101 Things Not to Do at Hogwarts

7/28/2019 101 Things Not to Do at Hogwarts

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101 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts

1. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Markon their arm.

2. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" when being

sent to the Headmaster's office.

3. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney's tarot deck.

4. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms."

5. I will not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on thepaintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing.

6. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

-6b. Neither will I take one out on the new DADA teacher.

7. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

8. I will not change gravity on the Hogwarts grounds. My fellow students do not need todevelop extra muscles and jumping into an orbit is not funny.

9. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.

-9b. Neither is Professor Umbridge.

10. I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

11. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order "to see what happens."

12. I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blowmy house down.

13. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

-13b. Especially if it is offered with a compensation for any damages.

14. Hogwarts is not in the flight path of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannotcrash into Hogwarts. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standingon the spires of Hogwarts waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!"

15. I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc.

-15b. This goes for Fred and George, too.

16. Making rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny and it will stopsoon.(soon, not immediately haha)


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17. I will not suggest to Fred and George that they invent and sell Anti-Anti-CheatingCharm quills.

18. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing yourtextbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull andinto the brain.

-18b. Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at said first years.

19. I will not point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

20. I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not handout medals for "Hexing Harry Potter," "Endangering a teacher's life by jinxing," or"Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower." I will not send the latter to ProfessorSnape and make him an honorary member.

21. I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise myDivination grade.

22. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

23. I will not push Professor Flitwick from his stack of books claiming I need them for mystudies.

24. I will not spike my best friend's pumpkin juice and tell him to go hit on ProfessorMcGonagall.

-24b. Or Professor Snape.

25. When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is

protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.

26. I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking.

27. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

28. I will not organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentationon Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

29. I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch as been permanently canceled.

-29b. Having not done this, I will not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's fault.

30. I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!"every time it senses movement.

31. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

32. I will not sign up the Great Lake at Hogwarts for the Summer Olympics swimmingcompetitions.


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-32b. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage atthe Equestrian competitions

33. I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "PetrificusTotalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

34. I will not give a "Chosen by whom, actually?" shirt to Harry Potter for Christmas.

35. I will not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte."

36. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.

-36b. I should not test that.

37. I will not jump up and yell "VOLDERMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a D.A. meeting.

38. If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and shout "Tothe Batmobile, Robin!"

39. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy started the Hug A Muggle Campaign.

40. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer.

41. I will not tell Ronald Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of thefollowing: 1) Draco Malfoy, 2) Any other Slytherin, 3) Michael Corner, 4) Any otherRavenclaw, 5) Zacharias Smith, 6) Any other Hufflepuff, 7) Neville Longbottom, 8) Anyother Gryffindor.

42. Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger "When's the wedding?" is only funny afew times.

43. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who willcome out alive.

44. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

-44b. And Hermione Granger.

45. I will not dress in long black capes with hoods. Draco Malfoy tried this and almostpeed his pants. I must learn from his experience.

46. I will not tell Professor Binns that he is dead and a) needs to move on, or b) get a

life.

47. I will not change the speed of light to 30 mph and enjoy watching my fellow studentsand the teachers find out about the miracles of relativity.

48. I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Artsteacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

49. I will not hand out shirts that say "Potter 6, Voldemort 0."


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50. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

51. I will not convince the first years that "Death Eaters" is the name for a cookery clubspecialized in experimental dishes.

52. I will not start a howler chain-letter saying "Your life will be cursed for seven years ifyou don't send this to 10 fellow students within 15 minutes."

53. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

-53b. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

54. I will not bewitch my cauldron to change the freezing-point of water. I will not askProfessor Snape why my potion is freezing while the cauldron is heated. Nor will I pointout that I doubted from the beginning that he would be able to sort that out for me.

55. I will not tell the first years on the Hogwarts Express that they have free choice of

house if they swim over the lake.

56. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

57. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should notattempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

58. Sneaking slugs into Ron Weasley's food is not funny.

59. I will not tell Professor Snape that we the student body have been discussing his rolein unfortunate events involving the late headmaster and have deemed him a miserableand pathetic excuse of a human being.

-59b. I will also not suggest that he isn't even human.

60. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assumethat I am not allowed to do it.

61. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do in front of people whoannoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

62. I will not hang up a sign saying "Reserved for Draco Malfoy" at the girls' bathroomdoor.

63. I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced,would they still be brother and sister?"

64. I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is for a pit bull namedRipper.

65. I will not tell Professor McGonagall about the great Muggle enhancer out there calledbotox.


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-65b. I will not tell her that it would make those thin tight lips of hers into pouty bodaciousthings.

-65c. I will not tell her that Professor Dumbledore would particularly enjoy looking atthose pouty bodacious things.

66. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.

-66b. Not even if the boy who's whispering this to you tells you he heard it fromHermione Granger herself.

67. I will not set Ravenclaws on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

68. Getting the Sorting Hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time.

69. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts andpoltergeists.

70. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

71. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funnythe first time.

72. I will not ink my owl's feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results ascheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

73. I will not change the speed of sound so that communication by owl is quicker thantalking to each other.

74. I will not point out to Professor Sinistra that Astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto

is no longer a planet.

75. I will not encourage bungee jumping from the Astronomy Tower, nor do it myself, asit is disrespectful of Professor Dumbledore's memory.

76. I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite ofpassage to truly become a Gryffindor.

77. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite timeperiod" amusing in any sense.

-77b. Neither does Hermione Granger.

78. I will not tell Professor Snape he needs to go to his "Happy Place."

79. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-De-Dee: The VoldemortMusical," I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

80. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.


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81. I will not imitate Steve Irwin while in Care of Magical Creatures class, even if I havethe best fake Australian accent.

82. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existentconstellations during O.W.L. exams.

83. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

84. Underwater broom riding does not distinguish the master from the layman. It is notrequired to become member of any Quidditch team.

85. I will not use Legilimency to get the right answers from my teachers.

86. I will not use Legilimency to get what my fellow students think are the right answers.

-86b. This also pertains to Hermione Granger.

87. I will not psycho-analyze Professor Trelawney, as it clouds her Inner Eye.

88. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate careerchoice.

89. I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles."

90. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project forHerbology."

91. Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.

92. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant

squid.

93. I will not suggest that we read coffee beans in Divination instead of tea leaves for abit of a change.

94. I will not tell the teachers that they cannot assign homework, as we do not actuallygo home during the school year to do it.

95. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball.

96. I will not make fun of Hufflepuffs because their house colors make them look likebees.

97. I will not use silencing charms on my Prefects.

98. I will not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in ProfessorSnape's classroom.

99. I will not add a spoonful of sugar to each potion I make. Mary Poppins was not abrewer of potions.


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100. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the WhompingWillow is highly frowned upon.

-100b. I am also not allowed to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccuratelynamed and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading.

101. I will not tell Harry Potter that he is fictional and that everything he has worked for isnothing more than a couple of best selling novels and loads of bad fanfiction.

67 Other Things Not to Do at Hogwarts:

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to theHeadmaster's office.

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Artsteacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is"Extra Herbology Work."

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that Iam not allowed to use it.

16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on whichHouse will come out alive.

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the RoundTable" for the Christmas Feast.

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."


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19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away fromGryffindor.

21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."

25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the

hallways.

28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate thatthey're "covered in bees."

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

30) I will not go to class skyclad.

31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark

on their arm.

33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable asBody Lotion.

35) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends."

36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."

37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing

an orange anorak.

38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts.

40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, evenwhen I yell out "PWND!"


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41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.

42) I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

43) I will not lick Trevor.

44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.

46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously.

47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to aduel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.

48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.

50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

51) I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someoneput the Imperious Curse on me.

52) Asking, "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and then walking away is onlyfunny the first time.

53) The four houses are not the Morons, the Barons, the Smartelics, and the JuniorDeath Eaters

54) I will not tell Draco and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

55) I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to get himto do whatever I want.

56) I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT shirt to school.

57) I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"

58) I will not jump up, yelling "VOLDEMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a Order of thePhoenix or DA meeting.

59) I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place".

48) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussy cat?"

60) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

61) Telling Slytherin first years that to enter their common room they must point theirwands strait up and say, "Morsmordre" is just plain mean.


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62) I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

63) I will not enchant a scarecrow and suit of armor to skip through the halls singing,We're Off to See the Wizard.

64) However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him

how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.

65) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playingdrums no matter how bored I become.

66) I will not use Slytherine and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

67) I must not point at Voldemort and say "I taught him everything he knows".189 More Things Not To Do at Hogwarts1) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss

2) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda

3) I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him they're real animals

4) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches

5) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark andshout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!"

6) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental

7) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"

8) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

9) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"

10) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

11) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

12) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not startsinging anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

13) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.

14) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.

15) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

16) I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.


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17) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

18) I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch himsing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

19) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh

as he tries to reach it.

20)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

21) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

22) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

23) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

24.) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location tofirst-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

25) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite"Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

26) Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

27) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it hasbeen enchanted to fly.

28) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

29) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

30) I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

40.) Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address"Voldemort", is not funny.

41) Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointlessrequest as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

42) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts andpoltergeists.

43) I may not have a private army.

44) I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

45) Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with ProfessorDumbledore's candy.

46) I am not the wicked witch of the west.


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47) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

48) I will not melt if water is poured over me.

49) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.

50) I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects ortutors.

51) I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

52) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoyme is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

53) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

54) - Especially not all of them at once.

55) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

56) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

57) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstancesis he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

58) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by theHeadmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter,Harry Potter.

59) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand andannounce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

60) Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

61) The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior DeathEaters.

62) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction ofMuggle firearms.

63) Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

64) I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about BilboBaggins.

65) I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

66) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.


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67) I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is'compensating for something'.

68) I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

69) Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

70) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon FairywingGlimmerMcSparkles.

71) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman andRobin".

72) I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.

73) However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

74) If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort

Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

75) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good intap shoes.

76) I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

77) I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousinof Sauron.

78) I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and shouldstop shouting this at meal times.

79) Its not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All The Good LookingOnes Die Young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

80) I will not yell "Hey look! Its Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade

81) I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear tocomfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry

82) I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall

83) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to Attack

of the Killer Tomatoes.

84) I will not call Professor McGonagall McGoogles.

85) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams.

86) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.


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87) My name is not the Dark Lord Happy-Pants I am not allowed to sign my papers assuch.

88) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.

89) I will not douse Harry Potters invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will

become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.

90) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

91) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

92) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.

93) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchleyas Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

94) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a Muggle

car.

95) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.

96) When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift mywand skyward and shout There can only be ONE.

97) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playingdrums no matter how bored I become.

98) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should notattempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

99) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.

100) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulatedpython, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

101) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwinduring Care of Magical Creatures class.

102) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if heis wearing an orange anorak.

103) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

104) Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon and Aragog. Ever.

105) I may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones.

106) Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean.

107) Under no circumstances am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy".


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108) Even if he is.

109) I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk.

110) I am prohibited from sprinkling glitter on Draco Malfoy, dying his hair, and call him

Edward.

111) I am not allowed sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid.

112) I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present.

113) Saying "I think I 'taw a puddytat!" every time I see Professor McGonagall is mostcertainly NOT allowed.

114) Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will notamuse him and I am not allowed to do so, even if he needs a new hair do.

115) I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse isProfessor Umbridge.

116) I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him havinga temper tantrum.

117) I am not allowed to introduce the Cullens to Professor Lupin.

118) I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'.

119) I shall not play match-maker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day because it will onlymake him cry when no one will go out with him because of his lack of hair.

120) I am not allowed to be a match-maker for Shelob and Aragog either.

121) I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and theNazgul.

122) I will not scream, "HIS NAME IS EDWARD!" any time I hear the words CedricDiggory.

123) I will not ask the centaurs if they know where Chiron is because I have found ademigod.

124) I will not shout at dinner times that Darth Sideous is Voldemort's uncle, even if theydo look alike.

125) I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's true name is PercyJackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living.

126) I will not sing 'I'm a Survivour' after the Battle of Hogwarts.


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127) No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at theYule Ball.

128) Professor Lupin is not the magical equivlant of Wolverine and I am not allowed toaddress him as such.

129) Even if I'm bored, I am not allowed to ask Snape what is the mysterious tickingnoise.

130) I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick ofblack-haired, green-eyed heroes.

131) Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred andGeorge's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high,then call them John and Edward in the morning.

132) I will not send Voldemort white robes for Christmas and claim he changed his nameto, "Voldy the White."

133) And when he wears them, I am not allowed to run around Hogsmeade screaming,"Ahhh! It's an albino dementor!"

134) It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas.

135) Bringing a magic eight ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawneyannoyed at your, "Lack of Inner Eye."

136) To which I am not allowed to reply.

137) I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

138) Nor am I allowed to have lightsaber fights with my wand and make whoosingnoises.

139) "Because they both need to wash their hair," is not proof Professor Snape andAragorn are related.

140) There is also no proof that Gimli and Flitwick are related and I am stop askingFlitwick if he's been swimming with any hairy women lately.

141) Singing 'Hungry Like The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extracredit.

142) I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I knowwhere you live" or "I stole all your underwear!"

143) I am not allowed to replace the Bludgers with peas, tomatoes, plums or anythingthat is not a Bludger.

144) Portable swamps are not funny.


17/19

145) And I will not set off the above in Snape's sleeping quarters.

146) Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms.

147) In fact, I am not allowed to even buy portable swamps.

148) Harry Potter is not a Son of Poseidon and saying this everytime I see him will onlyresult in him filing a restraining order against me.

149) My patronus is not a Nazgul.

150) Neither is my animagus form.

151) "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate careerchoice.

152) It still is not appropiate, even if I have subsituted the flying monkeys with gummybears.

153) I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

154) My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I didwith six boxes of Sugar Quills.

155) No part of the school uniform is edible.

156) Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

157) I will not try to take house points from the first years for "being too goddamnedshort".

158) Especially as I am in no position of authority and Dumbledore would have to beheavily drugged before he would ever make me a prefect.

159) I am not allowed to wear singing holiday-themed ties and claim that they areofficially part of my uniform. Especially not during June.

160) Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as'Galadriel'.

161) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as'Haldir'.

162) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

163)I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

164) I am to attend astronomy class and should stop yelling that aliens will abduct me if Ido.

165) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.


18/19

166) No matter how much I would enjoy watching Harry sing, "Saturday Night."

167) "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell thatto the first-years.

168) I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

169) Nor am I to ask if he is Carlisle Cullen's evil, unfortunate-looking twin.

170) I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for myrobes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.

171) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or anyother Klingon house is forbidden. The same applies to houses of Westeros

172) Voldemort does not wish to appear as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics. And no,he does not care how much money I make from it.

173) The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror".

174) Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is also inappropriate.

175) I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

176) I will not sprend rumors that Legolas Greenleaf is his second cousin either.

177) Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "physicidelic mushrooms" and I should stopimplying that she is.

178) The same goes for Professor Trelawney.

179) I will not get a tattoo of a smiley face on my arm and claim that it is the new DarkMark.

180) When signing to all of these rules, I am not allowed to write in red ink and say thatthe Cullens lent me some grizzly bear blood.

181) I will not set my robes on fire to get out of potions.

182) I should not be a sports' commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments.

183) Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died," sign.

184) I am not to start a civil rights movement to protect pranksters from punishment,even if Professor Dumbledore agrees to join.

185) I am not to tell Draco Malfoy that his father's real name is 'Luscious Mouthful', nomatter how priceless his expression is.

186) It is most certainly looked down upon to sell tickets into the Chamber of Secrets.


19/19

187) Professor McGonagall would not appreciate me getting her a litter box forChristmas.

188) I am not to hide Easter eggs on Hagrid's roof, no matter how grassy it is.

189) Professor Lupin would not appreciate the heart worm medicine, no matter howmuch it cost me.Slytherin (The Junior Death Eaters):

1. We aren't all evil... yeah, we are.

2. Cunning and Ambition: Slytherin.

3. Go ahead, be a little naughty.

4. Slytherin: We have chained boys in the dungeons.

5. Slytherin: Because our common room is underwater (and that's cool) AND ITSTOTALLY AWESOME.

6. It's not that we aren't better than you (except it totally is).

7. Why be normal? Or good?

8. We are Junior Death Eaters. Deal with it.

9. Slytherin: means never having to say you're sorry.

10. Seriously evil wizard coming through.

11. I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

12. Slytherins do it on Snape's desk.

13. Voldemort needs prision bitches.

14. Because real friends help you Incendio the bodies.

15. Property of the Half-Blood Prince.

16. We're only wearing black until something darker comes along.

17. Don't hate us beacuse we're beautiful, hate us because we kick your ass ateverything.

18. Never wound what can kill you.

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101 Things Not to Do at Hogwarts