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10 Secrets to Boost Your

Emotional Intelligence

How to

use your emotions

as a guide to career and

business success

by Gail Sussman Millerby Gail Sussman Millerby Gail Sussman Millerby Gail Sussman Miller


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page i

Inspired ChoiceTM Gail Sussman Miller 2009 Gail Sussman Miller www.inspiredchoice.com

Welcome to Your

Emotional Intelligence Guide to Success

What if you could reduce or even avoid conflicts at work?

What if you could elicit more volunteerism, cooperation and

collaboration from others?

What might happen if you could better manage your initial

emotional reactions to incidents and then respond vs. react?

Imagine being better able to seek agreement with others with less

judgment and more ease?

That is the power ofemotional intelligence.

Your starter kit awaits you!


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page ii


About Sharing this eBook

This eBook is a gift for your personal use. You are a lifelong

learner and seeker and you asked for this eBook. I hope that you will

find value and inspiration to create positive change in your work

world and in life.

I encourage you to share this eBook with others, along with the

various offers included, by referring friends and colleagues to the

Emotional Intelligence area of the www.InspiredChoice.com site

so they can sign up for their own copy. This is the direct web address:

www.inspiredchoice.com/emotional-intelligence/.

I request that you do notsend them a copy of this eBook file

directly. This protects the integrity of this eBook and makes sure your

friends get signed up in the Inspired Choice system. That will ensure

they receive the same follow-up and future offers you will receive.

Thanks for your integrity in this matter. I appreciate that and

I appreciate you!


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page iii


Table of Contents

PageWelcome . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . i

About Sharing this eBook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ii

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . iv

How to Use this eBook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii

What is Emotional Intelligence? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Secret #1 Be Conscious and Aware. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

Secret #2 Take Response-ability . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

Secret #3 Know Your Self . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Secret #4 What is about Me vs. Them . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12

Secret #5 Seek to Neutralize Events. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15

Secret #6 Operate from Love, Not Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19

Secret #7 Agreement without Judgment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

Secret #8 Create Moments of Stillness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24

Secret #9 Design Alliances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

Secret #10 Hold a Bigger Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30

About Gail Sussman Miller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34

Emotional Intelligence Training Results . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

More Opportunities to Learn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page iv


Introduction

How do we leap into playing bigger, doing what seems scary,

and stretching ourselves? Often we are called forth by a challenge, a

competition, a dare, a reward, a vision. Well, I was called forth by a

coach, author and friend, Lynn Serafinn.

Its fun to share how this eBook came to be written, my first. If

you have ever given any thought whatsoever to writing a book

(perhaps youve thought about it for many years), it may inspire you

to hear what ignited me into action.

I wanted to support Lynn in her April 7, 2009 launch of her

wonderfully inspiring and spiritual first self-published book, The

Garden of the Soul. Lynn invited me to join 25 other colleagues to

offer a free gift as a thank you for purchasing her book.

Foremost, I have a passion for sharing the power of emotional

intelligence and so I am always looking for platforms to do so. (Hmm,

from a Law of Attraction viewpoint I asked and I was given that

which I desire!) I saw an opportunity to reach a large audience and to

gain exposure to my work.

I wanted to be a YES! no matter what and therefore; I only

had 3 weeks in which to create this eBook! I love a good challenge

and a tight deadline helps me turn obstacles like fear, which begets

procrastination, into opportunity and action. The real challenge was


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page v


to avoid perfectionism. As a recovering perfectionist, I practiced a

new mantra -- completion not perfection. So, there may be a stray

word here and there. I wanted you to get this knowledge NOW!

Lynn encouraged me to start with my existing one-page list of

10 ways to boost emotional intelligence. I first created the tips as a

summary to a business workshop I delivered. She helped me see that

all I had to do was simply flush out each of the 10 secrets and, voila! I

would fill an eBook. Easy!

Actually, thats the essence of a great marketing concept;

repurposing! Its taking something youve created in one deliverable

format, like my tips page, and reformulating it into an eBook,

workbook, audio product, video, etc. I didnt have to start with a

blank page and could be inspired by my own first effort.

Finally, for all you book-writing-wannabees, I realized that a

self-published eBook requires no publisher approval, no huge

manuscript, almost no processing and no cost besides my time. All I

needed to do was to accept the challenge, make the commitment,

focus on capturing my knowledge and my bottom-line desire to

motivate YOU into a new mindset and new habits.

I happily share with you the result of this process. Now its my

turn to callyou forth. What valuable lessons have you had in life that,

combined with your unique perspective, and can be encapsulated into

10 tips of your own? How can you inspire and teach others? Give


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page vi


this 10 minutes of thought and email me your ideas! Ill help you

take the next step to get started! Truly. I mean it. Really.

So thank you, Lynn, for the power of your coaching, helping

me see the ease of this eBook, and giving me a platform from which

to share it. I cant wait to write my next book, e or otherwise.

As you read this eBook, I hope youll find one new emotional

intelligence practice that inspires you to get to better know,

appreciate, accept and love yourself. In doing so, you will be betterable to observe, know, understand and accept others. This eBook will

help you increase your consciousness about how you think, feel and

act in interactions with your fellow human travelers.

While this material is geared towards using emotional

intelligence skills in your work world, you will benefit greatly in the

fiber of all your relationships in life. Heres to your success.

Gail Sussman Miller


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page vii


How to Use this eBook

There are two ways you can use this eBook. You can read it

through from start to finish, of course. Or you can skim the Table of

Contents and the 10 secrets and dive in on the one that appeals to you

the most. I recommend reading the What is Emotional Intelligence

chapter and then let your intuition be your guide.

To gain immediate benefit*, select one secret to practice in your

business or personal life right away. Notice your instinctive thoughts,

feelings and reactions. Then increase your awareness and mindfully

choose a response vs. an automated, unconscious reaction. See what

the impact is on your mood and on others with whom you interact at

work.

At the end of each secret, you will see an Activity

arrow. This will offer you an option to stop and think,

consider new perspectives and perhaps a way to practice the secret.

Be patient. Be open to new learning and letting go of old

beliefs and ways of acting. These are new ways of thinking, new

habits, and new muscles you are developing. Dont strain yourself!

Experiment, observe and notice the subtle changes in how you feel

about your Self and others.* The author makes no guarantee of success or outcome for which this material is used.

Activity


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence Page 1


What is Emotional Intelligence?

Research suggests that a person's emotional intelligence,

measured as their emotional quotient (EQ), might be a greater

predictor of success than his or her intelligence quotient (IQ), despite

an assumption that people with high IQs will naturally accomplish

more in life. In 1995, psychologist Daniel Goleman popularized this

term with his bookEmotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More

Than IQ. (Source: www.ivillage.com)

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills that defines how

effectively you perceive, understand, reason with and manage yours

and other people's feelings and emotions.

Many traditionalists dont think emotion belongs in the

business world as a topic. Gladly

times are changing. We now not

only know how important

emotions are to the inner workings of business, we are beginning to

talk about it and raise awareness of its power in relationships.

It is vital to realize that your thoughts influence your feelings,

feelings lead to actions and therefore results. The good news is that

you have more tools available to you for building your career orbusiness and making decisions than just your intellect or mind. Your

emotions and your body have intelligence systems of their own.

Thoughts influence feelings,

feelings lead to actionsand therefore results.


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The more you understand what your needs are and how your

emotions get triggered by external factors, the better able you are to

internally manage your emotions and choose how to respond rather

than simply react as if without control.

Daniel Goleman researched leaders in nearly 200 large, global

companies and found that while the qualities traditionally associated

with leadership, such as

intelligence, toughness,

determination, and vision -- are

required for success, they are

insufficient. Truly effective leaders are also distinguished by a high

degree of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence, according to Goleman, is made up of

the following components:

self-awareness: the ability to recognize and understand yourmoods, emotions and drive, as well as your effect on others

self-regulation: the ability to control or redirect disruptiveimpulses and moods and the ability to suspend judgment and

think before acting

motivation: a passion to work for reasons that go beyondmoney or status and a propensity to pursue goals with energy

and persistence

empathy: the ability to understand the emotional makeup ofother people and skill in treating people according to their

emotional reactions

GOOD NEWS!Emotional intelligence can

be learned and improved.It has a 2 to 1 success ratio

over I and technical skills!


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social skill proficiency in managing relationships and buildingnetworks and an ability to find common ground and build

rapport."

In this research, quoted from a 1998 Harvard Business

Review article, Goleman said, "... when I calculated the ratio of

technical skills, IQ, and emotional intelligence as ingredients of

excellent performance, emotional intelligence proved to be twice as

important as the others for jobs at all levels."

If you are curious about trying a free EQ assessment, Google

"emotional intelligence test" and you'll see several, including one at

www.ivillage.com. I cannot vouch for their accuracy. I think they can

give you food for thought just in the questions they ask.

Now, lets dive in on Secret #1 Be Conscious and Aware. It

is the basis for success with emotional intelligence and life.


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Secret #1 Be Conscious and Aware

How mindful are you of what goes on around and inside you?

This secret is listed first because its the key to applying the

others. Its a critical step to help you make decisions, take action and

respond to others with awareness. Being conscious and aware requires

turning off the mindless, unconscious cruise control and living awake

and present, living in the moment.

Can you think of a time when you

drove your car somewhere and when you

arrived you didnt remember actually

driving there? It was as if you had an

autopilot installed in your car and it drove itself. Thats a sure sign

that you were just mindful enough to be safe but perhaps not

conscious enough to experience the ride fully. Boosting your

emotional intelligence requires more fully experiencing your Self and

the world around you.

As Eckhart Tolle teaches in his book, A New Earth, our

deepest inner purpose is to be conscious, awake and present. When

we are able to keep our attention and focus in this moment, we

experience less ego-driven thinking and avoid fear. Fear lives in the

past when we replay events which trigger shame, guilt and worry

about repeating the past. Fear lives in the future where we try to

Our deepest innerpurpose is to beconscious, awake

and present


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anticipate, manipulate, control and insure or avoid events we dont

want to experience. Giving attention to these fears attracts more of

the same thoughts and takes a lot of energy.

When you are present, you step into an observer mode. That

takes you out of ego. This means you are less likely to try to impress

or fake being better than others, a behavior that is often easily

triggered in the work world. We think we need to appear to be more

than; smarter than, richer than, quicker than, more important, more

promotable, more indispensable, etc.

Imagine the fear you or someone you know might feel when the

boss asks for the status of a project that is behind schedule or if a

customer asks a question and the business owner doesnt know the

answer. Some might fudge the answer or respond with a cover up to

protect the truth. It is a projection of fear of the future, being fired or

losing a customer. A knee-jerk reaction might be to stretch the truth.

Now imagine that same person feeling the same fear, taking a

deep breath, and bringing their focus to this one moment. They can

answer with what they know and offer the truth and some options.

This requires trust, self-management, confidence and taking

responsibility, which is covered in Secret #2.

When you are conscious and can manage your emotions,

instead of being ruled by them, you are better able to respond vs.

react, our next secret!

Lastly, being aware and considering all that is going on inside

your Self and inside others during interactions, you are better able to


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ask questions, be of service, and find hidden opportunities! You can

discover a new need from customers or your team. Your intuition is

free to prompt you with ideas seemingly from left field that can

surprise you and others.

Think of a situation at work that brought discomfort or

conflict during a conversation with someone. What

were you thinking at the time? Were you being honest with yourself?

With them? Were you in the present moment or racing to figure out

how to control their reaction, strategize, or influence them, distracted

by your projected image of the future? What were you feeling?

Ultimately, what needs of yours did not get met?

Keep this scenario in mind as you go through our nine other

secrets and test out how to be an observer to release your ego. Stay

conscious of your emotions and those of others. For now there is no

need to act or speak differently. Simply stay awake and aware.

Notice what you learn.

Go to www.inspiredchoice.com/emotional-intelligenceand click on Comments to

share your observations or ask questions and Gail will respond!

Activity


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Secret #2 Take Response-ability

Manage your emotions to respond vs. react

A key to boosting your emotional intelligence quotient, or

your EQ, is to manage your emotions so you can respond vs. react.

When is the last time you or someone you know at work gave an

immediate, reflexive, habitual reaction to a situation? This might

mean that person did not take time to weigh the pros and cons and a

decision was made without considering their own feelings, the

feelings of others or the impact. This can lead to regret later on.

To increase your ability to respond, or what I like to call being

response-able, start by noticing your thoughts and feelings when an

event or something someone says

disturbs you. If you feel a rush of anger

or fear or anxiety, take a moment to

understand what happened, take a breath

to get re-centered, and take a moment to process everything. You can

draw on your internal self-control or self-management and can choose

what to think, feel, say and do. That is being response-able.

While writing this book, I happened to be standing in line to

pick up reserved theatre tickets, and the whole process was going so

slowly. The line was maybe 30 deep and I was not in the mood for a

long wait. I was annoyed and felt myself getting whiny and cranky. I

Take a breath. Get re-centered, and take amoment to process

everything.


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decided to apply this emotional intelligence secret in that moment to

choose a different reaction to test this theory for you, my reader!

I had a choice to just accept the situation or, as I chose, I used

the experience to write this part of this eBook! I pulled out a piece of

paper and started writing right there. I found myself smiling at those

around me, got engrossed in my writing and the time passed quickly.

I observed my emotions, saw choices about how to think, feel and

respond, and captured the process! I was grateful to practice EQ and

shifted from feeling grumpy to happy in less than 2 minutes.

The second aspect of Secret #2 is to take responsibility for your

thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions. Its taking ownership and

not blaming others. It requires accessing your adult part instead of the

inner child, who is often the rebellious reactive part. Make a choice

about how to respond, then accept and handle the consequences.

Take a look at an incident at work where you had a

conflict that created a strong negative feeling. Think

back to elements of the event where you may have blamed your boss,

co-workers or the economy, for example. Now, take responsibility for

your part. Look at how you contributed to the situation, even if it was

out of your control. What could you have done differently, even if

your only choice was how to feel and respond?



Activity


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Secret #3 Know Your Self

Imagine having your own Owners Manual

Wouldnt it be nice if, when we are born, we came packaged

with an owners manual? You know, like you get with your washing

machine? It would start out with a section called, Warning! Read

before operating this machinery. There would be guidelines on how

to avoid overloading, what to do if the load got out of balance, the

right kind of power source, what was safe to put inside, and how to

prevent wear and tear.

The goal of emotional intelligence is to get to know your Self,

appreciate your strengths, be aware of your challenges, and to design

your life experiences so you live as fully as The Real You as possible.

If people had owners manuals like this, they could advise and

forewarn users on where their hot buttons are, how to best get

along, troubleshoot and avoid repeated service calls for repairs in their

relationships.

Start by getting to know your Self

really well. What are your triggers? A

trigger is something someone might say

or do that stimulates an old memory, a

prior hurt or old feelings. This can start a chain reaction of feeling

angry or sad in a nanosecond without our realizing it. Often the other

person wasnt directing their words at you at all.

What are yourtriggers? What are

your needs? What areyour limits?


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For example, someone might not feel well and ask you to cut

your conversation short without this explanation. Your feelings might

be hurt. An old memory of not being

allowed to express yourself may be

stimulated. You might project the same

old feelings on the present situation.

Knowing this will help you separate out what is about you and

what is about them, our next secret! You can begin to anticipate some

of these events, prepare for them and detach yourself from the trigger.

What are your most common triggers? What makes you happy,

afraid, confident, insecure?

We talked earlier about the various types of intelligence you

have access to; your mind, your body, your spirit, and your emotions.

Your emotions are an internal guidance system.

Have you ever seen or used a GPS (global positioning system)

navigational tool to plan a car trip? It tells you where you are and you

can enter a destination and receive guidance to drive there. Imagine

being able to access your emotions as a tool to aid your decision-

making on your journey instead of relying only on the mind and

intellect. Your emotions let you know if you are in alignment with

your values, mission and integrity. How? Easy!

Imagine that you have a 1-10 Happy Meter in your stomach. I

picture a big needle that lies at rest pointing to the 10, the happiest

position, which I believe is our natural state. When events happen,

check to see where you are on the Happy Meter! If you feel good,

Your emotions are aninternal guidancesystem use it!


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with a reading in the 6-10 range, you are in alignment. If you feel

anxiety, fear or just plain ickiness in the 1-5 range, you need to adjust

your course of thinking and therefore your feelings and realign.

Find an owners manual in your house for a home

appliance or for your car and copy down the major

sections of the Table of Contents on a sheet of paper. Have fun

noticing how many of the headings can apply to you like the

Specifications page. Write in a few notes for yourself. For example,

the Specifications page for your equipment might include your

height, weight, fuel consumption, best fuel type, how to keep your

battery charged, proper maintenance. You get it. Have fun and

make a real attempt at seeing where you might do a better job of

caring for your body, mind, spirit and soul.



Activity


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Secret #4 What is about Me vs. Them?

A tool to minimize taking things personally

Have you ever noticed that when you are negatively triggered

by an event or something someone says to you, you take it to heart,

feel offended, or hurt, and then get mad at the other person and blame

them for your feelings? This is a reaction that many experience.

Using some of our earlier secrets, you can take response-ability and

look at what happens in these situations.

Lets look at how you can separate out what is about you vs.

what is about them. This is not meant to be the adversarial use of

"versus," rather a comparison of how we interpret what is about

ourselves and what is about

others. We assume that actionsand words expressed towards us

are about us. An important thing

to remember is that just as we get triggered and sometimes react

spontaneously, influenced by our emotions and past, so too do others

have their triggers that have nothing to do with us.

In our society, we tend to not have many boundaries or limits

and we cross the line by telling others what we think without asking

their permission. We jump to conclusions and make assumptions

often without checking them out.

Detach or unhook youremotions. Try viewing

conversations as if they area mix of two chemicals


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Imagine how things might be different if you saw conflict or

disagreement with another person as if it was a scientific experiment.

Picture bringing together two test tubes and creating a mixture. Your

personal viewpoint and triggers would mix with theirs. You can

observe the results and analyze the chain reaction inside you. What if

your reaction had very little to do with the other person?! What if

their words or actions were only about them and their needs, fears,

desires and had nothing to do with you?

Consider this the next time you talk to a family member who is

feeling tired or sick. Notice that they might be impatient with you or

crabby and hard to please. You could take that personally, as if it

means they dont like you or are angry with you, or you can allow for

their condition as one factor. You would likely cut them some slack

and detach yourself. Its as if you halt the chemical reaction and

dismiss it. You really are neutralizing it with compassion. That is the

key to separating out what is about you and what is about them.

Secret #5 will go into more detail about neutralizing events.

Now, what if you could go through life this way? Imagine

letting others have their own challenges, history, desires and reactions

and choose your own responses as you strive for your best life.

Think of a situation or relationship at work that often

challenges you or seems to bring up conflict. Now,

draw on a piece of paper 2 stick figures; label one of them "Me" and

the other "Them." In this situation, notice what you might be saying

or thinking about the other person. What are you judging about them

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based on what happens between you? Write those opinions

underneath the "Them" figure. Then do the same review about

yourself in this situation and write what you judge about you under

the "Me" figure.

When you see the separate cause and effect for both of you, can

you see a choice to let go of the feelings and judgments you hold onto

about the other person? You are two separate entities with your own

rights, beliefs, rules, cultures, histories, attitudes and so on. See how

you can both be right and co-exist. Experiment with this sense of

detachment to help you in the next interaction.




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Secret #5 Seek to Neutralize Events

Take the charge out of situations and words

Lets continue our chemistry experiment. We know that when

you bring two people together and introduce individual beliefs,

histories, desires, external pressures and emotion into the mixture, you

can get many reactions; you might see a slow fizzle, a boiling over, an

explosion or perhaps just a new and better result.

Secret #5 will help you to prevent a chemical melt down or

even a slight disruption by separating out the elements that get you all

fired up. Basically, events are neutral to begin with. We add our

interpretation or judgment and then assume a meaning that may or

may not be implied. For example, if you were told by your employer

that you are being let go and that you are a good worker but they need

to let you go for financial reasons, what might your reaction be? You

might start to read into the decision, feel anger or resentment, and let

your imagination make up things about yourself or others, stimulated

by your emotional reaction.

I have a conflict management formula that is very helpful for

neutralizing an event. I learned this process through a womenspersonal growth and empowerment training program called Woman

Within. This is a tool you can use as a framework for discussion

about an event that triggers you. You can also use it privately to help


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you take the charge or strong emotional reaction out of a situation

without discussing it. Many situations we consider a conflict are

really just a conversation where two people trigger strong reactions in

one or both.

The goal of this tool is to neutralize the event and separate out

your feelings, judgment or interpretation and what you need to move

forward or improve the relationship. This process also helps you take

responsibility for your part in the interaction. Below is the template

or formula. Take a shot at filling in the blanks for your situation.

Then keep reading. An explanation of the elements follows.

"When you (neutral event),

I judge (interpretation or opinion,

not fact) and I feel (your emotions).

What I need is (request you make of the

other person or of yourself with their help). (They may or may not

agree or be able to give it to you.)

Let's use an imaginary example to try out this formula. Imagine

you have a work relationship with someone, maybe your boss, who

interrupts you when you begin to share

an idea or solution to a problem. Now,

fill in the sentence above and sort out

the pieces of your reaction.

It is important that you approach this from the viewpoint that

this is all about YOU, not them (Secret #4). The object here is to help

you manage your emotions, take responsibility for your part, get to the

Use this formula toseparate out the neutral

event, your feelings,judgments and needs


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trigger, and cleanly ask for what you need without blaming others.

This is a greatemotional intelligence tool to help you self-regulate

and then respond vs. react.

Here are tips on how to approach this formula and better

understand the human elements that cause conflict. Each blank in the

formula is covered below.

What is the neutral event, stated without judgment! This ishard. The event in our example above is that your flow of

speech was interrupted (not that you were rudely interrupted...

that is a judgment influenced by emotion).

What is thejudgment or interpretation you have or theconclusion you draw based on the event? Perhaps you interpret

that your boss interrupts you because your opinion isn't

important, hence you are not important. Or they dont care

about you.

How do you feel? What are your emotions? Not how did theevent make you feel because your feelings are actually your

choice. Even if its a habitual reaction, it's still your choice. Go

for the emotion here, not the judgment. Feeling words are mad,

sad, glad, ashamed, etc.

What do you need or want, ideally? Avoid thinking aboutwhat they need. This is about you. And remember that they get

to reply Yes or No or they might offer another option to

your request. You may only need them to be aware or you just

need to express how you feel and be listened to.


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Below is how our formula might look after this self-reflection.

You can use this process to plan a real conversation to improve future

interactions or simply use the formula privately to help you strengthen

your awareness and choose a better response in the future.

When I share suggestions with you, you sometimes interrupt

my speaking before I finish and what I interpret is you don't want to

hear my ideas or they don't matter and I feel frustrated (a lower level

of anger). What I request is that you let me finish my thought and

comment afterwards. Can you do that? (You might need to negotiate

based on what they need from you!)

The great thing is this way of neutralizing events has you taking

full responsibility for your own reactions, opinions, feelings and

judgments. It is less threatening for others to hear and can lead to a

stronger relationship.

Think of a situation that happened recently to you and

fill out this formula on your own. See what insights

you get when you take responsibility for your reaction and neutralize

the event. You may be surprised!



Activity


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Secret #6 Operate from Love, Not Fear

Greater acceptance of Self and others is the goal

This is a really big idea that can revolutionize your interactions

with others. There is a momentum here. In previous secrets you have

learned the importance of really knowing your Self, how to separate

out what is about you vs. them and

how to neutralize an event.

Consciously choosing to

operate from love and not fear is

the next progression and an often

very challenging step. Its not about romantic love, of course. Its

about forgiveness, acceptance and appreciating others. This applies to

how you view those around you and includes how you see your Self.

Try on being in the mindset of fear first and then love. See how

they feel in your gut. Imagine how this plays out for you or co-

workers around you. Picture a spectrum like the one below.

If you operate from the far left with fear in your work setting, it

might show up with you being suspicious, closed-minded, judgmental,

anxious, feeling victimized, angry, desperate and trying to control

outcomes. Here you might hold back and fake being something you

How would your interactionsand outcomes at work changeif you had a personal policyto expect and give acceptance

most of the time?

Fear Love


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are not to avoid a perceived conflict. How does that feel? This creates

a very low vibration and energy that others will not feel comfortable

around. From this mindset there is an assumption that things wont go

well, there isnt enough to go around and your job is in jeopardy, so

you have to beat out the competition.

Ok, now.. B R E A T H E! Lets release all that negativity,

shift gears and energy.

Now, imagine focusing on the things you are grateful for, the

beauty around you and moving towards the Love end of the spectrum.

Here you might feel more relaxed, open, trusting, accepting, flexible,

empowered, generous, patient, and expecting good things. This is an

abundant state where you allow others to shine and get credit, you

acknowledge and appreciate others, you feel calm and peaceful much

of the time, you take good care of yourself and have plenty of energy

to give to others.

It may seem that outside events dictate which of these emotions

you operate from. You actually can choose your thoughts and

feelings operating from your Inner Being and develop an observer role

about what goes on around you externally. Strengthening this core

Inner Being takes some practice. Secret #8 will help you build this

muscle through time spent with your Self in reflective stillness.

Think of a recent interaction where you were operating

from fear. Perhaps you were afraid your boss or aActivity


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customer was unhappy and you expected criticism if you were honest

about making a mistake. List the ways it made you feel and how you

operated and held back. How did your body feel?

Now, create a shift and see how you might rewind the tape and

replay that same situation from a place of love. What if you expected

the best of others, trusted them and you? What would you have

needed to do, think or say to yourself to have felt grounded and

courageous so you could operate from love?

Notice how different the outcomes can be with this shift from

fear to love. Others can detect our vibrations, thoughts and moods.

Heck, even dogs can sense who is afraid of them in a room, right? So

what state ofbeing do you want to live in?




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Secret #7 Agreement without Judgment

Seek agreements with others starting with trust

What might work and life be like if you saw all your

conversations, negotiations, meetings and even sales presentations as

opportunities to seek agreement? Imagine if you did not expect

conflict, disagreement or the need to overpower and force others to

your point of view. To get to this mindset requires us to activate our

emotional intelligence and detach from the outcome.

This is a great place from which to operate. On one hand you

believe in your cause, mission or product and you are enthusiastic

about wanting others to agree, buy,

or collaborate with you. At the

same time, you can lay out your

case and then sit back and really

listen and let others share their opinions without the need to be right,

better, or out to win at all costs. You can help everyone find the best

solution, take a stand for your beliefs and product or services and

allow them to have their opinions.

Using our earlier secrets as the foundation, you can approach

conversations with an assumption that agreement is possible, even

likely. One key step is to suspend judgment and bias, at least

temporarily, so you can present your views and listen clearly to those

Judgment is a built-insafety device we are born

with and all use. Itprotects you. Dont fight itor deny it. Just use it well.


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of the other person as if you are collaborators, working on the same

team. When you start out with an open mind and expect to arrive at

an agreement, you look for evidence of success and ways to meet both

your needs. Solutions and compromise are easier to find when you

find a common goal, need or mission.

Judgment is actually a protective tool we all are born with.

From the moment we start assessing our environment, starting with

our fingers and toes, we use this skill to create safety. We assess

people, new jobs, hot stoves, and what to eat using judgment. When

taken to extreme, we might avoid good risks, new projects, new

jobs or business opportunities to, we assume, play it safe.

When we operate from fear, as we saw in our last secret, we are

less likely to reach agreements because we are given to distrust,

negative assumptions, desperation and closed thinking. Notice your

judgments about others and set them aside to achieve easier

collaborations, more cooperation, and less stress and conflict.

At the next opportunity to reach agreement with

someone, try out this approach and suspend judgment

as much as you can. Pick something easy like where to go for lunch

with a co-worker or scheduling a meeting. Next, go up a level and use

this approach to design a project or agree on price with a customer.



Activity


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Secret #8 Create Moments of Stillness

A tool to activate your intuition and emotional intelligence

Many of our secrets to building emotional intelligence benefit

from the practice of spending quality time with our Self! In todays

hectic world how often do you get to do that? How can you get to

know and appreciate your talents and get grounded, centered and calm

if you multi-task at every moment possible? There is so much

stimulus with our email, the media, iPods, PDAs, car radios, work,

family and home demands. When is the last time you had 5 minutes

between events and didnt rush to fill it with a task or distraction?

Eckhart Tolle, in his bookStillness Speaks, talks about the

power of stillness. This doesnt necessarily mean silence. It is the

ability to focus on your Inner Being, an inner peace. He teaches that

if we connect to the stillness within, we move beyond our active

minds and emotions and discover great depths of lasting peace,

contentment, and serenity.

Now that is emotional intelligence at a deep level. Many of us

can barely think for all the chatter and self-talk going on in our heads.

The key is acceptance and allowing the world to be as it is in the

moment. Imagine even being in a noisy grocery store checkout lane

where an elderly man ahead of you is slowly counting out the change


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in his coin purse. Now, can you picture turning this into a moment of

stillness and calm? What would it take?

Tolle suggests that getting focused in the present moment is the

key, which requires letting go of replaying the past or worrying about

the future, like where you have to be in 15 minutes as you wait in the

checkout line. This might mean igniting your loving side, practicing

patience, or observing the scene and sounds around you. How can

you find gratitude in this moment to slow down your day, rest your

mind from your shopping list (literal and figurative) and just BE!?

A book I really enjoy is Leap Before You Look, by Arjuna

Ardagh. He lists 72 shortcuts for getting out of your mind and into

the moment, including ways to make standing in line a spiritual

experience. What a concept! Ive since found out I can make nearly

any business or personal challenge a spiritual experience by assuming

it has something to teach me. This book can be a great place to start

out with easy practices and build up.

When I practice creating stillness during moments like checkout

lines, being stuck in traffic or stuck

in some relentless, critical,

ruminating loop in my own mind, I

find that a few deep breaths can

break the downward spiral of my emotions. Paying attention to your

breath and body is a pathway to stillness which, if you can maintain it

for even 1-2 minutes, will calm you and help you accept the world as

it is, especially when things are outside your control.

Focusing on nature, even asmall plant or stone you cankeep on your desk opens a

gateway to stillness.


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The power of stillness and truly tuning into your Self is that

these are the moments you can get refreshed, check in with your

emotional guidance system, and allow your intuition to speak up and

guide you to inspiring thoughts and action.

Find an object that can bring you good thoughts, stir up

a vivid positive memory, or that connects you to nature.

It might be a plant or a stone, a sea shell or photo of your favorite

outdoor escape. In quiet moments, to start, practice concentrating on

the peacefulness or aliveness of nature or a memory until you feel it in

your body and notice the pace of your breathing slow. Let your

shoulders drop and let your to do list drop! Lock in the resulting

emotion and the feeling in your body and see if you can recall it later

in more distracting moments. With practice, you can create a

momentary escape and grounding to use in the noisiest and most

stress-filled places at any time.



Activity


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Secret #9 Design Alliances

Consciously seek agreements on how to be in your relationships

How often do you join a team, start a new job, or enter into a

new friendship and find that along the way your expectations are not

being met and disagreements arise? The key to emotional

intelligence is to bring consciousness and awareness into your

relationships, as we learned in Secret #1. You cantake proactive

action by designing your alliances intentionally. The good news is

you can do this at any time even in a 20-year relationship.

Designing an alliance is actually creating an agreement about

how you will be with each other. It can be a formal conversation or a

document. Marriage vows are an example of designing alliances!

Some employers have new employees or contractors sign anagreement. This is a set of guidelines that sets out expectations and

makes it clear what both parties will do under normal circumstances

and, if problems arise, how they will

be resolved. In a friendship, this

might be as simple as getting an

understanding that your friend

doesnt like to get phone calls past 10 oclock at night! You then can

honor each others request or not.

We all operate with ourown set of rules and

beliefs.Share your preferences and

limits. Agree on how you


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We are all raised in different families and cultures. We hold

different beliefs about human interaction. Some shake hands, some

nod heads in greeting. What for one person is a warm gesture might

be disrespectful to others. In a business setting, for example, starting

meetings late to give latecomers time to arrive might be the norm for

one team and not allowed on another.

We operate with our own set of rules. It helps to get everyones

rule book out on the table or to write one unique to the relationship.

Respect and accept that people have their own reasons for their

behavior and they may not even be aware or know why they do some

things. Secret #4 can be helpful to separate out what is about them vs.

what is about you.

In Secret #3 we talked about how great it would be if we were

born with an owners manual we could hand to others as we meet

them. Use the information you learn as you get to know yourself

better to design your alliances based on how you work best and what

you need. Let your emotional guidance system inform you about

fears and protection you need. Ask for it where appropriate.

In a business setting, within your own team or working with

clients, it is important to identify and agree on expectations; common

terminology, processes, roles, desired outcomes, deliverables, mission

and agreed upon guidelines for relating and working together. It

helps to discuss seemingly obvious things. Avoid assumptions and

ask for clarification.


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Be proactive and design your alliance early on. Waiting until

there is a conflict may be more challenging. And yet, conflicts will

come up and should be expected. When a difference of opinion or

work styles arises, look for a compromise for the "greater good" of the

project, the team, the client, the company, the relationship. Welcome

these moments (yes, really) because they offer a great opportunity to

tweak your alliance and have a bonding affect that increases

connection and intimacy.

Think about a work or personal relationship and

identify agreements you have with others that may or

may not be spoken. What, if any, tension tends to exist in this

relationship on a regular basis? Take full response-ability for your

50% of the relationship, using Secret #2, to determine what re-

designing of your alliance might be needed. This starts with you, so

avoid blaming the other person completely. Where do you have a

need that is not expressed or a boundary that has not been set?

Its your choice whether to take action on this or not. Simply

identifying the tweaks that you desire will shift your energy. You

may find that you surprise yourself and casually make a request when

the moment is right. You can also tap into your courage and do this

intentionally.



Activity


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Secret #10 Hold a Bigger Vision

A bigger view and sense of purpose provides a lens for life

Have you ever noticed how stepping back from a situation,

challenge or project gives you a new perspective? You get a chance

to breathe, change your focus, shift your energy, and return with a

fresh mind. On a larger scale, a long weekend or vacation refreshes

your energy and can inspire a new point of view or approach.

In the same way, it helps

to have a bigger vision for your

career and your life. Its so easy

to get lost in the frantic doing of

life; the demands of the job, supporting a family, balancing finances

and making check lists. Some feel stressed, restricted and

overwhelmed. There are always more things to get done in less time.

Having a bigger picture creates a framework or filter from

which to make decisions. Choosing a bigger vision gives life

direction, context and a sense of purpose. Imagine for a moment that

you are suddenly transported 20 years into the future. How much will

todays biggest challenge, unsolvable project, unpleasant feedback or

difficult relationship matter? Hows thatfor perspective. What

really matters most?

Having a bigger vision andsense of purpose serves likean anchor to bring you backto center, to your mission.


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Lets start with a bigger vision for your personal life and then

well touch on your career. We are not born with our life purpose

imprinted across our forehead, much as many wish. For some, it is a

lifelong quest. Many imagine that if they dont find the one purpose

fate has destined for them, they will not find happiness.

Eckhart Tolle suggests in A New Earth that the true or

primary purpose of your life cannot be found on the outer level. It

does not concern what you do but who you are that is to say, your

state of consciousness. That takes us back to Secret #1. Tolle speaks

of having a primary inner purpose, which concerns Being, and a

secondary outer purpose, concerning doing. We all share this inner

purpose as its the purpose of humanity.

Our inner purpose is to be awake, conscious, and present to the

power of now. This includes accepting what happens that we cannot

change and trusting that we need to learn from what happens in our

life.

Inspired by Tolle, my own interpretation is that our outer

purpose is how we choose to express our inner purpose of being

awake and conscious in the outer world. True success and happiness

come from finding and living in alignment with your Self. The relief

here is that what you choose to do is not as important as that it be in

alignment with who you truly are, your energy, Being Fully You.

Your career and work may take many forms.

For me, at the age of 47, I came home to such delight in my

work when I discovered coaching and training. This work fits my true


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nature, talents and spirit. It gives me pleasure, energizes and

motivates me to take action that otherwise would seem scary, all for

the sake of those who need help to live more fully self-expressed,

prosperous, authentic, joyful lives. The more of my true spirit I bring

to my work the more successful I am and the more I differentiate

myself (a marketing bonus!).

Your action in the world is more effective when its inspired

action vs. trying to make something happen. Inspired action is

doing for the sake of something meaningful to you that comes from

who you really are; your Being. Abraham-Hicks, teachers of the

Law of Attraction, explain inspired action as talking and feeling (not

thinking) about what you want and why. You will then be inspired as

to the how, who, when and where. When you get mired in the details

and logistics and worry about outcomes, fear and struggle occur. In

that moment, you have probably lost sight of your mission, vision, and

pure desire.

When it comes to your career, on a less esoteric level and

perhaps in a more practical day-to-day way, having a bigger vision is

critical for your team and company. Sharing a common goal brings

together the collective mindset of many, creating inspiration and

energy to find solutions and do the work. When things get hectic, hard

and stressful, you can turn to your co-workers with humor and

sincerity and ask, Remind me again, why are we doing this?! That

will put you back on course. Imagine the power of all that positive

emotion and energy focused on one outcome!


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A shared mission and mindset is a motivating power that can

help overcome obstacles, smooth out conflict, bring easier agreement,

willing collaboration, and better results than originally imagined.

In conclusion, as we wrap up our last secret, I have a final

activity for you that is really a mission!

Your emotional intelligence has been growing as

youve read the words on the pages of this eBook. As

you apply one or more of these secrets, you will continue to boost

your consciousness, your career and your satisfaction in life.

I join with all those in your life who need you to purposefully

make your interactions and relationships as conscious and genuine as

you can. Please bring all of your strengths and talents into the light.

You are being called forth to work towards and hold a bigger view

and desires for yourself, your organization and the world for the

"greater good." Make it so!

Go to www.inspiredchoice.com/emotional-intelligence and click on

Comments to share your observations or ask questions and Gail will

respond!

The last section of this eBook offers ways you can work directly with

Gail to take action and take your mission on the road!

Mission


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About Gail Sussman Miller

Gail created Inspired Choice to help people live and workmore consciously from choice rather than obligation. She

works primarily with three audiences.

Gail teaches women solopreneurs how to love marketing asan extension of who they are and what they love to do. Gail

helps them learn new mindsets and techniques to promote andgrow their businesses using their best marketing method(s).

She works with senior executives on career building and career transition. Gail

coaches executives on how to promote and present themselves, improveinterpersonal habits and skills, and take action on long-held unfulfilled dreams

that can lead to second careers or inspired retirement. She is the ChicagoFacilitator for monthly ExecuNet networking meetings.

Gail helps small companies and teams improve performance, increase

collaboration and create positive organic change through a creative and effectiveblend of coaching, training and facilitation.

Specialities. Gail specializes in teaching how to love networking (online and

offline), public speaking, the art of seeking agreement, and powerful

relationship-building skills using emotional intelligence. She helps create amindset shift combined with effective techniques. Gail teaches people how toidentify, leverage and transfer their strengths to new or difficult activities.

Gail uses a coach approach to help individuals and groups reach their goals and

get into action through 4 steps by helping them:1. get really clear on what they truly want2. break through yes, but obstacle thinking to identify options3. make inspired choices and4. take action through small steps

Gail calls herself a mid-life bloomer Baby Boomer. She found her true passionin work, marriage, motherhood and life after the age of 44! Now she helps othersto stop waiting and take inspired action. Gail says she is a poster child for great

marriage, is a proud step mom of 2 children and a thrilled new grandmother.

Read what people say about Gails training on emotional intelligence


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Emotional Intelligence Training Results

Here are comments on the value received at one of Gails emotional intelligenceworkshops. This shows the power of this work and the potential for real impact in

the workplace. This is what participants committed to do, think or "be" as a resultof the training to improve their relationships:

"I will incorporate into my daily life, personal and professional, [the practical

tips]. I will listen better, not take things personally, not act in fear. I'll be clear

about what I want, take responsibility, and discuss issues using EQ (emotional

intelligence)." Mary T. Markovich

"I liked the actual take away tools. Wonderful to clarify topic, giving examples

and giving actions to take back [to my work life]. How I contribute to conflict,

how my perception is not their reality. I will be active in my life and work."Alyse Kittner

"Thinking about my words and actions and concentrating on me, then using my

awareness when working with others. I will strive to neutralize words and

events." Katherine Weathers

"I'll be breathing. I've read Goleman's book. You did a great job with it... made

it come alive for us." Mary Conley Eggert

"Very effective. Drew great comparisons to [between] people in the audience, her

personal life and authors. I will center myself and not make assumptions. I willnot make judgments or assume that other people feel a certain way." ElyssaWelling

"Taught me how to be less reactive and to understand that someone's words aren't

necessarily malicious -- that there are other factors at work. I will listen more

and try to remove judgment from the listening process." Nicole Gibby Munguia

"I have a better understanding of self-dynamics and interfacing with others. I will

manage triggers." Tim Downey

"Clear and to the point. [Gail gave] great examples. [The value I got is]awareness. I will be more aware of my triggers." Leslie Teague


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More Opportunities to Learn

Here are a few choices on how you can work with Gail, individually or in a group,to exponentially increase your emotional intelligence, get into action, createpositive change and stay inspired and on track.

For Individuals:

Email Gail for a 45-minute complimentary consultation if you are seriousabout creating more meaningful, more effective relationships at work with

less conflict and more cooperation. Put 10 Secrets Consultation Pleasein the subject line of your email.

Join a weekly one-hour telephone intimate group of 4 facilitated by Gail.These calls are focused on goal-setting, getting in action, staying on trackand boosting success by boosting emotional intelligence. Get individual

time to report on goals, receive group feedback, brainstorming and shorttraining segments. Gail is a facilitator for Springboard Unlimited.

Email Gail and mention this eBook to get a 10% discount!

Receive occasional Inspired Choice Love Letters with tips and techniques,special offers and news you can use. Sign up here.

For Teams and Organizations

Emotional intelligence group training is available in 3-hour or full-daysessions with follow-up teleconferences to offer accountability on

homework, review of skills practice, and additional training. A sampleworkshop is described here for a session delivered for the AssociationForum of Chicagoland.

Invite Gail to speak for your organization on increasing emotionalintelligence, how to love networking or public speaking, or a customizedinspirational obstacle-busting message your group needs to hear.

Gail Sussman Miller

Chief Obstacle BusterInspired Choice

1.773.477.4012Chicago, Illinois

[email protected]

www.inspiredchoice.com

Documents

10 Secrets of Emotional Intelligence 4-22