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Berghmans Lhoist Chaired Professor in Entrepreneurial Leadership
Founding Director, Wendel International Centre for Family Enterprise
INSEAD - Europe and Asia
Randel Carlock
Exploring and Strengthening Your Family
Communication
Dad, why don’t you communicate your caring or love?
This Workshop is about You and Your Communication
Sonja Lyubomirsky. Positive Psychology Studies on HappinessInternational Positive Psychology Association (IPPA) at the quarterly Leader's Series held on December 10, 2008.
Nature and nurture account for about 60 percent of a person's ability to interact and experience the world.
-Nature: genetics, DNA, biology
-Nurture: environment, parenting, family, childhood
Individual behavior accounts for about 40 percent of a person's effectiveness and happiness. Intentional activities including habits, actions, and thought patterns based on how a person chooses to behave.
Effective communication is listening to create a dialogue
between two or more persons with a goal of sharing
information. The communication process is completed when
the receiver has understood the sender’s message
through feedback.
What is Communication? The Basis of All Relationships
Communication is when one person affects another;
it includes all human behavior.
Extended
Family
Family
Financial
EnvironmentWork/career/
vocation
Community/society
Marriage/partnership
Friends
Positive Interpersonal Relationships Make a Happy Life
Happiness Dimensions of a Life
Financial
Environment
SpiritualGrowth &learning
Health &
fitnessSpiritual
Growth &learning
Health &
fitness
Next generatio
n
Extended
Family
Family
Work/career/
vocation
Community/society
Marriage/partnership
Friends
Relationship Dimensions of a Life
Next generation
Source: Olson, D., Sprenkle, D., & Russell, C. (1979). The Circumplex Model ofMarriage and Family Systems: Cohesion and Adaptability Dimensions, Family Typesand Clinical Applications. Family Process, 18, 3-28 (original research, modified three times).
Family Functioning: The Circumplex Model
• Cohesion describes the family’s emotional bonding (closeness)
• Flexibility describes the family’s ability to change relationships, roles and rules (adaptability)
• Communication is the tool to learn new behaviors and meaning
04/19/2314.07.07
7
Cohesion: Family Connections, Love, Closeness
• Separateness – togetherness: How does your family balance?
• Family closeness: How close do family members feel to each other?
• Loyalty: How loyal are family members?
• Activities: Do people usually engage in activities alone or together?
• Independent – dependent: How independent (or dependent) are family members?
Flexibility: Family Control is about the Family’s Rules
•Leadership: Is power shared between parents/adults?
•Communication: How are differences or conflicts negotiated in your family?
•Roles: Are family members restricted to certain roles?
•Rules: Do rules seem appropriate for age of family members? Have the rules evolved over time?
•Change: How adaptable is your family to change?
Communications Improves Family Relationships
1. There is a good degree of closeness between family members
2. There is good quality communication between family members
3. The family works to resolve conflicts
4. The family effectively discusses problems
5. Criticism is fair
6. It improves the quality of your sex life
7. I have a real concern for my extended family
8. I am satisfied with how we communicate with each other
9. My family members express affection to each other
10. My family members are able to ask each other for what they want
Source: Circumplex Model of Family Couple Functioning. Olson, D.. (2003)
Exercise: Family Communication Questionnaire Listed below are a series of statements that represent possible feelings that individuals might have about their family. Based on
your feelings about your family, please indicate your degree of agreement or disagreement with each statement by using one of the five response choices below to rate each statement. Total your points as a tool for discussing family communications.
RESPONSE CHOICES
For each of the following statements, choose the number that best describes your family:
_____ 1. Family members are satisfied with how we communicate with each other.
_____ 2. Family members are good listeners.
_____ 3. Family members express affection to each other.
_____ 4. Family members talk about important issues.
_____ 5. When angry, family members avoid saying things that would be better left unsaid.
_____ 6. Family members discuss their beliefs and ideas with each other.
_____ 7. When family members ask questions of each other, we get honest answers.
_____ 8. Family members try to understand each other’s feelings.
_____ 9. Family members calmly discuss problems with each other.
_____ 10. We express our true feelings to each other
_____ Total Points
1DOES NOT
describe ourfamily at all
2SLIGHTLY
describes ourfamily
3SOMEWHAT
describes ourFamily
4GENERALLY
describes our family
5VERY WELL
describes our family
© 1996 D. H. Olson. Family Social Science. University of Minnesota. Modified 1999 by Randel S. Carlock
Family Communication Assessment Scoring
Family Communications
Effectiveness Rating
CommunicationsScore
Very High 50-44
High 43-38
Moderate 37-33
Low 32-29
Very Low 28-15
Communication: Two Simultaneous & Interactive Roles
Receiver•Decoding the message•Developing a thought or idea•Feedback to sender
Sender•Encoding a message about a thought or idea
•Receiving feedback
Thought Thought
Sending
Miscommunication
Feedback
Communication is not Easy for many Reasons
Encoding message
Sending the message
Our careers are going well and I think we need a new car! Decoding message
I agree! A new car will be great for our family!
Sending the message
Encoding message
Three Dimensions of Effective CommunicationThree Dimensions of Effective Communication
Agreements, Location, Activities
List
enin
g an
d
hear
ing
Beliefs, Thinking
and FeelingsCommunicati
on SkillsCommunicati
on SkillsPsychological
Factors
Process, Structures and Environment
Deep Listening
Reflective Listening
Self-disclosure
Human Barriers to Effective Communication
Communication SkillsCommunications behaviors and skills: Listening with respect, empathy, reflecting, “I” statements, self disclosure, clarity, continuity, or valuing the relationship.
PsychologyPersonality: Our narcissistic tendencies to focus on ourselves, rather than the other person. Painful or difficult communication stimulate defense mechanisms like avoidance, denial or blame.
Beliefs, values, goals and culture: Humans understand something new based on their experiences. We listen uncritically to persons who agree with us while we struggle with difference.
Process and environmental Shared goals, processes for communicating, clear roles, the right location or space, eliminating noise or any other stimulus that provides a potential distraction.
Exercise Two MinutesDeep Listening Skills Versus Multi Task Listening
1. Find your mobile telephone. Write down the name and number of an important call you received this week and need to return.
2. DO NOT think about the conflict you had this morning.
1. Write down on a white card something you need to do at work this afternoon after our workshop.
2. Write down what you are planning for dinner.
2. While doing the above, TURN to the person next to you and both of describe and share a successful communication experience.
Take out your mobile phone, some papers, reading and a pen.
Confrontational listeningEngaged but thinking of rebuttals, your ideas and point of view etc.
Deep listening
Outside of yourself, aware of both content and meaning, hearing with your 3rd ear
Active listening
Very focused on what the other person, reflecting their ideas, words and thinking
Conversational listeningCasual listening, not deeply engaged, appearing interested
Engaging in several tasks including text And conversation
Multi task listening
Communications Skill One: Deeper Levels of Listening
Exercise OneDeep Listening Means Deep Respect
Respect and Valuing
the Relationship
EffectivenessHighLow
Lack of respect for
Feelings of others
Somewhat respectful of others feelings
Consistently respectful of
other’s feelings
Communications Skill Two: Reflective/Active Listening
• The human tendency to judge, evaluate, and approve any emotionally meaningful statement is a major barrier to interpersonal communication
• Using another person’s words and ideas is being reflective. It connects you with what the other person considers important.
• Curiosity to hear what the other person hears, feels and what life is like for another person.
• Feelings are “facts” and we need to recognize ours and accept others.• Listening helps you because as you learn to listen you become more
accepting of yourself.
Source: Carl Rogers, Barriers and Gateways to Communication
Exercise Two - Two MinutesReflective Listening - Play Both Roles
1. EACH PERSON: Write down one idea you want to share about a communication challenge you face at work or home.
2. SPEAKER: Share your idea.
1. LISTENER: Carefully listen to the speaker’s every word and then make two comments or ask questions using some of the speaker’s specific words. It sounds like you have a “struggle talking with your partner about dual careers” . . . or “talking about dual careers” is always tough . .
2. Trade roles and do the exercise again.
Exercise TwoDemonstrating Reflective or Active Listening
ReflectiveListening
EffectivenessHighLow
Seldom reflects ideas
Sometimes reflects ideas
Often reflectsideas
• Reflective listening starts with hearing not speaking
• Reflective listening demonstrates hearing and empathy
• Reflective listening means refusing to think for the other
• Reflective listening is learning to discover the other person’s inner qualities
Exercise Three - Two MinutesCommunications Skill Two: Self-disclosure “I” Statements
1. EACH PERSON: Write down on a white card a serious communication challenge you have recently faced in your family or personal life.
2. SPEAKER: Turn to the person next to you and share your communication challenge.
3. LISTENER: Attempt to connect with the speaker by sharing something about your experience being carefully so speak briefly.
4. Trade roles and do the exercise again.
• Values based (I believe)
• Self disclosure (I am sad)
• Demonstrated commitment to relationships (I need you)
• Strengthens family relationships based on trust (I am hurt)
• Key activity for problem-solving (I can help)
Self-disclosure and “I” Statements
EffectivenessHighLow
Moderate sharing
of feelings
High sharing of feelings
Low sharing of feelings
“I” Statements
Speaks mainly for oneself
Speaks for oneself more than for
others
Often speaks for others
Self-disclosure
Skills for Effective Interpersonal Communications
EffectivenessHighLow
Clarity
Continuity/Tracking
Incongruence between verbal &
non-verbal messages
Speaking skills-
I Statements
Seldom reflects ideas
Sometimes reflects ideas
Often reflects ideas
Lack of respect for Feelings of others
Respect valuing
the relationship
Somewhat respectful
of others feelings
Consistently respectful of
other’s feelings
Listening skill-reflecting
Some clarity,but not consistent
across time
Verbal messages very clear
Frequent/inappropriate topic changes
Topic changes not consistently appropriate
Appropriate topic
changes
*Adapted from D.H. Olson. (1996). Family Assessment Package. St. Paul, MN: University of Minnesota.
Speaks mainly for oneself
Speaks for oneself more than for others
Often speaks for others
Self-disclosureLow sharing of
feelingsHigh sharing of
feelingsModerate sharing
of feelings
Dad why Didn’t you Just Say It? I love you son!
Thank you for Listening
“When you say I love you, is that just to remind yourself?”
Listening may be the mostbeautiful gift that we can give someone, it is like telling the other person: You are important to me, you are interesting, I am happy that you are here. All without saying a word!