11 Things Never to Say to Anyone - Warren

8/10/2019 11 Things Never to Say to Anyone - Warren

1/12

2014 Spring Judicial Education Session

Overton Hotel & Conference Center | Lubbock, Texas

March 19-21, 2014

Thursday, March 20

2:45 p.m.3:45 p.m.

11THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO ANYONE (ANDHOW TO RESPOND IF SAID TO YOU):AN

ADVANCED LESSON IN VERBAL JUDO

Mr. Mark Warren

Training Consultant

Texas Association of

Counties


2/12

MARK WARREN attended Texas A&M University and received aBachelor of Arts in Sociology from St. Edwards University in

1977. He also graduated from the 157thsession of the FBI NationalAcademy in Quantico, Virginia. Warren was with the Texas

Department of Public Safety for 23 years, serving 19 of those years

in the training academy. He was its assistant commander from

1993 until his retirement in June of 2000. Warren is currently

training coordinator and consultant with the Texas Association of

Counties.


3/12

11 Things Never to Say toAnyone

And How to Respond if said to You anadvanced lesson in Verbal Judo...

Presented by Mark Warren

Texas Association of Counties

March, 2014

www.county.org

Under stress, pressure or attack of any kind, we often react verbally without thinking. In a

reactive mode, we allow the other person to have a leverage advantage over our behavior, thereby

shifting power and control to them. This presentation is designed to give participants tangible

strategies for maintaining their traction in relationship, especially when it becomes negative.

Thats the real irony of the 11 things: in most of our daily lives, we are compelled to say some, if

not all of them. But, the seminal question is, how can we say the 11 things, when necessary,

differently?

By learning to convey these statements using different words, and from a different perspective, we

move toward a basic objective gaining cooperation and generating voluntary compliance

through empathic persuasion.

Resources and references that influenced this presentation include:

1. Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasionby Dr. George J. Thompson and Jerry B.

Jenkins, William Morrow and Company, New York, New York, 1993. Please discover more

about Verbal Judo by visitingwww.verbaljudo.com

2. Games People Play The Psychology of Human Relationshipsby Dr. Eric Berne,

M.D., Grove Press, Inc., New York, New York, 1964.

In Dr. Thompsons early classes, he taught something called 22 Principles for Maintaining

Professional Disinterest (Under the Worst of Conditions). In other words, how to we maintain

171


4/12

our interested but neutral, unbiased self when people are under the worst influences? Here are

some of my favorites:

Everyone has a good reason (in their mind) for doing what he or she does.

People care about knowing. Always set context.

Respondto people and behavior dont react.

Flexibility is strength. Rigidity is weakness. The Golden Rule Treat others asyouwould want to be treated in identical

circumstances.

Consider the difference between respond and react, and remember to craft and use language

that achieves professional objectives and redirects negative behavior, not that punishes people or

hurts their feelings.

The Transactional Analysis Theory ofResolving Conflict from Games People

Play by Dr. Eric Berne

In 1964, Dr. Eric Berne M.D. wrote Games People Play. The book put into pop culture his

theory of relationship, conflict and conflict resolution which he called Transactional Analysis. In

part and paraphrase, here is what he said about T.A.:

From time to time, people show noticeable changes in four specific aspects of behavior. They are

posture, voice, viewpoint and vocabulary. These changes along with shifts in feeling temporarily

create a new person in us, or what Berne called an ego state. These new people are a sort of

defense mechanism soldier to combat the effects of stress, pressure or attack against us. Those

new people or ego states have names and personalities that have been recognizable for years

parent, adult and child.

It is critical to remember that none of the 11 Things can be said more constructively unless we

are first, adulted. The parent or child ego states are designed to protect us from danger,

threat or deprivation. Parentsfight and childrenflight. As a professional, neither of these natural

means of conflict resolution is appropriate. To engage and adult others, we must first be adults

ourselves.

172


5/12

Parent, Adult and Child Characteristics:

Parent is _______________, uses ________________ and is______________. Their

postures are motivated by _________.

Child is ____________, uses _____________ and has_____________ thought process.

Their postures are motivated by ____________.

Adult is _________, _________, non - _____________, uses __________and generates

_________. Their postures are motivated by ________, _______, _______, _________, non-

________ and non - _________.

1. Come Here!

Ironically, this command usually translatesinto go away or run as fast as you can!

Plenty of good police, parent, teacher, coachand other authority examples.

Preferred restatement?Excuse me, can we chat for a minute?, or

May I chat with you for a second?

Can we talk?A moment of your time please?

Strategy? Give the other feeling of choice, butimplication is clear.

Since this command is vaguely threatening, its best to try to control your location for

encounters where you need to speak to someone so suddenly. Samurai warriors cautioned their

students to never let an opponent pick the fighting terrain. The reason was simple: those who

didnt choose found themselves with the sun in their eyes and/or on lose ground.

If someone with no authority asks you to come here, and doesnt seem to have legitimate

reasons, ask, Why? If you dont get a satisfactory answer, become a street person and run like

the devil. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993).

173


6/12

2. You Wouldnt Understand

This is insulting, because you canalmost hear the comma, stupid.

No harm in warning before you speak,but dont condescend. Think:Let me see, I hope I can explain this

Preferred restatement?Please, let me try to explain, orThis may be a lot to understand

Strategy? Dont prejudge their ability byyour failures.

Theres no harm in warning people that what youre about to say is complicated, and that its OK

if they dont get it at first. You can even put the onus on yourself: I hope I can explain this Just

dont prejudge their ability to comprehend. And [certainly] dont whip them in advance for what

may be your failure to communicate (effectively). How true this one is and so easy to fall to whenwere upset. We try to elevate ourselves out of a funk by making the other person (even one we

love) feel bad. This is a classic example of misattribution - a major relationship killer.

Misattribution is putting words, thought or feelings into someone else without their input or

permission - thinking for them. Its guaranteed to work, even though it takes time. And, its nearly

incurable.

If someone brushesyou off with you wouldnt understand, insist Yes, I would; try me. I want

to help. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

3. Because Those Are TheRules

Always set context - tell them why, orprovide a reason with book.

Preferred restatement?Heres what needs to be done,

Heres why, and

If youll do your part, Ill do mine.

Strategy? If you can put the rules incontext, explain how they contribute toeveryones well-being, it might help saveface, and generate voluntary compliance.

This statement would make just about anybody want to throw up. But, if youre enforcing rules

that exist for good reasons, dont hesitate to explain them. Your audience might not agree, but at

least they will have been honored with an answer. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993) One of the ways

we succeed in judo is to engage opponent and pull them close. Remember that it is leverage, not

174


7/12

power, that gives us the advantage. Hitting someone over the head with those are the rules, pal

only pushes them away, making engagement much more difficult, if not impossible.

If all you can do is repeat that rules are rules and those are the rules, your listener knows youre

weak and cant support your order with logic. But, if you can put the rules or policies in context

and explain how they contribute to everyones well-being, you not only help people understand,

you help them save face. And, youre also much more likely to gain voluntary compliance.If someone should bark this rigid statement to you, try saying could you please tell me why this

rule was created? It doesnt make sense to me, and if you could help me understand why it was

made, it would be much easier to follow. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

4. Its None Of Your Business

This is the slam-dunk of verbal abuse.

Usually said out of frustration or anger.

Preferred restatement? If truly noneya,State this is not just me and you, it involvesothers (people or policies). I dont have theirpermission. I want to honor that - youunderstand.

Strategy? Engage and elevate the otherto adult.

This phrase angers people because it brands them as outsiders and brusquely cuts them off. It

[tends] to make it seem [to the other person] that you dont have a good reason for answering

their question and that you have no power behind your position. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)Rather than saying, its none of your business, explain why the information cannot be revealed.

You can usually do this without revealing more that you want to. If its a confidential matter, say

why.

Finally, as a contact professional, - because they spend all day dealing with difficult behavior and

circumstances - you may in fact have the right to an answer. So, if someone should bark at you

that something is none of your business, and you disagree, gently but firmly point out, It is my

business, and heres why. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

175


8/12

5.What Do You Want Me To DoAbout It?

This cop-out is wrapped in sarcasm andseen as evading responsibility.

One problem becomes two - How?Preferred restatement? Offer to sort outthe issues, redirect to the proper sourceand be empathic. Im sorry; wish I coulddo more, but I cant.

Strategy? An apology gains an ally. Noone wants you to feel bad for whats not

your fault.

This question is a good sign that you are exasperated. Its often said by untrained sales clerks in

response to complaints, but its also heard among friends, spouses and co-workers at the ends of

their ropes.

When you say what do you want me to do about it? you can count on two problems: the oneyou started with and the one you just created by appearing to duck responsibility. Rather, offer to

help sort out the problem and work toward a solution. Use empathy and tell them genuinely that

you dont blame them for being upset. That if the same thing happened to you, that youd be

upset too. Real human empathy not only is a characteristic of caring, but it helps stop someones

charge, and causes them to stop and think about what theyve said. It makes the other self-check

the legitimacy of their anger and frustration.

If someone should ask you what do you want me to do about it? start by explaining, I want

you to listen to me and help me. Then politely explain exactly how the person can help.

(Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

6. Calm Down!

Like others, calm down is an invite toaccelerate!Criticizes others behavior, andcommunicates no right to be upset.Preferred restatement?

Calm face and demeanor, eye contact, gentletouch if appropriate and its going to be all

right. Talk to me. Whats the trouble? How canI help?

Strategy? Reassurance that things willimprove. Give hope. Dont damage face.

This command flat doesnt work. In fact, it almost always makes people more upset. If youve ever

tried this on your friends or family, you know. Calm down! is criticism of peoples behavior and

176


9/12

implies that they have no right to be upset. Rather than reassuring that things will improve -

which should be your goal - you have created a new problem. Not only is there the matter they

were upset about to begin with, but now they need to defend their reaction to you.

So, what about if someone should say this to you? Try saying look, Im obviously not calm [or,

Im upset and heres why] and there are reasons for it. Lets talk about them. That should open

the door for that person to help, but if he [or she] doesnt respond in a more meaningful way,further discussion is probably unwise. And if youre not calm, its probably better to leave.


7. Whats Your Problem?

Signals Me vs. you rather than us.Reaction? Problem? Youre the problem!

Puts people into a child mentality, causing

defensive need to protect self.Preferred restatement? Whats the matter?How can I help? Tell me all about it.

Strategy? The word Problem is aproblem. No one wants to admit theyhave a problem. The question makesother feel like theyve already failed.

The problem with problem is that it makes people feel deficient or even helpless. The word can

transport them back to grade school where they felt misunderstood and underrated. Nobody likes

to admit he has a problem. People prefer to think of solutions. Whats your problem? makes

them feel as if theyve already failed. Rather, say whats the matter? [Or] How can I help? Thenyou can start a real discussion of the issue. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993) Dr. John Gray in Men

are From Mars, Woman are from Venuswrites about what he calls the 4 most important

words. The 4 most important words a man can speak to a woman: How can I help? The 4 most

important words a woman can speak to a man? Its not your fault.

177


10/12

8. You Never (or) You Always

Absolute generalizations are lies.

Creates survivalists with photographic

memories! Examples: You never call, oryoure always late!

Preferred restatement?Take the burden - When you dont call, I feelyou dont care about me or my schedule.

Strategy? Dont make people more angryand feel they cant ever please you.

Accusatory generalizations are rarely true and indicate that you have both lost perspective and

will soon lose the attention of your listener. Tell someone that he never listens to you and he willeither remind you that he has or he will be tempted to spitefully prove you right and ignore you.

You also can make him angry and leave him feeling there is no way he can ever please you.


Take the burden and deflect the negative energy that is expended. When you dont call, or when

youre late, it makes it seem as though you dont think that my feelings (or schedule, etc) are not

important. Brilliant leverage building! And, it allows both to preserve face, the most powerful

motivator.

If someone uses such absolute phrasing to you, see if you can see his point. Say I know it seems

I never help out, because often, I dont. But lets talk about it. Is that the real issue or are you

upset about something else? (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

9. Im Not Going To Say ThisAgain.

Usually a lie. What follows this statement?The very thing you said you werent going torepeat!

Preferred restatement? Its very importantthat you understand this, so let me say it again.Please listen carefully.

Strategy? This threat is a trap. Ifyoure really not going to repeat, youreleft with one option - action. Failure toact = credibility loss!

178


11/12


12/12

11. Why Dont You BeReasonable?

In any relationship, this may be the mostinflammatory statement.

No one thinks they are unreasonable. They havea perfect reason for behavior!Preferred restatement? Use paraphrase: Letme see if I understand your position.

Strategy? This helps reconnect contactand refocus energy. Paraphrasing helpsthe other see their own perspective,absorbs tension and makes them feelyour support.

One great human truth is that everyone thinks they are normal, but its all these others fools

that have the problem. What cant people be more like me? Or, as Professor Henry Higginsexasperatedly asked toward the end of the classic play then filmMy Fair Lady, why cant a

woman be like me?

If youre hit with this type of resistance, allow the person to become more reasonable by being

more reasonable with them. Use the language of reassurance and use paraphrase by saying

something like Let me see if I understand your position, and then paraphrasing their own

words. Paraphrase is a necessary back-up system to communication where you take the other

persons meaning, put it into your own words, and then hand it back to them for verification.

What to do if someone asksyou Why dont you be more reasonable? force yourself to slow

down. Take a deep breath and in a slow, thoughtful, non-threatening voice, say, Im being as

reasonable as I know how, and with any luck, Ill get better. But apparently, I see the issuedifferently than you do. You have deflected the attempt to put you down without further

antagonizing the person. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

180

Documents

11 Things Never to Say to Anyone - Warren