the child may need professional help.
Young children may show their distress in their behavior, as they may not be able yet to use language effectively.
Older children may manifest their distress through: Poor school performance Withdrawing from others to the extreme Overly aggressive behavior (e.g., fights with peers) Risk‐taking behaviors (e.g., drugs, alcohol, self‐harm)
By including children in the journey of loss, we help build the foundation for healthy grief in the losses they will experience throughout their lives. This foundation will last a lifetime.
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Children, Illness, and Death: Myths and Realities
Myth #1: Children are too young to understand.
Reality:
Children have a great ability to sense problems.
Children will often have some understanding before they are told of an illness outright.
Myth #2: Children need to be protected.
Reality:
Many adults try to “protect” because they fear the child will be traumatized by knowledge of the death.
“Protection” often leads to more trauma because it can breed feelings of loss of control and chaos for the child.
Adults should talk openly and honestly with a child. Remember to speak in concrete terms that are understandable within the child’s developmental range.
Including children allows them to develop healthy coping skills.
Myth #3: Children don’t need to know what is going on until they are older.
Reality:
Children tend to have strong intuition. They will often imagine a situation that is worse than the reality.
Even infants can sense a problem and the stress being exhibited by the adults around them.
Myth #4: Children don’t WANT to be involved.
Reality:
Being involved and included helps the child to feel like an important part of the family.
Keeping a child informed helps them to know that he or she can trust adults.
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Adults should ultimately follow the child’s lead regarding his or her comfort zone and desires.
Allow children to participate; let them do what they can to help.
Give the child a specific job to do in the care if they want to participate.
Myth #5: Children are not concerned or it is not affecting them
Reality:
Children show feelings differently than adults; their emotional expression is not always a recognizable outward emotion or verbalization.
Their emotional struggle is often shown through decreased school performance, changes in play behaviors, regression, and/or a change in appetite/sleep patterns.
The three main fears of children in a crisis situation (whether expressed concretely or not) are: Did I cause this? Will it happen to me? Will it happen to someone else I love?
Myth #6: Children will not benefit from hearing about the possibility of death, thus they should not be told until after it has occurred.
Reality:
Children have a great need for closure and good‐byes; if they are not informed of an impending death, they will be robbed of this chance.
Many adults who choose to leave a child “in the dark” do so out of their own fears of how to handle the child’s reaction.
Myth #7: Adults should not show feelings in front of children.
Reality:
Adults need to model healthy, open emotional expression and release.
Hard feelings often leave adults and children feeling isolated. Sharing feelings can greatly diminish feelings of isolation and increase feelings of normalcy.
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Myth #8: Adults should know all of the answers to a child’s questions.
Reality:
If a question can be answered, answer it honestly and correctly.
Adults should encourage questions and be comfortable saying, “I don’t know” or “That’s a good question; I wonder that, too.”
If you don’t know the answer, but a question is answerable, follow through with finding the information to help you answer the question comfortably.
Myth #9: Children are too young to be involved in the funeral and other rituals.
Reality:
Children often have a more difficult time with the reality of the death when they are not allowed to participate in the death rituals.
Some children want to help plan or participate in the ceremonies.
Children should not be forced to attend the funeral or other rituals, but they should be given the option.
If a child decides to attend, a caring adult should explain the reason for the ritual and talk about what the child can expect.
Attending the funeral or other rituals allows the child to say good‐bye if he or she is not able to do so before the death.
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See This Child
See this child before you
wounded vulnerable changed …the child of yesterday gone forever Who will really look at this child? Is it easier to assume
he will emerge unscathed than to face the turmoil with him? Who will step into the road before this child laden with mountains and valleys, potholes and detours? Who will walk a bit of his journey with him? Who will offer him temporary shelter from the storms that rage around and within this child?
Who will open doors that this child cannot see through his pain? Who will listen to what this child is really saying when he is belligerent when he is too shy to speak when his laughter masks his fears? Who will help this child to recognize his successes, and give him the courage to step beyond his failures with dignity? Who will be with this child on the other side of healing as he recognizes his growth and acceptance?
The Mourner's Six "Reconciliation Needs" by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from the ʺbeforeʺ to the ʺafterʺ is almost always a long, painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.
I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. There is an important difference, you see. Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
There are six ʺyield signsʺ you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief ‐ what I call the ʺreconciliation needs of mourning.ʺ For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.
Need 1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.
This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.
Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. Itʹs as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.
Remember ‐ this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.
Need 2. Embracing the pain of the loss.
This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss ‐ something we naturally donʹt want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of
grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.
You will probably discover that you need to ʺdoseʺ yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.
Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to ʺcarry onʺ or ʺkeep your chin up.ʺ If, on the other hand, you remain ʺstrongʺ and ʺin control,ʺ you may be congratulated for ʺdoing wellʺ with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.
Need 3. Remembering the person who died.
Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.
But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.
Need 4. Developing a new self-identity.
Part of your self‐identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self‐identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.
You may have gone from being a ʺwifeʺ or ʺhusbandʺ to a ʺwidowʺ or ʺwidower.ʺ You may have gone from being a ʺparentʺ to a ʺbereaved parent.ʺ The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.
A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage, someone
still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.
You may occasionally feel child‐like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear.
Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self‐identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.
Need 5. Searching for meaning.
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask ʺHow?ʺ and ʺWhyʺ questions.
ʺHow could God let this happen?ʺ ʺWhy did this happen now, in this way?ʺ The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.
This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.
Need 6. Receiving ongoing support from others.
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot ‐ nor should you try to ‐ do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a
weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.
Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to ʺcarry on,ʺ ʺkeep your chin upʺ and ʺkeep busy,ʺ many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. ʺIt’s over and done withʺ and ʺItʹs time to get on with your lifeʺ are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.
To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed ‐ even encouraged ‐ to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.
Reconciling your grief
You may have heard ‐ indeed you may believe ‐ that your grief journeyʹs end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your grief. But your journey will never end. People do not ʺget overʺ grief.
Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death and a capacity to become re‐involved in the activities of living.
In reconciliation, the sharp, ever‐present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feeling of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.
The Bill of Rights of Grieving Teens by Teens at The Dougy Center
A grieving teen has the right….
...to know the truth about the death, the deceased, and the circumstances.
...to have questions answered honestly.
...to be heard with dignity and respect.
...to be silent and not tell you her/his grief emotions and thoughts.
...to not agree with your perceptions and conclusions.
...to see the person who died and the place of the death.
...to grieve any way she/he wants without hurting self or others.
...to feel all the feelings and to think all the thoughts of his/her own unique grief.
...to not have to follow the “Stages of Grief” as outlined in a high school health book.
...to grieve in one’s own unique, individual way without censorship.
...to be angry at death, at the person who died, at God, at self, and at others.
...to have his/her own theological and philosophical beliefs about life and death.
...to be involved in the decisions about the rituals related to the death.
...to not be taken advantage of in this vulnerable mourning condition and circumstances.
...to have guilt about how he/she could have intervened to stop the death.
Grief in Families ~ Differing Perspectives Factors contributing to differences among family members:
1. Definition of the severity of the loss may vary. a. Some family members may see the loss as devastating b. Others may see it as distressing c. Others may find it a relief. (And at different times, individual family
members may see changes in their own interpretation of the loss.)
2. The meaning of the relationship that each family member had with the deceased will have been unique and it is this meaning that will need to be processed and worked through.
3. The relationship grievers have with each other and any emotional
legacies they share from the past may contribute to differences among family members.
4. The degree to which family members are able to anticipate and prepare
for the loss is a factor. 5. Ambiguity about who or what has been lost, whether or not there was a
loss, or if this should be seen as a loss can lead to conflict. Such ambiguous losses often lead to disenfranchised grief and may result in grieving individuals feeling stigmatized in their own family.
6. The gender, age and/or developmental stage of the grieving individuals
will affect the ways in which they grieve. 7. Behaviorally, they may differ, with different family members finding different coping styles more helpful in resolving their grief.
8. Differences in cultural background (particularly among couples) will
affect each partnerʹs grief style.
Feeling Your Grief by Phil Rich, excerpted from The Healing Journey Through Grief
Grief work isn’t a matter of willpower or tenacity—it’s a matter of heart. Although thinking about and reflecting on your loss is an important component of grief work, the key to healing is to allow yourself to experience the mass of feelings that have hit you since your loss and then sort through and express them.
Many people can identify a small group of emotions that they often experience. These emotions may have grown familiar and comfortable, even if they’re unpleasant feelings, such as anger or sadness. People are quick to revert to familiar emotions, but they may not notice the web of other emotions that are often layered beneath and contributing to them. To understand and manage intense emotions, you need to recognize, experience, and express each feeling. As you work through them, the intensity of each feeling will eventually fade to the point where you can function and move on.
What are you feeling right now? Are you confused by your feelings? Is it hard to pinpoint them? The following checklist examines the emotions most commonly associated with grief.
Identifying Your Feelings
Check all of the emotions that best describe what you are generally experiencing at this point in your bereavement.
___ anger Anger often feels like a physical thing. Your muscles tense up, and you may feel like yelling at someone or hitting something. Your rage may be aimed at yourself or your lost loved one, or you may find yourself getting angry with other people, society, or your spiritual beliefs.
___ anxiety Anxiety is distinct from fear, and is often a generalized feeling. If
you’re afraid, at least you know what scares you. If you’re anxious, on the other hand, you’re likely to feel agitated without knowing exactly why. You may experience cold sweats, hyperactivity, or edginess.
___ bitterness Life may feel very unjust, and you may feel cheated and
disappointed. You may feel jealous and resentful toward others who still have what has been taken from you, and you may feel victimized by fate.
___ confusion You may be unsure of what you’re feeling, or your feelings may change quickly. Your thoughts may be unfocused, making it difficult for you to concentrate, or you may have a hard time knowing what to do and how best to make decisions.
___ depression Depression can be a general melancholic mood or a full‐blown
experience that is all‐encompassing and seems to have no end. In a major depression your mood, appetite, sleep, memory, and ability to concentrate are seriously impaired. You may feel the impulse to do self‐destructive things in an effort to find relief.
___ despair Here you feel a sense of futility. It seems like things will never get
better, and the distress caused by death may feel unbearable. Although you want to, you may not be able to get your feelings out by crying, or you may be unable to stop crying.
___ detachment You feel disconnected from the death, and detached from life in
general. The experience seems unreal, as if it were happening to someone else. You simply pass through life each day, your actions detached from your thoughts and feelings.
___ fear You’re scared of what life will be like now. You may be fearful
about your ability to cope emotionally, or you may be uncertain about practical concerns like money, raising the children, or where you’ll live. You may just be afraid, without really knowing why.
___ feeling lost Everything that you used to believe in is gone. You aren’t sure
where you fit in the world or who you are. If religious or spiritual, your faith is shaken. If not, you feel it unwise to ever have faith in a world where nothing seems permanent.
___ feeling You simply can’t cope with the barrage of emotions, overwhelmed thoughts, and changes facing you. You feel like running away, or
escaping by using alcohol or drugs. You want someone to rescue you and make it all go away.
___ guilt You may feel that you could have done more to help or prevent
the death. You may feel intense regret about the way you behaved toward your loved one or about promises you never kept. You may also feel guilty about negative feelings you harbor toward your loved one or mixed feelings about the death itself. It is also common for the bereaved to feel guilty when they begin to laugh and find pleasure in life once again or begin new relationships. Or you may experience survivor guilt—a sense of remorse that you remain alive while your loved one has died.
___ helplessness Things seem out of control. You may think that if you were powerless to prevent the death, then you can’t handle anything. You can’t cope with the practicalities of everyday life, and you feel unable to control or manage your feelings.
___ hopelessness Life has no meaning. It seems there is no point to anything, and
things will never get better. Your feelings and the tasks you face seem insurmountable, and you feel unable to ever overcome your loss.
___ loneliness There is no one who can understand your pain. There seems to be
no one with whom to share things or from whom to seek comfort. These feelings may make you feel like withdrawing even further from those around you or the world at large.
___ numbness You are shut down emotionally. You feel nothing. Everything is
flat. Although you might be able to function and get through each day, it sometimes seems as if you are sleepwalking through life, unable to feel your emotions.
___ preoccupation You can’t stop thinking about your loss. Perhaps you keep
replaying certain scenes over and over in your mind or agonize about who you might lose next. You can’t concentrate on your everyday responsibilities or engage in a conversation without your mind wandering. Intrusive memories keep surfacing no matter what you do.
___ sadness Sorrow and heartbreak colors everything. You feel your loss
deeply, and it affects and pervades all you do. It is a mood that simply won’t go away.
___ shame You may feel that you should be getting “over” your feelings, or
you may be ashamed to show them in front of family, friends, and others. You may also harbor feelings about the death or the fact that you are still alive that feel shameful to you and are difficult to share with others.
___ shock You are bewildered and confused. Even if prepared for the death,
the situation doesn’t seem real. The finality of the situation leaves you feeling stunned, and you may not be able to accept that your loved one is gone. You keep hoping to wake up from a bad dream.
___ vulnerability Your faith in your own invulnerability is shattered. You are
constantly aware of your own mortality and the mortality of other
important people in your life. You feel exposed, without protection, to whatever destiny or life hands you.
___ yearning You long for the deceased. It hurts so much that you feel a
constant pit in your stomach. You are constantly aware of the absence of your loved one, and you feel empty. Nothing can fill the void.
Of the feelings you checked off, which three are the most intense right now? 1. _____________________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________________
Checking In With Yourself
1. Lately, I’ve been feeling like… 2. My most important current task is… 3. I feel like I most need to work on…
Coping With Feelings by Phil Rich, excerpted from The Healing Journey Through Grief
There are many ways to describe coping—to contend with; to endure, to manage, to survive; to struggle with. But in the final analysis, to cope means to deal with a situation. As you work through your grief, you’ll face many things with which you’ll have to contend, but most of all you’ll have to find ways to cope with your feelings. Coping with your feelings in healthy ways helps; trying to cope in unhealthy ways invariably does not. The painful feeling or problem situation still remains, and chances are you’re worse off than when you began. Emotions are things you feel. Your behaviors are the things you do. Your feelings affect your behaviors and sometimes shape them. Coping is what you do to handle your feelings so that they don’t overwhelm you. How Do You Cope?
1. What are the most pressing things you have to cope with? 2. What are the greatest obstacles to overcoming these things? 3. In what healthy ways do you cope? Check off all that apply, and add your own. _____ art _____ dance _____ playing an instrument
_____ gardening _____ hobbies _____ listening to music
_____ meditation _____ movies _____ exercise
_____ reading _____ sports _____ talking
_____ therapy _____ walking _____ writing
other: ______________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
4. Do you ever behave self‐destructively? Give examples. 5. In what ways is your behavior self‐defeating? 6. What is your healthiest coping mechanism? 7. What is your unhealthiest coping mechanism?
Becoming Aware of Your Behaviors
What we most often call behavior is simply a reaction to things, which involves little intentional thought. You usually don’t think about and consider every aspect of your behavior—you just react to the situation. Most of the time that’s fine. But sometimes it’s important to think about your behavior before you behave and to reflect on what motivates your behavior.
What You Do Is Who You Are
1. Do you ever behave in ways you later regret? Describe them. 2. Do you ever not behave in ways you later wish you had? Describe them.
Things to Think About
• What most prevents you from coping with a feeling or situation? What most helps?
• Do you keep hidden from others any of your unhealthy coping mechanisms? If so, why?
3. Check off those words that best describe your most frequent behaviors since your loss. Feel free to add other words that describe your actions.
_____ aggressive _____ angry _____ caring _____ confused
_____ considerate _____ friendly _____ distant _____ disagreeable
_____ depressed _____ fearful _____ flexible _____ courageous
_____ insecure _____ outgoing _____ rigid _____ manipulative
_____ obsessive _____ sad _____ selfish _____ withdrawn
other: ________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
4. Has your behavior changed since your loss? In what ways? 5. What behaviors do you often use? Check off all that apply and add your own.
_____ yelling _____ laughing _____ drinking
_____ withdrawing _____ walking _____ smoking
_____ drug use _____ talking _____ interacting with others
other: ________________________________ _______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
6. What message are you giving other people through your behavior? Do you mean to give this message? If you do, why?
7. If your behavior has changed, why has it? 8. Is there more to you than your behavior? What would you like people to know about you
that they can’t tell by your behavior?
9. Are there changes you want to make in your behavior? Name them. Understanding and Coping
Understanding your behavior is one aspect of coping. But in the case of your bereavement, coping also means finding ways to live with your feelings, unbearable and overwhelming as they may be at times. Coping is the process that keeps you on track as you move through your grief work and allows you to not get derailed along the way. To cope with your feelings, you really don’t have to understand them. But understanding your feelings helps you to cope, because it helps you to recognize what’s affecting you; and that allows you to make informed choices about how best to deal with things. Feelings are important—they help tell us what’s going on. Ridding or numbing yourself to feelings is like taking a medication to mask pain. Unhealthy coping behaviors may help to block the feelings in the short run—that’s their appeal—but they don’t address the problem, and they certainly don’t cure it. The real aim of coping is to tolerate and manage the feelings so that you can achieve the long‐term goal of dealing with and overcoming the situations causing the pain in the first place. Healthy coping entails:
• Knowing when you have feelings—being in touch with what’s going on inside
• Identifying your feelings—recognizing and being able to name the feelings
• Tolerating your feelings—accepting the feelings, and not trying to escape them
• Understanding your feelings—connecting your feelings to their causes
Things to Think About
• People often judge you by your “outside” person—through your behavior. Is there a different “inside” person?
• Do you feel okay about your behavior? Are there changes you want—or need—to make?
