101 Things Not to Do at Hogwarts

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  • 7/28/2019 101 Things Not to Do at Hogwarts


    101 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts

    1. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Markon their arm.

    2. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" when being

    sent to the Headmaster's office.

    3. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney's tarot deck.

    4. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms."

    5. I will not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on thepaintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing.

    6. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

    -6b. Neither will I take one out on the new DADA teacher.

    7. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

    8. I will not change gravity on the Hogwarts grounds. My fellow students do not need todevelop extra muscles and jumping into an orbit is not funny.

    9. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.

    -9b. Neither is Professor Umbridge.

    10. I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

    11. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order "to see what happens."

    12. I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blowmy house down.

    13. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

    -13b. Especially if it is offered with a compensation for any damages.

    14. Hogwarts is not in the flight path of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannotcrash into Hogwarts. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standingon the spires of Hogwarts waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!"

    15. I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc.

    -15b. This goes for Fred and George, too.

    16. Making rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny and it will stopsoon.(soon, not immediately haha)

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    17. I will not suggest to Fred and George that they invent and sell Anti-Anti-CheatingCharm quills.

    18. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing yourtextbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull andinto the brain.

    -18b. Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at said first years.

    19. I will not point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

    20. I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not handout medals for "Hexing Harry Potter," "Endangering a teacher's life by jinxing," or"Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower." I will not send the latter to ProfessorSnape and make him an honorary member.

    21. I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise myDivination grade.

    22. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

    23. I will not push Professor Flitwick from his stack of books claiming I need them for mystudies.

    24. I will not spike my best friend's pumpkin juice and tell him to go hit on ProfessorMcGonagall.

    -24b. Or Professor Snape.

    25. When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is

    protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.

    26. I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking.

    27. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

    28. I will not organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentationon Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

    29. I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch as been permanently canceled.

    -29b. Having not done this, I will not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's fault.

    30. I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!"every time it senses movement.

    31. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

    32. I will not sign up the Great Lake at Hogwarts for the Summer Olympics swimmingcompetitions.

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    -32b. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage atthe Equestrian competitions

    33. I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "PetrificusTotalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

    34. I will not give a "Chosen by whom, actually?" shirt to Harry Potter for Christmas.

    35. I will not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte."

    36. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.

    -36b. I should not test that.

    37. I will not jump up and yell "VOLDERMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a D.A. meeting.

    38. If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and shout "Tothe Batmobile, Robin!"

    39. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy started the Hug A Muggle Campaign.

    40. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer.

    41. I will not tell Ronald Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of thefollowing: 1) Draco Malfoy, 2) Any other Slytherin, 3) Michael Corner, 4) Any otherRavenclaw, 5) Zacharias Smith, 6) Any other Hufflepuff, 7) Neville Longbottom, 8) Anyother Gryffindor.

    42. Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger "When's the wedding?" is only funny afew times.

    43. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who willcome out alive.

    44. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

    -44b. And Hermione Granger.

    45. I will not dress in long black capes with hoods. Draco Malfoy tried this and almostpeed his pants. I must learn from his experience.

    46. I will not tell Professor Binns that he is dead and a) needs to move on, or b) get a


    47. I will not change the speed of light to 30 mph and enjoy watching my fellow studentsand the teachers find out about the miracles of relativity.

    48. I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Artsteacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

    49. I will not hand out shirts that say "Potter 6, Voldemort 0."

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    50. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

    51. I will not convince the first years that "Death Eaters" is the name for a cookery clubspecialized in experimental dishes.

    52. I will not start a howler chain-letter saying "Your life will be cursed for seven years ifyou don't send this to 10 fellow students within 15 minutes."

    53. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

    -53b. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

    54. I will not bewitch my cauldron to change the freezing-point of water. I will not askProfessor Snape why my potion is freezing while the cauldron is heated. Nor will I pointout that I doubted from the beginning that he would be able to sort that out for me.

    55. I will not tell the first years on the Hogwarts Express that they have free choice of

    house if they swim over the lake.

    56. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

    57. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should notattempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

    58. Sneaking slugs into Ron Weasley's food is not funny.

    59. I will not tell Professor Snape that we the student body have been discussing his rolein unfortunate events involving the late headmaster and have deemed him a miserableand pathetic excuse of a human being.

    -59b. I will also not suggest that he isn't even human.

    60. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assumethat I am not allowed to do it.

    61. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do in front of people whoannoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

    62. I will not hang up a sign saying "Reserved for Draco Malfoy" at the girls' bathroomdoor.

    63. I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced,would they still be brother and sister?"

    64. I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is for a pit bull namedRipper.

    65. I will not tell Professor McGonagall about the great Muggle enhancer out there calledbotox.

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    -65b. I will not tell her that it would make those thin tight lips of hers into pouty bodaciousthings.

    -65c. I will not tell her that Professor Dumbledore would particularly enjoy looking atthose pouty bodacious things.

    66. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.

    -66b. Not even if the boy who's whispering this to you tells you he heard it fromHermione Granger herself.

    67. I will not set Ravenclaws on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

    68. Getting the Sorting Hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time.

    69. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts andpoltergeists.

    70. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

    71. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funnythe first time.

    72. I will not ink my owl's feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results ascheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

    73. I will not change the speed of sound so that communication by owl is quicker thantalking to each other.

    74. I will not point out to Professor Sinistra that Astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto

    is no longer a planet.

    75. I will not encourage bungee jumping from the Astronomy Tower, nor do it myself, asit is disrespectful of Professor Dumbledore's memory.

    76. I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite ofpassage to truly become a Gryffindor.

    77. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite timeperiod" amusing in any sense.

    -77b. Neither does Hermione Granger.

    78. I will not tell Professor Snape he needs to go to his "Happy Place."

    79. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-De-Dee: The VoldemortMusical," I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

    80. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

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    81. I will not imitate Steve Irwin while in Care of Magical Creatures class, even if I havethe best fake Australian accent.

    82. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existentconstellations during O.W.L. exams.

    83. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

    84. Underwater broom riding does not distinguish the master from the layman. It is notrequired to become member of any Quidditch team.

    85. I will not use Legilimency to get the right answers from my teachers.

    86. I will not use Legilimency to get what my fellow students think are the right answers.

    -86b. This also pertains to Hermione Granger.

    87. I will not psycho-analyze Professor Trelawney, as it clouds her Inner Eye.

    88. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate careerchoice.

    89. I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles."

    90. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project forHerbology."

    91. Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.

    92. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant


    93. I will not suggest that we read coffee beans in Divination instead of tea leaves for abit of a change.

    94. I will not tell the teachers that they cannot assign homework, as we do not actuallygo home during the school year to do it.

    95. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball.

    96. I will not make fun of Hufflepuffs because their house colors make them look likebees.

    97. I will not use silencing charms on my Prefects.

    98. I will not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in ProfessorSnape's classroom.

    99. I will not add a spoonful of sugar to each potion I make. Mary Poppins was not abrewer of potions.

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    100. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the WhompingWillow is highly frowned upon.

    -100b. I am also not allowed to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccuratelynamed and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading.

    101. I will not tell Harry Potter that he is fictional and that everything he has worked for isnothing more than a couple of best selling novels and loads of bad fanfiction.

    67 Other Things Not to Do at Hogwarts:

    1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

    2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to theHeadmaster's office.

    3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

    4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

    5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.

    6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.

    7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."

    8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Artsteacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

    9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."

    10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

    12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

    13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is"Extra Herbology Work."

    14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.

    15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that Iam not allowed to use it.

    16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on whichHouse will come out alive.

    17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the RoundTable" for the Christmas Feast.

    18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."

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    19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

    20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away fromGryffindor.

    21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.

    22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

    23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.

    24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."

    25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.

    26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

    27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the


    28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate thatthey're "covered in bees."

    29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

    30) I will not go to class skyclad.

    31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."

    32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark

    on their arm.

    33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

    34) I will not start every potion's...