7smugwinchester.com1st edition 2016

Black Boy extends its franchise with new venture

Bugs refuse to enter city hospital on health grounds

NEWS

FOLLOWING the huge success enjoyed

by The Black Rat restaurant, The Black

Bottle wine bar and the recently launched

‘chic’ bed and breakfast The Black Hole,

the owners behind the ‘Black’ chain of

enterprises have surprised Winchester

with the proposed opening of “Black

Death”, an exciting new funeral directors

conveniently located opposite Abbots

Barton nursing home.

Plans are also in progress for a pop-up

EUDQFK�LQ�VHOHFWHG�ZDUGV�RI�WKH�LQ¿UPDU\��A spokesman behind the venture is

determined to bring a “modern” mortuary

service to the area. However, he refused

WR� FRQ¿UP� UXPRXUV� � RI� SODQV� WR� FRQYHUW�the Unitarian church on Jewry Street into

“Black Mass”, a devil-worshipping-cum-

lap-dancing venue.

LOCAL bacteria have banded together

in their refusal to take up their customary

SRVLWLRQ� LQ� :LQFKHVWHU� 5R\DO� ,Q¿UPDU\�due to the ‘appalling state’ of its interior. A

leading MRSA microbe, Staphylococcus

aureus or “Staph”, speaking out earlier

said: “We’ve seen the inside of some

really nasty places but this place is a

disgrace.”

No wonder people are sick in there.

Even super bug like us are at risk”

Despite health authorities’ promises

that wards will remain chronically

under-funded and lack proper cleaning

the bugs are still stubbornly insisting

on staying outside. “We’ve washed our

hands of Winchester” said a disappointed

bacterium.

THE LAUNCH of a new satirical magazine in

Winchester has attracted an unprecedented

surge of indifference across the city.

“Smug”, the new ‘satirical’ publication,

was greeted with a shrug from the local

population and hopes for its acceptance

as part of Winchester’s ‘scene’ is in doubt.

Local sociologist, people-watcher, psycho-

therapist and self-proclaimed life-guru,

Bob Expert, claimed it was simply a sad

bid for approval projected onto readers.

“We’ve seen this type of acting-out

before. It’s typical of those in a privileged

position who would like to be seen for the

self-critical, self-referencing people they

are.”

By remaining anonymous and cowardly

hiding behind pen-names, Mr Expert

believes the writers and editors at the

magazine are akin to online trolls.

“It’s a self-serving, pre-emptive strike.

Just by concocting this very article you’re

reading now, the people behind this rag

are simply manifesting their own pathetic

insecurities and anxieties. Perhaps parts

of Winchester are seeking to indulge in

D� ERXW� RI� VHOI�ÀDJHOODWLRQ� EXW� WKLV� VDWLUH�doesn’t bite, it sucks.”

No one at the magazine was available to

comment. Bob Expert is 56 and charges

£12 an hour.

%ODFN�'HDWK�ZLOO�RSHQ�LWV�¶IXQN\·�QHZ�IXQHUDO�service near Abbots Barton where residents are expected to make use of its services.

Staying put: Staph Aureus, Super Bug.

“Over the council’s dead body, apparently”

he said, “though things like that can be

arranged.”

New ‘satirical’ magazine faces wave of indifference, claims Expert

Bob Expert: “No-one is going to waste time reading this stuff. These people need psychiatric help”

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Little Marcus can’t go swimming

today. He doesn’t want to.”

Winchester turmoil as the ‘Caffeinate’ takes controlThere was shock in Winchester last night

as news leaked of a controversial new

plan by the council to take money from

so-called ‘coffugees’ as they entered the

City.

The scheme, run by the local

Caffeinate, involves people giving up

their valuables – money or four-wheel

drive cars – in exchange for the local

currency – or ‘coffree loyalty cards’.

Said a spokesperson: ‘these Caffeirs don’t

understand the laws unless you give them

the sixth one free’.

A local man said: ‘They are just

encouraging addiction to this dangerous

brown liquid. I’ve got to go, man I’m

latte for work.’

WANTED- ALIVE -

Smug contributors50% scorpion or more

To turn yourself in contacteditor@smugwinchester.com

COnfidentiality assured

REWARDNo

9smugwinchester.com1st edition 2016

Badger Farm to get “much nicer” name, says councillor

Dull Men’s Club Bus Tour does not disappoint

II’S GOT ancient historical connections. It has its own charming local colour. And it has plenty of ‘local wildlife’ too which as residents know seems to end up all too often in the magistrates court. But now, a competition organised by local developers and land consultants wants to remove the name of Badger Farm altogether and re-name the district. A suggestion box has been set up next to the darts board in the Badger Farm Social Club, known as “The Sett”, and already names are coming in thick and fast. Some of the favourites that will be put forward to the council committee are ‘Happy Homestead’ and ‘Molly’s Mount’. Many ideas have already been thrown up by a crowdsourcing initiative online, but some are unlikely to be considered.

MEMBERS and guests of the Dull Men’s Club met in front of the Guildhall on New Year’s Day for their annual Bus Tour. Many of them got there early in order to watch the bus arrive. Leland Carlson, Assistant Vice President of the Dull Men’s Club, was one of the early birds. “Watching the bus arrive was exciting indeed — watching it make its way around King Alfred’s statue and then head directly towards us. When the bus stopped, the driver stepped out, introduced himself and shook everyone’s hand. Then, after some small talk, we began our bus tour. We began by walking around the bus. We walked around clockwise three times DW� ¿UVW�� 7KHQ�ZH� UHYHUVHG� GLUHFWLRQ� DQG�walked around anti-clockwise three times. We paused from to time to time to allow the driver to explain interesting things like tyre pressure and trivia about the licence plate. The highlight of the tour was when the driver opened the door and let us inside the bus. We went in and walked all the way to the back. And then we walked back up to the front. We climbed the stairs to the upper level. Wow, what a view, particularly looking up Winchester’s High Street. We walked all the way to the back and then back up to the front. Then we went back down to the lower level. We sat down and relaxed.”

Onlookers and passers-by seemed perplexed by the event and those that stayed to watch the bus depart were left bitterly disappointed. More Dull Men’s Club news can be found on their website: www.dullmensclub.com

Barry Scar, the local councillor, suspected his internet account had been hacked E\� WUROOV� ZKHQ� KH� FRQ¿UPHG� WKDW� ³7XUG�Common” and “Pungent Odour” would QRW�DSSHDU�RQ�WKH�¿QDO�VKRUWOLVW�

Badger Farm turned down new name ¶7XUG�&RPPRQ·

No. 14 bus arriving outside the Guildhall

Plansapprovedfor newCathedral extension

The new 700ft steeple will SXW� :LQFKHVWHU� ¿UPO\� EDFN�on the map, making it the

tallest cathedral in Britain.

Artist’s impression

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I prefer bingo to chess. There, I said it, I feel better. ”

NEWS

18 smugwinchester.com 1st edition 2016

PROPERTY OUTLOOK“On behalf of Winchester’s Consortium of Fellow Estate Agents and Land Managers, I’m glad to introduce our half yearly report . It’s been a turbulent time in the rest of the UK but according to the latest software economic models and market predictions RI�WHD�OHDYHV��¿QJHUV�LQ�WKH�DLU�DQG��FKLFNHQ�HQWUDLOV�� ZH� ¿UPO\� EHOLHYH� DOO� IRUHFDVWV�FRQ¿UP�WKH�VWDELOLW\�RI�WKH�:LQFKHVWHU�EXEEOH�� Inside this controlled environment we expect to see an upswing which will hold value steady for the foreseeable future leaving many more developers and agents ZLWK� DVVHWV� WKDW� DUH� ¿UPO\� KROGLQJ� WKHLU�position in the ‘comfortable’ region.

As ever, it’s a tough time for new buyers but if they can muster a few mill as a deposit from the bank they should be able to ‘get in’ on some of the area’s up-and-coming districts. So as soon as we can gentrify Badger Farm and Stanmore or, better still, just clear the land for redevelopment then we’ll see Winchester attract more wealthy overseas students whose parents in Asia are all to keen to buy housing for them while they study here. That way, every one wins.”

Dick Turf, Chief Executive, Winchester Associated Estate Agents

Dick Turf, Mo Lawn, Justin Case, Richard Head from Consortium of Fellow Estate Agents and land Managers.

Reginald Smethwick Barista Jane Barking

Extract from The Self-Destructive Nature Inherent Within Virtuoisty by Mark Michael art@smugwinchester.com

Winchester Train Station where the new commuter initiative by Slow Wet 7UDLQV�ELGV�WR�ÁHHFH�FRPPXWHUV�IRU�even more of their readies.

A solicitor writes A barista writes

As Winchester’s foremost lawyer and SDUWQHU� RI� WKH� SUHVWLJLRXV� µ¿UP¶� RI�Smethwick and Rudge, I’m often asked by my clients, “Just what the fuck is it that you do all day? You’re never in when I call so why am I paying you vast sums just to avoid urgent questions about my pressing legal case?” Well the answer is, I don’t avoid your questions myself at all. I have the fragrant -RVHSKLQH�� RXU� ORFXP� LQ� WKH� EDFN� RI¿FH�do that. When she’s not busy typing her well-constructed excuses onto her ipad and bringing me a much-needed camomile tea, Josephine is hard at work compiling important schedules and itineraries for my overseas conferences and law seminars. Josephine is in fact out right now getting my usual prawn and mayonnaise ciabatta but I’ll have her call you with a lame excuse the moment she gets back.

Yours blithely unconcerned,

Reginald SmethwickSmethwick and Rudge LLP

As a barista, people always ask me, ‘how much will it cost to represent me in this court case or another?’ I say, £2,990, depending on whether you want whipped cream on top of my wig. As the leader of Barististan, it is my job to create a so-called caffeine state in this City. So far we are winning, with more shops opening up every day. We are defeating the hairdressers hand over whipped moose. Right, I’m off to the Bar…

New commuter initiative,Q� D� ELG� WR� ÀHHFH� FRPPXWHUV� IRU� HYHQ�more of their readies, Slow Wet Trains are to start selling platform tickets to ensure places in the queue for trains. The new tickets will cost £545 a month. Key positions available are: ‘near the sliding door, but just behind the yellow line, so you don’t get blown over by freight trains’; ‘behind the lady with the large umbrella’; ‘near the grumpy man with the Daily Mail’. Tickets are also being sold in the queue for the coffee shop on the platform: £1 for a latte position, 50p for a donut. In addition, facilities on the trains are to be renamed. Adding to the existing ‘at-seat trolley service’, the toilets are to be rebranded ‘on-board bowel evacuation facilities’, and the train guards are to be FDOOHG� µUHYHQXH� VWUHDP�ÀRZ� SXUORLQHUV¶��‘Customers’ can purchase toilet paper at £1 a piece. One commuter described the new schemes as a ‘typical Slow Wet Trains inishitives’. The ‘thank you for choosing Slow Wet Trains’ message is to be changed to ‘you’ve got no f***ing choice. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!’

BUSINESS

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I try not to pay more than £3.50 for a ÀDW�ZKLWH�EXW�ZKDW�FDQ�\RX�GR"´