:

Getting Thru’ to the Ones We

Love

Not always so easy

Things get in the way

Bad habits and lack of skill

Communication Danger Signs

Other things that get in the way

Filters Filters

Filters develop because of what we believe, how we feel, what

we’ve experienced and how we grew up

A speaker’s filters can cause the speaker to put a particular spin

on what they are telling the listener

A listener’s filters make the listener hear something different than what the

speaker said

Six Main Filters

Fear of Getting

Hurt

Different Communication Styles

Mismatched Memories

Pay Attention to Your Filters

• Make sure you have your partners’ full attention

• Ask your partner if they are ready to talk• If a filter kicks in, tell your partner

• Try hard not to mind-read or assume the worst

• Remember your differences in style

• Discuss things gently and with care

Be respectful

Important ingredients

for good communication

Empathic Listening

I want to hear what you’re saying because I know it is important to you

and I value our relationship

Keys for Empathic Listening

• Affirm your spouse, even when you disagree with his or her ideas• Share your own ideas only when your

spouse feels understood

requires emotional strength

Listening…

Anything else?

Safety

When feeling unsafe, people may respond defensively

We won’t say what we are

really thinking and often feel disconnected and

alone

What do we usually do when

we feel misunderstood or not listened to?

• Raise our voices

• Repeat ourselves over and over

• Argue and attack

• Stop speaking and give up

Can’t Really Listen

What can we do?

1. Argue Naked!

2. Make it safe to talk

3. Talk without fighting

Speaker / Listener Method

• A structured way to communicate safely and clearly when you really need to do it well.

• Not meant to be used all the time!

• It counteracts all of the negatives.

“The Speaker has The Floor.”

Rules for the Speaker

• Speak for yourself

• Make it brief

• Stop to let the listener paraphrase

Rules for the Listener

• Paraphrase what you hear

• Focus on the speaker’s message

• No rebuttals!

Rules for Both

• Speaker has the floor

• Speaker keeps the floorwhile listener paraphrases

• Share the floor

The Goal

• is not agreement

• is not to solve the problem (yet)

• is for each partner to feel heard and understood by the other

80%

Problem Solving Model

Problem Discussion First

Problem Solution

Everyone just wants to be understood!

It what ways might it be helpful to show the speaker that you really

heard them?

They won’t need to increase their intensity or repeat the message

They can clarify their thinking

They feel empowered and moreable to move on to problem solving

They might be more receptive to listening to you

Review

Rules for Listener

1. Focus on facts and feelings2. Paraphrase the message back: Ask, “Did I get it right?”3. No reactions allowed4. Ask, “Is there more?”

Rules for Speaker

1. Speak for yourself Use “I” statements2. Pause often3. Affirm the Listener “That’s right,” or gently correct them4. Speak a part of the message, then switch

Time to Practice

Practice with a low conflict topic:

dream vacation extra $500 favorite age as a child dream job what makes a good friend

How DidPractice Go?

Questions? Challenges? Comments?