arranpremierleague.webs.com … · Web viewMrJobby returned to his flat late one night last week to find the place had been ransacked. 2 laptops, the xbox 360 and a nintendo wii had

2009-05-26 19:25The League AdminArran Premier League Manager: Djchrismac

The Arran Premier LeagueBreaking news!!!

An application has been received to start up an Arran Premier League on Xpert11 with invitations sent out to several teams, more news on this huge story as we get it....

___________________Arran Banner Sports

2009-05-28 03:21Athletico MachrieArran Premier LeagueManager: MrJobby

Athletico Machrie welcomes the chase!!!Athletico Machrie's inspiring manager, Mr Jobby, today berated the other teams in the APL.

'Pirnmill Panthers will be the whipping boys of the league. They'll prop up the table for most of the season... if not all!'

'Glen Cloy Rangers may present more of a challenge. But only because of their corrupt manager. He will no doubt change the rules at some point.'

'Nags Legends usually forget to take someone on their minibus.'

'North Sannox Midgies will be annoying but short lived.'

'Thunderguy Harriers and Benlister Rovers are considered 'diddie' teams because of their youthful and inexperienced managers.'

Mr Jobby then commentted on the recents rumours of a team entering from the Holy Isle.

'They might have an experience manager - he does little else - but all I expect from them is shameful, religious chanting.'

Mr Jobby finished off by talking about the pre-season.'The team is ready, and we're looking to arrange a pre-season thrashing.'


Pre-season Gets UnderwayThe Arran Premier League has now entered pre-season.

Eight teams have now registered with the league:

Glen Cloy RangersThunderguy HarriersBenlister RoversAthletico MachrieNags LegendsPirnmill PanthersNorth Sannox Midges

http://www.xperteleven.com/team.aspx?TeamID=762002&dh=3

http://www.xperteleven.com/manager.aspx?UNR=561702

http://www.xperteleven.com/leagueInfo.aspx?Lid=207840&dh=3



http://www.xperteleven.com/standings.aspx?Lid=207840&Sel=T&Lnr=1&dh=3




Holy Isle Monkeys

The maximum league quota is 12 teams so we will be open for registration for another week or so to see if the final 4 spaces are filled. If not then the APL season will get underway with the 8 teams above.

Use this time to arrange a pre-season friendly and start getting to know your team and your opponents.

First up on the bill this Sunday will see Glen Cloy Rangers managed by Chris MacDonald host Neil Ferguson's Athletico Machrie at Underwood Park in the historic first fixture of the APL!

2009-05-28 19:59

Rangers Prepare For Stoners VisitWith the first friendly of the Arran Premier League arranged for this Sunday, Glen Cloy Rangers will host Athletico Machrie at Underwood Park in a game that promises to be anything but friendly!

Arran Banner Sports caught up with Rangers Manager Chris MacDonald for his thoughts on the game.

ABS "How does it feel to be playing the first fixture of the virgin Arran Premier League?"

CM "Fantastic, this could be the start of a beautiful rivalry, especially considering the spanking new Underwood Park was built on the old golf course right next to Mr Ferguson's home and he was out of the country when we put in the planning application!"

ABS "How do you rate your opponents and the other teams in the league?"

CM "I'll tell you next week and after i've played a few games! But having seen some of the squads i don't think the Panthers will be much of a challenge. The team i'm worried about are the Monkeys from Holy Isle, their manager MacPhail has years of experience and i'm led to believe his training methods have been very strict so far, he already has a good team spirit!"

ABS "How do you think the game will go this weekend?"

CM "I'm hoping for a good performance and to see what i've got to work with for the season, the result won't matter although it will be nice to win! The Standing Stoners support can expect nothing but the best in hospitality at Underwood Park, tea and jaffa cakes will be provided."

ABS "And finally your goals for the season ahead?"

CM "To finish ahead of a certain few rival managers but mainly to put in a good showing throughout the season, play some nice football and build the foundations of a strong team that can hopefully dominate the league for years to come...!!!"


2009-05-28 23:27Holy Isle MonkeysArran Premier LeagueManager: Discotron

Hallo! Hallo! We are the Buddhist Boys!!The latest team to join the APL were today accused of bringing a bigoted slant to the league,







something that the other members were looking to shy away from and try and enjoy a football league without religious undertones.

However, Holy Isle Monkeys' manager Discotron distanced himself from such allegations by accusing the other managers of being jealous.

"It's true to say that the other managers are envious of this great club and it's traditions, simple things like our songs and anthems. Just because they don't have any of their own? I find it laughable" responded Discotron.

This story is sure to unfold over the coming season(s) and will no doubt take up many column inches in the Arran Banner Sports section.

Meanwhile, Discotron has expressed his satisfaction at pre-season training after taking the squad to La Manga club in Spain.

"I'm just happy to be involved in pre-season training. At other clubs i've been at, i've always come in midway through the season to steady the ship. This time i can take control from the off and get the team eating my tictacs as well as building team morale. It's been a great week".

The Monkeys will hope his tictacs have been digested in time for the start of the season as the mutterings from close rivals Glen Cloy Rangers and Athletico Machrie seem to indicate that they will be looking for a strong start to their season

Time will tell if Discotron is a manager to be reckoned with or merely a stopgap who can fix a hole to stop the rain getting in.

The Holy Isle Monkeys also have a couple of free dates before the season kicks off and will be looking to tie up those dates with a couple of pre-season friendlies.

2009-05-29 00:44

Qwijiboenator Hits OutThunderguy Harriers boss Qwijiboenator today poured scorn on the tactics of Athletico Machrie manager Mr Jobby in his run up to pre season football.

Upon hearing that Mr Jobbie considered his side to be one of the ''diddy'' [sic] teams in the Arran Premier League, Qwijiboenator replied:

"He may consider my team to be 'inexperienced', but I would like to point out that the last time Jobby and I met [in the 08-09 season of the Barclays Premier League] I had less experience than now, and a less high profile team, and I still finished above him in the table."

He then went on to add:

"I find it quite interesting that Mr Jobby has resorted to mind games so early in the pre-season. It almost seems as if he himself is aware that he doesn't have a leg to stand on team-wise, and is trying to redress the balance through crass psychological tricks.

When then questioned on how he felt all this press attention would affect the upcoming friendly match against Benlister Rovers - the other team slated by Jobby - Qwijiboenator quipped that Mr Jobby's actions had actually been having a positive effect on both teams, as they would now be looking to prove they were more than a match for "Those shiftless hippy bastards and their standing stones."

With the start of season looming, Sunday's friendly will be a valuable look at where both teams stand in preparing for what looks set to be a heated start to the season.




When asked how he felt about his chances, the former Fluffy Buggers manager was quick to point out that there were more important objectives to focus on than victory:

"Sunday will mainly be about seeing where the lads are as a unit.When I came here they did nothing but sit around bickering over who was 'bestest', and kicking crisp packets at stray chickens. They've come a long way, and it'll be good to finally see just how far."

Benlister Rovers v. Thunderguy Harriers can be seen live at 11:00 on Sunday the 31st of May via remote viewing.

_________________________________________________________________________________This press release and all related individuals are the sole property of GAME and its partners. Any attempt to copy or reproduce this message, in whole or in part, will result in legal action and most likely prosecution to the full extent of the law. At least for the amount we pay our lawyers it should. Fuck You Guy.

2009-05-30 01:15Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: Smegor

Rosa Rookie ReadyMay I start off by saying Iam new to this game but i feel i have the relevant experience to cope with the pressures of Xpert Eleven. Starting off in the 80's with my AMSTRAD 464 i become a master of World Soccer League, then going to Champ Manager on Mega Drive were i honed my skills of nurturing young talent!!! LMA on playstation was the next step closely followed by Football Manager on My Mac. Hopefully the girlfriend wont get in the way too much of me pushing for a top 3 finish once i figure out how to manage this game with skill and commitment. All the best to all the managers in this league and may the best man win. I look forward to whipping all your asses especially at home on my newly built Millhouse Park which has the potential to host 2000 sheep and almost the same amount of pheasants. WELCOME TO HELL!!!!!!

2009-05-30 22:39

Rovers ReadyRookie manager Tribute2Johnny is optimistic ahead of his first game in charge with Benlister Rovers. We caught up with him earlier today.

ABS : So Mr Maclean how are you feeling before tomorrows game?

T2J : So far so good it will be interesting to see how my team performs tomorrow thats really what the games all about. Matching up against a fellow newcomer poses an interesting challenge for my team and myself it should show how we stand against a team of similar stature.

ABS : So what do you think of the recent mental tactics being used by some of your fellow managers in the APL?

T2J :I think it's good to see maybe not so early on in the season but it's part of the game really! When things get under way it will be interesting to see were the so called diddie teams stand I think there will be some fight in us!

ABS : So being a Lamlash boy how does it feel to take control of a local team?

T2J : Oh it's fantastic being a local boy I feel a great affinity with the team and really can't wait to stick it to the sheep shaggers and those Brodick boys and there's also the derby match with the monkeys across the water!! So yeah I'm delighted with my possiton here!







ABS : Well Mr Maclean thanks for your time it's been a pleasure.

T2J : Aye cheers, and I would just like to say good luck to everyone else! You'll need it!!!!!

2009-05-31 00:00

Cheerleader Recruitment DriveWANTED: Cheerleaders for soon-to-be-successful Nags Legends Football Club. Auditions will commence after closing time at the team's local refreshment station this weekend. No previous experience necessary although high standard of natural talent is required. Successful applicants will perform at all home matches at the mighty fortress, Sandbraes Park, as well as various special occasions. The Club looks forward to meeting and appraising all budding 'Nagettes'.

2009-05-31 14:25

Machrie Do A Celtic to RangersThe first ever friendly game at Underwood Park ended 2 -2 between Glen Cloy Rangers and Athletico Machrie earlier today. We caught up with Rangers manager Chris Mac in the after match press conference:

ABS "Do you feel a draw was a fair result for your first game in charge?"

CM "Absolutely not, Athletico may have had the better of the first half but after my half time team talk we started playing our passing game and went 2-1 up."

ABS "But posession and shots on goal were very even, surely if...."

CM "I'll just interrupt you there Charlie, they pulled a Celtic on me! Where did Mr Luke Bribe get those extra minutes of injury time from can you tell me that?! They had four chances in the last 3 minutes, I think the ref lived up to his name he didn't blow that whistle until they had fluked an equaliser!"

ABS "Moving on, are you happy with your team's performance and what work do you see ahead of you for the coming season?"

CM "Only two of my players showed up, i thought MacFinlay played well in goals and if I can get a whole team of Alastair Fletchers then i'm looking good for the season ahead."

ABS "Next up are the Holy Isle Monkeys in your next friendly."

CM "I'm looking forward to that one, i hear the buddhists have some great weed growing up near the Monastery..."

2009-06-02 05:33

They’re all crooks!










In a exclusive interview today the manager of the Panthers slaughtered some of the managers in the APL. Donny accused DJchrismac of throwing game’s because of his gambling problem. “How McDonald ever got a place in the APL association I’ll never know. He’s as bent as Bruno. Because of the gambling problem his team will throw games left, right and centre. He’s a joke!”

Brown then accused Neil Ferguson of brain washing his team into taking performance enhancing drugs. “Ferguson’s a disgrace to sporting integrity. I’m hoping if I get these truths out in the open something might be done about it.”

But Brown saved the most shocking revelation for last. He alleged that Gavin Martin was actually an Albanian gangster called Genta Mirjeta. “He’s in charge of trafficking young girls into the UK where they start off as cheer leaders. He then moves them on to far seedier lines of business. I could be in a lot of trouble for putting this out in the public domain.”

In the end Brown feels it’s his duty to try and bring some integrity back to the league. “I don’t really know my players yet but we’ll use a pre-season to assess the squad and identify any areas we fell we need to improve. I’m not sure if I’ll be in the transfer market or not at this point.” Brown then went on to talk about his football philosophy. “We won’t compromise our football. We’ll go about it in much the same way as Barcelona. I know there’s plenty of hammer throwing in this league but in the end I hope good football is the winner.“

2009-06-02 14:56

Foreign owners know nothing!!Today Mr Jobby took a swipe the foreign owners of football clubs.

‘It’s a worrying trend that more and more football clubs are being run by foreign owners who know little about the sport. The only thing more elusive on Arran than the Pirnmill panther is the club owner himself!! How he can have the audacity to spout out nonsense rumours from some mountain hut in Colorado is beyond me!?!?! He’s probably too busy flirting with his own relatives to realise the damage he is doing to his own club.’

As for the recent ‘friendly’ 2-2 draw against Glen Cloy Rangers Mr Jobby said this:‘I’m disappointed by the result. The victory was there for the taking but a couple of lapses in concentration let us down. Although I admire their stadium, it was hardly a fortress. When we visit there in the league we’ll be going with the full expectation of taking all 3 points.’

Athletico Machrie’s next match in their pre-season schedule is away to the Thundergay Harriers. There has already been some friction between the two managers. Mr Jobby said this on the matter:‘I have no time for Quijdy… Quibble… Quincy… whatever the f**k he’s called!! Yes, my team might be full of ‘shiftless, hippy bastards’ but that’s still two leagues above the chicken fuckers that his team consists of. We’ll go to that excuse of a stadium / field on Thursday and hand out a real footballing lesson.‘

Mr Jobby then stated that they have no more friendlies scheduled. ‘Yes we’re waiting patiently for the league to start. But at this rate it looks like it might take a while. I’ve been looking at the transfer market but haven’t managed to secure the any signings yet.’

2009-06-02 16:10

Chickens Won't Be Shagged!







Following another ill-advised press release from Athletico Machrie's - aptly named - Mr Jobby regarding the state of Thunderguy Harriers footballing setup, Arran Banner Sport met up with Chickens boss Qwijiboenator to see if we couldn't stir up some more shit.

ABS "So surely Qwiji, you must be fuming at the allegations of Mr Jobby regarding your team's, ahem, 'fondness' for chickens?"

Q "Nah not really man. If you read the press release you'll see that he can't even spell my name properly, and that level of retardation doesn't particularly lend itself to cutting intellectual retorts. To be honest I was expecting some kind of vulgar insult in reply."

ABS "Oh..."

Q "Especially after watching the video of them stuggling to draw against Glen Cloy Rangers the other day. Mr Jobby has been made to look foolish due to his own psi-ops jiggery-pokery and, knowing the man, I expected him to lash out at any available target rather than do the big thing and eat humble pie."

ABS "Yes, it is true that after his draw and your victory, his assessment of you as a 'diddy team' looks to be flawed. Incidentally what are your thoughts on Sundays game?"

Q "I feel we did well. It's always hard to travel to Lamlash and get anything other than a beating and unwanted homosexual advances upon your person, so to get the win was a great boost."

ABS "We have heard rumours that Tribute2Johnny has been attacking your match tactics - calling them anti-football. Any thoughts?"

Q "I believe you are deliberately misquoting there. What Johnny actually said was 'The only way I can see to improve your team Qwiji, is if my Auntie was playing football with you.' Or something like that."

ABS "..."

Q "... I didn't say he was making a salient point..."

ABS "Moving swiftly on, could you please give us a few words regarding where you feel you stand for Thursdays match?"

Q "Well, I'm just playing it loose right now. We'll see who's fit and up for it and maybe even get our new signing involved at some point."

ABS "Finally, could you give us your views on the furore erupting around the allegations that Nags manager Gavin Martin is actually an Albainian gangster?

Q "I don't really care if he is or not, but I could see it being true. As long as he shows up and plays a good game of football he can do whatever he wants in his free time. Plus, Arran needs more hot chicks anyway! The majority of them look like they've been intimately involved with heavy digging machinery at some point, and the rest are semi-human, so fair play to him!

ABS "Sage words their Qwiji. Thanks for your time."

There will be one grainy photo of Thursdays match in next weeks edition of the Banner.


New Team Joins the APL!Shiskine Stormers managed by Iain 'Stormchaser' Watson

The Joint Arran Fantasy Football Association (JAFFA) extends a warm welcome to the league's




newest member - Shiskine Stormers. Playing their home games at Shiskine Valley Stadium they will be managed by Iain Watson.

This completes the league quota of ten teams for this inaugural season of the Arran Premier League.

_________________JAFFA


APL TO Start On 11.06.2009!League start date announced, managers overjoyed!

Officials today announced that the newly formed Arran Premier League will begin on Thursday the 11th of June. Here are the opening round of fixtures:

2009-06-11 20:00

Glen Rosa Ramblers - Shiskine Stormers Glen Cloy Rangers - Thunderguy Harriers Pirnmill Panthers - Holy Isle Monkeys North Sannox Midges - Nags Legends Athletico Machrie - Benlister Rovers

Don't forget there are still more pre-season games this Thursday and Sunday so get your teams warmed up for the long season ahead. The APL will finish its first season on the 10th of October and will be recruiting for a First Division up until then.

Still no word yet from JAFFA officials regarding the Cup but expect that in the coming weeks.

___________________________________Arran Banner Sports

2009-06-03 14:52

we're here to win!!!the apl's newest team's manager has sent best wishes to all in the league,but has warned there are hard times ahead of them all as they struggle to keep up with the stormers on their debut season

APL: so,even though you are new to the management game,your confident that your team will come out on top?

watson:i may be in-experienced,but my team are looking very strong in training just now and i can only see us overpowering every one else on our way to the title

APL:you dont think your over confident?

watson: NO,NO AND NO,the only way we will be denied finishing first is if the apl do an spl and give my team a backlog of fixtures in an impossible time frame to play them,just as teams before us have been cheated







APL:so have you any special game plan for this domination?

watson: the game plan is simple,if it moves kick it,if it doesnt move,kick it till it does

APL:sounds like rough tactics?

watson: not really,if things get out of hand the VALLEY ULTRAS will be there to sort things,people will come here laughing and go away in stitches

APL:moving on then,did you have any other job offers before you came here?

watson: a team called sellick had been pestering me to join but the thought of finishing second doesnt appeal to me

APL:any last messages for the rest of the league?

watson:WE'RE HER TO WIN,BRING ON THE WAR!!!!

so,in what promises to be an exciting season ahead only time will tell if the managers team will match his strong words

2009-06-04 17:59Glen Cloy RangersArran Premier LeagueManager: Djchrismac

Referee Gets Revenge For SlanderMacDonald looks to blame others for team's poor performance

In the second game of pre-season Glen Cloy Rangers lost 2-1 away to the Holy Isle Monkeys having taken the lead only for the Monkeys to equalise 2 minutes later before nicking a win with a set piece on 81mins.

Here's what Gers Manager MacDonald had to say on the game:

CM "Well to be honest i don't remember much of the first half, it was a non-event apart from McDonut getting booked for stamping in 40mins but that was because he freaked out and though he saw a giant ant in the grass and tried to kill it! I think it may have something to do with the herbal tea the Monks gave us prior to the game..."

ABS "You took the lead before the Monkeys took control at the end of the game, how do you feel your team is looking for the coming season ahead?"

CM "I'm not confident, i've inherited a bunch of lads who are more interested in going to the Cheerleader tryouts arranged by Nags Legends than going to training... but i'm less happy that Mr Bribe was again in charge, he obviously awarded that dubious free-kick at the end of the game purely in spite due to my press comments about the dodgy injury time in the last fixture!"

ABS "And you think this will help..."

CM "You don't get paid to think Mr Currie, now get back to scribbling on your notepad and covering the sport! At least i'm here and in charge of my team which cannot be said for those foreign fakers, I hear that my next opponent has only just entered the country to take control of the team! I'd also like to use this time to slate some of the agents in this league, i feel they lack integrity and are ruining this beautiful game but i will not comment any further for fear of reprimand."

ABS "These comments are obviously aimed at your recent purchase on the trans..."

CM "This interview is over!!"

ABS "So there we have it, obvious sour grapes from MacDonald there. Maybe he'll cheer up after the final pre-season fixture against Pirnmill Panthers this Sunday! Will the elusive manager Donny Brown make an appearance, be sure to tune in at 10am on 07.06.09 to find out."




_________________________Arran Banner Sports

2009-06-05 17:41

Victory for Thunderguy but for how much?Thursday saw the eagerly anticipated meeting between Athletico Machrie and the Thunderguy Harriers. There was plenty of hype before the game, fuelled by recent interviews in the ABS. Indeed the heated build up had led some to believe that this ‘friendly’ game held more importance than the league itself, none more so than the Harriers manager, who in an unprecedented move offered his players a win bonus. It was a move that baffled some but obviously paid dividends as Thunderguy racked up their second win of the pre-season.

We caught up with the Athletico Machrie manager who gave us his analysis.

‘We turned up to play football. Some teams travel away from home and resort to negative tactics, but we set up with an offensive strategy. Unfortunately for us we lost an early goal and that was difficult to recover from. There’s no doubt that Thuderguy have a strong defence and won’t concede many goals, but things could have been different if our strikers had performed. The rest of the team worked hard to create chances but I’m disappointed our strikers couldn’t even get a shot on target.’

ABS ‘Do you think your team perhaps lacked motivation? Unlike the Thunderguy Harriers…’

‘Playing for Athletico Machrie should be motivation enough, however if you’re referring to the fact that Thunderguy offered their players a win bonus for a friendly that’s not something I particularly feel the need to comment on, it speaks for itself, I can only assume the chicken ‘business’ in Thunderguy is thriving.’

ABS ‘Speaking of money, we notice you’ve been fairly active in the transfer market in recent days.’

‘Yes when I arrived at the club I said I wanted to build my own team and that’s what I’m doing. I’m pleased with the signings I’ve made and yesterday we captured the signature of Mihaita Rosu, breaking the APL’s transfer record.’

ABS ‘And can we expect to see any more new faces at Machrie Moor before the season starts?’

‘Possibly one other.’

ABS ‘A few players have also been shown the door. Some of your fans are questioning why Ally Yell was sacked, a decent 22 year old midfielder, why not transfer list him and bring in some Eco?’

‘Well from the outside that might seem like a rash decision, and down the line that might turn out to be true. But lets just say we had our reasons, as a club we no longer wished to have any association with the afore mentioned player.’

ABS ‘So the rumours are true?’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

ABS ‘A reliable source told us that Ally Yell was seen trotting through Whiting Bay in skimpy women’s clothing, allegedly going to try out for a rival team’s cheerleading squad?’

‘No comment.’

ABS ‘It will be certainly interesting to see if he returns to Machrie Moor on Sunday for your final pre-season match as a Nagette!’




‘For you maybe.’

ABS ‘And what are your thoughts about this game?’

‘It’s our last opportunity to experiment, but I can tell you that we’ll be going all out attack. The fans want to see the Nagette’s get well and truly pumped. …and no, before you ask we won’t be offering the players a win bonus.’

ABS ‘All the best Jobby, thanks for the time.’

2009-06-07 21:18

Glen Cloy Manager Goes AWOL!Stag do Shenanigans affect team

It may only have been a friendly game but Glen Cloy Rangers manager Chris MacDonald was unavailable for comment today following their 3-1 defeat to Pirnmill Panthers.

MacDonald was apparently spotted this weekend in the Stag do capital of Newquay in Cornwall, reported to be scouting some youth talent but allegedly spotted on a bender of epic proportions as his number 2 Chad Vader took control of the team only for them to lose.

Apperently though, several managers were involved in the event, including Panthers manager Donnyb, so it will be interesting to see what MacDonald has to say when the press finally catches up with him...

Rumour has it that the manager in question may be hospitalised due to drug abuse and alcohol, poisoning but this has yet to be confirmed by Arran Banner Sports.



Arran Ale Cup Begins 14.06.2009Harriers, Legends, Panthers & Midges Unseeded

Start date: 2009-06-14Final date: 2009-08-02 Number of teams: 10Number of rounds: 4Cup type: Two legsCup draws: Always seeding

The draw for the quarter finals will be made once the following matches are played:

2009-06-14 20:00 Thunderguy Harriers - Nags Legends 2009-06-21 20:00 Nags Legends - Thunderguy Harriers

2009-06-14 20:00 North Sannox Midges - Pirnmill Panthers 2009-06-21 20:00 Pirnmill Panthers - North Sannox Midges







______JAFFA


Everyday eventSuman Sunthorn went to the cinema to see a new film. Whilst walking through the lobby, he slid almost thirty feet across the floor, as if on ice, in a patch of butter-flavoured oil from an extra large popcorn someone had dropped! Luckily, he escaped injury and was even applauded for managing to stay on his feet!

2009-06-11 23:55

Perfect Day!!!Having just finished my 1st 90 mins of football in 3 years playing in the breakaway Arran Super League for the mighty Brodick FC who by the way destroyed Scumlash!!!!! i rushed home to see how my Rookie team from Glen Rosa fared in the inaugural game in the Arran Premier League. I was slghtly surprised to see my team siting on top. Now Rome wasn't built in a day but it feels like this is a good start to what looks like a promising team from up in the hills. Millhouse Park's atmosphere was absolutely deafening and the players responed in a real positive way. Considering the opponents from over the string managed to injure 2 of my players early on in the match the team spirit was there to grind out 2 late goals to win 3-1. Bring on the next round and hopefully Glen Rosa Ramblers will go from strength to strength.

2009-06-12 02:00

Victory...Tastes Like Chicken!!Says Rangers Manager MacDonald After First Win

The first game at Underwood Park against the unbeaten Thunderguy Harriers ended with a 2-0 victory for Glen Cloy Rangers. We caught up with MacDonald after the game:

ABS "The Gers had not won in any of their pre-season friendlies but saved their best on the big day, how satisfying was it to win your first league game against your Managerial sibling?"

CM "We simply used pre-season to work out the kinks and we knew the Harriers would be strong, especially in defence, but my new signing Mihail showed exactly why we parted with 850 000e's for him. Celso Ortiz also settled in well at the back next to Donut who was outstanding along with Fletcher as usual, but i'm shocked at the stamp by Jim Bell, surely that merited a red card?! It's not surprising that Qwiji would resort to such tactics, his managerial inexperience showed in this match."

ABS "Both Brodick based teams sit at the top of the table early on, who do see think will be your main challengers this season?"

CM "Well it could be anyone, just hopefully not that Scumlash Rovers who have shown their










hacking tactics early on. The Ramblers may have got a victory but they are simply the Brodick Celtic, having to wait until the 93rd and 94th minutes to sneak a victory!"

ABS "Nags Legends visit Underwood Park next week for game 2 of the APL. Your thoughts on the coming fixture?"

CM "I hope we play well, score some goals and pick up the points, but i'm looking forward to the visit of the Nagettes in particular... I hear Gman managed to do some recruiting from a strip club in Cornwall.... he's braver than you think!"



Stench surrounds Monkeys' gamesHoly Isle Monkeys manager Discotron was reasonably satisfied with his team's performance away at Pirnmill Sheep Field.

After playing out a two all draw against Pirnmill Panthers, the Monkeys manager only had a few gripes about the game.

"First, it was very poor defending on our part to lose the second goal - the lad had a free header! Our sending off was ridiculous and now he misses our next game. Also, their manager showed our club a complete lack of respect. It doesn't surprise me, really - he does come from Inchinnan...."

Discotron's comments follwed an eventful game where Pirnmill Panthers manager Donnyb casually entered the opposition dugout and let rip, after a boozy night out on the sauce.

"He may live, and who knows what else, with sheep, but this is the APL and behaviour like that is not acceptable. I had no option but to send out the subs to warm up. Even the club physio was wanting to warm up!"

Next up for Holy Isle Monkeys is the local derby against Benlister Rovers.

"It may be a short trip but it's not somewhere i like going. Does anybody? It's like going into the dark ages. Need the toilet? Take a spade - know what i mean? Also, from our monasterial vantage point, we see lots - they should change their name to Bendover Rovers!"

Discotron's comments are likely to upset the opposition - which is probably what he is looking for.

"I don't care much for my neighbours - apart from the stench from poorly buried poos, their manager feeds his team onion poorage - a sure fire way to knock out the opposition! Dirty tricks from a dirty team. I'll be bringing the air freshener..."

2009-06-14 20:38Thunderguy HarriersArran Premier LeagueManager: Qwijiboenator

Nagettes Violated by ChickensTodays Arran Ale Cup match between Thunderguy Harriers and Nags Legends ended with victory for the home side in a deceptively close game. We caught up with the Chicken's Chairman and sole shareholder Stuart MacDonald as he was on his way back to the dressing room with two bottles of champagne.

ABS: A good result for your boys today Stu, what are your thoughts on the match?







SM: I'm well chuffed! Those Nags boys gave us a challenge, but despite their name it would seem that we made better use of our leg-ends.

ABS: ... Are you drunk?

SM: Oh no no no! I'm just hung-over after me and the boys went partying with Wolverine, Wonder Woman, Fat Bastard and a few other mates last night.

ABS: Right...

SM: I actually ended up going home with this posh English lass called Lara - or was it Laura? - Croft, and only just made it back in time for the game.

ABS: Yes the game, do you have anything else to say on the matter?

SM: Only that I think I'll be obtaining the services of the Nagettes for the lads tonight, as it only seems fair that they get to pump them after they pumped the Leg-ends. Anyway I've got to go see a man about a dog so that's all the time I have for you I'm afraid. Toodle pip!

ABS: But what about your thoughts on the away leg next week?

SM: I dunno, you?

ABS: That's not the way an interview works I'm afraid. I can see we're going to have to stop there. Enjoy your evening.

SM: Cheers.


Nothing Athletic about Machrie!Supporters left Machrie Moor last week unhappy after the defeat to Benlister Rovers. After a promising pre-season hopes were high for the first game of the season, but a poor match resulted in more cards that than chances. Benlister capitalised on one of only 4 chances in the entire game. Athletico now face an uphill struggle as their next 3 games are away from home.

To make matters worse Athletico were subject to some dodgy dealing on the transfer market this week. Mr Jobby stated 'we signed Giles Hawkins believing he would bolster our defence considerably, but when he turned up for training he was not as skillful as his agent made out to be. Needless to say we will not be doing business again with this particular agent.'

2009-06-16 14:57

Late Night CallerHere at ABS we've been trying to track down the illusive manager of North Sannox Midges without any luck. However checking our answer service this morning said manager Sir Alan Kerr kindly contacted us in a celebratory mood for a short message and here it is in full.

AK: Hellooooooooo Helloooooooo we are the Midge boys Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooo i hate these feckin machines where is everyone ...... come on answer its only 3am why arent u working. We won we won 6- 1 6- 1 wooooooooohoooooooo ahhh ha Donny your boys took one hell of a beating one hell of a beating







wooooooooooooooo ................ right if your not going to talk to me im going tae ma bed night night. 6 - 1 GET IT RIGHT UP YAE

Today at 01:02

Spank The MonkeyBenlister Rovers had a fantastic result last week with an away win at Machrie, it was a slow game of few chances but Rovers will have come away the happier side, Maclean was unavailable for comment at the weekend as he was busy celebrating his first victory in charge, we managed to catch uo with him tonight.

ABS: First of all let me congratulate you on the victory, how did it feel?

JM: OH, fantastic, amazing!!! After all the pre-season trash talking I think we showed last week that we are not the team some people may have thought, it was a fantastic display by the boys especially the young defenders, Machrie went for it but we closed them down and took a chance, our tactics suited the game thats why we won.

ABS: So I take it you celebrated the victory in style?

JM: Oh, yeah!!!! I don`t really remember to be honest! I know I saw Chris Mac the Rangers manager at some point during the celebration and apparently there are some dodgy photos going around off me looking like a cowboy, but I am not a cowboy it makes no sense! They must be fake!!!!

ABS: Big game coming up on Thursday, the local derby with Holy Isle, how do you feel ahead of the game?

JM: Looking forward to it! Nothing brings more pleausure than spanking the monkeys especially after the slating my team got earlier in the week from their manager, my players diet is none of his concern! As least we are at home and we won't have to listen to their fans repetitive chanting.

ABS: Well Mr Maclean thanks for your time and good luck on Thursday.

JM: Thanks, no problem. Oh and I would just like to say, the paddles are out and Monkeys WILL be getting spanked!

2009-06-17 01:02Benlister RoversArran Premier LeagueManager: Tribute2johnnySpank The MonkeyBenlister Rovers had a fantastic result last week with an away win at Machrie, it was a slow game of few chances but Rovers will have come away the happier side, Maclean was unavailable for comment at the weekend as he was busy celebrating his first victory in charge, we managed to catch uo with him tonight.

ABS: First of all let me congratulate you on the victory, how did it feel?

JM: OH, fantastic, amazing!!! After all the pre-season trash talking I think we showed last week that we are not the team some people may have thought, it was a fantastic







display by the boys especially the young defenders, Machrie went for it but we closed them down and took a chance, our tactics suited the game thats why we won.

ABS: So I take it you celebrated the victory in style?

JM: Oh, yeah!!!! I don`t really remember to be honest! I know I saw Chris Mac the Rangers manager at some point during the celebration and apparently there are some dodgy photos going around off me looking like a cowboy, but I am not a cowboy it makes no sense! They must be fake!!!!

ABS: Big game coming up on Thursday, the local derby with Holy Isle, how do you feel ahead of the game?

JM: Looking forward to it! Nothing brings more pleausure than spanking the monkeys especially after the slating my team got earlier in the week from their manager, my players diet is none of his concern! As least we are at home and we won't have to listen to their fans repetitive chanting.

ABS: Well Mr Maclean thanks for your time and good luck on Thursday.

2009-06-19 15:51Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11Hooters for Whiting Bay?After a hazy weekend in Newquay followed by a Legends n Nagettes trip to Amsterdam, Nags Legends have finally kicked off their season. Whilst leaving behind the Nagettes rejects (who apparently were seized upon by the Chicken lovers), a crucial fund raising deal with Hooters was discussed over the table in a smokey Amsterdam café. More of this breaking deal later...

Team news for the upcoming match against Skank Cloy Rangers: Feck knows.


Rival Manager on a Different PlanetGman11 misses game, just who was in charge?!







In the aftermath of the recent 2-2 draw between Glen Cloy Rangers and Nags Legends we caught up with Gers manager Chris MacDonald for his thoughts on the game:

ABS "It;s early days but your team now sit top of the leag...."

CM "If I can just interrupt before you proceed, I would like to declare shenanigans on the Nags Legends! His recent statement to the press has made it perfectly clear that Gman11 was not in attendance at the match. We thought it unusual that the rival manager was wearing a Captain America costume in the dugout, we just assumed that he was a bit 'special' and it had something to do with the water in Whiting Bay or his recent scounting trip to Holland."

ABS "Ahem... both teams were fairly evenly matched and all looked good with you taking a 2-1 lead into the 2nd half, what went wrong?"

CM "Simple really, yet more dirty tricks from the Legends! Celso was all ready to make a clearance at the back when one of the Nagettes lifted her top and distracted the lad and he was unfortunate to score the og. He'll bounce back though I have total confidence in my players, unlike a certain manager who seems to enjoy belittling his players in public."

ABS "Yes next up you welcome Machrie to Underwood Park. Both teams played out a 2-2 draw in pre-season, what will you do differently this time?!

CM ".....win hopefully! And stock up on more Jaffa Cakes this time!!!"

With only two games played in the APL we've already seen dirty tricks, moaning managers, controversy and lets not forget some good football inbetween!

This weekend sees the second round of fixtures in the last 16 of the Arran Ale Cup. Thunderguy Harriers will be looking to finish of the Nagettes...er... Nags Legends and the bothersome North Sannox Midges will try and not make Pirnmill Panthers look like the worst team in the league... again!


Points shared at ThunderguyThis week saw the Thunderguy Harriers host Athletico Machrie in their first league encounter. Athletico recently lost at Thunderguy in controversial friendly but this game




thankfully provided more action on the pitch than the drab pre-season meeting.

However neither defence looked like conceeding any goals. There were some excellent individual performances. Athletico and Thunderguy players make up four-fifths of this week's xpert 11 defence.

Mr Jobby had this to say, 'The game was balanced on a knife edge. Naturally we're disappointed, as we could have won but an away point is never a bad result. Its also good to get off the mark, especially after last week's poor performance.'

Athletico's tricky run of games continues as next week they travel to Glen Cloy to face the early league leaders.

'We visted Underwood Park in the pre-season, so we have an idea of what to expect. Our strikers are due to wake up and Glen Cloy's defence can leak goals. So we go there feeling confident.'

In other news, there have been some interesting transfers of late. North Sannox Midgies broke the transfer record signing Joaquín Zamorano for 1.6m eco. However the shrewd acquistion of Percival Shipton for 350k by the Pirnmill Panthers looks like the signing of the season so far. But... it also confirms what many in the game already believe... that the Pirnmill manager is the most tight-fisted in the APL.

2009-06-21 09:46Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorStrange Soltisce ShenanigansWhile out on a Sunday Morning scouting mission round the west side of Arran I was amazed to see a few of the Arran Premier League Managers partaking in some strange Pagan rituals at the training ground of Athletico Machrie. The owner of Athletico was wearing some obscure cloak of unknown origin with a big shaft in hand and the other managers were chanting very loudly in celebration of the sun coming up!!!! Maybe they took too many of the legendary arran mushrooms and couldn't sleep or a pagan conspiracy involving the teams from the west of the Island is afoot. I for one hope that none of this will have a affect on any of the matches that are scheleded for today and the rest of this week and shall take this opportunity to warn all East Coast Managers to be on the lookout for any voddoo dolls or other witchcraft at there grounds.

2009-06-21 23:08Thunderguy HarriersArran Premier LeagueManager: QwijiboenatorNew Stadium On Its Way?







Following this evening's victory over Nags Legends, Thunderguy Harriers Football Club released the following statement:

In the wake of our advancement into the next round of the Arran Ale Cup, the Chickens are proud to announce that plans are well underway to completely upgrade our playing facilities in time for next season. Both John Corbett and John Thomson Construction have provided us with their most competeitive quotes for the vast amount of work needed to improve our grounds without removing the 45 degree slant that makes our pitch such a joy to play on, and it is our pleasure to announce that - following the intercession of John "Beacon" Corbett Jr. in the negotiations - the contract will be passed to John Corbett Construction. This is no way an indictment of John Thompson either personally or professionally, as we actually rather like their cheap as chips, cardboard-boxy, unaesthetic housing style. It was simply a matter of getting a knockdown price through knowing the Corbetts.Construction is set to begin tomorrow morning on the new open-air latrines and multi-tiered slop troughs, with seating and other facilities to be completed in the off-season.Finally, we will be running an island-wide competition to decide the name of our glorious new abode. Entries should be sent on a postcard to:

Thunderguy Harriers Super Name-a-thon Mega Bonanza Grand Prize Giveaway,A Field,The Only Thing In,ThunderguyKA27 8HP

We hope to hear from you, and Good Luck!


Monkeys and Ramblers entertain fansHoly Isle Monkeys entertained Glen Rosa Ramblers in a friendly held at the Monastery earlier on today.

A thrilling four all draw saw the Ramblers take an early two goal lead only for the Monkeys to reply with two goals before half time.

Two early second half goals for the Monkeys spurred Glen Rosa into a quick reply and a fine breakaway goal in the 92nd minute to equalise, sent the away fans home content.

At the press conference after the game, Discotron gave the impression that his team would avoid the hairdryer treatment.




"All I can say is thank goodness it was a friendly. My defence were atrocious. They'll be in after hours this week. But it was good to give a run out to some players who have yet to play this season. They performed admirably. Overall, it was good for the fans to see lots of goals and now I know what needs worked on in training - defending!"

Discotron will hope the training pays dividends in time for their next match against big spenders Thunderguy Harriers, the strongest team in the league.

"They may have a strong squad and will definitely be competing at the end of the season, but it is also an aging squad and hopefully my younglings will be able to take advantage of this."

Discotron will be hoping the force is strong with his side come Thursday.


Arran Ale Cup Quarter Final DrawIn yesterdays 2nd leg games of the last 16 both Thunderguy Harriers and North Sannox Midges made it through to the Arran Ale Cup Quarter Finals. The Harriers got a good result away at Sandbraes Park while the Panthers win at home was not enough to claw back the 5 goal deficit from the first leg.

2009-06-21 Nags Legends 0 - 1 Thunderguy HarriersThunderguy win 4-1 on aggregate.

2009-06-21 Pirnmill Panthers 2 - 1 North Sannox MidgesNorth Sannox win 7-3 on aggregate.

Today the draw for the Quarter Finals of the Arran Ale Cup took place.

2009-06-28 20:00 North Sannox Midges - Athletico Machrie2009-06-28 20:00 Benlister Rovers - Shiskine Stormers2009-06-28 20:00 Holy Isle Monkeys - Glen Cloy Rangers2009-06-28 20:00 Thunderguy Harriers - Glen Rosa Ramblers

2009-07-05 20:00 Athletico Machrie - North Sannox Midges2009-07-05 20:00 Shiskine Stormers - Benlister Rovers2009-07-05 20:00 Glen Cloy Rangers - Holy Isle Monkeys2009-07-05 20:00 Glen Rosa Ramblers - Thunderguy Harriers

2009-06-26 00:27Thunderguy Harriers





Arran Premier LeagueManager: QwijiboenatorUn-Buddhist BehaviourFollowing their 2-2 draw with the Holy Isle Monkeys this evening, Harriers manager Qwijiboenator lambasted fellow manager Discotron's tactics during the post-match press conference:

"I am absolutely incensed - excuse the pun - with the Monkey's tactics tonight. I had always believed those Buddhist boys to be the very epitome of good sporting conduct, however, after watching the replays of the apparent "foul" which resulted in our first goal being disallowed, I can only think that they either managed to beg enough money around Lamlash to bribe the referee, or they have some ex-Shakespearian actors living in that monastery. That wasn't even the worst of the cheating - poor Jim bell took six studs to the goolies while the ball was out of play and I don't think anyone except me even noticed. Excepting Jim of course."

When asked if there were any positives to take from the match, Qwijiboenator perked up somewhat:

"I have to say that I am extremely impressed with our newest signing Orlando Burzgorg, and the man of the match award really was no less than he deserved. Also our midfield is starting to gel more, and I am especially sad for Bjork that such obvious cheating cost him what was a fantastic goal, and a spectacular celebration. That boy could be a pop star if he wasn't a footballer."

Qwijiboenator left the conference with an enigmatic final statement for Discotron:

"Karma dude, I'm sure I don't need to say anything else. Just Karma..."

_______________________________________________________________________________Arran Banner Sport


Gers & Athletico In Bore DrawBoth Teams Evenly Matched Again

In the 3rd league game of the season Glen Cloy Rangers met Athletico Machrie and






served up another draw in a game worth skimming over then quickly forgetting about. Archie Scaleman headed Machrie ahead on 12mins before Ally Fletcher was cynically brought down in the box on 19mins and converted the penalty. The 2nd half was completely forgettable, possibly due to a spiking incident involving some Stoners during the interval.

CM "Well you summed that up nicely, shall we move on??"

ABS "The draw puts you down in 4th place with the free-scoring Midges now top and your next league opponent the Ramblers 2nd, how will your team respond to this disrespectful turn of events?"

CM "I prefer to take it one game at a time and focus on our next match against the Holy Isle Junkies, who seem to have been watching the Lamlash kick-them-off-the-park style of play from their sordid chapel on the hill! I'll be expecting some rough treatment but we'll be ready for them!"

ABS "This week you cut Allen Haddow and brought in Midfielder Glen Hamilton, your shaking up of the squad continues."

CM "It does and if any other players don't give me 100% then they are cut too! Glen will strengthen our midfield and at least give Super Ally someone else to play a one-two with! Expect more cuts before the season is over..."

The Gers visit the The Monastery of sin this Sunday in the AA Cup in what will hopefully be a much more enthralling game of football than we saw at Underwood Park this week...


Rangers 1 - 1 AthleticoReferee Luke Bribe has a lot to answer for. His decision on Thursday night ultimately robbed Athletico Machrie of a deserved victory.

Archibald Scaleman put Machrie into the lead on the 12th minute with a fantastic header after some slick wing play. However the dubious penalty decision 7 minutes later handed the home side a life-line. Alistair Fletcher slotted home the controversial penalty and Rangers managed to hold on for a point.




An irritated looking Mr Jobby said after the match: 'Glen Cloy were lucky to get in at half-time level. In the second half both sides cancelled each other out. But if we had finished the first half ahead, we would have left Underwood Park with all three points.'

Next week Athletico continue their tricky run of away matches. Still looking for that elusive first win, they go to the Holy Island to face the chanting Monkeys, who on thursday blew their own chance to go top of the league.

But before then they must travel to North Sannox to meet the Midgies in the Cup. Athletico has the best defensive record this season while the Midgies have been scoring freely. Something has to give and it makes for an intriguing cup tie.


Monkeys manager rejects opponents' gibesHoly Isle Monkeys manager Discotron today responded to gibes from several other clubs within the APL, who seem to allege that the Monkeys are a team that utilise dirty tricks in order to achieve results.

"We seem to have received a lot of bad press recently and to be honest, i think it is unfounded. As i've said before, if u want dirty tricks then Benlister Rovers are the team you need to speak to."

In a personal response to Qwijiboenator's remarks, Discotron retorted - "We perform many good deeds during the week and when the match comes along, well, it's a good way to vent any frustrations that are lingering within our squad. Football is an emotional game and i'm not going to ask my players to change their style of play. That would lessen their performance. It's simple, if the players don't accept what i'm telling them, which is the best way in which they will improve as a player, then they will be put on the transfer list."

Discotron continued, "Qwijiboenator's view of the game is obviously from a manager who doesn't have a clue. The stats speak for themselves. We should have won that game. We outclassed them both in possession and chances and if it wasn't for a poor performance from our goalie then Thundergay would have had a miserable journey home."

Discotron also wanted to alleviate any fears that his team raised funds inappropiately.

"Whatever way we manage to raise funds is our business and our accounts are open for other clubs to view. Our tactics are within the law and suitable for the current squad of players. Nobody remembers tactics, just the result. We will endeavour to work our way up the league and apply whatever strategies are required to move up the league."




Next up for the Holy Isle Monkeys in the APL, is a visit from Athletico Machrie, who have proven to be a hard team to score against. Discotron only had this to say:

"With the Stoners visiting the Buddhist Boys, it will be one hell of a trip!"

Prior to the next league game agaist Athletico, Holy Isle Monkeys will play the first leg of their Arran Ale Cup tie against Glen Cloy Rangers, who visit the Monastery. Discotron refused to answer queuries that his team's tactics are based on the legendary Rangers team that made their way to the Uefa cup final and only had this to say:

"I will be deploying tactics worthy of a two-legged tie. No goals at home and a sneaky away goal would surely be enough to see us through to the next round. I will arrange my team accordingly."

It's sure to be a proper cup tie with many chances and, for Discotron, hopefully a win against a team who have yet to lose in the APL.

2009-06-28 17:23Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorRosa Ready For AleThe Ramblers are ready for a away fixture today in there maiden game in the cup. A difficult match away from home against Thundergay. The older Rosa fans were seen leaving earlier on in the day today so they could take advantage of the OAP special lunch buffett at the Catacol Bay Hotel before heading to the game at the still unnamed stadium. Hopefully the team will have their focus on the game today and not the Battle Of Brodick coming up on Thursday. With Thursdays game on my mind, today is a day to great day for the youngsters to get some valuable match experience and hopefully they will being showing some of there potential skills.

2009-06-29 16:51Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11Hit Parade ahoy!Following an unexpected exit from the 'Diddies Cup', Nags Legends et al have been working hard on their new team song. The team and entourage have been seen frequenting a local recording studio over the last few days. When asked about whether rumours that the song was based on 'Who Let the Dogs Out' by the highly credible 'Baha Men' , the team captain's reply was 'No Comment'. Further information to follow.

As for recent on the pitch news, "urm er, next question" is all that could be reported.







2009-06-29 19:27North Sannox MidgesArran Premier LeagueManager: KerrangerMidges Willie Thacker hits outWillie Thacker has accused Athletico Machrie of playing "anti-football" in the 1-1 game at The Rockpools and warned they will suffer at Machrie Moor.

North Sannox Midges dominated for large spells in the cup match but only managed to break down a stubborn Athletico defence once.

MrJobby's side held on for the draw which gives them an important away goal ahead of the return leg in a week's time.

While Athletico Machrie were thrilled with the draw, Thacker was less than impressed by the tactics employed by the away team.

"It's incredible. Athletico didn't want to play football," he said.

"They practiced anti-football from the first minute and it's a shame we couldn't take victory because we created a good number of chances. We just didn't put them away.

"I think that when we go to the Moor everything is going to be very different."

"We need to find a solution for breaking down a team who close down so much, but I don't believe we will come across many teams who play this way."

Meanwhile, Steven McMutton believes the stalemate was not a disastrous result, especially so soon after Midges won at Pirnmill Pussies before the weekend.

McMutton is also confident of taking the win when North Sannox Midges play Athletico Machrie away.

"We had possession and weren't in any danger apart from one set piece error but we caused a lot of danger for Athletico Machrie," he said.

"We had a very tough game in the league at the pussy cat dolls or whatever their called so to then come here and play was tough but now we have one game away and hopefully we can do the job and qualify."





Midges stung by AthleticoThis weekend saw the North Sannox Midges host Athletico Machrie in the Arran Ale Cup. The Midges took the lead in the 21st minute through Stuart Derek only for Athletico to immediately equalise. Jeremy Lawson headed home what looked like a well rehearsed corner move.

After the match the Midges outspoken striker Willie Thacker accused the away team of 'anti-football'. Mr Jobby had the following to say -

'I think Willie Thacker has lost the plot. I mean, how can a team be accused of playing anti-football when they have all three strikers on the pitch?? I'm sorry we didn't allow the Midges to play their game, but I call that 'tactical' football - and it looks like we got our tactics spot on.'

'The tie is far from over but we fancy our chances. The Midges have the strongest offence in the league but they seem to be a one dimensional team, and when a team out smarts them their only response is to whinge and moan. In fact they remind me very much another infamously one dimensional team - Glasgow Celtic - and I'm sure their away form will be equally dire.'

2009-07-01 13:00Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybWhere have you been?“DonnyB can you explained your prolonged absence from the board?”

“Do you think I’m going to answer a stupid question like that? This interviews over. Turn that #$%##$% camera off!”








Reports Of Trouble During Derby Build-upTension Builds Before Brodick Teams Clash!

The excitment has reached fever pitch before the first all-Brodick derby tonight when Glen Cloy Rangers visit Glen Rosa Ramblers at Millhouse Park for what many expect to be an exciting game as the teams meet for the first time in the APL.

Police have reported several arrests outside Millhouse Park, at the beach, in Glen Rosa.... as fans going to the game ended up sitting about all day in the sun drinking! The first signs of trouble came when chants of "There's only one team in Brodick!" and "The summer is over... why don't you go home... to New Zealand!" were heard coming from several Glen Cloyals enjoying a dip in the Blue Pools.

Ramblers fans and a small group of well known Red Rose Ultras were on the path down from Goatfell and immediately attacked the Gers fans! Police stepped in only when it was pointed out that Manager's Smegor and Djchrismac were somehow right in the middle of the mayhem!!

After being taken away to safety things setlled down again. Both clubs have yet to issue a statement on the incident but the build up to the big game continues regardless. Tune in a week on Friday when you can finally read a report on the match, only in your weekly Arran Banner Sports Section!

2009-07-05 22:26Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorMore Fighting Breaks Out At OrmidaleMore fighting between rival supporters was reported in the Dale on Saturday night after a DJ performance from Glen Cloys Manager on the wheels of steel!!!

After playing his party classic ABBA'S "Take a chance" half of the glasshouse shouted out "they already have and you will be out of a job in 2 weeks" You could see the DJ was worrying about his next selection so pullled out the glen rosa fans favourite song "Daydream Believer" by the Monkeys and the Ramblers fans found it funny to change the words to the chorus which started off a fight down in the Main bar which spread like wild fire!!! 3 stabbings and 22 broken chairs later the fights were stopped by an offer of







a free drink to all involved by Tommy G.

Reports coming through Brodick revealed that it was a second victory for the team from Glen Rosa in a week against their bitter rivals.

Also i can exclusively reveal that last night was the last ever DJ set from DJ Chris Mac and it looks like he will have to get a proper second job to pay for his Hair Products and Tanning Salon Visits.


Discotron happy to be back on trackAfter a nightmare result at home against Athletico Machrie in the APL, the Monkeys managed to get the result they needed to progress in the Arran Ale Cup, by defeating Glen Cloy Rangers one nil away after a two all draw in the first leg.

A solid performance from a team who were at sixes and sevens in their previous match not only saw them progress into the next round but appeased the fans who had been asking questions of their manager after the lacklustre performance against Machrie.

"The Buddhist Boys are a hard bunch to please. I can understand their frustration but the defeat was the first in our history. I'm happy with the way the team responded today. Another defeat and i would have been worried how my players would react. We can go into our next APL game against Glen Cloy Rangers with confidence" said the Monkeys' manager.

The Holy Isle Monkeys entertain Glen Cloy Rangers for a ridiculous fourth time this season and Discotron will be hoping that his undefeated record against Rangers continues.


Stoners spank the MonkeysThis week will go down as one of the better weeks in Athletico Machrie's short history.

On Thursday night the Stoners rowed across to that mysterious island which overlooks







the shanty town of Lamlash. On arrival many of the away fans questioned whether the Holy Island Monkeys really have the transport links to support a 98,000 seater stadium.

However the travel arrangements were soon forgotten as Athletico Machrie hammered 3 past the home side without reply.

A few days later Athletico finally returned to Machrie Moor to host the North Sannox Midges in the quarter finals of the Arran Ale Cup. Many of the Stoners had forgotten what their own stadium looks like, not just because of their poor short term memory, but also because there last 4 games had been on the road.

Athletico handed out their second 3-0 drubbing within a week. A match which they dominated and earned MrJobby the APL manager of the week award.

'It's been a good week. I'm pleased the team has finally started scoring. Its given the players a massive boost, but its important that we carry that momentum into this week's match against our local rivals, the Shiskine Stormers.'


Derby Shock & Cup Exit For Gers!Bad week for Glen Cloy, Manager Slated in Press!

With a 2-1 loss at Millhouse Park against rivals the Ramblers, the Gers manager Chris Mac has hit out at Glen Rosa and club manager Smegor:

CM "It was a disgrace that game, I mean an own goal on 69 just summed it up and we also lost one of our best players. Ok there were a fair few knocks for them too but the ref was card happy it was a derby! As for the comments in the press by Smegor regarding the 'Dale incident, I can confirm that it was in fact my apprentice Nacho Burrito who was DJ'ing when trouble started and the hair gel bought by the club is mainly for him, although this cash came from the recent investment in Glen Cloy by the board. It sounds like jealousy from a hairy hobo who rarely comes out of his hut in the woods unless rambling for mushrooms..."

ABS "You've signed a new keeper this week, is this a reaction to the Liam Yole incident?"

CM "Yes and he has been transfer listed for his idiocracy, case closed. Miki is a keeper




i'm excited about and once he learns Engrish he'll settle in. He will have his debut this week against the Monkeys as we once again launch the canoes and trek to the Monastery, thankfully for the last time this season!"

ABS "Holy Isle put you out of the cup, how will you motivate the team for this weeks league game?"

CM "We'll be watching Shaolin Soccer and learning some of their moves, failing that i'd actually like the lads to show up for a second half just for once this season....apart from super Ally who's been outstanding, must be the name!"

Tune in this week for more exciting APL Football in the Arran Banner Sport section and catch up with all the managers' recent shenanigans in News from the Blues!____________________________________Arran Banner Sport

2009-07-07 15:51Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybDonnyb slates his players!Donnyb has come out publically and slated his players for not trying hard enough. “There’s too many players in this squad who spend too much time at Nags. I’ve heard the stories, I’ve heard about a certain team member waking up in a ditch with his scooter on top of him. Well it won’t be happening anymore and if I catch any of them at Shiskine Valley Sports day there will be big trouble.”

In another controversial move he also slated the league administration. “He’s a joke. He could not run a small knock off shop. Although if he wants advice on doing that he should speak to Gman. He has plenty of experience.”

He then went on to talk about improving his team. “It’s an ongoing process. We want some of the older players to move on but they’re so attached to Pirnmill and the palm trees etc it’s hard to get them to leave. In the end I’ll just sack them and replace them with quality. It’s hard finding decent players as well. There’s some awful agents on the scene. I’m pretty sure Mr Jobby is doubling as an agent as well.”

Look out for next week’s exclusive where Donny reveals the dark underbelly of football on Arran.








Language BarrierAfter a see-saw week in which they were put out of the cup, but managed their first league victory this season, Thunderguy Harriers forward Orlando Burzgorg spoke to Arran Banner Sports about, well, we're not quite sure...

ABS: Orlando, it's a pleasure to finally get to speak with you.

OB: Vho ir yew?

ABS: I'm from Arran Banner Sports, the island's premier sporting reporting outfit!

OB: Ah! Vhot iz reeparting? Iz tat vhen yew takk de cheeken und putt eet in de booum-place?

ABS: ... no no no, we're here to talk to you about this weeks games.

OB: Ah! Mennie apologees, I an steel leraning zeze A-ran coostums vot my niu teem maites shoue mi seence I com hiire.

ABS: Not a problem, not a problem. Hang on, does that mean..?

At this point, we were instructed by Orlando's agent that the interview was over and were forcefully removed from his seaside bungalow, with orders never to seek an interview with him again, as he would only speak to the Arran Voice from here on out.

A strange end to a strange week in Thunderguy, but rest assured that we will be following up this story just as soon as we can catch hold of Qwijiboenator for comment. His secretary informs us that he is "unavailable due to unforseen concerns until after Thursday's league game against the Midges."

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Arran Banner Sports

2009-07-09 19:28Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11Unhappy HourDuring these challenging financial times that we are faced with, its hit the Nags Legends squad even harder. Their local hostelry (Nags) has introduced 'Unhappy Hour' between 10.30pm to 11.30pm every Friday night - where their favourite tipple, Galliano, is double in price. When asked if this would adversely affect performances on the pitch, the Legends spokesman replied "You are worried about match performance... when




Galliano prices are going through the roof? Get a grip mate!"


Arran Ale Cup Semi FinalsFixtures announced, only 4 teams left!

This weeks games saw Stoners swatting Midges, Rovers weathering the Stormers, Monkeys sneaking past Rangers and Ramblers thrashing some Chickens... only in the APL!!

The fixtures for the Semi Finals start with a Lamlash Bay derby of epic anti-football proportions between Benlister Rovers and Holy Isle Monkeys while the other game features two of the leagues form teams Glen Rosa Ramblers and Athletico Machrie which promises to be Keegan-esque:

2009-07-12 Benlister Rovers - Holy Isle Monkeys2009-07-12 Athletico Machrie - Glen Rosa Ramblers

2009-07-19 Holy Isle Monkeys - Benlister Rovers2009-07-19 Glen Rosa Ramblers - Athletico Machrie

______JAFFA

2009-07-12 21:14Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorDisappointing First Leg Set BackThe Ramblers were terrible tonight in the 1st leg of the Arran Ale Cup losing to the pagan mob from Machrie. I was hoping the Machrie players were going to be tired and hungover after yesterdays Sheepskine Valley Sports Day but they were the better team and deserved to win. Joseph Tunnock missing a penalty for the ramblers didn't help but i will have to go back to the drawing board for the next leg. I still think my team should be in with a chance at home considering our 100% record at the fortress in the Glen Rosa Basin.








Chris Mac Hits Back At Donnyb!!Rangers Manager Stokes Fire Before Basement Battle

Following on from yesterdays 3-0 friendly loss to North Sannox while the other games in the Diddy Cup were played, Glen Cloy manager Chris Mac has criticised Pirnmill gaffer Donnyb for his lack of integrity.

CM "First I would like to point out that the league administration does an admirable job for the APL but their life isn't made easy by managers who spend more time racking up airmiles than on the training pitch...!"

ABS "You lost 3-1 to the Panthers during pre-season, can your young team get a result against the bottom team to help keep some distance from them?"

CM "...and another thing he talks about exposing the seedy underbelly of Arran Football? He's the goddamn mafia goon running it ffs, everyone knows that! I heard he was spotted at Shiskine Valley Sports day selling drugs to young kids and after telling his players they had better not turn up!"

ABS "Pirnmill are without Sheringham up front for the match, can you take advantage and get a vital 3 points?"

CM "Have you seen how well my strikers have been playing?! I'm ready to sack all of them and pull on some shorts myself..."

A win on thursday will put Glen Cloy back in the pack and leave the Panthers struggling at the foot of the table, stark contrast to the other foreign manager Gman11 who's team are on form despite numerous off field incidents involving players, night clubs, hookers, galliano, cheerleaders, assorted fruit...

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Job Half DoneLast night Athletico Machrie took a significant step towards the inaugural final of the Arran Ale Cup. A 2-0 victory at home over the Glen Rosa Ramblers puts them in a strong position to progress, although their manager is not taking anything for granted.

‘It was a good result following our disappointing draw in the league. However the Ramblers are flying high this season and you’d be foolish to write them off. It was important not to concede at home, hopefully we can grab a goal at Millhouse Park and put the tie beyond reach.’


Monkeys excel in cup tieHoly Isle Monkeys produced their best performance of the season to clinch a 3-1 victory in the first leg of their semi-final tie against Benlister Rovers away at Kenny Bones Field. The Monkeys will hope that they have done enough to secure a place in the final of the Arran Ale Cup but manager Discotron was quick to shy away from such talk.

"It's only half-time and therefore the job is only half done. Another performance like that though would surely be enough to see us into the final. But we must keep our heads down this week and continue our strict training regime which has seen a marked improvement in the team's overall form. Some of the players don't like it and that's fine - it means i'm doing my job correctly. I'm not here to make friends..." said a single-minded Discotron.

Next up for the Holy Isle Monkeys is a tough trip away to Shiskine Stormers in the next round of the APL.

"I don't know much about them so i will be bringing along our spices and herbs for them to try before the game and relying on our travelling Buddhist Boys to do their usual and unsettle the home team with our shameful, religious chants" added Discotron.

The Monkeys' manager would surely prefer to outfox the Stormers tactically rather than relying on outside influences, but would take a win in any circumstance..







2009-07-14 13:48Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybExclusive interview with DonnyABS “So what’s your thoughts on the season so far?”

D “My players have to take a long hard look at themselves. They’re playing like Celtic”

ABS “How are you going to approach your next game?”

D “Do you really think I’m going to answer a question like that?”

ABS “Are you going to be making anymore movement in the transfer market?”

D “What do you think? That’s another stupid question! Hey Archie come over here and listen to the stupid questions this wee idiot’s asking!”

ABS “I’m only asking…”

D “We’ll don’t”

ABS “You’re next game is against Glen Cloy Rangers. You’ve recently been attacked in the press by their manager. Do you have any comments?”

D “We’ll first off I can’t help the fact I have to travel a lot. It comes with being important. I’m off on a fact finding mission to Ireland very soon so Archie will be taking charge of the team for our next game.”

ABS “You won’t be in charge???”

D “Yes it’s pretty common these days”

ABS “Do you have a message for Chris Mac after his accusations in the papers about YOU running the seedy underbelly of Arran?”

D “I can’t really comment on that. It’s in the hands of…”

ABS “Your Lawyers?”

D “Don’t interrupt me again! It’s in the hands of Gman”

ABS “Gman?”

D “Are you deaf? This interview’s over. Idiot”




2009-07-17 14:08Thunderguy HarriersArran Premier LeagueManager: QwijiboenatorThunderguy Strike OutFollowing yesterday's defeat at home to Nags Legends, Harriers head honcho Qwijiboenator was understandably quite miffed. We met up with him this afternoon to discuss his teams worsening situation.

ABS: Afternoon Qwiji, how's things?

Q: Are you freaking kidding me? I just watched another goalless game in which my forwards could do nothing better than stand about picking their bloody arses and tieing their laces! Seriously, four goals in six games! We've scored less than bloody Pirnmill! The only reason we've picked up any points is because our midfield are performing better in front of goal than our strikers...

ABS: So how will you be fixing this situation?

Q: After last night's game I sat down with all of my forwards and told them in no uncertain terms that I would be firing one of them per game if this slump continues. As a show of my seriousness about this (and to hopefully give him a kick up the arse) I have transfer listed Jim Bell.

ABS: Your highest scorer? That's either a very bold or very stupid move...

Q: Probably both.... Or all three. But you forget that yes he has netted three times for us, but two of them were in pre-season, and he's been leading this shuffle of apathy and over-confidence with his talk of being the "Super-greatest-awesome-face-extrordinaire-McKickass" and comparing himself day in, day out to Diego Maradonna... Frankly it wears thin after the first few minutes.

ABS: And if you do sell all your forwards, what then?

Q: I've already got some hot transfer targets lined up, as well as some very eager lads itching to prove themselves in the youth team. And frankly, you could play our bloody chickens up front and get a better goals to games ratio...

ABS: Any final words about any positives you could take from this situation?

Q: No, frankly. I think I'm going to go and have a lie down. If I don't see at least two goals next Thursday, I'm going to need the energy to do some serious arse kicking.

ABS:Thanks for your time.

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Arran Banner Sports

2009-07-19 22:21Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorBollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks!3 loses in a trot for Glen Rosa and there is a bit of sinking feeling at Millhouse Park. I will have to go back to basics in the next few games to try and get back into a rhythm of winning. Also i feel a couple of quality signings before the 2nd half of the season is needed to get the momentum going again. Am starting to feel the heat a bit from the supporters in the street but top of the table is still not too bad, a minor bad patch is maybe what these players need to shift there arses in gear. Well hopefully winning ways start again on Thursday!


Gers Thrash PanthersPirnmill Rooted To Bottom Of Table

Glen Cloy Rangers moved up to 6th place with a 3-0 demolishing of the lacklustre Panthers this week. Goals from Fletcher, Hamilton and Huian sealed the win at Underwood Park and leaves Pirnmill with 1 point after 6 games, a shocking bad start to the season.

Glen Cloy Manager Chris Mac had this to say:

"It was a great performance and although we were kicked off the park by those north west of the island sheep shaggers we were too strong at home and put away our chances well."

Next up for the Gers are form team Shiskine Stormers who visit Underwood Park with hopes of taking top spot. Whether they can tarnish the Gers unbeaten home record remains to be seen. Pirnmill Panthers face Benlister Rovers at home where they will no doubt be kicked off the park and left even further behind in the standings!








Machrie And Monkeys To Play In FinalMrJobby To Face Discotron For Arran Ale Cup!

Athletico Machrie will play the Holy Isle Monkeys over two legs in the first ever Arran Ale Cup final. Holy Isle managed to shake off their anti-football tag and dispose of Benlister Rovers with a 4-0 thrashing at home to win 7-1 on aggregate. Athletico Machrie defeated Glen Rosa Ramblers 2-1 away, following their solid 2-0 home win, to make it a 4-1 aggregate score.

The first game sees the Monkeys at home with Machrie having home advantage for the second final, which of these teams have the overall advantage remains to be seen. Extra time and penalties will decide the outcome if everything is all square at the end of the second match.

Both managers have a fierce rivalry already in the APL and will fight it out for bragging rights and the first piece of silverware this season, the beautiful Arran Ale Cup, which can apparently hold 6.9 litres of alcohol!!

Arran Ale Cup Final Fixtures:

2009-07-26 20:00 Holy Isle Monkeys - Athletico Machrie

2009-08-02 20:00 Athletico Machrie - Holy Isle Monkeys

______JAFFA


Monkeys continue cup runHoly Isle Monkeys got back to winning ways with a fine four nil thrashing against favourite opponents Benlister Rovers in the second leg of the Arran Ale Cup semi-final at The Monastery and now face old adversaries and nightmare opponent Atheltico Machrie in the final after their comfortable victory over Glen Rosa Ramblers.

"We'll need to be at our best to win over the two legs and not so tactically naive as we were when we last played Athletico. The question is whether to go for it at home in the







first leg and try and win the tie there and then or cancel out Athletico's play and hopefully score an away goal. These are tactics that we'll try to figure out on the training field over the next few days" added Discotron.

Discotron continued "I'm glad that we managed to score a few goals and give the players some much needed confidence after our disappointing defeat away to Shiskine Stormers. To lose it after being two nil was hard to swallow. Luckily i had some prescription drugs that weren't..."

Holy Isle Monkeys next face the North Sannox Midges in the APL and will be looking to remain in the chasing pack and for a few other results to go their way too...

2009-07-22 16:53Shiskine StormersArran Premier LeagueManager: Stormchasermissing money!shiskine stormers manager watson today revealed that the club has been missing out on much needed funds.

press: so youve just discovered that you have missed out on money this season?

watson: yes i have,if you stupid people in the press or the league officials had told me i would be paid for giving a press release every week i would have done so!

press:so your now goingto speak to us regularly?

watson:i intend to,200000 a week is not to be sniffed at for some poxy interview

press: moving on,how do you think your team are faring at the moment?

watson: we,re doing ok,had some good results and some bad and was very pleased with our fightback in the last match,after being 2 down we decided to play and in the end won comfortably

press: any news on the transfer front?

watson:we.ve got some irons in the fire and are watching a few players at the moment but no approach has been made

press: so to your next match, glen cloy rangers,how do you think it will go?

watson: we'll use our usual approach and have an attacking formation and tactics,we're at home its what the fans expect.....as long as we score more than them we'll be ok




with this comment watson up and left without giving us a reason why he has never attended any of the matches his team have played.....suspicious we think!

2009-07-22 17:56Benlister RoversArran Premier LeagueManager: Tribute2johnnyRovers M.I.A in cup semi.Benlister Rovers manager John Maclean has today come forward slating his players poor performance in the cup. His team had traveled across the water on Sunday to try and overturn a 3-1 deficit after being beaten at home the previous week! It didn't happen!!!! The first half hour of the game was slow and Rovers failed to display the same attacking flair they had shown against Glen Rosa midweek. Then on the half hour mark Holy Isle broke the deadlock and so began the humping. We caught up with Maclean earlier today at the Arran High training complex for a few quick words.

ABS: So your views on Sundays defeat? Your biggest since you took charge! and a 7-1 aggregate score.... not good eh?

JM: screw you guy whats your problem?! anyway yeah I'm raging with my players, to be honest I wasn't sure if half of them turned up, I nearly phoned the police, filed for missing persons! I always new it was going to be a hard game to win but to go into a derby match and play so badly just isn't good enough! I will be expecting much more from my players tomorrow when we play Pirnmill, they're rooted at the bottom just now so will probably be looking for a win but I'm confident if my boys lay of the Special Brew and play to their strengths it should be a walk in the park!

Rovers take on Pirnmill tomorrow in what should be an interesting game with both teams looking to win. Tune in tomorrow at 19:00 for the APL match of the day highlights!


Slater to make long awaited returnTonight will see the return of one league's most valuable defenders. Jordan Slater made a hugely impressive start to the season but it was cut short by a less than holy monkey.

He has spent an agonising month on the sidelines. Athletico's defence suffered as a







result of his absence. He watched helplessly as Shiskine scored an early goal in the local derby but he was overcome with emotion as his team mates battled past the Ramblers to reach the Arran Ale cup final.

‘The prospect of facing the Monkey’s in the final has spurred me on, it’s been hard being out the team but I’m looking forward to tonight’s game against the Nag’s Legends. Hopefully 90 minutes under my belt will help me get back my match fitness in time for the final.’

Tonight’s game against the Nag’s Legends couldn’t have come at a better time for Athletico. The opposing manager is now under the thumb of marriage and is currently AWOL. Athletico will be hoping to take full advantage and continue their steady climb up the APL.

Today at 02:23Holy Isle MonkeysArran Premier LeagueManager: Discotron

Monkeys' poor league form continuesHoly Isle Monkeys manager was left fuming after another defeat, this time away to North Sannox Midges in the latest round of the APL. A dubious freekick decision which led to the only goal of the game was just one of many issues Discotron had with the game and overall performance of his team.

"Dodgy decision?!! You're damn right it was! The lad had already lost the ball. That referee just didn't want the game to flow at all and any chances and passing movement we had were always cut short by that damn ref. The game is hard enough without people like Constance Paine adding to it. The game never really got started and i feel for the fans" said a disconsolate Discotron.

The waiting press had to do a double check as they thought they were at a Glen Cloy Rangers press conference, with djchrismac making a name for himself slating the match officials at every opportunity.

Discotron was also at a loss to account for his team's yoyo performances, adding "The consistency shown by my team in recent matches is alarming. I might have to impose a few curfews to the players. Something has to change. But fair play to the Midges, Kerranger had a gameplan and stuck to it and got the reward he deserved."

The final of the Arran Ale Cup awaits Discotron in his next match and he will be hoping their impressive cup form continues and ultimately brings some silverware back to the Monastery - the true home of football.

"Athletico Machrie are flying at the moment and every single one of my players will have to perform to the top of their ability if they want a winners medal. I know they will




be up for it. They've just had a downer and here comes the upper...." declared Discotron.

Holy Isle Monkeys play Atheltico Machrie at The Monastery on Sunday evening in the first leg of the final. A record attendance is expected.

Today at 14:05Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybWe’re building for the futureWe managed to get an exclusive with the panthers part time manager Donnyb after the draw with Benlister Rovers.

ABS – So you’ve still not got that elusive win.

D – Yeah well. We’re building for the future. We’ve a really young team and in Donny Brown we have a genuine star in the making.

ABS – You rate him that highly?

D – Did you see that performance and free kick? I predict in a couple of years people will be talking about him as the potential greatest footballer ever.

ABS – High praise indeed. What did you make of Benlister Rovers?

D – First off was that sarcasm? Don’t you get cheeky again or we’ll be having more words and I’ll invite Archie along this time. Second off Benlister Rovers are a bunch of hammer throwing binman. Most of their players make Ross Tokley look like Zidane. Their tactics are woeful. We’re trying to play a nice progressive style and this bunch of clowns turn up and just park the bus.

ABS – That’s quite a cutting statement.

D – I mean every word of it.

Today at 15:40Thunderguy HarriersArran Premier LeagueManager: QwijiboenatorBurgzorg Should Not Be Allowed in Goals.After another woeful performance yesterday, Thunderguy Harriers are in desperate need of a win. We caught up with Qwiji to discuss his team's underperformance, and why he played a striker in goals...







Q: Let me just start by saying that it was in no way my intention to put Orlando in goal after Brodie's injury. I was busy off buying a hotdog at one of Glen Rosa's many insensibly placed convenience stalls when the incident occurred and, well, let's just say I'm having doubts about letting my assistant manager make his decisions using a dartboard and a chicken...

ABS: Not that it made much difference really, seeing as you were two one down anyway.

Q: Aye, I messed up tactically there. I decided to play the offside trap all game and forgot how sleekit those Brodick boys can be. To say nothing of the linesmen's awful track record. I won't be making that mistake again.

ABS: Almost halfway through the season now, and your boys look to be in deep trouble - only one win and a meagre return of five goals in seven games. Who's getting the sack this week?

Q: I think you'll find I've already sold Jim Bell - which has given the rest of the lads the willies I can tell you.

ABS: And how do you plan on getting out of this perilous situation?

Q: The same way I do every time. I'll be taking a long hard look at my tactics and squad selection for a very much winable game at home to Pirnmill next week. Also I intend to get a replacement for Jim Bell in a week or two - some of the local farmers are having a whip-around, as well as a jumble sale, and will also be auctioning off a metric shitload of pedigree chickens to some foreign businessmen with very odd tastes to see if we can't get our hands on some real talent. Whether we do it the Man City or Man United way will depend on the transfer market though.

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Today at 15:51Shiskine StormersArran Premier LeagueManager: Stormchaserthe grey clouds are gatheringwe caught up with stormers manager,watson, in the cold light of day after another drubbing this time at the hands of glen cloy

abs- you seem very agitated today after last nights result?

watson- yes i am,i'm f*uckin ragin! it was another poor 10 mins at the end of the game has cost us again,that and also the fact that my captain,playmaker and leader of the team




got injured yesterday trying to make his lunch....you couldnt make it up!

abs-did this disrupt your preparations?]watson- just a bit! i had to change tactics,formation and personel 10 mins before kick off,all cause he cut his finger making food! and then hands in a sick line for 5 weeks!!!! it may well be the last time he plays for me!

abs-in alll the games you have lost this season you have conceded 2 or more goals in the last ten mins after leading all of the match

watson- yes we have,my players think a game only lasts 80 feckin mins! unless we sort the problem soon we have no chance of winning the title

with this watson left the media conference mumbling how he is going to hire home helps for his players to avoid any more food related disasters

Today at 19:50Glen Cloy RangersArran Premier LeagueManager: Djchrismac

Glen Cloy Snatch Late Victory!Second win in a row moves Gers up to third place in APL

Rangers beat the Stormers 3-1 at Park Road following an abysmal first half that only saw 1 chance and a slight injury to Shiskine. But the last half hour of the game changed everything, following a brutal tackle on Regan on 60mins Seth Geddie fired Shiskine ahead with a shot in the area.

Several more chances followed before an unbelievable finish to the match with the Brodick team scoring 3 goals in the last 4mins! New signing Joe Love was an instant hit with the fans grabbing a debut goal on 85, then strike partner Huian went down for a dubious penalty a minute later which he converted to make it 6 goals in 7 games and lead the league early on for the Golden Boot.

To wrap up the win Glen Hamilton hit a screamer of a free kick on 89mins as Shiskine cursed their luck and the culinary skills of Bert-Ola Allhed! With a big derby against Benlister Rovers next week we caught up with manager Chris Mac:

"It was nice to get the victory with such a convincing scoreline although i'm looking into our awful first half to figure out why my team are so slow to start stringing passes




together!"

"I was very pleased with the performance of the new lads Monteiro and Love today and they've shown already they are fit to start every game. Richie will be out for almost a month but with Glen hitting free kicks like that he can have all the rehab time he needs... maybe he can practice free kicks while he's out!"

"We fought 'till the end of the game and belief like that is a promising sign for such a young team. I spoke to the Stormers manager afterwards to send a get well soon message to Allhed. Kitchen injuries are no laughing matter as a similar thing happened to young Broadfoot at our Glasgow sister club recently..."

ABS "Next week you face Benlister Rovers for another big derby game, your thoughts ahead of the match?"

"It's never nice travelling over the hill to that dark depressing tip where the chants of drunken Monkeys drift across the bay, but rest assured we'll be taking our shots and going in for a quick win and even quicker bus journey home!"

2009-07-25 11:23Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: Smegor1st win in 4 games keeps Rosa at TopAfter 7 games in Arran Premier League the Ramblers are sitting pretty at top after a hard earned victory on thursday night against Thundergay Harriers. Here at Arran Banner Sports we have managed to get a exclusive interview with the very elusive and some would say uncontactable Manager of the Glen Rosa outfit. This is a hard hitting interview and all minors should stop reading here:

ABS: You have had a very good start to the season. What is the secret to your success?

Smegor: A very hard pre season for the players to whip them into shape was undertaken were we had them running and running till they dropped. Also a few key signings were made in the right position and bringing in 2 players from last years reserve league champions team was the icing on the cake.

ABS: Are they anymore signings in the pipeline before the second half of the season starts?

Smegor: We are looking at 1 player that will send shockwaves round the league and should break the transfer record for the APL.

ABS: How to you rate Thursdays game against Thundergay?




Smegor: My players played very well to come back from 3 defeats on the trot and register a win on home soil. The only downer being that our captain Ally Walker was injured from an outrageous tackle and looks like he will be out for 4 weeks with ligaments damage. It will give our young player Charlster Hendry some time away from the Taxi business to concentrate on his footie skills and he looks like a star in the making.

ABS: A few managers have suggested your a bit eccentric and are very rarely seen outside of Glen Rosa. What are your thoughts on this?

Smegor: Why should i leave the Glen? I have everything here, a world class stadium and training facilites. Also my hut has everything you need in this modern world. a fire, chairs and a radio to keep in touch with the fans views on TALKBACK on Radio Arran 3!!! ALSO if i was to leave the glen i wouldn't come into contact with any of the managers anyway as they all base themselves in the smog ridden cities in the central belt and only travel down on there helicopters for matches on the Thursday night. I like to keep it real and live in the same conditions as the fans and not in a bubble wrapped house with security gates and armed guards keeping the bams away from there swimming pools!!!!

ABS: Anything else you want to say before this interview self destructs?

Smegor: Haven't got enough time, I have to be off and pick some shrooms and get some magic water from the stream to make my magic tea for the teams training tonight.

Abs: Thank you and good luck for the rest of the season

2009-07-27 13:18Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybPanther’s to relocate?A rumour has been spreading round the islands that the Pirmill Panthers might relocate their home ground to the top of Goatfell! It seems that the Panthers are looking for any advantage they can get and playing at altitude might give them the edge they need. One name being touted for the new stadium is Snake Mountain. No information on the funding for this new stadium has been released yet. During this week we’ll be hoping to bring you exclusive interviews with the mountain people, the Pirnmill locals and Donnyb.








Competition UpdateThe following is a transcript of the press conference held this evening by Thunderguy Harriers._______________________________________________________________________________

The Thunderguy Harriers Super-Name-a-thon-Mega-Bonanza-Grand-Prize-Giveaway has received a large number of entries over the past few weeks.

However, it has come to the attention of club officials that every last one of these "entries" have in fact been nothing more than certain rival team's management set-ups taking the piss.

As a result, the governing commitee of the Thunderguy Harriers Super-Name-a-thon-Mega-Bonanza-Grand-Prize-Giveaway, unanimously decided to scrap the whole idea of a competition in favour of our standard decision making process here at the club.

Namely, we got out our trebuchet and launched chickens at a wall covered in random choices we came up with down the pub, until only one was visible through the visceral gristle and cock-combs.

That choice dear readers was...

The Cock Hole!

We of the Thunderguy Harriers gleefully await the start of next season so we can finally get the other teams round to play in our brand new Cock Hole...

Wait...

Shit!!!!

******Uproar ensues

_______________________________________________________________________________

Arran Banner Breaking News*

*The Arran Banner accepts no responsibility for this story being any more recent than within the last fifteen weeks, any more accurate than a pub rumour, and any more interesting than a night out in Shannochie.

2009-07-30 11:25Shiskine StormersArran Premier LeagueManager: Stormchaserwatson calls trucehaving already stated earlier in the press that bert ola allhed was to be sold after his finger injury it now seems watson has changed his mind.....for the time being.we caught up with the stormers manager earlier today

abs- so you have changed your mind on placing allhed on the transfer list?

watson- yes,for the time being....he came grovelling to me a few days after his injury and told me this is the only club he has ever wanted to play for while repetatively kissing the badge

abs- so all is forgiven?

watson- we'll see,i have ordered him back to the club during his injury to see if we can speed up his recovery from the finger injury,he is the mainstay of our young team and if he responds well for the rest of the season he will get a reprieve

abs- so it the visit of the midges tonight how is the prep for that going?

watson-well no new injurys mean i can field a decent side tonight although i have decided not be gung ho anymore and will play a more defensive formation and tactics as we are losing too many goals at the moment

abs- do you think the ultras will accept this when its a home game?

watson- they have no choice,we need to stop conceding as many goals and this will bag us more points going into the second half of the season.i have heard midges cannot operate in any high winds so we have brought in some costly wind machines to try and disrupt their game




abs- any predictions on tonights result?

watson- i'd go for a 1-0 win for the stormers

so there we have it,all seems well with the stormers,only time will tell if their change of tactics works and they blow away the midges tonight


Rangers Players Get Swine Flu!Away loss to Benlister Rovers has side effects!

In a dramatic turn of events the Glen Cloy team have reportedly contracted swine flu following their 2-0 loss in disease ridden Lamlash. Manager Chris Mac stated to the press that almost all of his team have suffered from the virus since the game with form at an all time low as a result.

The Gers had fielded a weakened squad in an unfamiliar 5-2-3 formation as several key players had begun to feel unwell during the pre-game training session, which coincidentally had several Rovers scouts and players in attendance.

Chris Mac is calling for a full enquiry to the sanitary conditions in Lamlash after his team were beaten by two Hoset free kicks, one in each half, while also losing Hamilton to injury from some broken glass on the pitch. This left MacDonald fuming and he stormed out of the press conference!

Rangers will now travel with supplies of Midge repellant to the Rockpools for a double header against North Sannox who sit third in the league. Contrary to the wind turbine tactics emplyed by Shiskine manager Stormchaser the Gers will be trying out some large magnets in the hope that this affects the Midges performance on the pitch...


2009-07-31 13:33Shiskine StormersArran Premier LeagueManager: Stormchasera storm is brewing







it has been revealed today,that after another terrible performance at home that shiskine's manager is now under an official investigation from league officials

it is believed that the manager has been found to be blowing his transfer kitty on betting scams which have supposedly included in bets being placed against his own team

the league officials are suspicious that stormers sudden poor form is linked with bets placed by their manager against his team and the sudden hole in the clubs finances

in a brief interview with watson he had this to say"yes i am under investigation but i have done nothing wrong and the league will ultimately find this to be true.we have suddenly lost alot of cash which at the moment is un-accounted for but i will prove my innocence"

that may not be all as the word on the street is that the clubs chairman is already considering replacing their man at the end of the season unless results dramatically improve.next up is the nags legends in a game that the stormers can ill afford to lose.

2009-07-31 14:06Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybWe were robbed!We managed to get a phone interview with Pirnmill Panthers manager after the highly entertaining draw with Thunderguy Harriers.

ABS - “So what’s your thoughts on the game”

D – “I’ll talk about the game after we clear a few things up. First off the interview we did last week. You printed that I was the part time manager of the Pirnmill Panthers. What do you mean by that?”

ABS – “You were the one that said it”

D – “You find where I said that! Idiot. You know your local rag is going the way of the Daily Record. Printing rubbish all the time. Second off where the hell did you get this rumour about us moving to the top of Goatfell?”

ABS – “It was going round the Ormidale like wildfire! We heard it straight from a drunken Mr Jobby.”

D – “and you believe him! Can I just clear this up. We won’t be leaving Pirnmill. We’re loyal to our many many many fans their and I’m pretty sure the Palm tree would die if we left. Also those mountain people would not take to us! We’re not their kind. Unlike Gman. I would not be surprised to see Nags Legends moving to Goat Fell. I bet this




story was started by Djchrismac”

ABS – “What makes you say that??”

D – “He’s a shifty b****r. I don’t trust him at all.”

ABS – “So back to the game.”

D – “About time we got back to that. You know you’re a really s**t interviewer. Anyway we thought we’d try and new formation and it worked well but my defenders are still a bit amateur. From middle to front we’re probably the best team in the league and Donny Brown is fast becoming a legend.”

ABS – “Yes he did look good out there.”

D – “That’s probably the most sensible thing I’ve ever heard you say. The opposition tried to mark him out of the game but that was a stupid stupid move tactically by Qwijiboenator. I think the fact their man of the match was a defender tells you all you need to know. They’re just another bunch of hammer throwing binmen. We seem to be great at breeding teams like this on Arran.”

ABS – “Have you got anything else to add?”

D – “Yes I do actually. If you print this with a stupid opening line there will be hell to pay. Also Athletic Machrie are in for a sound beating next week. I’ve no doubt about that.”


Ramblers pushed off the topAthletico Machrie completed their ascent to the top of the league last night with an impressive 3-0 away victory over the Glen Rosa Ramblers.

The win is ideal preparation for the second leg of the Arran Ale final, in which they trail 3-1 to the Holy Isle Monkeys.

The first leg of the final was Machrie's worst result in their history, but their manager doesn't seem too downbeat about it.

'The team didn't actually play that bad. Our goalie, Richie Urquhart, played a shocker.




After the game I decided that he should probably spend some time on the bench, we've got a more than capable replacement in Aapo Kamunen.'

'I've got a bit of a selection headache for the final. We've got a few people returning from injury and everyone is eager to play. But I'll have to sit down an think about the best strategy to overturn the first leg result.'

'The late away goal was a real lifeline for us, a 2-0 victory is definitely possible at home. But I expect Discotron to turn up with the Monkeys and park the team bus in front of the goals. No doubt he'll use his trademark 4-5-1 formation.'

2009-08-04 18:14Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11Mid Season Holiday BluesFollowing too much holiday time, Nags Legends boss returns after a shocking spell with the so called caretaker in charge. At least profits at Nags soared as much time was spent there by the rest of the team. Hopefully the team are back to their winning ways.


Nacho Sent Back To Reserves!Burrito returns to reserve squad but not for 'bust up'

Glen Cloy Rangers manager Chris Mac today stated that there was no training ground fall out between Burrito and assistant manager Andy McCoist. He said it was because he felt that the youth team product needed more game time and that it was for his own benefit.

Privately some around the club are saying the coaching staff have concerns about his general attitude, it could also be due to recent signing Murilo Vingada going huffy in the reserves.

Glen Cloy are reportedly still looking to strengthen their team with several new signings as MacDonald continues to build his squad. Next up the Glen Cloyal team bus takes the shaky road up to play North Sannox Midges at the Rockpools for the first in a double header at the turn as the APL prepares to enter the second half of the season.








Holy Isle Monkeys Win Arran Ale Cup!Second Game Finishes A Draw As Monkeys Win 4-2 Overall!

Congratulations to the Holy Isle Monkeys for winning the first piece of silverware this season the famous Arran Ale Cup, affectionately referred to by some as the 'Diddy Cup'.

Holy Isle beat a strong Athletico Machrie team thanks to a great 3-1 home result in the first game as their attacking 4-3-3 formation paid dividends and no doubt took Mr Jobby by complete surprise considering Discotron's Buddihist style strict adherance to the Walter Smith School of football and it's dreaded Immortal Scorpian formation. Helder Sporra dominated up front bagging a hattrick and man of the match for the Monkeys but was supported by some excellent midfield play..

The second game saw Machrie employ an attacking 3-4-3 to try and make up the 3-1 deficit but with Discotron opting for the immortal buffalo by playing a 5-3-2 both teams cancelled each other out with a goal either side of half time for Scaleman and then Ekaluck.

Sundravej Ekaluck alson won mvp for the Arran Ale Cup tournament just edging out teammate Horatio Tamburini and Athletico's impressive forward Scaleman and goalkeeper Richie Urquhart.

______JAFFA


Pirnmill are thugs!!!Athletico Machrie’s manager stormed off the pitch tonight after their 2-0 victory over the Pirnmill Panthers. He refused to shake hands with the opposition manager after watching a game which saw Pirnmill kick the home side off the park.

‘The Panthers are nothing but a bunch of thugs. Just as I predicted in the pre-season, the Panthers are the whipping boys of the league. Their football skills are non-existent and







the only thing they can do is resort to mindless thuggery.’

‘The blame has to lie with the manager. He was spouting all sorts of nonsense to the press, when really he should keep his mouth shut. Has he seen the league table recently??’

2009-08-07 13:24Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybI brought a nice Rioja as well.Pirnmill Panther’s manager was bemused by his counterparts behavior at the end of the game last night.

‘He should have been over the moon to be honest. They were the better team and I ended up drinking a nice bottle of red, on my own, in their stinking cesspit of a stadium.’

Donnyb also responded to claims of his team resorting to thuggery. ‘Complete rubbish. We play hard but fair. Our players have to watch their mouths though. I won’t tolerate players getting booked for mouthing off at the referee.’

After another defeat the Panthers manager had this to say. ‘We’ve got a 3 year plan here and we’re actually progressing pretty well. We’ve some great young talent. I’m on the lookout for a decent defender.’


Midge Magnet Fails, Gers To Try Avon...Glen Cloy Hope To Perform Better At Home

Following a 4-0 thrashing away to North Sannox the Glen Cloy Rangers are reportedly going to be issuing their whole team with Avon Cream for the visit of the Midges this week. The previous game saw a defensive line-up struggle to cope with the Midge's star strikers but with the next game at home MacDonald's team will be hoping they can snuff out Thacker and Power who were clinical during the match, scoring 4 of the team's 5 chances.







There is an apparent press silence coming from North Sannox, possibly due to their manager Kerranger being seen online on a daily basis struggling to cope with hordes of Elfs and Goblins due to an addiction to a videogame rpg. This has led to rumours around the league that Kerranger may actually have no life and has been blowing club funds on gold coins, swords, armour and wenches.

____ABS

2009-08-10 17:19Thunderguy HarriersArran Premier LeagueManager: QwijiboenatorFacilities InspectionYesterday saw a round trip by qwijiboenator and a group of official league inspectors of the Arran Premier League facilities scattered around Arran. This was at the request of league founder djchrismac, with the aim being "to make sure all those shifty fuckers are playing nice" as well as to more fully assess the league's situation with regards to the viability of the planned expansion next season.

Beginning at 9am in Lamlash, the first club to be inspected were tribute2johnny's Benlister Rovers and after an initially promising tour of Kenny Bones Field - and an entertaining presentation regarding the new accommodation to be built into the stadium - a major issue was discovered: It appears that the Rover's purported training grounds do not in fact exist! Indeed the alleged site is in fact home to the local high school which it was discovered - after consultation with several teachers in the PHT on Sunday night - has been present on that site since well before the APL was founded. A full enquiry has been launched, the results of which will be available early next week.The next team on the agenda was to be the Holy Isle Monkeys, however, upon attempting to gain entry to their impregnable island fortress-monastery, APL officials met the same torid atmosphere of abusive chanting, unwashed robes and "incense" smoke which have prevented all but a few hardy reporters from entering their monastic seclusion outside of match-day events - which are still frankly unpleasant. It was therefore decided that their inspection would be postponed until full haz-mat suits could be procured for the league's valuable staff.Nags Legends' facilities appeared to be adequate, however - possibly due to expensive extravagances such as their "cheerleading school" and the new roundabout in their swing-park - are in a woeful state of repair. Indeed the Sandbraes ground looks like it hasn't been upgraded in at least the last five years.The Shiskine Stormers' grounds are actually some of the better kept in the APL, however this does not help their being situated in Shiskine. In fact the stench of seaweed and sheep drove inspectors away before a thorough inspection could be conducted.Sitting atop the table, one would expect Athletico Machrie's facilities to be of the highest order. Unfortunately the inspectors discovered little more than a drum circle, primitive bead-based crafts stalls and a horrific disregard for personal hygene. It is




surmised that their dominance of the league results from their peculiar midnight rituals and herbal concoctions, however time constraints precluded further investigation.The APL inspection team were in fact unable to locate the Pirnmill Panthers' stadium and facilities despite an in-depth search of the Lighthouse Tearoom, and a random set of swings. Photographic evidence of inspectors efforts was sent to djchrismac to ensure everything was above board, and a further investigation into this anomally will be forthcoming.John Corbett Construction have turned Thunderguy into a mud puddle, but have not as yet actually built anything. In fact the only standing structures are the company portaloos.Under orders from djchrismac, league inspectors did not undertake to inspect North-Sannox. Instead they simply followed instructions to "piss in the rock pools". The Midges are still unfortunately still omnipresent throughout the island. Despite their scenic setting, and excellent youth academy, the Glen Rosa Ramblers' facilities are marred by a lack of basic infrastructure: The only access to their huge facility is by way of a dirt track which is intersected by a deer fence which prevents any access to wheeled vehicles.The final stop on the tour was Underwood Park and the Glen Cloy Rangers. League founder djchrismac has a wonderful stadium, ideal infrastructure, and fantastic training facilities. Inspectors were actually at a loss to explain Rangers' poor showing in the league to this point, finally concluding that it must be down to simple managerial ineptitude.With 10 teams and over 57 miles covered the inspection also managed to uncover potential sites for new teams wishing to enter the proposed two-tier league next season. The most promising of these being situated adjacent to the Lochranza distillery - where fumes could provide a distinct advantage during home games. Further suitable sites were located at the Kinloch Hotel, Blackwaterfoot, The Kildonan Hotel, Kildonan, and the Lagg Hotel, Kilmory. Qwijiboenator would like to point out that these new sites all being situated at the sites of public houses had absolutely no connection with them being chosen as suitable for new teams.

In conclusion, the current state of the APL is barely adequate, with nearly every team needing to seriously buck their ideas up. However the extra profit which would be generated by expanding the league for next term would enable a significant improvement - presuming the monies would be spent appropriately.

2009-08-10 22:08North Sannox MidgesArran Premier LeagueManager: KerrangerBy the nine divines!He may not say much to us here at abs but when he does it can always be described as different we tracked him down leaving his cave by the pools.

Sir Alan Sir Alan could we have a word please




Sir Alan : You have my ear citizen

abs : em ok Sir Alan whats your response after the visit of rangers and the accusation of your addiction?

Sir Alan : what

abs : Your response after the visit of rangers and the accusation of your addiction?

Sir Alan : I dont understand

abs : (sigh) ok ok Any news from the other provinces?

Sir Alan : Addiction? Addiction!!!? By the nine divines! Assault! my good name shall be avenged which ork said this ill run him through with my blade WAS IT YOU!!?

abs : no no no no em i believe it came from rangers

Sir Alan : Hazzah!! Ahhh thats ok it would be a little sour grapes then. 4-0 though what an easy game that was. To be honest i was surprised they even turned up for the match. Any time i try to get that MacDonald out for a kickabout with the pig bladder down at Underwood Park theres always some excuse like he's too tired or his ankles exploded again.

abs : And are you looking forward to your next trip to Underwood Park?

Sir Alan : I liked what you wrote about them needing Avon cream for the next attack of the Midges but with a humping like we just gave them id've thought it would be Vaseline they needed more. They have still to score this season against us honestly they couldnt score in a barrel of high elves.

abs : Sir Alan thank you for your time

Today at 12:41Shiskine StormersArran Premier LeagueManager: Stormchaserstormers slump continuesanother woefull display by shiskine has left the team dangerously close to the bottom of the league,with no points in the last five matches and the manager still under investigation the future is not looking good.we briefly caught up with their manager today

abs- things are not going well just now?




watson- mmm,understatement of the year!

abs- can you turn things around?

watson-yes....but it will take time,i'm going down the route of saying its a 3 year plan now,we have alot of youngsters who will be superstars but just not at the moment

abs-and you are still under investigation?

watson- yes but legally thats all i can say

abs- any words of encouragement for the ultras,especially as they were seen to be protesting outside the stadium after the last game?

watson-no! but they can stop sending death threats to me

with that we terminated the interview and watson leaves with many things to ponder,none more so than how he can get his team back on form

Today at 18:57The League AdminArran Premier League Manager: Djchrismac

JAFFA Cup Starts on 16.08.2009The draw for the JAFFA Cup has been made today with the first games being played on Sunday 16th August at 7pm gmt. The draw for the last 16 is seeded and then the draw is random from the quarter finals:

2009-08-16 Pirnmill Panthers - Thunderguy Harriers2009-08-16 Nags Legends - Shiskine Stormers

2009-08-23 Thunderguy Harriers - Pirnmill Panthers2009-08-23 Shiskine Stormers - Nags Legends

JAFFA Officials wish the best of luck to all of the competing teams for the forthcoming competition!

______JAFFA

2009-08-12 00:01Holy Isle MonkeysArran Premier League






Manager: DiscotronMonkeys hope to continue good formHoly Isle Monkeys have been quiet of late, nursing many hangovers after a week long bender since winning the Arran ALe Cup.

"I allowed the players to let their hair down, but they took it too far. I gave them some grief about it but they responded with a great performance against Glen Rosa Ramblers, so i'll follow the same practice this week" said Discotron.

The second leg of the double header against the Ramblers is up next for the Monkeys, but it would be foolish to write off Glen Rosa, as their strong home performances suggest that they will take all three points.

Discotron will hope that his players sober up in time and improve upon their very average away performances, and will be looking to take all three points to maintain their title bid.

2009-08-12 18:50Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybVeteran Panthers striker returnsVeteran Panthers striker Neal Sheringham has returned after nearly 5 weeks out with injury and immediately launched a stinging attack on Nags Legends and Glen Rosa Ramblers.

‘My first injury came against Nags Legends when some binman called Liam Carrick took me out of the game. I had to come off. I recovered ok only for Ally Wayler to stamp on my groin in the next game when the ref wasn’t looking. He did not even get a yellow card! It’s a disgrace.’

Shezza then talked about playing again. ‘It feels great to be back. I can’t wait to get to get out there and contribute to the team again. I’m, not sure if I’ll start or be on the bench for the next game against FC Machrie but I promise the fans I’ll give my all.’


New record set!!








Athletico set a league record tonight that may never be broken.

After playing 530 minutes of football (almost nine hours) Athletico Machrie’s defence was finally breached.

It looked like the impressive defensive run would continue for another week, as Athletico were 3-0 up against the pitiful Panthers with only 5 minutes remaining. But a lapse in concentration allowed the Panther’s substitute Donny Brown to skank his way into the penalty box and pinch a goal.

'Fucking typical!' was the only comment made by MrJobby.

2009-08-13 23:09Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11Bring on the Cup!Nags Legends look forward to a return tie against the Shiskine Stoners in the last 16 of the Jaffa Cup. The recent away draw in the league was a hard fought match but at least Shiskine's star player wasn't too badly injured in the tussle. Perhaps more aggression needed by the Legends.

Corks were popping all over the isle when the Panthers managed to score a goal this week. The Northenders' spirits were slightly dampened however as they still got knocked back from Nags. It seems the team are still barred following accusations of counterfeit goods selling. 'Cuggi watch anyone?'

2009-08-14 10:39Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybI missed the game!Donnyb was furious this morning after missing last night’s game against the Machrie sea trout worriers.

“I can’t believe this! I was busy with my other job and nobody from the club notified me we were playing.”

Rumour has it the Panther’s chairman is unhappy with results and with Donnyb’s part time ways. ABS understands that assistant Manager Archie Cox was in charge of the game against Machrie.

On another note we’d like to print an apology to Donnyb over the accusation that the panthers had been selling dodgy gear at Nags. We can actually reveal that Machrie were







the culprits. We have an exclusive camera phone video of Mr Jobby doing some business, getting very drunk, trying to pull a much older lady and then throwing up under a table before leaving.


MacDonald Goes Mental!Rangers Manager Sacks Vingada, 3 Players On Transfer List!

Following their 3-0 defeat at home to the pesky Midges and their even peskier striker Willie Thacker, who picked up a knock at halftime having destroyed Rangers during a flukey 10 min spell in the first half, the Gers manager went ballistic and sacked new signing Murilo Vingada who had only just joined the club! Apparently he made a comment about not playing and this invoked the fury of his manager who sent him packing with his P45!

MacDonald (still not available for comment) was already raging at his strikers for not having a single shot on goal during the match and the final straw saw him send a message out to the rest of the team. Leading scorer Mihail Huian is rumoured to be on his way out also as the shake-up of Glen Cloy continues. Promising youth player Carlos Mendoza was drafted into the squad immediately, suggesting that MacDonald is now building for the future with players groomed on the Ormidale Park training ground.

Rangers now sit second bottom in the table, luckily a fair distance away from the woeful Panthers and play Benlister Rovers in the league where they will be expecting the usual cheating, diving, shirt pulling, injuries, abuse and more! Luckily the Lamlash team have to travel to Brodick where they will be met with the usual hostility for venturing over the Clauchland Hills.

With both Brodick teams losing heavily at home this week perhaps a win in the Lamlash derby will be just the tonic to stop their current slump. Quite who will be playing up front for Glen Cloy Rangers remains to be seen....





Harriers Get New Strip!Thunderguy Harriers today completed their league record-breaking new kit supply deal with off-island clothing shop Matalan. This has resulted in a spiffing new tweed home ensemble and patented "distract-o-vision"tm away strip, which will be supplied solely by Matalan for a minimum of at least the next two seasons. We caught up with Qwijiboenator this evening to ask a few pertinent questions about the deal.

ABS: Hi Qwiji, we're here to talk to you about the deal...

Q: What do you know about the deal!?

ABS: ... concluded today for your new kits.

Q: Oh right! Hahahaha... Yes... The Matalan deal, of course! Go on.

ABS: We here at ABS absolutely love the new tweed shirts! What inspired that decision?

Q: Our fanclub suggested it, naturally.

ABS: We understand your new away strip has something called "distract-o-vision"tm weaved into the fabric. Could you tell us a little bit more about that?

Q: Actually I can't I'm afraid. I've been sworn to secrecy by king Matala of the Matalanians himself on the subject. Fortunately tomorrow the Pirnmill Panthers will experience it first hand and then I'll be free to flap my gums all I want on the subject.

ABS: Fair do's. Speaking of Matalan, what do you have to say to those who will no doubt accuse you of chicanery regarding this deal, since you have recently become closely affiliated with the A.C. Matalan team?

Q: Plah! Hogwash! and things of that nature.

ABS: Indeed. So how do you feel about not being seeded in both of the cups this season?

Q: Meh, I'm pretty annoyed, but the sting was taken out of it due to the funding we recieved - from an unnamed party - which has allowed for our new strip deal to happen, as well as enabling us to massively expand our tactics and scouting departments. Oh and




we are also outsourcing the design of a new club logo too! If you're reading this dude, thanks!

ABS: Any final words?

Q: Yeah, I'd just like to apologise to Tribute2johnny for making him look so bad on Thursday night! Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn!!!!

Pick up your copy of the Arran Banner on Friday to see how the Harriers new strip technology works, including a free pull out poster of the new away strip.

2009-08-16 17:23Shiskine StormersArran Premier LeagueManager: Stormchaser

no holes barred!on the day of another cup competition starting we caught up with an angry stormers manager after he arrived on the island

abs- so with tonights cup game looming and the pressure of it being your only chance of silverware this season how are your team shaping up?

watson- they are ok,slightly low on morale and i think the bruises and cuts have healed from the kicking we took in our last game

abs-i takke it your refering to the bruising encounter with nags?

watson-yeh,when their manager told them to go out and have a kick about they took it to the word and kicked us off the park!! and yet again another rival player tries to cripple our star player,this was obviously a ploy to force him out of tonights cup tie!

abs- any plans to combat this in tonights game?

watson- aye,we,re going to go into tonights game with intent to cause GBH to the fags......... sorry nags players

abs- we've heard rumours recently that your having a meeting with the glen cloy manager this week?thursday as far as we know,whats that all about?

watson-i cant confirm or deny that,now i'm leaving as i have to get my players out the pub!




i think its safe to say that tonights game will entertaining for a number of reasons.

2009-08-17 18:17Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorThree 3-0 defeats in a row!!!!ABS: Since we last spoke to you you have lost 3 league games in a row and have been booted of the top spot in the league. Any Comments?

Smegor: No!!!!!

ABS: Is your lack of communication in the press making the ramblers fans feel like your not the man for the job?

Smegor: No!!!!!

ABS: Do you believe you can reverse your teams fortune in the second half the season and push back up the league?

Smegor: Yes!!!!

ABS: Would you like to add anything to this interview?

Smegor: No!!!!

There you go sports fan, an in-depth interview with the head man at Glen Rosa Ramblers. Remember to buy tomorrows paper to see where it all went wrong for Arran's National team in there 4-0 defeat to Mull in the Island World Cup Qualifers.

2009-08-19 12:54Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11Invasion of the TravellersA travelling community has descended upon the once-tranquil surrounds of Sandbraes Park, putting the upcoming Legends' home fixtures in jeopordy. Rumours suggest that the 'visitors' are indeed the country cousins of some fellow APL managers although no names have been suggested. If this is indeed the case, then it looks like a deliberate attempt to sabotage the recent form that has been shown by the mighty Legends. Investigations continue. On a positive note, I won a tenner at the bare knuckled fighting bout last night held at Sandbraes!

2009-08-20 14:31







Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybExklusiv från Sverige. Hem av xpert 11Här på ABS vi var tippare bort så pass Donna var på en hemlighet tripp till Sverige. Weâ€™ve blitt följande honom och heâ€™s blitt spelsätten mycket misstanke! BERUSAD â€“ Han var ute drickandet odla 330am: på Onsdagen natt. HET KVINNAN â€“ Heâ€™s blitt har lunch dadeln med en mycket leggy lys. BÅT TRIPP â€“ Han synes till vara planeringen en kärnig tripp på något sortera av sauna båt denna kväll. Den synes hans slå sig ihop komma andra till hans annan aktivitet. Den här er blitt en ABS exklusiv.


Gle n Cloy Salvage PointLate Goal Earns Draw Against Hackers From Lamlash

The Gers new signing Alec Cannon bagged a debut goal on 90mins to give Glen Cloy a much needed point against Benlister's boot boys as Pirnmill finally bagged their first win against the chicken farmers of Thundergay, a feat that Squigglybleater will sorely not be happy about, being the team to end their abysmal run in the league. Some speculate that the Harriers manager's recent investment in a Premier League team on the mainland has meant he is not spending the time he should with the chickens on the pitch.

The first half of the 1-1 draw saw some crunching action with Joe Love getting sidelined by a particularly nasty challenge! The Rovers took the lead on 75 from a set piece before Dexter Easton got his marching orders on 88mins. This proved decisive as minutes later Monteiro broke from defence and played a superb ass through to Cannon who fired a shot in to give the Gers a much deserved share of the points.

Next up for Glen Cloy Rangers is a visit to Shiskine to play the Stormers. MacDonald was unavailable to speak to the press following the bruising encounter with Rovers with rumours flying around that he was secretly meeting with Stormers manager Watson. What they are meeting for is anyone's guess, more on this story once our reporter goes to the Dale to get the gossip....

____ABS








a grand performance!After a coupon bursting night in the apl last night we caught up with stormers manager watson this morning where he was looking rather tired but still elated after his team swatted the midges in their own back yard

abs- we'll assume you are very happy after a great win last night?

watson- yes i am although again we were treated to some rough tactics from the opposition with quintas being the biggest culprit after trying to crock our new star man ned cates,the challenge can only be described as brutal and he should have been sent off,i mean a booking? i've only ever seen such bias when watching the manky mob from the east end of glasgow

abs- its your first away win of the season and your first win in 6 games,what did you do differently?

watson- the arrival of ned cates was a major factor and i think the midges thought they could just turn up and win,they underestimated us,i've had a long talk this week with the players and the imminent arrival of another few signings seems to have got their arse in gear

abs-your team were proudly showing offf their new kit and club crest last night,did that help?

watson-its a new start for us,we will have to win every game from now till the end of the season if we want to win the league,a feat that only georgio samaras would believe in mind you but thats the targetwe are now the leagues form team and with nags being in their worst form of the season i reckon we will go and humiliate them in the cup on sunday and progress to the next round

with the cup tie looming,it seems stormers are rejuvenated and will go into the second half of the season looking to upset some more so called big teams in the apl,the visit of glen cloy is shaping up to be a cracker next week with rumours still circulating about a secret meeting last night with djchrismac,at present we have no conformation what was involved.......match rigging? players transfer? it seems we will have to wait and see





HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!Thunderguy Harriers advanced to the next round of the JAFFA cup tonight with an emphatic victory over the Pirnmill Panthers. We caught up with a half-cut Qwiji to find out his thoughts on the match.

"That's what they get for sniding a win in our last match! They obviously couldn't pay off the referee this time, and our quality won out. As far as I know this actually happens to be a new record pumping for the Panthers, who have the worst record in the APL anyway. Good times for us!"

We asked Qwijiboenator what tactics he used for this historic victory:

"Same old, same old. We didn't have to change much around from the last two games since we knew that what little fight they had in them would leave as soon as they saw our savage chickens glaring at them. There's a lot to be said for home advantages it would seem..."

So a record defeat for Pirnmill, and a record victory for Thunderguy in this west-coast derby, but Qwijiboenator will surely be wishing his team showed this kind of form in their last league game?

"Fuck you Arran Banner! I don't need this shit. I'm going to get steaming with the lads and get ready for the next game. When you guys get a team together and actually play some games, then, and only then, you can come the cunt with me sonny jim."

Strong words from a scary man there. Nonetheless, a decisive end to this round of the JAFFA cup, and we shall all see who prevails in the next round! Find out a week on Friday how things pan out.

Incidentally, we at banner sports would like a team in the league... we just know that we don't have any good players :(





quality shines throughafter what can only be described as a brutal match stormers manager watson yet again complained of the rough house tactics of the fags legends in the second leg of their cup tie

abs- you'll be glad your through to the next round of the cup albeit on away goals

watson yes,delighted with the result and performance but again i'm going to complain about the treatment of our players,the fags had 6 players booked and one sent off and it should have been more,i mean the only time an elbowing offence is a yellow is at parkhead every other saturday.we completely outplayed them in every sense as the match facts show..we had 7 chances and they had not one measly shot on goal and we had the majority of possesion

abs- is the injury to gus donnie serious

watson we'll have to wait till the swelling goes down but he'll proably miss the game against glen cloy

abs- your team are on form going into the game,are you confident

watson- yes,we seemed to have turned the corner and are playing much better now and there is always the revenge factor for the drubbing we took earlier in the season,if we play the way we can we will win the game.....no doubt!

tune in on thursday to see what is shaping up to be a cracker and a match both managers will be desperate to win


Glen Cloy Visit Valley







Assistant Manager Left In Charge

With Glen Cloy sitting second bottom of the APL, manager Chris Mac has issued a warning to his team, pick up some points or be left at the bottom with the Panthers! Number 2 Chad Vader will be left in charge for the game as MacDonald is reportedly going on a scouting mission to Holland to eye up some talent.

It is also rumoured that the manager's meeting with Stormers boss Watson last week may have involved some shady dealings but an official statement by the Gers claimed the gaffer was simply showing courtesy by meeting Watson in person to explain his absence from the sidelines today. Other rumours believe the clubs were both masterminding how to stay ahead of the Panthers and climb up the league.

With two points separating the teams in 7th and 9th place it is an important game but the advantage will surely go to the home team, mainly due to the smell of sheep dung that surrounds their stadium!

Rangers will just be hoping that referee Laura Norder has enough fingers to keep score and avoid another embarrassing incident as seen in the APL's amateur division where the final score was 13 or 12 - 1 to Brodick! Match officials came under fire for such a shocking occurance. Glen Cloy can only dream of scoring so many goals away from home however....

____ABS

2009-08-29 18:49Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11Honor, Loyalty & SacrificeA brave performance from the Legends during the week meant they were back to their winning ways. Some minor concerns on squad fitness are still looming although it's mostly down to galiano-induced hangovers than injuries.

Rumours that a squad shake up is coming persist but as yet there are still no changes to the original team.

2009-08-30 21:03Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorGetting BetterThe Ramblers form has improved since Captain Fantastic has returned. Star defender







Ally Walker was out with a knee problem for a month and in that month Glen Rosa's form nose dived and were shipping in lots and lots of goals. Now he is back hopefully the ramblers can make a late push in the final few games to try and get nearer the top of the league. Only time will tell.


Cui Bono?It was revealed today that Athletico Machrie's recent poor form in the league could be due to the manager's flat being burgled last week.

MrJobby returned to his flat late one night last week to find the place had been ransacked. 2 laptops, the xbox 360 and a nintendo wii had all been stolen.

'I've been unable to communicate with the team and have been severly restricted with my match preparations.'

'Now, I'm not one to point fingers, but as the Romans used to say when looking for a culprit - cui bono? - who benefits? '

'There's only one other manager who lives in Edinburgh - and his team just happened to be second in the league at the time behind Athletico Machrie.'

MrJobby is currently in pursuit of a replacement laptop, but may not get it before the season ends.

'Trying to get the insurance companies to pay up is hard at the best of times, but when their call centre is out in the far east somewhere, and you can't understand what they're saying, it makes the task damn near impossible. And I'm pretty sure they spoke with Mongolian accents. Coincidence?'








absent manager-team picks itself!due to a long weekend of alledged drinking stormers manager watson didnt even realise his team were playing in the cup last nite and with his no show the stormers team had to pick itself!a confused and hungover watson contacted us this morning after seeing the result in the newspaperwatson- i had no idea......i left for a weekend break on fri morn after the glen cloy game and didnt even check when our next match was........DOH! it wasnt the worst result,we've come from a goal behind in the cup in the last round so hopefully we can repeat this at home in the next leg.


Jobby comments irk DiscoHoly Isle Monkeys manager Discotron today angrily responded to MrJobby's comments concerning the ransacking of Athletico Machrie's headquarters.

"MrJobby's remarks are a poor show and a poor excuse for his own recent performances. He should stop pointing the finger and take a look at himself. Why use three defenders when you can use four? It's the same with locks..." retorted Discotron.

On a lighter note, Discotron expressed his satisfaction at his side's recent displays although he was quick to rule out any further signings having thrown away lots of econ evaluating players that turned out to be way too expensive.

"The team are performing well, although Glen Rosa Ramblers did a good job of nullifying the midfield when we played them in the cup. I was looking for a new midfielder to spruce up the center mid but we'll just have to make do with what we've got and hope they can maintain their good form" added the Holy Isle Monkeys manager.

Up next for the Monkeys is a tricky home tie against Shiskine Stormers but will their manager turn up on time to pick his team? Tune in on saturday to find out what happens next in this pulsating race for the title......








Stormers Calmed And Panthers CagedManager's Scouting Trip Coincides With Good Results!

Without the wrath of their manager to face this week, Glen Cloy Rangers beat Shiskine 1-0 in the cup at Underwood park and then played some delightful anti-football to draw 0-0 away against the on form Pirnmill Panthers.

Captain fantastic Alastair Fletcher grabbed the only goal after 2 minutes of the cup game to give the Gers a slim advantage for the second leg in Shiskine although not conceding at home could be a crucial factor.

The league game saw Glen Cloy skillfully employing the now famous immortal scorpion formation to nullify the Panther's attacking line up although rival manager Donnyb will no doubt call into question the tough midfield play that saw Regan sent off for a second yellow card.

Gers manager MacDonald laughed off such a suggestion:

CM "Hahahahaaa the Panthers are gash, my lads aren't even on form and we got a point away against the form team! Regan was unlucky but i'll not be punishing him, in fact he's been given a bonus this week! It also means he can play in the medal this Sunday so he's well chuffed."

ABS "Can you enlighten us regarding your recent scouting trip to Holland and how this also saw the team get a win and a draw after a bad run?"

CM "The lads enjoyed me not being on the sidelines to shout and berate them and relaxed into their game, that will change this week though!"

"In Holland we've set up a youth academy and will be bringing through some quality young players in the future. It gives the team the obligatory dutch-west coast-orange connection and cheap accomodation for training camps and pre-season tours. We've also struck a deal with Arran Aromatic produce being sent to Amsterdam in exchange for their local produce which will please the residents of Arran i'm sure. "

Excellent news there which delights all the Banner staff! Tune in this weekend to see if Glen Cloy can advance in the cup before the league leaders bring their disgusting religious chants to Underwood Park in the league next week.

2009-09-07 18:38Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybExclusive interview with DonnybABS – First off. Where have you been?




Donnyb – Sunning myself in Spain.

ABS – During the season??

Donnyb – Aye during the season. I did not have any interweb access and the crackberry was off.

ABS – That does not sound very committed…

Donnyb – Can I just cut in there! I’m very committed and I trust Archie to look after the team while I’m away. You keep questioning my commitment. I might have to seek some legal advice.

ABS – OK, OK let’s get back to the games played while you were away. How many was it?

Donnyb – Just the two.

ABS – And what was your assessment of the games?

Donnyb – Awful against Binlisterman Rovers. We were unlucky not to take our chances against Glen Cloy Rangers but they came and parked the bus and cheated all day long. It was a disgrace to football and I’ve called Gordon Smith. I’m hoping some of their players will get retrospective punishments because it’s deserved. The least said about Regan the better. What a thug.

ABS – So you’re not happy?

Donnyb – Of course I’m not! We failed to take our chances and they were a disgrace! I blame the manager of course. He set the tactics.

ABS – Finally what’s you comment on Dexter Dunlop’s breathtaking goal from last season being named goal of the decade?

Donny – Of course we’re very pleased for the lad. He’s got bags of potential and we’ll keep working with him to make him better and better. We won’t let this go to his head.

ABS – What the situation with Rodwell at the moment? Do you know when he’ll be back?

Donny – We’ll we’re really missing our captain Rodders just now. He was injured by the filth that are Binlisterman Rovers. We’re expecting him back in a couple of weeks.

ABS – Thanks for the exclusive.

2009-09-08 17:02Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorTitle Race Heating Up!!!!!With 5 games left to play and 3 teams within 3 points of the leader going into the last month of the inagurual Arran Premier League everything is starting to get very intresting in what has been a belter of a season. Today at ABS we have got hold of 3rd place Glen Rosa Ramblers manager for another quick chat

abs: What do you reckon your chances are in the last 5 games, Do you think you might win the title?

Smegor: If we win every game and others slip up then who knows?

abs: How confident are the players right now?

Smegor: Since our captain Ally Walker came back form injury and we got over our 4 matches against Holy Isle and Machrie which we only got 3 points i feel the boys are feeling good about pushing for the title.

Abs: You have been very quiet in the Transfer Market?

Smegor: I bought 1 player at the half way point in the season and i believe that was all i needed to keep the harmony in the squad for the 2nd half.

Abs Thanks Mr Small

Smegor: No thank you


JAFFA Cup UpdateRound of last 16

2009-08-16 Pirnmill Panthers - Thunderguy Harriers 1 - 22009-08-16 Nags Legends - Shiskine Stormers 2 - 1 (0 - 0)

2009-08-23 Thunderguy Harriers - Pirnmill Panthers 5 - 02009-08-23 Shiskine Stormers - Nags Legends 1 - 0

Thunderguy Harriers win 7-1 on aggregate.Shiskine Stormers win by an away goal, 2-2 on aggregate.







Quarter final

2009-08-30 Athletico Machrie - North Sannox Midges 3 - 22009-08-30 Holy Isle Monkeys - Glen Rosa Ramblers 2 - 02009-08-30 Glen Cloy Rangers - Shiskine Stormers 1 - 02009-08-30 Thunderguy Harriers - Benlister Rovers 2 - 0

2009-09-06 North Sannox Midges - Athletico Machrie 5 - 22009-09-06 Glen Rosa Ramblers - Holy Isle Monkeys 0 - 12009-09-06 Shiskine Stormers - Glen Cloy Rangers 1 - 12009-09-06 Benlister Rovers - Thunderguy Harriers 0 - 2

North Sannox Midges win 7-5 on aggregate.Holy Isle Monkeys win 3-0 on aggregate.Glen Cloy Rangers win 2-1 on aggregate.Thunderguy Harriers win 4-0 on aggregate.

Semi Final Draw

2009-09-13 Holy Isle Monkeys - North Sannox Midges 2009-09-13 Glen Cloy Rangers - Thunderguy Harriers

2009-09-20 North Sannox Midges - Holy Isle Monkeys 2009-09-20 Thunderguy Harriers - Glen Cloy Rangers

So we're down to the final 4 teams competing to win the illustrious JAFFA Cup as Arran Ale Cup winners and league leaders Holy Isle play the Midges and must now surely be thinking about the un-thinkable possibility of a treble! No pressure then...

The other tie sees an epic brother vs brother battle as Glen Cloy take on Thunderguy with both teams looking at their only chance of winning some silverware this season as they flounder near the bottom of the league table.

And be sure to check out the Arran Banner Webcam, which points towards Brodick pier, for the chance to glimpse your favourite APL managers and players as they travel on the ferry or pass by in their SUV's on the way to the Co-op:

http://www.arranbanner.co.uk/news/categoryfront.php/id/56/Webcam.html

______JAFFA


poor showingafter another close fought game with glen cloy in the cup we caught stormers manager watson for a brief interview

abs- what are your thoughts on your cup exit?

watson- we're dissapointed but in all honesty not surprised.i was absent for the first leg which ulltimately cost us the tie though in the second leg i had to field 7 players who were off form so i reckoned we would struggle,fair play to glen cloy i hope they go on and win it now

abs-and to tonights match,machrie at home?

watson-the players seem to be on form now and looking good in training although we will have to change things around a bit to field a decent side but i am looking to win the game tonight........and if possible not lose any more players to injury! seem s to be a couple of new injuries per game which is hitting us hard at the moment

abs-any messages for machrie manager ahead of the game!

watson-no!


Glen Cloy Bus Breaks DownDouble Dose Of Anti-football For Fans

With the APL nearing its dramatic conclusion Glen Cloy Rangers hosted the league leading Monkeys only to lose to a set piece free kick by Saignow on 58 minutes. With little football being played fans were luckily entertained by a barrage of hacking in midfield with several bookings and injuries to both teams which will hinder their cup







selections for Sunday.

This will affect Holy Isle the most as they will not be able to play 5 in midfield for perhaps the first time in their history!!

Glen Cloy play Thundergay in the cup and will be hoping Kerrangers tough tackling in their last game helps out the Gers....


Machrie back onlineAthletico Machrie today released a statement ahead of this week's top of the table clash with the Holy Isle Monkeys.

'After numerous attempts to communicate with insurance companies the club decided that it can no longer wait for these morons to pay up. We have splashed out and provided our manager the necessary tools to compete with the Holy Isle Monkeys this week.'

'Further, we would like to express our good luck wishes to the North Sannox Midges in the cup. We're sure you'll come out on top on what should be a bruising encounter.'


Thunderguy Dominated By GersGlen Cloy Continue Cup Run With 1-0 Victory At Home

The first leg of the cup semi final between the Gers and Harriers saw the home team completely out-class their opponents at Underwood Park. Thundergay couldn't manage a shot on goal the entire game as all of Glen Cloy's defenders made the Xpert11 Team of the round.

CM "They shouldn't have bothered turning up really, i'm glad we kept a clean sheet and







hopefully we'll be able park the bus and defend our lead when we visit A Field for the return leg."

Arnie Aitken scored a deflected goal on 34 mins as once again the Glen Cloy strikers failed to find the net continuing a dismal run that has lasted 6 games.

CM "The forwards will get a goal I have faith, the last game has boosted confidence and our form is good so I'm sure they will find the net when the Ramblers visit Underwood Park for our last home fixture of the season. Luckily our midfield and defence have been chipping in with goals and the strikers have still been involved in the play so i'm pleased."

ABS "The team are playing well and have only lost once in the last 7 games, are you happy with the progress of the club?"

CM "We've steadied the ship after a dodgy run of results and with Glen Rosa missing some key players for the Brodick derby this week we're looking to get back to back wins for the first time in a while. To reach the cup final would be fantastic for the lads after a difficult season but I think we're in good shape for next year."

ABS "Any messages for the opposing managers ahead of your next two games?"

CM "Yes, bring it...!"

Can Glen Cloy Rangers finish the season on a high with a cup final appearance and mid table mediocrity within reach? Follow all the action in this weeks Arran Banner Sports to find out and see if all the managers gang together to prevent the Holy Isle Monkeys winning the treble!!

____ABS

2009-09-15 18:16Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorPolice presence building up!!!More than 400 extra coppers have been flown into Brodick ahead of the final match in the oldest and most celebrated derby in the Arran Premier League.

After the battle of Glen Rosa earlier in the season the police will have their work cut out for them and hopefully the introduction of ID cards to season ticket holders will prevent the holligans arriving from Ayrshire and Glasgow to support there respective teams(whatever happened to supporting your local teams?)




Any fans traveling to the game are reminded that its a 730 kick off and all pubs in Brodick are not opening there doors till 5 to stop a repeat of what happened to the glasshouse at the Dale earlier in the year.

Good luck to both teams and please no violence.

Bob the NobHead of PoliceArran SS Force

2009-09-15 22:18Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11To the Sheep DipNags Legends take on the Mighty Pirnmill Panthers in a tantalising league match tomorrow. All eyes will be on the Panthers as they seek to impress the recently-returned-from-vacation manager DonnyB. However, rumours have arisen that said manager is off once again on his travels! Will this leave the team in turnmoil or spur them on to success?


storm unhappy with shot shy strikersin a brief interview with stormers manager watson he explained to us why the defeat to machrie was hard to take and his thoughts on tonights game with harriers

abs- your dissapointed with the result against machrie?

watson-yes and no.we played relatively well and had chances in the game but our strikers must start contributing with goals,we cant rely on the midfield to keep us going,on the other hand machrie played well and seen as they are challenging for the league i guess they maybe wanted it more than us on the night....which is dissapointing! hubbard played well and got his just reward for all his efforts when he scored at the 3rd attempt after hitting the post and their goalie producing a magnificent save to deny him.i'm looking for more tonight from all the players against the tarriers

abs- you mean the harriers?







watson- oh,yes the harriers......they are a decent side and before their defeat to glen cloy they were 6 games unbeaten which is pretty good altghough they have only won one game away from home so we need to capatalise on the fact they dont seem to travel well

Tune in tonight to see the outcome of this important match for both sides


Holy Isle dominate holey MachrieHoly Isle Monkeys continued their march for the title with a resounding two nil victory over Athletico Machrie at Machrie Moor.

Athletico completely dominated possession in the first half but the only chance fell to the Monkeys, who squandered it. The second half painted a different picture for the Monkeys, dominating in both possession and chances, and securing the victory thanks to a neat goal from Horatio Tamburini, who managed to stay onside from Martin Puranen's delightful through ball and slot the ball home through Machrie keeper Urquhart's legs. A coolly taken ninety-second minute freekick from Thawanya Kitthawee sealed the deal for the Monkeys.

Athletico Machrie manager MrJobby was heard to shout "fucking pissing shite!" as he trundled up the tunnel but it will require more than expletives to sort out Athletico's obvious fitness problems.

Monkeys' manager Discotron finds himself in a strong position going into the last three games of the APL and could even bring the trophy back to The Monastery, football's spiritual home, with two games to go if results go the right way.

Thunderguy Harriers will have some part to play in the proceedings when Holy Isle visit A Field in the next round of matches. They will be going all out for victory to try and secure a top half finish and extend the chase for the title.

Prior to that match, Holy Isle travel to The Rockpools to face North Sannox Midges in the second leg of the JAFFA Cup. Following the three nil first leg victory, Holy Isle have one foot in the final but will nevertheless be prepared for the second leg onslaught that the Midges produced in the last round to defeat Athletico Machrie.

With the end of the season nearing there remain five teams still mathematically able to win the league but hopes will rest on MrJobby's shoulders to try and steal the title from under the nose of Discotron.

There's all to play for at The Monastery...




2009-09-18 19:17Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybDownbeat Panthers consider futureWe managed to catch up with a very downbeat Panthers manager after their loss to Nags.

ABS – What did you make of the game?

Donnyb – To say I’m absolutely gutted would be an understatement. Imagine losing to that mob!

ABS – Did anyone get pass marks from you?

Donnyb – Our keeper did.

ABS – You seem very downbeat at the moment. Are you considering your future.

Donny – I am downbeat because of results. But I’ve got the backing of the board and we do have a plan. I just expected us to win a few more games. We’ve got a very young team and some of the experience they’ve gained will be invaluable for next season. We’ve also tinkered with our tactics a lot. We’ve got a plan A, plan B and a plan C now. But this still does not change the fact we’re leaking too many goals and not scoring enough!

ABS – So you’ve indentified the areas you need to strengthen?

Donny – I certainly have. We’ll be active in the Transfer window. I’ll also be attending expert 11 school this summer.

ABS – Xpert 11 school?

Donny – Yes. Although I won’t be going pro like ChrisMac and Mr Jobby though.

ABS – Why not?

Donny – Work it out for yourself! Just one last word on those two along with Gman. They’re cheats. I hope they’re investigated this summer. They all seem to be from the Wenger school of management. They never see any of the incidents.

ABS – Cryptic

Donny – No it’s not! I said they are cheats. What’s cryptic about that? I see you’re still an idiot.





Glen Cloy Triumph In Brodick Derby!Classic Match Ruins Rosa's Title Chances

The final game of the season at Underwood Park saw Glen Cloy Rangers emerge victorious with a stunning 4-1 win which broke Glen Rosa hearts and put to rest any title winning dreams their manager Smegor may have had.

The home team looked sharp in the first half with Glen Hamilton coming close several times until Toshack scored a debatable free kick on 33mins. Then just before the interval Ash Stride looked to have sealed the points for the Ramblers, only for his goal to be disallowed! The resulting tantrum from Smegor on the sidelines has already made youtube apparently...

The half time team talk from MacDonald must have been something else as the team came out fired up for the second half and the game exploded into life. On 54mins Stride was booked for still complaining to the ref which led to Celso Ortiz setting up Gregor Cumming to head home the equalizer from a corner.

This classic 10 minute spell of derby action then saw a flurry of bookings and injuries as both teams lost defenders to tackles that any Lamlash player would have been proud of! Young Ramblers defender Charlster Hendry's sending off for elbowing reduced Glen Rosa to 10 men and then Hamilton was finally rewarded with a goal on 64mins set up by substitute Wittmann.

Gers captain and star man Alastair Fletcher was in outstanding form throughout the match as he inspired the team to a famous victory. The final period of the match saw young star in the making Carlos Mendoza finally break the strikers goal drought as he headed home goal number 3 before the Xpert Captain Fletcher set up Cannon from yet another corner to make it 4-1 and send the Underwood Park fans absolutely bonkers:

"It was a fantastic match that had everything and I'm happy to report that their was no trouble at the game despite the heavy police presence requested by the Ramblers." said Gers gaffer MacDonald who then added "It worked out well though as the police were needed after all to escort Smegor back to his hut in the woods and protect him from some very angry Red Rose Ultras!"

"Next up we have the cup semi-final away to Thundergay with my only concern being whether Euan McDonut will pass a late fitness test. I'm hopeful we can defend our 1-0




advantage but that depends on where the Harriers let our team bus park... their facilities leave a lot to be desired!!"

The fantastic derby victory for Glen Cloy saw them jump up to 8th place in the APL with 3 games remaining, all tough away fixtures however, but the Gers will be looking to the JAFFA Cup game tomorrow as their chance to make history and reach the cup final.

"One thing is for certain..." MacDonald finished "the Holy Isle Monkeys must be stopped!!!"


Poor home form lost us the titleAthletico Machrie's manager has this week conceded that the APL league title will be heading to the Holy Isle after losing 2-0 at home to the Monkeys.

'The league race is over. With 3 games remaining the Monkeys would have to lose 2 of them. That's not going to happen, have you seen their run in??'

'Our players didn't turn up. It was a must win game for us, I can only do so much as a manger. The players have to take responsibility for their poor performance.'

'Our home record has been atrocious. Only the Pirnmill Panthers have a worse home record, and that's just embarassing. We are now considering relocating for next season.'


JAFFA Cup Semi finals2009-09-13 Holy Isle Monkeys - North Sannox Midges 3 - 0 2009-09-20 North Sannox Midges - Holy Isle Monkeys 1 - 2

The Holy Isle Monkeys win 5-1 on aggregate.

The first leg saw the Monkeys play in an unfamiliar 4-3-3 formation against an experimental 3-5-2 for the Midges, an experiment that failed as they lost 3-0 to a Helder Spora breakaway and 2 headers by Kitti Vishywishychikitikihun.







The second match saw both teams return to their favourite formations but the Monkey's midfield was again too strong as they swatted the Midges 2-1, goals coming from Saignow early in the first half with Martin Puranen scoring the winner on 88mins after Steve McMutton had equalised on the hour mark. The only drawback for Holy Isle will be the loss of star midfielder Horation Tamburini for the next two games due to injury but the Arran Ale Cup winners now have a chance of winning the treble in this historic first APL season!

2009-09-13 Glen Cloy Rangers - Thunderguy Harriers 1 - 0 2009-09-20 Thunderguy Harriers - Glen Cloy Rangers 3 - 2

Glen Cloy Rangers win on away goals after an aggregate score of 3-3.

A solid 1-0 home win for the Gers in the first leg saw their defence, led by Gregor Cumming, completely dominate the Harriers who had no shots on goal for 90mins. Arnie Aitken smashed home a shot on 34mins from a Cannon lay-off to give the team a great chance to advance to the final.

The second game was a cup classic with Alexe Irinoiu scoring straight from kick-off only for Glen Hamilton to rifle in a header 3mins later. A flurry of first half bookings followed until Irinoiu set up Matheson before half time to make it 2-1 but with Glen Cloy going through on away goals as it stood.

Irinoiu then gave the Harriers a 3-1 lead on 70mins and they must have thought for the final 20 minutes that they had done enough to reach the final and although the Gers dominated possession the only action was the injuries of several players as both teams fought hard for the win.

But it was the introduction of super-sub Joe Love on 80mins for the injured Mendoza up front that was the turning point as Fletcher set him up in midfield to score a screamer from 35 yards in injury time. This sent the away fans bonkers and after the final whistle they sang 'Stop the treble, stop the treble...' to the tune of Stop the Pigeon, overjoyed that their team Glen Cloy Rangers had reached the JAFFA Cup final where they will face the Holy Isle Monkeys in what promises to be an epic encounter!______JAFFA





Gers Prepare For Cup FinalCup Final Game One Preview

Following the epic 3-2 semi-final defeat to Thunderguy that still saw Glen Cloy advance to the JAFFA Cup Final, the Gers played Athletico Machrie in the league and lost 2-1 despite a spirited performance. ABS caught up with manager Chris Mac for his thoughts on the match and the upcoming final against the Monkeys:

CM "I thought we played well against a strong team but i'd be lying if I said we weren't already looking ahead to the final. Our league position of 9th doesn't seem too bad when you consider we have double the points of Pirnmill while the league leaders have double our points. So you see we're actually mid-table but it's just that the Panthers are that bad! They are still playing at division 1 level and I doubt their board will tolerate the outbursts from their gaffer much longer, he's an embarrassment to football, when he actually shows up for his games!"

ABS "Yes the Pirnmill manager has had plenty to say about you in the press..."

CM "He's just jealous of our team, facilities, strip, stadium, youth academy etc."

ABS "Anyway moving on to the cup final or we could be here all day, are your team ready to play against an opponent you have a 0-1-4 record against?"

CM "Absolutely, we have a lot of responsibility on our shoulders to help prevent the treble following the awful attempt by Thunderguy to take points off Holy Isle in the league, a feat I don't think Benlister Rovers will accomplish either this week!"

"But the lads have been training hard all week and we have a solid gameplan, plus we have watched Shaolin Soccer twice in the last fortnight!! I put in an application to change the club name to Team Evil but it was unfortunately rejected."

ABS "Holy Isle have lost Thawanya Kitthawee following his altercation with a chicken during their last league match, do you have any injury worries ahead of the big game?"

CM "Yes Joe Love took a knock after tripping over a granite rock from circle number 3 and faces a race to make the final squad. Apart from that we are good to go and thanks to Machrie for the pagan ritual they bestowed on us ahead of the final, we're hoping it conjures up some nice evil spirits to help Team Ev.... erm.. the team distract the Monkeys from their Kung Fu Soccer!!!"

ABS "Mr MacDonald thank you for your time and good luck in the final."

CM "Nae bother but if you'll excuse me it's Friday night, i'm off to Nags...."

Tune in this Sunday at 7pm to see if Glen Cloy can take the early advantage in the

JAFFA Cup Final game 1 at Underwood Park.


2009-09-27 14:20Nags LegendsArran Premier LeagueManager: Gman11RumoursRumours continue that Legends are seeking to make their first transfer moves this season. The loyal squad has shown great stability over the season with some recent fantastic results carved out. In the latest league encounter at Sandbraes, where the Ramblers made the journey south, it proved to be a hard fought bruising battle with the Legends coming out on top. Here's to a good run in till the season close.

2009-09-27 22:27Glen Rosa RamblersArran Premier LeagueManager: SmegorRosa Ready for end of seasonThe men from the glen are waiting for the end of the season so this group of players can rest and go on holiday to the mainland!!! It has been a difficult 2nd half of the season and the manager is wishing he bought a couple of extra players to help with the squad in times of injuries and suspensions. These setbacks have cost us any chance of being in the running for the title but hats of to the Holy Isle who have been our and probably the rest of leagues bogey team. it looks like they will wrap up the title on Thursday but i do hope our rival team Glen Cloy stops them from a domestic treble and wins the second leg next week.


Monkeys win away in first leg of finalHoly Isle Monkeys travelled to Underwood Park to take on Glen Cloy Rangers in the first leg of the JAFFA Cup and ran out 2-1 winners.

Helder Spora scored early on from a Martin Puranen freekick to nudge the Monkeys in front but a dramatic ending to the game was the real highlight.

On 85 minutes Glen Cloy were awarded a dubious penalty, which Alec Cannon cannoned in off the post but more drama was to follow just three minutes later when










Holy Isle were awarded a stonewall penalty after Magic Bluegerra handled in the box. Nuta-Laya Saignow stepped up to cooly despatch it and send the Buddhist Boys home happy.

Holy Isle will hope the two away goals will be a good foundation for claiming the trophy next week when the second leg takes place at The Monastery, football's spiritual home, but the Rangers will be gunning for victory and may have to come up with a few surprises to get the two goal victory that will probably be required to snatch the trophy from Discotron's Monkeys.

In the next round of matches in the APL, Holy Isle welcome Benlister Rovers to The Monastery and will be looking to continue their impressive record against them and wrap up the title with a game to spare.

That would leave the last day fixture against Pirnmill Panthers available to give some of the squad players a run out to improve their average form and hopefully gain a good change report after the season has finished.

2009-09-28 12:48Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybMissing again...ABS – Where were you last Thursday for the game?

Donnyb – Drunk in Boulder.

ABS – Boulder!

Donnyb – Aye Boulder. It was my last night and I was out with colleagues from my second job. I missed the game and did not make the changes I wanted.

ABS – Why not?

Donnyb – There’s a 7 hour time difference!

ABS – That’s not excuse.

Donnyb – What can I say. I was still drunk and had loads of work to do.

ABS – Very poor!

Donnyb – Piss off!





Rangers Dominate Nags LegendsAway Win Sees Gers Climb to 8th in APL

A 3-1 win away to Nags Legends saw Glen Cloy Rangers take 8th place in the APL with a chance to climb as high as 6th if results go their way in the last round of fixtures. Lyle McCartney gave the so called Legends a 6th minute lead before an Ortiz header, stunning Fletcher freekick and a Menodoza strike finished off Nags.

Rival Manager Gman was embarrassed at the final whistle as the Nagettes got friendly with several Glen Cloy fans and started singing anti-Whitley Bay songs.

Three teams are on 20 points going into the last league game with two of the teams playing each other in the final game as Rangers face Thundergay Harriers. Bendover Rovers will play Athletico Machrie with pride now the only thing at stake following the Holy Isle Monkeys title win this week as they won the Arran Premier League's inaugural season.

Rovers got pumped 4-1 by the Monkeys this week as they wrapped up the title victory in stylish fashion at home. Now it's down to the Gers to try and stop an incredible treble by Holy Isle in this Sunday's JAFFA Cup Final second game!

______JAFFA


Holy Isle Monkeys win the trebleHoly Isle Monkeys bagged the treble tonight in the inaugural season of the APL when Glen Cloy Rangers visited The Monastery in the second leg of the JAFFA Cup final.

The Monkeys managed to hold onto a slender 2-1 away victory in the first leg and secured the trophy with a hard fought nil all draw at home in the second leg. Glen Cloy performed admirably and kept the Holy Isle at bay with Euan McDonut claiming the away man of the match award and a special mention to their goalie, Thomas MacFinlay, who kept a clean sheet.







Discotron seemed rather subdued after claiming an historic treble which is never likely to be seen again.

Discotron said, "Don't get me wrong, winning the treble in the first season is unheard of and an amazing feat for the team, but i just wonder how much effort every other manager is putting into their team. My squad is very average and the treble flatters them, other teams are well capable of winning at least one trophy. I hope they see this season as a blip and are building to make a challenge in the future. That can be the only reason for the Monkeys' success unless they really have given up!".

Discotron's tirade might be seen as the kick up the arse that the other managers need but it seems a little strange from a manager who expects nothing but victories and success for his club.

In the last round of the league, Holy Isle Monkeys face Pirnmill Panthers at home and will be trying out the youngsters to see if they are able to make the necessary step up to the first team in order for the Monkeys' to retain the title next season.

The Monkeys will be parading their trophies after the game and are expecting a record attendance.....


watson refects on season finalein a brief interview with stormers manager,watson,he gave us his views on the season gone by and his hopes for next season

abs- we havnt heard from you in a while,whats been happening since we last spoke to you?

watson-there have been a couple of games-pirnmill and thundergay with one win and a draw.the harriers match was hard to bear as we were not in the game at all until the last 10 mins where we scored 2 to tie the game and then as easily predicted we won at pirnmill

abs-so how have you viewed the season gone by?

watson- not great! we have only lost 2 in the last 10 but too many draws have held us back and i'll put my hands up and take all the blame,coming into my first season i was




pretty niave for the first 6-7 games.bad signings,bad tactics and not enough work with the players has cost us this season

abs- and to your final game and a look to next season/

watson- glen rosa........we are looking to finish the season on a high but i suppose they are too,if we win we will rise to 5th place which is a massive incentive for us and one i hope the players realise they must take,alot of the players are playing for their future and i hope we dont defend like the manky mob from the east end did yesterday.......2 goals in 15 mins is hard to recover from...as was witnessed by all,i only wish we played them every week as they are a terrible side with no flair or imagination and think they are far better than they really are...sides like that are always found outnext season is a fresh start and hopefully we'll get a good cup run and finish higher up the table than this year and i'll be taking this years experience with me to try and achieve this.one last thing before i go is to congratulate the treble winners...well done!


breaking news!one of our reporters tonight spotted stormers manager watson boarding a plane at glasgow airport and leaving the country just days before their last game of the season!

details are still sketchy at the moment but as far as we know he got on a plane bound for ibiza

upon trying to contact anyone at the club we have had no reply but were left witth an answer phone message of someone singing "i'm off to the sun.............get it up yous"

as soon as we have any more news on whether this is a scouting trip or just a jolly you'll find it here first





MacDonald In End Of Season Rant!Final APL Game Sees Glen Cloy Rangers Finish 9th

As the dramatic final games in the first APL season played out in A Field, Glen Cloy lost out 2-1 away to Thunderguy Harriers to finish 9th in the league. Although in the relegation zone they still finished a massive 12 points ahead of whipping boys and surefire season 2 relegation candidates Pirnmill and only 1 point behind safety.

A disappointed Gers gaffer Chris Mac spoke to the press ahead of the final change report this sunday morning to give his thoughts on the historic first APL season:

"Well Thundergay got lucky with 2 free kicks but fair play to them they are one of the strongest teams and despite our midfield dominating the game they still got the result. I'm confident that next season we will be challenging for honours and i'd just like to add that our captain Ally Fletcher and Euan McDonut in defence are not for sale during the coming transfer window! We will be looking to build for next season and are expecting a positive change report in the coming days."

"I think the Holy Isle Monkeys got lucky winning the treble this season and the next will be their toughest test. I expect Nags and the Panthers to be fighting relegation with those hackers Benlister and it's going to be interesting to see what the managers and teams in Division 1 are capable of..."

"This season we learned a lot and although our low league position is disappointing we could have finished 6th if a couple of results had gone our way which shows the strength of the league and calibre of manager... Donnyb being the obvious exception!"

"Our journey to the JAFFA Cup Final was a highlight as gave those Monkeys a game but unfortunately came up short but it shows the potential that the Rangers have. But our 4-1 thrashing of Glen Rosa Ramblers in the final Brodick derby of the season at Underwood Park is the one the fans will be talking about all year long!"

"I'm confident ahead of next season and look forward to renewing the rivalries that we have built up this past season against.... well.... every team! I'm also looking forward to the cup for the chance to show WBA that there's only one team in West Brodick!!"

"I will take this opportunity to apologise to all the fans for finishing below the Scumlash Rovers, it will never happen again!"




MacDonald then left the press conference to plot the downfall of the Monkeys and continute with his masterplan to win the APL. Whether he is able to hang on to his prized posessions for the forthcoming season remains to be seen...

2009-10-09 15:41Pirnmill PanthersArran Premier LeagueManager: DonnybEnd of season interview with DonnybABS – So how would you access your season?

Donnyb – Shit

ABS – Insightful! So where has it gone wrong?

Donnyb – It’s pretty obvious is it not?

ABS – Is it?

Donnyb – Yes! Why don’t you try answering it?

ABS – At the back and up front?

Donnyb – There you go! You know I hope you go to journalism school during the break. You’re rubbish! Yes we’ve been conceding too many goals and not scoring enough! Our midfield is strong though. I’ll be very active in the transfer market. Some players will be moving on as well.

ABS – So it’s going to be a busy summer?

Donnyb – There you go Einstein! Yes I’ll be busy! I might have a few problems moving some of the players on so I’ve asked for access to gman’s dungeon. He’s offered to do a bit of torture. Very kind of him.

ABS – Have you anything else to add?

Donnyb – Yes! I just hope Mr Jobby and Chris Mac are caught out for their corruption. I’m sure they have a dodgy betting scam going on. It should be investigated.

ABS – Thanks for your time.

Donnyb – You should pay me for the amount of time you’ve wasted with rubbish questions!




End of Season 1 Press Archive

Documents

arranpremierleague.webs.com … · Web viewMrJobby returned to his flat late one night last week to find the place had been ransacked. 2 laptops, the xbox 360 and a nintendo wii had