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Alcala 1
Jessica Alcala
English 475
Robert Nazar
7 December 2017
Breaking Free
She tries to wake up from this daydream, unable to move or speak. Her body starts to
sweat in a panicked frenzy. Her chest is heavy with dread and
hopelessness, keeping her from moving. She tries desperately to pull
herself out of this state of paralysis. Her vision is tunneled from the
unknown abyss of her subconscious and vague sense of reality. She
takes a deep breath and finally submerges from her horrendous trance, only to realize this is the
reality of her everyday life. After so many years gone and memories left blank Jessica Alcala
feels defeated in battling with her depression and anxiety for so long. She finally decides to
surrender and let go of her egotistical pride and find a way out. In Jessica Alcala’s powerful
drawing titled “Stronger than My Struggle,” she represents her triumph of breaking free from her
mental illness.
The first aspect that signifies her mental state is the black brain. The brain is located at
the very top center part of the drawing. The brain is wrapped in rope, chains and barbwire. In a
few spots of the brain, you can start to see bright yellow lights bursting thru the brain. Alcala’s
brain is black; she has vanished in the shadows of her many
demons. The barbwire is a constant reminder of the mental anguish
of her addictive personalities and the way she self medicates with
whatever she can get her hands on. The rope is suffocating; she is
paralyzed with fear and anxiety unable to breathe life into herself. She is chained down by her
Alcala 2
depression, a disease that may always linger. Over time these burdens have taken a toll on
Alcala, and have resulted in her mind deteriorating. She cannot trust herself, she cannot trust her
thoughts. After years of mental destruction she sees a light in the darkness of her thoughts. This
light is the beginning of Alcala’s inspiration to break free of the grasp that this mental illness has
on her. In result, Alcala’s brain has rotted from being unaided with her depression and anxiety
for so long.
The next inspirational imagine in Jessica Alcala’s drawing is the cross. The cross is
bright yellow and it is in the center of the drawing. The yellow colors shine throughout the entire
picture. Its rays of yellow are bursting out of the brain, and over the heart. The cross represents
the hope Alcala has found in herself. The yellow symbolize the joy she feels in her life. The
cross is centered in the middle of the drawing purposely because god is the center of her world.
The cross of hope ruptures thru the rotted brain, and breaking her free of
the restraints. Although her chain is still linked to her disorder, for the
first time in a long time, she is finally starting to break free of her manic
depressive state. Depression is not something Alcala can sure but with
the grace of God, Alcala is able to feel the joy of hope again. God has
given Alcala a sense of freedom; free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame. Her hope spreads
throughout her drawing and continues to shine upon the heart and hands. Ultimately, the bright
yellow cross is the center of where Alcala’s hope lies.
Another reflection of motivation in the drawing “Stronger than My Struggle” is the heart.
The heart is located at the bottom center of Alcala’s drawing. The realistic heart is shaped in the
size of an actual heart. It is red and looks essentially healthy. The heart is being held up by
hands. Alcala’s heart is strong, and it has not been affected by her brain; they do not make
Alcala 3
correlation to one another. Unlike the brain her heart is healthy alive and existing. Her heart is
what keeps her motivated. She finds strength in the love of god and the
love of the people around her. Alcala’s heart is filled with the
reminders of what to live for; her family, friends, her child and herself.
Her love for others is what keeps her heart beating, keeps her
breathing, and keeps her feeling alive. Alcala’s heart beats for the love
of others and the love of god. Without her heart Alcala would be left
with just her brain. Overall, the active beating heart is Alcala’s way of finding love through all
her struggles.
The last image in the drawing is the hands of encouragement. The hands are located in
the center of the very bottom of the drawing. The hands are holding the heart up. These hands are
small and chubby. The fingernails are painted with the color pink. These hands are cute and
little, but to Alcala these are the most significant, intimidating hands she’s ever seen. The nails
are painted pink which indicates a little girls hands; Alcala’s little girl. These hands hold the
existence of who she is, not only her heart but to her soul. This small child who is so oblivious of
the magnitude she has on Alcala’s life, and the imprint she has made. These tiny hands are
holding her heart up because without this little girl, Alcala’s
heart would fall. Her daughter is a remembrance from God of
all the love and beauty in Alcala's world. She was given to
Alcala at a specific time and moment in her life for a purpose. These sweet, tiny hands saved
Alcala from herself. All in all, these little hands are the source of Alcala’s inspiration to never
give up.
Alcala 4
After hiding in her own head for so long Jessica Alcala can feel herself emerge from the
despairing quicksand of her mental illness. She can breathe life into herself, like breathing in the
morning dew after a night of rain. The feeling of freedom and peace scurry her body, leaving her
with a smirk on her face, an expression that she forgot existed. She is not afraid of her illness,
she is awakened. Awakened by her love for others and the love of god is what keeps her feeling
alive, and most importantly those little hands are the motivation to prevail over her tribulations .
She can see beyond the scope of her illness pass her pain and guilt and forward onto a bright
beautiful future. In Jessica Alcala’s drawing titled “Stronger than My Struggle,” she shares her
recovery of being liberated from her mental disorder. Alcala may battle with this illness for the
rest of her life but she will not let it take away one more moment of who she is and what she’s
worth.